Obama Goes to Equestria

by a human

☣ Pinkie Pie ☣

"I'm fine…" Pinkie Pie said, gritting her teeth. "I just need to… get to the bakery…"

"Let me see!" Twilight said, running over. When she saw Pinkie Pie, she gasped.

Pinkie Pie was doubled over in pain. One of her legs had a green splotch starting to form at the bottom.

"Twilight!" Rainbow Dash said. "You know what this is!?"

"I… I don't… I think…" Not many diseases were around in Equestria anymore—at least not unless they had been royally whitelisted. "It could be gangrene, but I haven't heard of that existing for hundreds of years…"

"Okay!" Rainbow Dash said. "Guys! We need to take Pinkie Pie to the library as quickly as possible!"

Twilight facehoofed. "No, you idiots! She needs to go to a hospital!" she yelled. "For Celestia's sake, I'm a librarian, not a doctor!"

She grabbed Pinkie Pie and teleported to the hospital.

Rainbow Dash stared at the now empty spot. "Sorry?"

"Quick, girls! We need to follow her to the hospital!" Applejack yelled, running off. Everyone else followed.

"Hey, wait for me!" Rarity said. She started running, but tripped over something.

"Urgh…" she groaned, and tried to look back at what tripped her. The tile floor there had started to dip down and turn purple. Curious, she walked over to it and touched it. It was soft, and stretched down a bit.

"Was that always there…?"

– – – –

"So," Applejack asked Twilight, panting. "How is it?"

"Not good," Twilight said. "Gangrene is the doctor's best guess, too, but we've never seen anything like this. In the last hour it's advanced 3 inches."

"What!?" Applejack yelled. "That fast!?"

"I wouldn't believe it myself, but I saw it grow with my own eyes," Twilight said. "We sent out a piece of it for testing, but it won't be done fast enough." She struggled to say the next part. "We've determined… that before it spreads further, we have no choice but to perform an amputation."

Everyone stared in silence.

"Isn't there another option? There has to be another option, right?" Applejack said.

"We don't have time," Twilight said. "We can't take the risk of this spreading further through her body. It's causing her great pain." She looked down. "It's the only way."

Applejack swallowed. "How much time do we have?"

"Just enough to say some last words," Twilight said. "We should go in."

Solemnly, they all entered the surgery room. Inside was a doctor, a couple of nurses, and Pinkie Pie cringing on the surgery table.

Tears began to form in Rainbow Dash's eye. "Pinkie Pie…"

"Don't worry about me, okay?" Pinkie Pie managed to get out. "I just need to get to the bakery, that's all…"

"You know we can't do that," Twilight said. "After the… surgery, you can go there all you want."

"If you need someone to take you anywhere, I'll be there, Pinkie," Rainbow Dash said. "I'll… I'll be there, okay?"

Pinkie Pie looked worried. "Guys, really…"

"You've just got to believe us," Rarity said. "This is the only way."

Pinkie Pie looked up with a resigned understanding. "Fluttershy…? Are we friends now…?"

Fluttershy called dibs on Pinkie Pie's stuff in case she died.

"Good enough… for me…"

The doctor walked up with a handsaw. "It's time for the amputation," he said.

"Let's go outside," Twilight said, starting to walk out. "We don't want to see this, do we?"

"No," the doctor said, blocking her, "I can't let you do that."

Twilight stopped. "Excuse me?"

"It's the new law. After so many botched operations, the patient's relatives now have to watch to make sure it goes okay," the doctor said. "Celestia's orders."

Twilight twitched. "Celestia's what?"

The doctor lifted the handsaw over his head. "OKAY KIDS!" he yelled. "IT'S CUTTIN' TIME!" And he violently swung down.

The ponies winced as the handsaw hit the operating table with a thud. They stared at the scene in shock, motionless. Pinkie Pie was now missing a leg.

"...aaaand that's it," the doctor said, casually wiping the handsaw. "We'll send some crutches and the bill your way soon enough." He started heading out. "Now I've just got to to clean off the blood, and…"

"What… blood…?" Rarity stammered.

