Chapter 1 – Star Fall
Harmony and Space Marines
Chapter 1 – Star Fall
Darkness was falling over land while the Space Marine forces were breaking up their encampments after a campaign against the Chaos Space Marines. A group of five Space Marines were walking towards a starship.
“Glad it’s over, those damned Traitors put up quite a fight,” one of them wearing a jump-pack said with a smile, “but we still beat them, didn’t we Garath.” He said while hitting one of the others on his back.
“We sure did Drake, and by the Emperor’s will maybe they’ll stay down for a time.” Garath said while hoisting up his Heavy Bolter. While one of the other Battle-Brothers turned to look at them.
“It may be some time before the Word Bearers Legion will rise again but alas the same can not be said about the other Traitor Legions.” He said while holding his Bolter ready and remaining on guard.
“That is true Tharius but I won’t be so sure that the Word Bearers will stay down for long, they’ll be back before we know it, don’t you agree Captain Marcus?” the lighter armored Space Marine Scout asked the last remaining Space Marine in their small elite group.
“Yes Verian I am sure we will meet one of the Traitor Legions soon and more than likely the Word Bearers will show themselves again soon.” Marcus said as they began to walk into their starship. “But enough about that we’ll soon have a new objective, let’s enjoy the time we have before our next mission.” He said while preparing their vessel for departure while the other removed their weapons and prepared for their journey home to their homeworld, unless of cause they received a new mission on the way.
Their ship ‘Star Lance’ took off and began its journey into space but not long after leaving the planet and reaching outer space and preparing for Warp travel a Warp Storm broke out and swallowed it, and caused delay for the departure of the rest of the Space Marine forces as well as other common problems caused by Warp Storms.
*****
It was night and everypony was asleep except for a small purple Alicorn who was studying the night sky from the balcony of her home, a hollowed out living tree, when she suddenly noticed a pink-purple ‘cloud’ out among the stars, she frowned her eye. “What could that be, I’ve never heard or seen anything like that.” She looked back at it and saw that the ‘cloud’ was getting smaller and fading.
She also noticed a shooting star, at first she didn’t think much of it, but then she realized that it was falling towards Equestria. She made some quick calculations and found out that it would fall deep within the Everfree Forest.
It didn’t take long before she could easily see it without her telescope and soon after she saw it crash into the distant part of the Everfree Forest with a loud *boom* that shook every home in ponyville, waking many ponies from their sleep.
“This is going to be a long night.” The purple Alicorn thought before spreading her wings to fly down to where the rest of the Town was gathering.
*****
“It’s no use we have lost all control, we are going to crash into that planet soon.” Marcus said to the others as he turned away from the controls. “Hurry go to the Drop Pods, they are made to withstand a violent impact.” They all nodded and hurried to the Drop Pods and after getting into one Marcus prepared the Drop Pod to eject when the starship was close enough to the planet and to land them relatively close to the area where the ship would crash. After that they all secured themselves and waited for impact.
*****
“Remain calm everypony, I’m sure there is an reasonable explanation on what just happened and what it was.” A light tan coloured female pony, with an light and dark gray mane, said to the gathered ponies who all looked a little worried.
“You are right Miss Mayor.” The purple Alicorn said as she landed beside the Mayor, who turned to her.
“Princess Twilight Sparkle, I’m glad to hear that. So you know what happened?” she asked with a smile but Twilight Sparkle shook her head.
“Not completely, I was watching the night sky when I saw a strange purple-pink ‘cloud’ or something among the stars but it soon disappeared but I also noticed something, falling and realized that it would fall into the Everfree Forest. The loud boom that woke everypony and shook Ponyville came from it hitting the ground deep within the Forest.” Everypony was looking at her as she explained what had happed with shifting emotions. “It’s to dangers to go that deep into the Everfree Forest at night but tomorrow my friends and I will go in to discover what it was,” she looked at her friends in the crowd and they all nodded agreeing, even a shy looking yellow Pegasus, although she was slightly less confident, “I’ll also contact Princess Luna to ask if she knows anything, also,” she raised her head and her horn began to glow and a barrier appeared around Ponyville, “I’ve cast a protective barrier around Ponyville to be save, it is unlikely that anything would happen but the disturbance may have driven some of the monsters of the Everfree Forest closer to Ponyville. You should all go home and get some sleep, it may be a long day tomorrow.” Twilight said as she turned around and walked back to her home to sleep, so she would be ready for the next day.
