Obama Goes to Equestria

by a human

☆Twilight☆

"Twilight?"

No answer.

"Twilight!?"

Still nothing.

"Twilight! There's someone at the door!" Spike screamed.

He turned around. The room was in shambles, books everywhere. Twilight was completely absorbed in reading, quickly checking a book, tossing it aside, and then grabbing a new one.

Obama continued to frantically knock on the door.

There was only one way to get Twilight's attention when she was like this. Spike sat down at Twilight's desk, pulled out a quill pen, and started writing a letter.

Dear Princess Celestia,

Please send Twilight a letter telling her to answer the door.

Your faithful servant,
Spike

He snorted the letter and waited. A couple of minutes later, Celestia sent her response. Spike walked over and handed the letter to Twilight.

"I thought I told you not to bother me," she said, irritated.

"It's…" Spike cleared his throat. "It's a letter from the princess."

Twilight snatched it up. "Dear Twilight, Please answer your door. Yours truly, Celestia," she read. "Guess I better check the door!"

Worked every time.

Twilight answered the door. A tired, ragged looking Obama greeted her. He sprinted inside, slammed the front door shut, and braced his body against it.

"What?" Twilight asked. "What is it? What's going on?"

Obama wheezed. "It's Rarity… she…"

Twilight rolled her eyes. "Oh geez. Did she rape you?"

Obama whimpered.

"Well, welcome to Ponyville. She does that everyone here, even the mares," Twilight said, patting him on the shoulder. "You didn't enjoy it, so you can at least keep some of your dignity, right?"

Obama glared. "Not helping."

"I mean, she says she's straight, but I don't think anyone really…"

"Yes, yes, not helping."

There was an awkward silence.

Twilight started walking towards the books. "You know… I've been thinking about what you said."

"What did I say?" Obama said, exasperated. "I say a lot of things. I think PolitiFact keeps a list or something. What was this about?"

"About Celestia forcing her rule on us."

"Oh." Obama paused. "Right, that."

"It made me wonder. How did Celestia get to be in charge? So I checked the history books. Guess what? Nothing. Nothing at all."

"Nothing?"

"Same as the 'ran out of stallions' thing. All they say is that she took power and 'made everything better.' "

Obama's interest was piqued. "Better than what?"

"That's the thing," Twilight said, excited. "That isn't in any of the history books either. They all start when she takes power, and anything about what it was like before just says it was 'really bad.' "

Obama put his hand on his chin. "So that means…"

"She forcibly took control and rewrote history!" they both said simultaneously.

Then Twilight realized what she just said. "Okay, this is insane. We need help."

Obama was more gung ho. "No! We don't! We're the only sane ones here! We're the only ones that can change the world!"

"Obama?"

"We will tear down this world and remake it! Remake it in the image of freedom!"

"Obama? Stop."

Obama glared. "Why not? We need to talk about these things. We need to talk about important issues."

"I don't think you're in the best state of mind for that."

Obama put his hands on his hips. "Oh really? Why's that?"

Twilight pantomimed holding a whip.

Obama screamed and hid in a corner.

"Yeah," Twilight said, "you need help."

"But this is important!" Obama said, still shaking. "When else are we going to get a chance to talk alone?"

Spike coughed.

"You're in no condition to talk about ancient conspiracies!" Twilight said, ignoring Spike. "And don't worry. We'll get tons of chances to talk alone. Nothing can stand in the way of true love!"

"Yeah, you're riwhaaaat did you just say?"

Twilight froze. "Oh, nothing!"

"No, you just said something."

"No I didn't!"

"Something about 'true love.' "

Twilight started dragging Obama outside. "Oh come on! What could an egghead like me know about true love? Let's get you to a counselor!"

"No, I'm not dropping this! Not after what I just went through!"

"Time to teleport!"

"No, w

a

a

a

a

a

a

i

t—"

*thunk*

After funneling through a hole in space time, suddenly the two were in front of Applejack's barn.

"We're here!" Twilight said, the teleportation done.

"I—I think I saw the edge of the universe…" Obama panted, his molecules jumping around everywhere. "And I think I saw Pinkie Pie waving at us…"

"Well, time for you to see that counselor of yours! Here you go!" Twilight said. She shoved Obama into the barn and locked the door behind him. "Good luck with that!"

Obama started banging on the door. "I'm not dropping this!"

"I bet you aren't!" Twilight said, then started walking away. She stopped to think.

"Maybe I do need help…"

– – – –

The inside of the barn was pitch black. Obama felt around. On the ground, there was hay. In front of him, he felt something thick… and cardboardy…

The lights turned on, revealing it to be a life-sized Twilight cardboard cutout.

