• Published 9th Feb 2013
  • 5,149 Views, 131 Comments

I'm Getting Underpaid For This - Warmaisach



We all know our beloved dragon, Spike. He is kind, helpful and never complains about unfair working conditions. What if all this were reversed? What if he is a cynical and sarcastic flank-hole? Let's watch him change this.

  • ...
9
 131
 5,149

Introduction Arc: 1 - Mare in the Moon

Hello, my name is Spike and I have an exciting life. I am currently an eleven year old dragon. Yes, I am a dragon, but I am neither big nor scary. I am only two feet tall, and I have purple scales with green spines going over my back.

I live together with a unicorn named Twilight Sparkle. She hatched me from an egg when she was only eight years old and I have been living with her ever since. I cannot leave the house, which is also a library by the way, without her permission and I always need to be available when she decides to study. And being the social-butterfly she is, she only studies 24/7.

No, I actually mean it. I bet you think I am overreacting, but that’s not the case. She certainly is studying 24/7. Her day begins with waking up and turning off the spell which recites magical formulas while she sleeps. In the bathroom are notes with formulas and concepts pinned to the mirrors and walls. While we have breakfast, which means she eats, and I cook it, she goes over the stuff she learned the day before in her lessons.

Then she leaves the house while reading a book and is off to her lessons. About eight hours later, she comes home and guess what she does. She studies. I, of course, need to be there to assist her if she is too lazy to simply lift her head from her books and levitate a new one over. Of course, I am always happy to help since I can easily understand the action to keep a baby dragon around you while you indulge yourself in the fun-fun world of mathematics, just for the reason to have him get a book or two every hour.

After she finished her early research period, which goes past 9 PM, I am “allowed” to have some free time. This means I need to go to bed. When I wake up, it’s the same all over again. Oh by the way, when she is at her lessons, I need to clean the library and re-shelve everything she touched yesterday.

Just a short fascinating fact, the library is immense. It’s in a tower in Canterlot, and it has an unreasonable amount of books on almost every genre. Yet most books are only technical, and not fictive. Seriously, speaking out some of the names of the books is harder than to understand the whole data stored inside of them.

The library is divided into two parts. The bottom, where the front door is, is the living part of it. There are our beds, my cushion, the kitchen, the door to the garden and all the other things a pony, or in my case a dragon, needs to live. I actually don’t know why this part is at the bottom since this means that if some pony tried to get a book, they had to walk through the living area to get to the library, which is upstairs. Sometimes, I think that the architects for this library tried to speak the titles of their books, instead of reading them.

A round staircase in the living part, leads up to the library, which can only be described as monumental. The blue stone floor and the gigantic windows seem to be way over the top and the bookshelves are sometimes way too high to climb on them and not immediately break a dozen bones when some pony falls down. Of course, this is not relevant since I am the only one who climbs those. Why do they need to make the shelves smaller, if only little old me climbs them? Because, who doesn’t love to laugh at a dragon that falls to his death from a bookcase. I bet it’s hilarious.

So, reshelving the library is a job I do with passion and joy every day. Of course, it would be too much work for her to write down every book she took on a list and give it to me so I can reshelve faster and easier. Since I don’t have said list, I always need to look through EVERY SINGLE BOOK in the whole library and put it at its proper place. When I finish my assignment in reshelving the entire library, I ‘only’ need to clean it, which does not mean that I only should clean the places she touched since the rest obviously is still clean. No, this means that I also need to clean the rest of the library.

When I only clean the spots, which are dirty, Twilight instantly gets some kind of mental fit and tells me that the cleanness of those spots is stronger than the rest of the library and that I should clean the rest. Well, it’s not like I have anything planned for my life anyway. Well, I think this rant was long enough, and I should start telling something more amusing. To be precise, the day this organized and everyday-life changed.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I had just finished cleaning the library, when I heard the door open. My internal clock said that it obviously was too early for Twilight to be at home. She always comes home exactly at 16:30, since this is organized and that a regulated routine for everyday-life is good. Well, that’s what she said. So, since it was only 16:13, this meant that it was obviously a customer.

Standing up from my cushion, I walked downstairs to the front-door and I saw a white unicorn standing in the doorway, looking as if she didn’t know what to do. Her cutie-mark was a bunch of stars around a moon, and her mane was pink with a shade of violet going through it. I knew that unicorn. Her name was Moon Dancer, and she once was one of the study buddies of Twilight. But when Twilight jumped grades in school, she saw that it didn’t have any advantages anymore to study together with her since the materials Moon Dancer studied were too light for Twilight.

