When that guy came back, I was thinking of giving them the brutal beatdown if they started the fight again. Maybe even fight them with fireworks if I had any.
Also these lines remind me of too much of Persona 4:
You look at the books title and read it aloud. “Dating Advice for beginners”
You proceed to open and read the book. However, the more you read, the more it just seems like a waste of time. Tossing the book on the coffee table, you decide to just eat, go read something else and think of a solution yourself.
“It’s not like I need help anyway. I will do it on my own.” You say to yourself.
Before you knew it, the day wastes away and night takes over. You figure it would be wise to go to bed early tonight to make sure you not tired for tomorrow.
Since you can read the book and whenever something important happens the game suggest you should go to bed early to handle tomorrow.
Thought the play was at seven tonight....did he miss it? And damn, shit is getting crazy with a badass stallion trying to fight the human....wonder where the Mane Six and other ponies are?
Chapter two ended with a rather… interesting note, with several plot points to consider pursuing. Let’s continue.
… “its velvet like softness” – Place a hyphen between ‘velvet’ and ‘like’. … “conforming your suspicions” – ‘conforming’ should be ‘confirming’. … “much as, to why she” – Remove the comma, as well as ‘to’. … “You blush deepens” – ‘You’ should be ‘Your’. … ““ Oh no,” – Remove the space between the quotation mark and ‘Oh’. … “You though as she” – ‘though’ should be ‘thought’. … “face to face with you” – ‘face to face’ should have hyphens: ‘face-to-face’. … “However, could you do it?” – Narrator, stop asking questions! … ““Your eyes slowly close” – Remove the quotation mark. … “Upon hearing your name, snaps you” – Remove ‘Upon’, and the comma. … “grab some cloths and” – ‘cloths’ should be ‘clothes’. … “and wouldn’t try to peek.” She slowly sat up.” – Well if you know she slowly sat up, you peeked. I think you meant to say “and I wouldn’t try to peek”, since it’s Derpy saying it. … “just don’t flush-“” – The quotation mark is the wrong way around. … “it without thinking. Derpy” – Place a quotation mark after the period. … “it, its fine.”” – ‘its’ should be ‘it’s’. … “if that happened.” – Place a quotation mark after the period. … “Her face reddens” – Place a period at the end of the sentence. … “me.” Derpy states” – Place a period after ‘states’. … “off center again” – Place a hyphen between ‘off’ and ‘center’. … “Cuddled up to her felt” – ‘Cuddled’ should be ‘cuddling’. … ““Derpy looks into your” – Remove the quotation mark at the start. … ““ You know” – Remove the space between the quotation mark and ‘You’. … “Nothing I said” – Place a quotation mark at the start, and place a comma between ‘Nothing’ and ‘I’. … “that-“She” – The quotation mark is the wrong way around. Also, place a space between the aforementioned quotation mark, and ‘She’. … “following by you” – ‘following’ should be ‘followed’, OR you can remove ‘by’. … “You smile back at Her.” – ‘Her’ shouldn’t be capitalized. … “Hearths Warming Eve is a” – ‘Hearths’ needs an apostrophe: ‘Hearth’s’. … “small heart locket for sell” – Likely, ‘sell’ should be ‘sale’. … “he places it in s special” – ‘s’ should be ‘a’. … “you head to you to the living room” – Remove ‘to you’. … “at the books title” – ‘books’ should be ‘book’s’. … “aloud. “Dating Advice for beginners”” – First of all, ‘for’ and “beginners’ should both be capitalized. Secondly, since it’s a book title, it should be in italics. … “make sure you not tired” – ‘you’ should be ‘you’re’. … “into sleeps grasp” – ‘sleeps’ should be ‘sleep’s’. … “You have taken a path many times” – Did you mean “It was a path you have taken many times”? … “she says. “What are you doing here so early?” She asks” – You don’t need ‘she says’ and ‘She asks’ in this sentence. … “ran back up stairs” – ‘up’ and ‘stairs’ should be one word: ‘upstairs’. … “Doing as your told” – ‘your’ should be ‘you’re’. … “no sighs of Derpy” – ‘sighs’ should be ‘signs’. … “I’d rather no start trouble” – ‘no’ should be ‘not’. … “was over reacting a bit” – ‘over’ and ‘reacting’ should be one word: ‘overreacting’. … “She said after the silence” – The father’s speaking, so ‘She’ should be ‘he’. … “state to her father” – Place a period after ‘father’. … “yours and Derpy’s face to redden.” – ‘face’ should be ‘faces’. … “by not think about” – ‘think’ should be ‘thinking’. … “take one-step at a time” – ‘one-step’ should be ‘one step’: Remove the hyphen. … “in