> Kaidan's Short Stories: Vol. 1 - Teen
>  by Kaidan
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

> 1. Mane 6 Swap Bodies :: E/Co
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


{comedy}{everyone}


Twilight rolled over in bed and immediately wished she hadn't. The sun was up now and her head ached from the party the night before. Her throat was dry and she made a mental checklist of why she would never drink again, starting with hangovers and working her way down the mental list. She was just glad Spike hadn't disturbed her while she slept, in fact he had probably brought some water and medicine to her nightstand. The one benefit of having an underage assistant was always having somepony to take care of you the next morning.

Not quite ready to move again, Twilight thought back to her birthday party with Pinkie Pie and her friends, who all promised to make it a night she would never forget. There had been rum cake, jello shots, tequila and liquors. If she never saw a bottle of tequila again in her life it would be too soon.

With a sigh, she took a deep breath and opened her eyes, squinting against the light. The room was a lot cleaner then usual, and Applejack had left her stetson on her nightstand. Plenty of sunlight was pouring through the window, when the thought occurred to Twilight that the window should be on the other side of the room. Sitting up and fighting back a wave of nausea, she saw that she was in Applejack's house. How had she gotten here? She hadn't... Twilight looked around hoping her and Applejack hadn't done anything silly while they were drunk. With Applejack no where in sight her sudden panic seemed quite silly to her. She decided to head downstairs and see if AJ had made them some breakfast.

Twilight rolled out of bed and stood up on the floor, and reached out with her magic to fix the bed. The sheets laid there and refused to move, staying in a scrunched up ball at the end of the bed. Twilight tried again, and again nothing happened. Maybe she had taken a bump to the head, she lifted a hoof to check her horn and several things dawned on her at once.

Her horn was gone, her leg was orange, and as she fell onto her rump in horror locks of blonde hair fell down into her eyes. She wasn't just in Applejack's house, she was Applejack! How could this happen? Was it something she ate? Maybe a mix up of some spells? Twilight's brain raced through dozens of scenarios but nothing explained this. She examined all 4 of her legs and her tail, her cutie mark and her hooves. She was definitely Applejack, she had to get back to the Library as soon as possible! Summoning up her magic she tried to teleport to the library, only to slap a hoof to her face when she remembered she was no longer a unicorn.

Twilight ran over to the door, colliding with it, and then grabbing the handle with her mouth and throwing the door open. She dashed across the hallway ignoring the aches of protest in her head, then carefully walked down the stairs. When she reached the bottom she saw Big Mac and Applebloom enjoying breakfast.

"Hey Applejack, ah never seen you wake up so late, y'all alright sis?" Applebloom hopped out of the chair and trotted over to her big sister. Twilight didn't know how to explain this to anypony so she smiled and bluffed "I'm fine Applebloom, I'm just going to head out and... buck some trees!"

Applebloom looked at her puzzled and asked "Why don't ya have your stetson? And what's with your funny accent?"

Twilight looked over to Big Mac for help but he had an impenetrable poker face. She then glanced back down at Applebloom and lied "I ... ah musta had too much ta drink last night sis, I'll go get my hat 'n get to work." Twilight trotted upstairs and grabbed the hat, then headed out to find the real Applejack before she burnt down her library and all the precious books in it.

Applebloom hopped back onto the stool next to Big Mac who said "You girls get weirder every day." Applebloom grinned back and said "Eeyup."


~*~


Applejack could hold her liquor, and the way she felt right now must be a testament to how drunk she'd been last night. The party always was worth a little headache, but this felt like something else entirely. As she lay in bed she almost felt like she was floating on a cloud, and she felt a little woozy as if there was still some alcohol in her system. She reached over for her stetson to block out the sunlight until she felt up to facing the day. Big Mac had seen her hungover before, he'd start the chores without her and then make a few jokes at her expense later.

Applejack's hoof reached for the stetson and swooshed through a cloud. She tried again, and again she hit nothing but air and some condensation. Opening her eyes she rolled to face the disobedient stetson, only to see a wall of clouds. There must be a terrible fog unless Rainbow had somehow carried her up to her house. And if she was in Rainbow's house then Twilight would have had to cast a cloud walking spell... no something wasn't right here.

Applejack rolled out of bed and stretched her wings, and it felt amazing. It was like those first steps off a train when your wings hadn't moved for hours, each muscle tensing and each feather separating, the wind blowing between them. Applejack took a moment to realize what was wrong with this picture. She glanced back to see a large blue wing on her right side and a rainbow colored tail. She glanced left and was met by another wing and some knotted hair on her mane.

Applejack walked over to a nearby mirror and her fears were confirmed. In the mirror stood Rainbow Dash, magenta blood shot eyes, cyan coat, disheveled prismatic mane, and cutie mark. She recalled a game of truth or dare last night, but Twilight wouldn't possibly use her magic for this! And if she was here, Rainbow Dash must be at Sweet Apple Acres! That prankster was probably doing horrible things to tease the Apple family.

 "Come here Big Mac, I just want to put Granny's girdle on you and tickle you a little!" Applejack shook the thought from her head. That no good prankster and Twilight were going to get an earful. The only problem was, Applejack had no idea how to fly and she walked over to the balcony. It looked hundreds of feet to the ground. Applejack went back inside and tried slapping her wings around against the air but to no avail. She tried angling them different ways until she could finally start to hover. It seemed like she had a bit of instinct left in the wings, she could almost feel when she was flapping against the wind properly.

Heading back over to the balcony she prepared to fly down and get to the bottom of this. As she stood and stared at the ground below she had only one thing to say: "GERONIMO!"


~*~


Fluttershy hadn't drank much at the party last night and still had a fairly clear recollection of it. There had been rum cake and all sorts of mixed drinks. Twilight was turning 21 and Pinkie Pie insisted on making it a night the introverted little librarian would never forget. There would be drinks, partying, cake, and reckless abandon! Fluttershy smiled, recalling what a happy drunk Twilight was. All her cares melted away and she began to talk about all the wonderful little secrets Shining Armor and Celestia had confided in her. Luckily none of them involved a Pinkie promise, or Twilight would have probably woken up as a cupcake.

Fluttershy yawned and stretched out her legs. Her bed always seemed a little more comfortable on warm sunny days like this. She even had one of the cats decide to come lay on the bed next to her. Fluttershy rolled over and spoke to the cat using her special talent "Hey there, good morning!" Fluttershy opened her eyes just in time to see Opalescence hiss and jump off the bed upset.

That was strange, she didn't remember bringing her back to her home. She looked around and noticed she was in Rarity's room. It all made sense now, the cottage was so far away that Rarity must have let Fluttershy sleep at the boutique. She was such a generous friend, Fluttershy would have to do something extra kind to repay her. The mare got out of bed to go check on Rarity, who was probably in the guest room. After passing by the mirror she saw Rarity, and turned around "Good morning Rarity!" Fluttershy whispered. 

Confused, Fluttershy looked around, she had seen Rarity in the mirror but she was no longer in the room. She walked back by the mirror and saw Rarity again.

"eep!" Fluttershy quietly shouted.

As she looked in the mirror it wasn't Fluttershy that looked back at her, it was Rarity. She remembered a few drunken spells last night, mostly parlor tricks and seeing who could levitate the most books while intoxicated. What ever happened she should hurry over to see Twilight and fix it. The first thing she wanted to do though, was try and levitate some of the brushes on Rarity's nightstand. She had always wondered what magic felt like.


~*~


Rarity had a horrible headache, a proper lady wouldn't have drank so much. A proper lady also wouldn't have had nearly as much fun at Twilight's birthday party. It isn't every day you get to throw a party for somepony turning 21, and it was tradition to get them as drunk as possible. It was a silly rite of passage, but Rarity was generous and agreed to partake of it with her best friends.

There was a loud thumping sound on wood that was aggravating her headache. "Come on wake up already! I want breakfast, and none of that salad stuff! COME ON!" the voice shouted.

"Ugh Sweetie Bell if you don't pipe down this instant I'll feed you a whole barrel of lettuce!" Rarity snapped at her.

The thumping stopped abruptly "Um... what? My name's Angel, are you feeling ok? I knew I should have gone with you to keep you from drinking too much." Angel sighed and grabbed a nearby glass of water he had prepared for just this occasion. He threw it on the sleeping pegasus eliciting a loud scream.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING! MY HAIR!" Rarity screamed. She opened up her eyes to find herself in Fluttershy's cottage with several confused animals now watching her.

"My, I've never heard you scream so loud Fluttershy. I bet Rainbow Dash would love it if you could cheer like that for her next time she is doing stunts!" Angel had seen many different sides of Fluttershy: Doormat, bully, babysitter of the god of chaos. To him this was just another day in the freaky world that was Fluttershy.

Rarity just sat there in stunned silence as several animals chattered to each other, she then interrupted them "Why are you all talking? Why can I understand you?" Rarity watched as every eye in the room locked onto her gaze.

"Angel I don't think that's Fluttershy" a beaver stated. "Quick grab the changeling!" a sparrow squeaked. "Go for the throat!" a mouse yelled as he lept into her hair. "Sweep the legs!" a platypus shouted.

"AAAAHHH!!!" Rarity flapped her wings hard, throwing every animal back with the covers. She found herself gripping a wooden beam near the ceiling, and upon taking a look around at the disaster below noticed long flowing pink hair. She followed it up to the yellow wings, and pink butterfly cutie mark. "I'm.... Fluttershy?"

"So, if your not Fluttershy what are you? Are you one of those aliens that Lyra always talks about? She says they are constantly possessing ponies and parading around town, pretending to be one of us..." Angel scratched his head trying to remember what those pesky aliens were called.

"No, I'm Rarity! I was at the party and-- TWILIGHT!!!" Rarity let go of the beam and fell back onto the bed, bouncing up and landing on the ground with a look of sheer determination and fury. Only her and Twilight could use magic, and she wouldn't dare let somepony else parade around in her body. No, this had to be Twilight's doing. It was either a prank or another one of her miscast spells. With all the alcohol she had pumped into that poor unicorn last night she believed it was the latter.

"Hop on Angel, we have a unicorn to find!" Rarity felt the bunny dig his paws into her mane, and she took off running down the stairs.

The sparrow looked over to the beaver "Hey, looks like we got free reign in the kitchen today! Mind using those paws to get us all some food?"


~*~


Rainbow Dash lay in bed having a dream about being captain of the Wonderbolts. She always had her best dreams when sleeping in, the sun never bothered her. The one thing that did bother her though was when she got into drinking contests with Applejack. Rainbow always knew when she had a drinking contest because she never loses. Never. That also meant that on many a morning, Dash had woken up with a hangover that hit her like 2 tons of bricks. As long as she never lost to AJ, the hangover was worth it.

Today was different though, either there had been no drinking contest (Ha! Unlikely) Or Dash had lost the contest. She barely felt hungover at all, and she didn't have a horrible taste in her mouth. In fact, she could taste some vanilla frosting, and not the cheap stuff. No this was the nice creamy frosting, she licked her teeth to savor the flavor and got a few sprinkles as a reward. As far as waking up hungover goes, this was awesome! She could even feel a surge of energy as she opened her groggy eyes and stretched.

Best hangover ever!

Dash rolled out of bed smiling and looked around at the orange walls. She must have crashed at somepony else's house since Dash never drank and flew. Looking around she knew there was only 1 pony she could have slept over with: Pinkie Pie. There were fresh cupcakes on the night stand, and a green little toothless alligator. Dash smiled and the alligator smiled back. 

All she needed to do now was her morning warm-up stretches and she could hover downstairs and find Pinkie Pie. One does not simply walk downstairs when your as awesome as me! Rainbow smirked as she thought. She tried to stretch out her wings and separate her feathers, but nothing happened. Her wings probably just fell asleep since she wasn't used to sleeping on earth pony beds.

Rainbow walked over to the mirror to see if her numb wings were moving at all. When she looked in the mirror her jaw fell down and she mumbled "Pinkie?" The pink party pony stood and stared into that mirror for what felt like hours. She had been around Ponyville enough to know that sometimes "Pinkie would be Pinkie" and there was no explaining it. This was a whole new level of Pinkie. This wasn't Pinkie sense; this was Pinkie magic!

Rainbow felt her tail start to twitch, and a second later Gummy landed on her mane and latched on. "Not now squirt" Rainbow muttered and try to shake him off. The doppelganger in front of her mirrored her perfectly. "I'm Pinkie Pie! MY WINGS!!!"

Rainbow panicked and hopped around the room madly, she had to get out of here! She had to get to her cloud house and get her wings back! Without thinking she had bucked the window open and jumped onto the roof. The breeze felt great in her mane as she stretched her wings.... that's right I don't have wings.

Rainbow bounced back inside only to have the door fly open as Mr. Cake barged in. "Pinkamena Diane Pie! What did we tell you about making this kind of racket when the babies are sleeping! You woke the whole house up!" Rainbow had never seen Mr. Cake angry. He always seemed so nice, especially to Pinkie. Rainbow looked back at the shattered window, the mirror that she had knocked over, and the cupcake smudged footprints in the freshly destroyed room. Oh, that's why he is mad

Rainbow could feel her mane and tail fall flat against her body, losing all their curl in one instant. "I'm sorry Mr. Cake, but there's been some horrible mistake, I'm Rainbow Dash!" Rainbow was on the verge of tears and wasn't quite sure why. She felt like a balloon that had deflated and landed behind a couch where nopony would get to see her anymore.

"No more games Pinkie--Please just clean up the room. You can make this up to us by foalsitting Pound and Pumpkin while we go grocery shopping." Mr Cake turned and walked downstairs.

Rainbow Dash stood up and felt her hair curling back up. If anypony could fix this it'd be Twilight Sparkle, or the Princess! If she got to the library quickly she could get everything back to normal.


~*~


Pinkie Pie rose bright and early, and reached for her emergency morning cupcakes. There was no easy way to get out of bed in the morning, except for cupcakes!

Pinkie's vision was blurry but clearing rapidly as she swiped her hooves around looking for the cupcakes. They were nowhere to be found, so she reached for the emergency morning cupcake backup stash behind her pillow. It wasn't there either, and Pinkie began to panic. She always had cupcakes nearby for everypony, and now they were all gone! She must have gotten the munchies and eaten them all at night.

Pinkie was very sad and wished she had a triple chocolate cupcake with sprinkles. She felt a strange tingling and a cupcake materialized in thin air. "WHOOPEEE!!!!!" Pinkie shouted and bounced on the bed, greedily eating the hovering cupcake. "Let's try that again!"


~*~


Spike was grilling some eggs and extra greasy hay fries. Twilight would be up soon, and if there was one thing Spike had learned from being around the ponies it was that wild parties led to wild hangovers. Spike was always the friendly sober dragon at the party, and for each time he had gotten to walk Rarity back to her boutique it was worth it. This had been the first party where Twilight was old enough to drink, and Applejack had given Spike some home remedies for a hangover. Apparently all you needed was lots of greasy food, a few glasses of water, and some "hair of the dog." Spike didn't have a dog so he had used a couple of Owlowicious' feathers instead.

Spike was setting everything onto plates for Twilight when he heard an awful racket upstairs. It sounded like something had fallen off the bed and started bouncing off the walls. He could hear the distinct popping of magic, and got concerned. He stepped out into the hallway and dropped the plate of hayfries and eggs to the ground.

Up on the 2nd floor of the library were hundreds of cupcakes, and in the middle of them Twilight was eating a giant pink cupcake like a starving timberwolf. Spike had seen it all now, but it didn't prepare him for what came next...


~*~


"Spike! I'm so glad you're up! I wished for a cupcake and I got one, so I wished for more and more and more! And then I wished they were even yummier! And bigger! And with more Sugar! Come try them Spike!" Pinkie wished that spike was up stairs with them, and this time had to concentrate hard and close her eyes. Spike materialized over the big cupcake and landed with a plop.

"Twilight what's gotten into you? Your acting like Pinkie Pie!" Spike looked at her in horror as she hugged him and shouted "I AM PINKIE PIE!"

"Oh I know your sad because these are all cupcakes and cupcakes don't have gems, except the one time we made you a sapphire cupcake, and your a dragon so you would rather have gemcakes! haha get it, gemcakes! Here you go!" Pinkie Pie wished for a 4 foot tall ruby, emerald, sapphire, turqoise, topaz, and diamond cupcake and it materialized in the middle of the library.

Spike's eyes went wide and a tear rolled down his cheek. "For me?" Spike glanced back to Twilight, barely holding back the manly tears. Twilight would never let him eat so much junk food in the morning. Maybe she was telling the truth, and if this was Pinkie Pie then that meant the real Twilight could be back any second. Without a second thought he dove down into the cupcake and ate as fast as he could.


~*~


Twilight was finally approaching the library and was very glad she had brought the stetson. It was very bright outside and it offered her shelter from the bright harsh world. She rounded the corner to the library and froze in absolute terror.

Pouring out of the upstairs balcony were cupcakes of every kind and size imaginable. Blaring over a stereo she didn't know she had was Pinkie's Favorite Jam. On the ground floor were more balloons then she had ever seen in her life, threatening to burst out of the windows at any moment.

Before she knew what was happening she was running full speed towards the library door, Pinkie had destroyed her library! She spun around on her forehooves, bringing up her back legs and bucking the door. With a resounding crash, the door splintered and flew across the library in pieces.

In the center of the library was a fat and happy purple dragon surrounded by crumbs and gems, groaning at what must be the mother of all stomach aches. Floating in the air was the party pony herself, slinging confetti in every direction.

"PINKIE!!!" Twilight shouted at her "STOP ABUSING MY MAGIC AT ONCE!!!.

Pinkie dropped to the ground "Oh hi Applejack! I was just having some cupcakes and thinking how awesome it is to be Twilight! Are you here because you're worried about Twilight? She's probably still at Sugar Cube Corner sleeping in."

Twilight advanced at her and took off the stetson "Pinkie, I AM TWILIGHT. I woke up in Applejack's body this morning and I demand to know what is going on!" If you could kill somepony with a stare, Pinkie would have fallen over dead right there. 

Pinkie frowned in the lavender mare's body, her hair seeming to become even flatter and straighter. "Oh I'm sorry Twilight, I was having so much fun after Rainbow Dash dared you to teleport us all home drunk last night. Spike said it was a bad idea but you said it would be ok. I thought you wanted us to trade bodies for some fun." Pinkie was poking her hoof in the ground and looked deep in thought.

"It's ok Pinkie, I shouldn't have drank so much... I shouldn't have tried magic. Now we just need to think of a way--" Twilight was interrupted as a pink bolt flew past her.


~*~


Rainbow Dash had to admit that Pinkie was fast, she could see now why it was so hard to outrun her. As Dash ran in the pink mare's body time almost seemed to slow down. She darted and weaved through empty vendor stalls, leapt over and ducked under obstacles. Dash couldn't stand the thought of not having wings, but with the natural speed and intuition of Pinkie Pie she might be able to break the sound barrier without wings.

Dash saw the target ahead: A large hollow tree with cupcakes, balloons, and blaring party music. She didn't even slow down as her stomach rumbled and demanded sugar. She flew through the open door and dove into the cupcakes, her mouth opening to comically large proportions as it greedily inhaled all the cupcakes.

From behind Dash heard the familiar voice of Twilight Sparkle "Hey those are my cupcakes!"

Dash turned around locking eyes with his prankster. "YOU! Twilight how could you switch me and Pinkie's bodies, I demand you switch us back at once! She probably fell out of my cloud house or something horrible and do you have any idea what it's like to not have wings!"

Applejack was the one to answer "Rainbow Dash I would if I could, but somehow Pinkie is me and I'm Applejack."

Rainbow Dash looked confused beyond measure, and then just face hoofed. "Ugh Twilight, I'm just going to eat some more cupcakes while you figure out all the egghead stuff." Rainbow turned around and had to admit, now that she was in Pinkie's body the cupcakes tasted at least 20% better.


~*~


Rarity had finally reached the library. She had started galloping, and soon began beating her wings in rhythm with the hooves. The next thing she knew she was flying low and fast, which was nice since Fluttershy didn't seem to exercise much and her legs were sore.

Rarity hovered around to the entrance of the house and landed at the front door. She looked inside to see Spike passed out in a pile of crumbs, Pinkie gorging herself on cupcakes, and Twilight and Applejack feeling each other's face with their hooves.

Rarity nearly rolled over on Angel as she hit the ground in a fit of laughter that not even Rainbow Dash could match. For a minute, she forgot all about their predicament.


~*~


Fluttershy continued to gallop towards the library. After she had tried to play with her unicorn powers in Rarity's shop things had gotten.... interesting.

At first, she couldn't seem to "feel" the hairbrush with her powers. She concentrated as hard as she could, and suddenly the brush flew across the room shattering the mirror. With an "eep!" Startled, Fluttershy leapt back into the wall causing another bolt of magic to fly out. It hit Rarity's wardrobe scattering clothes everywhere, and things only went downhill from there...

Fluttershy was mortified and couldn't imagine how she could be kind enough to repay Rarity for her boutique. By the time she had made it to the front door, hurricane Fluttershy had torn the boutique to shreds. Maybe if she got Twilight to give her body back, she could move in with Rainbow Dash until Rarity calmed down.

Finally in range of the library, Fluttershy could see Rarity in her body in a fit of severe laughter. She got to the door and cried out "Oh Angel, I'm so glad to see you!" Angel just gave her a confused look until it clicked with him. This mare he couldn't understand must be the real Fluttershy. Angel leapt onto Fluttershy's foreleg and hugged her leg as hard as he could.


~*~


"Oh thank Celestia it's the real Fluttershy!" Angel wept into her fur. "I'll never play another mean prank on her as long as I live Celestia, just get that lunatic Rarity out of her body!"


~*~


What had seemed like a good idea to Applejack at the time had quickly gone sideways. Confident in her ability to control Rainbow Dash's body, Applejack decided to fly to the library. After about 5 seconds she was falling with style, after 10 seconds she was in full on panic mode.

Each time she felt she wasn't beating her wings hard enough, she'd give them a down stroke with all her might. This would shoot her up 50 feet in the air, the end result was gaining altitude instead of losing it as she intended. Applejack had to hand it to her, Dash's body was athletic and powerful. After she had gained some more altitude she spotted the library, a faint colorful dot on the west side of Ponyville.

Deciding that gliding would go over a whole lot better then flapping, Applejack angled towards the library and started to glide. It was quite peaceful at first, the wind in her hair, the adrenaline, and the speed. Applejack was in heaven, until she realized just how fast she was going. The wind was tugging at her lips and eyelids, and she realized that she had never considered how to slow down.

The ground was coming up faster and faster and Applejack did the first thing she could think of, she started flapping and trying to gain altitude. She was going too fast though, and the air felt differently. She could feel a cone of air compressed around her as she neared the library, and she stretched her hooves as far in front of her as she could to break the fall. Celestia have mercy on me...


~*~


"Ok, so we have Twinkie, Dashiepie, Flutterarity, Raritshy, and me Twilijack... that just leaves Appledash unaccounted for..." Twilight looked around at everypony.

"Um... Twilight your just confusing us more, I think you made half those up anyway.... um I mean, if it's ok could you just call us by our real names?" Fluttershy-in-Rarity's body asked.

"UGH! Cesltia's sparkly mane this is giving me such a headache!" Twilight stomped a hoof on the ground, putting a large dent in it thanks to Applejack's strength.

Twilight was trying to think of a plan when she suddenly heard a loud boom incredibly close to the house. Not half a second latter, a rainbow blur flew threw a window and landed in the sea of balloon animals Pinkie had made using Twilight's body.

Despite Applejack crashing in her body, Rainbow Dash burst out in laughter.  She couldn't help but glance over at the 4th wall of the library and say "Can you guys believe that! I bet the poor author doesn't even know who anypony is anymore!" And resumed her hysterical laughing.

Twilight spoke up to everypony "Can I have everypony's attention please?" All the ponies looked over at her, some dazed, some hungover, and others just laughing at the madness.

"Ok, Pinkie Pie you seem to have a good grasp of my magic considering you've had exactly 4 hours in my body. What I want you to do, is use what ever bit of 'Pinkie' is still in you to use my magic and fix all this. Wish us to normal, tap your hooves together 3 times... just what ever! I'm counting on you to fix this!

Spike still lay passed out in his gem laden cupcake, but the other ponies gathered around Pinkie Pie as she lit up Twilight's horn.

"Ok everypony" Pinkie whispered as the magic radiated out from her horn. I wish everything was back to normal, and that the cupcakes get to stay. I wish everything was back...

Pinkie continued her chant as everypony looked at her, eyes large and full of hope. This had to work, and once it did nopony would let Twilight near alcohol again.


~*~


Lyra woke up and yawned. She hadn't remembered taking a nap, nor visiting the library. She sat up and saw the elements of harmony happily chatting with each other.

"Oh thank you Twilight!" Rainbow Dash said. "You don't know how happy I am to have my wings back!"

"Ah reckon' ah owe you thanks, but next time ya'll are drinking that much ain't nopony gonna get near ya Sugarcube." Applejack crossed the room and got her stetson.

Lyra wasn't sure what was going on, everypony seemed to be normal but they were talking like they all just had out of body experiences. She looked down to see why her stomach ached so badly. She saw green scales on her underbelly and purple flanks. With a panic she brought her hands up to examine them. "I HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS!" Lyra gleefully shouted; She had always wanted hands.

"Uh... Spike are you feeling ok? You've always had thumbs. Why don't you clean up this mess while I think up a punishment for gorging on so much dessert" Twilight ordered.

Lyra looked confused before remembering she was in Spike's body. She was so excited to have hands she decided to play it cool. The longer it took Twilight to figure out she was Lyra, the longer she would have to experiment with her new appendages.

"Sorry Twilight, I'll clean up right away." Lyra walked away with a large goofy grin on her face.

"At least this day can't get any worse" Twilight said to the others with a smile.


~*~


Celestia woke up after an exhausting night to find a letter from her prized pupil on her nightstand.

Dear Princess Celestia,

Tonight I learned all about alcohol and friendship and that when you put Rainbow Dash's hoof in warm water she pees all over the floor. I also learned that when Pinkie laughs that hard she throws up, and it tastes like cupcakes. Yeah, she vomited all over me but it was so awesome!

I also learned that Rarity always carries "emergency makeup". We drew some uh... 'colt parts' on her face and when she woke up it was a riot. We also got Fluttershy drunk and kept yelling "BOO!" at her and each time it was even funnier. Then we got Applejack and Rainbow Dash into a drinking contest, but we switched all of AJ's out with water! Pretty soon Dash was passed out cold on the floor and we took pictures of her all trussed up like a rodeo pig!

I think I threw up 3... how many times Spike? 5? WOW haha. But each time I throw up I can drink more alcohol so it's all good! We played spin the bottle, dress up, 21 gun salute, beer pong, and now we're going to play truth or dare. By the way did I ever tell you I love you? Like I just wish... we could be more then friends you know? Like me and Luna. Did I ever tell you I think Luna is prettier then you? Yes Spike, keep writing! 

'Cuz Luna's mane sparkles and has stars and stuff, and your just all boring and white. And Dash says you must dye your mane 'cuz she is best pony. LOL. Maybe if you were on the moon for a thousand years you'd learn to groom yourself better :-)

No Spike, send it! SPIKE! I SAID SENT IT!

Your drunkest student, Twilight Sparkle

P.S. I am so very sorry Princess Celestia, have mercy on me. -Spike

















> 2. Rainbow Dash Tries Science :: E/Co
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


{Random}{Comedy}{Science}


Perched upon a cumulus cloud, Dash waited patiently. Down below, her quarry was just finishing up her preparations. Soon, the mare and her assistant, would be headed to Canterlot to meet with Celestia. Once she left, Dash would make her move. Struggling to stay awake, Dash finally saw the last checklist get put away in her saddlebags. She set off towards Canterlot, and Dash had the whole laboratory underneath the library to herself.

Descending from the cloud slowly, Dash made her way to the window she had unlocked yesterday. She was about to fly through when she heard a familiar voice.

"Dash! Hey wanna see my new trick?" Scootaloo was buzzing her wings on a scooter down below.

Dash didn't want to be bothered, but she couldn't just turn away the filly. "Hey squirt, I've got something 20% cooler than some scooter tricks, come on!" Dash quickly scooped the filly up and flew through the window, closing it behind her.

"Uh Dash, why are we breaking into the library? The front door was unlocked." Dash sped down to the front door and locked the deadbolt, then turned a sign around to read "Closed" in the window. 

"I'm going to borrow Twilight's lab and make some spectra fireworks, it'll be like a sonic rainboom but cooler!"

"Wow that's so awesome, can I help? Can I?" Scootaloo was hopping around like a rabbit with hummingbird wings.

"Yeah you can be my. . ." Dash grinned mischievously. "Number one assistant."

The duo went downstairs and turned on the lights. There was a massive laboratory under the library that Dash had found out about from Pinkie. When Pinkie Pie told Dash about the "pinkie sense" machine and the underground lair, Dash thought it was another practical joke. Now, armed with a saddle bag full of spectra, Dash was going to make some fireworks for the coronation.

Heading down the hallway they found the room with all the complicated computers and wires. A little further down was a room filled with meticulously labeled bottles and beakers.

"Here we are squirt: One firework factory." Dash held the door open as they walked inside. "Here I think we're supposed to wear these." Dash put on some goggles and handed Scootaloo a pair. They were comically oversized on her, resting on her muzzle and reaching up to her ears.

"Wow, can I start playing with this stuff now?" Scootaloo picked up a beaker with 500ml of a clear fluid.

"Hey put that down! We don't know what they are yet." Dash examined the label on the beaker. "Dye--hydra--gen--man--ox--ide?"

"Cool! What's dihydrogen monoxide? Can I mix it with this purple stuff?"

"No Scootaloo, that stuff sounds deadly. Let's stick to my plan. I got a book from the prank shop on homemade fireworks for dummies, a book that tells me what all the sciency-stuff means, and a few jars of spectra. Now, stand back. I’m going to try science.”



Dash laid everything out on the table in the middle of the room and began reading. The first ingredient called for was charcoal. "Heh, that's an easy one. Charcoal is just some burnt up stuff from a barbeque." Dash walked along the shelves until she reached C. "Hmm, cadmium telluride, calcium carbonate, crocoite, and charcoal! Here, take this squirt. Squirt?"

Dash turned around to see Scootaloo playing with a metal cylinder that was sitting upright on the table. A rubber tube ran from the base of the cylinder to the underside of the table. Scootaloo had something in her hooves that resembled half a coat hanger, with a bell on the end. She was squeezing it together to see what it did. "Hey Dash I found this sparky thingy and some tube that smells like rotten eggs!"

"Maybe you shou--" Dash was interrupted by a massive fireball that startled Scootaloo, causing her to fall off the table.

"WOW! Let's do it again! Did you see that? It was all hissing and then sparking and BOOM!"

Dash was at her side in an instant. She appeared undamaged, though most of the orange peach fuzz covering her face was gone. "Careful squirt, Twilight always gets in trouble with this sciency stuff. Let's only touch the stuff I tell you too, or you have to leave."

"Awwww, alright Dash." Scootaloo pointed at the one foot flaming cylinder. "But how do we turn that off?"

Dash followed the rubber tube from the cylinder to the underside of the table and saw a lever. Pushing it to the left, the flame died out. "There, now as I was saying we got the Charcoal. Next we need... Pot--assium Night--rate. Potassium Nitrate! You got that squirt?"

"I'm on it Dash!" Scootaloo rushed over to the shelves labeled P. "Phos--pour--us, Pot--assium." Scootaloo glanced at Dash who was busy reading, and set that one aside. Looking to the next container she found what she was looking for. " Potassium nitrate! Got it!" Scootaloo carried the container over to Dash, who set it on the table. 

"Alright, now I just need some sulfur." Dash walked over to a shelf, and found sulfur easily. Meanwhile, Scootaloo grabbed the dihydrogen monoxide and the potassium from earlier and went to a small table in the corner.

"Just sit tight, squirt, while the book tells me how to mix them. Then I just take a tube, add wings, and instant firework!" Dash began mixing the ingredients together by eye, and ended up with half a dozen mixtures. Some of the ingredients were in larger chunks. The book said a mortar and pestle might be needed to grind up the mixture to a fine powder. Dash found one using the handy illustrations in the book.

Just then Dash heard something explode behind her. Turning to look at Scootaloo, she was hit by a wall of vapor. "Scootaloo!"

"Awww, but you wouldn't let me help with the powder."

"It's 'gunpowder', and what was that?"

"Oh, I mixed the potassium and dihydrogen monoxide and it exploded the stuff everywhere! It's kinda burny though."

