Very cute, loving it so far. Just curious though, do you have an editor or pre-reader? There are several sentences that start or end with quotations, minor things but cleaning them up would help with the flow of the reading. One other thing I caught
you stand up and slowly pick her up bridle style
I'm thinking you mean 'bridal' style like how a groom would carry his bride correct? A 'bridle' is what goes over a horse's head that the reins attach to.
It's really cute premise, but your dialogue is extremely disjointed. It's like reading two really, really bad actors acting a love scene.
"Ah I see, well that does not sound too bad" This for instance. Could you imagine someone actually saying 'does not' in there? 'Doesn't' seems more likely.
Also you may need to get yourself a proofreader, or a much better one of if you already have one. There are punctuational errors all over the place, especially speech marks.
i love this fucking story its the second best story i have ever read in my life i need to ask you a question is it ok if i pm you T.T i love your writing style
2338532 How about cutting his joints off with a serrated, white-hot knife, opening a slit in his belly and attaching his intestines to a spiked wheel and pulling them out? Ah sadism. I'm so fucking crazy!!
… “So, what all do we need” – Remove ‘all’. … “some other things.” – Place a quotation mark at the end of the sentence. … “Ah I see, well” – Place a quotation mark at the start of the sentence. … “its bright sunny color” – Place a comma between ‘bright’ and ‘sunny’. … “that love at first sight thing” – Place hyphens between the words of ‘love at first sight’. … “gaining you attention.” – ‘you’ should be ‘your’. … “Oh uh, It’s nothing” – ‘It’s’ shouldn’t be capitalized. … “don’t worry about it.” – Place a quotation mark after the period. … “at the market place” – ‘market’ and ‘place’ should be one word: ‘marketplace’. … “It was a buzz” – ‘a’ and ‘buzz’ should be one word: ‘abuzz’. … ““As you looked around” – Remove the quotation mark. … “He is so kind hearted” – Place a hyphen between ‘kind’ and ‘hearted’. … “thanking you but then” – Place a comma between ‘you’ and ‘but’. … “you’re running squirt!”” – Place a comma between ‘running’ and ‘squirt’. … “You look him dead on in” – Remove ‘on’. … “You say in defense” – Place ‘your’ between ‘in’ and ‘defense’. … “What’d you say to me loser?” – Place a comma between ‘me’ and ‘loser’. … “and the wall eyes” – Place a hyphen between ‘wall’ and ‘eyes’. … “again to blind side” – ‘blind’ and ‘side’ should be one word: ‘blindside’. … “You simply say” – Place a period at the end of the sentence. … “states as he shrugs” – Place a period at the end of the sentence. … “fights and learnt” – ‘learnt’ should be ‘learned’. … “After about several minutes” – Either use ‘about’, a number, and ‘minutes’, or ‘After several minutes’: Several isn’t a number, so it doesn’t need a word of estimation such as ‘about’. … “sized, Two-story house” – ‘Two’ shouldn’t be capitalized. … “She then asks to help” – Place ‘you’ between ‘asks’ and ‘to’. … “rest of the day? You” – Place a quotation mark after the question mark. … “afterwards.” Derpy states” – Place a period after ‘states’. … “my friend!” Derpy yelled” – Place a period after ‘yelled’. … “brown fur with plain shirt” – Place ‘a’ between ‘with’ and ‘plain’. … “you spoke up “Derpy” – Place a period or a comma after ‘up’. … ““But!-” Derpy” – Place the hyphen before the exclamation mark, rather than after. … “Why did that have to happen?” – Again, the narrative shouldn’t present questions or exclamations. That should be left to internal monologue, or the characters talking to themselves aloud. … “decide it best” – ‘it’ should be ‘it’s’. … “couple of hours past” – ‘past’ should either be ‘pass’ (present tense) or ‘passed’ (past tense). … “You wonder if it is Derpy” – Since this is a thought by the protagonist, ‘You’ should be ‘I’. … “removing your hand away” – ‘removing’ should be ‘moving’. … “before in incident” – ‘in’ should be ‘the’. … “little to tipsy” – ‘to’ should be ‘too’. … “bridal style” – Place a hyphen between these two words. … “that let in moon light” – ‘moon’ and ‘light’ should be one word: ‘moonlight’. … “Luckily, your boxers were just like shorts” – Boxers? Please… I keep things ‘brief’. … “it like that I was” – Place a comma between ‘that’ and ‘I’.
So, the errors were consistent in terms of them being in the past/present-tense. The same goes for the rather robotic dialogue due to a lack of word contractions (I + will = I'll). These will likely not change in the remaining chapters, but what I wanted to get into is the story.
