The Equestria Key: Ignota Colonus

by Anunymau5

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Live as a Horse: Gaiden

Have you ever woken up feeling more exhausted than when you fell asleep? Well, that’s pretty much how I felt upon waking up on the floor in Canterlot Castle.

Still a horse. Still had no clue as to what was going on. Still in a garishly-coloured room, except I had some weird looking unicorn at the door watching me struggle back to my hooves with a yawn.

“Ah, good. You’re awake… Now, come with me.” He nodded and headed out the door, his white cloak flapping behind him.

“And hello to you too,” I muttered and followed him out into the cross hall. The unicorn had an air of importance and self-respect about him. Judging by the ornate gold emblem holding his cloak at his shoulder, he was also maybe some sort of royalty?

Oh, and he was male, which was a first for this place.

“Why are you staring at me?” he asked.

“You’re a guy?”

He rolled his eyes. "Why are you so surprised?”

“Nothing… I... just that all I’ve met so far are chicks.” I chuckled a bit. He didn’t find it to be the least bit funny and left without another word. Seeing as how he knew the layout of this damn castle, I decided to follow him. And because he told me to earlier.

“So am I going to see the really tall pony again? The Princess of whatever?” I inquired. That struck a nerve. He spun around and shoved me against the wall.

He narrowed his eyes at me. “That is my Princess. Meaning you will be formal and show some damn respect when talking about her!”

“Relax, Novel. Who cares if he isn’t formal? He shouldn’t have to be!”

Coming down the hallway was another unicorn-pegasus hybrid, this one sporting a dark blue coat and similar mane that also seemed to constantly flow. She was about a head shorter than her sister but held it up high as she laughed.

“I meant nothing of it.” He bowed deeply to her and she giggled.

“Jeeez, you’re so uptight, Novel! Whatever happened to the bright eyed colt I remember, who claimed he was gonna marry me when he grew older? Besides… I think he’s fine.” Novel lowered his head and tried to hide his reddening face, pretending not to have heard the comment.

“Yeah, I already got the shit kicked out of me earlier today. Y’know the truck and all that…” I commented.

“Oh, yeah, sorry about that. We had assumed you would die instantly.” She bit her lip and winced.

“What… what? You knew that would happen!?”

“Well not exactly. I mean we saw the ‘truck’ coming at you and there was nothing we could do. So we just sort of waited it out.” She awkwardly smiled at me.

“I’m sorry but ‘waited it out?’ I died there you know! I was dead! So what the hell is going on with me?”

“Look, uh, my sister can explain it better than me so let’s just go see her.”

“Alright, fine. But I would really like some answers…”

“Don’t worry, you’ll get some.” She smiled and headed down the hall with Novel and me in tow. He still seethed with anger at my alleged “improper manner.” Hey, I’m new.

***

After following Luna through an elaborate network of tunnels and halls, we ended up in a throne room. Although it was more on the unconventional side. Instead of a throne, there was a sort of beanbag chair/giant plush cushion which The princess sat on. So I suppose it couldn’t be called a throne room. Then again it does sound better than giant-plush-chair-with-a-princess-sitting-on-it room.

“Ah, Equestria Key, I hope you slept well!” called out the Princess as we approached her giant plush chair.

“Actually, I slept horribly. I don’t know if it was the fact that I was on the floor, or the fact that I still have no clue as to what’s going on, or the fact that I’m now a horse talking to another horse," I shot back, causing her to giggle. Seriously? This sadist is laughing at my misfortune?

“You're feeling tired because your body is perpetually exhausted—a side effect of shifting.”

“Shifting?” I asked. I hoped that I wouldn’t require a thesaurus for this stuff, but all signs were pointing to that route.

“Yes. It would only be right to explain…” She clapped her hooves and the great doors at the far end of the hall opened with a slow creak showing a group of six other ponies, including the pegasus from earlier, and Twilight von Unicron or whatever her name was.

