Setting the Scene
“That’s settled then,” Celestia said, smiling beatifically. “Lieutenant of the Night Guard Cruithne and Captain of the Royal Guard Shining Armor will head the investigation at Appleloosa, while Lieutenant of the Day Guard Solar Flare takes care of Canterlot security.”
Shining Armor stirred the dust on the desk in small circles with his hoof. He attempted to conjure up his usual smile at the Princess’ insistence on using their formal titles in security councils, but he failed. He pressed his head closer to the desk. There were likely changelings in Appleloosa, and it was his fault. If only he hadn’t fallen for Chrysalis’ tricks, if only his spell had knocked them completely out of Equestria, if only he was stronger... The dust circles on the desk became looser and more frantic as his guilty thoughts crushed him under their burden.
“Are you quite alright, Captain?” asked Cruithne, cocking her head to get a better look at his eyes.
Shining Armor lifted his head and smiled sheepishly. “I’m fine.” He turned his head to Celestia. “I am fine, really.”
“Have you got any sudden migraines?” Cruithne asked, talking at a mile-a-minute “Are you feeling guilty because you think the changelings in Appleloosa are your fault? Is...”
She was cut off by a sudden ‘thud!’ from beneath the table as Solar Flare kicked her. The Night Guard lieutenant glared at her Day Guard counterpart and thankfully, Shining Armor thought, shut up.
Celestia spoke to stop the argument brewing between the lieutenants.“Well I do hope you’re fine and aren’t feeling like you have to lie to me.” She was still smiling, though Shining Armor found it slightly more threatening now. “Meeting dismissed.”
Shining Armor stood up with Cruithne and Solar Flare to go to the door, but Celestia called him back. “Stay here Shining Armor. I need to talk to you.” Her tone was light and friendly, and Shining Armor had never heard her reproach anyone in that tone of voice. There was first for everything though, he thought as his guilt kicked in again. He sat back down as the door swung shut.
“You know you don’t have to do this assignment,” Celestia said. Shining Armor stared at the floor. “I’m only getting you to do this because Cruithne can’t do this on her own. She’s great at many things, but her ability to understand ‘normal’ ponies is limited, and she seems to strain relations between Day and Night Guard wherever she goes. Also, so far, you are the best changeling fighter Equestria has ever seen.”
“Last time I checked, I spent most of that fight under the thrall of their Queen.” Shining Armor lifted his head and glared angrily at the wall behind Celestia.
“It’s the end of that fight that counts. During the last minutes of that fight, you pushed most of the Changelings out of Equestria, and those that didn’t get all the way out of Equestria are on the outskirts. But still, if you feel you can’t complete this assignment, you can always decline.”
“I will not let my fear get the better of me.”
Celestia leaned down closer to him. “Remember, you don’t have too...”
“I will NOT let my fear get the better of me.” He said this more forcefully, turning his glare directly to Celestia. He stood up suddenly from his chair and marched to the door. “I CAN do this.” He was just about to turn the door handle with his magic, when he turned back to Celestia and looked at her questioningly.
Celestia nodded. “You may leave, captain.” With that, Shining Armor turned the handle and left the room.
The stone corridor was cool, almost chilly. Solar Flare and Cruithne were walking down the corridor as the stained glass windows cast a strange light upon them. They seemed to be part way through an animated argument. “Did you see what you did to the commander?” Solar half-yelled.
“I saw that he was... unbalanced, and inquired as to the cause. I wanted to help.”
“That’s not how you help, Cruithne. You were pouring salt on to an open wound!”
Cruithne paused and glanced back at Shining Armor, before walking and talking on. “The captain appears to be uninjured, and I currently have no salt in my possession. Did you mean that last statement figuratively, or literally?”
Solar facehoofed. “If Shining Armor doesn’t have any open wounds, and you have no salt, I probably mean it figuratively.” He let out an exasperated sigh. “You’re a good pony, you know that. You just need to learn... tact. Social skills. I hope you don’t think our arguments mean I don’t like you.”
“To the contrary, Solar, I believe your motive is my self-improvement, and I believe you have helped me in that matter. I thank you for that. I am not a perfect pony, and I believe everypony should try to better themselves.” Cruithne and Solar Flare then walked on in companionable silence, with Shining Armor a few ponylengths behind them.