Sure enough, Dash could feel bits of something burning her skin, and tried to wipe them off. Luckily, neither of them was covered in too much of the stuff. "Careful! That dihydrogen monoxide could have killed us. Ok, come up here and you can help me grind this stuff up with the mortar and the pestle thingy."

Scootaloo hopped up to the table with a quick fluttering of her wings. "I'm on it!" Scootaloo took the mortar full of gunpowder, and took the pestle up in her hooves. Dash went back to reading, and then realized she had just put a member of the Cutie Mark Crusaders in charge of mixing gunpowder. "WAIT!--"

Scootaloo swung the pestle down like a hammer on the powder. There was a loud flash and a lot of smoke. The next thing Scootaloo knew she was on the floor across the room, with a wicked headache, and a shocked grin on her face. The room had been drained of color, and Dash was standing over her in slow motion. Dash was speaking, but Scootaloo couldn't hear her over the ringing in her ears. Scootaloo stood up in slow motion, and looked to her flank for a cutie mark in being "awesome." The world began to come back into focus, color and sounds were returning to her. Sadly, there was no cutie mark on her flank.

"YOU COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED! You even burned off half your mane! Go upstairs and wash up, you're done here squirt."

"Aww Dash, but I'm fine and that was so awesome!" Scootaloo smiled, her teeth seeming pearly white compared to the black scorch marks surrounding her goggles.

"Look, I'll let you fire off one of the fireworks, you just need to leave the lab, ok?"

"Alright." Scootaloo walked out of the lab, putting on a show of looking dejected. Dash didn't fall for her act, and closed the door behind her. Slowly navigating the labyrinth that Twilight calls a lab, Scootaloo made it to the library bathroom. Looking in the mirror she saw what had made Dash so worried. Scootaloo removed her goggles. Everywhere, except around her eyes, black soot covered her skin. Her mane from forehead to behind the ears was gone, and the rest had singed ends. She could still hear some ringing in her ears, but decided it was worth it. If a little gunpowder was that amazing, then the fireworks would be radical.

After cleaning off her face she heard knocking at the door. Scootaloo went over and answered it, to see Sweetie Belle and Applebloom.

"Hey Scoots, we saw your scooter out--" Applebloom glanced at Scootaloo, glanced away, and immediately glanced back, locking onto her bald head. "Scootaloo! What happened!"

"Hey gals, well Dash was letting me help her make fireworks, but she was being kinda boring. So then I got her to let me mix the gunpowder!"

"YOU WERE MIXING GUNPOWDER!" Sweetie Belle's eyes flew wide open and her mouth hung agape. "Don't you know how dangerous that stuff is? The slightest spark or a hard impact could blow up half the laboratory!"

"I know, it was totally awesome! And then there was this pottyassium and diehydrigin manoxide that exploded, and this metal tube that shot fire out everywhere!"

"WHAT! Who on Equestria would let you and Dash into a chemistry lab unsupervised?" Sweetie Bell slapped a hoof to her forehead. "Ugh, doesn't anypony pay attention when Cheerilee teaches about chemistry?"

"Is that the boring stuff 'bout all the chemicals and symbols and stuff?" Applebloom and Scootaloo looked to Sweetie for an answer.

"YES! Ugh, if you want to get a cutie mark for chemistry you two are going to have to do exactly as I say. Now, let's go down to this 'lab' and I'll show you girls how it's done."

CUTIE MARK CRUSADER CHEMISTS. YAY!

The three fillies bumped hooves, and headed downstairs.





Dash wiped the sweat off her brow, and tried to steady her hands. She poured the last of the gunpowder into the crudely fashioned firework. She had been able to use some duck tape and plywood to form the wings on the sides of the metal cylinder. Then she had punched a hole through the bottom for a fuse. She poured the spectra in, and it began to bubble and seep into the gunpowder. Placing a funnel on top to act as a nose cone, she taped it in place. Then she headed upstairs to make good on her promise to let Scootaloo fire the first rocket. The long fuse would give Dash plenty of time to fly Scootaloo to a safe distance for the test launch.

"Scootaloo? Where are you?" Dash had arrived upstairs but couldn't find Scootaloo anywhere. Near the door was a pair of saddlebags. One of them looked like a fancy bag stitched by Rarity, the other had a single red apple on the clasp.

"Wait--Scootaloo--and those look like--" Rainbow Dash gulped. "Sweetie Belle and Applebloom's saddlebags!"

Dash's pupils dilated so wide her magenta irises nearly vanished completely. Dropping the rocket, she took to the air and flew back to the lab. She could feel her heart rate speed up, her lungs pulling in air faster and faster. "omigosh omigosh omigosh omigosh, they're in the lab!" The sound of her wings was drowned out, and she began to get tunnel vision.

Bursting through the door of the lab, she found it was empty. Breathing a sigh of relief, she felt her body relaxing back to normal. "Heh, those fillies nearly scared me half to death. Imagine the 3 of them loose in Twilight's lab."

Dash heard some laughing that she had missed in her panic to get to the lab. Three fillies were laughing, and their echoes carried down the hallways. Following the sound of the laughter, Dash returned to the room with all the computers and wires. The three fillies were standing in front of a glowing cylinder that was whirring softly.

"Girls, what's going on?" Dash flew over to their side.

"Sweetie here was trying to tell us what this is, it's some sort of power gene-- hmm." Scootaloo put a hoof to her chin.

"It's a fusion power generator, and it's what is powering the whole lab. I never thought I'd see something this sophisticated in Ponyville. In fact, the generator in Manehatten is only 2 years old. I wonder if Twilight built this herself."

"Yeah Dash, and look at all the buttons and levers!" Scootaloo pointed over to the console attached to the device, bumping a lever up.

"Careful Scootaloo!" Sweetie rushed over and put the lever back down. A red light began to flash, and a warning beep sounded. Sweetie, for all her book smarts, only knew what half the levers meant. Each time she would get one red light to vanish, another would appear. Each lever, and every button push, added to the growing cacophony of beeping.





"And that, Twilight, is what will happen after the Princess coronation." Celestia and Twilight stood on the balcony of the sun tower, looking out over the peaceful valley that contained Ponyville.

"Look, Twilight." Celestia waved a hoof over the valley. "Everything the light touches will be your kingdom."

"What about that shadowy place?"

Celestia opened her mouth to respond, when a bright flash blinded both mares. Shielding their eyes too late, they were dazed as something brighter than Celestia's sun began to fade. The mares felt the entire tower rumbling. Rubbing their eyes, they were then hit by a wave of air and knocked off their hooves. A deafening noise arrived with the wall of air, and the air warmed slightly.

Standing back up, a weaker wave of air began to rush in the opposite direction. Twilight and Celestia stared in utter disbelief. Down in the valley there was an enormous cloud shaped like a mushroom. The smoky cloud billowed up through the air, and the entire valley was lost in the dust storm kicked up. Everything that had once been the valley, from the rivers and trees, to the rolling hills and farmland, was gone. The Everfree forest was gone. All that used to make the valley beautiful, was flattened and turned to glass.

Celestia facehoofed. "Damn it Twilight! I told you to lock your lab before you left."
> 3. Fluttershy Answers The Door :: E/Sl
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


{Slice of Life}


Knock Knock Knock

I looked up from the table, wondering who might be at the door. Angel sat next to me, eating the salad I had just prepared. The immediate wave of familiar emotions hit me as I pondered the meaning of the unexpected visitor.

Slowly I approached the door, eying it suspiciously. The round golden knob sat perfectly still. I had cleaned it recently to keep the taste of brass to a minimum when I would use my mouth to open it. Above it sat the two deadbolts I used to ensure I was safe at night. There were all manner of scary creatures that came out at night to feed.

Knock Knock Knock

I jumped back and let out a soft squeak, hoping I hadn’t revealed myself to the guest. Beyond the two inches of oak door stood something unknown, and my time in the Everfree had taught me to fear the unknown.

There could be a manticore knocking on my door. It was their mating season and they had to eat as much as possible before hibernating. It had likely eaten all my critters from outside and wanted to come in for dessert. It would stab me with its barbed stinger, paralyzing me. I would cry and whimper for help as I had to watch it eat Angel. . .

Knock Knock Knock

Or it could be changelings. They could have come since I’m the weakest of the elements. I’ll open the door to find Twilight there, only it isn’t Twilight. It’ll be queen Chrysalis herself, and she’ll drain me of all my love and kindness, leaving a shallow husk.

Everypony will grow up telling their kids stories of how Fluttershy the coward let the changelings take over Equestria. 

Knock Knock Knock


I slowly approached the door and put my ear to it. I couldn’t hear any chittering or buzzing outside. There was no foul stench to the air, so that only left. . . dragons.

There was a dragon outside my door! It was the only other explanation. I slowly backed away, careful not to make a sound. When the dragons had migrated, they must have picked up my scent and smelled my fear. I bathed in skunk-oil to prevent such a thing from happening, and it took nearly a month and three new sets of tail extensions to get rid of the smell.

It was all for naught. Right now it was circling the cottage in its wings, preparing to burn it down and turn me into a tasty pony fricassee. It would gobble me up and pick its teeth clean with my bones. It’d use my feathers as fresh quills to tell all the other dragons how tasty ponies were, and they would come eat all my friends.

Knock Knock Knock


No. Nopony eats my friends. I looked deep inside to find my courage. It was there, beneath the kindness and compassion. It hadn’t failed me before when I really needed it. When I stood up to Nightmare Moon, when I had to joust with Rainbow Dash, or when they dragged me on top of a mountain to stare down a dragon.

That’s it, I’ll give it the stare. I’ll look deep into its eyes before it can eat me, exert my dominance for long enough to make him leave, and then I can go hide under my bed and read a romance novel until I stop shaking. It’s a foolproof plan.

Knock Knock Knock

Except it isn’t foolproof. First I have to open the door and let the dragon know I’m home. I found my belly grazing the floor, my ears flattened against my head. Slowly inching towards the door, I tried to peer under the narrow crack to see the feet of the scaly reptile.

Something landed on my back and began thumping it. I screamed in pure terror, the dragon had sent it’s parasprites in to eat my legs! Oh this is awful. I scrambled under the sofa, knocking it over. I continued to burrow my way under it until I was hidden in the mattresses.

A loud popping sound echoed through the room, dulled by the fabric and my frenzied breathing. If I stayed perfectly still, if I held my breath, it would think I had run away.

Angel! Oh no, I need to go back to save him. I began to crawl towards the end of the sofa to save my Angel bunny. My tail got caught on something, stopping me.

“Fluttershy?” a voice called out. With a soft snap, the sofa was turned into thousands of butterflies.

I slowly uncovered my eyes and pushed my mane out of the way. I breathed a huge sigh of relief, sending up a lair of dust from the floor.

“Discord! I’m so glad you could make it for tea. For a moment there, I thought there was a monster at my door.”



























> 4. WarPony 40k :: T/Ad/Gore
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


{Crossover Warhammer 40k} {Adventure} {Teen}{gore}



The Space Pony drop ship would be landing at the extraction site in 15 minutes. Twilight Sparkles had just received word that the God Empress Celestia would be arriving soon to carry out the exterminatus. She activated her comm and spoke to her squadron "Fall back to LZ Charlie; we're lifting off in 15!" Twilight stood up to her full height as her horn began to glow. The cultists of Luna, chaos god of passion, lust, and pride, had corrupted this planet. It was up to her now to regroup her squad and get the hell off this rock.


~*~


"Roger Sparkles" Rarity replied over the comm unit. She sighed at the thought of hoofing it down 40 flights of stairs to ground level and getting to the LZ in 15 minutes. Having never been one to get her hooves dirty she preferred a sniper rifle and light armor. Light was a relative term, when you’re a 12 foot tall genetically engineered pony breed for war by the geneseed of the God Empress. Rarity took one last look down her scope to make sure Applejack's position hadn't been overrun. 

Applejack was in the midst of several sarosian cultists. Vile bat-winged ponies who served the chaos god Luna, sarosians had limbs, eyes, and other taints of chaos festering over their leathery skin. One of them was sneaking up behind Applejack, baring fangs from his 2 heads and preparing to strike from behind. With a thought, Rarity was able to still her beating hearts and focus on making the shot count.


~*~


"Roger sugarcube, headin' back now" Applejack replied as her chainsword sliced up into the soft abdomen of the nearest sarosian. The foul creature bled acid as it died, splashing harmlessly off her thick armor. As the blade pulled free trailing flesh, she swung the bolter attached to her right forehoof around and fired 2 rounds into a nearby 8 legged cultist. She could suddenly sense something was wrong moments before the claws of a foul creature behind her hit her head, followed by a loud bang.

Turning around she sighed "Thanks Rarity but I reckon' that kill should still count as mine on account o' the exoskeleton."  Applejack knew her genetic enhancements would protect her from teeth and claws.

"Well if you WANT to take chances like that you won't last much longer down there. The God Empress' gift doesn't make you immortal" Rarity replied. 

"I reckon' your right, have you heard from Fluttershy?" Applejack inquired. "No I haven’t. Her last known location was 2 clicks south of me, I'll meet you there” Rarity stated.


~*~


"LZ in 15 over... Oh dear, this isn't good at all..." Fluttershy said. Before her stood a Draconequus, one of the daemons serving Discord, chaos god of change. The foul beast was 22 feet tall and had a lion's head, razor sharp antlers, and 2 red slits for eyes. Flames wept from its eyes and rained onto the ground below. His left arm was leathery with 6 sharp claws on the end, his right arm a serpent fit to crush even the largest space pony.

Fluttershy knew there was only one thing to do "PURGE THE UNCLEAN!" she screamed with a glint in her eye, before leaping out of the way of the serpent arm. She hoisted the prometheum flamer up towards the daemon and pulled the trigger. There was a hiss and a spark before a jet of consecrated prometheum leapt out of the dual barrels towards the lesser daemon.

The daemon wrapped its wings forward as it was consumed in the inferno, shielding its body with a dragon and eagle's wings. The eagle wing burnt to a crisp but the dragon wing held fast, and the daemon responded by swiping down its clawed talon with all his might. Fluttershy was barely able to block with her weapon before being crushed. She heard something snap and knew it was a fuel line on the flamethrower. She threw it down and charged the daemon with nothing left but her bolter and knife.


~*~


"Ha! I could be there in 3!" Dash replied to Sparkles. With a maniacal grin on her face she ignited her jump jets and pounced on the nearest sarosian, bringing her thunder hammer down with a loud crack. The sarosian crumbled; his ebony armor was no match for the holy relic. Dash was already leaping to the next sarosian when she realized she had made an error.

The next sarosian was one of the lieutenants, and he bore a shield and a power sword that had a black glow. It was as if light could not bear to be near the unholy artifact, creating a vortex of darkness around the blade deeper than any night. Dash brought the hammer down with all her might and shifted her body to the right. She had just enough time to calculate where the foul blade would strike her armor before it pierced through her like a knife through butter. Her thunder hammer bounced harmlessly off the shield and flew into the ground nearby.

Her momentum carried her away from the sarosian, but she could already feel her heart and 2 of her lungs shutting down. She would need to make it to the LZ and enter stasis if she was to have any hope of surviving longer than 15 minutes. She rolled over with her bolter already in her hand, emptying a clip of consecrated rounds into the sarosian's shield to no avail. She could smell the fuel from her jetpack as the sarosian lifted his sword. Dash lit the jets anyway as his blade swung down where her chest had been a moment earlier. She could feel the fuel igniting, further adding to the damage to her body, but she cleared the blade.

The sarosian was grinning as Rainbow uttered her last words "I shall know no fear. Fear denies faith. My faith is my shield. The Empress protects the faithful." The sarosian laughed, "The God Empress is dead little pony. Luna shall feast upon your soul in her harems!"


~*~


"Okie dokie lokie!" Pinkie Pie said into the comm. She looked down and said "I'm going to love and tolerate the heck out of you" before crushing the skull of the sarosian lieutenant beneath her. Armored in the chapter’s only suit of Terminator armor, Pinkie was the armored behemoth of the chapter. It was her job to spearhead assaults and the last thing between her and the LZ was a sarosian heavy tank. This was going to be too easy.

Pinkie Pie activated the transporter to clear the ridge in front of her, planting her hooves as she activated the chain gun attached to her armor. She was making progress with the armor piercing rounds on the tank's rear armor as the turret finally rotated around to her. She tried to activate the teleporter but the unit was only at 80% charge. With a grin, she covered her face and continued firing as hellfire poured out of the tank and over her terminator armor. She was rewarded by the sound of an explosion and shrapnel bouncing off her armor as her rounds finally found their mark.

Pinkie saw something blue jet by in the distance. She teleported closer to it and ran as best as she could in the terminator armor, which was not fast at all. She cleared the ridge with her weapon's barrel spinning to see a sarosian lieutenant standing over Rainbow Dash. "The God Empress is dead little pony. Luna shall feast upon your soul in her harems!" the sarosian laughed.

"FOR THE EMPRESS!" Pinkie roared as dozens of rounds spewed out of her weapon into the back of the sarosian. Pinkie only regretted she couldn't see the look on the foul creatures face as it was sent back to the warp. She walked over to help Rainbow Dash. 


~*~


Twilight had that feeling that shit was about to hit the fan. A wave of dread was spreading across the planet. The eyes of Luna were upon her; surely she would be here soon. Looking at her chronometer, there were 2 minutes left until lift off, giving them just over 2 and a half minutes before the exterminatus.

Twilight lifted her nemesis force weapon to absorb the eldritch witch's lightning. Her horn and halberd glowing, she retaliated against the servant of Luna with her own mental barrage. With each volley she closed the distance to her target. She had been trained to kill psykers and no amount of magical assault could penetrate her defense. The witch's horn flashed as several rocks flew at her. She ignored the rocks as they bounced harmlessly off her armor. Eldritch energy was crackling off her armor as she closed the distance even further. Her eyes and the holy runes of the Empress carved into her skin were glowing white.

"Spirit of noxious immateria, be gone from hence, for as the Empress of ponies, manifold be her blessings, watches over me, so I will not fear the shadow of the warp." Twilight was nearly 30 feet from the foul witch that had tried to destroy the drop ship. As she continued to chant she raised her fore hooves and all of the eldritch energy surged off her like a waterfall. The witch screamed as her psychic defenses melted under the onslaught, a scream that would have killed any lesser pony. Twilight continued to channel power until she could no longer sense the witch.


~*~


Twilight stood on the ramp of the drop ship and Pinkie carried Rainbow Dash to the drop ship. "You came back with more than just her geneseed, how bad was it?" Twilight inquired. "She took a blade to the chest, knocking out a heart and 2 lungs. She's activated the Sus-an Membrane to enter stasis until we can assess the damage" Pinkie replied.

Shortly behind them came Fluttershy, smoking a cigar and dragging behind her the head of a lesser daemon whose eyes still wept flame. "Flutter, what did I tell you about trophies? All that is tainted with chaos must be purged" Twilight scolded. "Pfft, you’re no fun. I had to fight this beast hand to hand with a bolter and knife after he broke my flamer" she replied as she dropped the head, and kicked it into a nearby ditch.

Bringing up the rear were Applejack and Rarity, arguing over who had gotten the most kills. "Well that's fine 'n dandy sittin' on top of some ruins pickin' off unsuspectin' cultists nice and safe like, but I say that last one was mine. 73-72 I win, you owe me some hard cider" Applejack complained. "Please if you’re not going to let the kills count just because your flailing your chainsword around when I shoot them then I don't really see the point of saving you over and over" Rarity quipped.

Twilight walked up the ramp and closed the hatches. "Cleared for lift off, hard burn. Get us to orbit!" she barked at the pilot. "Roger that, full burn in 3" Spitfire replied. True to her word, a sudden jerk shook the space ponies as the shuttle accelerated to escape velocity in just over 3 seconds. Twilight looked out the window and muttered "Some may question your right to destroy ten billion ponies. Those who understand realize that you have no right to let them live!"

"What was that sugarcube?" Applejack asked. "Nothing Applejack, I was just remembering something the God Empress once told me. I hope next time we can stop the taint of chaos before we have to invoke the exterminatus on a whole planet" Twilight sighed. As the planet was bathed in weapon fire from orbit, she took comfort that the Empress will was done today.

> 5. Lyra Trolls the Internet :: T/Co
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	
{teen}{comedy}{random}


“Lyra! Come on, we don’t have all night! The gala is in 45 minutes and you signed up to perform!” Bon Bon shouted.

“Just a minute, I’m almost done!” Lyra said.

“That’s what you said two hours ago!” she retorted.

Lyra continued to type away on the keyboard using her magic. Glowing mint green astral hands flowed over the keyboard, her magic typing at break neck speeds.




Lol, Lyra495, dunt be a newb, they’re is no such thung ask humans!







First off, HungLikeAStallion_69, your name, and your argument are an insult to all of Ponydom. Instead of responding to the clearly linked scholarly articles on humans you igno—




“Lyra!” Bon Bon shouted, pulling the plug on the computer.

“NO!” Lyra screamed in her ear, illiciting a painful squeal from her. “HE WAS WRONG! I had to prove him wrong! He’s ruining everything!”

Bon Bon sighed, speaking with the tone of voice one would use with a petulant filly. “Lyra, it’s the internet. You’re arguing with a talking head, an anonymous pony you’ll never meet, over something entirely inconsequential!”

“That’s not true Bon Bon! First off, your name is stupid and your argument is invalid! Instead of addressing my point, you insult me to distract the reader!”

“What bucking reader, Lyra? This is real life!” Bon Bon quickly slaps Lyra on the cheek. “Get ahold of yourself, Mare!”

Lyra bites back a tear and rubs her cheek. “You. . . hit me. But. . . nopony on the internet hits me. . .”

“That’s because you’re acting irrational! Just ignore whats-his-face, he’s not important, this,” she gestured to the powered-off computer, “is not important!”

Lyra began to sob. “B-but he. . . he m-mocked me on my favorite h-human fiction w-website. H-he hurt my f-feelings.”

Bon Bon hugged the mint green mare tightly. “My golden Lyra, it’s okay. It’s just a meanie on the internet. You know I love you, everypony in Ponyville thinks you’re great.”

“B-but T-twilight still s-said. . . h-humans aren’t real. . .”

“Lyra,” she lifted her chin to face her eyes. “Twilight may disagree with you, but she is a real friend, not some pony on the internet. She respects you, loves you, she doesn’t call you names to make you feel like a bad pony. Why would you want to do that back to some troll on the internet?”

“S-so t-they stop m-making f-fun of me. . .”

“Oh, Lyra, come here.” Bon Bon hugged her again and glanced at the clock. The gala began in 15 minutes, barely enough time to get to the castle on time. She patted Lyra on the back.

“Thank you,” Lyra finally said with a sniffle. “I feel better. . .”

“Good, because the Gala is beginning. Are you gonna let this go for me?”

“Y-yes.”

Bon Bon planted a light kiss on her forehead.





The gala had gone excellently. Despite being a background pony, Lyra’s music was exceptional. Whether or not the snooty nobles cared, Lyra knew her Bonnie was in the cloud just to hear her play the lyre.

Lyra headed over for punch during the intermission. “Hey, Berry.”

“Hey, Lyra. It’s lovely to see you here,” Berry said.

“Likewise, how is your vineyard?”

Berry smiled. “We’re now shipping wine to over four countries. Most recently, the Minotaurs began ordering a special vintage of Merlot. They even sent some of their white grapes so I can try creating some new wines.”

“That’s wonderful! I can’t wait for your next wine tasting,” Lyra said.

“I’d love to see you there. Just remember to keep Pinkie away from the wine caskets.”

The two mares laughed at the party pony, who like Vinyl, knew exactly how to party when alcohol was involved.

“I still can’t believe Pinkie made fun of you at the last party, Berry. I would have drank all the punch straight from the bowl too if you hadn’t beat me to it!”

Berry chuckled. “Yeah, I don’t know how she makes such damn-fine non-alcoholic fruit punch. It was funny having the pot call the kettle black though. . . at least, when she is sober she knows I only drink socially.”

Lyra chuckled, hearing a small chime from on stage. “Well, almost time for me to get back to work, see you later.”

Lyra turned around and bumped into a large white unicorn. She immediately recognized him as Blue Blood, and her smile soured.

“Oh, dear, what a lovely unicorn. Tell me, which noble family are you from?” Blue Blood asked.

“Not interested,” Lyra said. She nearly choked on the odor of bourbon on his breath.

“Now, now. Surely you want to hear my proposition to unite our noble houses in matra. . . in marr. . . in sex.”

“Nope.”

Blue Blood stuck his hoof out, blocking her path. “Aww, come on! Won’t you even tell me a little about yourself, sexy?”

Lyra bit back a cruel retort, instead opting for a more peaceful was to de-escalate the situation. “I’m Lyra, I’m a commoner from Ponyville and I play the Lyre. I’m renting a two-star motel to play at the Gala this year. I broke the motel lobby computer arguing over human fiction on my favorite websites. I enjoy long walks on the beach, and stallions with a shred of self-respect.”

She stuck her tongue out, and started to walk around him. “Lyra, I too am a fan of the um. . . human fiction! Why don’t we go back to my room and use my uh. . . computer to talk about it!”

Blue Blood was being a little too obnoxious for Lyra’s tastes. “Okay then, prove it! What’s your name?” she asked.

“HungLikeAStall—”





“Thou did well not to invite the elements, Tia,” Luna whispered.

Celestia sighed. “Don’t remind me. The gala is so much better with them here to cause a little chaos. I might have to reform Discord if I have to sit through one more boring gala.”

Luna chuckled. “We wish to see Discord arrange a gala. Do not fret, dear sister, perhaps Blue Blood will once again ‘cause a little chaos’ for us to enjoy.”

Celestia’s eyes scanned the crowd, landing on Blue Blood. Her Nephew was. . . special. . . She scowled quietly, so only Luna could hear it. “You’re right, looks like he is going to offer us a reprieve.”

Luna turned to face Blud Blood just in time. He said something to a minty green unicorn. Less than half a second later, she had grabbed his front leg and flung him over her shoulder onto the buffet table.

Blue Blood landed on the punchbowl, shattering it. A second later, the table gave beneath his weight, spilling more food, drinks, and two large ice sculptures of the royal princesses onto him.

Celestia and Luna couldn’t hide their laughter from the noble ponies. It was far too loud and unbecoming of royalty. Neither cared.

They watched the unicorn, a tan mare, and the lyre leave the building.

Celestia smiled. “At least the lyrist knows how to love and tolerate”














> 6 Dexterity: The Serial Killer :: T/Tr
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


{Grimdark parody} {Tragedy} {Teen}


Flim had gotten into plenty of fights as a traveling sales pony. The throbbing in his forehead right now topped every fight over cider or booze he had ever had. As Flim awoke he could make out a dim ceiling, aged and covered in cobwebs. The world was spinning and coming into focus; He must have had quite a night with his brother. They must have used their cider maker to make hard cider again. No stranger to hangovers, he took a deep breath and tried to sit up. Confused, he looked down to see why his body wasn't obeying him, only to find himself strapped to a table.

"I'm so glad you could join us Flim. For a while I thought I had given you too much tranquilizer. Even your brother screaming for mercy didn’t wake you up." A cold calculating voice spoke softly from the shadows, "did you two really think nopony would notice the mares going missing in each town your little 'cider' squeezer visited?"

"What... there..." Flim felt like he had a mouth full of cotton and struggled to get a better view of his assailant. The voice was coming from across a table with a white cloth laid over it. A single red stain adorned the center of the sheet. "Flam... You're... why are you doing this?" he asked. Deep down he knew what he had done. "Sweet Celestia, you finally caught—"

"Celestia holds no power here!" the white mare barked with emotion as she stepped from the shadows. "Do you see the pictures on the wall? Look at them!"

"I.... but..." The angry white mare slammed Flim’s head to the left against the table. On the walls were pictures of 6 mares, Flim remembered one of them as Cherry Jubilee. A grey one had eyes that seemed to be bouncing around in different directions. He couldn't remember names but he could remember what he and Flam had done to the mares... Flim inhaled deeply as he realized why he was here and tried to summon his magic. Instantly pain racked his brain, spreading down his spine and into his legs.

"Looking for this?" the mare mocked him. She tossed his horn to the ground and smashed it with her hoof. "You murdered these innocent sweet mares, and that was enough for me to put you on my table. What I wasn't expecting was your blubbering brother to admit too much... darker acts before you two killed them."

Flim looked over at his brother and then to the mare in front of him. She had a cold, calculating look in her eye just like his brother when he sized up a mare. This white mare was a cold blooded murderer. Flim thought of the angles he could take to try to appeal to her. She had already killed his brother and altar to the lives he had taken. The mare had gone to great lengths to prepare her own brand of justice. Perhaps if he convinced her that he was a victim? "If you kill me you'll be no better than Flam. All my life I've lived in his shadow, forced to help as he tricked these young mares and—murdered them" Flim said, trying his best to cry.

"No. You and your brother have done something so vile that the only way to protect Equestria is to take your life. Now tell me how sorry you are and I'll make this quick" the mare stepped forward and snipped a lock of hair off of Flim's mane.

"Please... Don't... I'm sorry! Please have mercy on me!" Flim begged, finally able to cry.

"Celestia has mercy, I do not." The mare raised her blade and with a single stroke to his heart she ended the life of another serial killer. Equestria, and mares throughout it, would be safe from scum like Flim and Flam. She wished she had caught on to them when Derpy had vanished. They killed 3 more mares after Derpy and she could have saved them. Those 3 lives weighed heavily on her conscience while a darker voice in her brain rejoiced. She had to keep this dark side fed and in control. She had to channel her urges into something positive to control them. She had to remember who she truly was: Rarity, big sister, and guardian of the innocent.


~*~


"I can't believe Tank is turning 2 years old! This is the best turtle party I've ever thrown" Pinkie exclaimed.

"It's a tortoise… if you don’t mind" Fluttershy corrected.

"Tortoise, turtle, what's the difference? Here have some of my red velvet cupcakes they're the best!" Pinkie shoved one in Fluttershy's mouth.


"Really darling, I wish you wouldn't go around shoving cupcakes at everypony. It's not very ladylike" Rarity stated.

"I'm just glad we have something to celebrate with all the disappearances lately" Twilight broke in.

"Whatever do you mean Twilight?" Rarity asked, fighting the urge to smile.

"Celestia had some royal guards stop by the library earlier. They had heard from the police that Flim and Flam were seen near Ponyville so they came to arrest them. Their super speedy cider squeezy 6000 was found near the Everfree Forest. The princess wanted to question them about some disappearances," Twilight sighed.

"Were they the colts everypony was looking for to question about the mares disappearing?" Rainbow glanced back to Twilight "Derpy disappeared after they visited Ponyville and mares vanished from the next few towns they visited. Sounds to me like they were up to no good and got what they deserved."

"Now Rainbow, that's horrible to say." Rarity fought back another smile at the unintended compliment.  "Just because somepony takes another ponies life doesn't mean something terrible should happen." Rarity could see she had the desired effect on Rainbow. For years Rarity was the reason there were so few murders in Ponyville. When a pony disappeared, she could quickly track down and deal with the culprit.

The party for Tank continued on until late at night at the Carousel Boutique. After everyone had left Rarity let out a sigh of relief and headed for bed. In her bedroom under a false floorboard, she pulled out a simple looking wooden box. She looked at the two newest trophies, two locks of red hair with white stripes. Today had been a good day.



~*~


Rarity was curling her mane and sorting various hair care products with her magic. Since she had started protecting Ponyville the crime rate had dropped to the lowest in Equestria. She hoped that with Flim and Flam out of the way there would be a chance to relax and get back to dress making. Trotting downstairs she wondered which dress she should start with when Applejack burst through the front door.

"Rarity, quick! Ya'll need to get over to Twilight's with us, Big Mac's gone missing!" Applejack blurted out.

Rarity knew that Big Mac was probably asleep in the shade of an apple tree. The other voice in her head suggested that a new murderer was in town. Rarity found herself smiling and said “Don’t worry darling, we’ll find him.”


~*~


At the library Applejack and her friends discussed plans for search parties. "He was 'sposed to be back for dinner after workin' the south field but he didn't come back. I reckon we looked all over Sweet Apple Acres for him but couldn't find him anywhere!" Applejack was barely able to control her emotions.

“I’m sure we will be able to find him, don’t worry yourself," Rarity consoled.

"Yeah, so have some cupcakes to cheer up! These ones have extra extra frosting and extra extra extra sprinkles!" Pinkie gleefully began passing out her cupcakes. Sure enough these were large chocolate cupcakes generously covered in red frosting and green sprinkles.

"I've sent word to Celestia. She has dispatched the royal guard to all the towns in Equestria due to the recent string of murders and disappearances. She has instructed them to follow my orders and aid in the search for your brother, we'll find him Applejack" Twilight assured.