After Twilight left the other ponies, her friends included, also split up and went back home, they were glad for the protective barrier with it around their town they could sleep more soundly.
*****
The Drop Pod crashed into the forest and after a few moments, as the dust cleared, it opened and the five Space Marines walked out, alert and with their weapons ready.
Marcus looked around carefully scanning the area. “Secure the area but stay on guard we don’t know what we may face here. Verian, located the wreckage and survey it and report back, if it seems stable maybe some things can be salvaged.” Verian nodded
“Roger, Captain.” He said as he sneaked away towards where he believed he’ll find the wreckage of their Starship.
At the same time the others were securing the drop site.
It took around half an hour before Verian returned. “What did you find?” Marcus asked as Verian appeared.
“As is to be expected it is damaged beyond our ability to repair, maybe even the Forge-Master wouldn’t be able to repair it.” Verian reported and Marcus nodded.
“As expected but do you think it will be safe to salvage it?” Verian nodded his head.
“Yes, Commander, it is broken and scattered over the area but it seems stable so should be safe, if we are careful. Also I think despite the devastating crash much of the equipment survived almost intact or at least should be repairable.” Verian said and Marcus smiled.
“That’s good news.” He then looked up at the other. “Okay people we are moving our camp site to the wreckage,” he said as he stood up and lifted his Bolter, “when we get there I want a basic defense erected as soon as possible while Verian and I will begin to salvage the equipment, let’s move out.” He said as he followed Verian to the wreckage.
As soon as they entered the crash site Tharius, Drake and Garath began to create a primitive basic fortification by using the scattered fragments from the Starship while Marcus and Verian began to explore the wreckage and salvage all the equipment they could find.
After a few hours they were sitting around a campfire except for Garath who was patrolled the fortification while Tharius was working on trying to repair some of their broken equipment, suddenly the equipment he was working on activated and the others around the fire looked at him.
“What does it say, Tharius?” Marcus asked as Tharius looked at the monitor and typed a few commands into it before looking up.
“Not good Captain, as far as I can tell we are outside of known space and outside of the Imperium’s border, it is very unlikely that any Imperial forces would come even remotely close enough for any transmission we’ll be able make. We are on our own Captain and we may never see the Imperium again.” Tharius said as he removed the equipment. Marcus sighed.
“It is as I feared but nothing to do about it at this time. Verian, tomorrow when the sun rise I want you to scout the northern area of this forest, see if you can find anything. We need more information about this planet and if you encounter any native be non-aggressive, even if they are xenos,” Verian nodded in understanding and Marcus turned to Tharius, “I want you to scout the southern area with the same orders.” Tharius nodded.
“Yes Captain, I’ll see what I can fine.” He said as they all waited for the next sunrise.
*****
Morning came and Twilight Sparkle sat at her table reading the letter she had gotten from Luna about what fell from the sky.
‘My Dear Twilight Sparkle
It is good to hear from you again and I am looking forward to the next time we will met, but alas I know nothing about any star falling to Equestria or the strange ‘cloud’ you saw among the stars and that worries me greatly, I do not know what it is but I can assure you that it was no star I will be await to hear from you what you find, and be careful if you need me and my sister’s help do not hesitate to send a letter.
Princess Luna
Sovereign of the Night’
“So even Luna don’t know what it was except that it wasn’t a star but if it wasn’t a star then what was it?” she asked herself while eating a dandelion sandwich as she mulled over the question. “I guess I’ll bring some protective amulets just in case.” She got up to go get them when she heard a knock on her door, using her magic she opened it. “Hi friends, are you ready?”
