My name is Shadowmere. I'm just trying to live my life, but I have a special condition that doesn't let me. I've been running from town to town trying to escape the hate that's been following me since I was small. Any friends that I've had have left me when they learn who I really am. I've been traveling around Equestria with my younger sister Bright Skies. She's all I have left now. I've been rejected and hated in every town I've gone to, but I don't blame them. If I knew that there was somepony in my town that was a monster I would probably hate them too. I'm about to go to a new town maybe it will be different, but I don't expect any such luck. Nopony has ever accepted me or even tried to. I hope I can at least stay here for a while before I have to leave for a new town again.
I'm Shadowmere, I know fear, I know hate, and I know darkness. I know everypony's.
/*
This is my first story any feedback would be appreciated.
Possible change in tags and characters as story progresses.
I now also feel obligated to inform readers that this is not some sort of crossover with the video game, The Darkness. If it was Shadowmere would have a lot more snake tentacle monster tendril things. This idea was derived from my own insane mind before I even knew of the game itself. Though there are some similarities the story is its own.
*/
I tried a story where the mane character was a OC alicorn, it got 15 dislikes within the hour. I took it down and deleted it, a bad move.
I think you should try keep it in either 3rd person or 1st, or have it like, one chapter is just one point of view. And no matter what, don't let the hatters get to you like i did to me.
-Shadow F.
Keep at it
An Alicorn OC, you might want to change that. This community doesn't take lightly to Alicorns other than their precious Princesses.
look forward to next chaper
-Shadow Flare.
Alicorn OC+Black coat+Pony Creator cover art=instant downvotes x3!!!!
Seriously, you might want to change that. At least ditch either the wings or the horn. Might decrease the likelyhood of downvotes.
I like this
In my opinion, you're playing with fire: your main character being an alicorn can make or break your story, and I'd hate to see the latter happen. I like it, I like the characters and I like the background you've set up. I am interested to see how this will play out and I am intetested to see what makes ponies run him out of town. However, if you plan to keep switching the views, then I would suggest you keep one view predominant and make the transitions smooth and brief.
P.S. Would the name 'Shadowmere' come from everyone's favorite horse in "The Elder Scrolls" series? If so, nice...
-Love Sol-
I can promise that they are correct in assuming the your story may be rated unfairly based solely on your OC's biology. Big whoop. This story is good and outside of comma usage, or lack thereof, this story is rock solid. You're gonna get some hate, but don't take the story down simply because of a few negative comments. I don't know if you re-read your stories before posting, but you can catch a lot of errors that way.
What browser do you use? I use Google Chrome, simply because it has a built in spell-check. :P
-Love Sol-
Oh, why have you taken a character / horse from another body of fiction, and taken it as your own?
Shadowmere? That's out of the Elder Scrolls, right? Can't you at least be original when you write poorly?
“Yea I know and that’s what makes it so funny” I stated bluntly
Needs to be 'he stated bluntly'
Learn to use commas more. Also you're going to have to explain why Shadowmere is an alicorn, because I currently see no reason for him not to just be a unicorn.
The part where his parents disowned him seems to unrealistic, if they were originally worried about him that much then it makes no sense for them to suddenly turn on him like that because of one incident beyond his control.
Alright... your mechanics are quite good actually, few commas missing but aside from that it was decent.
You don't need to have thoughts in quotations. Just make them italics and make the 'I thought to myself' non italic.
general.ca/site_general/g_pictures/30-300.jpg
This is a thickness planer. It is a very loud machine that is used to make sure that pieces of wood are the right thickness and are flat (when used with a jointer). Using it is called planing the wood.
Now: your OC.
Alicorn OCs are for the most part either Gary Stus or Mary Sues. Or else they use either their wings or magic for the most part and the other is just there for vanity or to get them out of a tight situation. Ask yourself: does it have to be an Alicorn. And does it have to be connected to darkness....
Seriously... alicorn who's connected to darkness and has nightmares... [sarcasm]wow the originality is off the charts[/sarcasm]
Changes of POV.