hopes to satisfy” – ‘to satisfy’ should be ‘of satisfying’. … “is it true that you are that you’re” – Remove ‘that you are’. … “to see the Stallion” – ‘Stallion’ shouldn’t be capitalized. … “you. In addition to a couple of others, you” – Replace the period with a comma, and remove the second comma. … “Where’s wall eyes” – Place a hyphen between ‘wall’ and ‘eyes’. … ““ Her name is Derpy” – Remove the space between the quotation mark and ‘Her’. … “all, simple mindedness” – Place a hyphen between ‘simple’ and ‘mindedness’. … “walking passed you” – ‘passed’ should be ‘past’. … “and look or her” – ‘or’ should be ‘for’. … “passing a few stallion” – ‘stallion’ should be plural, thus, ‘stallions’. … “nice then anything” – ‘then’ should be ‘than’. … “peasant cloths to royalty” – I THINK ‘cloths’ should be ‘clothes’. … “the other to as she” – ‘to’ should be ‘two’. … “you suppose? One” – Place a quotation mark after the question mark. … “be straight forward with” – ‘straight’ and ‘forward’ should be one word: straightforward. … “alone, its fine.”” – ‘its’ should be ‘it’s’. … “to a Hearths Warming” – ‘Hearths’ should be ‘Hearth’s’. … “calm and collect as” – ‘collect’ should be ‘collected’. … “must be over thinking” – Place a hyphen between ‘over’ and ‘thinking’. … “more than you realize however.” – Place a comma between ‘realize’ and ‘however’. … “images of Derpy flash” – ‘as’ should be placed before ‘images’. … “stand up and stretch” – Place a period after ‘stretch’.
This certainly has a significant amount of build-up, though I don’t like the bullying stallion very much. If he wasn’t clearly leading up to something, I’d even consider requesting his removal from the story, but I know it’s GOT to go somewhere, so I’ll accept it as it is… for now.
Next comes the scenes of development through people liking the protagonist. Well, this wasn’t bad at all for an idea: You’re just helping out, hoping for the best of outcomes to come around, and that’s pretty much the best you can hope for at any point in time. No forcing, just “being yourself and helping”. Simple and believable, without everyone immediately trusting you; very nicely executed.
On the negative side of things, I thought the father got off way too easily in terms of Derpy forgiving him. Maybe it’s who she is, but I would hang that little blade over his head like a guillotine. I mean he got drunk, and hit her! That fact got pushed aside way too quickly. Also, Derpy’s antics in the bathroom were… so believable. I loved it.
All in all? I’m ready for what’s up, next. A date, huh? Better be ready for it.
2892436 (Reads wall of text and constructive criticism) Dude, you're dedicated, not to mention you clearly know what you're talking about. Bravo. Having someone as dedicated as yourself give my own work a once-over would be no burden for me to bear.
3189933 I'm a firm believer that, if I want to truly leave my appreciation for a story and author, the LEAST I can do is point out errors so that they can possibly correct them in the future, so that new, prospective followers can read, smile, and say "Wow, that was really well-written, I'm glad I read this story."
It doesn't matter how it's done, but in the long run, others WILL benefit from it, and everyone loves a wonderful, well-written story.
3260670 I have a policy: The least I can do as a reader, is attempt to show my gratitude for being entertained by an author's story. As a result, I feel it's my duty to proofread and review, so that other prospective readers can see stories and go, "Hey, this is really good!" and maybe consider following the author, providing their continued viewership.
After all, as writers, most of us strive to continuously improve, and I love seeing others improve in their craft!
“And I’m sure you have nothing better in your life then to try to provoke me am I right? After all, simple mindedness seems to be your strong suit.” You say mockingly back.
“And I’m sure you have nothing better in your life then to try to provoke me am I right? After all, simple mindedness seems to be your strong suit.” You say mockingly back.
Should be 'hostile'.
Still looking very good though, now onward to confessions!
Excellent story. I'm loving it.
When that guy came back, I was thinking of giving them the brutal beatdown if they started the fight again. Maybe even fight them with fireworks if I had any.
Also these lines remind me of too much of Persona 4:
Since you can read the book and whenever something important happens the game suggest you should go to bed early to handle tomorrow.
