Darkness has attempted to run and even fight back against the light for an eternity, and one of its many tools is the ability to make a copy of a world (with restrictions however). Nigtmares are creatures that once were a part of the darkness, but betrayed the darkness to work for the light. Nightmares have long used the fears of mortals to track down darkness that plagues them, hence their name. Dusk is amongst the great in the nightmares and has been sent to purge a copy of the wolrd the ponies exist. Due to thier lack of a true physical form, nightmares require "vessels", or a living creature that will allow them to inhabit their body. Dusk and his vessel, Kindrell, come into this plagued world, and work to free it.
Chapters (2)
-Title doesn't really make sense. Betwixt is synonymous with between. 'Between in Darkness'? 'Betwixt Dark and Light' or something would make more sense, but honestly sounds like you tried to pick an uncommon word as a draw.
-Most of your synopsis would be better explained as a prologue/intro
-It was another normal day in Ponyville. Nothing in particularly exciting was happening
Not the sort of beginning that draws in a reader. It might as well be "it was a dark and stormy night" or "it was a sunny day in Ponyville".
-Cupcakes follow-up. You're gonna draw ire simply for that
-“Oh my goodness, there you are Mr,” said Pinkie Pie with loudly, “come with me, I have a surprise for you” she said, trying to contain her excitement. “Umm, ok? Why?” the pony asked. “Why? For your welcoming party, silly.” Pinkie Pie said emphatically. “Alright…” the pony said as he began to follow the bouncing pink pony.
Split your speakers into new paragraphs, generally:
“Oh my goodness, there you are, mister!” said Pinkie Pie loudly. “Come with me, I have a surprise for you,” she said, trying to contain her excitement.
“Umm, ok. Why?” the pony asked.
“Why? For your welcoming party, silly.” Pinkie Pie said emphatically.
“Alright… ” the pony said as he began to follow the bouncing pink pony. <--- the pony followed the pony. How about the pony followed Pinkie/Her
This is pertinent throughout the whole story, because it's creating huge text walls. I got about four paragraphs in before giving up.
- 2
Type this out, don't leave numerals in.
-flower
flour
2024884 I've had some problems with this indeed. It would be nice if someone explained how the italics worked exactly. Some mistakes i did fix and must forgot to save. Thanks for the input. And in a sense, the story is "betwwen darkness". Nightmares still use darkness as their weapon, so the world is plunged between 2 forms of said darkness: the side working for the light, and the side that resists the light. I suppose getting rid of the "in" wouldnt hurt though.
I'm workin on those edits for ya. Awesome as far as I've gotten though! Still editing...
Thanks to all of you who read my story. The slow income of views is a good drive to keep writing. Now I just need to get more time on the computer.....
you repeated a few paragraphs mate
2110273 Oh sorry, lemme fix that. Eddited a few paragraphs before uploading the final parts.