Fire ponies walked in, two Earth ponies, two Pegasuses and one Unicorn. “Sure am, Sugercube.” An orange Earth pony with a blond mane and a brown Stetson hat on her head said.
“As our dear Applejack said, yes we are Darling,” a snow white Unicorn said before turning to a cyan Pegasus with a rainbow coloured mane, “do you not agree Rainbow Dash?” she asked Rainbow Dash, who was hovering beside her.
“Sure are, Rarity, and if anything in there tries to hurt us I’ll show it whose boss.” She said while throwing a few punched into the air.
A pink Earth pony, with a cotton candy like mane, beside her began to giggle. “Yeah Dashie, will show them how it’s done.” The pony said as she jumped around Rainbow.
“Heh, well said Pinkie Pie.” Rainbow said as Twilight walked back to them with a small chest.
“And what about you, Fluttershy?” she asked a yellow Pegasus with a pink mane, who was looking a little unsure.
“Um, you know how the Everfree Forest is a scary place, but I’ll go with you.” She said as she hid half her face behind her pink mane.
“Okay everypony we don’t know what will find, even Princess Luna don’t know what it was that fell last night, so everypony take one of these.” She said as she opened the small chest and six amulets with a crystal, covered with arcane writing and symbols, appeared, her friends looked from them to her for a few moments.
“What are those, Egghead?” Rainbow asked as she looked closely at them.
“They are protective amulets that I have been working on for some time now, considering we don’t know what we will face I think a little extra protection is in order, but remember that I am not done testing them so they are not perfect.” She said as she placed them around the necks of her friends and herself.
“So this is going to protect us?” Rainbow asked as she held the crystal in her hoof studying it.
“Yes but as I said it isn’t perfect so be careful, but they should be enough if we run into anything. Come let’s go.” Twilight said as she led her friends out of the door and towards the Everfree Forest.
*****
Twilight and her friends were careful as they went deep into the Everfree Forest. Rainbow Dash flew up beside her Alicorn friends. “So how much will this crystal protect us and against how many things?” she asked as she held it in her hoof again while studying it.
Twilight Sparkle looked at her for a moment before looking back ahead. “It should be able to protect you for at least some time, depending on what it is and how much power there is behind the attack, and it should protect you from anything; physical, magical, spiritual and psychic, but how good the protection will be depends, as I said before, on how much power is used,” she shook her head, “they are not perfect but no matter what we might meet they should be enough to buy us a few moment at the least.” Her friends all nodded as they continued deeper into the forest, on guard for anything.
Suddenly a howl tore through the air making Fluttershy freeze up, and her eyes widen, as they all looked at each other Applejack nodded at Twilight and her friends.
“That was a Timberwolf howl, alright no doubt ‘bout it.” Twilight Sparkle looked at her.
“How far away do you think it was?” Applejack looked up at sky through the tree branches.
“To close fer comfort that’s fer sure, and it sounded like there were at least 5 o’ them. We should be careful, they may not be huntin’ us but if they do we need to be on guard to defend ourselves.” Her friends nodded at her and they continued deeper into the forest, with Fluttershy staying close between Applejack and Rarity.
After a few minutes Rainbow Dash placed her left hoof over her nose. “Do you girls smell that too?” They all stopped and Applejack tensed.
“They’re her’.” She said and the next moment three Timberwolves jumped at them from the bushes but was repelled by the crystals.
While they were still stunned Applejack ran towards one of them and turned around and bucked it hard, shattering it while at the same time Rainbow Dash smashed into another shattering it too. The last one looked at them for a moment, before a boulder surrounded by a purple aura smashed through it.
They barely had time to cheer about their victory before two more, bigger, Timberwolves emerged from between the trees, and the remains of the others began to glow as they reconstructed themselves into an even bigger, and sturdier, Timberwolf than the two who had just appeared, all three began to growl as they walked closer.
