Obama Goes to Equestria

by a human

Invasion!!!1!

Celestia and Luna sat in the throne room, casually drinking tea. Celestia didn't particularly like the drink, but it made her look more evil, and that was the important part.

"Would you be a dear and pass the sugar?" Celestia said.

Luna obliged.

They took a sip.

"How are Twilight and her friends doing?" Luna said.

"Fine," Celestia said.

They took another sip.

"That's nice," Celestia said.

She took a cracker out of a bag, placed some cheese on top, and took a bite.

They took another sip of tea. Calmly. Synchronized.

A low hum filled the air.

"Do you hear that?" Celestia said.

"No."

"Okay."

It grew a bit louder.

"You must hear that."

"It's probably nothing."

Louder.

"Now?"

"Now that you mention it…"

The tea began shaking.

"Well," Celestia said, standing up. "That can't be good."

Luna looked outside the window.

"Oh sh—!"

All the windows broke simultaneously. The smell of burning rubber filled the air. Sparks, bricks, and shards of glass flew everywhere as Applejack's bright pink monster truck careened through one of the intricately designed stained windows. The rest of the mane six were hanging on the outside, and Obama, of course, was in the passenger seat, backseat driving.

"You need to land on the ground," he said.

"You think I don't know that!?" Applejack yelled.

"BOMBS AWAY!" Twilight screamed.

Applejack armed her bazooka and fired. Since it was Applejack it, of course, did not send out normal projectiles but exploding swords. Celestia stood in utter shock as Luna tackled her out of the way. A loud explosion rocked behind them, and a huge crater was all that remained of the throne.

With a deep breath, Celestia regained her composure.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, MOTHERFUCKERS!?" she screamed, and in character, too, since she had a headache. Her and Luna quickly sent some royal laser beams flying at the truck.

"Quick!" Twilight commanded. "Grab Scootaloo!"

"On it!" Rainbow Dash said. She grabbed Scootaloo from the trunk and used her to intercept all the laser beams.

Celestia looked amazed. "Why have I never thought of that?"

Luna looked at her like she was insane. Then Obama shot her. Celestia, I mean.

"Sister!" Luna cried, embracing her sister as if she were dead. Needless to say, she wasn't.

"You forgot to double tap," Celestia wheezed.

Obama shot her again.

Celestia got up. "I didn't say it would work," she said, grinning.

"Temporary retreat!" Twilight yelled.

The gang temporarily regrouped behind a column.

"Okay, so here's the plan," Twilight said while they huddled. "We go and—"

Rainbow Dash had a much simpler idea. "Hey! Celestia! Can you believe Butterfly betrayed you like this?"

Celestia looked confused. "Butterfly? Betrayed me? Who's Butterfly?"

"Hey, did you hear that, Fluttershy? She just called you Butterfly!"

Fluttershy threw a knife into Celestia's head.

Twilight gaped, then decided to just roll with it. "You know what, my plan never would've worked anyways," she said. "Push her out a window!"

The seven of them worked together and threw her out of one of the stained glass windows. It was harder than they expected, probably because she ate so much cake specifically for this reason. In this case, however, it backfired horribly, and Celestia landed outside with a gruesome crunch, further embedding the knife into her brain.

"Oh, oh yeah," Celestia said, "that hurts. Well, what else have you got? Yeah! Bring it on!"

Fluttershy popped the trunk of the monster truck and produced a knife set.

"Oh, that's just not fair."

Long story short, she ended up getting stabbed 46 times and thrown off a couple more ledges. The subsequent pushes were a bit easier with all the blood loss and all.

"You all SUCK!" she screamed. "You're all fags and you SUCK!"

"Good grief, she's still not dead?" Applejack said.

"This should take care of that," Twilight said, getting out a plastic bag full of white powder.

"What's that?"

"Anthrax."

"Where did you get a thing like that!?"

"Where do you think?"

She poured it on top of Celestia.

"You know," Celestia said before writhing in pain, "I was only trying to give you an immunity to the stuff."

"Yes, and it worked," Twilight said. "But then you kept sending it to me, and it was either this or convincing Trixie it was cocaine."

Celestia, after a couple more insults, eventually stopped moving. Just to make sure, they made Luna shoot her with some royal laser beams and set the corpse on fire.

Twilight looked upon the decomposing, burning, knife filled corpse.

"It's finally over," she said, the wind ruffling her hair. "We're finally free."

"You think so?"

Twilight turned around, only to come face-to-face to Celestia. "Hi," she whispered.

"RUN!" Twilight yelled, and they split up.

"Oh, I haven't had this much fun in ages," Celestia said, licking her lips. She caught Twilight's scent and ran after.

Luna decided if Celestia survived that, she clearly didn't need any help, and went back to playing video games.

– – – –

Due to lack of foresight on everyone else's part, Twilight and Rainbow Dash ended up running from Celestia together.

"You're holding me back, egghead!" Rainbow Dash yelled.

"Sorry!" Twilight yelled back. "I'm a student, not an athlete!"

"Well then why haven't you calculated a way to kill Celestia yet, smart one!?"