When they came to a T-junction in the corridor, Cruithne walked down the opposite way to Solar before turning 180 degrees to face him again. She was ostensibly looking at Solar, but Shining had a prickly feeling she was half regarding him. “I thought one was meant to pour salt onto wounds, to clean them,” she said, before turning back.
Solar Flare slowed his steps to walk beside Shining. “I hope you didn’t catch too much of that argument, it was,” he attempted his best Cruithne impression, which wasn’t very good, “most unprofessional.” He grinned cheekily.
Shining Armor rolled his eyes. “Not too much no, lieutenant. Go, organise the squads you’re keeping in Canterlot.”
Solar saluted and said “Aye aye sir!”, before tearing off down the hallways.
Shining Armor continued walking down the corridor, thinking. He started to felt bad about yelling at Celestia, but he was pretty sure she would forgive him. He did hope that she didn’t take it as a sign that he needed more leave, or that he should be demoted.
He had more pressing concerns, however; there were probably changelings in Equestria. Appleloosa had sent reports of ponies being seen in more than one place at the same time, among other things, and had requested a team of royal guards to help investigate. The ‘among other things’ was not on the report itself, it was a given. Settler ponies didn’t ask for help from Canterlot unless it was dire; It was often too difficult to get the help over there.
There was also something in the report that set Shining Armor’s investigator instincts twitching. It felt like there was something missing in the report, like they were too scared to include it. Shining Armor trusted his instincts in this case. Yes, such a large force of guards could be a hammer sent to crush a fly, but when you weren’t sure if it was a fly or a dragon, it paid to bring a big hammer.
Shining Armor swung the door open to his office and walked in. He sat on a stool and pulled out the paperwork needed for this investigation, and started filling it out. He was not looking forward to this mission. He didn’t want to find changelings (ones he was too weak to push out, even with the help of an alicorn) and see the faces of the ponies he rescued (faces just like his). He didn’t want to, by his own weakness, inflict the hell he had given to himself onto other ponies . It had only been a few weeks since the changeling attack, but he remembered how afterwards, his head felt like it was being hit by saucepans, and his limbs felt like clay. He remembered Cadence looking after him, and he remembered how powerless he felt. He’d only just gotten back into the groove of things, and now these hypothetical changelings were threatening to yank him off course.
He sighed. He was not going to let his fear get the better of him.
***
Shining Armor lay sprawled above the sheets on the bed. Cadence was curled up in a cocoon of blankets and doonas next to Shining, one of her wings draped across his chest. Shadows danced on the ceiling, and for terrifying instants as Shining Armor watched them, turned into crooked horns or hooves with too many holes before turning back to the amorphous shapes of the branches outside the window. “S’you asleep yet?” slurred Cadence from underneath the blankets,
“No,” he admitted, still staring straight at the terrifying and mesmerising ceiling.
Cadence sat halfway up in the bed, blinking the sleep from her eyes. “You’ve got a big train trip tomorrow, you should get some sleep,” she said, a little less slurred then last time.
“I know. Can’t sleep.”
“Is the ceiling being scary again?” She levered him suddenly over to his side with her wing.
He grinned more than he should, no longer stuck staring at the hypnotizing ceiling. “I can neither confirm nor deny that.”
Cadence gave him a sideways grin before closing her eyes and flicking half of her cocoon at him. “Here, have some blankets. Now get to sleep before... before the sleep police get you.” Shining Armor grinned even wider. He closed his eyes and snuggled up to his wife’s neck. When he next opened his eyes, the Luna’s deep blue sky was slowly changing over to the fiery gold of Celestia’s dawn.
***
The Day and Night guard needed some official checks before they could travel off Appleloosa, and Shining armor was there to do them. He’d done this many times, but it didn’t change the fact that this particular time it felt like he was trying to swim 500 metre laps in thick honey. Cruithne was pacing along the lines of the assembled Night Guard, waking up the groups that fell asleep on their feet. Shining Armor sincerely wished he could join them, but the fact he still had a last few things to do and Cruithne’s glares kept him from trying.