“Ah, my little ponies, I was just about to explain everything to the Equestria Key! Perfect timing!”

“Yeah about that, why do you ke--"

“Oooh! Are you new?!” yelled the pink member of the new group before launching herself right at me and stopping an inch away from my face, filling my vision with corneas and pupils.

“Uh… I suppose you could say that…” I stammered and leaned back as she bounced around me excitedly until a white coated unicorn grabbed her and pulled her aside.

“Now, now, Pinkie, we mustn’t scare the guest. Apologies, darling, for my friend’s ah… erratic behavior,” she drawled and dragged the pink pony away.

“Uh, right. So, princess, care to explain why I’m here with these other ponies. ‘Cause I sure as hell have no idea...”

The various ponies jumped their concentration between Celestia and I as she cleared her throat.

“Yes, I’ve postponed this far longer than I wanted. I hope you won’t take offence to my stalling, for this is a hard story to tell.”

“Yeah, yeah. Now why am I here… wherever ‘here’ is?”

Celestia sighed. “It was only ten thousand years ago when my father was the King of Equestria. Back then, life was not so tranquil as it presently is. We had adversaries from every corner, whether it was changelings, griffons,or dragons, something always wanted to invade. But one issue that stood were three siblings, not Ponies, Griffons, or Dragons but something else entirely. Three beings that bridged the gap between mortals and gods.

“They didn’t like seeing the Equestrians living a harmonious life while the Griffins and Dragons fought tirelessly. They wanted to be on top, the bourgeoisie while the mortals became the proletariat.

“My father didn’t stand for that and began working on a way to stop them. All of our current magic did little to nothing while the Elements of Harmony simply delayed them. He put all of his effort into building a new for lack of a better term “weapon”. He wanted an Equestrian that could help stop them. Something they wouldn’t expect.

“But he vanished before he could finish his work, leaving us with a soulless body and 3 angry demigods. So my sister and I turned to a world we had discovered, a parallel universe and took a soul from there. It worked and we used the weapon to stop fight the spirits while we trapped them with the Elements of Harmony.

“But now there’s a problem, the spells are weakening and they will be returning soon. That’s where you come in.” She finished.

“Wait… So I’m definitely dead and there’s no, like, undoing that?”

“Is that honestly all you got out of everything that I just told you?” asked Celestia.

“Hey! Look, this is a lot to take in! So am I perma-dead or not!”

“EKey, you aren’t dead. You’re clearly alive. For goodness’ sake, I’m talking to you.”

“I get that, but am I undead?”

She sighed and adjusted her… throne.

“Imagine this as less of a death and more of a… relocation. A change of… scenery.”

“Okay, that makes more sense.” I guess. “I was just evicted after all… Just not from my apartment, as expected… instead, from my planet.”

“Oh my! What happened?”

“It’s… uh… it’s a long story involving coffee, music, a stud gun—I think there were bees at one point—anyways, I don’t really want to get into it. Believe me, you don’t want to hear it.”

“Right… we should focus on the matter at hoof: you being here and your role here.”

“I gotta stop those three siblings from reappearing right?”

“Yes.”

“And how exactly am I supposed to do that?”

“Well… you know how you used that magic earlier? When you destroyed Twilight’s library?”

“That was magic? Holy crap, that was badass! It hurt but still…” I blinked. Oh, right. Blowing up a library. “Oh yeah… uh, sorry about that whole ‘exploding library’ thing, Miss Sparkle.” I blushed sheepishly. Yeah, I blush. Guys blush sometimes. Got a problem with it? We have blood vessels in our face as well! Twilight looked away mumbling something. Aww she’s shy. Wait no she isn’t. This is something else…

“EKey, are you listening?” Asked the Princess sternly.

“Uh...what? Sorry, spaced out for a minute there.” I was shaken back to reality, the soft flapping of the imaginary butterfly already fading away back into the darker recesses of my mind.

