(please read entire description)
(News: first prelude 'Unreconciled' is being written for release before chapter 3)
After nine relatively peaceful years in Ponyville, Spike falls into hibernation and a protracted nightmare.
Upon awakening, the uncertain future of the World is thrust onto him by a message from the Great Teacher, Starswirl,whom may yet live.
The Royal Sisters are trapped in conflict with a Draconic entity capable of destroying the universe.
All the while, Spike and the Elements of Harmony each must seek out powers and wisdom rooted in the origins of the world.
They do this in hopes of overcoming a foe that roils the black and starry depths of the very heavens.
In their absence, the former CMC and the uprising youth of Ponyville grasp power in the midst of possible griffin invasions from the Avian continent.
[key: Telepathy; Thoughts; EMPHASIS in dialogue ; Magic Spells/Special Abilities ; * marks objects or facts related to side stories]
NARRATIVE BRANCHES
(Chronology of back-stories in the Machi-verse)
<prelude>"The Wyrm Has Turned" [un-posted]
<prelude> An Astronomy of Souls [un-posted]
<prelude>Waiting For Galaxei [un-posted]
<prelude>Too Far From The Tree [un-posted]
<cross>Appleseed Hill [un-posted]
<cross>Gambling in the Dust Trough [un-posted]
<cross>Absolute Defense [un-posted]
[credits]
Cover: dsurion (http://dsurion.deviantart.com/) edited: Muzzledelk
editor/illustrator Credit:
AwSweetHolyHell, Frees,Quisky, Karon, lordlyhour, Samaru163, genocidal brony...
all other contributions are credited within the work.(all art use has been permitted by the respective creators.)
Well people, this is my first ever fanfic and my first ever story.
I'm going to take it VERY slow.
I have big plans for this and I hope you all can help me make it better.
1.Grammar, Dialogue and Punctuation. HOW bad is it and how can I fix it?
2.Artists! I try my best to vividly depict a fantastic world. Hopefully you'll find something worth illustrating as the story progresses. I'll take most any art and use it if it gives a better sense of the setting.
3.Music. I might add music links to the story later on. what is your opinion on that?
4.This is a BRANCHING NARRATIVE. That means it only follows one protagonist through a single part of a multi-part storyline.
issues with this will be addressed. try to keep calm and work with me.
Here's to a my first ever fic!
I love everyone who reads it! even if they down vote!
[I'd rather you not down vote it. Instead, I'd like a thorough run over what the problem is and how it can be rectified.]
Well, This certainly IS good reading. I found myself dubious at first, but I was well Drawn into this when I got into it. I'm looking foward to More (especially the backstory to your equestria). Well Written and VERY well timed (I needed another fic to start following, 'cause most of the one I have been are Over or drawig to a close) I Certainly hope you get the attention you deserve on this Fic. In response to your request for reviews, I'll come back ater I've had a good Night's sleep and have a look over it then. At the moment, I'm having difficulty remembering how to put scentances toether. Tracked. Also liking your plans for the Fic, Now I've checked your Blogpost
360650
Thanx! I like a team effort! Audience involvement will keep me motivated.
Pretty interesting. As far as prologues go, this is solid stuff. Throws in a butt-load of unknown factors to make the reader wonder what gives and get him in and the like.
I think what I liked most was the lexical work woven into this read. Gotta admit, the lack of redundancy and usage of not that common words felt very sexy indeed. Dialogues are good enough, they feel natural considering the relation between Celestia and Luna and the fact they're "ill". None of them really jumped out at me as inconsistent, unlikely or shallow.
At the end of the day, my only qualm with this read is the very beginning. First paragraph feels a little too choppy and clunky, it could very easily be made more fluid and, at least in my opinion, get the reader to smoothly ease himself in the read.
Then the two following paragraphs are a little too confusing, even for a prologue. The 'they' you throw in doesn't really relate to anything. Possibly, we can assume, but the lack of precision in that pronoun makes it very confusing in conjunction with what follows.
And the second one, I can only assume that it's Luna musing on how she feels about immortality and how that perception is altered when that immortality becomes marred with pain n' suffering or something. Possibly, I'm wrong, but then it just goes to prove my point (which is that the musing is a little too open to interpretation and could be worded in a far more precise and less alienating manner)
That's my take on the matter in any case. My perception might very well be muddled and I'm just talking crap and everyone else understood the start just fine, but I had a little trouble working my way through it and getting all the underlying meanings worked into it.
