Oh, Helicity!

In the early morning hours a shivering, dusky-tan Earth Pony cantered down the hallway of the Trottinger Flight Center. She clutched a scroll with the latest weather observations in her mouth, either the last of the evening or the first of the morning – it was not quite early enough to be the one, but not quite late enough to be the other. To the mare, though, there really was no distinction. Espresso was working the overnight shift, and the pot of triple-strength Paneighmanian coffee she had just finished off meant that sleep would be no more than a wishful notion for hours to come. Her deep brown mane was still sparkling with snow, left over from venturing out on the ponywalk beneath the beacon to mark down the weather readings, and she was hurrying along to warm herself up.

As Espresso passed one door, however, her ear flicked to the side and she came to a sudden stop, forehooves skidding on the tile floor. The door was labeled with a faded piece of cardboard that proclaimed "PILOT LOWNGE" in a rough, misspelled scrawl, and from behind it came a low, happy whickering. Glancing up and down the hallway, Espresso stepped sideways and pressed an ear to the door. There was more whickering and a rustling sound that could only be a sheet moving. Her eyebrows arched in confusion – the rustling went on for too long to simply be somepony rolling over on a cot. She wondered what could cause the room’s only occupant, a young stallion, to be so restless. With a jolt, the obvious answer came to her and she shuddered involuntarily. What in Luna's name is Featherprop... oooh, I’ll pluck him bare if he’s doing what I think he is! Her eyes narrowed and her muzzle screwed up in disgust, then broadened into a devious grin. But if I catch him in the act, he'll never live it down! This was a golden opportunity, a chance to gain the upper hoof once and for all, and the mare was not going to let it slip away.

Espresso quietly set the scroll on the floor and with swift, silent hoofsteps, trotted down the hall and turned out the lights. Coming back, she crept up to the door, listening to make sure she hadn't alerted her quarry. The rustling continued, punctuated by the occasional soft snort. Carefully, ever so slowly, she turned the door’s handle and slunk in, carefully lifting her hooves and softly planting them on the threadbare rug.

On a cot against the far wall, a tousled brown mane and unkempt tail poked out from opposite ends of a very rumpled sheet, the center of which was still being ruffled from underneath. No hooves were in sight, but that was exactly what she had expected. He really has no shame... this is a workplace, not his personal bunk to... to... She grimaced and snorted in disgust. I swear, he's going to scrub every inch of this place by the time I'm done with him!

Standing next to the cot, Espresso loomed over her colleague, both anticipating and dreading what she was sure she would see. She opened her muzzle, preparing to make a triumphant exclamation, but froze mid-gloat as she noticed both of Featherprop’s forehooves gripping the sheet under his light cream chin. Wait, then how... eeeww, with his WINGS? She recoiled as her mind invented new a new and decidedly lewd use for Pegasi anatomy. But those appendages, despite their twitching and fluttering, were only beating against the blanket behind his back. With a puzzled look, the mare stopped to consider the situation. Did he hear me come in? She doubted it; the stallion’s breathing came in a soft, steady rhythm that seemed too deep and even to be faked.

Next to the stallion's muzzle lay a book, and for a moment her grin returned as she prepared to wake him with a victorious shout, but then she caught sight of the book’s title: "Strategy and Structure, A Study of Storm Vortex Construction." Leaning over him, she carefully opened the book’s cover and found that it was indeed a book about clouds, with no extra ‘study materials’ hidden inside. She frowned, sat back on her haunches, and looked over the sleeping Pegasus with a critical eye. As she watched, he shivered and softly mumbled "Helicity..."

At the sound of that word, Espresso blushed and gave up. Catching Featherprop in the middle of... well, whatever she thought he'd been doing would have been like winning a pile of bits in Las Pegasus, and she could have used it against him for months. With a story like that, she could have put an end to his constant teasing about her coffee, though truth be told, whenever he was around she could never leave a fresh pot unattended; he would swoop in moment she turned her back and it would disappear down his throat. No more subscriptions to Instant Coffee of the Month; no more fake coffee cake recipes with no coffee in them! Ooooh, and no more of that hateful chicory from Ponusiana being dumped in my blends!