“I said are you willing to receive training from Twilight Sparkle along with her friends in order to properly prepare yourself for the upcoming fights?”

“Uh, I…hold on… what?” I stammered as the other ponies protested loudly.

“Wait, princess! Why would I be training him?” asked Twilight curiously. Is it gentlemanly to refer to a woman by her first name inside your head? Ah, probably. Carry on, chap.

“It could be a learning experience for both of you. Additionally, you have been studying old magic far more recently than I have. That, and my sister and I will both be quite busy preparing for their return.” She and Luna both nodded, causing Twilight to partially deflate with desperation before straightening herself out and nodding seriously.

“Understood, princess. I swear as a student of yours that I will not take this responsibility lightly. I will spend every waking moment, making sure that he will be perfect. I will not falter or weaken in my work. I will make sure that he doesn’t either. It’s like Ponificus said, ‘Ponies will always render those around them into perfection as they themselves strive to be perfe--”

“Jeez, egghead. Did you prepare this earlier or something? She says ‘Yes’, princess.” The rainbow one sarcastically replied before dragging Twilight back to their group. I chuckled a bit and received several angry stares in return. Man, tough room to —ah, forget it.

“So, EKey… do you accept this responsibility? Because we can always evict your soul again and find another.”

“Whoa, what? You never said you could do that!” I yelled.

“Didn’t I? So sorry of me… now, answer the question.” She smiled almost menacingly. I put on my best serious face and narrowed my eyes at her. Trying to find a balance between being understandable and gritting my teeth for masculinity… And trying to find my physical balance.

Seriously, it was hard standing on all fours!

“Yes.”

“Good. Welcome to Equestria, EKey.”

* * * * * * *

“EKey, wake up!” a voice yelled at me. I jumped out of bed wide eyed and delirious, pulling me out of a particularly strange dream. I don’t want to talk about it, okay?

“Mushrooms inside him! The mushrooms are inside him! No mushrooms in me!” I yelled frantically causing a voice to giggle. I looked over to see a purple pony standing in my room. Wait… I know her.

“Ugh… Why are you still here?” I groaned and pushed my mane out of my face.

“What are you talking about? We have training today.”

“Oh, god… I thought I dreamed about saying yes to that!”

“EKey, it’s been over a week since you said yes. How can you still believe that this is a dream?”

“Hey it could be one of those coma dream things! People can spend years in a coma and be dreaming at the same time! For all I know, you guys don’t exist…” I laughed at my flawless logic. Twilight rolled her eyes, snatched up a pin and jabbed me in my foreleg. I yelped and jumped back.

“There! See? We’re real.” She turned to the entrance and headed upstairs to the first floor. “Now, get ready for some more spell work.”

“Spell work, schmell work,” I muttered and readjusted the various bandages on my forelegs and torso, before kicking the rest of the blankets off. I then proceeded to stretch, hearing a series of pops, clicks, and shudders suggesting several days of physical abuse. I ran a hoof over my swollen black eye and recently split lip. Then came the constant numbing pain in my left ear. Yeah… I had been in better shape. Regardless of my mutilation, I re-wrapped the bandage around my wrist -- it was pretty hard with hooves, yet not as hard as when I first arrived -- before heading upstairs.

“Wow. You look even worse than I thought,” Twilight commented with a bit of a smile as Spike placed three plates down on the small table in her kitchen.

“Yeah, it’s all because of your rainbow friend. Seriously. She can pack a punch… Or fifteen. She know karate?”

Adeptly dodging my question, Twilight tapped a hoof on her chin. “Hmmm… You want to postpone today’s session with her?”

“Nah she’ll just make it twice as bad tomorrow.” I groaned and sat down across from her. It was eggs, toast, and a fruit salad for breakfast today.

“Huh… Have you tried talking to her about it?” She asked. I shrugged.

“Don’t get me wrong, I get why she’s doing it. I just think there’s probably a less painful alternative,” I said as I rubbed my foreleg.