If I do turn out right, though, these remain small mistakes, in the grand design of things... Problem is, they're at the very start of the story, and that's the spot you should put most work into (well, that and possibly the synopsis, you're good on that side, though)
About sums up my experience of the prologue.
360727
I appreciate you taking the time to tell me what you saw as weakness in my writing.
It'll go toward me telling a better story.
I'll roll the first few paragraphs over my tongue for a bit.
If I can pretty em' up, I'll have you to thank!
Good lookin' out, Homie!
This story has me totally enthralled. I want to be able to read more of this very soon.
362527
I really want to have chapter 1 up by this time next week,but I have math tests and other school stuff.
I will see what I can do!
wish me luck!
Very nice intro, to say the least.
I'd like to see how you handle this in the future, and the only sub-par negative thing I have to say is the spacing between shifting paragraphs and sentences, threw me off that one paragraph would be connected to the other, while some were separated by multiple chunks of space. But, other than that, looking forward to what comes next!
366964
I'll get on that.
Its very good ^^ cant wait to read more of it.
Hokelly Dokeroo; Lordly has his act together and can give you a review! You've got my opinion of the story so far upwards, so now it's time for the Spelling and grammar portion. Spellingwise, good. No Spelling errors I'm Able to discern. Thumbs up! However, there are quite a few Grammatical Errors contained within. Hence, I will list those I've spotted. I'll place all errors I've noticed in Brackets for easy Ctrl+F editing, with the error in bold, along with an explaination of what the error is.
Problems with "'s: A problem that appears in several Places, you've put an " with a space between it and the sentence spoken. While I'm not sure wether or not thats a concrete rule, It does look terribly untidy.
Now, Capitilisation. You appear to have the opposite problem to me; Whereas I gratuitously throw Capital letters about, placing them seemingly at random, you have the habit of not Capitalizing in places where capitals should definitely be.
(Sister, what is this? why is this) An exclaimation mark doubles as a full stop. As such, words following one should be Capitalized
(Sathiel. anchor of the moon. axle of the earth) (only recently) Even if it's still part of a spoken sentence, a full-stop should be followed by a capital letter. Also, I'm unsure whether you intend Proto-dragon to be capitalized. You do so the first time, but don't the second. Whether that is error or not, I am uncertain.
(It's Existance) an Its/It's error. I can tell you know the difference as this is the only one.
Also, a few Spacing errors: (Well of the past .) (Deep ,Magical might) (responsible,but) (about it ,Luna)
Elipsis (...'s that is) should have a space both before AND after it, if one is going to use the strict usage like so; [Word ... Word]. However, it's more common [and in my opinion, Looks better] to use it in the form of [Word... Word] or [Word ...Word], Depending on how one wants the pause Emphasised [Word... Word] indicates the first word is drawn out while the second is spoken either normally or slightly faster than normal whereas [word ...word] is the inverse
Thar be the lot that I've spotted. I may not have caught them all, but it's a start. As a postscript; BY THE MIGHTY BEARD OF CELESTIA, THE LUXURIOUS MOUSTACHE OF LUNA AND THE CHISELED BICEPS OF TWILIGHT SPARKLE, I BESEECH THEE, MIGHTY GODS OF FIMFICTION.COM; Send this the first time, So I need not write all this again. It's a pain doing a review with From-Text examples without use of Copy Paste. Handheld games aren't the best choice of reviewing equipment, FYI
393508
I appreciate your efforts,bro. I know you have to deal with a lot of stress and the fact you took the time to review my work is very heartening. Now, to follow your advice.
400801
yeah,but the hard part is how to keep the ball rolling.
I had to split Chapter 1 in half and make the first half another prologue. It will make more sense that way. the true Chapter 1 will be posted later. It will be larger. I promise.
anyways. let the EDITING begin!!
Good Morning! What a lovely gift to wake up to. Now, To read, then to re-read, then to read and edit.
414091 Sorry about the size of the update. I cut it off the top of the true chapter,which is not ready for publishing yet.
414153 That's Fine. I'm certainly not complaining. The Re-read part of my comment is just something I tend to do, to let it sink in a little more, if that's what you're worried about. I do it no matter how long the chapter. Now, having done my whole process, Time for me to get to working
In order of appearance:
(" Yet another dream.")
(" I guess this is the end.")
( didn't resound.Instead the )
A few Spacebar mishaps, once again
(Come on! come on!)