"I have! We just used most of them!" Twilight snapped. "I didn't mention how hopeless this was because I thought it was obvious!"

"That's right, it's hopeless," Celestia said, poking her head, then the rest of her body out of a flowerpot. "And so far this is a fairly typical attempt on my life. I'm disappointed, Twilight Sparkle. I would've expected better."

Twilight smirked. "Or is it?"

Celestia looked confused. "What?"

"Maybe it isn't a typical attempt in your life. If we were actually hurting you, wouldn't the best thing for you be to make us think we're losing?"

"……………," Celestia said, thinking about that for a bit. "No."

"Of course you would say that."

"Twilight, just… lose with some dignity."

"Don't talk to my friend like that!" Rainbow Dash yelled.

"And what are you going to do about it?" Celestia said, shifting her attention. "You've seen what I can survive. Who knows what I'm capable of?"

"I know… I know you aren't capable of killing your best sources of amusement," Rainbow Dash said, trying to sound tough.

Celestia smiled. "Amusement? I've got better uses for you then amusement."

"What's that?"

Sources smiled wider. "Alicorns are omnivores."

"Are what?"

"They can eat meat," Twilight said. "Apparently."

Rainbow Dash looked at her in disbelief. "No. You cannot be serious."

Celestia opened her mouth wide to reveal some nasty bloody incisors. It was actually ketchup, not blood, but Twilight and Rainbow Dash didn't know that, and honestly, the teeth were enough of a problem.

"Actually, it explains a lot RUN!" Twilight yelled, and they ran.

"So Princess Celestia's been eating ponies!?" Rainbow Dash yelled.

"I always wondered why no one came back from magic kindergarten," Twilight replied.

"How can no one know about this!?"

"She also eats the witnesses!? How am I supposed to know!?"

"Well, what do we do!? I don't want to be Celestia's latest dessert!"

"I've got one spell left!"

"One spell!? You, one of Equestria's brightest minds, only have one spell left!?"

"One useful spell for being chased by a hungry cannibal immortal pony princess, yes!"

"Fair point. Well! Use it!"

Twilight whipped around only to see an empty hallway.

Rainbow Dash scratched her head. "Where is she?"

"After someone else! She must've wanted us split up so we couldn't help each other!" Twilight said. "And now, of course, we're obligated to help! Damn you friendship!"

And they ran off in some utterly random direction hoping to bump into somebody.

– – – –

"Hey there, sweet cakes," Rarity purred. "You two doing anything tonight? You know, we could use one of the royal suites… or one of the normal suites, since everything is a royal suite in a castle… and, you know…" she did creepy things with her eyebrows, "…do stuff…"

The guards stood motionless.

Of course Rarity was hitting on the gayest stallions in the Royal Guard. She was, however, being annoying enough that they didn't notice any of the commotion in the background, so mission accomplished, basically.

Behind the guards, Twilight and Rainbow Dash ran past.

"There's Rarity," Rainbow Dash said. "You think she needs help?"

"No."

They kept running.

Rarity decided to go hit on some batponies, even though they'd probably be asleep. No, because they'd be asleep, she told herself. All the less energy to resist her with.

– – – –

Fluttershy wandered around the castle, resigned to the fact that this was all completely hopeless. She heard a light scraping sound behind her.

Fluttershy told Celestia to bug someone else.

She did.

– – – –

Somehow, Applejack and Pinkie Pie had managed to run in a circle back to the throne room.

"What in tarnation!?" Applejack said, looking around. "Weren't we just in the basement!?"

"Yep."

"And didn't we just run into a keg to hide?"

"Yep."

"Then how did we get here!?"

"Discord designed this castle."

"Oh, that explains it."

"Wait, I didn't say that!"

"Yeah you did!"

"No I didn't!"

"Then who—?"

Celestia slinked out from behind a column.

Pinkie Pie panicked, while Applejack smacked her hooves together. "Yeah! Bring it!"

Celestia showed her teeth.

"You can't fool me with that," Applejack said. "That's ketchup."

"Yes," Celestia said, "but the teeth are real."

"That doesn't scare me!" Applejack said, then turned to Pinkie Pie. "Yes, it does."

Pinkie Pie was still panicking.

"Don't worry, Applejack," Celestia said. "I have plenty of other ways to deal with you. Like, for example, this!"

Nothing happened.

"Okay, let's try that again," Celestia said. "This!"

Still nothing.

"Okay, what's going on? Why is my magic not working?"

"Because of that," Twilight said, pointing outside a window while Rainbow Dash pointed around everywhere trying to figure out how they got there and since when Obama was right behind them.

Outside was a massive half completed black monolith. It continually absorbed particles from every surface nearby and grew taller with each passing second. A huge crowd gathered around it, worried, because the sky was becoming more distorted the taller it got.

"What," Celestia said, "is that?"

Twilight looked fierce. "The machine."

Celestia turned to Twilight. "What horrible thing are you doing in the name of science this time?"

"Manually rotating the sky. It's absorbing residual magic from the air to build itself. Obviously, that's a bit risky, and not practical for daily usage, but well worth the risk. It makes it impossible for anything to use magic while it's building."