Moon Dancer was actually one of the few ponies, which talked to me on a regular basis. Ever since those days when she came over and Twilight and she studied together, we grew closer and closer. We were no couple, and we both had no interest in a romantic relationship with the other one, but we were good friends. I was always happy to see and talk to her.

When she saw me walking over to her, she grinned and gingerly skipped over to me. “Hey there Spike, How are you?” She asked with a giddy voice. I crooked an eyebrow. She wasn’t this giddy normally and there had to be a reason that she came at such a dangerous time. With dangerous time, I mean shortly before Twilight comes home. Because if some pony disturbs her “number one assistant” while she needs him, she doesn’t take too kindly to that pony. Sometimes, when she studies and she needs me and some pony comes in here and talks to me, she can get a seriously bad temper.

I think the ponies would rather kick a sleeping Ursa Major in the guts before disturbing Twilight in her researches. “I’m good. Just working the whole day, like every day. You know how it goes.” She rolled her eyes and looked to the side.

“Yeah, I know how Twilight can get.” Suddenly she had an “Oh” expression and started grinning. Her head came closer to me, and she asked something. “Hey, wanna have a surprise?” I lifted both eyebrows and looked at her like she just asked me if it were possible to create a magical cluster out of candy-apples. So for short, my ability to describe my facial expression at that point is as nonexistent as my ability to visualize the expression I would have had if she would have asked me that. Don’t ask.

“Yeah, sure.” I stated slowly and carefully. Moon Dancer sometimes liked to play a prank on some pony, and I certainly didn’t want to get pranked in an entirely newly cleaned and distillated library. Twilight could come in here and smell the fun that was in the air. Oh, I certainly wouldn’t like that scenario.

After I said that, Moon Dancer used her horn to float something from her back to me. It was a present. I reluctantly took it out of her magical grasp and poked and probed it, like it could explode into a flurry of paint and dirt. I looked back at her after I finished my investigation of the potential threat to the library, which could be also be my life if Twilight would see the effect of a possible prank attack from the package.

“Thank you Moon Dancer, but why do you give me a gift? It’s not hearths warming eve, is it? If it is, the weather Pegasi obviously weren’t successful in performing their duties.” Moon Dancer had to chuckle at that, and I had to smirk a little. She always liked the way I spoke and said that it was entertaining. Well, after years of something that could be called slave-work, I learned how to entertain myself with my current unsatisfactory situation. Apparently, she thought it was funny.

Funny thing is that it is impossible for me to be called slave. Since I was hatched by a pony, and that I live in a pony society, the laws of dragon society do not apply to me since I am considered a pony in their laws. But in the pony law it says that it was needed to be a pony to be considered… well a pony. So, since pony law says that I am not a pony and that dragon law says that I am not a dragon, this meant that I was practically an animal, but since I don’t live in the wilderness, the only thing I could be called was a “pet”. Yes, I was a pet, and Twilight was officially my “owner”.

Of course, she treats me like a fellow pony, and she always tells me often enough that she loves me. She also said some times that I am “like a son” to her. So even if I officially count as a pet, she always looks at me as an equal, and not as a pet. So she believes that I can’t be called that, and I agree on that. I can’t be called a pet, because of one uncomplicated reason. Pets don’t have to work like slaves.

Yes, Twilight is treating me well…at least that's what she thinks. *sigh* well I can’t judge her for trying. I still looked at Moon Dancer for the answer about the reason for her to give me this present. She only chuckled. “Spike, I don’t need a reason to give a good friend a little happiness.” I only looked at her like she told me the most ridiculous statement I ever heard, but after a short while, I wasn’t able to hold back the satisfied warm smile that spread across my face.

“Thank you, Moon Dancer, honestly.” I told her with a warm tone, and she only continued smiling and shook her head.

“No problem Spike.” Suddenly she looked nervously around and had an unsure expression on her face. Slowly, she lowered her head down to me. “I better go now before Twilight comes home. See ya later Spike.” She told me while she ran out of the door. It always was kind of sad when Moon Dancer had to leave, since she was the only pony I could call a friend, but there was no helping it.

“Bye, Moon Dancer! And thank you for the present.” I had shouted before the doors closed behind her. I sighed once and took the present in my claws, slowly walking over to a dresser. Suddenly, I remembered that I should put this present, not on a dresser, but under my favorite tree outside. Yes, I knew what trees were since I was able to do my duty once before she came home. I was able to spend one full hour under a tree. It was one of the happiest moments in my life.

I walked over to the door, but before I could open it, the door slammed into me and threw me and my present through the room. “Spike! Spiiikee~” Twilight shouted while I had to fight against the evil forces in my mind that tried to make my eyes twirl in an uncomfortable and uncontrollable way. The war was incredibly intense, but I was successful in the end and lifted myself up while holding my right claw to my head.