But without any misbehavior to hold over his head, waking the stallion up was out of the question. That wasn't fair, and it wasn't how the game that had evolved between them was played. Despite his love of foalish pranks, Featherprop had never damaged Service equipment or cost the Station bits, and she never disturbed his rest, because an emergency call could come in at any time.

Both of them, however, considered playtime fair game. And to Espresso’s mind, that went double for inappropriate playtime – that was just asking to get caught. And punished, she grinned to herself As indignant as she had felt before, she now sighed with disappointment and a touch of shame. Look at me, hoping to catch him in the act, just to relieve some boredom. Oh, but it would have been hilarious, and he certainly deserves it!

She smiled primly, thinking that perhaps in the future it would be profitable to seed the field – she happened to know of a nondescript box tucked away underneath her younger brother’s bed, and she knew exactly what sort of magazines were inside it. Who's to say how some copies might happen to turn up in somepony's bunk? I mean, it's not entrapment if he picks them up and looks, now is it?

It is in the quiet moments of contemplation, while hovering over the sleeping form of an implacable foe, that the most genius of evil minds hatches their most dastardly plans: This is how his world will end, not with a bang, but a PlayPony. Stifling a snort, Espresso shook herself from her fiendish reverie.

The sleeping Pegasus whinnied softly in his sleep again, and she rolled her eyes as she silently retreated, hooves once again feather-stepping backwards of their own accord, her tail flicking left and right to feel for obstacles. How can anypony dream about clouds so much? Once in the hall, she closed the door and fumbled in the half-dark for her scroll, then walked down the hall to the office, her mind on filing and straightening up and perhaps making a cup of coffee. No, Espresso, let’s be honest. Another pot.

Back in the room, one of the sleeping stallion's wings sprang to attention as the tempo of his breathing increased, his nostrils flaring. Featherprop burst into a wild-eyed wakefulness that soon softened to a half-sleepy, half-sated look. Finding himself entangled in the sheet, he rolled and kicked until he was mostly free of it. His still-stiff wing kept getting wrapped in the sheet, but eventually he struggled to his haunches. As reality seeped back into his dream-addled brain, the Pegasus realized the scandalous state of his wing and vainly tried to force it to relax and fold back against his side. It was only when the battle was half-won that he noticed his other wing had also stiffened and was sticking straight out. He gave up and let out a contented sigh, before the clip-clop of Espresso's hooves rounding the last corner to her office caused him to glance furtively at the door.

Featherprop felt a surge of anxiety at the echoing sound, which instantly dowsed his wings' nocturnal excitement. As he apprehensively listened, the expressive appendages limpened and settled back against him, ruffling and twitching to arrange themselves in some semblance of order. Keeping his eyes locked on the door, Featherprop cautiously reached a hoof out and patted about the cot, finally touching the book. Snatching it up, he whirled towards the wall and hunched over, his wings unconsciously arching over him to form a protective shroud. The brown Pegasus frantically flipped through the pages until he came across a decidedly non-weather-related photo.

It was a glamour shot of a mare, voluptuously sprawled out and holding strategically-positioned weather kite, a coy smile on her slate-colored muzzle, her wings langorously stretched out behind her. As a sigh of relief escaped his lips, Featherprop’s harried look melted into a silly grin, and he flipped the photo over to re-re-read the inscription:

For my favorite undergrad: Don't think I can't see

your feathers sticking up in the back row. You should

be studying clouds in class, not me!

Your favorite TA (and don't deny it,

your big wings betray you every time!)

Tucking the photo back in the book, Featherprop sheepishly rubbed his mane and gave several powerful beats of his wings to lift himself to his hooves. The yawning stallion padded to the small bathstall, Stretching his limbs as he went, where he wet a washcloth and proceeded to rub down his coat, trying to remove the now-chilled perspiration that was all he had left of his dream. He grinned, Well, most of what's left, as he savored one of the snippets of the slumbrous events that were still floating in his head.

