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Twilight's torment

Twilight knew she shouldn't tell anyone how she really felt, but having such strong feelings was becoming uncontrollable. She knew her friends wouldn't be pleased if they found out why she was ditching them, but she just couldn't let such strong feelings go, could she?

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 6 )

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Comment posted by Celestias Paladin deleted Feb 24th, 2013

Darklordtheslayer

Darklordtheslayer #2 · Feb 24th, 2013 · 1 · ·

Not bad but there are some problems. I noticed some general writing errors (spelling and sentencing, etc) and the transition from Twilight to Big Mac's point of view and vice versa could be a little smoother. Nonetheless, It's pretty enjoyable to read and I like the fact that you have fairly successfully pulled off a double narrative. My only major problem with this is that it just seems too short but like I said, still not too bad.

hooffeet

hooffeet #3 · Feb 24th, 2013 · · ·

very good i love it

dormagio

dormagio #4 · Feb 25th, 2013 · · ·

Too short. With some editing, the quality could be improved, but the root problem is that the entire story is rushed. This could be a sweet little story, but it really just sends me hurtling along at 100MPH. Slow it down and it will be so much better. I don't want to be discouraging, but it needs improvements.

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