These things are really annoying. Try to keep it to one and only one. And your third person is a bit odd. For example.
We? That's first person.
I don't see what the problem is with an alicorn OC I just read it for the plot/story
GUYS WHAT IS THE PROBLEM WITH ALICORN OC'S ????????!!!!!!!!!
if u don't like it don't read it but please just don't down vote it because the OC is an alicorn
1544081
We don't dislike it because of the Mary Sue Alicorn OC. We dislike it because the story just plain sucks.
1543600
Did they take your hat back?
1544062 i agreee with you 100%
You know what, this one ain't so bad.
It's not GARY SUUUUUUUUUUUUEEEEEEEEEEEE TO THE RESCCUUUUUUUUEEEEEEEE-
There's at least an ATTEMPT at a balanced character, so I'll give you credit for that.
If you'll allow me to give you some advice- PLEASE- Don't be switching between third and first. Third person limited works just as well, and reads much smoother.
I think you have potential, personally. It's rough and unpolished, and it is never wise to try and do an Alicorn story as your first fanfic. It is tempting, cause I think it's the first idea that pops into every new writers heads, but that doesn't mean it's a GOOD idea. That said, this isn't horrible. This COULD turn out quite well, with a more experienced author writing it.
I hear the train-a coming...
Power issues aside, alicorns break show canon: there are 2 or 3 canon alicorns, and no more. Fans of the show LIKE the canon setting, so any new alicorn has an uphill struggle to gain fan acceptance. See: Princess Cadence.
And stick with first or third person, PLEASE. Unless you're having one character narrate a part of story to another, there's no valid reason to switch between them.
WITH THE POWER OF MY MOUSE, I clicked like for you and I never read it. Oh well, you need dem likes.
1544356
That's the sound of the train leaving, actually. You're late the party, bro.
1544391
Sympathy likes don't help anyone, man. If he's made a bad story, then the DVs are gonna come. Don't give him a like and expect it to do anything; help him improve instead.
Review, give tips, even offer your services as a proofreader and idea helper. Just don't leave a green thumb where it isn't earned.
1544081
Da genral problemz wit alicorn boyz iz dat dey get reely close ta bein a Sue; dey're so powaful an perfekt dat it ain't any fun ta read bout dem. So if ya gotz an alicorn as yer main characta, insteda az a background boy (loik Twily and Celly in da main show), yer alreddy in danga a makin yer boy a Sue.
1544417
files-cdn.formspring.me/photos/20120621/n4fe38fc36003a.jpg
1544417
Oh, I know some TW explorers have done their work here, but I was essentially 'calling' that this would be added to one of the TWE folders. Makes me look clever if I can predict it. Between inconsistent perspective and having an alicorn OC, I think it'll wind up there eventually.
Alicorn OC = BAD.
Dark Coat = BAD, (Trust me, my OC is like that, people hate me for it, they say "no pony in the show has a dark coat", my argument is ShadowLane)
General Zoi's pony creator for COVER ART, = BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD. It's okay if you're just wanting to let ponies know what your OC is like, then okay but if you're using it to show a story... just... NO! BAD!
As long as you don't have this pulling the Death Star laser out of his ass when shit be goin' down, I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt.
This story is just too vaguely detailed with its wording. Can't really get into it, what with the sentences sounding like they came out of some preschool book or something.
1544454
It'll get there eventually.
1544424
Figures.
This story sounds like it can become extremely well liked in a short amount of time. I liked it and got into it right away and though I read a lot that rarely happens. I hope you will continue this for a long time.
1544832
Well, oim ardly da best boy ta go to fer litritchure an all dat kunnin stuff... oim more da kina by dat chops prollems till dey stop bein prollems. Oi do moi best, do.