Exiting the tiny stall took a bit more work, as his wings had decided to once again express themselves freely. It took several minutes of twisting, preening, and a few self-spiteful nips to get them under control. Eventually, though, Featherprop toppled back onto the cot and hoofed the sheet over himself. Flopping back and forth a couple times to settle in, he thought, Thank Luna Espresso isn't here to see this!

As drowsiness began to drag him back down, he tried to arrange the fragments of his dream into a sequence that would come to life again. Once more into the breech, my little friend... His wings began to rustle and he snickered as suggestive thoughts put a smile on his muzzle and made him, once again, blissfully say,

"Oh, Helicity!"

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Comments ( 28 )

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Featherprop

Featherprop #1 · Oct 21st, 2012 · · ·

I'm really curious what people don't like about this- if anyone else give it a thumbs-down, can you drop a note and let me know?

Or, if you give it a thumbs-up, let me know what you liked?

Or tell me what kind of tomato you like- I'd just like to get some feedback!

Mask

Mask #2 · Oct 21st, 2012 · 1 · ·

Interesting. Loved the idea behind this. ^^

As for feedback... I dislike tomatoes, and coincidentally my OCs name is Felicity...

How's that for feedback?

Featherprop

Featherprop #3 · Oct 21st, 2012 · · ·

1481299

As Tony would say, "It's... FEEDBACK!"

Seriously though, thanks- it's good to know someone liked it!

Mask

Mask #4 · Oct 21st, 2012 · · ·

1481398

No problem, just glad to make someone happy by doing something that hardly takes long at all. ^^

Womboman666

Womboman666 #5 · Oct 22nd, 2012 · 1 · ·

"PILOT LOWNGE"

Not sure if you're trying to be cute but if you're not, it's spelled "lounge"

Espresso laid her papers on the floor and with surprisingly swift and silent hooves trotted down the hall and extinguished the lights.

I'd a comma in between "Hooves" and "Trotted". Run on sentences can be confusing if punctuation isn't used correctly. If you're a curious as to whether your sentences are too long say it to yourself the way you want people to read it and try to notice where you pause and repeat the sentence, if you still notice the pause then toss in a comma.

Your first paragraph doesn't have an indentation, whether you did that on purpose or not I'm not sure, but it doesn't match the pattern of the other paragraphs.

I'm not trying to make you feel like a shitty writer, so I'm sorry if I came off like a dick, I'm only trying to offer constructive criticism to help you progress further as a fanfic writer.

Featherprop

Featherprop #6 · Oct 22nd, 2012 · · ·

1484734

Nope, your commments are greatly appreciated! The spelling error is intentional; as I envision it, the sign was crudely made, an afterthought of a sign for an afterthought of a crew rest facility.

I did not notice the indent error- I usually write without indents, but FiMFiction seems to like adding them. I'll correct it, thank you!

As for the run-on sentence you highlighted, I'll agree that there's at least one extra conjunction in there. Personally I'd rather replace the last "and" with "to" and alter the tense on "extinguished," like this: "Espresso laid her papers on the floor and with surprisingly swift and silent hooves trotted down the hall to extinguish the lights." A comma between "hooves" and "trotted" would leave the middle adjectives with no action to describe, so it would be even more awkward. Or perhaps a semicolon after "on the floor" would work better, though that interrupts the flow too much for my taste.

I disagree with the general concept that shorter, more direct sentences are better. Most of the great literature I have read features sentences that are long, complex, and frequently break the rules that I believe make a fair percentage of modern writing choppy and boring. I won't say people are WRONG to write more directly, but I find it more enjoyable to both read and construct sentences that ramble slightly. Not only do they make it easier to express more complex ideas, they also let you create a more distinctive style.

And no worries, your comments are not dick-ish in the least. Thanks for catching the errors!