During the bed scene i was like "KISS HER YOU FUCKING MORON "
Thought the play was at seven tonight....did he miss it? And damn, shit is getting crazy with a badass stallion trying to fight the human....wonder where the Mane Six and other ponies are?
Looks like our 'talk' with her dad worked out. Now as for this other stallion.....I know of the perfect place to put him.
There's a crater two days south of Appleloosa that used to be a Changeling hive. Seems appropriate.
2338557 Huh, my blowtorch hasn't been used in awhile. I wonder what a metal infused Stallion, Whilst screaming in complete agony, would look like.
I'm a little confused,
Are the ponies in this story anthro ponies?
2393053 Indeed they are.
... Sorry, fourteen-weeks late.
Chapter two ended with a rather… interesting note, with several plot points to consider pursuing. Let’s continue.
… “its velvet like softness” – Place a hyphen between ‘velvet’ and ‘like’.
… “conforming your suspicions” – ‘conforming’ should be ‘confirming’.
… “much as, to why she” – Remove the comma, as well as ‘to’.
… “You blush deepens” – ‘You’ should be ‘Your’.
… ““ Oh no,” – Remove the space between the quotation mark and ‘Oh’.
… “You though as she” – ‘though’ should be ‘thought’.
… “face to face with you” – ‘face to face’ should have hyphens: ‘face-to-face’.
… “However, could you do it?” – Narrator, stop asking questions!
… ““Your eyes slowly close” – Remove the quotation mark.
… “Upon hearing your name, snaps you” – Remove ‘Upon’, and the comma.
… “grab some cloths and” – ‘cloths’ should be ‘clothes’.
… “and wouldn’t try to peek.” She slowly sat up.” – Well if you know she slowly sat up, you peeked. I think you meant to say “and I wouldn’t try to peek”, since it’s Derpy saying it.
… “just don’t flush-“” – The quotation mark is the wrong way around.
… “it without thinking. Derpy” – Place a quotation mark after the period.
… “it, its fine.”” – ‘its’ should be ‘it’s’.
… “if that happened.” – Place a quotation mark after the period.
… “Her face reddens” – Place a period at the end of the sentence.
… “me.” Derpy states” – Place a period after ‘states’.
… “off center again” – Place a hyphen between ‘off’ and ‘center’.
… “Cuddled up to her felt” – ‘Cuddled’ should be ‘cuddling’.
… ““Derpy looks into your” – Remove the quotation mark at the start.
… ““ You know” – Remove the space between the quotation mark and ‘You’.
… “Nothing I said” – Place a quotation mark at the start, and place a comma between ‘Nothing’ and ‘I’.
… “that-“She” – The quotation mark is the wrong way around. Also, place a space between the aforementioned quotation mark, and ‘She’.
… “following by you” – ‘following’ should be ‘followed’, OR you can remove ‘by’.
… “You smile back at Her.” – ‘Her’ shouldn’t be capitalized.
… “Hearths Warming Eve is a” – ‘Hearths’ needs an apostrophe: ‘Hearth’s’.
… “small heart locket for sell” – Likely, ‘sell’ should be ‘sale’.
… “he places it in s special” – ‘s’ should be ‘a’.
… “you head to you to the living room” – Remove ‘to you’.
… “at the books title” – ‘books’ should be ‘book’s’.
… “aloud. “Dating Advice for beginners”” – First of all, ‘for’ and “beginners’ should both be capitalized. Secondly, since it’s a book title, it should be in italics.
… “make sure you not tired” – ‘you’ should be ‘you’re’.
… “into sleeps grasp” – ‘sleeps’ should be ‘sleep’s’.
… “You have taken a path many times” – Did you mean “It was a path you have taken many times”?
… “she says. “What are you doing here so early?” She asks” – You don’t need ‘she says’ and ‘She asks’ in this sentence.
… “ran back up stairs” – ‘up’ and ‘stairs’ should be one word: ‘upstairs’.
… “Doing as your told” – ‘your’ should be ‘you’re’.
… “no sighs of Derpy” – ‘sighs’ should be ‘signs’.
… “I’d rather no start trouble” – ‘no’ should be ‘not’.
… “was over reacting a bit” – ‘over’ and ‘reacting’ should be one word: ‘overreacting’.
… “She said after the silence” – The father’s speaking, so ‘She’ should be ‘he’.
… “state to her father” – Place a period after ‘father’.
… “yours and Derpy’s face to redden.” – ‘face’ should be ‘faces’.
… “by not think about” – ‘think’ should be ‘thinking’.