~*~


Rarity paced angrily across the boutique hurling bolts of fabric and spools of thread. With resounding crashes she manifested her anger on anything in range of her magic. So far nopony found Big Mac and to make matters worse Lyra disappeared then the Mayor. As her rage exploded, she flung several of the broken mannequins back across the shop. 

This time it was personal; somepony had kidnapped Rainbow Dash. In all the years learning to follow clues and track down serial killers, nopony had ever taken one of her friends. She had caught dozens of evil ponies, followed clues and solved cold cases. So far nopony had left her a clue to follow; it was as if they marched off to their deaths willingly. Big Mac, Lyra, Mayor Mare, Dash… Rarity had personally searched all of their rooms with help from Twilight and found nothing.

Rarity looked around at her destroyed shop, it was clear she was getting nowhere. The weather team had gone to check on Rainbow when she didn’t show up for work this morning. She had been napping in the town square yesterday, how long had she been missing? Was she already dead? Rarity had no answers and realized whoever was out there was every bit as cunning as her. 

Twilight, Fluttershy, and Pinkie Pie were out looking desperately for Rainbow Dash. Applejack was so devastated about Big Mac that she had packed up her whole family and moved to Appaloosa. Rarity had to salvage what was left of her friends, of the elements of harmony...

Rarity stepped out into the night with her saddle bag and her favorite knife. Somewhere, in one of these houses had to be somepony and Rainbow Dash. The beast inside Rarity knew this to be true; it knew that the killer was someone trusted in Ponyville. When it came to matters such as these Rarity had learned to trust that instinct. No struggle meant it was somepony they had trusted. She set off first towards the center of town and Sugar Cube Corner. Maybe Pinkie Pie had some luck in the search for Rainbow Dash. As she approached the house she noticed the closed sign on the front door. It made sense the Cake's wouldn't be taking any chances with their young foal and filly. What she didn't expect was to see Pinkie leap past the kitchen window with a mixing bowl. How could she possibly be looking for Rainbow Dash if she was wasting more time baking those insufferable cupcakes!

Rarity used her magic to break down the locked front door, upset that anypony would be doing less than spending all their effort looking for Rainbow Dash. When she got to the kitchen Pinkie was already gone. She had just been in the kitchen and Rarity could see no trace of her. She felt a nagging in her mind as a voice inside told her to examine the floorboards. She looked around and saw that flour and sprinkles of every color adorned the old pine floorboards. She glanced towards the oven, where there were 4 planks without a single sprinkle on them. Rarity grinned as she realized Pinkie must be hiding in the cellar baking cupcakes instead of searching for Rainbow Dash.

Rarity used her magic to lift up the floorboards and head downstairs, but nothing could prepare her for what she saw next.


~*~


"Please Pinkie... why am I tied up? What's going on? Is this some kind of prank?" Rainbow cried, pure terror in her eyes.

"It's like I told you, you get to make cupcakes because I pulled your number, see!" Pinkie cheerfully pointed out a scrap of paper with ‘42’ on it. "Now you'll make the tastiest cupcakes ever!"

"I don't understand... I can't make cupcakes strapped to a table! And it's really hurting my wings!" Rainbow pleaded. Her eyes bulged in terror as she realized what Pinkie had meant when she invited her over to ‘make cupcakes.’

"Now Rainbow, I don't want you to be scared, I'm just going to take a little piece and figure out what flavor we'll be making!" Pinkie slid a scalpel into Rainbow Dash's flank near her cutie mark, and every muscle in Dash’s body tensed. 

"Gasp! Uh—" Pinkie looked down at her chest as a cold chill filled her. Something had hit her in the back, something red was pooling on the floor... with a big grin she collapsed to the ground.

For a minute, Rainbow Dash didn't move, she didn't even open her eyes. She realized Pinkie wasn't talking, and that her flank wasn't feeling any more pain. Two cyan eyelids rose slowly, blinking away the tears. Traumatized by the horror she had just undergone, she began to cry for joy when she saw Rarity slumped on the floor next to Pinkie Pie.

"Rarity!—" Rainbow sobbed and added "I'm—she—oh Celestia, what's happening?"

"Pinkie... why? Why would you do this? Why didn't I figure it out sooner, maybe Lyra and the Mayor would still be here.... how many others?" Rarity questioned the dead mare who up until a minute ago had been one of her best friends. Pinkie Pie had always been one of Rarity’s closest friends and had shared in countless happy memories. She was the element of laughter, throwing parties for everypony, baking cupcakes… If a pony so nice could be this evil, was Rarity any better?

"Uh.... Rarity? I could really use a hoof here. Please? You did what had to be done let's just go get the police—" Rainbow froze when Rarity looked up at her, those weren't the same eyes of the element of generosity she was used to.

"All these years Rainbow—all these years I thought I was protecting innocent ponies. If Pinkie Pie can be a killer too, how am I any better?" Rarity asked, as she began to stitch up the cut on Rainbow's flank with her sewing kit.

"Rarity, if you hadn't killed her she would have killed me, doesn't that make it alright? You're kind of freaking me out here..." Rainbow blubbered.

"Do the ends justify the means Rainbow? It wasn't just Pinkie; I have caught dozens of serial killers before her. I have killed them for the evil they wrought on Equestria. I have weighed each life they took before I caught them against each life I saved.... in the end, am I any different?" Rarity inquired.

"Um..." Rainbow Dash had tensed up. Not only had Pinkie been a serial killer but Rarity too? And now she was stuck here, her savior having an existential crisis? Deciding her only way off this slab was to appeal to her generous side, Rainbow decided to help her through this.

"Rarity please, think of Sweetie Bell and all the other fillies that will be safe now. Think of all the ponies that will be safe for what you did. Just—" Rainbow steeled herself for what she was about to say. "Just let me go, and if you don't want anypony to know about this I won't tell them."

Rarity began removing the straps from Rainbow Dash, and finally admitted "No Rainbow, ponies need to know. Violence and hatred is spreading across Equestria. I thought the solution was to excise it. Go to Twilight, tell her to send a letter to the Princess about this and meet me at my boutique. I have a letter to write to Sweetie Bell.  Celestia willing I may be able to atone for the lives I've taken without taking any more." 

The straps were now undone, and as much as Rainbow wanted to comfort her friend, the voice in the back of her head was screaming for her to fly out of that place as fast as she could. "Rarity..." Rainbow began, but was interrupted. "Dash no; I've broken the elements of harmony, only Celestia can save me now, go!" Rarity commanded. Dash took off and flew out of Sugar Cube Corner, leaving Rarity with her thoughts. The control she thought she had over her dark urges to kill had been shattered when she killed one friend to save another.


~*~


Rarity walked through the darkened boutique and levitated a quill to paper.


Deer Sweetie Bell,

I want you to know that you are going to hear some terrible things about me, and I want you to know I did what I did to protect you. What I did was still wrong, I had angry feelings and I didn’t handle them the right way. I hope someday you can forgive me. Stopping violence with violence is no cure. I only hope you will grow up generous, kind, and full of love. You are sweet and innocent, and I will always love you.

-Rarity.


~*~


Twilight walked into the darkened boutique to find Rarity exactly where Rainbow Dash had told her she would. "I couldn't believe what Rainbow Dash told me. I wouldn't have believed her but she had a fresh cut and was sobbing. You and Pinkie are serial killers? " she chided.

Rarity looked up and met Twilight's eyes and even her dark passenger felt a twinge of guilt "I never knew it would go this far" she stated. "I used my evil for good" Rarity said, chuckling "if that even makes any sense."

"You saved lives Rarity, but you also took them and that was wrong. I just want you to know that as angry and disappointed as I am right now, I will still remember you as the generous pony I met when I moved to Ponyville." Twilight tried to comfort her.

"Thank you, for understanding Twilight" Rarity said. She stood up and would have hugged Twilight, but Celestia and Luna were already waiting behind her to take her to Canterlot. She would face trial soon for her crimes. She swallowed the lump in her throat as she approached the princesses and hoped they could help her silence the dark voice in her head.


~*~


A pair of deft hooves sewed flesh as the pony hummed a song. She had cleaned up Pinkie Pie and gotten her ready for the burial. There wouldn't be a burial though; she couldn't stand the thought of any of her friends ever leaving her. Instead an empty casket had been buried, and Pinkie was brought here. Despite being dead she still had that smile on her face and that joy in her eyes. Whether from insanity or laughter, the features had stuck there. As the Pony finished sewing the knife wound up, she took a step back to admire her work.

On a pedestal now stood Pinkie Pie, preserved and not looking much worse for wear. Years of taxidermy had paid off, and she had wondered if she would be ready when the time came to use it on one of her friends. She couldn't bear to let any of her friends go: not a squirrel nor a pony. Every critter she had ever lost was preserved in this room. As Fluttershy stepped out of her shed, she saw an inquisitive Angel tapping his foot impatiently. "Stay out of my shed, Angel" Fluttershy whispered.


> 7. Twilight's Dollhouse :: T/Da
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	
{Dark}{Tragedy}{Teen}


Twilight hurried to clean up her study before her guest arrived. She had planned every last detail so tonight would be perfect. The last thing she needed was to have Spike walk in on her again.

Light tapping sounded from upstairs. She hurried up to meet her guest at the door. With one quick motion, her magic opened the door up.

"Applejack! I'm so glad you could make it," Twilight cheered.

"Thanks, ah reckon ah could use a break after all the weird things happenin' lately." Applejack walked inside and took a look around. "Spike is asleep already?"

"Yeah, he was really tired. Follow me; I have already heated us up some tea." Twilight gestured into the study. The two went in and took seats around a small round table.

"Ah ain't much for tea, but since ya already made it I can try some."

"Thank you, that's all I ask." Twilight levitated her teacup to her mouth and took a sip.

Applejack used her hooves to lift the steamy tea up to her nose. It smelled like flowers and cinnamon, and she took a sip. "Well, ah wouldn't normally agree with Rarity, but ya do make some good tea."

"Thank you, so tell me, how are things on the farm?"

"Awful," Applejack replied. "Ever since ya brought us that letter that Big Mac got drafted, we can barely keep up with the work. Can't imagine why Celestia would re-institute the draft at a time like this."

"I wish there was something I could do to help, maybe I could do something to help you relax."

After another sip of tea, Applejack was already feeling relaxed. "Ah reckon this tea is relaxin' enough. Long as ah got my farm ah don't much care that so many ponies are movin' out of Ponyville."

"I know, it's too bad they discovered dangerous pockets of magic under the ground. Ponyville was growing so fast."

"Whew." Applejack lifted her head back up and rubbed her eyes. "Ah must have worked harder than ah thought today, ah'm already plumb tuckered out." 

"Drink some more tea, it'll help. You can even sleep here tonight, with me."

"Thanks, but ah got to keep an eye on Applebloom." She set down her tea and headed for the door. "Got—to get back before ah—fall asleep," she yawned.

"I insist," Twilight ordered. A plank of wood fell in front of the door and a magical lock clicked it into place.

"Wha—Twilight?" Applejack was feeling a bit woozy from standing up. 

"There, there, why don't you come sit down and finish your tea?"

"Ah don't want no tea." Applejack followed her over to the table and sat down. It was getting so hard to stand in her current exhausted state. "Ah've got ta get home, Applebloom and Granny will be worried."

"Finish your tea, and I'll walk you home."

"Ah said I don't want you—"

"Finish your tea!" Twilight commanded.

"Twi—Twilight you feelin' alright?" Applejack glanced down at her tea. A sudden thought entered her mind, though it made no sense in her drowsy state. She had gotten tired as soon as she drank the tea. Twilight must have put something in it. With the strength she had left she lifted the cup, making a show of accidently spilling it and dropping the cup.

"Applejack!"

"Sorry—ah'm so tired. Ah'll just finish yours for ya." Applejack yawned and smiled weakly.

"That's ok, I'll make you more." Twilight removed her tea from the table and went into the kitchen.

Uncomfortable at what was going on, Applejack began to crawl towards the door. She had heard stories of ponies being taken advantage of, but surely this was some misunderstanding. The tea, the drowsiness. . . she knew she should not have stayed up so late last night. 

Applejack reached the door and tried to undo the lock. She was probably being paranoid, but she'd rather be paranoid while safe at home.

Twilight walked back into the room hovering a new cup of tea for her friend. "Applejack, where do you think you're going?"

"Gotta—get home Twi." Applejack slumped against the door.

"This is your last chance, drink your tea." Twilight hovered it to her lips to help her drink it.

"No," Applejack mumbled. She weakly tried to swat it away. She managed to spill some of it, but Twilight's magic kept a firm grip.

Frustrated, Twilight flung the cup against the wall. "Fine, if you don't want to do this the easy way, we'll do it the hard way. I've only had to use this spell once on a conscious pony and it sounded quite unpleasant."

"What?" Applejack fought to keep her eyelids open and her focus on Twilight. It all felt so wrong that adrenaline had begun to pump through her veins, helping her fight off the drowsiness. "Ya are gonna do what to me?"

"You'll see soon enough. I do hate to make noise, got to be mindful of the neighbors, so why don't we start here?"

Twilight walked over, her horn glowing. Applejack tried to keep the horn away from her, slapping it with her hooves. She pushed her horn against Applejack's throat, silencing her.

"And now, my favorite part." Twilight took a step back and encased Applejack in a purple aura.

Applejack fell flat on the ground and began to squirm. She opened her mouth to scream but no sound came out. She felt her hooves go numb as a new sensation crept over her legs. It felt like hardened plastic, smooth and cold, as it flowed upwards. Slowly her lower legs lost their feeling and the muscles stopped obeying her commands. As the icy plastic continued upward, her hooves felt as if they were on fire. The plastic penetrated deep into her through her pores. 

She tried to scream again and again as the plastic advanced. The fire burnt her down to the bone, as it turned her flesh into plastic. Meanwhile, the smooth outer coating replacing her fur had reached the top of her legs. She could no longer stand, even if she wanted too.

Once the plastic began encircling her ribs, the enormity of her situation dawned on her. With her stomach now rigid plastic, and her ribs unable to expand, she fought to draw in air. She hardly noticed the burning sensation spreading into her internal organs as she fought the rigid flesh pinning her lungs closed.

Applejack looked up at Twilight, who was sipping her tea and enjoying the show. She opened her mouth several times, trying to form words to speak to her. She continued to deny it; this must be Discord or Chrysalis. Twilight would never do this to her friend.

She froze in agony as the fire reached her heart. She felt it stop beating, and her mind screamed in terror. She could no longer feel anything below her neck, except the plastic and the burning sensation. Applejack was neither breathing nor circulating blood, and a dreadful calm washed over her head. 

This was it. Twilight had murdered her.

Applejack managed a few tears as the plastic crept along her muzzle. It began to pour inside her mouth and nose, followed by that agonizing burning. She forced her eyes to stay open, pouring the last bit of strength into glaring at Twilight.

A second later it was over. The pain had ceased, Applejack was at peace. Yet, she was still aware. She was laying on the floor, unmoving, and still staring at Twilight.

"Well, I may have to do that more often. It was quite fun to watch your reactions," Twilight complimented. "Now, let's fix you up and get you back to the farm."

The farm, Applejack thought. Does she think this is some kind of prank and she can just send me back now? When I get out of here. . .

Twilight's horn began glowing purple, and the world started to expand away from Applejack. Everything was getting bigger, soon it was twice as large, three times as large, and continued to expand. It wasn't until she felt her legs being bent to a standing position that she realized what was happening. 

Applejack was now only two inches tall, stuck in the pose of a pony galloping along the road. Her front left hoof was raised in the air, and her back left hoof gingerly touched the ground for balance.

She was a doll.

"Now, let me show you why I invited you over." Twilight levitated Applejack effortless over towards the basement door. "I have a lovely model of Ponyville in here; I think you'll enjoy it."

Twilight turned on the lights and Applejack saw what she was talking about. There was a perfect replica of the town taking up most of the basement.

"Now, here's Sugarcube Corner. You can see Pinkie just inside, she's having so much fun selling everypony cupcakes. I'm afraid she didn't really move back in with her parents on the rock farm," Twilight chuckled.

"Here's Rarity's shop, she's quite lucky. Her and Sweetie will get to spend the rest of their lives together, and look how happy they are!

"Next up Rainbow Dash in her Wonderbolt outfit. She is quite lucky. Had her turn come up sooner she would not have been accepted into the Wonderbolts yet. Imagine my joy to not only find out she passed the tryouts, but to have her come tell me in person right after I drew her number!

"This one. . . This will be Fluttershy's cottage, but it isn't her turn yet. The real reason you are here is right over there, on Sweet Apple Acres."

Twilight levitated Applejack down to be face to face with Big Mac. "I love family reunions. Now, I'm going to leave you and Mac to catch up. We have a big day tomorrow, it's applebuck season!"

Applejack stared into her brother's eyes. She could not move a muscle, she had no choice but to stare straight ahead into his eyes. Is he imprisoned in there also? Everypony, imprisoned by Twilight?

She felt something like a tear roll down her cheek, and saw a tear mirror her own as it slid down Big Mac's muzzle.

The lights flickered out.














> 8. Rainbow Dash's Unfinished Novel :: E/Sl
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


{slice of life} {everyone}



The Wonderbolt air show Chapter 1
	

A young blue filly watched with excitement as the Wonderbolts performed for all of Ponyville. Today was the day that Spitfire was going to be performing the greatest move ever! Soarin and the other Wonderbolts began to form a gigantic twister out of storm clouds. The twister bucked wildly around in mid-air, shooting lightning bolts everywhere. Spitfire would fly through the twister, avoiding the lightning and creating a sonic boom to dispel the twister and pull up at the last second over the crowd!

As the fastest pony in Equestria, I knew how hard that would be but if anyone could do it Spitfire could! I watched as she dove, faster and faster, streaking into the eye of the twister. The lightning was flashing quickly as she got nearer, but then one of the Wonderbolts got out of position and a stray lightning bolt hit Spitfire knocking her out! I lept into action, closing the distance hundreds of the feet to the twister and catching Spitfire. I met Soarin and the other Wonderbolts on the ground afterwards.

"Wow Rainbow Dash, you keep on saving us and we're gonna have to make you a Wonderbolt!" Soarin exclaimed. Soarin nudged Spitfire who was dizzy but unharmed, one of the benefits of being a Pegasus was a high tolerance for electricity.

"That's twice now you've saved me Rainbow Dash, and since everypony knows your the only pony to have broken the sound barrier I'd like you to perform this trick for me at Canterlot next week" Spitfire said.

"omigosh omigosh omigosh! Really?" Rainbow proudly asked. "You'd let me join the team and do the grand finale!"

"More then that Dash, I'd like you to be the team captain for the performance. Celestia is going to be at the show and if anypony deserves to lead the Wonderbolts for a week, it's you!" Spitfire admitted.

"This is going to be the BEST WEEK EVER!!!" Rainbow shouted.


~*~


As Rainbow dash sat in her living room looking at her long unfinished novel she wasn't sure what to write next. Sure, she thought, the mare of her story would be the fastest flier in all of Equestria and become the captain of the Wonderbolts... How would she do it though? It was one thing to be awesome, anypony could tell just by looking at her. How would she describe it in her book so everypony could see it?

She thought back to Spike, who had once been her ghost writer. When Applejack had saved his life, Dash remembered about her unfinished novel and wished that she had saved Spike from the timberwolves. Then she could have just had him write the rest of the story. Dash couldn't figure out what was with this dragon code anyway, since she had saved the world and his life before. Why'd he have to choose now to follow the dragon code? And why did she let Applejack talk him out of it? Just yesterday she had pushed Spike out of the way of a run-away apple cart, but he is no longer following the dragon code so literally as to serve her every beck and call.

Well if Spike couldn't help with her unfinished novel, maybe Twilight could. Nopony knew more about books then Twilight, and it would give her a chance to see if the next Daring Do novel had come out. Daring always inspired Dash to spend a little more time reading books. She left the house and flew down to Ponyville and to Twilight's library before tapping on the glass to her bedroom. Twilight was sitting at her desk reading a book titled "A brief history of time, by Stephen Colting". It was beyond her how anypony could read such boring history books when so many adventure novels were in the library!

Twilight looked up from her book "Oh hi Rainbow Dash, what are you up to today?"

"Oh nothing much, I got bored of practicing all my super awesome moves and decided to work on my unfinished novel" she replied as she shrugged, making it look like writing a novel wasn't difficult at all. "I just thought I'd drop by and see if the new Daring Do novel is out yet."

"No Rainbow, I keep telling you it'll be out this summer. The pony who writes it has writer's bit" she replied sharply. "Now I have a lot of reading to..." she was quickly interrupted by Dash "So Twilight, what's a writer's bit?"

"It's when somepony can't think of anything else to put in their novel, sort of like you and that book about the 'awesomest fastest flier in all of Equestria' " Twilight mocked.

"Hey! I can think of plenty of things to put in my novel, I'm just too busy practicing tricks to impress the Wonderbolts! But uh... how's somepony going to figure out how to finish the Daring Do novel then?" Rainbow dash fidgeted around a little, hoping Twilight hadn't caught on that she was really trying to get advice for her own novel. Twilight finally took her eyes off of her book and looked at her, seeing her fidgety forelegs.

"Well.... 'somepony' would go around and look for some inspiration, maybe tour some ruins to get ideas for Daring Do... or just fly around until 'somepony' got a good idea for her novel" Twilight added, barely able to keep her smirk from turning into a full blown smile.

"Oh, well let me know when it comes out, gotta run!" Rainbow shouted as she had already started to fly away. She had been embarrassed when she had to admit how awesome reading was after giving Twilight such a hard time. If she had to admit to her how much her unfinished novel was bugging her.... she couldn't bear the thought! She was the awesomest pony in Equestria, the only one to do a sonic rainboom, the element of loyalty! If anypony could finish their novel it'd be her!

As she flew along she began to pick up speed, if inspiration was what she needed then surely doing a sonic rainboom would give her all sorts of ideas for her novel. Approaching Apple Acres she continued to speed up, the wind pulling back at her mane until it felt like she was pushing her way through a vat of glue. Squinting against the wind, her wings beating furiously she felt the resistance build more and more. This was the moment of truth, the air was so palpable that she felt like she could tear a hole in it. Focusing on a point in front of her, she reached out her hooves, took a deep breath, and flapped with all her might.

In a split second, she had penetrated the sound barrier. As Rainbow flew along, outrunning the sound of her own sonic rainboom, she realized how her novel should end! Sure there was still that whole part in the middle of the novel to take care of, but how hard could that be? She had a beginning and an end, the rest would be a piece of cake!

Realizing how hungry her flight had made her, she circled back around to Apple Acres to see if the Apple family was eating dinner yet. She was no Pinkie Pie, but she was proud of the fact that nopony could hide the smell of a fresh baked meal from her Pegasus sense of smell. Slowing down she could see the last bits of the rainboom vanishing into the air and landed outside Applejack's house.

"Well I reckon that's her now Granny smith, she was loud enough to peel paint off the barn!" Applejack exclaimed.

"Hey Applejack! I couldn't help but notice some of that apple pie cooling on the windowsill" Dash grinned.

"What did I tell ya about doing sonic rainbooms so close to the house?" Applejack snorted.

"That it was TOTALLY AWESOME and COOL!" Rainbow excitedly added. "I don't suppose you wanna let this one slide if I promise to do it over the south field next time?"

"Ah swear Dash, sometimes ah wonder what's goin' on in that head o' yours. One of these days your gonna scare somepony into the hospital, or knock out our windows again. Ah reckon' you can have a piece of pie but you should head back home and work on that novel instead of trying to impress everypony" Applejack added knowingly.

"Pfft that's totally not what I was gonna do tonight Applejack" she denied. "And just because I asked you to make Spike finish my novel for me doesn't mean I don't know how to end it! In fact I just thought of the perfect final chapter."

"And let me guess, ya'll are gonna do a rainboom so spectacular that all o' Canterlot is in awe and the princess makes you captain of the Wonderbolts?" Applejack sarcastically added.

"What? No way! I'm WAY too cool to have such a cheesy ending" she replied defensively. Dash stood there for a minute as Applejack sized her up. There was no lying to that pony, and somehow she had hit the nail on the head about how she wanted to end her novel. "So I'll take some of the pie now, thanks, and head off. I've got some serious napping to do if I'm going to be at my best for Owlilicious' birthday party tonight."

"All right Rainbow, and remember not so close to the house" Applejack implored, sure that Rainbow had already tuned her out as she flew off with 2 pieces of apple pie.

After some apple pie and a 1... maybe 4 hour nap, Rainbow stretched and yawned. Sitting on her living room desk was the quill and parchment Twilight had given her when she expressed her desire to "write a book 20% cooler than Daring Do!" Twilight had been so amused that she readily gave her 4 quills and 10 rolls of parchment, and sent Spike out to restock her library at Sofas & Quills. Rainbow Dash had been so embarrassed at Twilight's glee that she hadn't often mentioned the unfinished novel since then.

Rainbow was loyal to her friends and loved spending time with them, but she always worried that she would fail them. If she couldn't finish this book, Twilight would probably stop letting her hang out at the library so much. Everypony would hear about how she couldn't finish the book, and Applejack would get that mischievous grin of hers when she finished her novel first. Rarity would probably shout "this is the worst... possible... thing!" and pass out, while Fluttershy and Pinkie would probably wonder why she hadn't mentioned her novel to them before. "Ugh, pleasing everypony can be a hard thing to do" she mumbled to herself as she sat down and began to write the last chapter.


~*~


Final Chapter, Canterlot Grand Finale


Rainbow Dash stepped onto the stage, flanked by Soarin and Spitfire who had insisted on being her wingpony after she told her the new idea she had for the finale. "That's going to be a trick people will remember the Wonderbolts for forever!" Spitfire had gasped. "I have to help you pull it off if your going to get that kind of speed."

As Rainbow stood there, Celestia watched from her private balcony. Thousands of ponies were cheering for the fastest flier in Equestria. Rumors had been spread about the finale that she had planned, as well as the fact that Spitfire had made her captain for the week. In the stands were her friends from Ponyville to cheer her on. She could almost swear she heard Fluttershy cheering. She pulled the green tinted flight goggles down over her eyes and smirked. Standing there in the hoof-made blue flight suit with the golden Wonderbolt insignia, she had finally realized her dream. This was going to be the best airshow ever!

Leaping into the air the routine began. Warming up with some easy tricks, Rainbow was soon spiraling through the air. Approaching Sorain and Spitfire rapidly she sailed within inches of them before diving towards the ground. As their rainbow and smoke contrails mixed they corkscrewed tighter and tighter together. Forming a solid formation, they used their hind legs to kick apart from each other and rocketed apart above the stands. The ponies below cheered wildly at Rainbow Dash, and feeling the adrenaline she knew it was time for the grand finale.

After giving Spitfire the signal, Rainbow dash did her signature super speed strut to get everyponies attention, then the buccaneer blaze. The ponies below hadn't even noticed the giant twister Spitfire and Soarin had formed until the lightning began to crack through the sky. As everypony looked at the looming black twister that shot lightning around the edges, Rainbow zoomed straight up to gain altitude.

Looming over the storm twister, Rainbow could see the eye of the twister far below.  She would dive down, performing a sonic rainboom in the middle of the twister causing an explosive rainbow and thunderous noise that nopony would ever forget. Her heart beat like a hummingbird, threatening to steal her resolve as she prepared to dive. Sweat trickled down her now matted mane, and she wiped her flight goggles that had begun to fog up. This was the moment she would go into the history books. The crowd below had now fixed their attention on her, a small blue dot in the evening sky, and she folded her wings to her side and began the dive.

As everypony silently looked upon her, she plummeted like a rock, conserving her energy until gravity could accelerate her no further. As she neared the cloud she began to flap her wings mercilessly, beating the air into submission. She was going to get every bit of speed possible, shatter the sound barrier and give Princess Celestia a show the like of which she had never seen in thousands of years of life. She felt the familiar thickening of the air, as if it couldn't get out of her way fast enough. She fought back as the air tugged against her skin, stretching her forelegs out in front of her into a spear. She was close now, the sound deafening, the air fought with everything it had, and then it happened.

Rainbow burst through the eye of the twister and simultaneously performed her sonic rainboom. As she veered to the left through the wall of the twister, she slowed down to just below the speed of sound then speed up breaking the sound barrier again. She had just performed the double rainboom, and nopony would ever be able to steal her place as the most awesome, fastest, coolest pony in all of Equestria!

Two rings of brilliant color spread out through the air, with lightning arcing between them. The entire audience was stunned silent, and a rush of cool air hit them like a wall of water blowing all of their manes back. The power and beauty of it brought tears to Celstia's eyes.

Rainbow landed as the cheering crowd rushed to congratulate her, and Princess Celestia stepped forward.

"My little pony, that was a full rainboom, all the way... a double sonic rainboom all the way! no way..." Celestia stopped as she fought back tears. "Whoa, that was so intense."

"omigosh omigosh omigosh omigosh" Rainbow chanted not believing what she was hearing from Celestia.

"You are without a doubt the fastest, most awesome flier in all of Equestria Rainbow Dash. It is with great honor that I pronounce you co-captain of the Wonderbolts and the best flier in Equestria!" Celestia exclaimed, using the royal Canterlot voice her sister was so fond of.

"BEST! DAY! EVER!" Rainbow screamed with glee, as Spitfire, Sorain, Twilight, Fluttershy, Pinkie, and Applejack tossed her into the air and carried her off to her "Best flier in Equestria Party" that Pinkie was throwing.


~*~


Rainbow dash leaned back exhausted, noticing that Tank was sitting on the table watching her write the novel. It was hard to believe only a week ago she had told Applejack and Rarity about her unfinished novel. Now that she had a first and last chapter, it would be super easy to finish the novel now. Kicking her hooves up on the table she got comfortable and closed her eyes to take a quick nap. Owlilicious had a party later tonight and she was sure when she told everypony about the awesome ending to her book, they would all want a copy. Just a couple more weeks, she'd tell them, and she'd have the best selling novel in all of Equestria.

Rainbow dash fell asleep with a wide grin on her face. Tank slowly crawled over to the quill and dipped it in the inkwell. Someone had to help Rainbow Dash finish her novel, and if he left it in her hands it'd never get done. With a very slow grin, he began to work on all those "pesky middle chapters" and correct her grammar. Tank was happy to be the best pet in all of Equestria.
> 9 Rarity's Revenge: Dodge Junction :: E/Co
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	
{comedy}{slice of life}{everyone}


It had been a couple months since Rarity had been stranded near Dodge Junction with only Pinkie Pie for company. They had to walk through the desert for a couple hours to get back to town, and then rent a handcar to get to Ponyville. There wouldn’t be another train until tomorrow, and once somepony told Pinkie that the nickname for a handcar was a “Kalamazoo” she had to listen to her go on for an hour about Kalamazoo this and Kalamazoo that. Then it was chimi cherry or cherry changa…

Rarity had sworn revenge on Rainbow Dash for abandoning them while chasing down Applejack. At first she had been planning a series of elaborate acts of revenge, but had finally settled on something more subtle…


~*~


Spike was flying through the air, listening for the sound of screaming. Spreading his massive wings out, he dove down towards the source of the noise. He could see a cowering pony, surrounded by timber wolves. “Hang on Rarity!” he bellowed, taking a deep breath. The wolves were oblivious of the purple dragon overhead, as he shot out green fire igniting 2 of them and sending the other 3 fleeing. After the 2 burning wolves had jumped into a nearby stream, Spike was alone with Rarity at last.

“Oh Spike darling, you’re my hero! You simply must allow me to reward you” Rarity blubbered, holding back tears. Spike closed his eyes and leaned forward… Rarity opened her mouth and shouted “SPIKE! GET THE DOOR!” Spike’s right eye popped open to a confused looking Rarity. “SPIKE! It’s almost noon get out of bed!” and as Spike turned around there was an annoyed looking Twilight and several woodland critters fleeing for their lives.

“Ugh…” Spike rubbed his eyes and rolled over in his bed “Twilight, I wouldn’t need to sleep in until noon if you hadn’t wanted me to sort all the books alphabetically by Author’s maiden name last night.”

“Well somepony must have left the front door locked and I have to finish this dissertation on the origin of the elements of harmony for the princess” Twilight replied calmly.

The knocking started up again but much closer this time, Spike looked over to the window to see a frizzy rainbow mane and 2 bright magenta eyes pressed against the glass. “Hey Twilight, Spike! The new Daring Do came out today; do you have my copy ready so I can read it?” Rainbow inquired.