I looked up and saw Twilight looking around the room. I bet she had her justified reasons to attack me with a door and not apologize afterwards. Suddenly, she looked at me. “Spike? There you are!” Her look wasn’t exactly long fixated on me. She probably thought about what she did to me, but decided that she didn’t care. Then, all of a sudden, she just turned around and ran to the library on the top floor. I only sighed once, and thought that I am honestly getting underpaid for this.

I followed her to the library while still rubbing my aching head with my left claw. “Find me that old copy of predictions and prophecies!” She demanded without a hint of concern about the health of her pet/slave. Seriously, one day I will run through the library and will burn every book to the ground just to make her mad. It would probably be the last thing I will do in my life, but it would be worth it. Sooo worth it.

Suddenly, her head picked up, and she looked at me in a bewildered expression. “What’s that for?” She asked me while pointing at my tail. I moved my tail to my front and picked up the present Moon Dancer gave me earlier. Yep, my tail totally destroyed it. A teddy instantly fell out of the present when I moved it a little. Looking closer at the teddy, I saw that it probably was one Moon Dancer made herself. I turned to Twilight with a deadpan look.

“Oh, I don’t know what this is for. Judging by the ribbon, the flashy color and the content, I would say it is some kind of desert plant that I stuck to my tail in order to look appealing to you. Well, at least it was before you assaulted me with that door.” I told her that, with the most insincere smile I could manage. Oh, you books will burn someday.

She turned around and moved books with her muzzle away. “Spike, you know we don’t have time for that.” She said while moving them. I seriously had to hold back a chuckle, since she really looked stupid while doing this, even though she had a horn and could use magic. I wished I had placed something, like sneezing powder, between the books she was moving through with her nose. I only continued showing my exaggerated smile.

“Oh we don’t have time? Are you totally sure about this? Because you looked perfectly calm and collected when you threw that door in my face.” I told her with the most shocked voice I could muster. She didn’t seem to hear me and instead seemed to realize that she had a horn she could use to search for the books. She activated it, and several books from the top stacks of the shelves flew over.

WHAT? I didn’t need to climb on the dangerous mountains of books, and instead my “owner” used her magic for once to move her books. I honestly thought the chances were higher that princess Celestia would come into my room and would throw bananas at the windows than this would actually happen. What was wrong with her?

“No, no, no, no, no- argh. SPIKE!” She screamed with anger while searching through the titles of the books. Of course, it was entirely my fault that she didn’t know where the books were located in her own home, in exactly perfectly organized bookshelves. Of course, she needed my help to find a book, which title began with the letter P and would surely not be under the letter P in the library. Sometimes I ask myself, why I even bother organizing the library if Twilight isn’t able to find the books while they are organized. Then I remember that I have no rights and that I can’t do anything about it.

I already was on the top step of the ladder, since I already knew that she would call for me sooner or later. I grabbed the book and turned to her. “Oh wow, I never thought I would find ‘Prediction and Prophecies’ under P. Seems like I got lucky.” Before I could even finish my statement, Twilight already pulled on the book with her magic, like I wouldn’t be on a dangerously high altitude that could shatter every bone in my body.

I couldn’t let go at the right time, and got pulled across the library while holding onto the book. Yes, I continued holding the book because if I would have let go, I would have fallen down to my demise. Wait, as I thought about that, I realized that this actually was not that terrible of a thing, but before I could let go, I already face-planted right into the floor, with the grace of a drunken stallion in the gutter. Yes, I led a happy life.

I lay in front of Twilight, face down. I could be unconscious through the head-trauma I received or I could have a concussion, and Twilight was perfectly capable of showing her concern about me, through turning around and walking away with the book. I slowly stood up and looked at the floor, surprised that I wasn’t dead yet. Seeing all the books, I decided that I should start on cleaning up this mess before I get another lecture from Twilight about showing initiative.

While I was gathering all the future victims of my fire, Twilight was muttering something. Hearing closer, I heard the words “See Mare in the Moon.” I instantly crooked an eyebrow. Twilight was interested in stories for young fillies? I actually haven’t anticipated that. It seemed like her social adventures were that numerous that she started getting back into the psychological profile of a little filly, fleeing into her fillyhood where she actually had friends. Well that was at least what she told me. Bet she didn’t have even a single one.

I only dismissed this and continued placing the books back into the shelves, while Twilight ran around and went to the next book, which was a book about the Mare in the Moon. Wait, this should be a joke about her falling back into her fillyhood. Was she actually doing it? I looked closer to her to judge if this was the case, or if this just was another episode of her.