Celestia was finally looking intrigued. "Interesting. But flawed," she said. "That means you can't use magic either, and I don't need magic to kill you all. I don't even need to lift a hoof. The Royal Guard should be here any second."

"That's where you're wrong." Twilight picked up one of the bricks scattered by Applejack's monster truck and threw it out the front door. It materialized behind Celestia. "I've had Discord seal this room off from the outside world. None of us can escape and no one can get in."

"Well, brilliant, you've locked yourself in a room with Equestria's strongest entity with no magic. What now?"

"What makes you think I can't use magic?"

"What?"

Twilight cast her live vivisection flamethrower spell. It was really disgusting.

"Dammit!" the now flaming dissected Celestia gurgled. "I knew I never should've published that spell!"

"Wait, she made that spell!?" Applejack said.

"Who else would it be!?" Twilight said.

Fluttershy nodded in approval.

"Would you stop that!?" Celestia yelled at Fluttershy. She turned to Twilight. "So what now? You know this can't kill me, just make me supremely uncomfortable."

"Of course not," Twilight said. "We just need you incapacitated."

"What? While you think of a better plan?"

"No, indefinitely," Twilight said. "We don't have to kill you to overthrow you. It's just the most humane way. If we have to separate you into tiny boxes and spread you across Equestria to do that, we will."

"We?" Celestia said. She looked at all of the elements and Obama as best as she could in her condition. "Would you all really go as far as turning me into princess fillet just to get rid of me?"

"Don't you try that on me after what you did to my family," Applejack seethed. "You pretended to be nice to us just to get more power. Of course I'm okay with this."

"About the same," Rainbow Dash said.

Fluttershy shrugged.

"You've done things beyond imagination to this country," Twilight said. "I know I've only uncovered half of it. I've got to put an end to this."

"No one here knows what freedom feels like," Obama said. "You've controlled everything about this world for thousands of years. It's time for a change."

Celestia laughed. "So what now?" she said. "Use the Elements of Harmony on me?"

"No," Twilight said, "I've got one other idea I'd like to try first."

"And what's that?"

Twilight turned around. "Pinkie Pie, go in there and turn her heart off or something. If you could bring Derpy back to life this should be easy."

Pinkie Pie, Scootaloo, and Celestia twitched.

"What?" Celestia said.

Scootaloo looked at Pinkie Pie, panicked. "I didn't tell anyone, I swear," she mouthed.

Pinkie Pie looked gravely serious. She knew this day would come eventually.

"Are you sure?" she said.

Twilight looked confused. "Yes. Why? What's with this tension?"

There was a pause. Pinkie Pie got one last good look at everyone.

"Okay," she said, and took a step towards Celestia.

"No, no, no, no, no," Celestia said. "Stop, stop, anything but that, anything!"

Twilight whipped her head around. "What? This is it? Pinkie Pie? That's it?" she said.

Pinkie Pie stopped.

"Just do the box thing! You'll be safe like that!"

"Keep going!" Twilight yelled. "This is our only chance!"

Pinkie Pie slowly walked toward Celestia.

"No, I don't want to die. Not again," Celestia said. "But I don't know what this is going to do to me! I don't know! Make her stop! Please! Make her stop!"

"Do you really think we're going to give up now?" Twilight said. "Celestia, you've lived for thousands of years. Isn't it time?"

Then Celestia's face changed. "You're right," she said, then laughed. "Anything. Yes. That's fine. I'm fine."

"Wait, is she talking to someone?" Applejack said.

"She must be cracking up," Twilight replied. "But I'll scan for telepathic contact just in case." She squinted and used some magic. "Nothing."

Celestia was quiet now, but she still eyed Pinkie Pie in fear. Finally, the moment came. Pinkie Pie took a single step into Celestia's head. Celestia made a bloodcurdling scream that could be heard from miles away, and then, suddenly…

Silence.

Everyone looked around. The room was still. Celestia's body had stopped moving. The doorways of the room connected to the outside world again.

Celestia was dead.

Some of the Royal Guard finally managed to get in. "Surrender, in—" they began to say, but then they saw the state of the room.

"Your ruler is dead," Twilight said.

The guards instinctively bowed in front of her.

"I'm not replacing her."

One of the guards looked up. "Then who?"

"No one."

Comments

[TangoForce141]

Dammit I liked the crashing the moon thing on her but... Well there would be no canterlot after that, and nice pinkie pie death

[TangoForce141]

Oh and have Obama replace her he's the only one with great experience of leading free things

[chaotic serenity]

3029846 Well...he has experience. "Great" is debatable.

[TangoForce141]

3033102 i was making a point

[Xx-Sniper_Masters-xX]

I don't always explode but when i do it means the fic is very awesome. Keep going my friend

[a human]

3033102
Oh, don't you start now.

[The Commandant]

Personally, I don't think Obama is doing so good back in the USA. Opinions. Get over it.

[vinyldash23]

are the guards really that dumb?

[RDDash]

The Americans are slaves to the bankers and the corporate. Freedom my ass.