Chapter 1
/*
This chapter gives a little back story to Shadowmere. I don’t really have anything to put here so... Enjoy.
*/
3rd Person
We find ourselves in the middle of a forest clearing. There we see Shadowmere and Bright Skies sleeping peacefully. The day has just begun; the sun is just now rising. Today looks like it’s going to be a great day, but looks can be deceiving. Shadowmere prone body starts to stir and his eyes slowly open.
1st Person
I woke up slowly trying to get as much rest as possible. Last nights nightmares were the usual. A pony getting chased by a manticore, another falling from the sky, and finally one was the last pony in all of Equestria. Pretty normal nightmares last night, the only thing abnormal were that they weren’t mine. Somewhere last night another pony and I were having the exact same nightmare, his nightmare. I tried to think back to a day when I had a peaceful night’s sleep or even a time when the nightmare was my own. That day was 17 years ago when I was only five.... a day before I had gotten my cutie mark. I craned my neck around carful not to wake my sleeping sister. I looked back at where my cutie mark was supposed to be. To any other pony I would appear to be a blank flank, but I knew better I knew what my special talent was and I know that my cutie mark is actually there. I thought back to that fateful day that I earned it.
~~~ 17 years ago ~~~
“Come on Shadow we have to get to school we don’t want to be late again”
“Blitz, come on just five more minutes. Then I’ll get up” I slowly replied.
“NO! We have to go now. Do you realize what teach will do to me if I’m late one more time?” Blitz replied his fear obviously leaking out.
“No I don’t, our teacher seems really nice I don’t understand why you’re so afraid of him.” I said getting myself out of bed.
I slowly opened my eyes looking straight at the short red pegasus that had taken me away from my dream of cookies and ice-cream. Flare Blitz stood in the middle of my room his red coat standing out compared to my bland room. His tail and mane always appeared to be on fire because of its coloration. He stood there wearing his trademark smirk. I was about to get up when I had a sudden realization.
“How did you get into my room?” I questioned.
He visibly started sweating before starting to say “Well you see... there was a..... Oh forget it I snuck in through your window because I got tired of waiting for you. You really should lock your windows.” I saw his smirk grow large, he seemed very proud of himself.
“But I did lock my windows last night.” I replied a little bit stunned.
Blitz quickly responded “let me rephrase that. You need to learn to lock you windows better.”
“I had five locks on that window you know how paranoid I am!” I almost shouted fearing that if he could unlock my window what other types of ponies or other things could unlock it as well.
Then he started laughing and I was wondering what was so funny until he said. “Come on I’m just messing with you your mom let me in there is no way anything can open that window of yours.” He said before taking another deep breath and laughing even harder.
“Not funny dude. You know that I’m afraid of somepony sneaking into my house at night” I responded my anger building steadily.
“Yea I know and that’s what makes it so funny” I stated bluntly.
“That’s it I’m not buying you a cupcake today.” I told him.
“Wait come on it was only a joke there is no need to do anything that rash” He responded visibly shaken by this statement.
I never understood how deep his craving for cupcakes went, but he always had to have one at least once a day or... I’m not going to go into detail, but it isn’t pretty.
“Then if you want your cupcake you need to apologize to me.” I said right back.
“Ok fine I’m sorry for freaking you out. Now about that cupcake.” He replied.
“Right, one vanilla cupcake with chocolate icing and rainbow sprinkles am I right?” I asked not really needing an answer his drool from my description was enough. “Well come on we should get to school now don’t want to be late.” I finally said.
“Oh right, we need to leave right now.” He said quickly before racing down the stairs and taking off for the school yard.
I quickly got my gear together and took off towards the school. I was attending the Canterlot School for gifted ponies. It didn’t take long to get there it was only about a minute flight away. When I landed Blitz was waiting at the door for me. As I walked into the building him by my side we arrived at classroom 2-A just in time to hear the bell ring we took our seats and waited for the teacher to start class.
“That reminds me” I thought to myself “I still don’t understand why Blitz is so afraid of teach. I wish there was some way for me to find out.”
