Awesome my brother, not one for HIE or second person but it's Derpy so I'm 100 percent down. Don't mind that they wear clothes but do they have hands or hooves?
Kind of dissapointed that you didn't describe exactly what they look like. I guess it's up to imagination like it's supposed to be.
Oh yeah here's a mistake you made and here's the fix: Mis: Hey, these are amazing! They’re cooked perfectly!” You say threw bites Fix:"Hey, these are amazing! They’re cooked perfectly!” You say through bites
I'm sorry, I love the concept of the story, but chapter 1 is where I will be stopping. It may not bother a lot of other people, but you're dialogue just sounds too... robotic. If you read it aloud to yourself, there's no emotion in the words. Many of the words you used could be combined like: "You do not seem to smell bad." That would flow so much better if it was "You don't seem to smell bad." This line irked me as well: “Good morning! I am off on mail deliveries. I am Ponyville’s mail mare." Like I said, robotic. You could have easily combined those two sentences to make it sound a lot better. It just feels like the characters are reading from a script. Also noticed a few punctuation errors here and there (missing quotation marks, etc...) and a couple of missing words in some sentences. Overall though, it's a great concept for a story.
I wish I could reply to all the people with funny/interesting comments. It's my thing, but alas, I don't have the time.
This was well done, but as someone mentioned earlier, where're the words that have apostrophes? Ex: isn't, wasn't, I'm, Can't, Don't, They're. See what we're talking about?
It’s time to go back to my old format of proofreading and reviewing. ……… This is going to be painful. As previously done, there’s a consistent shift in present and past tense, so I won’t address that throughout the story as it would make this at least twice as long.
… “One of them leans towards” – Since you mentioned three young ponies, you really should change ‘One of them’ to ‘One of the colts’. … “you knew it has to be” – This is a mix of present and past tense in a single sentence. Either ‘knew’ should be ‘know’, or ‘has’ should be ‘had’. … “you have had to deal” – Change ‘you have’ to ‘you’ve’. … “some of the equines bad attitude” – Possessive terms require apostrophes. ‘Equines’ should be ‘equines’ ‘: Place an apostrophe at the end of the word to give the plural word, possessive characteristics. … “any of that too heart” – ‘too’ should be ‘to’. … “days. The words” – Replace the comma with a period, and place ‘The’ in lowercase. … “come to earth” – Since Earth is a place, capitalize it. … “out their sight” – ‘out their sight’ should be ‘out of their line of sight’. … “anything special or anything” – Remove the first ‘anything’: It sounds a bit repetitive. … “her friends It was” – ‘It’ shouldn’t be capitalized. … “Again, you have done something wrong.” – I did? … “your now sore forehead” – Place a hyphen between ‘now’ and ‘sore’. … “Oh Yes, I’m” – Either ‘Yes’ shouldn’t be capitalized, or “Oh” needs an exclamation mark or period after it. … “she started cheerfully” – Did you mean ‘stated’? Also, add a period after ‘cheerfully’. … “one of the filly’s from earlier” – ‘filly’s’ should be ‘fillies’. … “Hey Miss, you should” – Minor complaint: What kind of filly would yell “Miss” to an older mare? “Lady”, maybe, or “Mare”, or “Ma’am”… … “at the count of another rumor spread about you” – I think ‘count’ should be ‘sound’. … “watching you as went on” – Place ‘you’ between ‘as’ and ‘went’. … “help from Twilight and her friends for help” – Erm… No need to say ‘help’ twice, mate. … “You see the same grey mare from earlier stands” – ‘stands’ should be ‘standing’, OR place ‘as’ between ‘see’ and ‘the’. … ““Hello!” She exclaims” – Place a period after ‘exclaims’. … “anyway!” She huffs” – Place a period after ‘huffs’. … “at her antics” – Place a period after ‘antics’. … “you see Derpy hovering in midair” – Kinda off-topic, but at this point of the story, it wasn’t directly mentioned that she had wings, or was a Pegasus-mare. Consider stating this, clearly, earlier in the story, like when mentioning her features. … “over the treat” – ‘treat’ should be ‘treats’, since several muffins were made. … “You smile at her making Derpy's” – Place a comma between ‘her’ and ‘making’. … “also head off to sleep.” – Place a quotation mark after the period. … “to your room were you walk” – ‘were’ should be ‘where’. … “changing into cloths” – ‘cloths’ should be ‘clothes’… I think. … “was to start the day off was” – Change the second ‘was’ to ‘in’. … “for you eventually, sooner or later.” – Either keep ‘eventually’, or ‘sooner or later’: They mean the same thing, so don’t put them together like that. … “closing shop little early” – Place an ‘a’ between ‘shop’ and ‘little’. … “she was teary eyed” – Place a hyphen between ‘teary’ and ‘eyed’. … “nothing a Band-Aid won’t” – Refrain from using licensed product names for basic products: “Band-Aid, Kleenex”, etc. The proper word is “a bandage”. … “her fall into you” – Place a period after ‘you’. … “slightly cross eyed, I” – Place a hyphen between ‘cross’ and ‘eyed’. … “previous life like?” – Place a quotation mark after the question mark. … “were not all the close to me” – ‘the’ should be ‘that’. … “making you start salivating.”” – Remove the quotation mark at the end. … “Hey, these are amazing” – Place a quotation mark at the start. … “You say though bites.” – ‘though’ should be ‘through’. … “you like them. She then” – Place a quotation mark after the period. … “if you would you want to” – Remove the second ‘you’. … “She smiles at response.” – Change ‘at’ to ‘in, OR place ‘your’ between ‘at’ and ‘response’. … “Oh um, Hey,” – ‘Hey’ shouldn’t be capitalized. … “these things happen. Derpy” – Place a quotation mark after the period. … “No its okay I promise” – ‘its’ should be ‘it’s’. … “anything first?” She asked” – Place a period at the end. … “well It wasn’t anything” – ‘It’ shouldn’t be capitalized. … “for a get together my dad” – Place a hyphen between ‘get’ and ‘together’.
Okay, I have no idea whether or not this is meant to be in either past or present tense. This IS an error that remains consistent in your works (aside from Show Stopper, but does that count? ), and I’ve never been able to quite understand how it’s so… balanced. I mean, you make them so even that I can’t make heads or tails on what it’s MEANT to be.
Also, I cannot begin to state the importance of apostrophes in order to make the dialogue come across more naturally. "I am = I'm", "You are = You're", etc.
Aside from that, though... I really like what this story has to offer! The dialogue is simple and very second-person-friendly, though I kind've wish we could've gone through the conversations with Derpy a bit more than the "you talked for a while..." that was used in place of it, so we could've learned more about Derpy. I really like how well her personality has been captured: A perfect depiction of how most viewers see her: Carefree and fun with a hint of silliness.
The sound of crunching snow catches your attention and turn towards the sound just in time to get a snowball to the side of the face. A sharp pain soon follows making you grab your cheek with a small yelp. Grabbing the wad of snow, you immediately feel a small rock in the snow as well. Wiping off the melting snow and looking up at the kids with an expression of annoyance on your face, you notice there laughter quickly died down, quickly followed by them running away in fright.
Heh! You know what I would do in such a situation. Next time I see these kids with their mothers, I'd call their moms and talk to them. I'd tell them to listen without arguing. Then I'd explain how that thrown snowball has lead me to believe that they are teaching their kids lessons of hatred and ostracism. And then I'd say "I have but one last thing to say to you: You are bad parents!" and then I'd leave these mothers and never approach them or their families ever again.
Wiping off the melting snow and looking up at the kids with an expression of annoyance on your face, you notice there laughter quickly died down, quickly followed by them running away in fright.
Well, as cute of a story as this is, the lack of refinement is keeping me from finishing it. The dialogue desperately needs work, that's the biggest problem I see. Next is contractions; "I'm", "we're", "they're", and so on. If those two things were fixed, this story would be immensely better.
Wouldn't it be something if they made a game where you played a human who had just been transported to Equestria, and had to gain everypony's trust and friendships in all the cities and towns. Kinda like the Sims, but with ponies, and almost everypony is either a jerk or afraid of you.
Kinda ish you used the name Ditzy Doo, and not derpy, but oh well.
Awesome my brother, not one for HIE or second person but it's Derpy so I'm 100 percent down. Don't mind that they wear clothes but do they have hands or hooves?
I like where this is going. Seems like one of those cute, fun reads.
Like/Fav
Good start, never thought an anthro pony story could work so well but this is decently executed.