Amazing development, and so quick. Acceptance mixed with the steady degree of ignorance, only from more meaningful sources. Just when a child accepts who the protagonist is, he's got some chump to deal with. I can't help but feel that when the hand grabbed the fist, that the image would make that hand seem HUGE... Like... abnormally-huge.
YAY! DERPY'S FATHE-Oooooooohhhhhh boy this is gonna go places no mare should ever have to go . And just when it couldn't get worse... you pull NO PUNCHES in making things as painful as possible for the reader.
... Admirable.
The connection the reader feels to Derpy comes from an increase in their "protective instincts". This, is great writing for that. It removes pity as the connection and replaces it with wanting to truly help her, and by doing so, helping yourself. I'm also proud to say that this is a great story for Derpy to lead in. It doesn't seem like she could be replaced by another mare, and I admire that highly. Onto the next chapter.
2715658 My proofread skillz, let me show you them!
“Oh really? Then it is fair game if I do this!” You take a small piece of the muffin in your fingers before tearing a small piece off and popping it in your mouth.
Um, kinda took our lives into our hands with that, didn't we?
“Well I guess that figures. I should learn not to open my big mouth. I wonder who she is getting presents for though.” You curiously thought to yourself letting your gaze drift over to her.
I'm glad this had a good fight scene in it, because eight years of martial arts probably would have helped me in a situation like that, with being a 5'10", 168 pound guy
dawwwwww its so cute
Very cute, loving it so far. Just curious though, do you have an editor or pre-reader? There are several sentences that start or end with quotations, minor things but cleaning them up would help with the flow of the reading. One other thing I caught
I'm thinking you mean 'bridal' style like how a groom would carry his bride correct? A 'bridle' is what goes over a horse's head that the reins attach to.
I couldn't stop laughing for a good five minutes for some reason... I believe you meant "Tsk, I won't forget this and you will pay for it!"
Awesome chapter. I read more tomorrow.
I love a good romance story and I found a little more about what the ponies look like better. I guess you should mention their tails more often. ^^;
It's really cute premise, but your dialogue is extremely disjointed. It's like reading two really, really bad actors acting a love scene.
"Ah I see, well that does not sound too bad" This for instance. Could you imagine someone actually saying 'does not' in there? 'Doesn't' seems more likely.
Also you may need to get yourself a proofreader, or a much better one of if you already have one. There are punctuational errors all over the place, especially speech marks.
i love this fucking story
its the second best story i have ever read in my life
i need to ask you a question is it ok if i pm you
T.T
i love your writing style
Oh my god derpy loves me
Derpy's dad........there he is......safety off and...........he's down.
Don't worry, they're tranquillity rounds. My friends and I are going to........'talk' with him.
2338532 so, im feeling the brass knuckles for today, but then again my whip has been a bit neglected lately. I think I will go with that.
2338532 Alright I got the car battery. So do we put the jumper cables on his tounge? Or his balls?
HMMM THATS A TOUGHY....... WHAT DO YOU THINK WOULD BE FUNNIER......
2338532 hmm lets see..... Gag, check. Nails, check. Wires attached to a steady flow of electricity, check. Looks like we're ready to "talk".
2338532 How about cutting his joints off with a serrated, white-hot knife, opening a slit in his belly and attaching his intestines to a spiked wheel and pulling them out? Ah sadism. I'm so fucking crazy!!
Okay, as soon as you're done with "Show Stopper" you better get your mother bucking ass over here, AND FIX THESE ERRORS. This is bucking ridiculous!
2382258 Why not both?
*Mexican Fiesta*
2493319 Wasn't that in "The Cell"? It sounds familiar...
Chapter Two with Derpy Hooves. Let’s begin.
… “So, what all do we need” – Remove ‘all’.
… “some other things.” – Place a quotation mark at the end of the sentence.
… “Ah I see, well” – Place a quotation mark at the start of the sentence.
… “its bright sunny color” – Place a comma between ‘bright’ and ‘sunny’.
… “that love at first sight thing” – Place hyphens between the words of ‘love at first sight’.
… “gaining you attention.” – ‘you’ should be ‘your’.
… “Oh uh, It’s nothing” – ‘It’s’ shouldn’t be capitalized.
… “don’t worry about it.” – Place a quotation mark after the period.
… “at the market place” – ‘market’ and ‘place’ should be one word: ‘marketplace’.
… “It was a buzz” – ‘a’ and ‘buzz’ should be one word: ‘abuzz’.
… ““As you looked around” – Remove the quotation mark.
… “He is so kind hearted” – Place a hyphen between ‘kind’ and ‘hearted’.
