Promise.

by apple_fritter_dream

Promise.

Promise

Waiting, watching, her standing there with a horrified face. Filled with pain and disappointment. I tried not to go completely insane. She looked at me hard and powerful. This way,I thought I was more powerful. Why couldn't I have been more powerful? Stronger? More.. more ..loved?

Why couldn't she just understand?
____________________________________________________________________________________________

My mistake of trying to get her attention hurt so much. Knowing I basically threw my life away then. Being away for 1,000 years seemed like forever. It went by so slow.Lonely, restless nights. So cold. Her eyes so cold, digging into mine. The memories came flashing to my mind. I screamed. Next thing I knew I heard her galloping to my small room. The room I had before I was banished. She ran in without knocking.

She saw me laying there,hooves to head. She sighed and came gently walking up to me. She closed her eyes and lay next to me on my blue bed. She opened her eyes to look at the bright yellow stars printed on the sheets."Are you alright,princess?" She quietly asked me. Her eyes wondering else where.

"Sister.." I quietly said to her wondering of what she was thinking. She looked at me,eyes still so cold.Her hoof caressed my cheek. "Yes, my beautiful princess?"She answered. "Why did you banish me?" My wondering voiced trailed. Yet she smiled at me and said "Listen dear Luna, surely there is no other pony, so lovely and beloved as you. "Her smile faded and her eyes wondered off again.

"Luna I love you more than you know." She tried looking at me again. "My thoughts failed and I ended up yelling at her. "Why!?" I repeated non stop. "WHY? Why? Why? why?.. why..? ..... why ..." My voice trailed off again as tears raced down my cheeks. "Why do you care so much for that filly? Huh? I'm your filly! Not her!" I hit her chest vigorously.

"I understand, Luna. " She finally said. "No you don't!!!" I pushed her away. "I'm sorry,Luna.No one...absolutely no one can replace you Luna, you're my most Favorited filly in the whole wide world! I love you more than more than the Sun" Her eyes became teary." I am just using Twilight for work."She tried to comfort me.

"No you don't! And what work? WORK??? YOU DON'T WORK? YOU GET YOUR STUPID GUARD AND PEOPLE TO DO YOUR WORK AND TAKE THE GEMS AND GOLD THEY WORK HARD FOR!!! "I was then standing on the bed above her." L-Luna.." She tried to calm me down. "I may love Twilight,but no one,no pony could ever compare.I take letters from her to note." Celestia was so honest. "I read them to try to be a better sister!" OK that caught me off guard.

"I tried so hard...not to go completely insane,dear sister" She got up and stood off the bed." I put my trust in you for all this" She said pulling me down." I tried too hard.... " I tried reminding her."I wrote you so many letters!" I actually did want her to know what pain she made me go though. "I'm a monster aren't I?" Her eyes widened. "What..? No you aren't! You are my little princess!" Her eyes still teary. My eyes went blurry as I shut them, " Then why did you hate me?!!!" My heart...burnt....

"T-the reason is..." Celestia started.I stared at her waiting. "I-I'm so sorry to say but..the ponies would get so scared and panic!" There it was. Now she was the one waiting. "I couldn't let them go crazy, I didn't understand then."She continued. "So..you banished me because of the ponies? "I honestly had a hard time controlling myself, yet I did sound kinda calm.. "If they found out there would be no day, they would freak!" Celestia cracked a smile. "I'm sorry it had to be like that." She looked at me. I knew it would never be OK.

"Letters?" Tia asked under her breath. Her eyes were so wide. I nodded and opened my eyes and looked into hers. "I-i didn't receive any letters..?" She sounded heartfelt. "I wrote one everyday for 637 days.Then I knew you would never write back. I finally confessed. "Oh Luna..I am so sorry!" She hugged me. My tears rolled onto her back. She shivered from my coldness, she was so warm. I can't explain what happened. Who knew anger, fear, love could be so dang controlling. "I-i love you sissy Tia" I managed to choke out. For finally telling me.

Hugging her right now yet I feel so...distant...so...far away... I love her so much.
My dear sister.
My dear princess.
My queen.

I couldn't ever resist being away from her. "Luna?"She asked me gently. "Yes sissy Tia? "I replied as my eyes opened, tear filled, blurry. "I will never ever ever leave your side, OK?" I felt a smile stretch across my face.

"You promise?"

