One day while studying for a transformation spell, Spike gives Twilight a letter sent from Princess Cadence telling her to drop everything she's doing and come to Canterlot immediately because of an emergency regarding her older brother, Shining Armor.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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The ending might have worked better if Twilight hadn't hung herself. That didn't really seem to string it together very well and it was a bit too morbid, it kind of made it unbelievable.
Doesn't she love others? She coped fairly well without her brother when he was off at the palace before the wedding.
Rated Everyone.
Agreed with Lazy Dan. This story is definitely mislabeled. It's not for everyone.
This fic was too telling and not showing enough. To elaborate, it's very "This-happened-and-then-this-happened". Shining Armour's tragically early death at the hands of a horrendous ravaging disease takes all of a short paragraph. It has a very hard time being emotionally impacting when it's so brief. A good start would be to use more descriptive wording; *cough cough* in the middle of a sentence just makes it sound like he has a sore throat. If you want to drive the point home that this guy is really sick to the pointwhere his own body is killing itself trying to ged rid of it, that coughing is going to need padding, up to a paragraph of its own.
On a similar note, Twilight hanging herself is written as devastatingly as "Twilight hangs herself." You could've written an entire day of her trying to deal with emotional trauma, then tearfully tying herself a noose and kicking her own bucket. If you were going for a sudden shocking death, on the other hand, hanging is a bit too long-winded. Twilight's room is at the top of a tall spire built simply to give it good view, though. Maybe have her stand on the balcony, admire the view for a moment, think of Shining one last time, then trip herself over the railing.
You could also up the drama by having Twilight actually -send- the final letter to Celestia. Have a scene where Twilight seems to get over it a little, and makes peace with the fact that her brother's gone. Have her write a note to the princess, but don't tell the reader what's in it. Switch to Celestia recieving and reading the letter, and mirror the reader's horror with her own. Cue panicked rushing through the castle to stop Twilight bumping herself off, and breaking the door down with sheer terrored punches, only to find that she's too late.
At the very least, this deserves at least a "Teen" rating. It's pretty clean, though, so no need for a Gore tag.
Critisism over, that's gonna be one hell of a re-meeting conversation in the afterlife.
Shining: T-Twilight? What are you doing here? I've only been here five minutes!
Twilight: I couldn't go on without you, Shining. I had to end it.
Shining: You couldn't go five minutes knowing I was dead? I'm not even through immigration yet!
*Cadence appears*
Shining: Am I really that much of a keystone here?