"Yo, it's flu season, you should probably get vaccinated or something."
Chocolate Chip looked up from his couch at his friend. "Thanks, I'll keep that in mind." he mumbled, placing his head back onto the couch and closing his eyes. His friend was always giving him useful advice and warnings.
"There's nothin' in the fridge. We should like, go shopping or something."
Chocolate Chip sighed. His advice may be useful, but his friend's deep voice could get on someone's nerves very quickly. He stood up and walked to the kitchen. Opening the fridge, he frowned. They really were out of food. He turned his head and looked at his friend. His black fur, his long, thin legs, and his beady little eyes made him look a little creepy.
Also the fact that he was a giant spider. That also added to the creepiness factor.
"Come on, Tyrone. Let's get to the store before it closes."
---
Chocolate Chip and Tyrone walked through the streets of Hoofington, purposely avoiding areas populated with a lot of ponies. Most ponies were a little freaked out by Tyrone.
That was okay. He was cool with it.
They were almost at the supermarket when they heard a shout. Deciding to investigate, they quickly scurried around a building to find the source of the noise. Standing in front of a tree was a little orange foal. Her mane was brown and tied up in a ponytail. "Woah, that's like, pony-ception." Tyrone muttered in his baritone voice.
The filly turned to look at the source of the voice. "Can you help me?" she asked, employing the use of the puppy dog eyes. "My kitty is stuck in this tree!"
Tyrone used one of his spindly legs to remove the cool sunglasses that were always kept on his face. "Don't worry 'bout it. I'll get your cat for you." he said. With that, he scurried up the trunk of the tree. A rustling noise and the sounds of a cat hissing could be heard from the branched. After a few moments, Tyrone scurried back down, a bundle of silk webs attached to his back.
The spider placed the bundle in front of the filly. "I had to web up your cat, 'cause it was scratching me up. I understand that it is a feline's natural reaction to seeing a giant predator, and don't blame you one bit."
The filly grinned. "Thanks, mister Tyrone!" she said. The spider placed his sunglasses back on his face.
"Don't worry about it. Don't do drugs."
---
Tyrone and Chocolate had made it to the supermarket a little while later. "I didn't know you were so good with foals!" Chocolate exclaimed. Tyrone just shrugged.
"There's a sale on cucumbers in the produce aisle." Tyrone stated.
"Thanks for the info!"
Chocolate Chip started to compare the prices of canned tuna while Tyrone wandered through the store, looking for flies or whatever it is giant talking spiders ate.
A scream was heard, and Chocolate dropped the cans of tuna and started to run towards the source of the noise. Whenever a scream was heard in a public area, it was usually somepony freaking out about Tyrone.
A thought struck him and he stopped running. "Why was I even considering buying the tuna?" he thought aloud. Shaking his head to clear his mind, he started running again. No time for pointless thoughts like that. He stopped again, however, as another thought entered his mind. "Why is this store even selling tuna?"
---
Meanwhile, with Tyrone-
Tyrone covered his face with a spindly leg as the frightened mare threw another can at him. He wondered which god it was that had hated him so much to curse him and cause him to be born a spider. It's not his fault he was spawned from an egg along with a thousand other little, creepy freaks of nature!
"M'am, if I've wronged you in any way, I'm terribly sorry. Please accept my sincerest apologies." he said. The mare continued to throw cans at him as though her life depended on it. Now that he thought about it, she probably did think her life depended on it.
Chocolate Chip ran up to the mare and stood in front of her, blocking her field of view and stopping her from throwing any more cans. "Stop! He's nice, I swear!"
"Get out of my way, you'll get eaten by the giant spider!"
Chocolate rolled his eyes. "Tyrone's not going to eat you, he's a pretty cool guy overall, and murder isn't cool."
A thoughtful look crossed her face. "Okay...", she said. "But any funny business from him and he'll be getting a faceful of cans!"
Tyrone took that moment to interject himself into the conversation. "I'm sorry if the way I look disturbs you, miss. However, I have these tickets to the upcoming Wonderbolts show. Would they prove to you how sorry I am?" he asked.
"How did you know I loved the Wonderbolts! Of course I'll go with you!" the mare exclaimed, a gleeful smile on her face. "It's a date, then!"
"That's cool. I'll see you then." Tyrone said. The mare turned around and happily trotted off.
A look of disbelief crosses Chocolates face. "Did... did she just go from trying to kill you to having a date with you?" he asked. Tyrone nodded.
"Tyrone, how are you so insanely cool?"
Tyrone leaned towards Chocolate. "Come closer, I don't want anypony else hearing my secret." he said. Chocolate put his ear up to Tyrone's mandibles. "I listen to two hours of dubstep each day while bathing in a tub of ice."
"So that's where all my ice cubes are going!"
---
A few days later, Tyrone walked into his and Chocolate's shared apartment. "How'd the date go?" asked the stallion. Tyrone smiled.
"It was great. We saw the Wonderbolts, ate dinner, and when she leaned in to give me a kiss, I ate her head because I am a spider and that's what we do on dates."
"Oh. I didn't know that."
"You learn something new every day," said the spider in his deep voice.
___
Author's notes:
I'm ashamed I wrote this. Please don't take it seriously.
