Satire

{Comedy}{Satire}{Teen}

It was a sunny day in Ponyville. All was peaceful as the birds chirped and butterflies floated around. It was at this moment that you chose to fart loudly and scratch yourself. You rolled over in bed, and felt Twilight moving under the covers. It was too early to wake up. . .

Wait, Twilight? You screamed and sat straight up, looking into a mirror. You were an Alicorn! You, Marty Stu, the biggest brony in Tennessee, were an Alicorn!

You looked at your taught, muscular body and begin to drool. You had such large wings and legs and. . . your mane was bright red! It shined brilliantly against your black coat of hair.

You fired up your horn to test your magic, causing a nearby building to explode into flames.

"Honey," Twilight cooed. "It's too early to punish the town ponies, come back to bed. The King of Ponyville needs his sleep before a hard day of work."

"Yes," Fluttershy echoed. "Stare into my eyes and tell me how much you love me, Marty."

"Uh. . . How'd you know my name? I'm not supposed to be here, I'm a human!" You shouted.

"Really, darling, you've been reading too many novels set in the TD verse. Next you'll be shouting 'get me outta here, I'm not a brony!' " Rarity chided.

"Yeah, shut up and cuddle with me. I don't wake up until noon," Dash complained.

"Fine you win. I'm such a huge brony that I don't mind cuddling up with six of the top ten best ponies."

"Wait," Applejack interjected, "we ain't all your top six?"

"Well, top five through ten really. Cranky Doodle was always best pony. I love Lightning Dust, Twixie, Steven Magnet, Dash, and then the rest of you are five to ten. You can fight over my love later."

Pinkie and Fluttershy began to cry, while the other ponies curled up tighter around you and sobbed.

"Hey, it's okay. I saw every single episode and you guys are awesome, I'm just confused because I always wanted to wake up in Equestria, and now that I have, my dream has come true! I just don't know which one of you to enjoy first!"

"Well, we hav—"

Suddenly there was an explosion.

"Oh no!" You shouted. Outside, Discord was on a rampage! He was over a hundred feet tall and was stomping on all the buildings.

"Please," Dashie begged with puppy eyes. "Save us from the scary monster, daddy."

You looked down at Dashie and smile. "Don't worry, kid, I woke up in Equestria to chew bubble gum and kick flank. . . and I'm all outta bubble gum."

With a flash of your super-awesome Alicorn magic, you materialized outside. You grew to two hundred feet tall and looked down at Discord mockingly.

"Hey, Discord, eat any good books lately?" you bellowed. Your voice shattered lots of windows and stuff.

"Oh my, I just wanted to spread a little chaos! Look, I'm giving Pinkie lots of whipped cream with her chocolate milk, I'm reformed!" Discord pleaded. "Celestia gave me diplomatic immunity!"

"It just got revoked," you scolded.

You fired up your horn, absorbing sunlight for one turn. Discord used Leer, it misses!

A huge beam of sunlight fired from your horn, hitting Discord in the face. It's super effective! Discord has fainted!

Marty has gained 1337 experience points. Marty is now level 19! HP+5, ATK+5, DEF+5, SATK+3 SDEF+3 SPD+4.

You returned to normal size to see everypony in town cheering for you.

"WOW THAT WAS SO AWESOME!!!" Scootaloo said, using caps lock to prove that she is shouting instead of an appropriate dialogue tag.

"Thanks, Squirt. Hey Crusaders, who is best pony?" you asked.

"YOU!" they said at a reasonable volume, not too loud, not too soft.

"Darn tootin'" you replied. "Now, I've got a gift for you three."

You fired up your horn and their flanks begin to glow in your magic. On Applebloom's flank a totally rad sky-scraper appears, with lots of those iron beam thingys and a crane and stuff because she likes to build junk.

On Scootaloo's flank appeared a rocket-powered scooter flying through a burning hoop surrounded by sharks with laser beams.

On Sweetie's flank appears a tiny microphone. Nobody likes that whiny brat anyway, you thought to yourself.

"CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS . . . crap, now what are we 'sposed ta do?" Applebloom asked.

"That's simple," you replied. "Now that you have your tattoos, you have to spend the rest of your life doing exactly what they say.

"Applebloom, you have three weeks to build me a one-hundred story skyscraper, or I'm going to take Winona 'to the vet.' Spoiler: I mean I'm going to kill her.

"Scootaloo, you need to find some flaming hoops and sharks and jump through them until you're so good you can do it blind.

"And Sweetie, why don't you go to Manehatten or somewhere else suitably far away and sell your. . ." You looked at the tiny filly. "Voice, to make a living. It's the only positive trait I can see in you."

The fillies cheered and ran off to start their new lives.

"Hey Scootaloo!" you shouted.

"Yeah?" she replied.

"When you turn eighteen, you're free to join my harem."

"Thanks, Marty! You're really fly!"

You turned around and headed back to the library. It may only be your first day in Equestria, but you can already tell you're going to love it here.

A letter appeared in thin air as Spike belched loudly. He had onions for lunch, so it was unpleasant.

Dear Marty,

Chrysalis has returned! Luna is busy hiding under her bed again, and I'm not powerful enough to beat her! I mean, it's not like keeping the sun in an asynchronous orbit. Fighting off a single changeling is super hard! Please, come save me, and I promise that this time your princess won't be in another castle. She'll be right here, waiting to have lots of children with you.

Your Damsel in Distress and primary romantic interest,

Princess Celestia of Equestria.

"This is super serial, Spike! We must send her a letter at once!" You grabbed the fax machine and yanked on his tail. He spits out a piece of parchment and a quill for you.

"Hey Marty," Spike whined. "You know historically parchment is made from thin, dried animal hide? It's basically leather. You ever wonder where Celestia gets so much parchment? I mean, is she skinning cows alive or something?"

"Hey, Spike, shut up. Nopony in the fandom likes you."

Spike ran away crying, which kinda sucks because now you have to use your magic to send the letter.

Dearest Celestia,

Never fear, for you are the best and only princess in my heart. I shall depart at once to save you and win your love. You will join me in my harem in Ponyville, after I chain Chrysalis up in the dungeon. Oh, Celestia, what light through yonder window breaks? It is a rose which by any other name would no longer be a rose.

I'm coming, my love.

Marty Stu

You used your magic to send the letter to her, then you grabbed the elements of servitude—I mean harmony—and had them come with you to the train station. You departed for Canterlot at once.

"Hey wait," Pinkie says. "Why are we taking a train when you can teleport there at will? I could even use Pinkie space to get us there, see?" She unzips reality and you could see Canterlot on the other side.

"Silence! Make with the cupcakes and singing at once. I really like trains!"

Together, you and the six awesomest elements of harmony ever set off to save Canterlot. Well, really they're just going to cheer you on while you save it. But still, it's nice to have them along for the ride.

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Deynarth

Deynarth #1 · Jun 28th, 2013 · · ·

You truly delivered the worst HiE one could make , I'm impressed.
Now , If one did exactly the contrary , would he create the best HiE ever ? I wonder...