He finished signing the last of the papers and handed them to the driver before stepping up into the the doorway of the first car. He called out over the assembled lines, “Is everybody ready?” There were a few pockets of younger guards yelling out ‘Aye, aye!’. Cruithne just turned around and nodded. “Alright then,” shouted Shining Armor over the din, “You should all know which cars you’re in by now. You can walk over to the other cars, but try not to do it too often. You might annoy the engineers.” He gave a sly wink at that comment, before switching over to a more commanding tone. “We should be arriving at Appleloosa a bit before dusk, weather and engineering permitting. Let’s go!” Shining Armor walked through the entryway amid the cheering of the assembled guardsponies.
Once inside the train, Shining let his joking facade down. He shambled towards his car exhaustedly, slumping down on the first available seat. He shifted from side to side, trying to get comfortable. His thoughts drifted over to his assignment. He didn’t like the idea of it, but by golly, he was going to do it.
As the train started moving, Shining Armor fell fast asleep.
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Hey guys, Wolffy here.
Just to let you know, this'll probably be around 3 or 4 parts/chapters long. The tags won't make much sense for the first chapter, mainly 'cause it's setting the scene.
There will be some pretty graphic violence in later parts. Not 'ludicrous gibs' graphic, more 'yes, people will be injured, and it won't be pretty' graphic.
Any comments or critiques are welcomed!
Hope you enjoyed the story so far!
Cleverly written, I think this was well done.
>Changelings
>Eradicate
>Problem
1687949
Thanks! Is there anything in particular you like?
1688798
Aww, don't cry!
This'll be a fairly pony centric fic, but I might write a more changeling centric story at some point
I will be commenting more substantially once I actually read your fic (expect it within 2-4 days or so). The idea seems at first glance to be very similar to one I had in mind (damn you
), so I'll be very intrigued to see how this turns out. Good luck, at any rate. At least you appear to have a minimal grasp of grammar (though you used a run-on in your description...
)
--
IX, of Writers on Writing, Freezecast Reviewers, SCI (primarily), Athanix's Writers' Workshop, and so many others that I can't even remember...
Great minds think a like!
Um, where's the run-on? I seem to be unable to find it
Interesting story, and I like the idea, although some of your paragraphs seem to drone a little bit, (although that may just be my short attention span) while others seem unusually short. On a different note, I don't like the name Cruithne, as the ponies in the show all use english words, or *COUGH COUGH* CELESTIA *COUGH COUGH*, latin-ish. Cruithne seems to stand out a bit, and it seems a little weird to me.
Nonetheless, I am very interested to see where this goes, and I shall most definitely keep reading it. Keep up the excellent writing standards that you have now given yourself.
Thankyou Madam,
Fighting_oreo
Warning: This comment contains the entire story. If you don't want spoilers, DON'T read this story!
Hello there, Wolffy. I've seen your story in the Struggling Authors folder, and I'm here to see if I can offer any sort of advice on both this piece and any future writing you may endeavor to. Please note that this is only my opinion on what works and what doesn't; you may take these comments and criticisms any way you wish.
And since this is your first story on here, I hope you become much better.
Before I begin, I need to point something out in your synopsis: you didn't capitalize "Armor" in "Shining Armor." Please fix that.
Now onto your story!
So this paragraph is your first impression to us, the readers, and here's what I have to say about it: it's a bit verbose and odd. I don't like how you explained each character's jobs, like Lieutenant of the ____ guard and whatnot; I assume they're already familiar with each other and their positions; even if they're not, explaining it here, in the first paragraph, seems to slow it down a lot.
Also, I don't think "beatifically" was a good word choice here. She just resolved something, so I would expect her to smile contentedly rather than blissfully.
But that may be just me. Here's what I have thus far:
Shining Armor--going to investigate Appleloosa
Lieutenant Cruithne--going to investigate Appleloosa
Lieutenant Solar Flare--maintaining security for Canterlot
Princess Celestia--the organizer of this mission
Let's move on to your next paragraph.
This part in orange is something I have a problem with because it feels like you're rushing very badly. Most readers, I believe, don't like being told everything outright; in fact, this is more telling than showing. Knowing the established character, we would think he would be either a) dutiful and go there, b) excited to continue the fight against the changelings, or c) worried a bit about how this interferes with his recent marriage. This bitterness he's showing with his trying and failing to smile,as well as the stirring of dust on the desk, are unusual, and readers would like to guess why he's acting like that. Telling us that he feels weak and guilty about being under Chrysalis' control takes the fun out.