Then it hit me. A few days ago we learned spells about the mind. I was always good with magic maybe I could alter it a little I should be able to use it the way I want it to. I thought this was the perfect way to find out, but wait... teacher said we really shouldn’t use spells like that. Well what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him. I quietly whispered my plan to Blitz so he wouldn’t freak out and draw unwanted attention. He didn’t seem too phased by it. He seemed very interested to see if I could actually do it. So I slowly and carefully opened up my mind and used the new spell I had just thought up, and then I projected it towards Blitz. When I made contact I felt no resistance. I found myself in a really dark room. Then a scene started to play out in front of me I saw Blitz even younger than now and in front of him was a very stern looking unicorn, which I recognized as Blitz’s old teacher before he transferred. Then the teacher’s horn started glowing and a ruler suddenly appeared and started to beat Blitz. So this is why Blitz is so afraid of all teachers. He was afraid of all teachers because he thought they were all like his old teacher. At first I felt very sad, but then it dawned on me the spell worked. I understood Blitz’s fears now.
I quietly opened my eyes I could still feel a slight connection to Blitz and his fears. I slowly whispered to him “it worked, it worked, I saw it all I understand now.”
At first he seemed surprised then he seemed very happy. I was very happy too, but then I started to see the teacher start to walk towards us. He didn’t seem angry though. In fact, I though he seemed proud. I had no idea why until he said.
“I wonder what you two could be talking about that is so important. It couldn’t be the new cutie mark Shadowmere just got could it?”
At first I was confused, then it hit me and I swung my head around as quick as I could and sure enough my flank was glowing and the outline of a circle could be seen if you looked close enough. The glowing stopped and the circle seemed to disappear, but I could still feel it there I had just earned my cutie mark. A black circle a wonder what it could mean.
The teacher seemed to be thinking the same thing because he said. “It appears your cutie mark blends in with your coat perfectly. I have never seen anything like it before.”
I had stopped listening though. I fell over, off of my charge and screamed. It wasn’t a scream of happiness; it was a scream of fear. I didn’t know what was happening I suddenly had a rush of emotions almost all of them some type of fear. I didn’t understand but then I realized the spell I hadn’t stopped it so now it’s expanding. I stopped pouring my magic into the spell. My horn stopped glowing, but I still felt all the fear, all the hate. I felt all of it I wondered why, what’s happening I stopped the spell I shouldn’t be feeling this. Once again I suddenly realized that it wasn’t the spell it was my special talent, the black circle, it is darkness. My special talent is sensing the fear, hate, evil, and all other dark emotions in ponies. Slowly others approached me wondering what was happening. And then I blacked out.
3rd Person
The black pony on the floor had stopped screaming, but he was still shaking like a foal in a lightning storm. Just as quickly as he started it stopped the pony lay still unmoving. Then his mane and tail started to do something unexpected... they started floating. It was like there was some wind that was blowing it upwards. The black pony slowly stood up his eyes closed, but something was amiss he didn’t seem like the Shadowmere everypony knew. He didn’t have any emotion on his face. Then his eyes opened if anypony was able to look into them they would all say they weren’t the same eyes these eyes were only darkness nothing else. However nopony was able to look at them for more than an instant. As soon as they even glimpsed his eyes they suddenly fell over screaming. Until eventually only Shadowmere and Blitz were standing up still. Blitz was behind Shadowmere so he never saw his eyes.
“Shadow what’s happening.... What’s going on? Why are you doing this?”
Shadowmere turned around slowly his face showing no emotion. Then Blitz looked into his eyes and just like the others he fell immediately screaming. Shadowmere stood still for a second before his eyes changed back to normal and his mane and tail fell back into their normal positions. Then he fell over as well.
Paramedics arrived moments later after being called by other ponies about the screaming in the school. They took all the ponies on stretchers to the hospital to diagnose them.
1st Person
I slowly woke up I tried to remember where I was. I looked around and found myself in a hospital room. I turned my head slowly and saw Blitz sitting in the bed next to me he was awake and shivering from fright. It was then my memories came flooding back I remembered everything. I remembered looking at ponies and them falling over. I was in my body but it was like I was just observing from its point of view. I had no control all I could do was watch as multiple scenes played through my head of the ponies fears before they fell over. Based on their reactions I could only guess that they were watching these as well. Then I heard a voice behind my I recognized it as Blitz’s, but I couldn’t make out what he was saying my body turned around on its own accord and looked at him suddenly the scene I saw was of Blitz sitting in the middle of a circle of teachers all beating him, and that’s when I realized what this was. Whenever anypony looked me in the eyes they saw their greatest fear. After I realized this I blacked out once again. Then I woke up here.
“Blitz are you okay?” I slowly said.
As soon as I spoke he looked quickly at me clearly afraid, and he said quietly.