“What now?” Pinkie Pie asked as they got closer.
“I don’t know, Pinkie Pie, Timberwolves are notorious hard to stop, especially in a forest as there is a lot of material they can use to repair and reconstruct themselves,” Twilight said, while shielding her friends with her wings, as they all stepped backwards but the wolves followed them, “according to my books the only way to stop a Timberwolf is to destroy the Sprit-core that is in their chest.” Her friends looked at her.
“What?” Applejack said confused, “Ah’ve never seen something like that among the broken remains of a Timberwolf, what do it look like?” she asked as she looked back at the advancing Timberwolves, preparing to attack again.
“It is a slightly glowing sphere but it disappear almost the moment the body is shattered, that’s why it’s best to use weapons like a spear or sword so you can impale them through their chest, although a powerful hit focused on the chest may also damage the Sprit-core but I don’t think that will work for us here.” She said as her friend gathered behind her as her horn began to glow as she prepared herself to use her magic to try and stop the Timberwolves.
When suddenly something burst out from between the trees and charged the Timberwolves, one of the two smaller ones turned towards the new creature and it bashed into the Timberwolf’s chest causing it to break making the Timberwolf cough a moment before it just fell apart.
The strange armored creature then lifted a strange object it was holding in its metal clad claws and pointed it at the other small one then a couple of loud bangs echoed through the trees and the Timberwolf, with many hold in its chest, fell apart like the other one. The stranger then pointed his strange weapon at the big Timberwolf but it had already jumped at the creature and swiped at it causing it to lose its hold on its weapon but without wasting any time it draw a sword from its side and plunged it into the middle of the Timberwolf’s chest before, in a show of great strength, ripped it out of the right side of the Timberwolf leaving a large hole in the right side of its chest before it too fell apart.
Twilight and her friends just looked at the strange armored creature, Twilight kept her head lowered and her glowing horn ready to use her magic if it should attack them.
The creature returned its sword to its side and retrieved its other weapon before turning to them. “Thank you for the info about how to take them down.” A strange distorted male voice said as he looked at Twilight’s stance and her glowing horn.
“Don’t take this the wrong way, I’m glad that you saved us and all but I’ve never seen anything like you and you are obviously dangerous. Who and what are you, and why are you here and what is you intentions.” Twilight said while keeping a close eye on his weapons.
Tharius looked at her glowing horn, even if she wasn’t focusing her power he could feel how powerful she was and knew he couldn’t beat her.
He carefully lowered his Bolter to rest against his right leg and lifted his hand to his helmet and removed it before looking at her. “I am Tharius a human of the Star’s Fury Space Marine Chapter of the Adeptus Astartes. As for why I’m here and my intentions well,” he shrugged his armored shoulders, “not really sure there is a reason why I and my Space Marine brothers are here as for our intentions right now it is just getting information about this world, we have no intentions of causing harm.” Tharius told them and Twilight slowly lifted her head as her horn stopped glowing.
“I believe you, Tharius, allow me to introduce us,” she said as she took a few steps forward, “I am Princess Twilight Sparkle and this is my friends Rainbow Dash Applejack, Rarity, Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy.” They all nodded their head in greeting when Twilight said their names, except for Fluttershy who only gave a whimper from behind Rarity. “I think the best cause of action will be to lead us back to the others of you kind, if you truly mean no harm to Equestria then I’ll do what I can to help you, agreeable?” She asked and raised her left fore hoof, Tharius nodded and gently took her hoof it his left hand and shook it.
“Agreed, Lady Twilight Sparkle, follow me.” He said as he took his bolter back into his hand and began to walk back to the crash site, with the Ponies following him.
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- chaoswarboss0201 · 11k words · 34 3 · 2.2k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.07 seconds
Total duration
872 users online
605,943 hits today, 2,151,698 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Those don't really sound like Space Marines.
