Epilogue
Epilogue
Lighting stayed in Ponyville until father was killed in battle about ten years later. Lightning took the throne and married Sweetie Belle. He looked everywhere for The Colt but never found him. He became a Warlord and Protector of the Sky. He also gained the title of “Greatest Swords Pony”. He built a new HQ for the Cutie Mark Crusaders and made more branches in different cities. Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon tried to bribe him into giving them their own mansion but they got arrested for bribing a king. In the end Lighting and his brothers claimed different sections of Equestria’s sky to make there be three kings instead of one.
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Well when you put it that way....
*reads first chapter*
Ha....hahahaha! Hahaha haha-*jumps out window*
Okay, so the character, Lightning Crack is a bit Gary Stu-ish being an alicorn and all. Is Lightning Crack your OC? If he is, then you should change the character tag from other to OC. Wall of text and some punctuation errors I see. Dialogue is hard to understand since you don't separate the paragraphs when there is a new speaker. Plot is a bit overused. Since it is your first story, I understand you.
All in all my score for you is 6/10.
1982316 thanks! i thought i separated them but i guess not... ill edit that and i its my oc... i was unsure what to label it...
>other tag instead of OC tag
>"my first fanfic so no hating"
>alicorn OC
>becoming royal/king
pinkie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw5333-DOWANT.jpg
This is gonna suck...
Just finished editing it. changed some minor issues with capitalization and conversation separating... oh!
1982388 whatevs! i wrote this by hand with my spare time and i decided to type it cause i wanted my own OC. sooooo... yeah... and when i typed it, i sugar coated it with a little bit more stuff than the original...
1982419 ok ill give you that... i may have undramatized some characters... or the whole story... i wrote this all at night... no time at school...
1982419 You, shut up, screaming at the Author does nothing....unless you're me.
1982469 You, there are a couple unspoken rules to fimf. And they go a little something like this:
1. Never post an OC backstory, there are certain exceptions to this rule, but at the moment, you're not one of them.
2. Never have an OC generator as a picture, no matter how much it makes sense. Just don't do it.
3. Never post your whole story all together. Space it out and release chapters either weekly or daily if you want to garner readers.
~~~
With that being said, you have a problem with pacing and storytelling. You seem to be doing a lot of talking and a lot less showing. If that makes no sense, then pay attention to what's ahead.
In the First chapter, you told us that Lightning Crack (who is an alicorn, never write a backstory about an alicorn, that's rule number 4) that was abducted by a master thief or bandit or whatever. Now, instead of blubbering it in the first chapter, you could have written it from his perspective, a confused young alicorn who has no sense of identity or paternity seeing as how he grew up without a caring mother or father. And from there, you could have progressed (chapter by chapter) into telling us how he was a part of the royal lineage of Cloudsdale (which reminds me, that deserves an AU tag seeing as how that's your headcannon)
Overall, next time, think before you write.
1982528 ok ill keep that in mind if i decide to continue
2001186 Haha... yeahhh...
Hear ye, hear ye, the tale of king Lightning's crack.
But really. Alicorn OC, something with royalty?
If you want an OC, that's fine. I encourage it. But please, no alicorns. The Sue is strong in those.
Also, change the cover art. One rule is that you never use a ponygenerator image in your cover.
If you type that, you know it's going to happen, that's how people work. If you don't want hate, take your time and make sure the story's good, so they don't have a reason to hate.