• Member Since 7th Jul, 2012
  • offline last seen Mar 26th, 2016

dakingofmuffins


just a fan of peoples work

T
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Wared is 15 years old and has grown up int the Wasteland the town he was living in was attacked by super mutants when he was 10... he was the only survivor and now he lives the Wasteland on his own slowly dieing from radiation sickness... until a sniper shot sends his on an adventure.

Chapters (2)
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Comments ( 5 )

Honestly... this needs a lot of work.

While I suppose it's original enough (I've never seen a first person self-insert Fallout crossover) I can't say it's that impressive. First off, there are multiple spelling and grammar issues; too many for me to care to point out. Thankfully, you remember to start a new paragraph for each speaker, so you avoid the dreaded wall of text syndrome. However, most of the time you forget to use capitals where they're needed, among other things.

Secondly, don't put stuff like "Applejack's POV" in. This is not correct prose. If you need to change the point of view (which, by the way, you shouldn't do often, especially in the middle of a scene), start by ending the POV of the first character, then break apart the two paragraphs (I like to use three centred asterisks (***) before starting the new POV with something like, "Meanwhile, Applejack was..."

Finally, I know you said it yourself, but the intro is WAY too short. The first paragraph is just one big lump of exposition; you're telling us his whole backstory so we can swiftly move on. Show, don't tell. Instead of telling us that his town was attacked by super mutants, show us by doing something like having him come across the ruins of the town during his bike joyride, triggering memories of the day. Speaking of the bike joyride, you could have been more descriptive, and described to us exactly how he was feeling; the adrenaline rush he was getting that was keeping him alive.

Well, that's all I got. You do need to work on this, so I suggest getting an editor and/or running it through a spellcheck program. Don't give up though. The only way you'll get better at anything is through experience. Good luck!

~Gherkin8088, the self-proclaimed Crossover Guy

Oh, by the way, this isn't a definite rule of writing, but it's a lot easier on the eye to put thoughts in italics than in a different colour.

1842279 thanks I'm not a good author but i plan to do the the edits till then im going to revoke the submission and edit it then. so that it doesn't get a storm of dislikes or ill just set a password but either way thanks.

1842300 Not a problem. Good luck!

In hope of bringing this story back to life. I would like to say that this story has been great so far. And hope that it will continue soon.

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