Womboman666

Womboman666 #7 · Oct 23rd, 2012 · · ·

1484899
You're welcome

arandompenguin

arandompenguin #8 · Nov 2nd, 2012 · 1 · ·

First Impressions
Okay, let's start with the title. I first assumed you were referring to magnetic helicity, though I assume the name is a reference to the fluid mechanics description. It's a hard thing with titles and names (especially with ponies, where everyone is named after something real), to use an OC name, and actually have the reader know it is an OC's name. And I think, with you, it only becomes apparent as being a name right at the very end of the story. I'm not sure if that is intended or not, if it is then I think you succeeded. As for the cover image, that would not be my first choice. I spent the entirety of my reading wondering why I still hadn't seen any mention of a large loaf of bread. I would recommend changing that if possible. However, the picture does draw the reader into thinking that they know what the 'punchline' will be, so perhaps have something that pertains to this story more, but still doesn't give much away. And then there is the description of the story, I personally like it. It is short and to the point, yet it manages to hint at the events without giving it away. That's something important if you're trying to write a comedy, getting in those subtle hints that lead the readers in various directions of thought.

Now the actual text, starting with the characters. There is not much in the way of backstory to the characters, and the descriptions only go surface deep. However, since in the description you mention that this is part of a larger tale, this is mostly okay. Since they are OCs, I can't really judge on their dialogue, since they can have whatever dialogue you want, plus, only one of them actually does anything in the way of dialogue so I can't decide if they all speak the same. Once again though, I assume this is just meant to be a short, comedic side-story to a larger tale, and thus doesn't really require that much dialogue. In fact, I think this story does well without dialogue. But you seem overly-verbose at times. This is fine if you keep that level of vocabulary throughout, but since it sort of fluxuates throughout the story, I would recommend toning it down a little. As for the actual comedic side of things, the 'punchline' of sorts got sort of lost in the rest of the story. Even though it does come at the end of the piece, it is mostly swamped in other, mostly unnecessary, descriptions. You seem to write like you're going to have a long story, as opposed to this 1000 words or so one-shot. I assume this is once again due to the fact that you mention that this is part of a larger story. It's sometimes hard for people who mostly write longer stories to write one-shots, I know I sometimes have problems with that, so you should probably learn to adapt to the two different writing styles. As for the grammar and spelling seems mostly alright, I spotted a few mistakes here and there, but nothing too major.

Overall, this story gives off a fairly good first impressions. You could have done with a few more hooks to draw the reader into continuing through to the end, but mostly it seemed good. I reckon your biggest downfalls would be the unnecessary descriptions and that cover image. Though on the whole, the story seems to have a good plotline and the characters seem interesting, though perhaps more suited to a longer story. I hope this helped.
Dan - First Impressions Reviewer

Featherprop

Featherprop #9 · Nov 2nd, 2012 · · ·

1549405

Thanks for the comments, I really appreciate the input!

The cover image was about the best I could find for a 'sleeping Pony', and I have to admit I found the lack of bread in the story to be a slight joke, albeit unintentional.

Actually, the helicity named refers to that inside a convective storm- hence the book about storm construction. The story actually began as something I wrote for my wife, but she wanted me to post it up, so up it went.

At the time I wrote this, the character of the... characters had not been well-defined. This actually turned into a good exercise in adding layers to their relationship, as it gave me ideas for a direction to move in on something that had been pretty bland to that point.

Verbosity, well, I had to find a way to bump a short story over the 1000 word mark, so i got descriptive... and got a little carried away. I was hoping it wouldn't put people off, but I can see how it's spread pretty thick in some places. What I'm finding is that when I need to be creating action and moving a plot along, I'm getting more enjoyment from creating and defining the world, and I think that shows here as well.

This is the first piece of creative writing I've done in about 20 years, so I'm pleased it came out middling well. I'm grateful for the time you took to read this and the thoughtful critique you've provided- it's good motivation and a useful outside view of what my writing looks like. Thanks again!

arandompenguin

arandompenguin #10 · Nov 2nd, 2012 · · ·

1550661 No problem! I'm glad to help.

Pick-Six

Pick-Six #11 · Jan 3rd, 2013 · 1 · ·

This made me laugh my ass off:

Once more into the breech, my little friend...

I honest to god hope that your spelling was intentional, because otherwise I have a dirty, dirty mind.

This is a nice side story, giving us a glimpse into the routines of your OCs. I think this story will be appreciated more once the main story kicks off, and this story can help provide a comparison to how the Characters act in that story.

Kudos, my friend.