When she found the needed information, she started reading out loud, probably thinking that I gave a bit about what she says. While she was reciting facts from an old ponytale, I slammed an especially stubborn book into the shelf. But what I haven’t considered was that the forces which I applied to my book when I punched it had equal opposing forces that pushed the ladder, and me, away from the bookshelf. What? If you live your whole life in a library and you don’t have anything to do, you start reading all kind of stuff. I learned this out of a book about a physicist called Tri-sac ponyton. Seriously, who calls their foal Tri-sac?

So, right now I was in a pretty compromising position, in which there was virtually no possible way of coming out unscathed. If I would lean forward, the ladder would go backwards and vice versa. I had to think. After a while, I managed to calm the ladder down, and I now stood on a perfectly straight ladder. I was safe for now, at least as long as I didn’t move.

Then I thought about the things Twilight could do if I don’t clean up this mess in the near future. Deciding that I’d rather take the chances to fall, I decided to pursue placing the books back into the shelves. “Spike, do you know what this means?” I heard from Twilight. She obviously didn’t care that I could die from a fall of this height and that the chances were pretty high for this to happen right now. I only continued placing books into the shelves and answered her.

“Of course I unquestionably heard everything you said and I had plenty of opportunity to think about that old ponytale while calmly placing the books back into the shelves, and not nearly falling to my death.” I told her briefly while putting another book into the shelf. Suddenly, the ladder fell backwards. I obviously had placed my weight too far to the front, which made my legs move the ladder backwards.

Yes, it was over. There was no way that I would survive a fall from this height without any injuries. The only things I regret are that I didn’t burn the books. DAMN YOU LITERATURE! Suddenly, I felt something soft under me, and I realized that I was still alive. I instantly realized that I still could burn the books. Suddenly, I wanted to know what I landed upon, and looked back. I apparently landed on Twilight's back.

How was she under me? Was she actually caring about my health? Did she actually just save my life? I just wanted to say thank you, but I was cut off.

“Take a note, please!” My nearly happy smile instantly turned into a deadpan are-you-serious-look. I sighed. Here, I thought that Twilight actually cared about me, but apparently she only needed someone to write her a letter. I bet she thought about the option to write it herself, but decided that it would be less expenditure to just stand under me when I fell. With a frown, I slid down her tail, and readied my claws to write her letter.

She dictated the letter, and I suddenly got an idea. Oh this will be so much fun. I waited for my opportunity, and when she said “precipice” I saw that this was my chance. “Prece… preci…” I said like the biggest idiot alive, just in order to irritate her. She had a look like she hadn’t expected me to not know how to write a word, but she didn’t care.

“Threshold.” She uttered, and I decided that this was too much fun to stop.

“Threee” I muttered like I didn’t know how to write a “sh”. She clearly didn’t know what to think of this, but used another word.

“Brink?” She said with a hint of a question in there, and I only gave her a look like I didn’t know how to write a five letter word. She only groaned. “That something really bad is about to happen.” I wrote this down together with all the words before, and had to hold back a laugh. Oh this letter would be extremely funny when it was finished.

She continued dictating the letter, and I continued writing it. “… Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle.” She finished, and I followed suit.

“Twiiliiight… Sppaarkllee.” I said while writing down Twignight Snarkle.

“Alright, send it.” She ordered me to do, but I faked stupidity again.

“Now?” I asked her like it wasn’t obvious that I should send it now. She turned around and closed her eyes in confidence.

“Of course.” She stated with a tone that indicated that this should have been obvious. This couldn’t stop now. It was too much fun to annoy her.

“I don’t know, Twilight. Princess Celestia surely is busy, getting ready for the summer sun celebration, and it’s like the day after tomorrow.” She promptly got into my face, and said something along the lines that the world will get destroyed in two days; I didn’t quite listen to her. Deciding that I needed to annoy her more, I simply made myself look like I didn’t know what imperative means. She rolled her eyes and had a terrible annoyed look on her face.

After I uttered something sounding like “impera impera!” She shouted the word “important!” into my face, throwing me back with her speech. While I crashed into the bookshelf, I had to laugh at my success in making her mad, stood up and looked at her with both eyebrows raised.

“Are you absolutely certain that I should send that now? You weren’t straightforward enough in telling me this.” I told her, and she only stared in my eyes like she wanted to make me into a bag. Fearing for my scales, I quickly sent the letter to the princess, but not before reading it over again and laughing inwards.

“My dearerest teacher,

Me searching through pony magic, made me find out that we are on the precipice threshold brink that something really, really bad is about to happen – of disaster.