I love it but sadly. I'm still unable to add anything to favorites and I don't know why.
Kind of dissapointed that you didn't describe exactly what they look like. I guess it's up to imagination like it's supposed to be.
Oh yeah here's a mistake you made and here's the fix:
Mis: Hey, these are amazing! They’re cooked perfectly!” You say threw bites
Fix:"Hey, these are amazing! They’re cooked perfectly!” You say through bites
I love how anyone can be the main charcture
Love a and tolerance my ass. The ponyvill you descried makes everypony sound like intolerant asses. No offense to the mule foke
eventually, sooner or later
um I think you meant eventually or sooner or later not both together it sounds odd.
I'm sorry, I love the concept of the story, but chapter 1 is where I will be stopping.
It may not bother a lot of other people, but you're dialogue just sounds too... robotic. If you read it aloud to yourself, there's no emotion in the words. Many of the words you used could be combined like: "You do not seem to smell bad." That would flow so much better if it was "You don't seem to smell bad."
This line irked me as well: “Good morning! I am off on mail deliveries. I am Ponyville’s mail mare." Like I said, robotic. You could have easily combined those two sentences to make it sound a lot better. It just feels like the characters are reading from a script.
Also noticed a few punctuation errors here and there (missing quotation marks, etc...) and a couple of missing words in some sentences.
Overall though, it's a great concept for a story.
i have one problem ....this is AWESOME i shall read on
Okay, I can believe that this is 'me' even more, because they are my favourite muffins!!
Peanut butter muffins?
Author, get into my bed right now.
Am I the only one that hears the 11th doctors voice?
I wish I could reply to all the people with funny/interesting comments. It's my thing, but alas, I don't have the time.
This was well done, but as someone mentioned earlier, where're the words that have apostrophes? Ex: isn't, wasn't, I'm, Can't, Don't, They're. See what we're talking about?
It’s time to go back to my old format of proofreading and reviewing.
……… This is going to be painful. As previously done, there’s a consistent shift in present and past tense, so I won’t address that throughout the story as it would make this at least twice as long.
… “One of them leans towards” – Since you mentioned three young ponies, you really should change ‘One of them’ to ‘One of the colts’.
… “you knew it has to be” – This is a mix of present and past tense in a single sentence. Either ‘knew’ should be ‘know’, or ‘has’ should be ‘had’.
… “you have had to deal” – Change ‘you have’ to ‘you’ve’.
… “some of the equines bad attitude” – Possessive terms require apostrophes. ‘Equines’ should be ‘equines’ ‘: Place an apostrophe at the end of the word to give the plural word, possessive characteristics.
… “any of that too heart” – ‘too’ should be ‘to’.
… “days. The words” – Replace the comma with a period, and place ‘The’ in lowercase.
… “come to earth” – Since Earth is a place, capitalize it.
… “out their sight” – ‘out their sight’ should be ‘out of their line of sight’.
… “anything special or anything” – Remove the first ‘anything’: It sounds a bit repetitive.
… “her friends It was” – ‘It’ shouldn’t be capitalized.
… “Again, you have done something wrong.” – I did?
… “your now sore forehead” – Place a hyphen between ‘now’ and ‘sore’.
… “Oh Yes, I’m” – Either ‘Yes’ shouldn’t be capitalized, or “Oh” needs an exclamation mark or period after it.
… “she started cheerfully” – Did you mean ‘stated’? Also, add a period after ‘cheerfully’.
… “one of the filly’s from earlier” – ‘filly’s’ should be ‘fillies’.
… “Hey Miss, you should” – Minor complaint: What kind of filly would yell “Miss” to an older mare? “Lady”, maybe, or “Mare”, or “Ma’am”…
… “at the count of another rumor spread about you” – I think ‘count’ should be ‘sound’.
… “watching you as went on” – Place ‘you’ between ‘as’ and ‘went’.
… “help from Twilight and her friends for help” – Erm… No need to say ‘help’ twice, mate.
… “You see the same grey mare from earlier stands” – ‘stands’ should be ‘standing’, OR place ‘as’ between ‘see’ and ‘the’.
… ““Hello!” She exclaims” – Place a period after ‘exclaims’.
… “anyway!” She huffs” – Place a period after ‘huffs’.
… “at her antics” – Place a period after ‘antics’.