Yeah, these guys talk more like guardsmen. Space marines would just purge everything they saw.
Ah.... Well, I do have a few thoughts. Feel free to tell me to go jump in a lake at any time, as I will probably be tooting my own horn very loudly in this, as well as overly analyzing what is clearly a fun little project that truly does not merit such analysis.... Or perhaps it does. I don't know. Just take my assholeish nature with a grain of salt and we'll get along fine. I always want to see people improve (even though the Silent King knows that my ass-drippings that I pass off as literature could definitely use just as much work).
You obviously put some thought into this, that much is certain, and that in and of itself tells me that you are dedicated. The fact that you went so far as to come up with your own chapter of the Astartes says that much. However, therein lies my first problem, the fact that you pulled a chapter out of thin air. I'm just as guilty of it (using the Angry Marines, Pretty Marines, and Reasonable Marines alongside canon chapters), however, I did that for the sole reason that they would provide interesting contrasting characters with the radically differing mentalities. That and I also wanted to poke a bit of fun at Warhammer 40K Space Marine online play. Seriously, seeing so many custom painted players running around bashing the crap out of orks just screams "fanfiction" to me. If you still wanted to go with the "star" theme, there is a chapter called the Star Dragons. In fact, reading the Lexicanum article gives you a great reason for them to be fighting the Ruinous Powers in the first place.
Anyway, moving on. Next is the actual battle...... What happened? Seriously, this is Warhammer 40K. No conflict should be left completely to the imagination. I'll just leave it that.
Next, your prose. You do an awful lot of telling, but you aren't showing is anything. Rule number one of any form of media, "Show, don't tell". The "spirit core" idea with the Timberwolves is one that, I will admit, lends itself well to the MLP universe. I'd hold on to that one if I were you.
However, the whole fight left so much to be desired. So much tension and drama could have come from that one idea alone, but it was killed because Twilight just flat out told us. Even if Twilight knew of their weakness, it is safe to assume that she would forget about it when she and her friends were freaking ambushed. It's not just there, though, so much of the story can be improved by putting more thought into not what your characters are doing at any given time, but how they are doing it.
Allow me to show you what I mean. Here is a sample taken from chapter three of my current story, only I rewrote it to tell, not show. (I would have found an excerpt from the fight in chapter one, but I couldn't find anything in there that I actually liked. Seriously, the entire chapter sucks so horribly that I am beginning to understand why I have so few followers.
)
And now as it reads in the chapter.
With the second version, we are able to infer why Azerus wants to be unbound because we ourselves know what we would do in similar circumstances. It is this aspect of our own minds that makes the sequence that much more engaging. I would be more than happy to give you some examples of where this could be applied in your own story, but I won't do it here in the comments. That would be simply egotistical and demeaning.
Anyway, besides those, what Shadowhawk and Rambling Puppet said do not need to be repeated by me.
I am a huge fan of crossovers. I don't know why. The ways in which two different worlds can mesh always fascinates me, but then again, I always considered picking peoples brains a hobby of mine. You have good, solid ideas here, and I must admit that I am a bit curious to see what you would do with them.
Now excuse me while I go jump in a lake.
By the way even the smallest warp capable starships are at least 1km and have crews in the thousands. You make it sound like they were flying in a Thunderhawk.
2205842
Yes there may be some problems with descriptions and I'll see what I can do about but I'm not sure if it's going to be better but time will tell as for the fact that I made my own Space Marine Chapter will that was my idea for the story and considering I don't think that there is a complete list of space Marine Chapters that is not that big of a problem and yes they may not act completely according to lore, for that matter there will be some lore that I will either ignore or change in some small way to fit the story.
As for the fight yes it was short and not really difficult, and I can understand your view on Twilight not remembering the facts but I still think she would, but there will be more fighting, after all as you said it is a Warhammer 40K crossover and they should be more interesting as you for the Space Marines not acting as one would think, well that is my choice.