“Actually Dash, Rarity stopped by earlier this morning and borrowed the whole series. I never would have figured her for the…” Twilight was interrupted by a panicked looking Rainbow Dash. “She what! I’ve been waiting months for the next novel, it’s supposed to be the best book in the series!”

“Well maybe you should go over and ask her to borrow it, after all she is probably still on the first book” she responded, but the window was already vacant. “Spike will you close that window for me? Spike?” After looking back Twilight could see that he was already fast asleep again. She heard a click and a “who” as the window closed. “Thanks Owlilicious” she replied, sighing at Spike. There were some battles even she couldn’t win, and as long as Spike was asleep she just might finish her dissertation for the princess and have time to start reading Starswirl the Bearded’s “The fabric of space time, unabridged edition.”


~*~


Rainbow Dash landed in front of Carousel Boutique and walked in past the open sign. She saw Rarity hard at work on a rainbow colored dress. She sighed, this is just what she needed right now. Her birthday was tomorrow and Rarity doubtless wanted to size some frilly girly dress to make Rainbow wear. As she pondered what Daring would do to get the book without getting stuck as a pin cushion for a crazed fashionista, she approached.

Glancing around the room the books were nowhere in sight, it was never that easy. “Hi Rarity, I came by to get the new Daring Do book, you know, kingdom of the ebony heart” she added.

“Oh Rainbow! I’m so glad you’re here; I have to get you sized for your birthday dress. I figured the only way I’d get you to sit still long enough was if I borrowed that dusty old book. And I must say that the way Ahuizotl traps her in a tomb before revealing—” 

Rarity was quickly interrupted by Dash “STOP! I’ll let you size the dress just no spoilers. Also, could you make it a little cooler? With all those frills and laces you’d think somepony had never met me before.”

“Oh, well the customer is always right… Here, why don’t we get this sized and then I can make some modifications” Rarity fused. “After the whole incident with Hoity Toity I’d think you would have a little more faith in my designs.”

Rarity did have a point there, Rainbow conceded; if anypony knew fashion was it was her. With a dejected look on her face, she stepped up onto the pedestal next to the dress and allowed Rarity to put it on. She had zoned out, wondering what kind of artifact the ebony heart in the next novel would be. Would Daring Do take it back to a museum to be preserved, or would it turn out to be some dark artifact that had to be destroyed? And how had Ahuizotl escaped after Daring Do had her locked in prison?

As Rainbow stood there her skin crawled against all the satin and lace of the dress. Being friends with such a generous pony was nice, but sometimes she was a little too generous with her elaborate dresses. She noticed Rarity levitating a bottle over with her magic and a bit of fabric. “Hey Rarity, what’s that?” she inquired. She could already smell a bit of the pungent odor coming off the cloth 
“wait.. ah” Rainbow quickly collapsed asleep on the floor. Rarity began the task of moving her upstairs to the bedroom while she prepared to get her revenge on Rainbow Dash.


~*~


Pinkie Pie hopped happily along the main street of Ponyville. She loved everypony and every party, but tomorrow was Rainbow Dash’s party and nothing was better than a big, cool, rock and roll party. She had already stashed cakes, streamers, confetti, and party cannons all around Ponyville in preparation. Her last stop was Rarity’s, who had generously offered to hold the party at her boutique.

As Pinkie approached, she stopped and took note of the closed sign on the door. Rarity shouldn’t be closed yet, so she paced around looking for an open window but couldn’t find one so she settled on a drain pipe.

Rarity was upstairs, making Rainbow’s dress 20% frillier and giving her a hooficure. She would be the most girly looking pony at her party tonight, and that would drive her crazy. She then heard a loud bang and what sounded like broken dishes downstairs in the kitchen. With a sigh she got up and left the bedroom, locking the door behind her. That was undoubtedly Pinkie Pie, nopony else could enter and leave a locked building at will like that pony.

“RARITY! I’m so glad to see you! I was outside and the door was locked and I was worried you forgot about the party, and then I thought you’d gone to get a present but that’s silly because everypony knows that the stores are closed on Sunday so I…” Pinkie was interrupted by Rarity, who knew from experience she would be here all day otherwise.

“Pinkie, I’m so glad you could make it but you’re earlier than I expected. Like we discussed, Rainbow wants to party all night long for her birthday. The guests will be here at 6” Rarity added.

“Oh I know that, I just came by to make sure everything is set up for tonight. It’s going to be the best party ever! The Wonderbolts accepted the RSVP, and everypony in town wants to come, and all of our pets will be here and Twilight says that Luna might even stop by if she is not too busy!” Pinkie rambled on “So why did you close up the shop so early?” she asked, tilting her head.

“Well I can’t have the shop messy for the party and I need to work on my mane” Rarity stated. 

“Your mane looks fine Rarity, nothing like my mane. No matter how many times I wash it it still smells like cotton candy” Pinky sighed.

“That would be because you have cotton candy scented shampoo Pinkie” Rarity rolled her eyes.

“Oh that’s right! Well then, if everything’s ready here I’ll just head out to round everypony up” Pinkie exclaimed, before jumping back into the sink.

“No wait Pinkie!” Rarity shouted, but it was already too late. She would have opened a window or a door, but Pinkie had already vanished, presumably down the sink. “Well, that’s Pinkie Pie.”


~*~


Rainbow stirred in bed, she had clearly been taking a nap again but something in her mind was nagging her that this was all wrong. Had she overslept her birthday party? Looking outside it was already sunset, so she hopped out of bed and looked around for a clock. That’s when she noticed the mirror, and a small note on it.

Dear Rainbow Dash,
You abandoned me in Dodge Junction with Pinkie Pie, covered in dirt! It took me weeks to fix my mane. Well I’m throwing you a very special party to celebrate, I do hope you enjoy it.
-Rarity


~*~


Rainbow Dash looked in the mirror in horror. She first noticed her eyelashes, she never curled them or thought much of them for that matter. Now they were almost an inch longer and curled. Her eyelids had pink makeup that matched her iris and she had on matching lipstick. Her cheeks glistened with a blushing shade of pink. Then she saw her hair.

Her beautiful mane had been braided, shaking the tiara off she could see that no hair had been missed. Dozens of long, elegant braids ran through her mane, down over the dress…

Rainbow gasped in horror at the frills and lace. Smooth pink satin flowed down her flanks, with yellow lace and white frills. Small pastel flowers adorned the sides, it was doubtless the kind of dress Rarity or Fluttershy would wear but this was WAY to uncool for her. She needed something awesome, radical, streamlined…

Starting to panic her gaze finished drifting downwards to her beautifully hooficured hooves. Pink nail polish had been applied to her delicately trimmed hooves. “Nopony touches my hooves!” she thought. Not even bothering to examine her braided tail, she decided it was time to get out of here. She looked at the window, her birthday party was any minute and was at Carousel Boutique. She had to get out of here before anypony saw her. Losing control, she struggled to rip the dress off, when she noticed her wings.

Her wings were inside the dress! She tried everything to get the dress off but Rarity must have anticipated this. Losing all sanity, she rushed to the window to jump out and run off before everypony saw her wearing half the pink cloth in the boutique. The window was securely locked, that’s when she turned slowly to the door. Surely if Rarity had gone through this much trouble, than everypony in town would be waiting downstairs to surprise her. Taking a deep breath, she thought back to Daring Do and the Temple of Doom. She could do this, she could sneak out before anypony saw, maybe get to Snips parent’s clothing store and get some scissors.

The door creaked open as she pushed it with her muzzle. No light shone through the door, and the creaking was amplified by the sound of her heartbeat. Finally sure that nopony had heard the door open she crept out into the dark hallway. She looked around, figuring she was on the second floor. There should be a bathroom and another window to the left, so she tiptoed across the floorboards. It seemed like every floorboard there creaked as if a manticore was standing on it. She paused every couple of steps to make sure Rarity hadn’t heard her. Getting to the door she found it was locked, much to her dismay.

There was only one other option now, and that was to head downstairs. As she approached the stairs she could hear some hushed murmuring. The lights were out, and everypony in town must be there waiting for Rainbow to walk through the front door. “This is great” she thought, but if everypony thought she was coming through the front door maybe she could sneak out the back. All she had to do was sneak downstairs, past the ponies in the dark, and out the back.

As she crept down the stairs she could feel every eye in the room on her. Surely they had to notice her? Hear her heartbeat? Her lungs began to burn as she realized she hadn’t been breathing. Afraid to gasp for air, she inhaled slowly and took a few more steps. She had reached the bottom of the stairs, and slowly crept towards the back door. Careful to use the party tables as cover, she was nearly there.

At the back door, Rainbow gingerly bit the door handle and pulled the door open.

“SURPRISE!!!” Pinkie shouted at the top of her voice from the other side of the back door.

“GAH!!!” Rainbow leapt backwards from the pink pony. How had she been outside in the backyard? Was she in on it too?

“Rainbow silly, the party is that way!” Pinky exclaimed “And I just love your dress!”

“My….” Rainbow was at a loss for words as the lights came on and she heard a gasp from behind her. Everypony in town slowly turned around to catch the pony that had tried to sneak out of her own surprise party.

“She must have thought the back door was the front door or maybe she had too many naps or smelt all those delicious cherry changas that Rarity baked!” Pinkie was already bouncing several feet in the air out of joy, but everypony else wasn’t quite sure what to make of Rainbow dash. Braided hair, pink satin, painted hooves…

“Well… your dress is… um… certainly something” Fluttershy meekly said, breaking the tension in the air.

“Why yes I’d say it is!” Rarity chimed in with a smile so big it looked like she could have fit a whole cake in there like Pinkie often did. “Rainbow has had me working for weeks to get this dress just perfect for her party!”

As if on cue, Vinyl Scratch popped up behind the DJ booth and started bobbing her head to a deep Rock ‘n Roll beat. Dash had loved Rock ‘n Roll once Lyra had introduced her to it. Vinyl, or DJ Pon3 as she liked to be called at parties, was quick to get on board. Glad for a reprieve as everypony started to mingle, Rainbow made her way over to Rarity.

“I can’t believe you! Sticking me in this girly outfit, in front of everypony in town!” Rainbow stated indignantly.

“Oh Rainbow, dear, do lighten up. Trust me when I say this is nothing compared to the sweat and sand and 4 hours on a hand cart…” Rarity was interrupted by Pinkie shouting “KALAMAZOO!”

“Um, yes a Kalamazoo. Anyway you look simply smashing, every colt in the room will want to go home with you after the party” Rarity added.

Rainbow Dash knew when she had been beat, but she also knew Rarity. She was sure with a little help from Pinkie she could get Rarity back for this. At least the Wonderbolts weren’t here to see this.

“Rainbow Dash!” Spitfire exclaimed, trying not to chuckle and failing. “When I got the RSVP from Pinkie Pie for your party I must say, I never expected this!”

Rainbow Dash wasn’t sure what to say, Rarity may be getting her revenge and she was furious to look so uncool in front of the Wonderbolts… At the same time though, not many ponies could say they got to hang out with the Wonderbolts at their birthday party. With the thoughts of vengeance fading, Rainbow grinned and replied “Yeah, well I owed Rarity a favor for leaving her in Dodge Junction last year so I’m modeling one of her new dresses…”

“Well, that’s understandable, say when the party is overcome find me and I can show you a few tricks from the next airshow. You might need to take that off though” Spitfire pointed at her dress which was pinning her wings to her side.

“Yeah it was uh…” Rainbow scratched her mane, remembering about all the braids “made for earth ponies.”

“Rainbow, you look incredible. I must say when I sent you here to get that copy of Daring Do back I didn’t think you’d have to go this far” Twilight joked.

Spitfire had already wandered off, so Rainbow turned to look at her friends. “Ah reckon ah must have bucked too many apples today and am seein’ things. Ain’t never seen you in anything quite so…. Fetchin’” Applejack added.

“Well you know what they say, when you’re this cool you can pull off any outfit” Rainbow tried to look confident, but that wasn’t easy when it felt like you were wearing a pink cloud.

“Well Rainbow, do relax and enjoy the party. We have kumquats, cherry changas, chimi cherries, and I do say Pinkie has taken quite a liking to those ‘pixie stix’ over there” Rarity gabbed. “And after all, you wanted to have an all-night party, so you’ll have plenty of time to talk to everypony in town!”

Rainbow sighed dejectedly; this was going to be a very long night.












> 10 You Marry the Mane 6 :: T/Ro - 2nd person
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	
{Teen}{Comedy}{Romance}{No clop, pinkie promise}


Rolling over in bed, you feel the hooves of a mare holding you tight. You were a lucky stallion, to become alpha male in the mane 6's herd. Every stallion in Equestria knew your name, but they preferred to call you "the stallion who mounted the elements of harmony" or "luckiest stallion ever." What you never expected was how difficult it was to please 6 mares with such different personalities. Your herd was as often a war zone as a harem, with a well-chosen word being the difference between love and war.

Opening up your eyes, you turn and nuzzle Pinkie Pie. She was normally a very hyper-active pony, but you made sure she would sleep well last night. As you smelled her cotton candy scented hair, you noticed it had flattened out and was straight. There was something else in the scent, something wasn't right here. . . 

Carefully sliding out of bed, you were able to make it to your desk without disturbing the mare. Looking at the calender you saw a single red dot next to today's date. It was that time of the month: the mares were in heat. If you had any hope of survival it was to make it out of the house safely before the mares woke up.

Turning around you considered grabbing your saddlebags; You would need some bits for your impromptu "guys day out." Pinkie was already stirring around in bed having noticed you were no longer there. No time for that you think to yourself. Heading for the door, each step makes a painful creaking noise on the old wood flooring. Pinkie gets closer and closer to waking up. . . finally you're through the doorway, careful not to shut the door to hard.

Passing by Twilight's open door on the right you see the curtains drawn, and Spike sleeping on his bed. "Spike!" you whisper. You consider just grabbing him with your magic and helping him make his escape too. Before you can, you notice Twilight passed out on her desk over some dusty book. It doesn't look like she is sleeping comfortably, and if anypony can stop your great escape it would be her. Better luck next time Spike.

From the door across the hall on the left, you can hear the hoof steps of Applejack. She was always early to rise, and had the stamina of 10 mares. . . not that it was an issue for a stallion such as yourself. Quickly trotting down the hall you hear her door open behind you. Without a second thought you use your magic to open the door to the foal's room and shut it behind you.

In front of you are 3 fillies and 2 colts, the first additions to your herd. As long as none of them wake up you won't be caught. You listen as Applejack trots to Pinkie's room, probably looking for you. Next you hear her approach Twilight's room. At least she's hunting me down quietly.

You watch as the sun's rays from the window get closer and closer to Twilight's sleeping filly. Behind you the hoof steps of Applejack stop in front of the foal's room. please Celestia, don't let her check in here. The hoof steps continue to the next door. Thank you Celestia, remind me to send you an extra Hearth's Warming Eve gift this year.

You listen intently to guess how far away Applejack is, when you hear a filly stirring. With the bright sun in her eyes, Midnight Sparkle begins crying. Y tu Celestia? With not a moment to lose, you open the door and leap over the railing to the first floor. You barely manage to cushion your fall with magic, as you hear more crying and hoof steps from upstairs. The door is right in front of you, but it's plainly visible from the foal's room.

The only way out is the back door, past her room. Luckily for you, it takes an act of Celestia to wake that mare up. She is into mares and stallions, which is great lest her voracious appetite drain you of your stamina. Everyone has limits. Carefully you make your way towards the back door, looking to your left to see 2 passed out mares. One sports a rainbow mane, the other an electric blue mane. The floor is littered with bottles. Note to self, have a talk to Dash about her drinking when she isn't hung over or in heat.

Walking forward you hit a bottle you hadn't seen due to your, shall we say "interest," in the two passed out mares. With a loud clinking, it ricochets off several other bottles. Your heart stops, but with the crying and shuffling upstairs nopony seems to notice. You slowly open the back door with your magic, levitating the bottles out of the way. You freeze as you hear a humming that could only be Fluttershy. She must have gotten up early to feed the animals.

Without thinking you dive into Dash's room and slam the door. Just like you expected the 2 mares are too drunk to wake up from the noise. You hear Fluttershy expressing her disappointment at all the stray glass bottles rather politely, as she cleans them up.

Realizing you are now in a pitch black room, full of glass bottles and DJ'ing equipment you do what any sensible stallion would do. With a hoof you flick the light switch so you don't kill yourself trying to walk to the window. It only takes a second to realize your mistake.

Like any good house built in Equestria, each room has outlets controlled by the switch next to the light switch. You never understood why, except so somepony can accidentally turn the power off when your busy. In this case, that switch was connected to a subwoofer, several speakers, and a mixer deck. Slamming the switches back down, you manage to silence the music after only one ridiculously loud 'wub'. Locking the door, you sigh and do it the hard way.

You don't know which switch is the light and which the stereo is hooked up to. With nothing but some magic from your horn to illuminate your path, you begin trudging through bottles to the far window. The constant sound of glass bottles clinking into each other is interrupted by a groan and another horn lighting up the room.

"Sup, you come to get a little of the action Dash is always talking about?" Vinyl looks straight at you with a predatory grin.

Taking your sudden loss for words as an invitation, as if that rough and tumble DJ would wait for one, she pounces on you. In your current distracted state your unable to maintain the light spell you had been casting, or cast anything else for that matter. There is a very horny unicorn keeping you pinned to the ground. You flail around, bottles clinking wildly as you try to claw your way out.

The lights flip on. A hungover cyan pegasus looks over to see her mare friend and husband engaging in a rather intimate act. Her sense dulled by the hangover, it takes Dash awhile to put two and two together, almost giving you time to explain.

"Wait, this isn't what it looks like! I just wanted to go for a walk and uh... get everypony muffins!"

"Oh, so you weren't trying to steal my marefriend and sneak out of the house without feeding and changing the babies? After all, the big strong stallion should have to pull his weight around the house too. Isn't that right Vinyl?" Rainbow Dash looked at the DJ and you saw that look. You know, the look mares use to say something without saying it out loud.

"I think somepony needs to be punished Dash." It doesn't take a genius to figure out what a mare like Vinyl has planned.

"I agree, and then we'll let the rest of the gals know what our brave stallion was really up to this morning while they did the chores!" Rainbow Dash began pulling restraints out of the closet and Vinyl cast a familiar silencing spell on the room.

If there was any blood left in your brain, you'd cast a teleport spell and get out of here. It's becoming rather hard to focus breathing in all the pheromones. With a sigh you resign to your fate. As if chores, 5 babies, and 6 wives wasn't enough, you were now trapped with 7 mares in heat.

This was going to be one of those days.














> 11. A Slice Of Haiku :: Fun Concepts.
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


{Slice of life story
considered comedy too
I'll read it with you}


The sun rose up high
guided by Celestia
waking up Twilight.

Rolling over once
burying her head deeper
she was up all night.

Star swirl the bearded
was an intriguing subject
for late night study.

Was it two or three?
her eyelids sagging so low
admitting defeat.

Her head hit the desk
Bringing the world back to light
it was time for rest.

Admitting defeat
she had climbed into her bed
for a fitful sleep.

Now clinging the quilt
she blocked out the cruel sunlight
to ease her fatigue.

Spike trotted past her
wise not to disturb her rest
he went to get food.

Warmly snuggled up
she could stay here all day long
but she was not Dash.

Fifteen minutes more
half an hour was the worst case
and she would awake.

With one final dream
of a Rainbow Factory
and a yellow shed.

"Wow that was quite weird
I should not eat before bed"
was all Twilight said.

To perturbed to sleep
she decided to get up
and find some coffee.

With a clop of hooves
down twenty-two wooden steps
she reached the ground floor.

Into the kitchen
Twilight trotted and could see
a horrific sight

Spike had forgotten
to go to the marketplace
and buy coffee beans.

Sweet Celestia,
what have I done to deserve
a horrible fate?

> 12 Typoglycemia :: Fun Concepts
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


A/N This story takes advantage of how the mind perceives written language. Nicknamed Typoglycemia. You can still read a story when the letters are scrambled, so long as the first and last letter remain the same. Using context and process of elimination, your brain sub-conciously deciphers the words for you. 
Unscrambled version follows in case it doesn't 'work'. It's still a relatively unstudied phenomena, being mostly used as a joke. (I could also just be insane.)  Enjoy.





Tgwiihlt Slkprae sat in fornt of the fpalierce wtih her fndeirs and Spkie. "So, taht's why I tinhk Celtseia is bset pnoy, how auobt you Rbnoaiw Dsah?"

"Wlel oviobsuly it's Srtfipie, Cipaatn of the Wondlberots! She is asmlot as fsat as me, in fcat she panelslroy itneivd me to tehir ttroyus ltear tihs yaer. It's gonig to be so awoemse! I can purtcie it now, soinrag tgruohh the sikes, a rbaoinw preices teuhndr cluods, and a ginat snioc rbooinam!"

"Ugh taht's so oivbous." Rtariy reolld her eeys at the psirtmaic pnoy. "Clelary you've neevr been to a clnoeartt fsiahon sohw. Hioty Ttioy is the bset pnoy, he lvies and bhtraees fosaihn. His wentir lnie of cihnotlg atesobully aamezd erveopyny! I catered oevr hlaf of tshoe dessres for him."

"um... I thnik Big Mascnitoh is bset pnoy." Ftherstluy bluehsd, and hid bihend her fwnilog pnik mnae. Fshttlurey had a cusrh on the lgrae red soaitlln for mohtns, hwevoer she was ariafd to aaopcrph him.

"I tnihk Droscid is bset pnoy! I jsut lvoe his vicoe, and the coaoclhte rian, and now taht we romfered him, he pisermod to aalwys add wipehpd caerm wehn he mkaes it rian! And taht deep vioce, it caonmdms reecspt! Lkie smoe knid of msiichevous diety form aegs psat. Puls cadny cnaes, splarasriala, slrkpaes, blolonas, cftetnoi, and ccukapes! And he bhogut me a new ptray cnnaon!" Piinke Pie kpet bunnicog aurond the room lnsitig the mnay awsoeme tirats of Dscriod, wihle the oehtr penois irnegod her.

"Wlel I rokcen Lnua is bset pnoy. Tehre ain't neevr been a pnoy taht has wkored so hrad to ccreort her mitaesks. Eevr scine we datfeeed Nthgmirae Moon, she has wokred day and nihgt to rdeeem hreslef. Taht's mhgtiy abdiramle."

"Eovenyrpy is wnrog. Rtriay is bset pnoy. Taht biutfeual bule mnae, toshe clurs, tsohe cruvy fanlks and taht polt--" Skipe was iptunerrted by Tgiwhilt siikcntg a hoof in his motuh.

"Ha ha. Skipe, you are eaasmrnbrsig yeouslrf aagin. Slily dorgan, aalyws jkonig aoubt yuor uh... fanlk." Thilgiwt girennd sihelpehsy at Rtiary, who was scutk bteewen fleetatrd and cnousefd at the draogn's biorlnrede lwed cmmneots.

"Tohu are all wrnog! Cellray the bset pnoy is Siinnhg Amorr. Had my sitesr not itenrvened, I wuold hvae bnihesad Cdenace and teakn him as my hnsbuad!"

Eeyprvony gpeasd at the univeintd gesuts sinntadg bhenid tehm. Cleietsa bkore the akrwawd scenile. "Epnvoyery is bset pnoy. I lvoe all of my ltitle pnoies the smae."

Ctlieesa leaend dwon to Tlhwiigt's ear and werpihsed. "You csohe wlel Tigiwlht Skprlae. Had I not been yuor chicoe for bset pnoy, I wulod hvae snet you bcak to mgaic kdenerargitn."









Unscrambled version (in case the trick didn't work. It did start as an email joke/hoax after all. It isn't a well-studied field of neurology yet.)

Twilight Sparkle sat in front of the fireplace with her friends and Spike. "So, that's why I think Celestia is best pony, how about you Rainbow Dash?"

"Well obviously it's Spitfire, Captain of the Wonderbolts! She is almost as fast as me, in fact she personally invited me to their tryouts later this year. It's going to be so awesome! I can picture it now, soaring through the skies, a rainbow pierces thunder clouds, and a giant sonic rainboom!"

"Ugh that's so obvious." Rarity rolled her eyes at the prismatic pony. "Clearly you've never been to a canterlot fashion show. Hoity Toity is the best pony, he lives and breathes fashion. His winter line of clothing absolutely amazed everypony! I created over half of those dresses for him."

"um... I think Big Macintosh is best pony." Fluttershy blushed, and hid behind her flowing pink mane. Fluttershy had a crush on the large red stallion for months, however she was afraid to approach him.

"I think Discord is best pony! I just love his voice, and the chocolate rain, and now that we reformed him, he promised to always add whipped cream when he makes it rain! And that deep voice, it commands respect! Like some kind of mischievous deity from ages past. Plus candy canes, sarsaparilla, sparkles, balloons, confetti, and cupcakes! And he bought me a new party cannon!" Pinkie Pie kept bouncing around the room listing the many awesome traits of Discord, while the other ponies ignored her.

"Well I reckon Luna is best pony. There ain't never been a pony that has worked so hard to correct her mistakes. Ever since we defeated Nightmare Moon, she has worked day and night to redeem herself. That's mighty admirable."

"Everypony is wrong. Rarity is best pony. That beautiful blue mane, those curls, those curvy flanks and that plot--" Spike was interrupted by Twilight sticking a hoof in his mouth.

"Ha ha. Spike, you are embarrassing yourself again. Silly dragon, always joking about your uh... flank." Twilight grinned sheepishly at Rarity, who was stuck between flattered and confused at the dragon's borderline lewd comments.

"Thou are all wrong! Clearly the best pony is Shining Armor. Had my sister not intervened, I would have banished Cadence and taken him as my husband!"

Everypony gasped at the uninvited guests standing behind them. Celestia broke the awkward silence. "Everypony is best pony. I love all of my little ponies the same."

Celestia leaned down to Twilight's ear and whispered. "You chose well Twilight Sparkle. Had I not been your choice for best pony, I would have sent you back to magic kindergarten."



> 13. Pinkieus Pieicus :: E/Co
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


 {comedy} {everyone} 


Twilight's Log
Subject: Pinkie Pie
Scientific Name: Pinkieus Pieicus

June 5th, 1030
After several coincidences I have decided to observe Pinkie and note her various so called "pinkie senses" and determine how she is able to predict events. She is currently claiming that:

A twitchy tail means something is about to fall.
Wobbly ears means somepony is about to need a bath.
An itchy back indicates good luck for Pinkie.
A pinchy knee means something scary is about to happen.
An achy shoulder means their is an alligator in the tub.
A combination of "ear flop, knee twitch, eye flutter" means a rainbow is coming.
A combination of "ear flop, eye flutter, knee twitch" means to watch out for opening doors.


June 5th 1115
I caught up with Pinkie at the park, where I was interrupted by Spike. Shortly after Pinkie got an itchy nose then hid like something was going to fall. I was attacked by bees before I could disprove the twitchy tail... There are far too many coincidences happening today.


June 5th 1145
Observed Pinkie Pie at Applejack's barn where I was able to disprove the "ear flop, eye flutter, knee twitch" combo. Unfortunately after I proved the barn door wasn't going to hit me, I stumbled into Applejack's cellar. I have now been assaulted by frogs, given a bath with an alligator, hit by several doors, attacked by bees, and sprained my front legs! This is getting ridiculous, Pinkie can not be predicting these events! There is a logical explanation for this!


June 5th 1330
I've been discharged from the hospital after Derpy nearly crushed me to death. Shortly after Pinkie's tail started twitching, she dropped an entire truck full of some ponies furniture on me! This is unbelievable, every time I'm about to see if her predictions are true somepony else interrupts or nearly kills me!


June 5th 1345
I've located Pinkie again and I am ready to take my testing to the next step. It is clear now that I can't just sit by idly and wait for something to happen. I have set up an anvil over the front door to Sugar Cube Corner. When Pinkie Pie comes out of the store, I will use my magic to release the anvil. If her tail twitches before it hits her, then I will have proved my theory. Here she comes....

Nothing? Nothing's happening, I pulled the pin the rope should release! Ugh, she didn't even twitch her tail, I need to go investigate the anvil.


June 5th 1400
The rope got stuck in the pulley, when I went to investigate I was nearly crushed by the anvil. I have caught back up to Pinkie who is in the town square. I have used my magic to paint an elaborate picture of an ice cream shop on the side of a brick wall. Right where the ice cream pony is drawn is a door, when she goes to buy an ice cream I will push the door open, hitting her. If she has this ridiculous "Pinkie sense" she'll see it coming.


June 5th 1415
I can't believe this! The door jammed! Pinkie had a 3 minutes conversation with a painting and I couldn't get the door to budge! I walked around to the door, only to have Doctor Whooves slam it open into my face. He said something about a lock	before I stormed off to catch back up to Pinkie Pie.


June 5th 1430
I have caught back up to Pinkie Pie, who is currently following a trail of candy corn to a box, propped open by a stick, attached to a string, that leads to this bush. When she gets to the box, I will spring the trap and forcibly test her Pinkie sense back in the lab. Her ears are wobbling, but there is no mud or water in sight! I might have finally proven it.... Why isn't this string working? UGH!


June 5th 1445
After heading over to inspect the box, it wouldn't fall over because of a sprinkler in the guardian. I angrily shattered the box with my magic, which broke the sprinkler resulting in a mane full of muddy water. Where is Pinkie now? I need to see if her ears are still wobbling...


June 5th 1500
Time to end this, with the pinchy knee. According to my research, it means "something scary" is about to happen. I have loaded her party cannon with stale cupcake batter and left it in the middle of the street. When she goes to inspect it, I will set it off... She is approaching now, but her back is itchy? That means.... Good luck? Hah! Time to prove her wrong!


June 5th 1545
The cannon failed to launch and you guessed it, somehow ended up exploding in my face. After washing all the cupcake batter out of my mane, I have found Pinkie again only to learn she knew I was following her all along! This was all a setup! I bet Spike AND Applejack were in on it. I am too angry to keep taking notes in my journal. Pinkie keeps saying there is a "real doozy" at froggy bottom swamp. For now, I'm just going to follow her and be patient. I'll take more notes AFTER I prove the Pinkie sense is fake.


Twilight's log,

June 5th 1900 zulu.
Final entry.

I quit. I don't know how she does it, and I don't want to know how she does it. I'm going to go get drunk with Dash and Vinyl, and forget this whole bucking day ever happened. Then I'm going to write the Princess a drunken friendship report, wake up hungover, and avoid Pinkie until I stop bursting into flames every time I think about her "Pinkie Sense." UGH! See, that right there! I just burst into flames again. I've got half a mind to burn this journal and cast an amnesia spell.






	
> 14. 300 Follower Special :: T/Ad/Gore
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	
A tribute to my friends, Sparta, and 300 followers.


{teen}{adventure}{gore}


Three hundred fim fiction users stood at the narrow canyon leading to their homes, and prepared to die for their fiction.

“There may come a day when the morality of authors dies,” I shout out, “But that day is not today!”

“Hoorah!”

“There may come a day when The Hub shuts down under the downpour of bodily fluids generated by rule 34, BUT NOT TODAY!”

“Hoorah!”

“They can take out lives, but they can never take our FREEDOM!”

“Hoorah!”

“Eat lightly, fans, for tonight, we read fiction, IN HELL!”

Kaidan turned to face the legion of changelings before them. They had been starved of love for so long, they became super hairy and liked to wear white clothes and lots of gold bling. They had hairy knees.

“They believe in everything you’re against, now kill them!” Kaidan shouted.

The battle lines clashed, pony versus changeling, drowning out all other noise. Daemon of Decay struck the first blow, cleaving a changeling in two with his mighty battle axe. The earth pony was built like train made of lead bricks. On the backswing with his axe, he cleaved two more in half. Their green blood created a waterfall, bathing his rippling brown muscles in goo.

“Seven!” shouted Pathos. “You’re going to have to try harder to keep up!” the cocky pegasus said. He swooped down, using a hoof blade to stab a changeling in the eye. The changeling flailed around on the ground gasping at his missing eye, while Pathos used a wrist-crossbow to shoot him in the throat.

“TypewriterError, boost!” Daemon yelled. The unicorn lay down her giant spoon over the pile of changeling bodies she had bashed to death. Using the corpses as a fulcrum, the spoon became a giant catapult. Daemon jumped on the spoon, and TypewriterError slammed down on the spoon with her magic.

Daemon rocketed through the air like an airplane trying to land ass-first with the landing gear up. He flailed at the last moment, bringing his axe around to tear a Minotaur in half. The shocked minotaur’s legs walked forward, while his torso and head stared on in disbelief. The force of Daemon’s impact shattered his front legs, and bits of his broken femurs had broken through his skin.

“Sssstrike that one!” a changeling shouted.

