Twilight has been betrayed by her friends meaning the Elements of Harmony no longer exist. Some of her friends have joined the Black Wing. Another created the virus that has created mass chaos. And one was even used to test the virus and is now loose in New Mane City. Twilight brings a mysterious shadow up-to-date about what has happened to the city . Twilight is now looking for revenge on the city that targeted her as a terrorist and the one who cursed her with the Black Light virus.... Picture partly related
Chapters (3)
First, I guess?
It'll be interesting see where this is going, having played the game myself, several times. Personally, I can't imagine Prototype working very well in an Equestrian setting, but I suppose that's where you come in, author. Good job so far, ponifying the games events. Keep it up.
Interesting start, definitely brings back memories of [PROTOTYPE]
Hmm. Prototype crossover? I'll give it a chance.
Hmm. Prototype crossover? I'll give it a chance.
And yay for double posting!
2/5
Sorry, buddy but it was bit difficult to follow your story. You need to learn how to create new paragraphs when there's a new string of dialogue from a different character. The structure of the story seemed bunched up and it looked like you were reluctant to create new paragraphs. You need to stretch out the dialogue more, whenever a pony spoke, it was just one big line of dialogue. Try to fit signs of the character's behaviour in between. Was Rainbow grinding her teeth when she said she wanted Twilight dead? Put that in. Was she glaring at Twilight with hatred? Put that in too. Describe the scenes so that we can actually visualize them. You might want to look at other fimfictions here with higher ratings for examples. Good luck to you, man.
Btw, I'll track but I really hope that your writing will improve over the next few chapters.
126558 actually xscout this is the second MLP/[PROTOTYPE] crossover on Fimfiction. Here's a link to the first one Black Rain Which takes place all over equestria. The Redlight Virus acts similarly and there's even an antagonist counterpart to the Supreme Hunter. Although Black Rain is more an original story using elements of [PROTOTYPE] than a retelling of the story using Ponies.
On that note I am actually enjoying this story, so far it has the same set up and storyline but it's early days yet so there's time to add loads of personal touches to the story. Also having the Mane 6 break up is a nice touch, we get to see Twilight kill all her best friends in an epic story. Can't wait to see Twilight using her Blacklight powers.
So some glaring issues:
-You desperately need to call in the grammar Nazis. Commas and apostraphes are missing, not to mention it can be a bit of a wall in some places.
-Moves a bit too fast, add a bit of detail here and there
-Using more then just Italics to represent what a character is thinking would be nice, particularly with that specific Black Wing guard near the end. It's easy to get his thoughts mixed up with his spoken lines.
-You used WTF. No. Just no
.
I do like it, but you need to address this fictions' problems if you want a good rating/want people to like it. I'm gonna leave it with a 3 because of its current issues.
126582 thanks for the comment these kind help me write better i guess ill go back and add more detail to the story i guess i hadn't thought of adding emotions like that...ill go back and do some minor touch ups but in general how was the story
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!!! I
PROTOTYPE. Mercer is such a baddass! And YES PONIES!!!
I must know who did the art for this fic!
126606 look up mlp prototyoe and you find the picture along with the artist
bulk.destructoid.com/ul/user/2/28552-136293-prototypePNG-620x.jpg
126603thanks for commenting ill be sure to fix it up and yes i will be calling in the grammar nazis..this is my first fic so im expecting mistakes ill also remove the wtf part
126604 Well, I tracked. And, usually, I only track a story if I like it or where it is going. I think you can figure out how I feel about the story from here
126631 i went and added some more dialouge and motions see if that works. ill work on comas and stuff like that later...maybe you can be the one who checks my story before i publish it cause you seem to know what needs fixing and i like that you didnt just rant about how it sucks
if the changes work tell me...
126603 what would you recommend i do to tell the thinking part apart...i do know a grammar nazi and that is my friend he is always getting in my face when i mispell or make a grammar mistake
126677 Use another symbol and separate it from the spoken words.
"At least, that's how I'd do it." He said to himself as he typed his advice into the comment box.
'I really hope this helps at least a tiny little bit...' He thought as he closed the window and resumed eating delicious pizza.
PROTOTYPE MAAAAAAN!!!!
nice job
126673 I would be willing to take that position, however, if you are seriously considering this, I should warn you in advance: I'm no English teacher and I don't really write fiction that often. Also, it's exam time where I live, so I won't have that much free time. Yes, I'm still in high school.
And one last thing: I've never played Prototype. I've watched my older brother play it but I've never played it through myself. So I will be unfamiliar with the story; I won't know if a certain event is supposed to happen or not
127040 well im asking for you to look for mistakes in punctuation when you have the time and im also in high school senior to be exact
it dont matter that you havent played the game i just need like paragraphs shortened or to look more appealing i will take care of adding events or other things i will take some advice as well
126714 "it helps a lot i will definitely use this info" said the author thinking of what else to write "thanks for the advice you guys are helping make this story better i will definitely put at the end of each chapter your names as revisers/ editors" the author finished writing this happy with what he wrote going back to playing amnesia thinking about maybe writing a MLP amnesia crossover brewing in his head
Okay - the concept is brilliant. Mercer pony is best pony. Unfortunately, this story suffers several flaws.
Firstly, the first chapter. It is completely pointless. It will mean nothing to those who don't know the game, and those who do know the game have just been informed of a large number of crucial plot points. If you were to reveal this information as a normal part of the story, it would serve as a plot twist, a point of interest, or even just as an 'okay, fine' moment. As it now stands, much of the 'web of intrigue' has been rendered rather... unintriguing - we already know who the main antagonists are, so we no longer need to find out.