Because I found out that the Mare in the Moon, will come back to us, and will do something evil to the world. We need to confront her, to stop her.

Please answer because I don’t know what to read anymore.

Your prideful student

Twignight Snarkle.

P.S. This is Spike writing the following. Twilight truly read a lot in the past two days, and I am very concerned about her health. You probably already saw how confused she dictated the letter. I wanted to tell her that she should take a break from studying and her books, but she won’t listen to me. It would be really nice of you to tell her to take a break, but please don’t make it sound like you got that information from me. I don’t want her getting mad at me.

Your trusted dragon,

Spike.

Smirking, I sent the letter to the princess. It would be the best day of my life if the princess actually takes away Twilight's oh so loved books. That would teach her for treating me like a slave. I turned to Twilight and couldn’t hold back a smirk, but I needed to look innocent, so I made myself look like I would smirk because of something different.

“There, I sent it, but I wouldn’t hold your breath.” I told her while going exceptionally high in pitch at the end of my exclamation. She only told me about how great she is and how the most powerful being on the planet never doubts her. Modesty at its finest. Suddenly, I belched up a letter from the princess. I am always impressed how fast she could write a reply.

The letter materialized itself in the air directly in front of Twilight, but as always she was too lazy to use her magic to just grab it and to read it. No, I had to bow down and pick it up from the floor. I opened it and quickly read through it, and I never had to hold back this much laughter. My letter was a total success. I coughed once into my claw because I wanted to sound as official as possible, when I dropped the grim news.

My dearest most faithful student Twilight,

You know that I value your diligence and that I trust you completely, but you simply must stop reading those dusty old books. My dear Twilight, there is more to a young pony's life than studying. So I am sending you to supervise the preparations of the summer sun celebration in this year’s location, Ponyville. And I have an even more essential task for you to complete. Make some friends!

Empress of the Sun

Princess Celestia

Sadly, I don’t know how Twilight reacted to this letter since I was busy fighting asphyxiation through laughing. I even read her the whole letter again when we were flying towards Ponyville, just to annoy her. Sadly, it didn’t work, and she only sighed in exasperation. Suddenly, Twilight perked up and told me that she was right and that there was no doubt that our thousands of years old immortal goddess, who raises the sun every day, could be correct in this matter.

She then told me about her plan, which I didn’t give two bits about. “But when will you make friends, like the princess said?” I asked her, placing special emphasis on the four last words.

“She said to check on preparations, but I am her student, and I will do my royal duty, but the fate of Equestria does not hang on me making friends.” Of course, she would find a damn loophole. Why are laws and this stuff never written to make the creating of a loophole utterly impossible? Damn you literature!

The chariot went down, and we landed in the middle of Ponyville. While Twilight thanked the stallions that pulled the chariot, I saw a pink mare walking down the road and decided that this will be fun. I couldn’t wait to see Twilight fail in social activity. The pink one walked up to us and looked at Twilight with a smile.

“Come on Twilight, just try.” Twilight gulped once and had a nervous smile on her face. Man, she hasn’t even said something, and she already is failing miserably.

“Erm, hello?” Smooth Twilight, real smooth. Suddenly, the pink pony jumped up and gasped like she remembered that her house was on fire, and immediately bolted away. Wow, I knew that Twilight would be bad at this, but not this bad. This will be so much more fun than I expected.

“Well, that was interesting.” Twilight uttered, and I instantly looked at her with a sly smile.

“Yes, and it obviously was not your fault. I bet she just forgot to do something important, and just randomly ran away after talking to you.” Twilight sighed, like she didn’t hear me and only walked away. I also sighed, because it annoyed me when she didn’t show any reactions at my remarks, and followed her.

After a while, we came to some kind of apple orchard, and Twilight was perfectly capable to immerse herself into the speaking pattern of a typical farmer. Her impression of a rough farmer was this perfect that it nearly scared me.

“Good afternoon, my name is Twilight Sparkle.” She said in the most sophisticated character she could muster. Suddenly, the farmer pony grabbed Twilight's hoof and shook it like she would get one million bits if she would be able to dislocate her leg.

“Howdydoo miss Twilight. A pleasure makin yer acquaintance. Ah’m Applejack. We here at Sweet Apple Acres, sure do like makin new friends.” She said with a southern accent. I genuinely had to say that she seemed quite likeable with the way she spoke. The exact opposite of Twilight.

“Fri-i-iends. E-e-e I-i-i.” Twilight smoothly replied, and continued shaking her hoof like Applejack would still have it in her grasp. She stopped after a while, and I couldn’t hold myself back anymore. This truly was better than I ever imagined. She threw at me an annoyed look, and continued talking with Applejack. The conversation was pretty boring until she showed us all her relatives. I was honestly not sure if the Apple-family was as large as the whole of Ponyville, or even larger.