I'm happy to see that some people like my story. I'm also happy to be getting feedback. I expected that there would be a few grammatical errors, and I knew that I would get some hate for a black alicorn OC but personally I don't care. I have him like that for the simple reason that I want him to be that way. From what I can tell most people don't like the switch in perspective so I'll try to limit it as much as possible. I will say that there will be some points that he does seem overpowered but that's mostly when either Skies or the mane 6 are in danger. I don't do that too often though because I want it to be him just trying to live as normal a life as possible. From the look of the like/dislike bar it seems that about half the people like it and the other half don't probably because of the alicorn OC. So for those that do like it I am going to keep on writing and keep on posting.
~Black Light
Oh, hey, new profile pic... when'd that happen... also cool story. ... But you should probably go ahead and post a few more chapters. You have a large enough buffer if you get stuck.
*sigh* ok, first off, 2 things.
1.1543921 He used the name, and that's about it, get the fuck over it.
2.1544181 A prologue, one chapter, and a very loose description, ahh yes, i can see how you must know SOOO much about the story after reading all of that.
As far as the switching between 1st and 3rd i think he does it less in the future chapters, i'll have to double check though. or BL could just correct me if i'm wrong.
One last thing, if you're reading this, either,
A. you're just scrolling through the comments, in which case, Hi.
or
B. Intending to post a comment, and just happened read this on your way there.
and if the latter is the case, and you didn't like the story, i'm not going to tell you to keep it to yourself, that would be stupid and make me look like an ignorant asshole, but at the very least give some suggestions on how he can improve the story, or just say what you didn't like about it.
tl;dr;
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MaH4wFL7P8c
So, what if Plan B doesn't work? What's plan C? Chainsaw, or chaingun?
skipass.com/photos/news/13818/16932.jpg
teamdeadstop.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/gatling.jpg
1579431
If plan B. fails.....i think plan C. would be death?
-Shadow F.
1579562 Plan A is Avoid her if trying not to make her angry fails. Plan B is Begging for mercy. Plan C must begin with a C.
1579580
Cry himself to sleep?
-Shadow F.
1579593 ...You win this round. But what about Plan D? Dropship, or Daisho?
aliens.humlak.cz/aliens/aliens_papirove_modely/aliens_models/lv426/blueprints/hive/dropship-s1m.jpg
osunippon.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/daisho_111_1__545x249.jpg
1579604
Death? or is that too extreme?.....
Dragon attack?
Dragoniquess invasion?
Discord breaking free?
Should i really continue?
-Shadow F.
1579622 I'd appreciate it. I like to know what my options are.
1579636
I could get my dictionary if you wanted me to, but i'd rather not.......
Dagger to the throat?
Dog raid? (I have no idea what that even is)
Diamond dog's? (Anything to do with em')
Dive bombers?
Dramaqueens attack?
It's harder than it looks..
-Shadow F.
1579674 Ok, I'll try and come up with a few.
Divine Intervention
Diarrhoea (Sorry, had to be said.)
Donkey Kong
Depression
Deadly Super Virus
Dawn of the Dumbasses
Drinking Contest
1579688
-Shadow F.
We mave too much spare time......
1579717 Yes. Yes we do. Oh, may I ask why you sign your comments Shadow F, if it's not prying that is.
1579745
It's fine. Me and Ember share this account, and well....We make it clear who makes which comment, why i'm not too sure, but we do...
Still need to change the acc name
-Shadow Flare.
1579842 ah, cool. I salute you both, good sirs!
1579854
Sir's.....isn't the correct wording, i'm afraid..
Ember is a she
-Shadow Flare
1579995 Ah. That's the second time tonight I've made that mistake. Ask TwiLunaLover. She'll confirm it.
1580013
It is fine, i don't think she'll take offsense (Or find out about this conversation while we're at it)
-Shadow Flare
1580024 Ok. But to both of you good sir and madam, I offer a pic of the NCIS team. Because NCIS is cool. Not just because my dad was a naval officer.
stars.udn.com/starimages/slide/170029/M_170032-02.jpg
1580043
Thank you for the photo (Even if it is random, and kinda out of context)
-Shades Flare
1580078 OH, forgot we weren't on Plan N yet...