A young human meets quite an unexpected twist in his life and forms a bond with something he has never seen before. He finds himself taking care of a unique pony and is eager to find out what happened to this creature and how it came to be.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Seems that you're getting bombarded with dislikes and not much feedback, I'll try my best to give a bit of constructive criticism:
" I drove down an old forest road. On both sides of me there were forests surrounding the area." This type of redundant description turns up a couple times, the talk about aromas and the alike set the tone nicely, but being told that the narrator was in the forest twice over was pretty jarring.
That description of the cage seemed a little filler-y, you've seen one pet carrier you've seen them all. I get what you were trying to do with it, but it killed the immersion a little. Also, not criticism exactly but "On closer examination, I noticed it was a female." That's the thing your narrator inspects first!
Your description of Twilight was pretty good, if a little repetitive, but the picture appearing in the middle of the page once again sucked me right out of the action.
Other than a few grammatical slip ups all seems pretty well, it may just be the subject matter putting some people off, hope I've been helpful, and keep up the good work! I wants to see what happens next!
Have an upvote too, because this actually shows a lot of potential!
1871792
Thanks for the feedback. When he inspects the pony, it wasn't intended to be an act of perversion. I do agree I had too many details in some spots and I'll avoid that in the future.
1872042
Happy to be helpful, I can't stand seeing a big dislike bar with no real reason why people dislike it.
Re-reading my comment, I realised I hardly put in what you did well, sorry about that. You have great pacing, I don't feel like any section drags, or is only skimmed over, and ponies on Earth is't a genre you see too often, so that's always a plus, careful with it though, they really need to be gold, moreso than HiE stories.
And don't panic about the inspection, it was just a little something that made me giggle, I guess it's more my mind than your writing on that count!
Just your editor droppin in to see how it's goin.
It seems to be goin pretty good, other than the trolls.
Anyways, hope it keeps doin good, since I think this is pretty good, and hurry up with the other chapters! If you become popular enough, it might help out if/when we finally make my fanfic idea
From,
Marcus
This story is very pootis light very very pootis (it's James btw :3)
Fairly good, although the sentences are a bit choppy. I'll admit, I'm guilty of that sometimes, but that is something you need to work on. Other than that, and a few minor errors, (must resist urge to grammar nazi) it's pretty good so far. Also:
i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/353/279/e31.jpg
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