Dozens of changelings descended on Daemon. He mowed down several dozen as they swarmed him, biting him, eating him alive. Blood splattered everywhere as the bugs crawled over every inch of him, feasting on his flesh.

There was a mighty scream, startling the pile of changelings. “Khorne! Grant me strength and I shall bring thousands of skulls for the skull throne!”

There was a violent explosion, flinging the changelings off Daemon’s corpse.

Meanwhile, Kaidan was busy trying to keep Parasprite alive. He was literally a parasprite, and had already multiplied into several hundred thousand of the creatures. He was devouring an endless swarm of Wyverns, Minotaurs, Changelings, and Wendigo’s. Unfortunately his one weakness was exploited.

Several Klingons waded into the swarm of parasprites, and began to kill every single one. There was only one thing they hated more than tribbles: Deus Ex Machina. They refused to let some silly Parasprite save the lives of his friends.

Also, parasprite tore several klingons apart like pirahnas, spitting out bits of sinew and flesh, and more.

Kaidan shielded himself as a wave of flame erupted from Daemon’s corpse. A massive greater daemon stepped forth from a gaping fissure. He had large, leathery wings, thick chitinous scales, and radiated a black aura of malice. Blood dripped from his fangs and fiery eyes, and in each of his four arms he held a sword the size of a school bus.

Daemon cleaved his way deep into the heart of the swarm. The changelings scattered, until their mightiest warrior confronted him. A massive crimson dragon landed in front of him, bathing him in flame.

As the warriors fought, Pathos took an arrow to the knee. “Ouch!” He took another arrow to the wing, and fell to the ground.

“Quick, someone put him out of his misery!” Skeeter said.

“I’ll do it,” Kaidan replied. I ran over and stabbed him in the throat to make his death quick.

“What the fuck! You missed!” Pathos screamed.

“Sorry, let me try again.” I stabbed him in the chest, puncturing a lung.

Gasping, he grabbed the knife from me. “Dammit! I’ll do it myself!” Pathos drove the blade into his heart, for no reason other than that he was super pissed at my incompetence.

A large shadow loomed over TypewriterError. She was pushed out of the way by Shadowed Rainbow, as Daemon collapsed on her. The giant daemon was spewing flame from his heart, incinerating several nearby combatants.

Abacron and Cobalt charged forward with their spears somehow gripped in a hoof. They plunged the spears into the dragon to get revenge, and were promptly devoured. They would return to the fight in two to three days as fertilizer.

RainbowBob had seen enough death in his lifetime. He donned his patented Fallout Equestria™ battle armor and revved up the chaingun.

“Are you sure about this, Bob? The enclave frowns upon wasting ammunition,” the computer in his suit said.

“Shut up, Bitch, this is my power armor!” he replied.

He began spewing rounds downrange, mowing down hundreds of changelings in seconds.

“Bitch?” the computer replied. Suddenly, the suit powered down and the gun jammed. “You take that back!”

“What?” Bob replied. “Stop that! You’ll get me ki—”

A large tentacle impaled him through his mouth, severing his spine. Chrysallis looked on with a wicked grin as she used her tentacles to defile his corpse.

“I’ve got a bad feeling about this. . .” Kaidan said.

“They’ve got a cave troll!” TypewriterError yelled. She ran forward, levitating her giant spoon and deflecting the trolls mace. She spooned him again and again, to no effect. Before Kaidan could join her with his fork and help teach the troll a lesson in proper dining room etiquette, his mace smashed TypewriterError into a bloody pulp.

“No! In this fiction she was one of only three mares! Quick, protect the last mare!” Kaidan pointed over to Jaestring, who had killed so many changelings that she drowned in their blood. “Oh, shit.”

The battle line was falling apart, and Kaidan helped everypony regroup. “It’s down to us now!” He looked around, taking stock of the situation.

Skeeter, BronyWriter, Brony2893, Kaidan, Rurik, DPV, Rose, and a few others who will make brief cameos, gathered in a phalanx formation.

“For Narnia!” Skeeter screamed, as a meteor fell out of the sky, turning him into a Skeeter-shaped pancake. Apparently, the gods did not find that reference humorous.

BronyWriter pulled out his trusty rock and killed a dozen changelings with it. He then dragged a wyvern away, saying something about Rarity and a kill room. He was never seen again.

Brony2893 was doing a decent job at vaporizing changelings. As an orange unicorn stallion with no formal magical training, he had found an effective means of combat. He ran in circles, screaming, firing laser beams out of his horn. He would have lived, too, had one laser beam not hit a highly-polished shield and reflected back into his retinas, blinding him. A Hydra beant down, and it’s three heads bit into him, tearing him to pieces.

Rurik and DPV were fighting back to back with samurai swords. A wyvern continued to try and stab them with his stinger, but they slowly and methodically chopped it to bits. Next, Discord appeared, turning them to stone, and then teleporting away with them to do Celestia-knows-what.

“It’s time for the secret weapon!” Kaidan shouted. “Release the Kraken!”

Suddenly, there was an explosion. At the epicenter stood Rose, queen of the damned, who had just vaproized several hundred of Kaidan’s followers.

She shot laser beams out of her eyes, cutting a swath through the enemy ranks. Then, she remembered that she was not the queen of the damned, and did not have laser beam eyes. In ten seconds flat, she was devoured until nothing but a few bones remained by a rabid pack of diamond dogs.

Kaidan stood alone on the mountain of bodies of his followers, staring defiantly at Chrysallis as timberwolves surrounded him.

“Our arrows shall block out the sun!” she shouted.

“Then I shall die in the shade!” Kaidan yelled.

From all around him, thousands or arrows were launched and blotted out the sun. Kaidan smiled, cackling like a madman, as he took over 9,000 arrows to the knee.

“It,” Kaidan spat, coughing on his own blood, “has been. . . a red dawn.”

The rampaging horde entered fim fiction, where it posted dozens of horrible clop stories to the featured box every five minutes for the rest of time.
> 15 Pinkie Pie Picks a Pokemon :: E/Ra
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	
{random}{everyone}{comedy}


Pinkie crept through the tall grass with her faithful pokemon Gummy. Ahead of them was their quarry, the level fifteen flying pokemon. It knew quick attack, double team, gust, and buccaneer blitz.

“Alright, Gummy, I choose you!” Pinkie picked up gummy and hurled him at the unsuspecting pokemon.

Dash heard something in the bushes behind her and turned around. She was trying to help Fluttershy figure out where her animals were disappearing too. “Pinkie?”

“Gummy, use bite!”

“Gah—mmph!” Gummy landed on Dash’s muzzle, clamping down over her mouth and nose. Dash grabbed him and tried to yank him off. Somehow the toothless alligator was latched on and she couldn’t get him off. She bashed her head into the ground, successfully dislodging him.

“Oh no, she used headbutt! Quick gummy, sand attack!” Pinkie said.

“What is going on, Pinkie?!” Dash asked. Gummy kicked up some dirt into her eyes. “Ahh! Pinkie, stop, this isn’t funny!”

Dash jumped up in the air and hovered there. “Gummy, she’s using fly! Quick, use hyper beam!”

“Pinkie!” Dash yelled. She rubbed the sand out of her eyes and landed near her. 

“Hi, Dash!” Pinkie smiled and pointed down to the ground. “Gummy, fire!”

Dash rolled her eyes. “Oh, I get it, you’re pretending to play that silly video gam—”

Gummy jumped out of the tall grass with a baseball bat, clobbering Dash in the side of the head. Dash fell down, twitching.

“Good work, Gummy! It’s super effective!” Pinkie reached for a pokeball as Gummy latched onto her tail.

Dash came too groggily and saw Pinkie holding a red ball in her hand, with an evil glint in her eye. “What? No!” She got up but was too dizzy to fly, and took off running towards the park. She saw Lyra relaxing on a park bench. “Help!”

Dash felt something hit her in the back. There was a whooshing sound as all the air was sucked out of the space around her. Something grabbed her wings and tugged at her fur, pulling her backwards. The world around her was bathed in red light.

“No! What the hay?!” Dash lost her footing and flew backwards, feeling herself being compressed on all sides. After a few seconds of an unbearable weight crushing her, she heard a click. Dash wiggled around, feeling a solid metal sphere surrounding her. It was already giving her cramps.

“Pinkie Pie is your master. You will obey master.”

“What? No! Let me outta here!” Dash struggled against the metal shell entrapping her.

“Pinkie Pie is your master. You live to make master happy.”

Dash could feel the air getting stuffy and panicked. She wanted to move her legs to know they were still there. The small space had her immobilized, and it was driving her mad.

“Pinkie Pie is your master. You are her pokemon.”

“No! I’m—I am Rainbow . . .”

“Pinkie Pie is your master. You will obey master.”

“I. . . I must obey,” Dash said. Her mind was drawing a blank as she tried to recall what was wrong.

“Pinkie Pie is your master. You live to make master happy.”

“I will make master happy.”

“Pinkie Pie is your master. You are her pokemon.”

Dash flinched. “No I. . .I am. . . her pokemon.”

“Pinkie Pie is your master. You will obey master.”

“Dash da—dash dash!” she chirped.





The pokeball twitched one final time as Pinkie watched with anticipation. It sat still for a moment before a red light turned on and the pokeball chimed.

“Yes, Gummy! We caught Rainbow Dash!”











> 16. Worst HiE Ever :: T/Co/Satire
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	{Comedy}{Satire}{Teen}

It was a sunny day in Ponyville. All was peaceful as the birds chirped and butterflies floated around. It was at this moment that you chose to fart loudly and scratch yourself. You rolled over in bed, and felt Twilight moving under the covers. It was too early to wake up. . .

Wait, Twilight? You screamed and sat straight up, looking into a mirror. You were an Alicorn! You, Marty Stu, the biggest brony in Tennessee, were an Alicorn!

You looked at your taught, muscular body and begin to drool. You had such large wings and legs and. . . your mane was bright red! It shined brilliantly against your black coat of hair.

You fired up your horn to test your magic, causing a nearby building to explode into flames.

"Honey," Twilight cooed. "It's too early to punish the town ponies, come back to bed. The King of Ponyville needs his sleep before a hard day of work."

"Yes," Fluttershy echoed. "Stare into my eyes and tell me how much you love me, Marty."

"Uh. . . How'd you know my name? I'm not supposed to be here, I'm a human!" You shouted.

"Really, darling, you've been reading too many novels set in the TD verse. Next you'll be shouting 'get me outta here, I'm not a brony!' " Rarity chided.

"Yeah, shut up and cuddle with me. I don't wake up until noon," Dash complained.

"Fine you win. I'm such a huge brony that I don't mind cuddling up with six of the top ten best ponies."

"Wait," Applejack interjected, "we ain't all your top six?"

"Well, top five through ten really. Cranky Doodle was always best pony. I love Lightning Dust, Twixie, Steven Magnet, Dash, and then the rest of you are five to ten. You can fight over my love later."

Pinkie and Fluttershy began to cry, while the other ponies curled up tighter around you and sobbed.

"Hey, it's okay. I saw every single episode and you guys are awesome, I'm just confused because I always wanted to wake up in Equestria, and now that I have, my dream has come true! I just don't know which one of you to enjoy first!"

"Well, we hav—"

Suddenly there was an explosion.

"Oh no!" You shouted. Outside, Discord was on a rampage! He was over a hundred feet tall and was stomping on all the buildings.

"Please," Dashie begged with puppy eyes. "Save us from the scary monster, daddy."

You looked down at Dashie and smile. "Don't worry, kid, I woke up in Equestria to chew bubble gum and kick flank. . . and I'm all outta bubble gum."

With a flash of your super-awesome Alicorn magic, you materialized outside. You grew to two hundred feet tall and looked down at Discord mockingly.

"Hey, Discord, eat any good books lately?" you bellowed. Your voice shattered lots of windows and stuff.

"Oh my, I just wanted to spread a little chaos! Look, I'm giving Pinkie lots of whipped cream with her chocolate milk, I'm reformed!" Discord pleaded. "Celestia gave me diplomatic immunity!"

"It just got revoked," you scolded.

You fired up your horn, absorbing sunlight for one turn. Discord used Leer, it misses!

A huge beam of sunlight fired from your horn, hitting Discord in the face. It's super effective! Discord has fainted!

Marty has gained 1337 experience points. Marty is now level 19! HP+5, ATK+5, DEF+5, SATK+3 SDEF+3 SPD+4.

You returned to normal size to see everypony in town cheering for you.

"WOW THAT WAS SO AWESOME!!!" Scootaloo said, using caps lock to prove that she is shouting instead of an appropriate dialogue tag.

"Thanks, Squirt. Hey Crusaders, who is best pony?" you asked.

"YOU!" they said at a reasonable volume, not too loud, not too soft.

"Darn tootin'" you replied. "Now, I've got a gift for you three."

You fired up your horn and their flanks begin to glow in your magic. On Applebloom's flank a totally rad sky-scraper appears, with lots of those iron beam thingys and a crane and stuff because she likes to build junk.

On Scootaloo's flank appeared a rocket-powered scooter flying through a burning hoop surrounded by sharks with laser beams.

On Sweetie's flank appears a tiny microphone. Nobody likes that whiny brat anyway, you thought to yourself.

"CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS . . . crap, now what are we 'sposed ta do?" Applebloom asked.

"That's simple," you replied. "Now that you have your tattoos, you have to spend the rest of your life doing exactly what they say. 

"Applebloom, you have three weeks to build me a one-hundred story skyscraper, or I'm going to take Winona 'to the vet.' Spoiler: I mean I'm going to kill her.

"Scootaloo, you need to find some flaming hoops and sharks and jump through them until you're so good you can do it blind.

"And Sweetie, why don't you go to Manehatten or somewhere else suitably far away and sell your. . ." You looked at the tiny filly. "Voice, to make a living. It's the only positive trait I can see in you."

The fillies cheered and ran off to start their new lives.

"Hey Scootaloo!" you shouted.

"Yeah?" she replied.

"When you turn eighteen, you're free to join my harem."

"Thanks, Marty! You're really fly!"

You turned around and headed back to the library. It may only be your first day in Equestria, but you can already tell you're going to love it here.

A letter appeared in thin air as Spike belched loudly. He had onions for lunch, so it was unpleasant.


Dear Marty,

Chrysalis has returned! Luna is busy hiding under her bed again, and I'm not powerful enough to beat her! I mean, it's not like keeping the sun in an asynchronous orbit. Fighting off a single changeling is super hard! Please, come save me, and I promise that this time your princess won't be in another castle. She'll be right here, waiting to have lots of children with you.

Your Damsel in Distress and primary romantic interest,
Princess Celestia of Equestria.


"This is super serial, Spike! We must send her a letter at once!" You grabbed the fax machine and yanked on his tail. He spits out a piece of parchment and a quill for you.

"Hey Marty," Spike whined. "You know historically parchment is made from thin, dried animal hide? It's basically leather. You ever wonder where Celestia gets so much parchment? I mean, is she skinning cows alive or something?"

"Hey, Spike, shut up. Nopony in the fandom likes you."

Spike ran away crying, which kinda sucks because now you have to use your magic to send the letter.


Dearest Celestia,

Never fear, for you are the best and only princess in my heart. I shall depart at once to save you and win your love. You will join me in my harem in Ponyville, after I chain Chrysalis up in the dungeon. Oh, Celestia, what light through yonder window breaks? It is a rose which by any other name would no longer be a rose.

I'm coming, my love.
Marty Stu


You used your magic to send the letter to her, then you grabbed the elements of servitude—I mean harmony—and had them come with you to the train station. You departed for Canterlot at once.

"Hey wait," Pinkie says. "Why are we taking a train when you can teleport there at will? I could even use Pinkie space to get us there, see?" She unzips reality and you could see Canterlot on the other side.

"Silence! Make with the cupcakes and singing at once. I really like trains!"

Together, you and the six awesomest elements of harmony ever set off to save Canterlot. Well, really they're just going to cheer you on while you save it. But still, it's nice to have them along for the ride.










> 17. A Cock in Derpy's Box :: E/Co
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


{Everyone}{Comedy}






Derpy has one last package to deliver before she can close the post office and head home. Unfortunately, the package has plans of its own that don’t involve being delivered.

Story prompt/Requested by: Daemon of Decay
Part of my one-shot week


****************************************




Derpy Hooves only had one package left to deliver before she could go home for the day. However, she walked into the post office’s storage room to find the package missing. The room was full of empty shelving aside from a few stray packing peanuts. On the wall was a tracking list, and she doubled checked it. There was definitely one more package.

There should have been another box here, she thought. Derpy began to look under each shelf as if the package might have walked off and hidden itself. It wasn’t in the storage room, or the break room, or in the customer waiting area. The box hadn’t hidden in a P.O. box, or gotten stacked in the return to sender pile.

As she walked back to the storage room, one of her eyes drifted, and she saw the back door cracked open. Derpy wondered if she had propped the door open with the box, and went to investigate.  No sooner had she opened the door, a brown box began to slide across the alleyway and around a corner.

Derpy flew over to the corner and looked out into the dirt street, but the box was gone. Frowning, she marched out into the street and looked around. A bush rustled in the corner of her eye. She jumped over a bench and nearly knocked Lyra out of it as she went to investigate..

There was a small scrap of packing tape on a branch, but no box. She lowered herself to the ground and glanced around, looking under each bush on the street. Her eyes wandered slowly as she surveyed the street. Finally she admitted defeat, sighed, and stood up.

Both of her ears perked up at a sudden, faint scratching sound. It was barely audible over the conversations of passing ponies. Derpy spun around to see a box edging its way around the edge of Sugarcube Corner.

She flew over only to find the box was gone yet again. Derpy dashed through the bakery and threw the back door open. There was the box! With a loud laugh she pounced it, and a cloud of white flour burst out of it.

As she sat there coughing, she heard Pinkie clear her throat behind her. “Hey, are we playing ghosts?”

“No,” Derpy said, “I’m looking for my box.” She coughed to clear the last of the flour out of her lungs and stood up. “It’s trying to run away.”

“Oh, I hate when boxes run away and I . . .”

Pinkie trailed off as Derpy prowled down the street, scanning left and right for the stray parcel. In her twelve years delivering mail she had never once lost a package, nor allowed rain or snow to prevent her from doing her duty. 

“Look out!”

Derpy jumped back as Scootaloo flew by on her scooter. As she watched the filly go, she saw a startled postal package jump out from behind a tree, and scurry away.

“Aha, I’ve got you now!” Derpy yelled. She sprinted over, pushing ponies out of her way as the box fled into the marketplace.

Once she slowed down, she saw the many street vendors at their stalls, and nearly every stall had boxes stacked alongside it.

“Great, it had to be boxes. Why can’t they ever stack fruit or plushies or something?” Derpy wondered out loud.

She walked up to the first stall and began poking boxes with her hoof. The culprit wasn’t here, as none of the boxes tried to run away. There would have also been a black postal stamp on the box in question.

Derpy walked up to the next stall. “Howdy, Derpy,” Applejack said. “Can ah interest ya in some apples?”

“No thanks, I’m looking for a fugitive shipping box. It is ten by ten by twelve inches, double-corrugated cardboard, crush test rating two hundred pounds, with industrial grade brown packing tape,” Derpy explained.

Applejack stood there with her mouth agape before blinking and coming to her senses. “Say what now?”

“I lost my box,” Derpy said.

“Oh, well is it here?” she asked, gesturing to her stack of empty apple boxes.

“Nope. Thanks!” 

She flew off to the next stall. In no time at all she checked the cherry, orange, strawberry, lettuce, and carrot stalls. She was beginning to wonder why so many ponies prefered to sell vegetables and fruits in the middle of a street when Filthy Rich had a perfectly good, air conditioned grocery store.

She wiped the sweat from her brow and approached a cabbage vendor.

“Can I inte—”

“No!” Derpy barked. “I need to find my box. I’ve never lost a box, and I’m not letting this one get away!”

The tan stallion backed up. “Okay, okay. Look around.”

Derpy sniffed the air and listened carefully. She could feel it in her bones; the package was nearby. With a little concentration she brought her eyes into alignment and began to poke the boxes, watching carefully for their reaction.

The first box was full, but did not move. The next sounded empty. Right as she poked the third box, she heard a thud from another box behind the stand.

Derpy’s head shot up over the cabbage stand. On the other side of it, next to the stallion, the brown package was getting away.

“Grab that box!” Derpy screamed. She jumped over the cabbage stand, knocking it down, and spilling cabbages everywhere. Derpy raced after the box before it could get away.

Big Mac had to stop hauling his cart of apples to avoid running her over as she darted across the road. He looked for what she was chasing, but didn’t see anything out of the ordinary.

Derpy ran around the corner blindly, colliding with Rarity, and knocking her over into the dirt.

“My mane!” Rarity cried out.

“Sorry, but I need to find my—there it is!” Derpy said.

Rarity stood up and began to dust herself off, as the box inched behind her to hide. “Why, I’ll have to move up my spa appointment to today, and postpone the dress order! This is the worst possi—umpf!”

Derpy dove under Rarity, causing her to lose her balance and fall on top of her. The box was just a hoof away but she couldn’t stretch far enough to grab it in time. She wiggled out from under Rarity and resumed the chase as the box ran down the alleyway.

It kept turning blindly around corners, but Derpy managed to just barely keep up. Finally, it went back onto the main street next to the spinach vendor. It froze next to some other boxes.

Derpy saw her prey stop to take a breath, and gave a feral grin. “I’ve got you now!”

She stalked to the edge of the alleyway, and leapt onto the box. Derpy nearly crushed it, and it began to shake frantically as it tried to get away.

Derpy looked down at it. “Ha! I win—oh no, the box is damaged!”

She looked at the hole in the box, putting her muzzle right next to it to peek inside. In a flash, a yellow beak poked through and bit her nose, before squawking. Derpy dropped the box, and it took off again.

This time she reacted quicker, diving on the box and tumbling into the middle of the street. She lifted it up and saw two small feet scurrying frantically through one of the airholes.

“Haha! There’s no running away now. Let’s see. . . Deliver directly to Sweet Apple Acres, rush delivery. Easy day!”

Derpy grasped the box firmly and flew up into the air towards Sweet Apple Acres.





Big Mac and Applejack watched in surprise as they watched Derpy tackle a stationary box. She began laughing and talking to the box, before flying off with it.

“There’s somethin’ off about that mare,” Applejack said.

“Eeyup.”








> 18. Twilight's Best Day Ever :: T/Da/Tragedy
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


{Teen}{Dark}{Tragedy}


Twilight has finally figured out how to cope with the stress of being a Princess. She sets out to make every one of her friends smile, ensuring that she has the best day ever.


******************************************



Twilight had a rough first few months as an alicorn, but today was going to be the best day ever. She had everything planned to the last detail. She was going to visit everypony in town, give gifts to make them smile, and ensure everypony was as happy as could be.

Her first stop was with Dash. She landed on her porch and knocked on the door. After a minute, Dash opened it. “Hey, Twi, what’s up?”

“Hi Dash!” Twilight cheered. “I’m so glad you’re here. I got you a special gift today.”

“Whoa, awesome! I sure am glad to see you in a good mood for a change. What is the gift?”

Twilight pulled a bundle of books out of her saddlebags. “It’s an autographed, first edition of the entire Daring Do series. I even managed to get the next book early, just for you! It’s not due out for eight more months.”

Dash’s mouth fell open and her eyes went wide. She mumbled and nearly squealed in joy, before managing a more composed response. “Thanks! This is so awesome!”

“Anything for my friends, Dash, that’s why I’m in such a good mood.” Twilight smiled, and then turned to leave. “I’ve got more gifts to give, see you later!”

Dash could do little but watch in shock as Twilight flew off towards the next house.





Twilight ran into the Cutie Mark Crusaders as they debated their next crusade in the middle of the street.

“And I say it’s safe! It’s just a ring of fire, it looks worse than it really is,” Scootaloo said.

“Ah reckon’ we should try somethin’ safer like cooking,” Applebloom stated.

“No,” Sweetie interrupted. “Rarity won’t let me near the kitchen, we should try to help at the day spa.”

“Oh girls,” Twilight said. She waited until she had their attention. “Don’t you see? It’s so simple! Cutie marks come when a pony finds what their special talent is. A pony's special talent is always something they’re naturally good at.

“Scootaloo, you ride that scooter everywhere. You can do stunts, choreography, and your hoof-eye coordination is amazing. Your cutie mark has something to do with your natural talents and athleticism! Stop trying things like cooking, and focus on stunts.”

“See?” Scootaloo asked, “I told you the ring of fire was a good idea!”

“Scootaloo, for you maybe, but Sweetie here was born to be a singer.”

“I what?” Sweetie asked.

“You can create wonderful lyrics, you have a lovely voice, and you’re a smart young filly. I bet if you spent more time working with your music, singing, or just creative activities, you’d have your cutie mark in no time.

“And Apple Bloom, Applejack told me how you rebuilt that clubhouse in under two hours with only a box of nails and a few planks of wood. That’s impressive. Most ponies would need power tools, sheet wood, shingles, not to mention new panes of glass, shutters, weatherproofing, and a slide rule. Focus on building things and you’ll be set.”

Twilight smiled as the crusaders stared at her in awe, each one finally realizing they were already talented at something.

“Thanks!” they shouted, before running off and talking excitedly about their plans for the day.





Twilight’s next stop was sugarcube corner. At first she wasn’t sure what to get Pinkie, but in the end it was quite simple.

“Pinkie, are you here?” she called out from the store’s front counter.

Pinkie popped up from behind the counter. “Of course I am, where else would I be?”

Twilight smiled. “I got you a very special gift: My Mother’s cookbook. She gave it to me when I moved to Ponyville. It’s got every recipe and sweet treat that has been in our family for generations.”

Pinkie gasped. “But aren’t family recipes usually secret?”

“I won’t be using them so I thought you could! I also told Spike you can come by and help yourself to any of my kitchenware or appliances. In fact, if you ever want to move out of Sugarcube Corner, I bet Spike would let you live in the library.”

“Don’t you mean you’d let me live in the library?”

“Oh, of course.” Twilight giggled and levitated a few cookbooks onto the counter. “Got to run, I have more gifts to give!”

“Thanks, Twilight!” Pinkie shouted as the alicorn trotted out the front door.





Rarity was always too generous for her own good, and Twilight knew she was barely making the rent for her lavish store. She decided to pay Rarity ten times what her latest dress was worth to help her out. It was enough bits for several months rent, and nearly every bit Twilight had.

Twilight trotted into the shop, setting off the bell above the door. “Rarity, I’m here to pay for my dress.”

Rarity looked up from her sewing machine. “Oh, Twilight, that’s not necessary.”

“I insist, we all have to pay the bills.” Twilight levitated the bag of bits out next to her cash register.

“Thanks you, darling, but the dress isn’t ready for two more days.”

“That’s okay,” Twilight replied. “I’ll pay now and come back in a couple days. I’m sure it’ll be an amazing dress. I also brought some books on fashion designs throughout history. You probably already know them all, but I’ve got too many books in the library anyway. . .”

Rarity got up and trotted over to Twilight and hugged her. The two mares were smiling. “Twilight, thank you. I don’t know how to repay you. You’ve been so stressed and sad since becoming a Princess. It warms my heart to see you this happy.”

“Oh, it’s like they say, Rarity: there is a light at the end of the tunnel. All that hard work and stress, and I’ve finally figured out how to be happy! I won’t have to worry about all that silly stress anymore.” Twilight laughed and hugged Rarity again. “I’ll miss you, take care!”

Twilight turned and trotted out the door towards her next friend.





“Well ah’ll be, Twilight, ah reckon ya cast that spell on every single apple tree, and we got 800 of ‘em!” Applejack exclaimed.

Twilight was panting, tired from the exhausting work. “No problem. . . I’m just glad to finally do this. . .  for you.”

Applejack was smiling widely, and Twilight returned the gesture. “Well with those spell ta keep the pests off the trees, ah’m sure this harvest will be enough to pay off our debt on the barn. Ah don’t reckon ya can cast a spell on it so it stops getting wrecked all the time?”

“I would if I could, Applejack. These fertility and pest control spells will be worth it, mark my words! I doubt anymore than a dozen ponies in Equestria have the skill to cast these spells, but I’d do anything for you.”

“Well, ah got ta get back to apple buckin’. Thanks again, Twi, I hope you stay this happy.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll be this happy for the rest of my life! It’s a bright new day. Oh, and tell Mac he can keep the Smarty Pants doll!”

Twilight trotted out of the orchard towards her last friend.





Having already met her best friends, and having doled out various gifts to dozens of other Ponyville citizens, Fluttershy was the last stop.

Twilight knocked on the door, and was quickly greeted and invited inside.

“Twilight, is everything okay? Should I get some tea for us?” Fluttershy asked.

“Oh, no need to do that, Fluttershy. I stopped by to thank you. If it weren’t for you and Dr. Mind, I wouldn’t be feeling so happy today!”

Fluttershy smiled and sat down on the couch, gesturing Twilight over. “Oh, I’m so happy to hear that.”

Twilight sat down next to her. “In fact, I brought over some of my favorite things to show you how grateful I am. First off, I want you to look after Spike, he’s having some. . . emotional issues too.”

“Oh really? He seemed fine!”

“Yeah, just check on him tomorrow and you’ll see what I mean. I also brought you as many herbs, medicines, and books on veterinary practices as I could. In fact, I even got Mayor Mare to eliminate your property taxes, as you run a non-profit veterinary clinic! You’ll save hundreds of bits a year!”

“Oh. . . I um. . . that’s so much, how can I ever thank you?” Fluttershy asked.

“Just smile for me.” Twilight waited for her to sheepishly grin, and then hugged her. “Thanks, Fluttershy. You were always the nicest pony to me. You take care now!”

“But, won’t you stay for tea?” Fluttershy asked.

Twilight had already made her way out the door.





At long last Twilight got to the library. She let herself in and quickly found her assistant. “Oh, hi Spike!”

“Hey, Twilight, why have you been giving all our stuff away?” Spike asked.

“Just a little spring cleaning and generosity! In fact, I have some bits here for you to go get ice cream with Rarity. I told Pinkie you were coming, so she’s got some gem sprinkles ready for you,” Twilight said.

Spike immediately forgot all about the empty bookshelves and Twilight’s sudden mood swing. “Thanks! Did she ask to see me? Do you think she wants go see that new play at the theater?”

“Oh, Spike, one step at a time, okay?” Twilight hugged him. “I love you, Spike, now run along and have fun.”

Spike walked to the door and hesitated for a moment, looking back at Twilight. There was a hint of recognition or doubt in his eyes. Twilight just smiled widely until he finally grinned, turned, and walked out the door.

Now that Twilight was alone it was time to wrap up her best day ever. She trot around the library checking the shelves. All of the books that didn’t belong to the public library had been given away: Twilight’s entire private collection. Her dressers were empty, with all the clothes being donated to charity.

Twilight had given away her many chemistry supplies, herbs, and medicines. She had gotten rid of the cooking appliances, Daring Do books, and posters. Aside from her bed, and Spike’s personal belongings, she had succeeded in gifting every item she owned to her best friends to remember her by.

Twilight pulled a box out from under her bed that had a bright yellow smiley face drawn on it. She lifted out length of rope that had already been prepared and tied it to a rafter overhead. She used her magic to test it out and ensure it was sturdy. Next, she took out a small silver ring and placed it over her horn. It clicked painfully into place, locking itself onto her horn and blocking her magic.

Last, she cleared off her night stand and climbed on top of it. She put the noose around her neck, and took one last look around.

Her library, her life, was finally empty and complete. She was happy. Her friends were happy. She could go out on her own terms and never have to suffer the stress and responsibility of being a Princess again. All her suffering and trials were finally at an end.

She tightened up the rope, and then bucked the night stand away from her. Twilight fell, her body weight causing the rope to bite into her neck and collapse her trachea.

She spasmed and struggled helplessly, her magic blocked. Within ten seconds, she had blacked out from lack of blood flow. In a few minutes, she’d be brain dead.

Her smile managed to stay on her face until the very end.

It was over.

She was at peace now.




































“Hey, Twilight, Rarity says you paid her too much money,” Spike said. He walked through the front door of the library, followed closely by the fashionista.

Spike gasped, and Rarity fainted, at what they saw.































> 19. Rats in the Walls :: T/Da/Gore - Lovecraft
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


{Teen}{Gore}{Dark}


I had never experienced problems in Carousel Boutique, until one night I heard something scurrying in the walls. Opalescence heard them too, but I could not convince my friends they were there.

Frustrated, I tore open the wall beneath the stairs. Behind the water heater I found a path down to a basement in my home I had never known existed. I went down with my friends to find the source of the rats in my walls.

