Obama Goes to Equestria

by a human

...The Plan

It was the dead of night.

Stealthily, a figure opened a door. With a thud, she tossed a heavy sack on the ground and dragged it outside. She checked the surroundings. Left. Right. Left. Right. Leftright. The coast was clear.

Shovel. Check.

Evidence. Check.

MP3 player. Check.

Laboriously, she started digging. She was unused to such a job, and really would have preferred not to, but she had no choice. If anyone found out, it would be… a slight inconvenience, honestly, but an inconvenience nonetheless.

And if there is anything she couldn't stand, it was an inconvenience.

An hour passed. Finally, the hole was big enough. With a grunt, she tossed the bag into it. She could never stand this part, and looked away. It landed with a disgusting squish sound. When she looked down, she was immediately filled with regret.

"Celestiadammit! I knew that hole wasn't big enough!"

More digging. Now it was big enough. She tossed the bag down, sighed, and started refilling the hole. Two hours later, it was done. She slumped against the wall.

Rarity wiped the sweat off her brow. "There has got to be a better way to dispose of condoms than this…" she said. She looked up. The sun was up. She laid against the wall, exhausted, until she heard a familiar set of footsteps.

"Hey there, Obama! Nice weather, isn't it?" she slurred, half-asleep, trying to be casual. "Anyway, how is your sex life?"

Obama didn't have time to get annoyed at her.

He was on a mission.

– – Five hours earlier… – –

"Come in!"

Obama opened Twilight's door and spastically closed and hid behind it so no one saw him.

"How's our privacy situation?" he asked.

"I've removed all the bugs, sealed up all the secret passageways, removed all of Pinkie Pie's crap, declared the library closed for today, and, most importantly," Twilight inhaled, "surrounded the building in a Somebody Else's Problem Field."

"A what?"

"Anyone who needs to do something in the library will suddenly blame it on someone else and walk away." Twilight smirked. "You're really worried about Rarity, aren't you?"

"And being found out by the monarchy, yes," Obama said. "So, are you really in?"

"I was beginning to question things myself. But recent events only convinced me that you were right." Twilight quivered in anger. "I was treated horribly in jail, made to watch one of my closest friends in her worst moments, got a pony committed… all by Celestia. And I'm closer to her than anyone. I'm her personal student! I can't even imagine the suffering she must've caused everyone else."

Obama paused. "Got a pony committed?"

"Didn't you hear?" Twilight said. "Derpy got put in the mental institution after you tied her up."

Obama froze. "It isn't because she said Pinkie Pie went inside of her, is it? Because I saw it with my own eyes, I can vouch for that."

"No, they believed that," Twilight said. "Half their patients are in there because of Pinkie Pie."

"And the other half?"

"Discord."

"Who?"

Twilight grew pale. "Let's not talk about Discord."

Obama tried to change the subject. "So, about Celestia…"

"That's right! I've been thinking about that," Twilight said, now excited. "I think the only way we're going to pull off overthrowing her is to convince the whole town she's bad news."

"The whole town?" Obama said. "How are we going to do that?"

"With subtle manipulation. You're already good at that, I can tell," Twilight replied, making Obama uncomfortable. "It's not going to be easy, and it's not going to be quick. That's good for us, though."

"Good?"

"If we try doing this quickly, it's not going to work. Celestia's been doing this for 1000 years. I'm sure she has some tricks up her sleeve… er, hoof, er horseshoe." Twilight briefly got distracted thinking about how various human phrases had worked their way into pony vernacular even though they didn't make much sense, but she pulled herself back on topic. "And we need time to figure out how to raise the sun."

Obama stared at her. "What?"

Twilight started pacing around. It was lecture time. "I wasn't kidding when I said Celestia and Luna raise the sun and moon. Our world doesn't work like yours. Without manual intervention, most parts of nature don't work—including the sun. If we want to overthrow Celestia, we need to prepare a way for us to raise the sun on our own."

Obama thought about it. "But can't we just make her keep raising the sun?"

"Do you really think that's going to work?" Twilight scoffed. "She could turn us down, make demands, and end up taking power again. Let's face it." Her face hardened. "If we want to overthrow Celestia, we have to kill her."

Obama shuddered.

This was going perfectly.

"Now, about getting the town against her…" Twilight put her hoof on her chin. "There's only one way I can think of to do that. There's one pony here everyone trusts, and we can get her on our side, the rest will inevitably follow."

Obama stared at Twilight. "Who is this pony?"

– – – –

Obama stared at Applejack's door. Twilight and Obama had discussed many things, but everything hinged on this. She was the key. Get Applejack in, everyone else follows. He just had to remember that.

He knocked.

"What is it?" a distraught voice said from inside.

"It's me, Obama," Obama said, as if there was anyone who even wanted to impersonate him. "I want to talk with you."