It had been a week now since I said yes to Princess Celestia’s request. However many days that was in the real world was still beyond me. I mean, who knows what the time differential is when you’re in a coma?

Anyways, after my agreement, I was flown back to Ponyville to see a house that had been given to me. Except, no one ever actually checked the house because it was about two light breezes away from crumbling into itself in a shower of rotting wood and broken roof shingles. Heck the stairs didn’t even work. I was limited to a damp rotting first floor. So Twilight, in all of her friendliness, said I could stay in her basement which, for a tree, was surprisingly dry. Guess it was enchanted or something? I didn’t understand this magic stuff, honestly.

After moving into my new temporary living arrangement, I got a job at a local package delivery company which came packaged (see what I did there?) with the most terrifying job interview I had ever experienced. My boss was named Leafy Green. All things considered, he was a pretty nice guy. It was also rather nice getting paid even though Celestia already said she would cover the repair costs of my house. But, whatever money I made was going towards a sort of thank you party to the various ponies that had helped me so far this week. Except Rainbow Dash, she wasn’t invited. Seriously I spent every day getting the shi-

“EKey, are you listening?” demanded Twilight angrily. I blinked a few times before turning back to her with my winning smile.

She sighed and facehoofed. “Yes, definitely.”

“EKey, you need to focus… This is real.”

“Yeah? Well, I don’t think you’re real!” I yelled back. She rolled her eyes before getting up and walking out of the kitchen muttering something along the lines of “I don’t have time for this.”

I stretched my forelegs and finished up my breakfast. When I first arrived, I had been craving meat but now it had mostly passed. I honestly doubted that this body could digest it anyways. Okay, I lied. Every night I had the shakes as visions of steak floated through my mind... taunting me. Tempting me.

* * *

A taped hoof slammed against the side of my face and everything exploded into stars. I’m not gonna lie, getting the crap kicked out of me by a pegasus who I had earlier insulted isn’t an enjoyable experience. Not even remotely pleasant. I might even go as far as to say that it fucking sucked, if I was feeling particularly charitable.

I wasn’t.

The pegasus in question hopped back and forth behind me, balancing nimbly on her hind legs while I tried to stand back up, ignoring the aching pain in my back.

“Seriously can we please take a break?” I groaned. She shook her head and spun around into a kick that knocked me back into the dirt.

“Come on, Ekey! Defend yourself!” she yelled, ignoring my cries of pain. I hate her. Seriously. When I inevitably go postal, she will be the first victim. She swung at me again this time with her left hoof aiming at my ribs. I rolled back and stuck out my elbow as an attempt to defend myself. It worked. Kind of. She was knocked back with a yell but the force of her punch reverberated through my entire arm! Her eyes widened slightly as she clutched her now injured hoof before a sadistic grin slowly grew across her face.

“Look who’s finally getting the hang of it!” She laughed.

I spat out some more blood and possibly a tooth before standing up and facing her, my forelegs in a defensive position but most of my attention was diverted to not falling over. Seriously... standing on two legs while using the body of a quadruped was not easy in the slightest. It was akin to running a marathon by hopping on one leg.

She dove at me in a flurry of limbs while I vainly tried to defend myself. I blocked one, two, maybe three of her hits before I finally collapsed into the dirt with her standing over me triumphantly. I tried to crawl away, my hooves scrabbling in the dirt.

“Not so fast, EKey! We still need to go over what we learned today.” She looked down at me... almost with pity. But that’s when I get her, I kick out her back leg causing her to fall over so I can pounce and finally have my revenge so no one will fear me and I will be unstoppable and I wi-

*THWACK!*

“...Ow” I held my nose gingerly, walking alongside Rainbow Dash, who had now finished untaping her hooves and was watching me curiously, trying to gauge the degree to which she mauled me today.
“Any chance you can be a bit less hardcore tomorrow?”