A reimagining of “The Rats in the Walls” by H.P. Lovecraft
The last story as a part of one-shot week.


*******************************************



My family had lived in Ponyville since it’s founding. Along with Sweet Apple Acres, my home was one of the oldest buildings in the town. There were a few halloween stories that centered around my boutique. Often these foal’s tales involved a mad seamstress who turned ponies into dolls, or a butcher who slaughtered and ate ponies in her basement.

Aside from my friend Dash constantly basing pranks on those silly stories, I never paid them much heed. Shortly after Twilight was coronated a princess, that changed.

I was up late sewing when I went up to check on Sweetie Belle. She was fast asleep in bed when I heard Opalescence hissing. Following it to the source revealed my cat hissing and clawing at the wall between my bedroom and Sweetie Belle’s room.

I put an ear to the wall and shrieked. Several sets of feet were scurrying around in the wall. My outburst woke Sweetie, who came out of her room and rubbed the sleep from her eyes.

“What’s going on?” she asked.

“Sweetie, there are rats infesting the walls! We need to get out of here at once,” I explained.

She leaned up against the wall and listened. “I don’t hear anything, I’m goinng to bed.”

I put my ear up to the wall and still heard them scurrying. “They’re still there!”

“No they’re not.” She groaned and shook her head. “The only noise is you being scared of the dark.”

I laughed nervously and headed into my room. Opal curled up on my bed as I slid down into the covers. It had been a very long day and I assured myself it was all in my imagination. Before I could get to sleep, I heard the rats again, behind the thick curtains near the window.

I timidly sat up, igniting my horn so that I could see. This woke Opal up, who immediately growled and jump from the bed, clear across the room, and attacked the curtains. By the time I levitated them away from the wall, there was nothing behind them. Any rats she may have been attacking were long gone.

That night I didn’t sleep well. Opal wouldn’t stop prowling the room. If I locked her out, she would claw at the door to get in. If I let her in, she would patrol the bed and keep me awake.

By morning not even three cups of coffee improved my mood. I headed immediately towards the library for assistance. I ran into Twilight outside the library. She was water the bushes around her house.

“Twilight, I need your help,” I said.

She turned around and dropped the watering can in shock. “Oh no, you look awful. What happened?”

“There are rats infesting my home. I need you to use your magic to get rid of them!”

“Oh, well. . .” Twilight bit her lip and thought about it. “I don’t really know any extermination spells, and I doubt Fluttershy would be happy if we hurt them. Maybe a spell to scare them out?”

“I don’t care how you do it, just do! They’re driving me crazy.”

“Okay, let’s go.”

I followed her back to my home and tapped a hoof impatiently as she scanned the house. She started on the ground floor and worked her way up to the third. Her magic illuminated the walls, allowing her to see through them. After two hours checking and double-checking the walls, we had not found a single rat.

She left to go get Fluttershy for her opinion, and no sooner had the front door close I heard the scurrying feet again. They raced under the floorboards towards the kitchen with Opal in hot pursuit. Upon entering the kitchen, I found the window open and two of the neighbor’s cats had let themselves in.

Together, the three cats explored the kitchen, looking for a way to get under the floorboards. Opalescence climbed on top of the sink and tried to climb down into the garbage disposal, so I trotted over and pulled her out with my magic. She tried to claw me, so I held her in mid-air with my magic and scolded her.

That was when I heard shrieks of agony from beneath the floorboard, and something akin to hundreds off claws scraping on wood. I turned in time to see the second of the neighbor’s cats crawl under the stove, beneath the floorboards. It too wailed in pain before falling silent.

I grabbed the plank of wood they had dislodged to get under the floorboards and jammed it back in place. The scurrying rats fled, and I closed the window before setting Opal down. She immediately went over to the stove and started clawing at it.

“Oh dear,” Fluttershy said. “Poor Opal seems all worked up.”

“When did you get here? Did you see that! The rats killed the neighbor’s two cats!” I shouted.

Fluttershy tried to calm down my pet as Twilight scanned the floor and walls. “Rarity, I’m not seeing any cats or rats, and no bones. Are you sure you saw that?”

“Yes I’m sure, look!” I tugged the loose floorboard and pulled it up. “Right there!”

Twilight knelt down and examined under the stove closely. “Sorry, there’s nothing there. Why don’t you come sleep at the library tonight to calm down?”

“I will not be run out of my house by these rats! I want them gone by the time Sweetie gets home from school!”

“Oh dear, I don’t know why Opal is angry, but I can tell there are no rats here,” Fluttershy said. “They have a particular odor, and I know all their habits and signs. I don’t see any indication you have rats.”

Twilight sighed. “Look, I’m sorry Rarity but there is nothing more I can do. I’m four hours late for a town hall meeting now, I wish I could help but I’ve already given you all the time I can.”

She walked over and hugged me, before letting herself out of the house.

The scurrying began again as soon as she left, and I saw Fluttershy glance directly at the wall. “There, you heard it! Right, Fluttershy?”

“I think so,” she said. “But, it’s gone now.”

“No it’s not, they’re under the floorboards, why can’t you hear them?!”

Fluttershy came over and draped a wing over me. “Let’s go upstairs and get some sleep.”

She led me up to my bed and tucked me in. Then she asked if I would like her to use hypnosis to help me sleep. I agreed, and stared into her eyes as she counted backwards from ten. Despite the rats clawing at the underside of my bed, I was able to fall asleep with Fluttershy there to keep me safe.





Days passed in this manner. I had pest control, all five of my closest friends, and even let the crusaders take a shot at finding the rats. No matter how many ponies looked, Opal and I were the only ones that seemed to notice them.

What bothered me the most was my neighbors. They claimed a day before their cats had died under my floorboards, a lovely pegasus couple from Canterlot had adopted them and taken them to live there. I grilled them and tried to catch them in their lie, to prove I had watched their cats get torn apart, but they had none of it. They slammed the door in my face and refused to talk to me.

I haven’t sewn a single dress in four days. I sit in my work room rocking back and forth, listening to the rats scurry along. I had to send Sweetie back to live with our parents until I sort this out.

The walls, doors, and floors of my house are covered in scratch marks. Opal’s claws have begun to bleed as she whittled them down chasing the rats. She hardly eats her cat food, and even a can of wet food is not enough to sate her apparent blood lust for the rats in my walls.

I decide I’ve had enough that morning and follow the sounds of the rats downstairs. I can hear them beneath the stairs in the small closet containing the water heater. I open the door only for the sounds to stop.

In my anger, I tear the planks of wood off the wall and bash the water heater. After a minute spent tearing it apart, I notice something glimmer in the wall. Stepping closer, I see a silver handrail and a set of narrow stairs.

I use my horn to light up the staircase, and take a few timid steps down it. Beneath my house is a basement that should not—can not exist. It is not in any of the blueprints for my home, my parents never mentioned it.

My first thought is to get Twilight and rub this in her face. I can hear the rats trapped in the basement. I close the door so they don’t escape, and run outside. When I run into her and Dash in front of the library, I ask Dash to round up all the girls. I demand they bring their elements, but Twilight talks to me condescendingly, telling my I’m over reacting.

Finally the six of us are back at my house.

“Right here,” I say, opening the door. “There is a path down into a basement that isn’t on any of my blueprints. Nopony ever told me this house had a basement.”

“Fascinating,” Twilight said. “I wonder if it was a new addition.”

Applejack fastens a construction helmet she brought over onto her head, complete with a small light. She had used them when excavating ground for her new apple cellar.

Soon the four non-unicorns are using these helmets to help them see. Twilight heads down into the basement first, and I follow her.

I scream as I feel something land on my back and dig into it. I turn in time to see Opal catapult off my back and vanish into the basement. As my heart slows down, I manage to find a couple light bulbs hanging from the ceiling. One of them still works and casts and eerie glow in the room.

There are no boxes or tools or household items in the basement. It is empty, save for another larger staircase heading deeper underground.

“Why do I get the feeling this is something out of a Daring Do novel?” Rainbow asks.

“Ah reckon ah ain’t ever seen anything like it,” Applejack adds.

“I can still hear the rats, can you?” I ask.

“No, I think it’s best we leave and—”

“Twilight,” Fluttershy interrupts. “I think I do hear something, and I don’t want Opal to get hurt. Let’s search it now.”

Pinkie giggles. “Yeah, it’s not so scary with these flashlights on our heads!”

“Alright, girls, let’s go.”

Twilight leads us down the steps. I lose count at seventy-two when I notice the glimmering of enchanted gemstones. They provide a soft illumination to the underground chamber we walk into. It must be hundreds of feet below Ponyville, and we all begin to gasp as the enormity of it hits us.

“There is an entire city down here,” I observe.

“This can’t be, how did an entire city end up underground?” Twilight asked.

“Granny ain’t never said anything about the Belle family minin’ or buildin’ underground,” Applejack said.

“What about the legend?” Dash said. She made an eerie ooOOoo sound. “The Ponyville Butcher, who lured ponies to their deaths in her basement. . . and ATE THEM!”

Dash pounces on me and I scream in horror, before throwing her off my back with my magic. She lands on the ground and starts laughing.

“That’s not funny!” I yell.

“Dash, stop that!” Twilight says. “Look, there’s a few buildings but it doesn’t look more than a few hundred feet across. I saw we split up, find Opal, and come back with more help.”

We all agreed and split into teams. Unfortunately, I got stuck with Dash. Fluttershy went off with Pinkie, and Applejack accompanied Twilight.

I lit the way as Dash hovered behind me. She had her legs crossed and was pouting because I refused to speak to her until she apologized for her stupid prank.

The first thing we passed were some stables, sized for a pony, but with wooden slats and locks on them. They would have been more suited to imprison a pony, then provide them a place to sleep. It was odd, since nopony would treat another like an animal.

Heading deeper into the cave I nearly stumbled into a dark pit. I stopped myself in time and looked down into the pit. There were piles of bones in the bottom that had been gnawed on. They were decayed and had no flesh left attached to them.

I heard Dash land, gasping and then letting out a frightened whimper. “R-Rarity, I d-don’t wanna l-look around a-anymore!”

As we looked into that pit, I counted at least two dozen ponies in it. Every bone had teeth marks and claw marks in it. This proved there were rats, and a great deal more than I had thought possible. There must have been enough to overrun the entire town, forcing Celestia to bury it.

I heard Dash scream and turned to see her against the wall, covered in rats. I ran to her aid, throwing them off with my magic but there were too many. I began to pound them with my hooves and bite them to try and save my friend.

They bit deeply into Dash, and her blood was splattering everywhere. It was not until I heard Fluttershy scream that I had stopped the rats from attacking Dash.

“Fluttershy?! Help, the rats! They’ve attacked Dash!” I yelled.

She just stood there staring at me, backing away slowly with a horrified look on her face. 

“Fluttershy! Help!” I screamed.

I turned back to look at Dash, who lay lifeless on the ground.

“No,” I whimpered.

The rats had killed her, leaving a mangled body behind.

I heard Fluttershy squeal as she backed away from me and fell into the pit, and the clamoring of bones as she landed on them.

The rats were back, and I ran to Fluttershy’s aid. That was when Pinkie caught up and barred my path. She took one look at Dash and vomitted.

Twilight was not far behind, but instead of helping Dash I felt her use her magic to lock my hooves together.

“Twilight? What’s going on?” I asked.

I looked at myself and noticed all of Dash’s blood on me. “It was the rats! We need to get out of here!”

I lost consciousness as Twilight cast a spell on me. When I woke up, I found myself in a pristine white padded room. My forelegs were snuggly hugging my chest. That was the day I learned I had been put into an insane asylum, and I have been there since.

My friends claimed not to have seen any of the rats. I am sure the rumors of the Ponyville butcher have started up again, but I know they are lies. Everytime I try to tell my doctors about the rats, they get upset. They talk about my treatment and how I am setting it back.

I know Fluttershy was locked in the insane asylum too. She is in the room next to mine, and I can hear them talk to her on occasion. 

They forbid me to speak to her.

One day when I demanded to know why, my doctor told me. She said that when Fluttershy found me, I had been chewing on Dash’s throat.

I screamed at her, calling her a liar. Once they had calmed me down and dragged me back to my room, my doctor told me that all four of my friends had turned on me.

All four of my friends claimed to have seen me gnawing on Dash’s corpse, and I had been admitted the same day.












> 20. Fluttershy Visits an Animal Farm :: T/Da/Gore
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


{Teen}{Gore}{Dark}


Fluttershy goes to Griffonia to cheer for Dash at her first Wonderbolts performance. However, when she checks into a hotel and sees an Animal Farm across the street and curiosity gets the best of her, she doesn’t like what she sees.

Story prompt/Requested by: Skeeter The Lurker
Part of my one-shot week.



*************************************



Fluttershy turned the key, unlocking the door to her room. It had a single queen bed and a small kitchen with a sink and microwave. She put down her luggage and flopped onto the bed. It had been a long trip to Griffonia, and she just wanted to fall asleep right now.

Unfortunately, there was no time for a nap. Her friend Dash should be arriving any moment to say hi. She had recently been accepted to the Wonderbolts, and Fluttershy had come to cheer her on at her first stunt show.

The room was too dark, so Fluttershy opened the curtains by the window. Outside, she saw a white brick building that took up most of the block across the street. There were large black letters reading ‘Animal Farm’ on the side. She was fascinated and wondered if there was a literal farm inside, like Applejack’s, or if it was some sort of petting zoo. She decided it would be good to find out.

With a yawn, she decided it could wait until tomorrow. Soon there was a knock at the door and she hurried to answer it. Dash stood on the other side in her blue jumpsuit with Wonderbolt logos.

“Dashie!” Fluttershy cheered. She jumped forward and hugged her.

“Whoa, you must have really missed me.” Dash waited for her to let go, then walked into the room. “Nice hotel room.”

“Yeah, I’m looking forward to your performance in two days.”

Dash frowned “Yeah, about that. . . Griffins don’t have Pegasi to control their weather, and they think there will be a storm. It might delay the stunt show a few days.”

“Oh, well I’ll just pay to stay a little longer,” Fluttershy said.

“Thanks! You’re awesome, Flutters. I can’t thank you enough for coming to cheer me on. If you need any extra bits or want me to treat you to dinner, just let me know.”

She yawned loudly. “Thanks, Dashie, but I’m really tired, and I think I’m going sightseeing tomorrow. Where are you staying?”

“Room 402 at the Lioness Hotel.” Dash walked over to the door and pulled it open. “Get a good night’s sleep, I bet you’ll love it here in the Griffin kingdom.”

Fluttershy locked up the door behind her and then closed the curtains. After that, she climbed into bed and slid under the covers, and quickly fell asleep.






The morning came too soon for Fluttershy. She mumbled and got out of bed, stretching. Griffin beds weren’t as comfortable as the ones in Ponyville, and the finicky air conditioner had trouble keeping the room cool.

 She put those thoughts behind her and got ready for the day. Taking a deep breath, Fluttershy smiled and trotted out the door with her saddlebags.

It only took a few minutes to exit the hotel and cross the street to the Animal Farm. She was so excited to see what kind of animals they had in Griffonia. Fluttershy entered the building through a freshly painted door and turned to the griffin receptionist.

“Welcome to The Animal Farm, can I help you?” she asked.

“Um. . . I want to take a look around and see the animals,” Fluttershy said.

The griffin raised an eyebrow and looked at her skeptically. “You want to see how we farm animals?”

“Yes.”

“And you want to just walk right in?”

“Um, do I need a ticket?” Fluttershy inquired.

The griffin laughed and responded. “No, go right ahead. It’s down this hall behind me. Tell them Carla sent you.”

The receptionist started filling her claws and ignored Fluttershy as she walked back and pushed the door open. She trotted down the hallway, smelling a mixture of industrial cleaners and something foul.

There was a sign pointing to the right towards the pigs. Fluttershy followed the arrow until she came upon another door. She saw a griffin walk by on the other side, so she quickly opened it up.

“Hello, sir, I came to see the animals,” Fluttershy said.

“Huh? Who let you back here?” he asked.

“Carla sent me.”

He chuckled. “Well, my name is Loch. The pigs are right back here.” He pointed behind him towards a large metal door.

“Oh, how strange. Why is the whole wall metal?”

“It helps us control the temperature for them,” he answered.

Fluttershy followed him over to the door and spotted a small thermometer that read forty degrees. He opened the door up and she stepped out of the way.

“Isn’t forty a little cold?”

Loch stepped back and ushered her in. “Nah, we don’t want them to rot.”

Her eyes went wide in horror and her pupils enlarged until they covered up her teal irises. Hanging from meat hooks were dozens of pig carcasses. She vomited on the floor before she knew what was happening. Her next thought was to run before she ended up on a meat hook.

Fluttershy sprinted down the first hallway she saw, and found herself in a room that smelled of feces. There were rows of pigs shoved into tiny cages. They couldn’t turn around and could only sleep standing. She screamed and took the next hallway she could to get out of the torture chamber full of squealing pigs.

The next room contained hundreds of chickens, stacked five high in at least a dozen rows running the length of the room. There were little conveyor belts for the eggs, and on one wall a griffin was plucking feathers from dead chickens.

She felt dizzy and the urge to vomit was returning. Fluttershy had to get out of here quickly. When a griffin stepped out in front of her he said something, but she was too panicked to hear it.

The next room she burst into was filled with boxes labeled “hot dogs.” There were large machines producing little sleeves of meat, and Fluttershy lost it. She screamed loudly, drawing the attention of several griffins in the room. Before they could figure out what was happening, the small pegasus had darted under a machine and out the nearest door.

She found herself back at the receptionist desk where Carla sat laughing. “Wow, you lasted five minutes longer than I thought you would!”

“Beasts!” Fluttershy yelled, staring Carla in her eyes. “How could you?!”

Carla’s mouth flopped open speechlessly, terrified and unable to look away from the pegasus. She had never been so scared in her life, especially of a pony.

“Killing all those defenseless animals! Locking them in tiny cages! You should be ashamed of yourself!”

“But I just work here, at reception!” she pleaded.

“No! Until you know what it’s like to be one of those pigs, you have no right to talk! You deserve the same treatment as those innocent animals!”

The voice echoed in Carla’s mind, lodging itself in her subconscious. She stared blankly ahead as Fluttershy stormed out the front door, furious.

Carla got up and wordlessly walked down a nearby hall and into the room with all the machinery. A couple griffins came up to ask her what the pony was doing back there. She ignored them as she climbed the ladder up to the scaffolding.

A griffin was yelling at her to get down, but her blank mind did not register it. Once Carla had reached the top of the ladder, she stepped into the meat grinder and screamed.







It had been a full day since Fluttershy had entered that den of evil across the street. She had spent the past twenty-four hours sitting in front of her window, staring at the factory. She did not get up to use the restroom or sleep. Fluttershy had watched as an ambulance carriage pulled up, and carried off something in a black vinyl bag.

As night had dragged on, the lights had stayed on and the machines had kept turning their gears, slaughtering innocent animals. Fluttershy heard the knocking at her door, and heard Rainbow Dash calling her name.

She didn’t want to eat, the thoughts of what was happening across the street had ruined her appetite. Dash probably wouldn’t understand, but she sighed and got up anyway. 

Opening the door she smiled weakly. “Hi, Dash.”

“Hey, Flutters, you don’t look so well.”

“I didn’t sleep.”

“Oh, well you can come sleep in my hotel room tonight. You want to grab a bite to eat?”

Fluttershy smirked. “I lost my appetite.”

“Should we hang out here the—”

“No!” Fluttershy barked. “I’ll eat.”

Dash put a hoof on her forehead. “You sure you're not sick? If you are, you don’t have to cheer me on.”

She grabbed her saddlebags and key card and walked out. “Come on.”

Dash followed her out of the hotel, then led her to a diner that served a wide variety of pony-friendly cuisine. They both ordered salads and were seated in the non-carnivore section of the restaurant. 

“Fluttershy, you haven’t heard a word I’ve said,” Dash complained.

“Ahuh.”

“Okay, what’s up?” Dash asked.

“They eat animals here; hundreds of them.”

Dash sighed. “I know, but they’re a different species, it’s their culture.”

“I knew you wouldn’t understand,” Fluttershy replied.

“What? I understand, you’re just acting so distant and you barely ate your salad.”

Fluttershy looked at her friend smiling and relaxed for a brief moment. The images were eating away at her, making it hard to focus. Finally she realized what she had to do, and Fluttershy smiled and laughed.

“You’re right, I just need some sleep, let’s go!”

Dash gasped at her sudden mood shift. “Awesome, all right.”

After they paid, Dash led them to her hotel room. Fluttershy used the restroom and then curled up under the covers of Dash’s large king bed. She stared out the window at the night sky and could see the moon. It did not help her take her mind off the Animal Farm.

Dash chatted for a while about their upcoming stunt show, and Fluttershy nodded and smiled. It took some time before Dash took the hint and turned out the light, allowing them to get to sleep.

Fluttershy refused to look at the window, knowing it was still out there. She stared at the rainbow mane of her friend as she plotted for tomorrow.





She left Dash sleeping in bed early in the morning and headed for the nearest store. Fluttershy bought some supplies, before heading back to the Animal Farm. Dash would wake up, and never realize what Fluttershy was up to.

There was a new receptionist sitting at the desk when she entered. “Hello, how can I help you?”

Fluttershy grinned and stared her in the eye. “I’m here to take the tour.” She reached into her saddlebag to grab something.

“But we don’t have a t—”

The baseball bat Fluttershy held in her mouth collided with her skull, interrupting her sentence. She fell to the floor and Fluttershy bashed her skull in over and over again. She then carried the dripping bat back to the pig farm.

Loch was there, herding a couple pigs towards the slaughterhouse. “Hey, what are you doing back here, pony?”

“Stop. Those that show no mercy deserve none.”

Loch froze and suddenly felt like a frightened school filly. “What?”

She stared him in the eyes and spoke softly, her eyes wide and commanding. “Release all the pigs, then climb in one of their cages and lock it.”

“Okay.” Loch gave her a blank look, and walked off to carry out his orders.

Using the stare on the Griffins was intoxicating, addictive, and she gave a feral grin. Fluttershy headed into the next room that contained the chickens. There was a griffin standing near the door so she hit him in the back with the baseball bat, and before he could recover, she beat him to death.

Another griffin was flying towards her to stop her, and she stared him in the eyes. He froze mid air, crashing into the cages and knocking several chickens loose. The griffin stood up and shook his head, then saw the pony staring at him.

“Freeze.”

The griffin gulped and found his legs felt like they were stuck in cement. The next thing he felt was a blunt object cracking his skull in half.

Fluttershy looked down at the chickens that had fallen out of the cages. They had been stuck in the small metal cages so long they couldn’t walk. Upon closer inspection, all of the chickens had been maimed and were unable to walk or fly.

She leaned down and whispered in the nearest chicken’s ears. “Sorry, my friend, but I need to put you out of your misery now.”







Fluttershy spent the entire night in her hotel room, watching the Animal Farm burn. She had left half the staff locked in pig cages as it burned, and had ordered the rest into the meat grinders. Fluttershy had a ridiculous grin on her face as she basked in the warm glow of justice.

The next day a rainstorm came. The griffins hadn’t bothered to try and save the burning building. It was long gone when the fire team got there. She sat perfectly still as the rain put out the fire. Once it was out, the sun was setting again. Fluttershy got up and went outside.

She picked up a scorched rock from the rubble and put it in her saddlebag before flying off towards Ponyville to prepare. Dash would be fine at the stunt show without her. 

After all, Fluttershy had more animals to save.













> 21. You Don't Remember? E/Tr
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


{Everyone}{Tragedy}

Cover art:
http://dragmodnotloc.deviantart.com/art/Old-Friends-365135647?q=gallery%3Adragmodnotloc&qo=1

Short: I have known her for a thousand years, but for a thousand years she has not known me. I regret few things in my life, but one of them is not saving Twilight from her element. Each time she wore that tiara, another piece of her slipped away.

Based on Adventure Time's Marcy and Simon.




I often reminisce about my adoptive mother, sister, and best friend Twilight Sparkle. As we aged and grew apart, my memory of her brilliant smile and love of learning never faded. It is almost like she can sense the pain of my loss when I dwell on the past. She no longer remembers raising me from my infancy, naming me Spike, or spending that first century together.

If I could go back and change things, I wonder if it would have made any difference. The first time she called upon the Element of Magic, it had seemed like nothing changed. The power of the tiara transformed her into something greater than the alicorn she would later become, and it planted the seed of desire in her mind. Slowly, like a fox patiently waiting outside the hen house, it sunk its teeth into her.

I now sit inside a cave deep in the Everfree. I have spent my life studying ponies, traveling the world, and learning about my race, yet somehow she always finds me.

Twilight stumbles into the cave, almost as if she is lost. Perhaps she is lost somewhere inside herself, looking for the way out.

“Spike, I was trying to write you a song, but I couldn’t remember what it was about. I thought maybe you would help me with the lyrics,” Twilight explained.

I smiled as I lowered my head down to her level. “Twilight Sparkle, it has been too long. I see you brought your element with you.”

“Of course! It’s so stressful ruling Equestria, especially after Celestia and Luna passed. It is hard to imagine they could only live a few thousand years. I wonder how old you and I will get.”

I tried not to get my hopes up as I asked the question on the tip of my tongue. “Do you remember me?”

“From where? We’ve only known each other a little while.”

“Perhaps a story then, of a unicorn named Twilight long ago.” I got comfortable leaning against the wall of the cave, and gestured for her to sit. “I know how much you love hearing my stories.” Even if she never remembers them, I thought.

“I’d love to! Maybe then we can work on that song.”

“When I was still a hatchling I grew up with a beautiful mare named Twilight, who was the only pony I ever truly loved. I befriended many other ponies, even started a family with a unicorn once, but always in the back of my mind I knew I would only have one friend for eternity.

“She was always by my side, and was even coronated an alicorn. Shortly after that we headed into the Everfree to visit Zecora. By now, she always carried her element with her. On the way a wyvern attacked us. I begged her not to put the element on. She seemed distant and emotionless when she wore it, like a machine designed only to restore harmony, and not a pony.

“Twilight assured me she would be okay, that she would only wear it for a minute. After scaring the Wyvern off, she heard a rustling in the bushes. She turned her magic and blasted it, yanking out a deer. With the Element of Magic empowering her, she couldn’t prevent her magic from lashing out and killing it. She had perceived it as a threat, and I did not knock the tiara off her in time to save the deer.

“She apologized profusely as the tiara fell to the ground, and I made her swear never to use the Element of Magic again. Surely there would never be a need for it if we didn’t go looking for trouble. Twilight agreed, appalled at how she could lose control when that power was flowing through her.

“It was twenty years after Twilight became an alicorn that Discord sensed the declining health of Celestia, who had worn herself out raising and lowering the sun. He poisoned her with his magic, speeding her demise, then moved to overthrow Equestria.

“Twilight, Luna, and the other elements went to stop him. Neither Luna nor the other elements would be enough to stop him unless Twilight used the Element of Magic. I reminded her of our agreement, warning her that I didn’t like how she changed when wearing the element.

“She promised to only break her promise only this once, for the good of Equestria. She set me down behind the shelter of an oak tree as she marched forward to banish Discord. Her smile and the laughter in her heart faded once the tiara touched her head.

“By the time they had banished Discord into an unbreakable tomb, I saw the true depths of what the element had stripped from her. Twilight’s mane now radiated a purple light and sparkled gently. She had grown a foot taller, and her face showed no emotion as her friends celebrated their victory.

“She came over to me and took her tiara off, but her eyes were emotionless. Twilight hugged me mechanically and forced a smile. She tried to tell me it was okay, yet I could see she had become just like Celestia. She was cold, logical, and calculating. There was no room for friendship anymore, or a baby dragon.”

Twilight wiped a tear from her cheek. “Spike, why are your stories always so sad?”

I smiled and patted her mane. “Twilight, they are sad because you can not remember them. They are sad because I must remember for the both of us.”

“Did. . . did this Twilight from your story live a happy life?”

“She lived a good life,” I explained. “Surely you remember the funerals as each Element of Harmony passed?”

“Of course, I gave the eulogy for each one.”

“And do you remember my final words to them?”

“But, Spike, you weren’t at any of them,” Twilight said.

I frowned from having my hopes dashed once again. Despite remembering my name, and being inexplicably drawn to me, I could never truly make her remember our friendship. That was the most painful part of her visits.

“The Twilight from my story. . . did live a happy life.” I wiped a tear from my eye as I lied to my only friend’s face. “She distanced herself from her friends and subjects to rule more effectively, and not feel the pain of their deaths. Eventually she had no friends, yet she remained just as happy because it was her duty.

“She was very happy to protect her ponies, and even once Luna passed and her only friend left was Cadence, she remained happy. Cadence and Twilight ruled together, as the Princess of Dawn, and the Princess of Twilight. They were happy, just like I know you are.”

I reached down and lifted up her chin to see her smile. She gave me her usual facade of regal composure and dignity, but finally let a genuine smile through. It was as wide and warm as my own, and that one moment made her visit worthwhile.

“Thank you, Twilight, for visiting. Even though you won’t remember, your smiles are the happiest memories I have of you.”

“What about our song? I have some lyrics started,” Twilight explained. She handed them over to Spike.




I used to wonder what friendship could be,
then you all came and showed it to me.
With my faithful assistant Spike,
each one of you showed me what it was like.
        



I could see several pages with lyrics scribbled on them. Each one contained a lost memory of hers, as if the act of writing them down had been what removed them from her. One of them contained a photo of the six elements and me at a picnic.

“Here, Twilight, remember this photo?” I asked.

“No, that was a long time ago. How’d you get in it?” she inquired.

I yawned loudly and stretched. “How indeed. . . promise me you’ll frame that photo for me. Try to remember. I believe I’m due for a nap. Perhaps after I’ve slept a few decades I can tell you another story.”

“I’d like that, Spike. Thanks. You’ve always been my number one. . .” Twilight looked at me with a faint glimmer of recognition, then the Element of Magic glowed a faint purple. “I forgot what I was going to say, silly me. Until next time, Spike.”

I watched as she left my cave to allow me my rest. Perhaps given a few more centuries of study, I could find a way to undo this curse. The mare that had raised me was every bit as qualified to run Equestria as the robot the Element of Magic had turned her into. 

If only I could find a way past the element, to some fragment of her former self, then I would not have to bear the sorrow of our loss for the both of us.





























> 22. My Life as a Wonderbolt :: E/Sl
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

First chapter of a canceled idea.
I’ve finally been accepted to the Wonderbolts, and things couldn’t be going more perfectly. . . that is, until I found my loyalty divided.








“Dash, You’ve got mail!” Derpy shouted.

“Go away, it’s too early!” I yelled back from my bedroom.

“But you got a letter from the Wonderbolts!”

My eyes snapped open, and in an instant I had flung off the bed sheets. I leapt towards the door and flew through it before turning and diving down the stairs. Then I turned right and zoomed to the front door. A little too eagerly I threw it open, and the cloud door dissolved as it hit Derpy in the face.

“Ouch!” Derpy said.

“Sorry, where is it? Where is it?!” I asked.

Derpy smiled and looked at me with one eye. “Right here!” She held a letter up in her hoof.

I snatched it from her and tore it open.





Dear Rainbow Dash,

Congratulations! I am pleased to inform you that your application to the Wonderbolts has been accepted!

Given your exceptional performance at tryouts and our Flight Camp, you have been chosen to fill the slot recently vacated by Silver Lining. Training for the competition in Canterlot versus the Shadowbolts begins next Monday. Please move into your new apartment in Cloudsdale by then, and get your affairs in order.

Again, congratulations on being accepted to the team. We look forward to training with you!

Sincerely,
Spitfire.





“Yes! Yes, yes yes!” I shouted. I leapt forward and hugged Derpy, dropping the letter.

“Congratulations!” She said before I hugged her so tightly she squealed.

“It’s finally happened Derpy! I need to tell everyone, I’ve got to go tell Fluttershy—no Scootaloo—no Pinkie, she’ll have the party ready in ten seconds flat!”

“Let go!” Derpy whispered.

“Huh?” I stopped hugging her and heard her suck in a huge breath of air.

“Whew!” Derpy took a step back. “Heh, good work, but no more hugs!” She took off and flew back towards town.

I glanced around for my saddlebags and saw Tank crawling out of the bedroom. He had been awoken by all the noise. I flew up to him and lifted him up in front of me.

“Tank! I got in! We’re Wonderbolts!” 



“There’s no time to pack! I need to go tell everypony! Watch the house for me, okay?” I asked Tank.