… “take one-step at a time” – ‘one-step’ should be ‘one step’: Remove the hyphen.
… “in hopes to satisfy” – ‘to satisfy’ should be ‘of satisfying’.
… “is it true that you are that you’re” – Remove ‘that you are’.
… “to see the Stallion” – ‘Stallion’ shouldn’t be capitalized.
… “you. In addition to a couple of others, you” – Replace the period with a comma, and remove the second comma.
… “Where’s wall eyes” – Place a hyphen between ‘wall’ and ‘eyes’.
… ““ Her name is Derpy” – Remove the space between the quotation mark and ‘Her’.
… “all, simple mindedness” – Place a hyphen between ‘simple’ and ‘mindedness’.
… “walking passed you” – ‘passed’ should be ‘past’.
… “and look or her” – ‘or’ should be ‘for’.
… “passing a few stallion” – ‘stallion’ should be plural, thus, ‘stallions’.
… “nice then anything” – ‘then’ should be ‘than’.
… “peasant cloths to royalty” – I THINK ‘cloths’ should be ‘clothes’.
… “the other to as she” – ‘to’ should be ‘two’.
… “you suppose? One” – Place a quotation mark after the question mark.
… “be straight forward with” – ‘straight’ and ‘forward’ should be one word: straightforward.
… “alone, its fine.”” – ‘its’ should be ‘it’s’.
… “to a Hearths Warming” – ‘Hearths’ should be ‘Hearth’s’.
… “calm and collect as” – ‘collect’ should be ‘collected’.
… “must be over thinking” – Place a hyphen between ‘over’ and ‘thinking’.
… “more than you realize however.” – Place a comma between ‘realize’ and ‘however’.
… “images of Derpy flash” – ‘as’ should be placed before ‘images’.
… “stand up and stretch” – Place a period after ‘stretch’.
This certainly has a significant amount of build-up, though I don’t like the bullying stallion very much. If he wasn’t clearly leading up to something, I’d even consider requesting his removal from the story, but I know it’s GOT to go somewhere, so I’ll accept it as it is… for now.
Next comes the scenes of development through people liking the protagonist. Well, this wasn’t bad at all for an idea: You’re just helping out, hoping for the best of outcomes to come around, and that’s pretty much the best you can hope for at any point in time. No forcing, just “being yourself and helping”. Simple and believable, without everyone immediately trusting you; very nicely executed.
On the negative side of things, I thought the father got off way too easily in terms of Derpy forgiving him. Maybe it’s who she is, but I would hang that little blade over his head like a guillotine. I mean he got drunk, and hit her! That fact got pushed aside way too quickly. Also, Derpy’s antics in the bathroom were… so believable. I loved it.
All in all? I’m ready for what’s up, next. A date, huh? Better be ready for it.
I'm rereading this story because its so awesome :3
2892436
(Reads wall of text and constructive criticism) Dude, you're dedicated, not to mention you clearly know what you're talking about. Bravo. Having someone as dedicated as yourself give my own work a once-over would be no burden for me to bear.
3189933 I'm a firm believer that, if I want to truly leave my appreciation for a story and author, the LEAST I can do is point out errors so that they can possibly correct them in the future, so that new, prospective followers can read, smile, and say "Wow, that was really well-written, I'm glad I read this story."
It doesn't matter how it's done, but in the long run, others WILL benefit from it, and everyone loves a wonderful, well-written story.
"I suppose simple mindness is your strong suit."
"What'd you say to me?!"
"My apologies. Big words must confuse you. I'm calling you an idiot."
Lovely story, didn't read the tags and got confused when suddenly anthro.
Need more Derpy Fanfics!!!!!!
3189964
I keep seeing you in completed fics, guess that's how you roll, eh?
You're always there to give out advice and even add a bit of comments on the chapter. You sir, are one dedicated man.
3260670 I have a policy: The least I can do as a reader, is attempt to show my gratitude for being entertained by an author's story. As a result, I feel it's my duty to proofread and review, so that other prospective readers can see stories and go, "Hey, this is really good!" and maybe consider following the author, providing their continued viewership.
After all, as writers, most of us strive to continuously improve, and I love seeing others improve in their craft!
I like where this is going
So I wonder... How big are Derpy's... chest lumps.
Nerdy answer!
4535799 Yes, very nerdy. Lol Also, they are the right size.
>>danail24 It's not nerdy, it's thoughtful!
Ohhhh! Ice ain't gonna fix that burn!