… “you see Derpy hovering in midair” – Kinda off-topic, but at this point of the story, it wasn’t directly mentioned that she had wings, or was a Pegasus-mare. Consider stating this, clearly, earlier in the story, like when mentioning her features.
… “over the treat” – ‘treat’ should be ‘treats’, since several muffins were made.
… “You smile at her making Derpy's” – Place a comma between ‘her’ and ‘making’.
… “also head off to sleep.” – Place a quotation mark after the period.
… “to your room were you walk” – ‘were’ should be ‘where’.
… “changing into cloths” – ‘cloths’ should be ‘clothes’… I think.
… “was to start the day off was” – Change the second ‘was’ to ‘in’.
… “for you eventually, sooner or later.” – Either keep ‘eventually’, or ‘sooner or later’: They mean the same thing, so don’t put them together like that.
… “closing shop little early” – Place an ‘a’ between ‘shop’ and ‘little’.
… “she was teary eyed” – Place a hyphen between ‘teary’ and ‘eyed’.
… “nothing a Band-Aid won’t” – Refrain from using licensed product names for basic products: “Band-Aid, Kleenex”, etc. The proper word is “a bandage”.
… “her fall into you” – Place a period after ‘you’.
… “slightly cross eyed, I” – Place a hyphen between ‘cross’ and ‘eyed’.
… “previous life like?” – Place a quotation mark after the question mark.
… “were not all the close to me” – ‘the’ should be ‘that’.
… “making you start salivating.”” – Remove the quotation mark at the end.
… “Hey, these are amazing” – Place a quotation mark at the start.
… “You say though bites.” – ‘though’ should be ‘through’.
… “you like them. She then” – Place a quotation mark after the period.
… “if you would you want to” – Remove the second ‘you’.
… “She smiles at response.” – Change ‘at’ to ‘in, OR place ‘your’ between ‘at’ and ‘response’.
… “Oh um, Hey,” – ‘Hey’ shouldn’t be capitalized.
… “these things happen. Derpy” – Place a quotation mark after the period.
… “No its okay I promise” – ‘its’ should be ‘it’s’.
… “anything first?” She asked” – Place a period at the end.
… “well It wasn’t anything” – ‘It’ shouldn’t be capitalized.
… “for a get together my dad” – Place a hyphen between ‘get’ and ‘together’.
Okay, I have no idea whether or not this is meant to be in either past or present tense. This IS an error that remains consistent in your works (aside from Show Stopper, but does that count? ), and I’ve never been able to quite understand how it’s so… balanced. I mean, you make them so even that I can’t make heads or tails on what it’s MEANT to be.
Also, I cannot begin to state the importance of apostrophes in order to make the dialogue come across more naturally. "I am = I'm", "You are = You're", etc.
Aside from that, though... I really like what this story has to offer! The dialogue is simple and very second-person-friendly, though I kind've wish we could've gone through the conversations with Derpy a bit more than the "you talked for a while..." that was used in place of it, so we could've learned more about Derpy. I really like how well her personality has been captured: A perfect depiction of how most viewers see her: Carefree and fun with a hint of silliness.
I'm going to enjoy this story... I hope.
Derpy's muffin sense is a tingling.
This rather adorable. Will fave and like.
this is actually quite adorable, I know it seems weird coming from a guy but I'm being honest.
That was an awesome chapter to start off this series
Heh! You know what I would do in such a situation. Next time I see these kids with their mothers, I'd call their moms and talk to them. I'd tell them to listen without arguing. Then I'd explain how that thrown snowball has lead me to believe that they are teaching their kids lessons of hatred and ostracism. And then I'd say "I have but one last thing to say to you: You are bad parents!" and then I'd leave these mothers and never approach them or their families ever again.
"Their" instead of "there"
3454500 no weirder than guys like us actually on this website dedicated to mlp stories
Well, as cute of a story as this is, the lack of refinement is keeping me from finishing it. The dialogue desperately needs work, that's the biggest problem I see. Next is contractions; "I'm", "we're", "they're", and so on. If those two things were fixed, this story would be immensely better.
Wouldn't it be something if they made a game where you played a human who had just been transported to Equestria, and had to gain everypony's trust and friendships in all the cities and towns. Kinda like the Sims, but with ponies, and almost everypony is either a jerk or afraid of you.