Looking over to Twilight, I saw that she was feeling quite uncomfortable surrounded by all these ponies. Excellent. Just now, I noticed that there was an enormous mountain of apple food in front of us. Twilight tried to avoid staying here, but an adorable little filly was able to convince her to stay. Reminder for later, burn one book in honor of the little filly.

After an hour, we left the orchard and Twilight undoubtedly ate too much. I don’t know why she didn’t stop. Maybe it was me who constantly reminded her that she should honor the hard work of the farmers by trying every treat that they made with their sweat and blood. They worked all day, just to get something to eat for Twilight, and on top of that, for free. No, it couldn’t be that.

As we were walking down the street, we realized that a pegasus name Rainbow Dash should clear the sky of all the clouds. Well, either she didn’t do her job, or this mysterious Rainbow Dash didn’t exist. When Twilight made a remark about Rainbow Dash not doing her job, she got slammed into the mud by said pegasus. The irony of this situation could only be described with the word delicious. Best. Day. Of. My. Life.

It didn’t stop there. Rainbow Dash tried to help Twilight. First washing her, and then drying her. Both were ridiculously performed and at the end, Twilight had the worst mane I saw in my entire life. I couldn’t hold myself anymore, and fell on the ground laying on top of Rainbow Dash, laughing out my soul. This day was just too perfect.

Twilight certainly was not amused, and that made it even funnier. After Twilight asked a question I didn’t hear, Rainbow Dash threw me away from her, and I smashed into a cart full of cabbage. After a short while, I was able to get my things together and, stood up from the now destroyed cart full of cabbage. Looking around, I was happy to see that the pony, to whom the cart belonged to, wasn’t around. Cabbage ponies always seem to be so fanatic about their cabbage.

Well, even if Rainbow Dash hurt me, I still couldn’t think badly of her since she made Twilight mad. Any pony that is able to do that can only be called a friend of mine. Twilight tried to convince Rainbow Dash to clear the clouds, and also to fail to defend her reputation, with a trick. Rainbow Dash accepted, but Twilight hadn’t thought that Rainbow Dash would be able to back up her comments.

She actually cleared the sky in ten seconds. The dumbfounded look on Twilight's face made me nearly tumble over again, but this time I was able to compose myself. The pegasus boasted some more, and then left. I made myself look like I would be awed by her speed, and talked like a fancolt about her, just to annoy Twilight. On top of that, I also played with her mane. Oh this day couldn’t get any better.

Twilight groaned and we walked into a big hall. I read something out about decorations, and then I saw it. Were my eyes deceiving me? Was it possible for a being of a higher plane of existence to occur in this lowly realm? This world couldn’t have produced this. She had to come from the paradise itself. The paradise which was said to harbor everything that gets too beautiful for this world to handle.

This white unicorn. How could she exist here, and what luck of the goddesses must I have to walk across her path in life? How little were the chances for me to experience something so beautiful that the sole gaze upon its appearance could cause blindness and eternal happiness? Her grace, which she showed while selecting the ribbons for the decorations, couldn’t know anything comparable. Her ocean-blue eyes could hold the souls of beings, which dared to take a look into them.

Her voice was perfectly capable of rivaling the beauty of the play of ponyzart during his best times. Her manner of speaking captivated my pure essence and didn’t allow me to think about anything different than the pure beauty of life. The beauty of her mane could only be created by waves of ethereal spring-wind that blew through this purple hair. Everything of her forced me to gaze upon her as long as I could.

In my mental extended state, which was created by the drowsiness of the sweet bite of love, I asked Twilight how my spines looked. Sadly, I wasn’t able to understand anything Twilight said or did because all my senses were being taken by this divine being right in front of me. I could only watch as this being, which was being called Rarity, talked with Twilight and then walked away. Not being able to break out of my love-induced hypnosis, I blindly followed the light of my essence to the building, which Rarity said was called “Carousel Boutique”.

I couldn’t comprehend what happened. On one moment, I was looking in the ponyfication of timeless beauty, and in the next moment I was on Twilight's back. Yet, my mental stability wasn’t restored. I still was drunk of the poison of love, and couldn’t control what I said to Twilight. I also don’t remember what I said to her until she said the word “list”.

Deciding that this could get seriously dangerous for my mental health to dwell upon this, I looked at the list and read the next point. Suddenly, we heard a bird choir, and we jumped into a bush to observe the surroundings. In a clearing, there flew a yellow pegasus with a pink mane. On a tree in front of her were birds which were tweeting in a beautiful melody. The pegasus obviously was directing the chore, and I had to say that she did an excellent job.