I also believe "crushed" isn't a good word here. Implying that he's already been crushed by it makes this weak. If you're going this route, I think "crushing" would be a better word choice, since it puts the crushing guilt at an active role here, making its involvement in Shining Armor more alive.
I must say that if this paragraph is any indication, you know how to use small actions and body language effectively. I'll see what happens later on.
Shining Armor--guilty about not getting rid of all changelings
Okay, so when we get to dialogue, your actions seem to falter. Telling us that Cruithne was trying to get a better look at Shining Armor's eyes is weak; if you're trying to show her awkwardness, as I'm assuming from the rest of dialogue here, you should just show us that she's craning her neck to stare into his eyes. Then when you have Shining Armor turn his head to Celestia, there's no character commentary here; we don't gleam anything about the situation or their relationship. I also think that you're rushing the accusations of Shining Armor feeling guilty. I recommend having a bit more of a build-up to that.
Also, "any" and pluralizing "migraine" seems like a bad move. Cruithne is worried about him now, right? She would be worried if he has a migraine now, so pluralizing it seems trivial.
Here's another way you could've wrote this:
This is just me, though.
The first part is telling and not showing. Why not just have Celestia interrupt the conversation? We don't need to be told this. The second part, to me, sounds completely OOC. Please look at that again and think about if Celestia would actually say that given the circumstances and her character.
That part in orange is, again, telling and not showing. I suggest in a case like this to cut everything from "but" to "back" and have the dialogue as its own paragraph like this:
Also, she hasn't reproached him yet, so using this word here doesn't seem right.
The interaction here seems alright, although the telling us of Shining Armor's fears earlier ruins the impact of this scene. It's obvious that Shining Armor is stressed, and it's obvious that Celestia cares for him.
Now, I said that the interaction was good; what was actually said bothers me. You do acknowledge that Shining Armor was under Chrysalis' control for most of the story, and that was, in my opinion, effectively used to create doubt. What I have a problem with is this: Shining Armor couldn't wipe them out without Cadence's power of love. I feel as though both of their neglect of that is odd, and creates a fairly big hole in the justification of Shining Armor's doubts. Can I defeat this without Cadence? I almost want to say "who cares?"
But I may be the only person bothered by that. Like I said, the interactions were good.
So here's what I have from completing the scene in this room:
-Shining Armor doubts his ability to continue fighting the changelings, but will fight anyway despite his fears
-Celestia, although worried about him, trusts him enough to send him away
-Cruithne is awkward
-Solar Flare is just chillin'
Now we move on to the scene with Cruithne and Solar Flare!
I actually have no problem with this part. I do question the "strange" light, but not enough to complain about it.
Getting nitpicky, I think the underlined words "to" and "then" are dead words. Consider taking them out.
Getting less nitpicky, you have problems with ellipses, I think. Given how awkward Cruithne appears to be, I don't feel as though she would hesitate to muse on a word before saying it. It sounds odd. Given how blunt Solar Flare feels here, I don't think he'd deliberate either. You know your characters, though, but it sounded odd to me.
I do like the bantering that went on, and the part about the literal/figurative was amusing.
That comma isn't needed. I also question your usage of the term "T-Junction" when referring to a hallway; I've not heard it used in that context, but it could be acceptable. I will say that I believe the interactions here are nice.
There are some places where I think you're stating it too bluntly. When you say that he had more pressing concerns, I think you could do with saying he quickly shook that minor doubt out of his mind and focused on the bigger task. When you mention Shining Armor trusting his instincts in this instance feels out of place and unnecessary; maybe rewording it to where he considered his instinct more, instead of outright saying he trusted it, would help strengthen the paranoia and doubt he's feeling.
There are also places I feel are odd. With how blunt everything is, describing his bodily condition as being "hit by saucepans" and "like clay" feels bad. It doesn't fit in this place; I could understand it if it were a bit more humorous of a situation, where the colorful imagery would boost the humor, but you're describing a serious situation, so the colorful imagery feels completely out of place here. I think something like
would be better for this particular tone The hammer analogy honestly doesn't bother me as much, but it might other people; keep that in mind.
Please also focus on the silver parts; these are sections that I don't understand at all. The first part about the other things being a given confuse me. What's the importance of that? Why wasn't it mentioned in the report? Why, in the changeling case, are the other things potentially important? The second part--either by wording or the actual content--I don't understand at all. I can't make out what you're trying to convey there. It's incredibly unclear.