"What? The blood on the handsaw, obvi…" The doctor looked down at the pristinely clean handsaw. He looked back at the operating table. Also clean.

"What?" he said. "What's going on?"

They looked at the now unconscious Pinkie Pie, specifically where the amputation was performed. Twilight was the only one with the guts to make sure. She approached the spot and touched it. She got closer and took a sniff. She froze. Slowly, she turned around and faced the gang, her voice barely even a whisper.

"Cotton… cotton candy."

Silence.

"What is she?" Applejack said.

"I don't know." Twilight backed away, fearful. "I don't know."

They watched as the doctor and nurse screamed and ran out. No one stopped them.

They felt wind blow through the room, and turned to Pinkie Pie. Some kind of energy was gathering around the cut. It felt like every molecule in the room was flying towards it. Then, a bright light blinded them, and when they could see again, Pinkie Pie was bouncing around, all four of her legs intact.

"Hi guys!" she said. "What's up?"

They were at a loss for words.

"Pinkie Pie," Applejack said. "What are you?"

"I thought I told you guys!" Pinkie Pie said. "I'm cotton candy!"

"How is that even possible!?" Twilight screamed, breaking the golden rule.

Pinkie Pie inhaled. "Well, you see, since all the places I usually could have been born were destroyed when she kept messing around in time, the universe needed to get a little creative with how I came to be. Not to mention, the weapon also got destroyed, so you know, kill two birds with one stone!"

Before anyone had time to react, an angry lab pony burst into the room.

"Very funny," he said, his eyes on a report. "We tested that 'infectious disease tissue' and determined that it's… common mold."

Twilight looked at Pinkie Pie. "Common… mold?"

"Well, I'm cotton candy, so it only makes sense that I would get moldy, too, silly!" Pinkie Pie replied.

The lab pony slowly looked up from his report. "What? What are you people talking about?" he said. "And hasn't the operation started y—"

"Well, that's enough of that!" Applejack said nervously, pushing him out. "Thanks for the information! Now you better get back to work!" She shoved him outside and slammed the door shut, breathing a sigh of relief.

"How could we only be finding out you get…" Twilight winced. "…moldy now?"

"That's easy!" Pinkie Pie said. "I usually cut off my moldy parts before it gets this bad!"

"Now who's being silly!?" Applejack said. "We definitely would have noticed that!"

"That's why I bake them into my desserts!"

Silence.

"You what!?" Rainbow Dash yelled.

"Well, it's cotton candy, so it's not like it's bad or anything," Pinkie Pie said, rolling her eyes. "And everyone loves my desserts! They always ask me what my secret ingredient is! It turns out the secret ingredient is Pinkie Pie!"

Silence.

"So, let me get this straight," Applejack said. "You're made of cotton candy, you perform self-amputation every day, and we've been eating pieces of you for the last 10 years."

"Correctamudo!"

Applejack pulled her hat down and began to walk out. "I need to rethink my life," she said, stumbling out of the door.

Twilight cleared her throat. Might as well try to clear up some of the other mysteries. "And what about those space tricks that you do?" she asked. "How do you do those?"

"What, you guys can't do that?" Pinkie Pie said from inside a pill bottle.

Twilight groaned. "So it just… comes naturally to you?"

"It's just like walking!" Pinkie Pie said, bending space to get out of the pill bottle. "Heck, sometimes it's easier than walking!"

Okay, this was clearly going nowhere. "Um, next question," Twilight said. "If you can perform self-amputation every day, that means you can't feel pain, right?"

Pinkie Pie nodded.

"And the fact that you have all of your limbs means you can regenerate, right?"

Pinkie Pie nodded.

"So…" Twilight gulped. "You're immortal?"

Pinkie Pie thought about it. "You know, I guess I am," she said. "I never thought about it like that before. But I'm not like a normal immortal, like you or Celestia, because—"

"Wait, me!?" Twilight yelled.

Pinkie Pie covered her mouth. "Oops, that hasn't happened yet, has it? Just pretend I didn't say anything!" she yelled, panicked.