"I promise"

_________________________________________________________________________________________________
I love her.
I love her so much.
That promise changed everything.
That night changed everything.
Probably since I was confident with her.
The word promise made me smile.
Making me think back to that moment when
me and my big sister promised never to part.
And I am happy to admit I get along with Twilight Sparkle now.
She also made me so happy!
Twilight,now is one of my best friends!
Admitting to me and why I need to let go of being scared.
My elated life.
I may look sad but inside I'm so happy.
Smiling,playing,with my big sister.
Seeing her,she looks so exited to see me smiling again.
My life,no longer a lie.
My screams fade.
My calls for help trail off.
My restless nights over.
She smiling at me is what I had missed most of all.

My nights now filled with endless wonder.

"I promise"

~Fin~

Comments

[CDFA]

FIRST, PICTURES.

No. The pictures are nice looking but they just ruin the flow of reading. If this were a children's book, then it would be good. However, most children's books aren't 1000 words long, nor do they have a "Sad" or "Dark" tone to it.

The plot is pretty confusing. I don't know what Celestia or Luna are feeling, to be quite honest. What exactly is Luna mad about? Also, not all of the conflicts were really solved, or touched upon. It's just a confusing read for me. For instance

She sounded like she was lying.

Why is this never touched upon? A character lying about something is a pretty big ordeal, especially if it's the thing that solves the entire problem. I'm assuming that the story is told in Luna's POV, so if she had suspicions, she wouldn't be like "OH LOVELY SISTER I FORGIVE YOU"

I have no where to go left.How could this happen to me anyways?I am hugging her right now yet I feel so...distant...so...far away... I love her so much.

What does this mean. Like, serious, I don't get it. Here's how I'm interpreting it as.

"I don't want to be with Celestia, I dislike her, I love her."

Like this literally makes no sense.

"I tried so hard...yet..I'm to far into life to lose you."I acted like I cared.I rolled my eyes as she got up and stood off the bed.

Random tidbit, but this also doesn't really make sense. Like, I'm ASSUMING it's Luna talking (It's VERY unclear). Rolling eyes is an act done in annoyance (For instance, when your mom tells you to get off of the computer to take out the trash while you're talking with your friends.). It's not really something that's done when passionately longing for your sister. Also, Luna seems to care a whole lot in this, yet it's just thrown in "I PRETENDED LIKE I CARED". If you were trying to paint Luna as someone who didn't care, she wouldn't be screaming or be sad about this at all.

"Why did you banish me?"

THIS IS NEVER ANSWERED. She dances questions like Mitt Romney. This was her FIRST CONCERN. The issue with Twilight Sparkle (which is also never really answered) or the letters is NEVER brought up, it's just like "Why did you banish me" "I love you more than anybody"

Obviously there was a pretty bad reason she was banished if she just decided to avoid the question. What's weird is that Luna is COMPLETELY OK with her avoiding, and never touches back on it after the "conflict" is resolved. She still got banished, and according to Luna, she STILL doesn't know why.

Like the entire story just seems like you're trying to hard to be deep and dark that you think "Wow, this sound deep and dark, let's use it!" and sometimes forget what your original intention is, or you'll just drop important plotpoints because you only included them to add onto the "omg let's make this deep and dark."

Spelling and grammar is also cool. For instance, put a space after your periods for the next word. It looks so clumped up otherwise. A lot of issues that make it hard to read is the way it's written. I can see that you tried using choppiness as a stylistic choice, but it doesn't really work, especially when you're trying to make this a story of forgiveness, with choppiness being more associated with hatred.
Finally, remove Nightmare Moon from the tags. Like srs she's never even mentioned. Her and Luna are two different characters.

Not very many positive things I can say about this story, sadly. I see a lot of thumbs up on it at the moment but I'm going to have to give this a big thumbs down.

Also it's not even really 1000 words, the intro is just copied on there and an epilogue is added to make it BARELY fit (and im not sure if URLs make the story longer or anything).

I'm being a bit more brash than I usually am, but point being, this story is confusing, and not in the good way.

[Enrique the Canadian]

My apologies, but the lack of a space after every.Freaking.Period kind of annoyed me. It was a good story nonetheless but the pictures do kind of break the flow.

[apple_fritter_dream]

Dear CDFA
Thank you so much!! I am so thankful for that loooooong loooooooooong comment And I was wondering...since I seriously put more thought and effort into it..if you can look over it! Since you're super good and seeing thought everything!

OKI DOKI THANKS,
~apple_fritter_dream_~

Also ps.
Dear polarisc8
Thanks a lot too! I edited it so I had fixed that problem!

Thanks,
~apple_fritter_dream_~

[apple_fritter_dream]

2086681Dear CDFA

Thank you so much!! I am so thankful for that loooooong loooooooooong comment And I was wondering...since I seriously put more thought and effort into it..if you can look over it! Since you're super good and seeing thought everything!

OKI DOKI THANKS,

~apple_fritter_dream_~