DISCLAIMER-
Listening to dubstep while bathing in a tub of ice is dangerous to your health and should not be attempted at home.
Time to read.
Edit: I was right. Tyrone is the son of Dave and Vriska, stranded in the Equestrian Session.
I GOT DIS
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Comedy. Random. That is all
Dang I was hoping fimfiction wouldn't have bots for just a little bit longer, oh well.
I used to wonder what friendship could be. Until you all shared your spider eggs with me.
I feel as though this is some kind of psychotic episode that a pony is having in an asylum. But no, it's just a chill spider.
This was just beautiful.
But wouldn't it be the other way around with the head eating? Male spiders are the ones who have to be careful of getting murdered.
Chill Spider. I love it.
1724846
I just wanted to go for something spider-like for him to do in the end, and it needed to come out of the blue. After saving cats and being chill overall, he just ends up biting someone's head off.
1725263
"What did you expect? I'm a freaking spider."
Of course, the existence of giant sentient spiders makes me wonder about the existence of giant sentient spider wasps.
1725341
They don't. I was disturbed enough while writing this story, I don't need images of those things buzzing around in my head.
He he, buzzing.
1725349
There are some people who seem to believe changelings use the spider wasp method for reproducing, with ponies being the spider.
Those people are silly, because that form of reproduction is ludicrously inefficient for eusocial insects, so they don't do it. All parasatoid wasps are solitary for just that reason.
1725356
There's no evidence to prove that changelings even have a hive structure. I think they live in the badlands, in a warped, twisted mockery of regular life. They then reproduce with each other.
1725365
Also true, but those same people will be making changelings non-sentient emotionless eusocial things at the same time.
None of that crap is supported, and the non-sentient thing even has active evidence against it. Same for emotionless.
Also, for some reason, I find this song fitting for the idea of a changeling roaming the badlands. Just replace "Wasteland" with "Badland".
1725382
You have appealed to my interests by bringing fallout into this.
1725385
But of course. Just don't ask me to read Fallout: Equestria, because that thing is too damn long for me to ever get around to reading.
...You've probably been able to guess that I'm a fan of the changelings. I was very happy when they finally added a character tag for the "normal changeling", though it isn't quite a normal tag...
Probably like them so much because they're ripe for fan interpretation.
1725406
I was planning to be happy once they added a changeling character tag, then I remember I haven't written a story with changelings and am not planning to anytime in the near future.
Oh my god this is the single funniest fan fiction I've ever read....this needs the feature box...now.
You should have put this disclaimer at the top, not the bottom! I ran off to the bathroom as soon as I read Tyrone's secret of being so chill.
I now have earache and hypothermia. Thanks a lot.
1727422
T'was my secret, evil plot. Soon, the whole world will have hypothermia and earaches, making it so much easier to conquer them.
Too late! I'm gonna take this seriously, and you can't stop me!
EDIT:
Gah why did I take it seriously whyyyyy
Oh, if only somebody had warned me not to!
Isn't this based off a joke from some stand-up comic? S/he talked about a giant spider and something about cucumbers being on sale, I'm pretty sure. Or I'm pretty insane. Maybe both.
1827869
Did someone already do this? I don't know, I don't pay much attention to stand-up comics. Were they handsome and talented like I am?
You spelled flu wrong.
1895030
How the hell did I manage to fuck up so badly...?
I'm honestly ashamed of myself right now. Fixed.
1895035 As ashamed as you were for writing the fic?
1895050
Almost. Not quite, though. Also, I fixed the annoying commas in place that commas don't belong problem.
1895063 Yeah, I was gonna point those out too...
1895071
Sometime while writing fics, I realized that commas didn't go in the places I was putting them. Half of my fics have annoying commas, half don't. I'm actually in the process of fixing them all right now.
1895078 Same here actually, well, no, not really, at present, it's RL that takes precedence, but then I intend to look over my fics myself, of course, it always helps to have an editor.
Spiders are indeed chill.
As are you, my good sir.
1895201
Says the guy with the talking snowflake avatar.
1895210
lolz and behold, dem punz approacheth.
Damn Tyrone why you gotta be so chill.
1895235
Tyrone finally got his shit together.
So many lulz... What a cool spider. Haha.
This made me laugh waaaaay harder than I thought. You earned your thumbs up.
memedepot.com/uploads/2000/2493_cu6vyj.jpg
And when SHE leaned in
2094925
Fixed
2094940
Great story BTW. Left me with some lulz.
2094989
That is what we at Ponywords™ Inc. strive for.
OK. You know what? I'm adding you to my watch list. It's very rare that I actually laugh out loud at a story. I sense great things...
I loved this story i want a chill spider now, he can go on a date with the girl that dumped me and make her pay
an personally i hate dubstep, but the two hours in an ice bath, than you realizing that's were your ice cubes went, that was hilarious
I don't regret following you at all
It's the rebirth of Spiderbro!
I love you. for real.
2491407
We should get married.
2491411
polyvore.com/cgi/img-thing?.out=jpg&size=l&tid=50941076
2491416
Okay I'm not paying for the ceremony. Author of fanfiction doesn't pay very much.
2491424
yeah unfortunately I can't pay either. so... let's just elope then.