• Member Since 5th Jun, 2012
  • offline last seen February 26th

TwiSpark


E

Twilight wakes up in a world of humans, with a new name and a new appearance, but with the memories of a pony, her human friends thinks she is delusional from the accident they claim she was in, but Twilight is still hanging on to the fact that she is still a pony, Twilight slowly shrinks into her small world of craziness and her humanized friends desperately try to help her, Twilight thinks that her only hope to find a way out of this weird world and get back to Ponyville is that Twilight finds the humanized Celestia.

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 4 )
Comment posted by RainbroStache deleted Feb 6th, 2013

Oh and a few more things. I tried telling you this over the phone, but I don't think you fully understood. :pinkiesmile:

First things first: The "&" symbol. I am very well aware you were writing this on your iPod, but for the next chapters I would rather you write it out.

Second(Grammar): I froze(,) Yeah, that needs to be a period. Same with the sentence before it; ... too painful to say(,) ; "You(!) Silly!" Should be a comma. ; :derpytongue2: ...getting dark(er) ; "Tiana?" (paragraph break) The humans asked me "S-Shut up... ; "My name isn't Tiana!!" I shouted at her(,) period. :derpytongue2: Gosh, you're hitting all of those, huh? ; feeling in my gut worsening(,) I think you can guess...

Third and probably most important: Said, asked, replied. Those are kind of overused and vague... Ex: added, sighed, mumbled, commented, gasped, remarked, etc.

Fourth: (Not huge, but just to be added) "...she had a hat with a little propeller on it. That could be said as just propeller hat

Again, easy fixes :pinkiehappy: Awesome story. Favourited. :yay:

DON'T YOU DARE STOP WRITING THIS. :flutterrage:

Took a peek at this.

Not perfect, but interesting premise.

I do have some grammar advice: I'd drop the "&" symbol if I were you. Also, a general rule of thumb when writing dialogue is that if you're going to follow with "said" or "asked," the last punctuation mark should be a comma, i.e:

"I really like you." She said. "I really like you," she said. The first sentence is grammatically incorrect; the second is correct usage.

If the last punctation mark of your dialogue is an exclamation point or a question mark, you do not capitalize the next work after the dialogue is over unless it is a proper noun. Example:

"She was really frustrating me!" said Rarity. "What do you think you are doing?" the stallion asked. Those sentences are both correct. However, these ones are not: "She was really frustrating me!" Said Rarity. "What do you think you are doing?" The stallion asked.

I really recomend getting an editor or a pre-reader--there's plenty of groups here on the site that will help you out with that. Even just getting someone else to casually glance over it once before you publish can be a lifesaver.

Hope to see more from you.:rainbowdetermined2:

Great, it's like looking at a ghost zone here.

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