“You have no right to ask me that. This is your fault. Just leave me alone.”
I slowly realized what he was saying. He blamed me for this, but he should this is all my fault. I started to get up when I noticed that I could still feel the fear he felt for me. I felt around again and felt the fear of the ponies in the next room over my other classmates they also were afraid of me. I could still feel the fear. This really was my special talent, but.... it is more of a curse. I turned my head towards the door because I felt something amiss there were two ponies at the door their fear was not of me but for me. My parents came through the door my mother obviously had been crying. My father tried to look strong, but it was obvious to me he was still scared that I was hurt.
However both their feelings changed after my teacher came in the room and explained what happened in class. My mother looked at me scared now she was afraid of me. My father on the other hand wasn’t scared he was angry. This became obvious when he said.
“You were always a good kid but look what you did now. You are not my son anymore. My son was a prodigy you are a monster. You no longer have any connection to us I suggest you leave.”
I sat there for a second holding back the tears my parents had just disowned me.
After a few days in the hospital with no other incidents I left the town I had grown up in never to return.
I spent the next few years living in the forest learning to control my power. I learned it worked on all living things. So I knew what the animals were afraid of so I could keep them away. My powers grew and soon I was able to control when I sensed fears and how many fears I sensed. I would still lose control of my power every so often. I decided that when I lost control I was being possessed by the darkness in order to spread darkness. Soon I left the forest hoping I could try and live a normal life.... Things didn’t exactly go as planed....
~~~ Present Day ~~~
I was taken out of my reminiscing by a stirring by my side as Bright Skies started to wake up. I slowly started to smile before finally thinking to myself.
“Things may not have gone as I planed, but I don’t think I would have it any other way if I could.”
I finished my thought just as Skies woke up and smiled at me. We have a long journey ahead of us. At least on this journey, we will always have each other.
/*
Okay pretty long back story for Shadowmere here. Explains his powers a bit and lets you understand him a little bit more. Took me awhile to write this because well... Shadowmere is one confusing guy. Hope you enjoyed they story. Well until next time.
~Black Light
*/
An Alicorn OC, you might want to change that. This community doesn't take lightly to Alicorns other than their precious Princesses.
look forward to next chaper
-Shadow Flare.
Alicorn OC+Black coat+Pony Creator cover art=instant downvotes x3!!!!
Seriously, you might want to change that. At least ditch either the wings or the horn. Might decrease the likelyhood of downvotes.
I like this
I can promise that they are correct in assuming the your story may be rated unfairly based solely on your OC's biology. Big whoop. This story is good and outside of comma usage, or lack thereof, this story is rock solid. You're gonna get some hate, but don't take the story down simply because of a few negative comments. I don't know if you re-read your stories before posting, but you can catch a lot of errors that way.
What browser do you use? I use Google Chrome, simply because it has a built in spell-check. :P
-Love Sol-
Oh, why have you taken a character / horse from another body of fiction, and taken it as your own?
Shadowmere? That's out of the Elder Scrolls, right? Can't you at least be original when you write poorly?
“Yea I know and that’s what makes it so funny” I stated bluntly
Needs to be 'he stated bluntly'
Learn to use commas more. Also you're going to have to explain why Shadowmere is an alicorn, because I currently see no reason for him not to just be a unicorn.
The part where his parents disowned him seems to unrealistic, if they were originally worried about him that much then it makes no sense for them to suddenly turn on him like that because of one incident beyond his control.
Alright... your mechanics are quite good actually, few commas missing but aside from that it was decent.
You don't need to have thoughts in quotations. Just make them italics and make the 'I thought to myself' non italic.
general.ca/site_general/g_pictures/30-300.jpg
This is a thickness planer. It is a very loud machine that is used to make sure that pieces of wood are the right thickness and are flat (when used with a jointer). Using it is called planing the wood.
Now: your OC.
Alicorn OCs are for the most part either Gary Stus or Mary Sues. Or else they use either their wings or magic for the most part and the other is just there for vanity or to get them out of a tight situation. Ask yourself: does it have to be an Alicorn. And does it have to be connected to darkness....
Seriously... alicorn who's connected to darkness and has nightmares... [sarcasm]wow the originality is off the charts[/sarcasm]
Changes of POV.
These things are really annoying. Try to keep it to one and only one. And your third person is a bit odd. For example.
We? That's first person.