There was no way Twilight was ever forgetting that.

"So, if you're immortal," Rainbow Dash said. "Do you age? How old are you, really?"

"Same age as you guys!" Pinkie Pie said. "But I've always looked like this, though, so I guess I don't age. If you guys ever need any fixing up when you're old, like what I did for Ditzy, I'll always be around!"

Twilight looked confused. "What you did for…?"

Rarity quickly covered her mouth. "I don't think Twilight wants to know about that," she said. "You know, after all she's been through."

"But—"

"Look, do you want to sleep tonight?" Rarity whispered, panicked. "It's bad enough that I'm going to be kept up by something that isn't sex, I couldn't stand for two ponies being held back like that."

Twilight believed her and dropped it.

"So," Pinkie Pie said. "Is that it? Any more questions?"

"Fluttershy?" Rarity said. "You got anything?"

Fluttershy was too busy eating Pinkie Pie's severed leg.

"Guess that's a no," Rarity said. They all started walking out, but not before Pinkie Pie yelled and stopped them.

"I forgot one thing!" Pinkie Pie said. "Don't tell anyone about this! She said ponies would get bothered of they found out about me, and so far, everyone who's found out about me has disappeared! Promise me, guys!"

"Pinkie Pie…"

Pinkie Pie looked them all in the eye. Simultaneously. "Pinkie Promise."

Everyone was too scared to say no. "Pinkie Promise," they all said.

"Good!" Pinkie Pie said. "Now I have to go and make some cupcakes before the rest of me gets moldy. Since you guys already know everything, I'm just going to leave through the wall, okay? See you!" And Pinkie Pie left through the wall.

"What was that agreement you reached with Pinkie Pie about Pinkie Promises again?" Rarity asked. "She could put a hot iron on our face?"

"Yeah," Twilight said. "Not one of my best moments. But who would believe us?"

"Good point," Rarity said. "Let's go. Obama! Are you coming?"

Obama stared at the wall, traumatized.

"Guess not. Tootles!"

– – – –

It was the dead of night. Twilight tiredly knocked on her door, and Spike opened it.

"You sure have been out for a while," he said. "Where have you been?"

"Jail," she replied.

Spike put his hand on his chin. "That does explains a lot," he said. "What happened?"

"Trixie made me her prison bitch."

Spike stared at her. "No, I meant… wait, Trixie isn't in jail!"

"That did not help."

There was an awkward silence.

"Spike," Twilight said. "Take a letter."

Spike grabbed a quill and paper, excited. This didn't happen much anymore! Twilight cleared her throat.

"Dear Princess Celestia,

Pinkie Pie scares me.

Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle"

Spike finished writing. "That's it?" he said.

"Yep. Send it off."

Hesitant, he did. A couple seconds later, Celestia's response arrived. Spike opened up the scroll and read it.

"Me too.

~ Princess Celestia"

Spike looked up. "Wait, what? What's this about?" he said.

Twilight headed upstairs. "You don't want to know."

Comments

[RedvsBlue327]

I'm just going to quote another fic to show how discombobulated and detached my mind is now.

America's Declaration of Independence from Equestria
Dear Equestria

Fuck you
Trolololololol

From Lord Second I of the United States.

[a human]

2461376
Comments like this make it all worth it

[JosephRascon1789]

Oh..... This will never cease to be funny

[TangoForce141]

I knew it pinkie and hey I found a mistake “I… I don’t… I think…” Not many diseases were around in Equestria anymore. “It could be gangrene, but I haven’t heard of that existing for hundreds of years…”
Not many diseases were found in equstria anymore should be are

[a human]

2462663
That sentence is supposed to be narration, not Twilight's dialogue, so I think it's correct to use past tense there.

Feel free to point out any other typos you find, though.

[Shrek the Ogre]

2463212 Is the lack of logic count as a typo?

[a human]

2465439
Well, with that logic, the entire story is one giant typo, so no?

[vinyldash23]

No, the secret ingredient is Rainbow Dash. Who is blue cotton candy.