One of the birds was chirping in an off-tune, and the yellow pegasus flew up to it. “Excuse me sir, no offense, but your rhythm is just a teeny tiny bit off.” Wow, talk about being polite. When the pegasus tried to continue, Twilight calmly showed that she wanted to talk to the quiet pegasus.

“Hello!” She shouted like there were no shy birds sitting on that tree. The birds flew away, and I had to frown at Twilight. Of course, she would destroy everything that entertained me. “Oh my, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to frighten your birds. I’m just here to check up on the music and it’s sounding beautiful.” Wait, she didn’t want to frighten the birds? I don’t know if I should feel happy or sad about Twilight's obviously severe mental condition.

First she doesn’t search under the letter “p” for a book that began with “p”, and then she didn’t care about her assistant nearly dying. I mean, she would need to reshelve her books all by herself if that were to happen. That should be reason enough for her to care. Then, she talks to an obvious farm-mare with the most sophisticated tone she could muster, and lastly, she blurts out a loud ‘hello!’ and says that she didn’t want to scare the shy birds.

Regardless, the pegasus landed down and looked to the ground, playing with her hooves. Yes, she was oozing out confidence. I had to try to not get too close to her since it seemed like her aura of confidence and assertiveness would make me grow a moustache right on the spot. The pegasus didn’t answer, and the only thing I thought was “awkward”.

Well, the whole thing was bearable because Twilight obviously also felt awkward, and that was worth it. After some futile attempts to start a conversation, the meek pegasus uttered something which couldn’t even be heard if there was a microphone, in front of a megaphone, in front of an amplifier pointed directly at her vocal chords. Like I said, oozing out confidence.

Twilight tried again to get the pegasus to talk, but there was another quiet sound that was apparently her voice. How was she even able to speak this silently? I thought it was impossible for sonar waves to be created if they were this weak. After another futile attempt to get her to talk, the pegasus only whimpered something, and I honestly wasn’t sure why she did that. Was that a natural defense reaction against predators? To whimper?

Twilight slowly made her farewell, and walked back to our/my/her bush, and I decided to walk up to her, wanting to ask how the conversation went. When I came to her, I heard the meek pegasus talk. “OH, a baby dragon!” She exclaimed and smashed Twilight away from me. Oh, I know already that I will like this pegasus. She said something about me being cute, and I used this to annoy Twilight a little more while sounding like an arrogant snob.

The pegasus continued to speak, but before I could say anything, I got picked up by Twilight's magic, and was placed at her back. Well, it annoyed me that she interfered again in a potential conversation I could have, but I should try annoying her more, if that meant free rides on her back. Look who’s the slave now. It seems like Twilight didn’t count on the pegasus following us. “Oh what’s his name?” She asked like I wasn’t there.

“I’m Spike.” I told her, and she seemed to be happy. She also said that her name was Fluttershy.

“Oh a talking dragon. What do you dragons talk about?” She asked with interest. Here we go again with the speciesism. Of course, when a dragon talks, he clearly talks about things, which are totally different from what ponies talk about. Yes, what do dragons talk about? Oh, we obviously only talk about how we eat gems and how we defend our territory. No, we weren’t able to think like ponies, and they all were right to assume that dragons, just because they were dragons, were talking about totally different things than ponies. I forced a smile and looked at her.

“Well, I don’t know. What does a talking pony talk about?” I asked her with feigned interest, but her response wasn’t like I expected.

“Absolutely everything.” She exclaimed with a happy tune in her voice. I can’t counter an honest-to-Celestia innocent statement. Behind me, I heard Twilight groaning, and I decided to not irritate her and only talk about a quick and minor topic. My whole entire life and everything I know.

We talked like this until we got to the house/tree, which we apparently stayed in while we were in Ponyville. A library, of course. How could I even think about the possibility that Twilight would step into a different building, which was not a library? Suddenly, Twilight turned around. “Oh, how did we get here so fast? This is where I’m staying while in Ponyville, and my poor baby dragon needs his sleep.” Oh no, you won’t! Not until you are so livid that you explode into a fiery explosion of rage!

“No I don’t-“I got cut off, when Twilight gently kicked me two meters into the air with her back hoof. The impact with the ground was not pleasant. Gravity, one day, when I get my wings, I will show you who the boss is.

“Oh, wook at that. He’s so sweepy, he can’t even keep his wittle bawance.” She stated with a tone, like she was talking to a foal. Her trying-to-look-innocent smirk could only be described as cocky. Suddenly, Fluttershy picked me up and brought me into the library. Well, more free rides? I can’t complain.