The voice considered it.

"Come in," it said.

Obama entered.

The room was a mess. Well, no, not really, the room was fine, but Applejack was a mess.

She wasn't kidding when she said she needed to rethink her life.

"What do you want?" she asked, shivering in a corner.

"Just to talk."

Applejack paused.

"There's just been too much going on recently," she said. "I don't know… I don't know how much more I can take."

"Too much going on?" Obama asked, egging her on. Unlike her, he was going to play counselor the right way.

"Well, y'all, for one," Applejack replied, gesturing at Obama. "Did you know every time a new human appears in Equestria, all six of us have to greet them?"

"No."

"Well, it's true. Celestia's orders. You can hardly have a moment to yourself before another one of you shows up." Applejack looked at Obama. "No offense."

"None taken." Better to just let her vent.

"I mean, at first it was kind of neat. We got a bunch of new ideas we never would've thought of before." Applejack smiled. "I can't even begin to count what y'all have given us in technology and knowledge—I mean, I know I never would have thought of flair apple marketing it wasn't for that band, Rammstien!"

Obama tried and failed to imagine that meeting.

She lowered her head. "But we have the Lyra test for a reason. After a while, victims started speaking up, and we found out what the humans were really doing. Rape, murder, things beyond our wildest imagination. No one could figure out why… until we found out about the TV show of us in your world. How… obsessed these people were of it. They tried to hide it from us. They said they thought we couldn't handle the existential crisis, or some crap like that." She punched the wall. "But I know that's a lie! I know a lie when I see one! They just didn't want us to know they were using us to carry out their sick fantasies from their world! As if we still weren't real!"

She breathed heavy for a bit.

"And then… finding out I've been eating my friend for the last 10 years… it's just too much." She sighed. "I thought everything that's been going wrong lately started with the humans, but now that I've found out about Pinkie Pie… I don't know what to believe."

Obama, with heavily calculated sympathy, patted Applejack on the shoulder. That was an $800 workshop.

"The more I hear about it, the more I think that TV show of us is how our lives were supposed to be." She paused. "Ditzy was right. This isn't natural."

They sat there for a bit.

"Do you feel better now?" Obama asked.

"Yeah," Applejack replied. "I should be back to normal in a day or two. You… don't have to stay here if you don't want to."

"Okay," he replied. He stood up and started walking out, but Applejack stopped him.

"Wait," she said, a bit oddly. "There is… there is one more thing I want to tell you."

Obama kneeled down next to her again. "What is it?"

She stared into space, as if trying to remember something extremely vague. Obama was just about to ask if she was okay when she continued talking. "I haven't told anyone this yet, but I feel like you have to know." She looked down. "If you think I've been treating you badly, trying to make your problems worse… you're right. I'm usually not such an awful counselor, I swear."

"It's okay," Obama lied.

"It's just… I hate the humans. When I volunteered to be counselor, I wanted to get back at them. Make their lives worse. Because… because…" She started tearing up. "…those bastards took away my family."

Obama paused. "What?"

Applejack looked at Obama. "My parents weren't dead until the humans came. Just gone. But then some humans got their hands on them and killed them, because that damn TV show makes it look like they're dead and they couldn't deal with anything being different from their fantasy." She started crying. "And I thought all humans were the same until I met you, and you've been so nice to us all I feel really bad for treating you bad."

Obama held Applejack. "There, there," he said as she sobbed into his shoulder. "It's okay. I forgive you."

"Thanks…"

Obama smiled. Of course he forgave her.

He had his way in.

Comments

[TangoForce141]

Ok can I say let's not repeat nightmare moon becouse I admagin with all this strange stuff Luna still has resentment toward celestia so yeah

[TangoForce141]

Oh and what the hell with the beginning and rarity ?

[a human]

2634188
I had that scene written separately, and figured this chapter needed some comic relief, so put it there.

2633507
Don't worry. Luna will not become Nightmare Moon again.

[TangoForce141]

2634657 ok good good and what bout RD I know she doesn't like celestia what is she gonna do?

[a human]

2634683
I've already said too much.

[TangoForce141]

Ok I know she participates but that's all I can figure out

[JosephRascon1789]

Well this went from laugh in the park to dark twisted story

[Shrek the Ogre]

2634657 I know I've already said this already, but I'll say it again: This fic deserves a lot more likes than it has at the moment!

[Spyrogyra]

For anyone who doesn't know Ramstien, I would suggest you go watch some of the videos, that will kind of give you the context of the song if you don't understand German. My favorite song by them is Ich Will, but they're all good.

[LightnDarkGodofSalvation]

Now the ending of this chapter is just cold.

[vinyldash23]

the thing with rarity disgusted and confused me, much like much of the story thus far, and the thing with AJ's parents just triggered me, like some more of this story. The rest was ok though. IDK why I love this so much, but I do.