Obama Goes to Equestria

by a human

The Doubt…

"No."

"No room here."

"I've got enough freeloaders."

"I said no."

"Get away, you freaks!"

After Colgate turned them down for the last time, the gang started dejectedly walking around town.

"I don't understand," Pinkie Pie said. "Last time they were so eager to have a human!"

"You could always stay with me," Rarity said, eyeing Obama.

Twilight rolled her eyes. "You just want to sleep with him, don't you?"

"What!? No! Don't be ridiculous," Rarity said with very little conviction.

"I bet they're nervous because of that last guy," Applejack said.

Obama perked up. "Last guy?"

"Dan. Or Tim. Or Bob. Something three letters long with a vowel in the middle. We tried to forget him," Twilight said. "When Lyra started hitting on him, he bellowed at the sky and started choking her. We figured if he was that opposed to her depravity, he would be an even better fit for Ponyville."

"And?"

"No."

Obama sighed.

Twilight felt bad. "Don't worry, I'm sure we can find someone willing to put you up. I mean, you were a well respected, competent leader back in your world," she said, not knowing the controversy that would start in the comments section.

Across the street, an ear perked up. Suddenly Mayor Mare was right next to Twilight. "Did someone say leader?" she purred unnaturally.

Twilight spotted an opportunity. "Yes, this is Barack Obama, former—"

"Community organizer," Obama continued, confusing Twilight.

"Oh, this is perfect!" Mayor Mare said. "Our last community organizer just got murdered!"

Full stop.

"What!?" Applejack said.

"How did this happen!? Do you know who did it!?" Twilight said.

"We found her in Fluttershy's yard, holding onto a half signed petition with her dying breath," Mayor Mare said. "But Fluttershy didn't do it. She has an alibi."

"Are you sure!?" Twilight said. "How do you know?"

"Fluttershy said so."

Fluttershy nodded.

There was nothing at all suspicious about this.

"Anyways," Mayor Mare said, turning to Obama, "would you be willing to take her place?"

"Of course," Obama said. All the easier to infiltrate.

"Wonderful! Let me show you to the town hall," Mayor Mare replied, leading Obama away.

The gang watched them walk away and sighed in relief.

"Finally!" Rarity said, joyously. "I can get back to my bachelor party."

"Rarity," Twilight said, disgusted, "I will do everything in my power to prevent that."

"Oh, are you jealous?" Rarity said, stroking her hair. "I'm flattered, but I don't do mares. At least not for free."

Twilight screamed in frustration. Luckily Rainbow Dash appeared out of nowhere to brighten the mood.

"Hey guys," she said, Scootaloo's frayed wing in her mouth. She spit Scootaloo out onto the only piece of hard asphalt in Ponyville. "Did I miss anything?"

"Oh, we were just looking for a place for the human to live," Rarity said.

"Oh! Oh oh! I have the best idea!" Rainbow Dash said. "He could live with the Cutie Mark Crusaders!"

"Are you insane!?" Twilight yelled. "Who would let some random old guy live with their kids!?"

"No, think about it," Rarity said. "Between Rainbow Dash and a weird old man from a different dimension that we barely know, which would you choose?"

A brief pause.

"Weird old man."

"Old guy."

"The one that isn't Rainbow Dash."

"Interdimensional abomination."

"Creepy man."

"Yeah, no offense," Rarity said, even though it totally was, "but Rainbow Dash, you are horrible with kids."

"What? You kidding? I'm great with kids!" Rainbow Dash said, somehow injuring Scootaloo in the process.

"Right," Twilight said, dodging the blood. "Why are you so insistent on demonstrating it?"

"Someday," Rainbow Dash said, looking dreamily up to the sky. "I'll be a professional party planner."

Twilight blinked. "Don't you already manage the weather? Isn't that basically your cutie mark?"

"The money just isn't there," Rainbow Dash said.

Twilight cocked her head. "The money is in party planning?"

"Yeah!" Rainbow Dash said, pulling a brochure from the same place Pinkie Pie keeps all her weird crap. Pinkie Pie made a mental note to step up her security. "Check it out!"

