Cat burglar

by fedback

First heist episode 1

The first heist episode 1:

Shady business

Shady shades was not a nice pony, in fact he was as his name says a shady pony, he swindled money out of the innocent and made a living out of it and being Ponyville a very innocent town he made a very good living. Shady was very careful, he never stepped out of the line the law marked, he came close to it but never passed it and whenever someone wanted to take the matters on they hoofs he was very quick to run for Ponyville peace keepers (I am talking about the police and not the mane six who while may they have saved the town a couple of times they bring more chaos than peace to it) who reluctantly must enforce the law. For the most part Ponyville ignored this despicable character and just chose to avoid him, he in return did the same for he alredy had a small fortune to live of so he did not really need to antagonize the town any further.

In life all things come to an end, and Shady´s fortune was nearing its own, so Shady was forced to “work” one of his favorite methods was to contact some pony from out of town, a stranger and “hire” them to do his dirty job, the stranger this time was Pomp, an earth pony stallion from Manehattan on his way back from losing big on Las Pegasus, so he contacted him and told him his little plan.

The next day a very polite earth pony stallion from Canterlot visited Rarity´s parents, his name was Exquisite taste and he was an employee at the “royal gem” a famous jewelry shop at Canterlot, he came here because he heard about a very valuable piece of jewelry being here and he wanted to asses it and buy it. Rarity´s parents were not sure about which piece of jewelry he was talking about so they showed hi everything, finally he came across an exquisite platinum filigree which belonged to Rarity´s mom (she got it as an inheritance from her aunt and it was worth quite a lot) and said that he would like to take it to his hotel room were he had his equipment to properly asses it, he left two hundred bits as assurance of his intentions and left with it. No need to say no one ever saw Exquisite taste again.

Similar things happened across Ponyville that day, a new stallion named X from X works for X, and wants to check/sell something and by the end of the day Colgate had ten new ultra modern and expensive toothbrushes, granny smith lost her silver locket and Fluttershy had ten litters of doctor Miracle´s famous elixir which would cure angel bunny of his “furry bones degenerative disease” which in fact did not exsist.

This was in fact “the worst possible thing” as Rarity let her friends know during the next day tea party and she was mostly right because what could be worse than a red eyed Fluttershy who spent all night crying when she finally realized she was taken advantage of?, but who could have been so evil? Stealing from poor Fluttershy and nothing could be done about it, that pony was probably kilometers (I.S. ftw) away from Ponyville so the only thing they could do was comfort Fluttershy and spend the day away gossiping.

After many cups of tea and a fair share of biscuits (who could resist that mellow white goodness) Rarity arrived home, that is to say her boutique since she have been living on her own since she was sixteen (most people were amazed by how independent she was when she told them, she just forgot to tell them that her mom would come to her house every day to check on her), thinking about the thief she was muttering about this when there was a knock on the door, when she opened it she came face to face with her mother who told her over tea about this marvelous stallion who was going to buy her aunt´s filigree and how she would finally be able to buy that new fishing rod for her husband. It was not pleasant to break it for her that the the filigree was stolen suffice to say blood curling battle cries were heard that day.

Next day Zecora came to her boutique asking about some cloths she needed for a ceremonial garb, being the only zebra around it fell to her to bless the land (crazy zebra voodoo magic ), as Rarity searched her boutique for the very specific fabric (damn picky zebra) she told her friend about the thefts, Zecora was surprisingly mad, furious in fact which was rather surprising since her expressions went from neutral to mild neutral in an exiting day and only scaring people made her actually smile (and then she called us racists for fearing her), apparently thievery was a pretty big deal back on Zebrica and normally ended with the culprit being exiled (and for the record Zecora was exiled for an altogether different reason) but alas nothing could be done about it, the culprit was already out of reach or so she tough, while looking for the fabric Rarity found herself thinking about her grand aunt (you know like the sister of your grandma) filigree, it was to say the least exquisite, almost fabulous it was during this thinking that she caught something in the corner of her eye, a faint elegant glow, she knew what it was and she focused.

She and Zecora arrived outside a very big house, not Filthy rich level but very nice and she, being the gossip she was, knew exactly who the owner of this house a very shady stallion named… screw this you already know his name. So Rarity took it on her hoof to confront the evil doer so she, angrily, knocked on his door while Zecora stood there like she was going to burn his house down any moment, the stallion came out and received the brunt end of a verbal bashing and to his credit did not falter at all, he politely told her he had no idea what she was talking about and that he have never met anyone named Exquisite taste and that if she did not stop verbally assaulting him he would call the police, and call them he did, in fact he called them even before he opened the door and when they arrived all they saw was a stallion being verbally assaulted by a mad mare and a zebra trying to kill him with her stare (and for all they knew she was probably capable of doing it).

And so Rarity and Zecora spent their first night on a cell, which was not actually a cell but the waiting room of the commissary where they were treated very nicely and fed donuts, but her pride suffered none the less. The next day when they got off they walked together in silence for a couple of minutes until Zecora broke the silence.

“khuadibu, it means punishment and a certain stallion is getting his”

This was for the record, the first time Rarity heard Zecora talk in prose, that was how angry the zebra was.

Comments

[Arkenai]

Before reading:
I suggest you sort your description out. Make it grammatically correct for a start.

After reading:
Your grammar and spelling could use some work. Your writing style as well.
I can't really judge your premise because there isn't enough development and because I can't really be bothered at the moment.

[fedback]

omg omg omg i got a like, and i know my gammar is not exelent english is not my mother tongue and the writting style.... well i am more used to reading things in spanish and sometime i am writting something and i know how to perfectly write it but alas is in spanis and it does not work on english.

But thanks for taking the time to read this, it actually means a lot to me

[TheAssumingMage]

You could ask for an editor, preferably one who takes a creative writing class.

[fedback]

how does that actually work? i am a stranger to the inner workings of fimfiction

[virotox]

1726394
ask around, i'm pretty sure there is also a group

[Rakaziel]

Again, your ideas are good and the story really has potential. As for proper wirting, a good source of advice would be https://www.furaffinity.net/user/ookamkasumi 's articles.

[fedback]

1727594 Thanks rakaziel, i must admit that the seminaked snake man on the front page made me little esceptical (is that how it is written? i have no spell check at the moment), but i am currently reding the tips there and i must say they are really helpfull, they do hit the nail about my shortcomings so thanks again i hope to improve