Pizza

SoarinDash815 stories ·1,248 members

Pizza

When Wonderolt Soarin' and Rainbow Dash want to get thier pizza delivered for free...things dont go as planned.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 4 )

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Salivanth

Salivanth #1 · Mar 6th, 2013 · · ·

The story itself is great, but your next story should definitely be proofread more thoroughly. The spelling mistakes hampered my enjoyment of it a bit :(

Killbles

Killbles #2 · Mar 6th, 2013 · 1 · ·

I got through it all without running away due to mistakes so that's a good start.

Now.

-INDENT. YOUR. PARAGRAPHS.
Probably not such a big deal as you have large line spacing but indenting a new line can make larger blocks a bit easier to read.

-APOSTROPHES.
This is by far the biggest turnoff I can find in a story. Nine times out of ten times when I'm reading and I see repeated misuse of apostrophes I'll just give up on a story. Yes, it bugs me that much.

Anyway...
Your - Possessive - This is your book
You're - Contraction for 'you are' - You're going to like this example.
All together now

"Here's your book back. By the way I banged your mother last night."
"You're stupid, my mother died years ago."
"Oh yeah, here's your shovel."

To make things easier, when you write your or you're imagine writing 'you are' there and see if it makes sense.

-SPELLING
Read your work thoroughly. Spell check helps but some things may get through regardless.
E.g. Bazerk is actually spelt berserk.

- CAPITALS
Biggest thing I noticed., you missed a few capitals at the beginning of sentences and such. Being consistent is the key here.

As a last note, use ' *** ' or something similar to indicate a change of time or place. The jumps between Soarin and Rainbow Dash are okay but there should be some marking to help the reader understand the change has happened.

Now for the story itself: The idea itself has a good enough premise but I lost it around the end when they're in jail. A bit more explanation and description should be used as I felt a little confused as things happened a little quickly without enough information.

So for your first story, not bad. I enjoyed it and found myself grinning a little. A simple enough idea executed fairly well. I look forward to seeing more from you (and hopefully some improvement as well), you have some skill.

Inferno demon Dash

Inferno demon Dash #3 · May 26th, 2013 · · ·

Besides many errors that can easily be fixed I really liked this story, it's fresh and a good story in my eyes, you done well, though a little more detail is needed