… “thanking you but then” – Place a comma between ‘you’ and ‘but’.
… “you’re running squirt!”” – Place a comma between ‘running’ and ‘squirt’.
… “You look him dead on in” – Remove ‘on’.
… “You say in defense” – Place ‘your’ between ‘in’ and ‘defense’.
… “What’d you say to me loser?” – Place a comma between ‘me’ and ‘loser’.
… “and the wall eyes” – Place a hyphen between ‘wall’ and ‘eyes’.
… “again to blind side” – ‘blind’ and ‘side’ should be one word: ‘blindside’.
… “You simply say” – Place a period at the end of the sentence.
… “states as he shrugs” – Place a period at the end of the sentence.
… “fights and learnt” – ‘learnt’ should be ‘learned’.
… “After about several minutes” – Either use ‘about’, a number, and ‘minutes’, or ‘After several minutes’: Several isn’t a number, so it doesn’t need a word of estimation such as ‘about’.
… “sized, Two-story house” – ‘Two’ shouldn’t be capitalized.
… “She then asks to help” – Place ‘you’ between ‘asks’ and ‘to’.
… “rest of the day? You” – Place a quotation mark after the question mark.
… “afterwards.” Derpy states” – Place a period after ‘states’.
… “my friend!” Derpy yelled” – Place a period after ‘yelled’.
… “brown fur with plain shirt” – Place ‘a’ between ‘with’ and ‘plain’.
… “you spoke up “Derpy” – Place a period or a comma after ‘up’.
… ““But!-” Derpy” – Place the hyphen before the exclamation mark, rather than after.
… “Why did that have to happen?” – Again, the narrative shouldn’t present questions or exclamations. That should be left to internal monologue, or the characters talking to themselves aloud.
… “decide it best” – ‘it’ should be ‘it’s’.
… “couple of hours past” – ‘past’ should either be ‘pass’ (present tense) or ‘passed’ (past tense).
… “You wonder if it is Derpy” – Since this is a thought by the protagonist, ‘You’ should be ‘I’.
… “removing your hand away” – ‘removing’ should be ‘moving’.
… “before in incident” – ‘in’ should be ‘the’.
… “little to tipsy” – ‘to’ should be ‘too’.
… “bridal style” – Place a hyphen between these two words.
… “that let in moon light” – ‘moon’ and ‘light’ should be one word: ‘moonlight’.
… “Luckily, your boxers were just like shorts” – Boxers? Please… I keep things ‘brief’.
… “it like that I was” – Place a comma between ‘that’ and ‘I’.
So, the errors were consistent in terms of them being in the past/present-tense. The same goes for the rather robotic dialogue due to a lack of word contractions (I + will = I'll). These will likely not change in the remaining chapters, but what I wanted to get into is the story.
Amazing development, and so quick. Acceptance mixed with the steady degree of ignorance, only from more meaningful sources. Just when a child accepts who the protagonist is, he's got some chump to deal with. I can't help but feel that when the hand grabbed the fist, that the image would make that hand seem HUGE... Like... abnormally-huge.
YAY! DERPY'S FATHE-Oooooooohhhhhh boy this is gonna go places no mare should ever have to go . And just when it couldn't get worse... you pull NO PUNCHES in making things as painful as possible for the reader.
... Admirable.
The connection the reader feels to Derpy comes from an increase in their "protective instincts". This, is great writing for that. It removes pity as the connection and replaces it with wanting to truly help her, and by doing so, helping yourself. I'm also proud to say that this is a great story for Derpy to lead in. It doesn't seem like she could be replaced by another mare, and I admire that highly. Onto the next chapter.
2715658 My proofread skillz, let me show you them!
“Oh really? Then it is fair game if I do this!” You take a small piece of the muffin in your fingers before tearing a small piece off and popping it in your mouth.
Um, kinda took our lives into our hands with that, didn't we?
Also, contractions are your friend! Try using "I'm" instead of "I am" and "you're" instead of "you are". It'll read a lot better.
3189895 Heh Pregnant women tend to differ on contractions
1951810 Damn right, it is!
so cute
4315199 so is your avatar
As I read this fanfic, I feel like I'm reading a Romance manga.
2338532 Well, I haven't been waterboarding in a while, so lets see how that goes!
Italicized thoughts don't require quotation marks
I'm glad this had a good fight scene in it, because eight years of martial arts probably would have helped me in a situation like that, with being a 5'10", 168 pound guy
Umm guys....I was like number 666...... Should I be worried or something...!?
Seriously should I?
3189895 Ive noticed a few mistakes in this, but its funny how your mind corrects for that!
so cute :)
2493319 Calm down dude. Like, for real.