2206060
Yes I know that Starship has that as well as a mutant that guides it through the Warp but that is one of the minor details that I decided to 'over look' for my story, and yes there will probably be many Warhammer 40K fans who will be disappointed/angry with me about it but I have my reasons to fiddle with that lore and will come with an explanation on that in a later chapter, although that is also a break in lore, and it will also explain more about this Space Marine Chapter.
I know this story isn't perfect, and may never be but I still like it.
be careful when you make a warhammer crossover because there are a litteral fuckton of hardcore warhammer fans on this site, so if the information is incorrect the story won't be popular.
and pretty much anything from the warhammer universe would go on a killing spree if they got to equestia.
2206465
Well yes but if any of the fans of Warhammer have any problems well it's their problem if they don't like the way I write the story they can just not read it, that's what I do with stories I don't like.
These guys just dont sound like Space Marines in terms of speech, (as shadowhawk and rambling puppet said.) but what really bothers me is how apparently Tharius couldn't beat Twilight Sparkle, and yet he is a nine foot tall, post human, genetically engineered badass? I don't think that Twilight would be able to take a Space Marine Scout down, let alone a full Battle-Brother. Believe me, I'm a major Warhammer 40K fan myself, (play tabletop) I just don't want to have to see you mess this up.
Ok, just reading the first few lines of text I can say the way they speak is conpletely off for Astartes. I'm only 8 chapters into Horus Rising and I know enough to know Astartes have a very careful and dignified speech patterns and turns of phrases.
I suggest you redo the dialogue between characters to match actual Astartes speech or change your characters to Guardmen as said below.
There's nothing wrong about taking a couple of IG over Astartes.
I'd have more fun reading about 4 guardsmen and their Commissar being transported in Equestria over 5 out of character Astartes.
Oh another thing. You mention Twilight is the only one awake at the time when the Warp Storm opens on their end and Twilight is the only one taking note of it and just a few lines after she's going down to where every pony is gathering? Is everyone asleep or awake? Make up your mind.
No offense intended, I'm nit picking through because I got nothing better to do
2206603
Well as for the problem with how they speak and act is something I must think about as for Tharius not being able to beat Twilight, well.. you are both right and wrong about that not being true because of a few fact in my story.
1. Twilight's basic power lever is at least on per with a Demon Prince, and lore vise I don't think one, or five Space Marines, can beat on on their own, at least not easy, because of then he concluded that he most likely couldn't beat her, hence why you thoughts about it was wrong.
2. Is actually almost the same, her power leave is very high but she know next to no offensive spells and has never learn to really channel her power in an offensive way, or else she could just have pulverized the Timberwolves, which means that in reality she may not be able to beat him, maybe, hence why you are right in you view that Tharius would win.
There will be other reason and things about the Space Marines and the ponies and what is actually going on will be revealed in later chapters, also, and this is most likely going to anger some major fans of Warhammer 40K, I AM going to break some lores to fit with my story, not to talk about the whole 40K universe.
If fans 40K don't like that then they should just not read it, that being said I am not that strong in 40K lore so there are some mistakes that I would need to fix, there just are some that I am not going to change no mater what anyone say...well almost no matter what anyone says.
Ok, third thing, the grammar and syntax errors are baffling it impedes reading. I'm not much a grammar nazi more than I like being able to read without stoping to guess what you meant to write.
I suggest using SpellcheckPlus to screen your texts, helped me greatly for me.
Space Marines are NOT HUMAN. They are Astartes. Astartes are evolved humans. Better in everyway. A space marine that would be called human out of context would not shy away from applying discipline to whoever called him a human for they are Astartes.
Tharius calling himself human is pretty self degrading.
That's it, I'm done with this story unless you're willing to accept help from others since you obviously don't know enough about WH:40K to make a fic on your own. No offense intended. WH:40K is a very tricky and expansive universe of lore and technicalities. It's easy to get lost in it. Take help from the 40K group.