(panting. the fores pulled) You've really improved in relation to your Capitilising. Just remember, Exclaimation marks, Questionmarks and Exlamabangs (One o' These suckers: http://a1.twimg.com/profile_images/281383239/203D.gif They aren't common, but Obscure exlaimation marks are fun) count as Fullstops as well as Tonal modifiers.
(" I've told you no.)
(fell away) Double spacing here, just in case you were wondering what was wrong with that
(Spike ,on the other)
And those are the lot that Lordly did spot. Have a nice day. Or Night. Or whatever time of day it happens to be wherever you are.
Lordlyhour, Lordlyout
Hey it's me. Really, Really like your story!
Hope you finish it! Can't wait for chapter uno.
414803 I'm glad you like. please rate and follow. i work slow but I intend to finish this!
YESH
418088
It means 'yes', which also means this is awesome
418468
430297
It will go A LOT of places.
to all you comic artists out there, I'm going to b writing some CRAAAZY stuff! I dare ya to illustrate it!
Exciting, promosing, and fascinating
Can't wait to see the real first chapter and if its not already in the story somewhere could we get a more descriptive version of spikes new build helps with the visualization and what not as the doctor would say (even if its just a comment responce)
435283
Don't worry! I'm trotting down the first chapter as I'm writing this to you.
I'll have spike fully described and in action before you know it!
If I don't get too busy I'll have it up by the Weekend.
435462 amazing and fantastic on all accounts my good man and heres hopeing you don't get too busy
Whoa... This is pretty deep. Tracking!
460311
Thank you!
Good
to see ya writing, 'opai. Can't wait to see where this goes!
467115 I can't wait either!
THE FATHER OF TIME FINDS THIS AMAZING!
490460 I am honored Time father!
All right readers!
help me Improve this!
Does it need improving? Nope.
Hello yellow! Sorry about taking so long, but I've been off my computer for a while (damn my addicitve personality and DAMN me for reinteresting myself in pokemon. Gotta... Catch them.... ALLL!!! THEY'RE GOING TO LOVE ME!
)
Will read, re-read then do the usual in an edit.
*edit* later. I need to go as of now *sigh*
*edit* Le FINALLLLLLY. Got sick, Just about slept for three full days. Curse my goddamned Body's Goddamned bad timing.
(limbs. they)
(the under hand) Should be on the Other hand.
(down pour) One word
(Once was. am dragon no more. am ....Other now) I'm assuiming this is intentional, to indicate that speaking is kind of unfamiliar to Gimel-Grof, but I'm putting it here, just in case
(counter clock wise) Counterclockwise or Counter-Clockwise(or Anticlockwise, if, like me, you're from one of the places that speaks Commonwealth English rather than American English)
(That was Gimel-grof) Fullstop required
(Come. conversion or destruction. Choose.) Again unsure, but it seems to me Capitilisation is required
(forward,a bursts) Twofer. A Space is needed and you need to remove the A (or the S) as it stands its both singular and plural
(incoming strike,but)
(the demon's) Capitilize "The")
And that be the lot Belated Lordly did spot
497241
are you certain?
My only reaction to this awesome chapter.
497963
MEETAAAALLLL!
here's the stories soundtrack : War for Being
497994
Holy fuck, Two Steps From Hell!
YESH
498000 just some stuff to listen to while reading and/or writing!
I AM SO DAMN HAPPY TO SEE MY ART HERE.
Nice chapter.
I'll be checking this out in not to long
498931 Thanks!
Just a little thing, straight up: if you're gonna be submitting this on Eqd, take my word on it and work on the punctuation when you're going from a line of dialogue to something like 'Spike said/whispered/voiced/whatever talking verb'
They're pretty sharp on that xD (one among many a things they're sharp about)
Otherwise this was pretty solid, methinks. Although there were a couple passages were I found myself going 'wut' when Spike was speaking/thinking stuff in too much of a conceited way.
Also, that's probably just me, but sometimes I think you jump around from one idea to another a bit too quickly and don't flesh 'em out enough. ><
499859 please point out those parts...let's look over them...
Elderitch abominations
Spike as the powerful hero he sees himself as
Destroyed equestria
...................................................................................I like this.
500546 SWAG...
500715
Must resist urge..........
Crush!
Kill!
Destroy!
SWAG!
500730
"That's what I said ya crazy cunt! HURR HURR HURR!"