She laughed, her voice a tad on the raspy side. “Not a chance, EKey. If anything, it’s gonna be harder.”

“Okay hold on.” I stopped her in the middle of the road “Look. You’re gonna have to explain what exactly you’re trying to accomplish here. All this has been so far is you mercilessly beating me under the pretense of it being… ‘combat training’. How is this training me for anything other than pain tolerance,” I frowned. Clever girl. “Oh. Gotcha.”

“There… now you’re starting to get it. Also, I was joking, if anything it’s gonna be a bit easier tomorrow.”

“Wait… why is it now easier?”

“I was joking.”

“No, you weren’t.” Stop messing with my head like that! I was already paranoid about the possible subjectivity of my reality and stuff like this wasn’t helping!

“Look, you proved to be learning something. That means we should take a break from working on endurance and instead shift the focus onto strength. How does that sound?” she gave me a comforting grin. I couldn’t handle that.

“Uh sure. Sounds great. Would be nice to return home with some feeling still in my face.” I muttered back. What’s she trying to pull?

“Hey, Ekey, wanna get something to drink?”

“Drink?”

“Yeah, the bakery has pretty good milkshakes. You do have milkshakes in your world right?”

“No, we just have horse burgers and glue factories,” I replied but she didn’t seem to notice my sarcasm and recoiled with horror.

“What?!” she yelled. I shook my front hooves nervously and stammered out a response.

Smooth moves, Chosen One. Gonna follow up by proclaiming yourself the god-king of the country and start issuing orders to citizens?

“No, it was just a joke! We have milkshakes, and there are no glue factories! Just a sick joke,” I laughed awkwardly and rubbed the back of my head. Her eyes narrowed before shrugging and leading me down a different street.

“So… you don’t eat horse in your world?” she asked cautiously.

Hey, Ikea was putting horse meat in their meatballs! Remember that? Man! That was weird!

“No, we don’t eat horse in my world. Nobody I knew, anyhow.” Great. Way to just lie to the one who actively beats you as a form of recreation.

She narrowed her eyes, examining my expression. I maintained my best poker face. “Good to know,” she muttered.

Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

Just a harmless little lie to keep my ass out of the fire… Oh the eventual poetic irony.

***

I sat across from my abuser, both of us casually slurping down chocolate milkshakes. Honestly they were delicious here, probably had something to do with the milk. Maybe less hormone treatment. Or it could be cat milk. Who knew.

“So, Ekey, tell me a bit about yourself. What was your life like before you were killed by a… what was it called? An astromobile?” asked Rainbow Dash, pausing to wipe her lips with a napkin.

“Umm… Well there’s not really much to say. I mean I don’t remember much of Earth, stuff like my name and whatnot.” I began, “But there’s some stuff I remember.”

“Well, spill it, pal!”

What, I was her pal now? My ribs said otherwise.

“Let’s see, I worked at a failing tax company as their IT guy. But these guys kept wasting their money and I was fired along with a ton of other staff members. They called it a ‘employee relocation and redistribution program.’ After that I was evicted from my apartment due to an incident involving bees, among other things. I was then forced to move back in with my roommate who spent every waking moment pantsless. That’s a taboo on Earth, by the way. Oh and I may have developed appendicitis.” I shrugged, “I never found out. Life kinda sucks, but death has its benefits,” I admitted with a sardonic smirk.

“Uh… I only understood about half of the words you just used. What’s an IT guy?” She asked curiously. Wow. She’s actually listening to what I’ve been saying.

“An IT guy is someone who repairs computers and does server maintenance. Fixes all the digital stuff that breaks. In short -- well, shorter, people who had no idea what they were doing broke things, I fixed them, and then the people in question presumably broke them again,” I explained with a wave of my hand… hoof. That would take a fair bit of getting used to.

“Right…” She took a slurp of her drink and then groaned, holding her head.