GUYS WHAT IS THE PROBLEM WITH ALICORN OC'S ????????!!!!!!!!!
if u don't like it don't read it but please just don't down vote it because the OC is an alicorn
1544081
We don't dislike it because of the Mary Sue Alicorn OC. We dislike it because the story just plain sucks.
1543600
Did they take your hat back?
I hear the train-a coming...
Power issues aside, alicorns break show canon: there are 2 or 3 canon alicorns, and no more. Fans of the show LIKE the canon setting, so any new alicorn has an uphill struggle to gain fan acceptance. See: Princess Cadence.
And stick with first or third person, PLEASE. Unless you're having one character narrate a part of story to another, there's no valid reason to switch between them.
WITH THE POWER OF MY MOUSE, I clicked like for you and I never read it. Oh well, you need dem likes.
1544356
That's the sound of the train leaving, actually. You're late the party, bro.
1544391
Sympathy likes don't help anyone, man. If he's made a bad story, then the DVs are gonna come. Don't give him a like and expect it to do anything; help him improve instead.
Review, give tips, even offer your services as a proofreader and idea helper. Just don't leave a green thumb where it isn't earned.
1544081
Da genral problemz wit alicorn boyz iz dat dey get reely close ta bein a Sue; dey're so powaful an perfekt dat it ain't any fun ta read bout dem. So if ya gotz an alicorn as yer main characta, insteda az a background boy (loik Twily and Celly in da main show), yer alreddy in danga a makin yer boy a Sue.
1544417
files-cdn.formspring.me/photos/20120621/n4fe38fc36003a.jpg
1544417
Oh, I know some TW explorers have done their work here, but I was essentially 'calling' that this would be added to one of the TWE folders. Makes me look clever if I can predict it. Between inconsistent perspective and having an alicorn OC, I think it'll wind up there eventually.
Alicorn OC = BAD.
Dark Coat = BAD, (Trust me, my OC is like that, people hate me for it, they say "no pony in the show has a dark coat", my argument is ShadowLane)
General Zoi's pony creator for COVER ART, = BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD. It's okay if you're just wanting to let ponies know what your OC is like, then okay but if you're using it to show a story... just... NO! BAD!
As long as you don't have this pulling the Death Star laser out of his ass when shit be goin' down, I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt.
This story is just too vaguely detailed with its wording. Can't really get into it, what with the sentences sounding like they came out of some preschool book or something.
1544454
It'll get there eventually.
1544424
Figures.
This story sounds like it can become extremely well liked in a short amount of time. I liked it and got into it right away and though I read a lot that rarely happens. I hope you will continue this for a long time.
1544832
Well, oim ardly da best boy ta go to fer litritchure an all dat kunnin stuff... oim more da kina by dat chops prollems till dey stop bein prollems. Oi do moi best, do.
I'm happy to see that some people like my story. I'm also happy to be getting feedback. I expected that there would be a few grammatical errors, and I knew that I would get some hate for a black alicorn OC but personally I don't care. I have him like that for the simple reason that I want him to be that way. From what I can tell most people don't like the switch in perspective so I'll try to limit it as much as possible. I will say that there will be some points that he does seem overpowered but that's mostly when either Skies or the mane 6 are in danger. I don't do that too often though because I want it to be him just trying to live as normal a life as possible. From the look of the like/dislike bar it seems that about half the people like it and the other half don't probably because of the alicorn OC. So for those that do like it I am going to keep on writing and keep on posting.
~Black Light
Oh, hey, new profile pic... when'd that happen... also cool story. ... But you should probably go ahead and post a few more chapters. You have a large enough buffer if you get stuck.
*sigh* ok, first off, 2 things.
1.1543921 He used the name, and that's about it, get the fuck over it.
2.1544181 A prologue, one chapter, and a very loose description, ahh yes, i can see how you must know SOOO much about the story after reading all of that.
As far as the switching between 1st and 3rd i think he does it less in the future chapters, i'll have to double check though. or BL could just correct me if i'm wrong.
One last thing, if you're reading this, either,
A. you're just scrolling through the comments, in which case, Hi.
or
B. Intending to post a comment, and just happened read this on your way there.
and if the latter is the case, and you didn't like the story, i'm not going to tell you to keep it to yourself, that would be stupid and make me look like an ignorant asshole, but at the very least give some suggestions on how he can improve the story, or just say what you didn't like about it.
tl;dr;
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MaH4wFL7P8c
So...
He was born as an alicorn ?
So...
He was born as an alicorn ?
Worst. Parents. Ever.
Nice fic though.