Finally, and this is nitpicky, I don't think you used the word "hypothetical" correctly, but I'm not entirely sure. Please double-check that to see if you did.
So we've reached the first ***, and my summary is this so far: you have show-don't-tell problems, your word choice is questionable, and you're rushing your divulging of information. You do have points where body language is good, and your dialogue seems reasonable.
Now to the scene with Shining Armor and Cadence!
I actually like your scenery here. The dancing shadows transforming into changeling limbs appears to be a good psychological tactic to show Shining Armor's plight. I will suggest moving Cadence's dialogue to a new paragraph, to organize it better.
Also, I think that part in orange could be worded better. It sounds a bit clunky as is. Please look at this:
Please play around with that sentence YOU have, and see if you can't word it better. Anyway, I think the phrase "too many" isn't necessary.
That part in orange seems awkward. Other than that, I think this is nice dialogue. The first part about having a big trip seems a tad weak, but that may be just me. I don't think I can suggest an adequate change to that.
I think this is a very nice exchange between Cadence and Shining Armor. I do have to complain about how you described the sky as "deep blue" and "fiery gold." I don't think your story is descriptive enough, or is in either the right place or mood, to warrant these. Besides, "fiery gold" seems like it would come after "the cool blue" instead of the "deep" blue. If the character were staring at the sky extensively, then the colorful imagery could add an exploratory feeling; if characters were preparing for war, then the harsh cold deep blue sky being replaced by a fiery sky could be symbolic of how even the sky is preparing for war.
But that may just be me.
1. Travel OFF Appleloosa? Do you mean travel TO Appleloosa?
2. "500-metre" should probably be hyphened, since these two things are describing one aspect of laps: the distance (both the numerical distance and the units the distance are in).
3. Considering what fandom you're writing for, you should probably write "hooves" instead of "feet". Consider this.
4. I think "the fact THAT he" would sound better.
5. I think you need either a comma or a dash at that last part. "...to do, and Cruithne's glares, kept him..." or "...to do--and Cruithne's glares--kept him..." Both look good to me, but one is more correct than the other. I'm not sure which, and I apologize for that, but i do believe that either of those will make this sound better.
You don't need punctuation after a quote if you already have a punctuation mark in the quote. "Aye, aye!". <- This is incorrect. "Aye, Aye!" is fine. Also, that part in Silver makes no sense to me. "They'll get annoyed by it!
" Why did he wink? This seems like an out-of-place action, but I'm not sure. I do like what you have here, though.
"By golly" seems completely out of place. Other than that, no complaints.
...What? This is the cliffhanger that we have, this is what we come to? He already slept in the last scene, so this doesn't do anything. This is a very weak ending. There's no comments on Shining Armor's character, on the situation, on the scenery or atmosphere--it feels as though it ends prematurely!
Well, this is chapter one, and I do hope you get better. Your dialogue seems fine for now, and your body language seems, for the most part, good. There don't seem to be any consistent grammatical errors.
There are a lot of things you can focus on, though, but don't worry yourself over all of them.
-At times, the way you have things worded doesn't come across clearly--at least for me.
-Quit musing on your character all the time. Let the reader try and understand the character, and let the scene develop through the characters' emotions and their own reasoning.
-Stop wording things descriptively when they don't warrant it. Read the first chapter of Imploding Colon's "Austraeoh" and see how he uses language to evoke a mood. When you describe the sky, it comes across as you trying too hard; when he does it, it appears as though everything has a justifiable effect.
-Work on your pacing.
-Work on your word choice (possibly)
-Also, and this is related specifically to this story, the way you're mixing his worrying about his abilities and his determination to get the job done isn't good. When he talks about being under the power of Chrysalis, AND THEN talks about him doing the job no matter what, I was left scratching my head. I didn't know when he felt balked and when he felt determined; it didn't come through clearly. Please have small moments where either the doubts creep into his mind or he pushes them out to focus on his job.
I hope this review finds you as helpful. Again, this is not meant to discourage you in any way; it is only meant to help you. I will not comment as in-depth as I just did next time, since this is the first chapter of your first story. I hope to see you improve.
I wish you the best of your talents with the rest of this story!