Waiting,watching,her standing there with a horrified face.Filled with pain and disappointment.I tried not to go completely insane.She looked at me hard and powerful.This way,I thought I was more powerful.Why couldn't I have been more powerful?Stronger?More..more..loved?
Why couldn't she just understand?
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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FIRST, PICTURES.
No. The pictures are nice looking but they just ruin the flow of reading. If this were a children's book, then it would be good. However, most children's books aren't 1000 words long, nor do they have a "Sad" or "Dark" tone to it.
The plot is pretty confusing. I don't know what Celestia or Luna are feeling, to be quite honest. What exactly is Luna mad about? Also, not all of the conflicts were really solved, or touched upon. It's just a confusing read for me. For instance
Why is this never touched upon? A character lying about something is a pretty big ordeal, especially if it's the thing that solves the entire problem. I'm assuming that the story is told in Luna's POV, so if she had suspicions, she wouldn't be like "OH LOVELY SISTER I FORGIVE YOU"
What does this mean. Like, serious, I don't get it. Here's how I'm interpreting it as.
"I don't want to be with Celestia, I dislike her, I love her."
Like this literally makes no sense.
Random tidbit, but this also doesn't really make sense. Like, I'm ASSUMING it's Luna talking (It's VERY unclear). Rolling eyes is an act done in annoyance (For instance, when your mom tells you to get off of the computer to take out the trash while you're talking with your friends.). It's not really something that's done when passionately longing for your sister. Also, Luna seems to care a whole lot in this, yet it's just thrown in "I PRETENDED LIKE I CARED". If you were trying to paint Luna as someone who didn't care, she wouldn't be screaming or be sad about this at all.
THIS IS NEVER ANSWERED. She dances questions like Mitt Romney. This was her FIRST CONCERN. The issue with Twilight Sparkle (which is also never really answered) or the letters is NEVER brought up, it's just like "Why did you banish me" "I love you more than anybody"
Obviously there was a pretty bad reason she was banished if she just decided to avoid the question. What's weird is that Luna is COMPLETELY OK with her avoiding, and never touches back on it after the "conflict" is resolved. She still got banished, and according to Luna, she STILL doesn't know why.
Like the entire story just seems like you're trying to hard to be deep and dark that you think "Wow, this sound deep and dark, let's use it!" and sometimes forget what your original intention is, or you'll just drop important plotpoints because you only included them to add onto the "omg let's make this deep and dark."
Spelling and grammar is also cool. For instance, put a space after your periods for the next word. It looks so clumped up otherwise. A lot of issues that make it hard to read is the way it's written. I can see that you tried using choppiness as a stylistic choice, but it doesn't really work, especially when you're trying to make this a story of forgiveness, with choppiness being more associated with hatred.
Finally, remove Nightmare Moon from the tags. Like srs she's never even mentioned. Her and Luna are two different characters.
Not very many positive things I can say about this story, sadly. I see a lot of thumbs up on it at the moment but I'm going to have to give this a big thumbs down.
Also it's not even really 1000 words, the intro is just copied on there and an epilogue is added to make it BARELY fit (and im not sure if URLs make the story longer or anything).
I'm being a bit more brash than I usually am, but point being, this story is confusing, and not in the good way.
My apologies, but the lack of a space after every.Freaking.Period kind of annoyed me. It was a good story nonetheless but the pictures do kind of break the flow.
Dear CDFA
And I was wondering...since I seriously put more thought and effort into it..if you can look over it! Since you're super good and seeing thought everything!
Thank you so much!! I am so thankful for that loooooong loooooooooong comment
OKI DOKI THANKS,
~apple_fritter_dream_~
Also ps.
Dear polarisc8
Thanks a lot too! I edited it so I had fixed that problem!
Thanks,
~apple_fritter_dream_~
2086681Dear CDFA
Thank you so much!! I am so thankful for that loooooong loooooooooong comment
And I was wondering...since I seriously put more thought and effort into it..if you can look over it! Since you're super good and seeing thought everything!
OKI DOKI THANKS,
~apple_fritter_dream_~