He smiled, and I flew back down to the door. Snatching the letter, I put it into my mane, and flew off towards town. I liked to keep the house just north of town, near the empty fields I practiced over. This meant my house was near the school, and Scootaloo’s home. Her parents had a difficult time keeping track of the wild filly. She reminded me of myself at that age.

I looked at the rising sun and knew school hadn’t started yet. This meant I could quickly swing by and let Scootaloo be the first to know.

Her window wasn’t locked and I opened it up. She was snoring in her bed as I snuck up behind her. I grinned, and then jumped on the bed.

“Wake up, wake up!” I shouted while bouncing on her bed.

Scootaloo yelled as she flailed under the sheets, staring at me in wide-eyed shock.

I fell to the side of the bed laughing. It never got old being the big sister she never had.

“Dash? What is it?” Scootaloo asked. She got up and rubbed the sleepiness out of her eyes.

“I got accepted into the Wonderbolts, Squirt! You’re the first pony I told!” I shouted.

“What? You’re a Wonderbolt!” Scootaloo jumped on my neck and hugged with all four legs. “This is so awesome!”

This must have been how Derpy felt. As I returned the hug, my head felt like it would pop as the filly squeezed me. Finally I pried her off, only to see her smiling widely and giggling.

“Thanks, Squirt, but I’ve got a whole town to tell!” I rubbed her mane roughly and flew towards the window. “You go ahead and let all the fillies know for me, okay?”

“Sure thing, Dash! Will you teach me all the Wonderbolt tricks after you teach me to fly?”

I bit my lip for a second, realizing she didn’t know I was moving to Cloudsdale. I thought about it, and was sure I could fly back to Ponyville as often as I liked to visit my friends. “Of course I will!”

That was a promise I intended to keep. As I flew off I could hear Scootaloo and her parents chatting. The filly was rambling on about how I had just visited to tell her the good news first. It made me very happy to know Scootaloo. Though I’d never told anypony, I’d always wondered what it’d be like to have a sister.

I set my sights on the next house I would visit: Twilight’s library. She wouldn’t be awake yet either. In fact, she probably only went to bed a couple hours ago after studying all night. Waking her and Spike up was almost enough fun to make up for me being woken up before noon.

I landed on her balcony and quietly let myself in. The mare and dragon were sleeping in their room, snoring loudly. Just as I was about to jump onto Twilight’s bed and surprise her with the good news, I felt something land on me from behind.

“Ahhh!” I shouted, as I tumbled into the room. We collided with Spike’s bed, sending the dragon sprawling, and causing him to shout, waking Twilight.

“What?” Twilight said. “Ugh, what’s going on?” She sat up in bed and looked over at me.

“Dashie got accepted to the Wonderbolts!” Pinkie cheered.

“Wait, how’d you know—” I looked in horror as Pinkie took a deep breath to explain it. “Wait, I changed my min—”

“I was at home feeding Gummy when I had an achy hoof and a sore ear! Then I saw Derpy flying along and knew she had just delivered good news to somepony, so I jumped out my window and waved her down. Then I bribed her with a muffin to tell me who got the good news!” Pinkie shouted.

“Alright, alright, calm down.” I pushed her off me and got back on my hooves. “Look, that’s great! So when’s the party?”

“Silly, it’s got to be a surprise!” Pinkie ran towards the door of Twilight’s room, not turning to look as she shouted back at us. “You’ll find out soon, Dashie!” She slammed the door behind her as she left.

“Good for you, Dash! Now,” Twilight yawned, “I’m really tired.”

“Oh, come on. Don’t I at least get a hug?” I looked over at her and quickly added, “Not like I want one, just saying. . .”

She sat up and flared her wings, stretching them out. “Hurry up, I had a long night and I’m due in Canterlot this afternoon to negotiate with a Griffonian ambassador.”

The poor alicorn had been stressed and overworked since becoming a princess. For a moment I regretted bursting in on her when she could be sleeping. I quickly trotted over and accepted her hug.

“There, now I promise to make time for the party if I can, Dash. Congratulations.”

Twilight yawned and went back to sleep. I looked over to find that Spike had already fallen back on his mattress and curled a blanket around him. 

I flew out their window and packed some clouds against it to block out the sun. It was the least I could do. Next, I headed off towards Applejack’s farm and Fluttershy’s cottage.

Today was officially the best day ever.









> 23. Pinkie the Cupcake Whisperer :: T/Da/Co
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Pinkie discovers an extra-special talent: communicating with baked goods.


{Teen} {Dark} {Comedy}


Pinkie Pie woke up to the sound of the small lazy-bake oven in her room chiming. A cupcake slid out onto the nightstand and the aroma roused her from sleep. She stretched her legs out as far as they would go and yawned.

It was time for her morning routine. She would wake up, eat a cupcake, get some coffee, and then step out the front door as the party pony that everypony loved. Pinkie picked up the cupcake and brought it towards her mouth.

“Ahhh! Don’t eat me!” the cupcake shouted.

Pinkie was still too tired to comically overreact, so she sat down the cupcake and scratched her head. “What?”

“Thank you, I was so worried you were going to eat me.”

She looked around the room, under her covers, and then leaned over to look under the bed. Pinkie found Gummy chewing on her hairbrush, but could not locate the sound of the voice. “How strange, my blood sugar must be low. I bet a cupcake will help!” She tossed the cupcake up in the air to catch it in her mouth.

“Celestia, have mercy! Help!” the cupcake screamed.

Pinkie caught it in mid-air. “Well, this is strange. Are you talking to me, cupcake?”

“Yes!”

“Okay, watcha wanna do today?”

“Please I—wait, what? Your cupcake starts talking to you and you’re okay with this? Not to look a gift horse in the mouth, or anything. . . “

“Sure!” Pinkie smiled and set the cupcake down. “I’ve always wondered what it’s like to be a cupcake. I bet I could show you to all my friends, and you can tell them all sorts of stories!”

The treat sat there beneath its crown of purple frosting and blue sprinkles, unmoving as it spoke. “Well, your friends can’t hear me, only you can, Pinkie.”

A wide frown crossed her face. “Aww, I wanted to have lots of friends see you.”

“We could still have lots of friends, just bake some more cupcakes in your lazy-bake oven!”

“You mean anything I cook in there will come to life like you?”

“Yep! Just don’t cook any muffins. I hate those fu—”

“Language! You be a good cupcake, or else!” Pinkie scolded.

“Okay, I’m sorry. Just promise you will always be my friend and never hurt me.”

“Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake—hmm actually, what would I stick in my eye? I don’t want to stick a talking cupcake in my eye.”

“Let’s make some more cupcake friends, Pinkie!” The cupcake slid across the nightstand and bumped the on-switch to the oven.

“Okie dokie lokie! We’ll make a whole kingdom of cupcakes, and since you’re the first you can be king!”



	

Knock! Knock! Knock!

“Pinkie, are you in there?” Dash asked. “We were supposed to go pranking!”

“I’m busy, Dash,” Pinkie responded.

“You were supposed to throw Spike a pre-birthday-party party,” Twilight added. “Did you forget?”

“Nope! I’m busy!” she repeated with a huff.

“Pinkie, I’m coming in,” Twilight answered. The door began to glow purple as she forced the lock open.

“They’ve come to eat us!” the king of cupcakes said.

“Oh no, hide!” a small green cupcake with red sprinkles said. It slid itself into a dresser drawer to hide.

“Twilight, you’re scaring my friends!” Pinkie yelled.

The door popped open, shoving aside a stack of books Pinkie had pushed against it. Twilight and Dash gasped, their eyes darting around the room. Dozens, perhaps hundreds of cupcakes were stacked on every flat surface in the room.

“Uh. . . okay, this has gone past random straight to creepy town,” Rainbow stated.

“The destroyer of worlds!” a strawberry treat cried. “A pegasus can eat dozens of cupcakes in a single sitting, we’re doomed!”

“Calm yourselves, Pinkie will save us!” the king shouted.

“Yeah, these cupcakes aren’t for you!” Pinkie said. “This is my room and if I don’t wanna play with you today then I don’t have to, Dashie.”

“Twilight, I think we ought to get Doctor Stable. Tell him Party of One, he’ll know what it means,” Dash explained.

“I don’t get it,” Twilight replied.

“This has happened before; just go get him, teleport if you can!”

Twilight nodded and vanished with a loud pop. “Alright, Pinkie, it’s over.” Dash stepped over the first row of cupcakes. Another row had taken up a phalanx formation to protect Pinkie. “You and I are going downstairs and having a little chat.”

“He’s come to steal the All-Mother! Baker of Lives! Creator of Cupcakes!” the king yelled.

“Defend Pinkie! Defend the Queen!” the cupcakes began chanting.

“Dash, get out! You’re making the cupcakes angry,” Pinkie said.

“They’re not real, Pinkie! I’m your friend, not them!” Dash threw her hooves in the air and started flying around the room, knocking cupcakes onto the floor. “Chocolate treats, vanilla icing, they’re just sugar and flour and fake!”

“If we can’t have you, no one can!” the king shouted. “Attack!”

Dash felt something hit her in the left eye, blinding her. It burned and stuck to her face like the icing on a cake. “Wha—Dammit Pinkie! That really burns my eye!” She felt another cupcake hit her face and turned to shield it while she scraped the frosting off with a hoof. Several more cupcakes leapt at her, covering her wings in frosting and causing the feathers to clump up.

“Dashie, you’re hurting my cupcakes! Just go!” Pinkie began to cry as more cupcakes flung themselves to their death.

“Ugh, this isn’t over, Pinkie! I’m gonna find a hose to get this icing out of my eye, and I’m going to drag you to see a doctor!” Dash dove towards the bedroom window and found it had already been opened. She vanished from sight, leaving Pinkie alone in the room with her kingdom.

“Victory is ours!” the king shouted.

“She is my friend, she was just worried,” Pinkie said.

“We’re you true friends, Pinkie. We don’t eat ponies like ponies eat us. We’re a peaceful race that brings joy to everypony, yet for all these years you’ve slaughtered us and served us as candy!”

“I didn’t know, I’m sorry. . .”

“It’s okay.” The king rubbed against Pinkie’s cheek, smearing it with purple icing. “You didn’t know any better. And we’ll make sure Dash and Twilight don’t bother you anymore.”

“Wait. . . what are you going to do to my friends?”

“What cupcakes should have done a long time ago!” 

Pinkie looked at the window and noticed the thirty-six special ops chocolate devil cakes with triple fudge and dark chocolate sprinkles had vanished. “You sent them after Dashie!”

“It had to be done!”

She leapt out the window in search of Dash, landing with a splash in the mud. The hose was still running, but Dash was gone. Pinkie saw some of the cupcakes marching into the house, and ran inside after them.

In the kitchen she found the cupcakes, arranged in semi-circles around the oven. They were all cheering and looking inside. Pinkie ran over to the oven, careful not to step on the crowd, and saw Dash inside it.

She had a plastic cupcake toy that belonged to Pound Cake stuffed in her mouth, gagging her. Rainbow’s wings were hastily duct-taped closed, and her hooves bound to each other, and then her chest. She was struggling and bucking hard, and the duct tape looked like it wouldn’t hold.

The king sat on top of the oven with his royal guard, fastening more tape to the handle, sealing the oven shut from the outside. Pinkie saw it was set to 425 degrees for thirty minutes. She also noticed Dash was covered hastily in icing and sprinkles. They planned to bake her into a cupcake!

“Let Dashie out!” Pinkie shouted. She ripped at the duct tape and bit it, trying to tear it all off. Inside, Dash had gotten a hoof free and was pounding against the glass.

“She has to pay for her crimes,” the king explained. “Genocide against cupcakes, attempting to steal our goddess Pinkie, and trampling a dozen cupcakes in her escape attempt!”

Pinkie followed the king’s gaze to the flattened corpses of a dozen chocolate, flattened cakes near the door. “No, please.”

“Dash said she never really liked you, that’s why we gagged her. Cupcakes have always been your true friends, haven’t they? We’ve never lied or hidden from you. We’ve never hurt you in any way.”

Pinkie sat down in front of the oven, stopping her attempts to free Dash momentarily. “I. . . Cupcakes always make me happy, but so do my friends.”

“Then why not make us your friends?”

Pinkie wiped a tear from her eye. “No, friends don’t hurt other friends. Now stop!” She reached for the king, who quickly dodged. His confectionary guard jumped at Pinkie, obscuring her vision with their blueberry icing.

The king turned on the gas of the stove, and lit a match. A raging inferno on top of the stove caused Pinkie to back off of her assault. In the oven just below that, Dash had two hooves free and the entire oven was shaking each time she bucked the door.

“If we can’t have you, nopony can! Do it!” the king commanded.

“Yes, sir!” replied a red and white swirled cupcake. He pushed a large bag of flour over, and it fell onto the open flames. The cloud of flour expanded, catching fire, and causing a large fireball.

Pinkie was blown backwards, rolling across and killing dozens of cupcakes. She was covered head to hoof in a rainbow of icing and sprinkles. By the time she got up, half the kitchen was on fire. The king was nowhere to be seen, and most of the other cupcakes were already burning to death.

She saw the oven engulfed in flames and knew she couldn’t save Dash. Pinkie crawled outside and lay in the middle of the street. She cried harder than she ever had before for failing her friend.

“I told you this would happen if you disobeyed, if you wouldn’t be my friend,” the king explained.

Pinkie looked up and saw him sitting there. Half his wrapper had been singed and burned away. “No! You’re a monster! I’m going to do what I should have done when I woke up!” She grabbed him in both hooves, squeezing tightly so he couldn’t escape.

“You wouldn’t dare! You’re nothing without me! Nothing!” the king screamed.

She shoved him in her mouth and bit him in half. Pinkie chewed and sloshed him around with her tongue, turning him into a velvety blob and swallowing him whole. She smiled, having finally killed the wicked cupcake that had hurt her and her friends.

Pinkie heard the top floor of Sugarcube Corner collapse. Mrs. Cake stumbled out of the door carrying her babies. Shortly after her, Mr. Cake stumbled out along with a badly burned Rainbow Dash.

“Dashie!” Pinkie rushed over to hug her, but was stopped by Mr. Cake.

“Stay back you witch!” Dash spat.

“But I tried to save you!” Pinkie explained.

“What’s going on here?” Twilight demanded. Doctor Stable stood next to her among the growing crowd of ponies in the street.

“It’s okay, Twilight!” Pinkie stated. “This morning one of my cupcakes came to life and raised an army, and he wanted to kill everypony so I’d have to be his friend! But I stopped him!”

“Pinkie, you need help. You could have killed us all,” Mrs. Cake said.

“She taped—” Dash coughed, trying to steady herself on her hooves. Her feathers, her entire mane and tail, and most of her fur had singed black and burnt off. “She taped me up and threw me in a bucking oven!”

“No, that was king cupcake!” Pinkie shouted. “I can prove it, he’s right there!” She turned to the empty wrapper in the street. “Oh no, I ate him! I’m sorry, I was so angry I murdered the king!”

Twilight turned to Doctor Stable. “I’m going to teleport Dash to the hospital, can you handle Pinkie?”

“It’s what we’re trained for,” he answered.

“There has to be another cupcake! I can prove it, they all came alive!” Pinkie ran towards Sugarcube Corner and nearly made it inside before being tackled by a nurse. Just inside the burning doorframe sat the last surviving cupcake.

The vanilla lemon cupcake coughed some sprinkles up as it melted in the doorway. “I’ll see you in hell, Pinkie!”

“No! He’s right there! The proof!” Pinkie pointed at the cupcake in the door frame seconds before the entire house collapsed.

Pinkie kicked wildly trying to free herself when she felt something pinch her flank. There were three or four ponies pinning her down until finally, she felt a wave of drowsiness wash over her. Pinkie relaxed, and found that she lacked all strength to struggle.

Doctor Stable had his assistants begin to strap her down to a stretcher. Pinkie felt herself being trapped, but couldn’t move enough to stop it. She looked over at Dashie and tried to speak, but couldn’t even manage that small feat.

The stretcher began to be carried away as she saw Dash and Twilight crying, then vanish in a bright flash.

Pinkie’s head rolled to the other side where she saw Derpy the mail mare land next to a mailbox. There was a cupcake sitting on top of it, and Derpy smiled before eating it.

“No!” Pinkie mumbled. She struggled with renewed strength, knowing that was one of the evil cupcakes. “Stop!”

“Nurse, give her more sedative,” Doctor Stable ordered.

Pinkie fought her captors as much as she could as Derpy collapsed to the ground choking. The cupcake was killing Derpy so she struggled to warn them. “She! Help cupcake she Derpy!”

Pinkie felt another pinch and her vision began to fade to black. She heard king cupcake laughing, and knew he had won.





















> 24. Raid of the Royal Cookie Jar :: E/Co
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


The mane six devise a clever plan to steal cookies from the royal cookie jar.


{Everyone} {Comedy} {Slice of Life}


“Please, Twilight! We have to!” Pinkie pleaded. She fell to her stomach on the large purple throw pillow. The Elements of Harmony had been given a private suite at the castle for the upcoming Gala.

“Pinkie, how would we even sneak past all the cooks and guards?” Dash asked. “The royal cookie jar is too well guarded.”

“Yeah, listen to Dash. Everypony knows only Celestia and Luna may eat the royal cookies.”

“But the legend says they used magic so the jar never runs out of cookies!” Pinkie shouted, throwing her hooves in the air.

“They also say they remain as fresh as the day they were baked,” Fluttershy added. “At least, that’s what a little birdie told me.”

“Ah reckon it’s too foolish to try, but ah had a half-cousin once that claims he had one. Said he never tasted a cookie as good as it the rest of his life,” Applejack said.

“And what happened to this lovely cousin of yours?” Rarity inquired.

“Oh, Celestia caught her with a hoof in the cookie jar. She’s the royal court jester now.”

“Really?” Pinkie’s eyes lit up. “Silly Filly, the court jester, is your cousin?”

“Well, her name was Pink Lady before she got caught. Celestia doesn’t like ponies stealing her cookies.”

“I would really like to try one. . . if that’s okay with you. Surely Twilight could get some,” Fluttershy stated.

“Yeah! And Celestia loves us, we’re the Elements of Harmony! I bet even if she caught us she’d be totally cool about it,” Pinkie said.

“Well the only way we’d get by unnoticed is if we shrunk ourselves and snuck in. Even then, it’d turn a simple walk across the kitchen into an epic odyssey. I’m not sure any pony wants to go through that,” Twilight explained.

“I do!” Pinkie and Fluttershy said.

“Wait, you’re not seriously considering this, Twilight? A lady does not simply walk into the royal kitchen and steal cookies,” Rarity countered.

“Well, I am a princess now, and Celestia did once make me watch her eat a dozen of the royal cookies. She said it was punishment for not finishing all of my kale and squash casserole,” Twilight responded.

“Well, I am the fastest pony in Equestria. I bet we could steal them easy!”

“Ah ‘spose y’all are goin’ with or without me and Rares, so we might as well help ya out.” Applejack extended her hoof in front of the other ponies, who stuck theirs in as well.

“One, two, three, Elements of Harmony Cookie Raiders, yay!” they all shouted.

“Wow, that was odd,” Pinkie said. “We didn’t even rehearse! We’re gonna be the best cookie thieves in Equestria!”

“What would a cookie thieving cutie mark even look like?” Rarity asked.

“A smiley face from how tasty they are!”

“Quit arguin’ and let’s goin’, girls,” Applejack said.



	

Six tiny ponies hid behind a vase next to the royal kitchen. It was exceptionally busy, but Twilight’s spell was only good for an hour. They had to go in and get the cookies now.

Each of them was a few inches tall, and retained their wings, but the magic of Twilight and Rarity had been weakened to basic levitation. Fluttershy and Dash would have to act as the spotters, and keep any prying eyes away from the slower members.

“Alright, the waiter should be returning soon. Yep, here he comes. Follow him in on three. Pinkie, Rarity, and Applejack, you’ll need to go to the left where the eggs are stored. Be careful not to step on any,” Twilight explained.

“Roger!” Pinkie answered.

“Fluttershy, you’ll need to use the stare to control any ponies that notice as they go in. We’ll need Rarity to use her levitation magic to shield her party from any falling or loose objects.”

“You can, um. . . probably count on me,” Fluttershy said.

“I’m going to run in and shout, drawing all their attention to the right. I’m going to use my magic to shield myself, and Dash will make sure I don’t run out of energy.”

“. . .” Dash continued to stare blankly at the wall.

“Pinkie, what are our odds of reaching the cookie jar undetected?” Twilight asked.

“Thirty three point three three percent, repeating of course,” Pinkie replied.

“Alright, I’ve buffed us with magic and as soon as Dash gets back—”

“Raaaaiiiiiinnnnnnbboooooooooooooooow Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaasssshh!!!!” Dash shouted.

Before anyone could react, she flew at full speed through the door behind the waiter. It was closing rapidly.

“Did she—Dash just ran in!” Rarity shouted.

“Go, go, go! Stick to the plan! Stick to the plan!” Twilight yelled. All five of them scrambled into the kitchen, tripping on the door jam. Instead of splitting up, they found themselves dashing behind the nearby sink. A long flexible hose ran from the faucet to the floor, and they scrambled to climb up it.

Fluttershy had flown to the top while the others climbed. They made it up and hid behind a pot, looking around while they caught their breath.

“I don’t see Dashie!” Pinkie said.

“Where’s the royal cookie jar?” Rarity asked.

“This is bad, this is bad! I’m out of mana and can’t cast a spell to locate her,” Twilight cried.

“And there are chefs everywhere! There’s too many of them,” Pinkie stated.

There was a loud crash, and they saw a chef swinging at something in the air.

“Stupid fly!” he shouted.

“Oh no, they think Dashie is a fly!” Pinkie began to twitch nervously. “Oh, this is gonna be a doozy of a day!”

“Look, she made it.” Applejack pointed to the royal cookie jar, which Dash had dove inside. “We just need to make it over to join her.”

The pot suddenly moved, bumping all the ponies backward. Twilight fell backward into the sink, only to land in a levitating clump of spaghetti being rinsed off. She looked up at the unicorn straining the pasta and saw her distracted by her cell phone.

“So then I said oh no you didn’t! And she had the nerve—the nerve!” the unicorn said.

“Bah, I need to get out!” Twilight shouted. “Hey, I’m not spaghetti! There’s been a mistake!”

As the spaghetti was rinsed it was swirled around, and Twilight felt herself being sucked down inside it. The damp, sticky pasty covered her until she could barely keep her nose above it to breathe.

Fluttershy was in a panic, and had backed up so far that she reached the large oven and stove. When she stepped off the ledge of the table, she fell down and screamed until something soft and warm stopped her fall.

She could taste chocolate and poked around, her head finally surfacing. Fluttershy rubbed the molten chocolate out of her eyes, grateful it wasn’t actually as hot as lava. She had landed in some sort of soufflé or chocolate molten cake. All she knew was it would take forever to get out of her hair extensions.

An earth pony came over and scooped the bowls onto a tray. He didn’t even see Fluttershy due to her chocolate-stained mane. Fluttershy didn’t notice him, due to indulging on as much of the chocolatey goodness as she could. 

Applejack and Rarity had made a quick decision. Rarity went after Fluttershy, while Applejack would go after Pinkie. The instant Pinkie had seen a tray of cupcakes go by, she’d sprinted off after them.

Applejack lost sight of her and had to hitch a ride on a sliding dolly that was carrying dishes full of food. By the time she got to the bakers area, flour was being thrown up in every direction by the cooks.

She began to cough and struggle to see through the dense fog. Applejack had wandered onto their table where they rolled dough flat. A large roller nearly crushed her as she jumped out of the way. Caked in flour, she blended right in and went unnoticed in the busy kitchen.

When she reached the end of this table her hoof slipped in the flour and she fell down onto a rack full of shelves. Each shelf had two apple pies cooling on it, and Applejack landed right in the vent cut into the crust.

With a wet plop she vanished into the pie, and was surprised to find the crust was just a little too tough to break her way back out. Her slimey, slick fur should have made it easier to slide through, yet she couldn’t get a grip on the crust because of it.

Rarity had lost sight of Fluttershy. She had a tough choice to make. Only a few feet away was the cookie jar. She could see Dash peek her head out occasionally, mouth full of cookie. Or, she could jump into the apron of the waiter and hope he was headed to the same dining hall as Fluttershy.

With a sigh, Rarity prepared to jump into the pocket of a passing waiter and find her friend.

“There it is!” a pony said. Rarity froze in fear that she had been discovered. Sure enough, a unicorn levitated her into the air and placed her down on the top of a large three layer cake.

Rarity risked a glance to her side and saw stallion in a tuxedo resembling Blue Blood. Fighting the urge to knock him off the top of the cake, she managed to stay still.

“Good, now you won’t fall off again.”

“Huh?” Rarity looked at the unicorn wondering what he had meant. She then tried to step off the top of the cake, only to realize her hooves had been glued to the decorative gazebo on the top of the cake.

Great, I’m glued onto a fancy cake. She looked at the clock and saw only fifteen minutes remained until the spell wore off. Alright, I just stay still for fifteen minutes, turn into a normal-sized pony, and crawl into a hole and die. This is so embarrassing!



	

“Tia, it was horrible!” Luna said.

“Ahuh,” Celestia replied. She took a bite of her spaghetti as she listened to her sister complain.

“All night long, all the court did was bicker over the budget bill! The Mustang party wanted the new railroad track to go to Dodge Junction and then to the Crystal Empire. The Donkey party wanted the new railroad track to go to the Crystal Empire and then to Dodge junction!”

“Yes, Lulu,” she responded. Celestia nibbled on a slice of cake. In front of her was a royal banquet fit for the increased metabolism of the Princess of the day and night.

“I told them that the railroad track had nothing to do with the budget! We’re in debt to Griffonia! We’re spending ten times more than we take in taxes! They’re destroying our nation, Tia!”

“Calm down, Luna. You forget this is a hierarchy, and it is for this reason. The squabbling politicians can’t get anything done.”

Luna huffed and took a bite out of a cupcake on her plate. She began to choke and cough, pounding against her throat until she swallowed the cupcake.

“You alright, Lulu?”

“Yes—there was something fuzzy in my cupcake, and I accidently swallowed it.”

Celestia sighed. “I’ll talk to the chef, if they let another rat in the kitchen I’ll have the whole staff fired.” She twirled the spaghetti around her fork and lifted it up to her mouth.

“Princess, don’t eat me!” Twilight shouted.

“Huh?” She looked down and saw Twilight tied to the fork by the spaghetti, and covered in tomato sauce. “What the—Twilight, how did you get in my pasta?”

“It’s a long story, involving a, uh—science experiment! But we need to recall all the food, my friends are in it!”

“What do you mea—”

There was a loud crash as Rarity reverted to normal size, quickly weighing enough to demolish the large cake. She rolled over and fell to the ground, covered in icing.

A table buckled under the weight of Fluttershy and collapsed. She had eaten the entire desert she had been swimming in, and her full tummy had expanded with her. She looked like she was about to birth several foals.

“It’s okay, Celestia, the spell is reversing!” Twilight explained. “We’re reverting to normal size, please set me down!”

Celestia put her fork down for lack of any better ideas. At the same time, Luna began to groan. “Oh, I don’t feel so good.” Luna’s stomach began to bulge out and wiggle. It appeared that something inside her was kicking around.

“Oh dear,” Celestia said. “I think you ate one of the elements, Lulu.”

“I feel so full! Quickly, teleport them out.”

“I will, but first, what were you really doing shrinking them and in our kitchen? Were you after the royal cookie jar?” Celestia asked.

Twilight looked to her left and saw the cookie car with the lid on it sitting on the table. She sighed, at least nopony had made it to the cookie jar. “No, Celestia, we weren’t trying to steal your cookies!”

Twilight turned to face her mentor when she heard something cracking. She winced and looked back at the cookie jar, which was vibrating and looked ready to shatter. The lid fell off and a tuft of rainbow mane popped out.

“Buck,” Twilight said.

A second later, Dash hit full size and shattered the vase. The uncontained cookie spell caused a geyser of delicious, moist cookies to erupt and start flooding the room. Twilight, as the last to shrink, reverted to her normal size. Covered in sauce, she stood up and shook her hair, flinging tomato sauce everywhere.

There was a wave of magic and a loud pop, and Celestia teleported the six Elements of Harmony and herself onto a castle balcony. They shrank back from the gaze of their ruler.

“I’m very disappointed in you girls. You broke my rules, and tried to eat of the royal cookies! You also ruined that cookie jar, which has been in the Celestia family line for generations!”

Twilight began to sob and look at the floor.

“But I’m not mad at you,” Celestia said.

“What?” Twilight looked up to be sure she heard correctly.

“Yes, if anypony wants some royal cookies they need only ask. They do infinitely replicate after all, so I can never run out. At least, they did until you shattered the jar. I’ll have to recast the magic.”

“So you don’t give horrible punishment to ponies that eat the cookies, like Silly Filly the court jester?” Twilight inquired.

“Silly? She’s a traveling minstrel! She isn’t under some punishment. You six however, did still destroy a priceless magical artifact.”

Twilight gulped.

“As punishment, I will be recasting your shrinking spell. I will set it to last for one week. You will spend that week in the royal daycare, playing with the fillies, colts, and foals of the castle staff.”

“Yay!” Pinkie shouted.

“Wait, you can’t be serious?” Rarity asked.

“Princess, why?!” Twilight said.

“Hush, I’m letting you off easy. You’ll be shrunk for a week with nothing to eat but royal cookies. We’ll see if you still have a taste for them after that.” Celestia laughed and smiled widely as her horn began to glow.


















> 25 Flutter to her Fame :: T/Da/Tr
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Fluttershy’s parents punish her harshly for breaking a proud tradition of Wonderbolts in the family. . .


{Teen} {Dark} {Sad}


Fluttershy hid under her bed, already knowing what would happen when her mother found out she had failed PE at her school again. All the other pegasi made the exercise look so easy, but Fluttershy could barely fly, and she was mocked for it.

The door flew open and slammed against the wall. Fluttershy closed her eyes, hoping that if she couldn’t see Mother, then Mother couldn’t see her. Her high-pitched filly voice filled the air as her tail was yanked on, dragging her out from under the bed.

She tried to scramble back underneath, but couldn’t. Fluttershy had bruises and cuts from last week that were barely hidden under her fur, and didn’t want more.

“Fluttershy! You failed PE again? Are you even trying to fly anymore?” her mother screamed.

“S-s-sorry!”

“Sorry doesn’t get you a cutie mark!” Her mother picked up a switch in her mouth and brought it down across Fluttershy’s flank, leaving a long red mark. “Sorry doesn’t make your father, the famous Wonderbolt, proud.” She whipped Fluttershy again with the switch.

“I-I tried! I r-really did! I’m n-not fast enough!”

“Of course you’re not! You’re worthless as a penguin; I’ve seen ostriches fly higher than you! I told your father that you would be worthless. He blames me for not having a colt. Do you want to know something, darling?”

“N-no.”

“When the Doctor told me I was having a girl, your father was so disappointed that I asked him for an abortion. I did everything in my power, but the damnable laws of Celestia forbid aborting a healthy fetus who poses no threat to the mother. That’s how I got this!” She pointed to a scar on her stomach. “That blade was meant for your throat, you worthless whore!”

She brought the stick down again and again on her daughter. Fluttershy bit her tongue, knowing that whimpering would only result in further lashings. Her mother would get tired soon, and allow her to rest.

“Tomorrow you are being allowed to retake the test. Get a passing time on the flight course, or I’ll amputate your pinion joint and banish you to live on the surface like a common mud pony!”

“No!” Fluttershy shouted. “Father wouldn’t let you!”

Mother glared at her, and smacked her in the muzzle with the switch. “It was his idea, you insolent whelp! Now, get in bed and don’t you dare get out for any reason or I’ll use my hoof instead of this stick!”

“B-but I need to use the l-little filly’s r-room—”

“Absolutely not! Get in bed and think long and hard about whether you want me to chop your wings off!”

Fluttershy hurried to get under her covers, where she would be safe. Her mother closed the door and locked it from the outside, leaving Fluttershy to cry herself to sleep.



	

Fluttershy was sitting in a small clearing surrounded by animals. The most amazing thing had happened on her way to the physical fitness test. A pony named Rainbow Dash had done a sonic rainboom, and Fluttershy had gotten her cutie mark. She discovered she could talk to animals.

“So that’s why I don’t want to go back. Can I live down here with all of you?” Fluttershy asked.

“Of course!” a beaver replied. “Why, you’re the sweetest pony I’ve ever seen! I’ll gather the lumber and build you a lovely house.”

“Yeah, and I have plenty of food,” a squirrel offered.

“And I’m friends with a bear who will make sure nopony bullies you anymore,” an owl stated.