Twilight took it, assuming she was the only literate pony as usual. "The Rainbow Factory," she read. "Hard, cold money! And mares! Wonderbolt supported! Requirements: you must be good with children, pony sized grinding machines, or both." Various pictures of smiling children and rainbows adorned the margins. For some incomprehensible reason, there was also a gorilla on a motorcycle.

"What exactly do they do again?" Applejack said, confused as everyone else.

"Plan parties, obviously," Rainbow Dash said.

"Sounds like my kind of joint, yo," Pinkie Pie said, trying, and failing, to be gangsta.

"Mine too. I want to get in on that pony grinding," Rarity said, doing that creepy eyebrow thing sex offenders do, apparently, before she quickly corrected herself. "With stallions, of course."

Fluttershy denied any involvement in this business.

"So, let me get this straight," Applejack asked. "You're basically keeping Scootaloo around just so you can get mares and cash?"

Rainbow Dash nodded. "Why? Is there something wrong with that?"

Applejack sighed. "Rainbow Dash, if you keep this up, I'm going to adopt Scootaloo."

"I'm not an orphan Rainbow Dash just keeps kidnapping me," Scootaloo tried to say, but through the spleen coming out of her mouth it came out more like "Rainbow Dash is wonderful!"

"Aw," Rarity cooed. "Well, if Scootaloo says so."

"I guess it's fine," Twilight said. "Let's go get a drink, guys."

The gang went to Applejack's house. After making sure no one was watching, she took out a crossbow from a pile of hay and shot at a random panel on the side of her barn. The ground started shaking, and the patch of ground underneath them lowered, exposing a secret passageway. After making their way through an ice maze dungeon and saying the secret password in front of a flamethrower protected door, the gang reached Applejack's secret reserve cider bar.

It's not like alcohol was illegal or anything, it was just cooler like this.

"W00000t!" Applejack's slurred, taking a sip. "N0thing b3ats r3s3rv3 c1d3r!"

"Yesh!" Rainbow Dash slurred, somehow drunk before drinking anything.

Fluttershy single-handedly emptied one of the kegs.

Pinkie Pie became the glass.

"Whatever you can't solve a problem wash stallions, there's always alcohol!" Rarity slurred. "And according to history… he says Celestia withs the same way, right, Twilight? Right? So it's okay! Less do that, guys!"

After deciphering what Rarity said, and trying to ignore Applejack and Rainbow Dash doing increasingly inappropriate things with their tongues, Twilight wondered.

– – – –

Finally at home, and gloriously, gloriously drunk, Twilight put Spike to bed and quietly trotted to one of her many bookshelves. She scanned through the titles. She was looking for something specific. Finally, she found it. She took "Equestrian History 101" out of the shelf and started paging through it.

There. That sentence.

"Homosexual relations were unusual until 13th century AC, when our great Princess Celestia ran out of stallions, and in her infinite wisdom, declared them the new normal."

Followed by heaps of praise talking about how it bolstered the economy, created jobs, and reduced overpopulation.

Obviously it didn't hurt that much, but…

Ran out of stallions.

That bugged her.

The princess said she was always looking out for the greater good. But what greater good was that? Who did that really benefit, other than her? She could've chosen to embrace homosexual relations for many other reasons, and in many different ways, but instead she chose to make everyone suit her whims when it was convenient. Now that Twilight thought about it, Celestia only became interested in her after she saw she had power. Was Twilight just one of her pawns?

Twilight thought back to what Obama said. Was she just imposing her rule?

Maybe…

Maybe he was right.

Comments

[a human]

I've decided to go with Liznaith's idea, one I also had independently. But don't worry, it might not be permanent, and I will at the very least reference everyone else's.

[Hyper-Insomniac]

Favourite president my ass....

[a human]

2172601
Fixed

[Hyper-Insomniac]

2175816 xD good man

[Desert Tortoise 22]

is Fluttershy not actually talking supposed to be a running gag or something?

Cuz It's Hilarious!

[vinyldash23]

I'm sorry, but Obama sucked. I am a conservative, so I'm slightly biased, but still, he sucked. TRUMP 2020 BOIS!