Next, you outright state that all her friends are either dead or consumed, right at the beginning. Admittedly, this could work - it would be incredibly difficult to pull off, but it could work. The easier route, however, lies in intrigue. Mention some of her friends are dead. Hint that she may have consumed some of them. Don't mention any specifics.
Unfortunately, I didn't read much of the second chapter (for a reason I'll go into later). However, I did notice that partway through it, RD gets consumed. The problem with this is that there was no way that there was anywhere near sufficient development to reach that point (or, if, as I suspect, she was accidentally consumed), anywhere near enough panic after it happened. As a massive plot point (albeit one you told us), it wouldn't be over developed if you spent most of this chapter just on the events leading up to, or the results of (or, if you're really good, both), RD being consumed. If she intends to kill/consume RD, Twilight is going to be a mass of conflicting emotion, double guessing her motives at every step of the fight. Almost certainly, RD (regardless of her actual intentions) is going to play on those doubts, fears, and happy memories. This can be teased out for a positively mind-boggling word count. Should Twilight accidentally consume RD, there is less room for development, but even so, once the memory integration passes, she is going to be scared, confused, sorry, there's even room for some self loathing. And all this can be written while she's trying to evade the military units who would have come to investigate the missing troops. So you've got a decent sized segment that can be written - anything else, if, maybe, not rushed, is definitely missing out on a wonderful opportunity.
Now we come to my main problem - the grammar. Your formatting, whilst definitely awkward, is readable. But there is very little punctuation to break up the sentances - for example 'I wish you were dead', and 'I wish, you were dead' both have very different meanings. But they are only one comma away from being the same thing. In this work, I had great difficult even getting to the end of the first paragraph, simply because I was trying to figure out what exactly you meant by what you had written. So please, run this past a pre-reader - or at the very least, put it through an MS word spell and grammar checker.
With all that said, this has serious potential - if handled correctly, I reckon it could be something great. So I look forward to seeing what you do from here.
ok i kicked myself reading this but i read it
1:space the dialogue
2:get into deeper plot
3:get someone to proof read it and edit. i would do it but i got to much on my plate sorry mate(im not Australian) i like saying mate cause its fun
well there you go i know better comments on what to do just hope you do better
LOL Rainbow is always first on the chopping Block
Still this could be very entertaining
One note....
Sees Former Best Friend : Consumes Without a Second Thought and then Has no feeling of Remorse
Meets random guard: LEAVES ALIVE
Rainbow In fanfiction tends to be either a RED SHIRT or INDESTRUCTIBLE
I find this Hilarious ...........not sure why
Anybody else get super hyped for Prototype 2 after reading this?
127491 well i wouldn't consider leaves alive a good statement more like leaves ball less
also for the second chapter lets just say something will happen inside of RD's mind
127447 thanks for the comment at least show you read it...as for the grammar im having grammar hitler look it over stick around it will get better and like Fluttershy and discord said:
Discord:"doesn't it burn you up that your friends are always pointing out your flaws
Fluttershy: not really in fact i think i'm awfully lucky to have friends who want me to be the best i can be
Well i have partnered up with 2 people one is now the co author/ main editor the other is the co editor, he will be getting the chapter first to review and check grammar as for me and the main editor we will be working on the story and checking it after the co editor has handed it back to make sure everything is okay i feel like this story can become something great...now thats just egotistical of me. this story may of had a rocky start but i hope it becomes into something awesome
Thats an interesting spin on things... One thing though: Sentences. I don't know the technical term for it, so have an example:
“How am I going to find Spike I really need his help he might know what’s going on.” Suddenly Twilight looked up and slapped her face in disbelief, “how could I have been so stupid I can just look into RD’s memories, but how can I do that.”
REDONE
“How am I going to find Spike? I really need his help, he might know what’s going on. (redundant btw. one or the other would work.)” Suddenly Twilight looked up and slapped her face in disbelief, “How could I have been so stupid? I can just look into RD’s memories... but how do I do that?”
Also, grammar and marks are fucked up in some places... okay alot of places.
Still, like I said it's an interesting spin on the PROTOTYPE storyline... will keep tracking to see where it goes. If you need help in the form of an editor/checker/prereader, I would be glad to assist.
159068 well thanks for the help the thing is like i said in the note the co-author was taking to long to send me the final version so i was sure their would be mistakes of course when i do get the final version their will be changes done to the story im sure of it. Hope everyone plays the fitting background music makes it more interesting
The violin part you implemented in this chapter is just... Manly tears have been shed.
199714 Then my work here is done
dafuq its mah profile pic XD
I cried to at the memory part
remove ditzy?
FUCK YOU HELL NO!
261255 um the petition was to not remove her...sadly it failed and she was given a new voice and underped her face
261304
they WHAT!!!???
I WILL BUCKING MURDER THEM!
261342 dont rage on HUB or anyone else it wasnt their fault it was just a bunch of parents and people who thought
was offensive and so they re uploaded the last roundup on itunes...they remove the part were RD says her name and her voice is now the voice of a blonde so idk how that really helps....but she will still live on in our hearts and our community just not in the show but im sure HUB will still put her in the background they will find a way they love us to much and im sure they wouldnt want to loose a huge community. the only change is the voice and her eyes
261406
i still WANT to rage though....can i rage the jerks who started this in the first place?
261429 But of course i guess but the thing is I dont know who started it so your out of luck their
Oh man, poor Twilight Sparkle hopefully some of her friends will help her out. (That is if they're still alive at all) I hope this will not be too sad. This seems like it would be very exciting.
Keep it up.
guess this is dead