“You okay?” She nodded and winced before violently rubbing her temples.

“Brainfreeze.” She groaned and shook her head furiously.

“Uh, what are you doing?” I asked. She continued to shake her head.

“My uh… Mom used to tell me that shaking my head would get rid of brainfreeze but… uh, nevermind that… It’s not important.”

“Uhm… okay…” I replied awkwardly.

Great. Stranded in a strange world, marked as the Chosen One, and my only friend was a sociopath with minor schizophrenia. Not the worst week I’d had, honestly.

…

We finished our drinks in silence and eventually Dash left, mumbling something about visiting a friend. How can she have friends? She hits stuff! For fun! I stretched and tossed the person behind the counter a few bits -- golden coins with horseshoes engraved on either side -- before leaving myself, heading back to Twilight’s where hopefully I could get some rest.

Wait a second, She said she was gonna pay for the dri- Oh that motherfu-

“EKey!”

“Huwhat I swear that the cheque’s in the mail!” I shook my head and blinked. Twilight was standing in front of me again her eyes narrowed suggesting annoyance, possibly sleep deprivation as well.

“You’ve been staring off into space for the entire lesson!” She passed me a book. “Read this, it’s called Paradoxical Anomalies in Temporal Magic.”

“I can read the title, dammit...” I muttered and snatched the book from her, sitting down on the couch and opening the first page. Now I considered myself to be a relatively well-read individual but… my God. The text was tiny! I could barely make out the individual letters amongst the stains.

“Twilight, do you have a copy tha-- ah forget it. I’m going to my room.” I stood up and headed downstairs, my limbs aching with each step.

“EKey! Wait, is everything okay?” Twilight called behind me. I turned around and she had a concerned look on her face.

“Uh yeah I’m… Okay, never mind. I can’t keep lying about this. I’m tired, pissed, sore, and stressed! I mean just over a week ago, I was living in a crap apartment with a pantless roommate! I mean it was boring and asinine but at least it was familiar! It was home! Now I’m a horse living in a tree with a unicorn and a dragon and spends every day alternating between reading about magic and being beaten by a rainbow maned pegasus!”

Okay, maybe I was a tad frustrated. But I’m sure most people would be if they were in the same situation as me.

“Why didn’t you mention this earlier, EKey? I mean, we could have tried to help!”

“Tried to help? One member of your group has spent every day this last week openly bea-ghuuugh!” I groaned, a blast of pain slamming through my body, the runes again appearing all over the walls. I contorted into a ball, Twilight voice of concern quickly being overwhelmed by the buzzing sound filling my ears. But then with a flash it was gone!

“I uh… Sorry the body converted again… I think. Do my arms look thinner?” I held them out with a grunt, my face covered in a thin layer of sweat. Twilight looked at me with a huge grin.

“Hey EKey, look in the mirror.” She pointed to the bathroom, still grinning.

The hell happened to me this time? I wandered into the bathroom and examined myself in the mirror. Holy crap. All the bruises had vanished and as a whole I had become a bit slimmer. So I was right about the arms. I held the emblazoned one out, they had also shifted to better match the shape of my arm.

“Oh hey… First time in a while that the change was so drastic.” I stepped out of the bathroom where Twilight was smirking, “What?”

“Nothing, you just look a bit older now. More fleshed out.”

“You saying I’m fat?” I raised an eyebrow and she stammered nervously.

“Nonono not at all! I’m just saying you look more like an adult now!” She blushed a tiny bit. “You should go show Rainbow Dash!”

“That’s a terrible idea! I’m bruise free for the first time this week! I gotta celebrate! I’m gonna go and show off to Rainbow Dash!” I yelled before running out of her house and down the street.

Wait… I just did what she suggested. Dammit!

Author's Note:

Sorry about the massive delay between chapters. University, looking for work, trying to find time to write, and trying to find an apartment can suck up a lot of your free time. Although a large portion of it was mostly spent working on other stories.