2206971
Ok, Ok don't bite the authors head off!
2207505
Well I know I'm not always very good at writing so I knew the story may not be the best but I actually somewhat expected Warhammer 40K fan to not like the story to much but I'll write anyway I'm sure there will be others like me who likes a good story, even if some of its lore is changed a little and I hope they at least would like it...if the fans of 40K hate it now they will hate it even more when it's over
pretty damn good flow, although the marines seem a bit off
Hmm... I don't know about this one. (No offense is intended with the following comment).
The Space Marines are a little off (When I say little I mean hugely). Space Marines, are nine foot tall, post human, genetically engineered badasses (I don't know how to write the plural for Badass) with Heavy Bolters, vanilla Bolters, Power Swords, and Possible Liberian? And they can't defeat six ponies who don't have the Elements with them, have no offensive magic of any kind, and only a pathetic shield. Sorry, but I call bullshit on that. As much as I like ponies I don't see how they could defeat them. Space Marines live and breath War, and Death, while Ponies live in the land of pretty flowers, and butterflies while farting rainbows. It would be the same as putting a pony in with a T-Rex.
Also I'm dead sure that the weapons would've had more of a kick, Bolters fire grenades yet when a Bolter round impacts in the fight you wrote it seemed to have the same effect as me firing a bullet into a tree stump. Space Marines wouldn't talk to the ponies either they would've purged them then and there, and even one Space Marine would be enough to kill them it would be simple to do, just step on them Space Marines weigh a lot, sure they'd have to get through the shield, but that's easy enough to do too just stomp on it.
Now there are other things that don't match the lore, but I've got better things to do. If you want to make it more along the lines of Warhammer 40k I suggest the wiki, but its entirely up to you. I don't know if I'll favorite it or not, I don't hate but I don't like it either hmm I'll check back later to see where it goes.
In conclusion I don't see this as a Warhammer crossover, It's more like taking the stuff you liked from it and using to make the ponies look better (Or maybe I'm just looking at it wrong), but if these were Chaos Marines that you were writing and they were doing the same thing as the Space Marines, I wouldn't be writing a comment oh no no no no... I'd be crying.
Peace (Here comes the hate).
2210914
Well about the Space Marines seeming ooc, well, only a little in how they act from my point of view, yes normally Space Marines would kill everything not human, although I think there a some who under the right circumstances would, most likely not be friendly but not attack out right if not attack first.
I'll agree if they had come as an invasion force they would have slaughtered every living thing on the planet in the Emperor's name but they crashed, their ship beyond repair and far out side of the Imperium's border and they know nothing about the planet, honestly under those circumstances I can see some Space Marines acting a bit different than normal, and others who''ll do as all expects and begin killing everything in sight before being killed, you and others may disagree and that is your right, it's a shame if you decided that the story is bad because of that but if you don't like it then don't read it and I'll fully understand, but I have decided to write my story as I have decided even if the fans of 40K don't like it others who enjoy a good story may come to like it.
As for Twilight being able to beat a Space Marine, I did explain my reasons for that in a earlier comment and in this universe you are both right and wrong about who would win but I don't really want to repeat it here, so if you want my explanation for it look at one of the earlier comments, but as I said whatever you like the story or not is up to you to decided.
2209086
Yes many have said that but I don't really see a big problem sure they may not go around killing everything in sight immediately, and most 40K fans seems to be angry about that...they are quite bloodthirsty
but a I have said in other comments, if people don't like it don't read it, will just have to see what happens next.
please make more of this great stuff!!! :)
2229574
I will although many don't seem to like it mostly 40K fans
one of the upsides of finding loyalist marines is that they tend to keep their tempers better than chaos ones do....
2482440
Well fans of 40K still want them to immediately kill everything around them. They are going to be somewhat disappointed, even when the action and fighting begins.
2490276 still,I'm glad I chose this fic,it was quite refreshing after all the chaos marine in equestria fics I had been reading
Or just burn the remains.