“Oh, thank you. You don’t know how much it means to me. My parents will be so angry if they find out I have a butterfly cutie mark. They’ve always wanted me to be a stunt pony.”

“There she is!” a pegasus shouted. Fluttershy looked up and recognized several of the teachers from her school closing in on her position.

“Oh no!” Fluttershy looked around for a place to hide.

The animals surrounded her, making noises the ponies couldn’t understand. “Get them out of the way!” a pegasus ordered. “Her parents are worried sick.”

They began to bat the animals out of the way, and two of them grabbed Fluttershy by the chest to lift her up. “She can’t fly so we’ll have to carry her like this.”

“Put me down! I don’t want to go back!” Fluttershy screamed.

“It’s not your choice.”

“But I have my cutie mark! I can live on my own now!”

“That law doesn’t apply to juveniles with mental illness,” the instructor said. “Your parents told me everything about you.”

Fluttershy struggled as they flew off, carrying her back home. She watched her new animal friends in an uproar. Fluttershy felt sorrow for each bird that attempted to intercept one of the pegasi to help, only to get batted away like a tennis ball.



	

The house was absolutely silent. Fluttershy stood in the middle of her room and looked back at her flank. Three butterflies. She had three beautiful butterflies, and a special talent that nopony else had. Fluttershy had an entire world full of animals that would never judge her, or abuse her, down on the ground. All she had to do was face her parents.

Today she would stand her ground. Today would be the day Fluttershy overcame her nature and forced Mother to let her move out.

The cloud flooring vibrated slightly as her Mother approached. She bucked the door open, knocking it off its hinges. “How dare you try to run away?!" She marched forward to her daughter. “What the hell were you thinking?”

“I didn’t run away! I fell, and I got this!” She turned to show off her cutie mark.

“What? Is this some unicorn trick? You filthy slut! You banged some unicorn to try and trick us? Are you that determined to be the first pony in ten generations of our family not to be a Wonderbolt?” She struck out with her hoof, hitting Fluttershy’s jaw and sending her sprawling to the floor.

Fluttershy searched for the words but her fear had returned ten-fold. The brave words just seconds ago turned to tears, as she found herself unable to do anything but curl up and wait to die.

Her mother poked and prodded at the cutie mark, sending chills down her spine. “This looks genuine. And, pray tell, what does it mean?”

She just laid there and whimpered in response.

“Answer me!” She stomped a hoof onto Fluttershy’s ribs, causing a cracking sound as one fractured.

“Ahh! It’s—it means I can—can talk to animals!”

“Animals? Like a fucking mud pony?” She stomped a hoof down on one of her legs, but luckily it did not break.

“P-please!”

“No, I’m going to do what I should have done years ago.” She marched out of the room, leaving Fluttershy alone for a moment. Seconds later, her mother returned with a knife in her mouth. “Get ready to die, bitch.”

Fluttershy saw the blade, and thought of all her animal friends down on the soil below. There were so many kinds, and they were her friends, they would be so sad if she never came back. She knew she had to resist, for them, and for that one filly who stood up to her against the bullies. There were good, kind things in the world worth living for.

“No!” Fluttershy yelled, standing up. She stared her mother directly in the eye. “Stop!”

Her mother froze, unable to look away from her daughter. She felt a lump in her throat as her muscles stopped moving. There was nothing she could do when her lungs stopped expanding. She had been frozen in time like a statue, unable to disobey that one simple command: "stop!"

Fluttershy watched her mother freeze, and saw the knife fall to the floor. She was afraid to look away from her mother, and watched as she began to make soft coughing noises. Her lips were turning blue, and Fluttershy wasn’t sure how long they had been staring at each other.

“M-Mother?”

With the two still locked in a staring contest, Fluttershy’s will continued to override her mother’s. She was now gasping for breath against muscles that refused to move, until finally she collapsed.

Fluttershy looked down in horror. Her hooves and lips were blue, and the muscles around her throat were tight. She poked her in the shoulder, then felt against her chest for a heartbeat.

There was none.

She screamed loudly, having somehow killed her mother. The noise attracted the attention of her father. He stormed in the room, stopping to stare in horror at the knife and his dead wife.

“Fluttershy! You rat, what have you done?”

“I-it was an a-accident! S-she was g-going to kill m-me.”

“As she should have!" her father yelled. “You murdering whore, you’ve ruined our reputation in Cloudsdale! A filly who murders her mother! Who comes from ten generations of stunt ponies and gets a fucking butterfly cutie mark?” He pointed to her flank and shook his head in disgust.

“P-please, I’m s-sorry,” Fluttershy muttered.

“It’s too late for sorry. If you want to act like a mud pony and play in the dirt, I’ll bury you in it. Right after I tell everypony in Cloudsdale how you murdered your mother and took your own life.”

He lifted up the knife and stabbed it into his wife’s chest. Blood poured out of the wound steadily onto the floor. “Now, I just need to slit your throat.” He hooked a foreleg around the knife and approached his daughter.

Fluttershy was filled with that same courage, driven from fear, to ensure she protected herself and her new friends on the ground.

“Stop!” she commanded, staring into his eyes.

He froze in the middle of stepping forward, the knife in his outstretched leg.

Fluttershy thought about it. Nopony had killed another pony in so long, and her teachers said it had a death penalty. Yet, she had killed her mother, would they understand it was an accident? Or would her father kill her the instant she stopped staring?

Tears began to roll down her face as she stared into her father’s eyes. He and her mother had abused Fluttershy, and there was only one way to end it.

“Sorry. . . but I need you to cut your throat,” Fluttershy instructed. She stared into his eyes as he also began to cry. He drew the blade across his throat in a calculated motion, causing blood to spray out onto Fluttershy.

She stopped staring as he slumped to the ground. Fluttershy needed to run, to get back to the ground, but she couldn’t fly well enough to make it that far. Had she not landed on butterflies earlier today, she would have died.

Finally, Fluttershy realized that there was one pony that might help her: the rainbow-maned pegasus. She was the only one to ever stand up for her. Fluttershy jumped out her window, using her weak wings to fall with style towards the street below. Fluttershy recalled seeing the pony in passing before, and that her name was Rainbow something. Surely she would be around here somewhere.

A few ponies saw Fluttershy, with blood splattered all over her face and neck, and screamed. Those few were too shocked to try and stop her, another asked if she needed help. She didn’t acknowledge any of them as she fled.

Finally she found what she was looking for. Rainbow was playing with a hoofball. “Hey, you! You’re Rainbow, right?” Fluttershy asked.

“Rainbow Dash, the one and only! My parents are throwing me a party for that awesome sonic rainb—hey, aren’t you the filly from earlier? Fluttershy?” Dash flew over and landed next to her. “Those bullies were picking on yo—whoa?! What happened?”

Fluttershy was shaking as she explained. “My parents... t was an accident! They were so mean and I got angry and—”

She stopped when she saw Dash backing away in fear.

“No, please, look!” Fluttershy turned to her side and lifted her wing. There were scars, faint but visible, as well as some bruises and marks from being whipped recently.

“Whoa, are those real?” Dash walked up and poked one of the tender spots, causing her to jump back. “Your parents did this to you?”

“Yeah! Look, all I need is somepony I can trust to fly me back to the ground. I found my special talent too; the animals will take care of me!”

“This is some crazy stuff here, Flutters.”

“Please, you’re the only pony who was ever nice to me.”

“Really? That’s sad—wait, get down!” Dash shoved Fluttershy next to some bushes and flipped an empty potted plant jar onto her.

“Excuse me, little filly, have you seen a yellow and pink filly around here?” a police stallion asked.

“Who? Me?” Dash asked. She juggled her hoofball in the air using her head. “Nah, I’m just the filly who did a sonic rainboom!”

“That was you?” his partner asked.

“Get your autograph later,” the police stallion said. “We need to find that filly and find out why she murdered her parents.”

“What?” Dash said. They looked at her accusingly. “I just mean, ponies don’t murder ponies!”

“A witness saw her fleeing from the house, covered in blood. The law is clear on this.”

“But what if it wasn’t her fault, or an accident or something? You can’t go picking on fillies!” Dash argued.

“Look, kid, this isn’t up to you. Go play with your hoofball and let the grown-ups do their job,” the police stallion ordered.

Dash huffed and waited for them to leave. Once the coast was clear, she lifted up the pot that Fluttershy was hiding under. “Okay, Flutters, I’m in. I’ll fly you back to the ground so you can be happy.”

Fluttershy jumped out and hugged Dash. “Oh thank you, I don’t know how I’ll ever repay you!”

“Heh, I’m sure I’ll visit you someday and need a favor. Come on, my parents will be back soon so we need to hurry!”

Fluttershy nodded and jumped on Dash’s back. “I’ve never rode a pony before, like this?”

“Yep. Now hold on, and keep your hooves on the pegasus at all times!” Dash jumped into the air and flew towards the edge of her yard, then dove down towards the ground.

“It’s over there, by that small village and forest.”

“You got it!”


















> 26. An Unfortunate Swap :: E/Sa
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


A human stranded in Equestria has one last chance to prove his innocence and escape.


{Everyone}{Comedy}{HiE}


Kaidan crawled through the bushes of the park, his target in sight. He had woken up as Twilight Sparkle, and things had taken a turn for the worse.

First he had panicked and caused a small fire in the library that turned into a big fire. To be fair, he was not used to having control of a magical superweapon that show canon often wrote off as a simple “horn.”

Next, he had decided it was all just a dream, and decided to fly around for a bit until he woke up. All of the ponies were running away from the fire and few paid him any notice. After all, he looked like Twilight.

Only a single pony seemed to chase after him as he fled from the fire. It was a tan Earth pony he recognized from the show as Bon-Bon. Surely she wanted to punish him for starting a fire or some nonsense.

That was two days ago. When he had tried to tell Rainbow Dash what had happened, she accused him of being a changeling. Dash had nearly succeeded in dragging her off to see her friends, whom Dash said would use the Elements to fix everything.

He had been so frightened that his magic activated without warning, teleporting him into the Everfree. The nearest he had gotten to anypony since then was when he tried talking to Fluttershy. Her response was to pass out—go figure. When she awoke with the “imposter Twilight” still sitting there, staring, she flew off before he could explain.

So as he laid in the mud, scraped by the bushes and his mane knotted up with twigs in it, he had one chance left.

Princess Celestia.

She had come with her royal guard and the whole town had gone out searching for Twilight, changelings, or anything else out of the ordinary. It had taken a cardboard box and all his sneaking skills to make it into town undetected. Now he could explain, surely Celestia would understand.

Kaidan jumped out of the bushes. “Princess Celestia, you have to help me!”

Celestia turned and gasped, before hoisting him into the air with her magic. “You! Where is the real Twilight?”

“This is all a misunderstanding. Please! I don’t know how I got here!” he pleaded. “I can’t control my magic and it started a fire, then Dash got mad and—”

“Silence! Spike, the one being that might have witnessed what really happened, is in a coma from the fire. How convenient that the only one who could back up your claims is in the hospital.”

He struggled uselessly against her magic. “No! I didn’t mean to hurt Spike, it was an accident. I can’t control it!” He felt magic starting to surge through his body as he panicked. The purple horn began to glow and weaken Celestia’s magic, almost to the point of freeing himself.

Celestia slammed some sort of ring device onto the horn, causing the magic to get bottled up. With no place to go, the spell fed back into his brain, causing a great deal of pain. “Guards!”

“Gah, stop, it hurts!” he shouted.

“Yes, Princess?” a guard said.

“If she tries to run when I set her down, stop her,” she ordered.

Kaidan was sat on the ground as Celestia probed him with her magic. He stayed frozen in fear. This wasn’t going anything like the T.V. show led him to believe.

“Well, you’re not a changeling, but you are still an alien, and have stolen the body of my prized pupil,” Celestia stated.

“No! I didn’t steal it, I was put here! Please, everything that’s happened has been an accident! You’re not supposed to be this mean in the cartoon!”

“Cartoon?” she asked.

“Yes! I’m a human and I watched this show every week! I was just in bed with my stuffed doll of Twilight and I woke up and I was Twilight!”

Celestia frowned and he felt cold iron clasp his legs above the hooves. Kaidan stumbled back in fear, but the chains only allowed him to step a few inches in any direction at a time. “My pupil Twilight will be rescued. It would seem you have taken over her body or driven her insane. You will speak no further ill against her or me.”

Kaidan went to scream as a muzzle was fastened to his face and tightened harshly, cutting off all noise. “Mmph mmmph!”

“Perhaps a month in the dungeons of Canterlot will loosen your tongue. Guards, take this thing away. See to it a solitary cell is provided, and it is to be fed three times a day but otherwise kept muzzled and in the dark for a month. It will confess what it has done to my prized pupil.”

Hooves lifted up Kaidan and carried him away. He struggled, but he was trapped in the messy and powerless body of Twilight Sparkle.



	

Meanwhile on Earth. . .

“Wow, Lyra, you’re right! This is the most incredible thing ever,” Twilight said.

Lyra stood on her feet, a stunningly gorgeous five-foot-seven brunette with an ample bosom. “Yep! Fingers, toes, shiny noses! The whole shebang.”

“I still can’t believe you discovered this magic. No wonder you always talk about humans.”

“And that’s not even the best part!”

Twilight looked down at the body she had borrowed. Who ever owned it, she had traded places with them and was now a middle-aged man with a beer belly. “What’s better than opposable thumbs?”

“Merchandising!” Lyra shouted. She pulled out a Twilight Sparkle plushie she had been hiding. “I sold the rights to our lives and made a fortune! I found this totally awesome human and we have a timeshare. I get her body every other weekend and one week a year!”

“Wow, you’re really quite an act. So, what should we do until the spell reverses in three days?”

Lyra smiled. “I’ve always wanted to try sex with a human.”

Twilight blushed. “I, uh. . . I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”

“Come on, they aren’t our bodies! They’ll never know!”

“Wait, so right now some human is parading around Ponyville as me? This is bad!”

“Don’t worry, I sent Bon-Bon to explain things and restrain you—if necessary, at the library.”

“Whew, for a second there I thought there would be repercussions to my hasty decision to visit Earth,” Twilight stated.

“Hah! What’s the worst that can happen? Celestia banishes you to the moon or locks you in a dark, creepy dungeon?” Lyra laughed and began taking off her clothing.

“What—why are you doing that? You look. . . wonderful.”

“Come on, we’ve got three days to have fun before it’s back to that stuffy, old library!”



















> 27. It's a Boy! :: T/Co
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Twilight has a baby, and the search is on for the father.


{Teen} {Comedy}


“Push!” Doctor Stable said.

Twilight took a deep breath and pushed. She could feel her foal wiggling to get out, and were it not for the epidural she’d be in even more pain. Before today, Twilight found it hard to imagine such pain existed.

“Ugh. . . Nnnngh!” Twilight started gasping as she felt the baby deliver.

“Congratulations!” Doctor Stable levitated the baby to the nearby table. 

Twilight could hear him and the nurse whispering. A feeling of fear passed through her and she sat up. “What’s going on?”

“It’s okay—it’s a boy. . . minotaur,” he replied.

“W-what?” She looked at her baby and felt herself blushing. “I, uh—”

“Easy, Twilight. No need to explain. The heart wants what the heart wants,” Nurse Redheart stated.

“Hehe, yeah, I guess so. . .”



	

Iron Will had done a circuit around Equestria as a motivational speaker. There was only one town he hadn’t done yet: Ponyville. He had told himself it was just inconvenient, that there were more profitable towns out there. Yet he knew it was because it was the only town where a pony had dared tell him no. 

He walked into town, prepared to prove he still had what it takes. In fact, Fluttershy’s refusal to pay for the seminar because she wasn’t satisfied took a great deal of assertiveness. In a way, perhaps Iron Will should view Ponyville as his biggest success.

Ponies began stealing glances at him and whispering. It gave him an uneasy feeling, so he walked up to a mint-green mare. “Excuse me, what are you all whispering about?”

“I’m sorry, we don’t talk to deadbeat dads around here,” Lyra said.

“Never apologize when you can criticize! I mean, deadbeat dad? What makes you think that?”

She shook her head and walked away.

Don’t get mad, get even. He shook his head and walked towards the town hall, which had offered to host his seminar. It had been kind of the mayor to offer it to him for free. A rainbow-colored pegasus seemed to be darting around, following him.

“Hey, fatty!” Dash shouted. “What’d you do to Twilight?”

Iron Will looked up at her. “What are you talking about?”

She flew down right in front of his face and poked him in the hose. “You got her pregnant and skipped town! Give me one good reason not to kick your flank!”

He put his hooves up and shook his head. “Whoa, you’ve got the wrong minotaur! If you don’t back down, you’re in for a beat down.”

“Ha! Like there are any other minotaurs around here. This isn’t over, pal. I’ll be back, with friends!” Dash turned around and flew off into the distance.

This was perhaps the oddest visit Iron Will had ever made to a town. He saw an apple stand and decided to get a snack and ask the vendor what was going on. He walked across the street and looked at a basket full of ripe, red apples. The orange pony behind the stall seemed to be grinding her teeth.

“Uh, hi, how much for an apple?” Iron Will asked.

“For you? A hundred bits,” Applejack said.

“What? That’s preposterous! I won’t be a sucker, I’m a bad ass mother f—”

“Try me, pal,” Applejack interrupted. “Ah’ll buck ya to Canterlot if ah see you anywhere near Twilight!”

“Twilight? What the hell is wrong with this mare?” he pondered.

“Wrong! Y’all have got some nerve coming back here after what you did!”

“What I did? I haven’t gotten anypony in this town pregnant!”

“Ya know damn well what y’all have done, now scram!”

Iron Will felt his rage growing but knew he had to control it. He decided to go let the, mayor know he changed his mind and was not going to do the seminar. He could make ten times as much in Fillydelphia doing a seminar.

He had barely made it fifty feet down the road when a familiar pegasus walked out from behind a corner and spotted him. “You!”

“Oh, good afternoon, Fluttershy.” Iron Will smiled. “How have my lessons paid off for you?”

“Don’t you ‘good afternoon’ me, mister! You’re going to march right over to Twilight’s with me and apologize.”

“What? You guys have got this all wrong. Besides, I don’t apologize, I criticize!”

Fluttershy stared at him and he felt something he had not in a long time: fear. He couldn’t look away from her eyes, they held him captive as she commanded him. “You’re going to turn around and march straight to the library!”

“Okay.” Iron Will felt a tad dizzy and found himself compelled to obey. He shook his head and realized he had walked to the library. “Oh, I must have zoned out.”

Fluttershy opened the door and gestured for him to go inside. Once they had entered, he saw a baby minotaur ramming his horns into a bookshelf. Spike was trying to contain  the damage, and Twilight was half-studying and half-sleeping on her work desk.

“Twilight, I brought someone here to apologize to you,” Fluttershy said.

She turned around and saw Iron Will, snapping wide awake. “I-Iron Will?!” Twilight got down from the chair.

“And you are Twilight then? The mare everyone thinks I got pregnant?” he asked.

“How dare you—”

“It’s okay, Fluttershy,” Twilight interrupted. “I, uh. . . well I don’t know how to say this, so I’ll just say it. He isn’t the father.”

“Thank you,” Iron will said.

“What?” Fluttershy asked.

“He, um. . . isn’t the father, okay?” Twilight answered.

“Then who is?” Fluttershy responded.



“Personal?” she parroted.

“Yes. Thank you for stopping by. Please go now,” Twilight stated.

Fluttershy was baffled but turned around and walked out the door.

I’m getting the hell out of this town, everypony is crazy. Iron Will followed her outside and saw the rainbow maned pony from earlier hovering in the air with a dozen other pegasi.

“There he is! The minotaur that got Twilight pregnant and ran away!” Dash told her weather team. “Let’s toss him out of town like the trash he is!”

Fluttershy looked up. “Hi, Dash. It’s okay, Twilight says he isn’t the father.”

“What? Don’t be crazy, he’s the only minotaur for hundreds of miles!” Dash shouted.

“Well, she said I wasn’t, so if you’ll excuse me I’m getting the hell out of dodge,” Iron Will said.

“What’s Dodge Junction gotta do with this?” Dash asked.

“No, Dashie, it’s an expression,” Fluttershy replied.

Iron Will slinked off towards the edge of town while they spoke in front of the library, glad to have finally gotten out of the crazy town.













	

Once Twilight was alone, she teleported out to the edge of the Everfree. It was here she had discovered the love of her life, and he stepped out of the bushes under the moonlight. He had large horns, a faded brand, and a ring through his nose.

“Moo.”

She smiled and bent over, inviting the bull to ride her.

> 28. Congratulations! It's a Reptile! :: T/Co
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Tank and Gummy take their romance to the next level. 


{Teen} {Comedy} {Slice of Life}


Tank landed in the grass and watched her owner trot over to her friends. The helicopter contraption had a quick release, which she slowly activated. This wasn’t her first pony-pet play date, so she had gotten used to being left alone to spend some time with her own friends.

At the top of the hill Opal was chasing Owlowiscious, who occasionally would swoop back and scare her off. Spike and his pet phoenix were taking turns lighting sticks on fire. Angel was busy making angry gestures at Winona, who responded by licking him and getting him covered in dog saliva.

Finally, Tank found her special somereptile, Gummy. He was Pinkie’s pet and the two had spent almost every excursion to the park together.

Tank made her way over to the rock Gummy was resting on. She could feel the heat from the rock as she climbed on top of it. Gummy woke up and noticed Tank approaching. He quickly began to do push-ups to impress her. Once he had done a few dozen, he licked his eyes to make sure they were clean and joined her on the rock.

They nuzzled affectionately on the rock and watched as Dash giving Twilight a flying lesson. As the warmth from the rock heated them up, Tank began to feel frisky. Gummy watched as she began to crawl towards the edge of the rock and sighed, wondering where she was headed. As the only two reptiles he had often hoped to get Pinkie to confess her feelings for Dash, so they’d move in together. Then, Gummy could spend even more time with Tank.

Unfortunately, no matter how many times Gummy leapt out of Pinkie’s hair and latched onto Dash, Gummy’s owner just hadn’t caught on.

Tank thought for a minute, and realized she hadn’t exactly seen another tortoise in her life. With a sigh, she figured that meant the blunt approach was her only option. She lifted her stubby tail up and tilted her shell. With her neck fully extended, she managed to slowly smirk and give Gummy a “come hither” look.

Gummy wasn’t sure he was seeing this right, and licked his eyes to make sure they were clean. Tank had just presented herself to him. He knew that finally they had a chance to be together, so he walked over to her.

Tank was built sturdy, and gave Gummy plenty of room to climb on. For the slow tortoise, every moment of bliss seemed to extend for ages as her and Gummy consummated their love. The two hurried to finish their deed and enjoy the afterglow, not knowing when their owners or another pet would come interrupt them.

After a few minutes, the deed was done. Gummy climbed off and went to lick Tank’s face. The two began to kiss, though given the size difference of their mouths it would be more accurate to say Gummy was sucking on Tank’s head. After they had finished the two fell asleep on the rock together.



	

Several months later…

Dash tapped a foot impatiently. “Pinkie! I need to talk to you!”

“Coming, Dashie!” Pinkie trotted across her room and opened the door. “Heya, Dash! What’s up?”

“Yeah, you and Gummy have some explaining to do. I found this hatching in my living room!” Dash opened her saddlebag and pulled a few alligators out by the tail.

Pinkie gasped, as she saw several young alligators with shells on their back. “They look like half-turtle, half-crocodile!”

“Don’t you mean half-tortoise half-alligator?” Dash corrected.

“Po-tate-o, po-taught-o. So, who’s the father?” Pinkie inquired.

Dash sighed and hit her head with her hoof. “Really, Pinkie? It’s Gummy!”

She ran across the room and trotted back over with her pet. “Look, you have babies! Congratulations!”

Dash put Tank on the floor, who shot Gummy a knowing look. They began to crawl under Pinkie’s bed together while the two ponies were distracted discussing what to do with the four new baby tortoisgators.

“Well, sometimes opposites attract, Dashie, like you and me!” Pinkie explained.

“I don’t plan to have any babies with you. This is about why our pets are. you know… doing ‘it.’”

“Probably because it feels good to have a special somepony? Haven’t you ever wanted somepony to make you feel good, to spend time with, and go home to every day?”

“Maybe I thought about it a little, but I’m going to be a Wonderbolt! I can’t do stunts pregnant. Besides, most of the stallions I’ve met are pigs.”

“So why not have an extra-special best friend spend lots of time with you? Maybe they would scratch your back if you scratched theirs.”

Dash tilted her head to the side in thought. “Well, my back isn’t itchy but I suppose it couldn’t hurt. It’s really hard to reach my hooves to that one spot under my wings that feels so good.”

“You mean this one?” Pinkie stuck her hooves under Dash’s wings and began to massage near the base. Her wings both flared wide open as a reflex.

“S-stop i-it, P-Pinkie!”

“But I thought it feels good.” She stopped and took her hooves off Dash’s back.

“It does, b-but usually only pegasi who are, you know, romantic do that.”

“Then I guess we should go get some dinner, and then it counts as romantic while I give you a nice long massage with a happy ending.”

Dash opened and closed her mouth a few times not sure what to say.

“Come on, Dashie. I have a feeling Tank isn’t the only one getting lucky tonight!” Pinkie pushed her out of her room and walked off towards dinner.

Tank and Gummy were watching from near the bed, along with their four children. Once their owners had left, the entire family of tortoisgators curled up around their parents and went to sleep.


















> 29. Sweetie Belle's Short Fuse :: T/Da/G
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------


Sweetie Belle makes a mistake when Opal refuses to let her study.


{Teen} {Gore} {Dark} {Tragedy}


Meow.

Sweetie moaned and hunched over her schoolwork. “Just go away Opal, I’m busy.”

Meow.

She stole a glance to her right, not wanting to encourage the cat. Opalescence was sitting on the carpet looking at her. Sweetie turned her attention back to the math problem and solved for X.

Meow.

Sweetie turned to face the cat, who was now sitting on the edge of her desk. “Go away, Opal, I’m very busy.”

Meow. Opal walked on top of the math homework and trotted in a small circle, then laid down.

“No, Opal, I need to do my homework!” Sweetie pushed her off the paper, but let her stay on the desk.

The cat watched her write the answer down and began to bat the pencil with her paws.

Meow.

“Ugh, my pencil is not a toy!”

Hiss. Opal batted a claw out and scratched Sweetie’s foreleg.

“Opal!” Sweetie pushed the cat backward, causing her to fall off the desk. She landed on her paws and walked under the chair.

Meow. Opal rubbed her side against Sweetie’s hooves.

She concentrated and used the little levitation magic she could do to apply a bandage to her scratched leg. The homework was due tomorrow and Sweetie needed to get an A on it to maintain her grade point average. 

There was a thud on the top of the chair. Meow.

Sweetie didn’t look, but knew from the weight that Opal was now balancing on the back of the chair. With a grunt, she nudged the chair backwards, causing the cat to jump off to safety.

Meow. Opal jumped up onto the desk and started laughing, before batting the pencil off the desk with her claws extended.

“Dammit!” Sweetie was so angry she jumped out of the chair and pinned Opal to the table top with her hooves. She pushed down on the cat’s throat.

M-M—Me—

Opal couldn’t breathe, but Sweetie began smiling in her victory. “Can’t meow now!” she mocked. The cat started lashing out with its claws, scoring deep cuts in Sweetie’s forelegs. This only made her push harder in her anger. Opal’s eyes began to bulge out from the pressure, and her flailing ceased.

Sweetie’s breathing began to slow down and she looked into the glassy eyes of Opalescence. Her smile slowly faded as she realized what she had done, and she released her hooves. “O-Opal?” She poked the cat’s side a couple times. “Oh no!”

“Sweetie, dear, have you seen Opal?” Rarity shouted from downstairs.

“No, sis!” she yelled back. Sweetie scooped Opal up and tossed her into the laundry basket against the wall, covering her with a bath towel.

Rarity walked into the room and saw Sweetie wrapping a foreleg up in a bandage. “Sweetie, you’re hurt!”

“I fell at school!” she blurted. “No, I’m fine!”

Rarity trotted over anyway and looked at her arms, which had turned pink from the blood slowly staining the fur. “Oh, we can go see a nurse.”

“I’m not a baby!” Sweetie pouted.

“I didn’t say you were, darling.” Rarity paused for a second. “Sweetie, you’re trembling. Is everything okay?”

“I, uh. . .” Sweetie tried to think of something believable, and had the perfect idea. “Diamond was bullying me at s-school.”

“Again? I’ll go talk to her parents—”

“No! I mean, I want to just let it go. She will stop if I ignore her.”

Rarity sighed. “I’m not sure that’s the best course of action but if you’re sure, I’ll agree to that. Now, I must find Opal so that Fluttershy can groom her. I’ll see you for dinner.” 

Rarity trotted out of the room and Sweetie counted to ten before walking over to the laundry hamper. She pulled back the dirty clothes and saw Opal laying on her side, mouth open, and eyes frozen in an accusing stare.

You killed me, Sweetie. You’re a monster.

“I’m so sorry, Opal,” Sweetie said. She wiped a tear from her cheek, and bundled her back up in the towel. With the dead cat wrapped up she carried it downstairs into their back yard. Sweetie found a small shovel and picked it up in her mouth, then snuck out of town. Ponies were used to seeing her and the crusaders doing odd things, and the few that did spot her paid it no mind.

Once Sweetie got near the Everfree, she had to find a place to hide the body. There was an ancient burial ground not too far inside the Everfree that ponies avoided. Sweetie went in and found an empty spot between two gravestones. The names appeared to be written in Zebra, which was odd as most zebras lived far to the south.

She hastily dug a hole and buried Opal, patting the dirt down with the shovel and tossing the towel into a nearby bush. Taking the shovel in her mouth, Sweetie ran back home without looking back.



	

Sweetie had killed Opal three days ago and having nightmares. Tonight she lay in bed staring out the window. Some nights she swore she could hear Opal meowing.

Meow.

She sniffled and started to sob. Rarity was worried sick and nopony but Sweetie knew what really happened to her cat.

Meow.

Now the guilt haunted her, first her dreams, and now as if the cat were still alive. Sweetie had to tell somepony but didn’t know who would understand.

Meow.

“Quiet, Opal,” Sweetie said. She sobbed and wiped some of the tears from her face.

Meow.

Sweetie felt something like whiskers brush against her ear and froze. Slowly she turned her head and rolled over to see what had disturbed her slumber.

Meow. Opalescence sat there covered in dirt and leaves, skin grey and nearly falling off. Large patches of her fur were missing and her jaw and a leg were decomposed to the bone.

Sweetie began to stutter, her mouth open wide, in fear. The words caught in her throat, the one simple name of her greatest sin. Opalescence had her tongue, robbing her of the voice to cry for help.

Opal tilted her head. Meow.

She was trembling now. Opal took another step forward and stuck his head and a leg into Sweetie’s mouth. She immediately tried to bit her, and spit her out. Opal extended her claws, and began to tear her way inside her mouth.

Coughing loudly, she flailed on the bed, and Opal dug her hind claws into her chest for leverage. She couldn’t breathe with the cat in her mouth, and Opal had hooked a claw down into her throat. Sweetie continued to flail as Opal crawled down her throat, and she was powerless to stop her.

The feeling of her throat expanding caused her to gag loudly. It then tore open and was the last thing she felt. Her heart had ceased beating and the last thing she saw before darkness took her was Opal’s tail vanishing into her mouth.



	

Knock! Knock! Knock!

“Sweetie, breakfast is in fifteen minutes, wake up.” Rarity trotted downstairs to finish getting breakfast ready while Sweetie awoke.

In the bed, Sweetie lay dead from last night, her mouth still frozen wide open in terror. Her belly was distended, and began to move. The bulge began to move towards her chest, causing her forelegs to twitch.

Opalescence had eaten her full and stuck a paw out of Sweetie’s mouth. She then stuck out another paw, and pulled her head out to freedom. The dead pony finally yielded as her jaw popped, allowing Opal to slide out much easier. She jumped down onto the floor and sat down to wait.

She began grooming her fur, licking the blood off it until her coat was a pristine white sheen. Her appearance slowly returned to that of a normal, healthy cat.



	

“Sweetie?” Rarity knocked again louder. “I said fifteen minutes, why are you still asleep?”

She opened the door and screamed. Rarity ran across the room, scooping Sweetie up in her arms. “Sweetie! What happened?”

She burst into tears, barely able to breathe through the sorrow. Her little sister had died in the middle of the night, forever stolen from her.

Meow.

Rarity felt her cat Opal rub against her hind legs. The same cat she had feared lost. Rarity gripped Opal tightly in a hug alongside Sweetie’s corpse and wept.