"GAAAHH!"

"Heya there, Obama," Applejack said, entering the barn. "What are you doing here?"

"Twilight *mumble mumble* something *mumble mumble* counseling…"

"Oh," Applejack said. "Oh. Oh! Oh. Oh god. That was you? This is for you?"

"Yes, I think so…"

Applejack put a hoof on his shoulder. "I'm so sorry."

"Sorry? Sorry for what?"

"Rarity doing that to you."

Obama backed away. "How did you know about that?"

"This happens so often Twilight set up a signal to let me know when someone needs help. It's sort of like… like… the bat-signal in your world."

"You do realize that isn't actually a real thing in our world."

"What? It is? Well, whatever. It still works."

Silence.

"Want to sit down?" Applejack asked.

"Yes, please."

Part of the wall opened up and a couch and flimsy office chair slid out. Applejack jumped on the couch, and made Obama sit in the flimsy office chair.

"So, as your counselor," Applejack said. "Tell me your concerns."

"Aren't you a farmer?"

"What?"

"How did you become a counselor?"

"What? A farmer can't be a counselor?"

"Well, it's just not what someone would expect a farmer…"

"Me being a farmer has nothing to do with this."

"How am I supposed to know you're a good counselor?"

"Twilight trusts me."

"That doesn't really help."

"Are you insulting one of my friends?"

"I've been here for barely 24 hours and one of them raped me."

"Rarity's different."

"How?"

"No one actually wants to be friends with her."

"Now how am I supposed to think you're good counselor when you're insulting your friends like that?"

"Well, she just assaulted you, right?"

"Yes."

"Doesn't it make you feel better that I'm insulting her?"

"Not really."

"Why?"

"If no one likes her, why is she still here?"

"I… I don't really know. She sews?"

"And if no one likes her, why hasn't she been charged with sexual assault or something?"

"Oh, that's easy."

"Okay. Tell me."

"Because compared to Lyra and Rainbow Dash, she's nothing."

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?"

"What?"

"Rarity just assaulted me, and you're telling me there's worse ponies around here!?"

"Oh, don't worry, they're not interested in humans."

"Lyra is!"

"Oh. Right."

"And aren't you friends with Rainbow Dash, too?"

"Oh, did I mention Rainbow Dash? I didn't mean that Rainbow Dash. I meant, er, that is…"

"Well, it's too late to take it back now."

"Rainbow Dash? She's cool. Great kisser. Great kisser…"

"That's not what you were saying a couple seconds ago."

"Just because someone is always in court doesn't mean they're a sex offender, right?"

"It's… not a good thing, regardless."

"She's mostly in there for traffic fines."

"For what? There's no cars here."

"For flying. Since she's a pegasus."

"Okay, now there's no traffic. I've never seen more than 10 pegasi in the sky around here."

"Oh."

"How is she getting traffic fines?"

"I don't know."

"So your friend is an idiot."

"Seems so."

"You're such a loyal friend."

"Well, I'm the element of honesty, not loyalty."

"Okay then."

They glared at each other.

"Now what?" Applejack said.

"I don't know," Obama said. "You're the counselor."

"Arguing usually gets the job done."

More glaring.

"Ask how I feel," Obama said.

"What? Why?"

"It's what counselors where I came from do. It's bound to work better than arguing."

"Okay, fine. How do you feel?"

Obama sighed. "Humiliated. Dirty. I mean, I have a wife back home. How am I going to explain this to her?"

"Well that's easy. There's no way back home for you."

Obama blinked. "You really are a horrible counselor."

"Well, you're a horrible patient."

Obama put his hand on his face. "At least I have my position as community organizer to look forward to. Getting back into local government will make me feel useful."

– – – –

"Oh, I don't know what it's like in your world," Mayor Mare said. "But around here the community organizer is kind of like an errand boy."

Obama stared. "What?"

"Well, you can't always start at the top, can you? Now go get me some coffee."

Comments

[Shrek the Ogre]

[a human]

2249308
this has, like, made my day

[Shrek the Ogre]

2252001 Sorry about that. Hear you go:

derpicdn.net/media/W1siZiIsIjIwMTMvMDMvMTEvMjNfNTRfMDNfODdfZmlsZSJdXQ/268572__UNOPT__safe_twilight-sparkle_comic_crying_king-sombra_artist-havikm66.png

[a human]

2252431
…should have just stuck with the video. Image is broken.

[Shrek the Ogre]

2255826 How so?

[chaotic serenity]

2256061 The image doesn't show up, and if you go to the link, the image no longer exists.

[vinyldash23]

what in the ever-loving hell am I reading?