After Twilight gently showed Fluttershy the door, through shoving her violently through it, she came back to me.

“Good job making friends. I am still wondering why not the whole town is piled on you, asking you if you want to be their friend.” I told her with my usual sarcastic voice. Oh, she hated it when I talked sarcastic, which was, by the way, 24/7. Well, I got to show her that I disapprove of her treating me like this someway.

“Sorry Spike, but I have to convince the Princess that Nightmare Moon is coming and that we are running out of time. I need to be alone to just study, without a bunch of crazy little ponies trying to make friends all the time.” She looked around the dark room. “Now, where’s the light?”

Suddenly, the lights went on, and the room exploded into a cheer of “SURPRISE!" OH, a huge crowd of ponies who invaded Twilight's make-shift home and throw her a party. Exactly what she does not want right now, or any other time, and exactly what I do want. Twilight groaned in exasperation, and I let out a sigh in relief.

“Surprise!” The pink pony from earlier said to Twilight. Her name apparently was Pinkie Pie, and she explained how she is friends with every pony… man she sure is talking a lot. I have the theory that she absorbs oxygen through her pink curly mane, and can distribute it effectively enough, to provide a constant flow of words if the need arises. Seriously, she was talking a lot. Normally, this would annoy me, but I appreciated it since it annoyed Twilight.

I saw Twilight, and I instantly knew in what mode she switched into. She was in the, I-absolutely-shut-out-any-information-input-and-only-do-easy-things-to-hold-back-my-aggression-mode. Long name, but it explains her current mental status perfectly. This was perfect timing to make her even madder. I saw her walking over to the drinks, and ran through the crowd to the table before she arrived. I quickly switched the bottle of juice, with the bottle of hot sauce. Oh, this will be just perfect.

She started pouring her drink, and she started to drink it. And more, and more, and more. Man she was drinking a lot. It seemed like she was exceptionally deep in that mode right now. I really had to snicker at this point, because this meant that this only would be even funnier. Pinkie was still talking, but when Twilight turned around, I almost lost it. She was red in her face, and she had tears in her eyes from the spiciness. Not long after, she ran away and went into her room. I smirked, and was happy that I finally had some free time. Oh this party would be formidable.

While Twilight was gone, I partied as hard as never before, which was never. Yes, it was my first party. Everypony drank some kind of weird juice and I followed suit. After some hours, the party seemed to get crazier and crazier. Suddenly, mares began to dance on tables and began to dress themselves slowly in clothes while doing this. I didn’t know why, but I somehow thought it was fascinating and watched it intently.

The music also went way crazier and everypony was only stumbling and screaming around. On another table, some guy drank juice that was being poured down a mare’s tail and practically no pony could speak normally anymore, not even me. I don’t know what they put in that drink, but the ponies all began to act crazy. Suddenly, I got THE idea.

I went to a shelf and picked a book. “Well, I think it’s finally time. In honor for the filly of the Apple family!” I shouted with a smirk while spitting a flame on the book, watching it burn to a crisp. When the book burned out, I laughed out in joy. I couldn’t control myself anymore. I actually laughed like a maniac. This day was just perfect. Twilight was annoyed like never before and I am at my first party ever.

We partied on until after 4:00 AM, but I don’t exactly remember anything at this point. I think I went to Twilight sometime in the party, but I don’t remember anymore what I said, or how I looked for the matter. I stopped drinking around three hours earlier, but I still felt strange. The following events, I can only tell because I asked ponies about what happened that night. I honestly can’t remember anything myself.

After the party, we all went to the Summer-Sun-Celebration. The ponies used an interesting adjective to describe me. They told me I was “hammered”, but I don’t know what that meant. Apparently, I shouted some random physical facts at some stallions, trying to insult them. I heard it didn’t work.

When we were in the hall, the princess got announced, but when she should have stepped out there was no pony. Instead, some kind of black alicorn queen stepped out. As it seems, she tried to make the night last forever. Like I said, I don’t remember anything.

As the black alicorn said that the night would last forever, some bolts of lightning were apparently shooting out of the clouds above her. After hearing this, I only had one statement in my mind.

“The pony telling me this obviously had more to drink than me.”

Author's Note:

Man, I hope no one puked when I wrote that part about Rarity. I just kinda lost myself in the immersion of Spike.

Yes, Spike knows very much, since he has nothing else to do than to read the whole day, and since nearly every book in the library is scientific... well... you know.

Hope someone thought it's funny, and I also hope that I didn't put too much sarcasm in there. Too much sarcasm is just confusing.

Proofread by: ninjamanx