Featherprop

Featherprop #12 · Jan 4th, 2013 · · ·

1897917

Thanks for reading through! I assure you, I put a fair bit of thought into that wording, and it warms my devious little heart that you had to ponder that. That said, it's entirely possible that you DO have a dirty mind, but that's okay- it makes reading more fun!.

I think you're right- there will be a fair bit of difference between the characters here and at the end of the story, but I hope it's not so much that this can't stand with it. Especially with the direction the main story seems to be going, I miss the lighthearted tone this was formed around. I've got a couple other ideas that might capture it, if I ever find time to beat them into a readable form.

Thanks for taking the time to comment- it really means a lot to me.

Helicity

Helicity #13 · Jan 20th, 2013 · · ·

I see. I am equivalent to a loaf of bread. *loafs up*

Featherprop

Featherprop #14 · Jan 20th, 2013 · 1 · ·

1988886

I think Frankenstein on "As World Turn" said it best... "HRRRNNNGGGGG, BREAAAAD GOOOOOODDD"

But you know, if you're not happy with that image... ;)

Helicity

Helicity #15 · Jan 20th, 2013 · 1 · ·

Oh, no... I think it suits me just fine. If you are what you eat, then surely I am a giant loaf of carbs.

Protocol

Protocol #16 · Jan 28th, 2013 · 1 · ·

This review is brought to you by the group Authors Helping Authors.

General:
You had a nice idea, and wrote it out pretty decently. I don't get some of the background information and references, but I'll pass that by since this is a side story.

Grammar Score:
9/10. I'm fairly happy with most things, except for the recurring issue of the run-on sentences.

Pros:
- Vivid descriptions was the first thing that came to mind. When you try to tell readers what something looks, sounds, or feels like, you do a great job at it. You just need to know where to describe things and where to stop. Minor details like the number of veins visible in a leaf are not necessary, and do more to distract the readers than to add to the story.
- You have a wide vocabulary. You know a variety of words - what they mean, and to a fairly decent extent, how to use them. It shows that you have been doing some reading of your own, and you have potential as a writer. HOWEVER, be aware that flaunting big words is detrimental to how smoothly your story flows and how natural it feels when people read it. If you can just find the fine line between not enough and too much, I'm certain that you will become a fantastic writer, maybe better than me (not that I'm anything special).
- Your characters feel real to me. You know the exact personalities of all your characters, and how to implement that in writing. You have the ability to portray emotion, and thoughts like second nature. This is one area you don't need to worry about too much, although there's always room for improvement if you compare yourself to someone more talented at something.

Cons:
- The first thing I noticed was something I've been seeing a lot on this site: overuse of complex words, a mistake that many new authors make in actually trying to improve their writing. Here's the thing. Most of the time, simpler, everyday words used in daily conversations with friends work so much better than some complicated sounding word whose usage was discontinued in the 17th century. Do you know why? The answer is simple - It flows well. Read the little note I put at the bottom. It'll help, I promise.
- It took me a while to read through this. Over 5 minutes spent reading less than 1500 words. There were great hooks that you wrote in, several, in fact, but the connection just seemed too stale and drawn out. I suppose this and the previous point I mentioned are the reason for most, if not all of your dislikes. These are your main points of imperfection.
- I like your usage of similes of Damocles and Judas, but they could have been done better. Especially for a less-widely known idea as the sword of Damocles, you need to provide a description of what it is. The same goes for famous similes if you want your writing to come to life. Use other literary devices, and explain upon them by showing what you mean.

Notes:
Aside from the misspelling of "whicker" as "wicker", I'm not going to go off pointing mistakes and things that could be fixed. This is, after all, your own writing. It wouldn't be the same if someone came along and changed the wording, even if it was for the better. At least, that's how I see it. So, I'm going to offer you some advice. Advice I have offered countless times before to friends in real life, and on fimfiction - Read over your writing. Out loud. Slowly, with emotion, pronouncing every single word the way it was spelled and written. Treat the passages as narratives, conveying all of the feelings that can be felt just from reading it, not from your vision as a writer. What this does is it helps you see things from the readers' perspectives. I know it's extremely difficult to be critical of your own writing, coming from personal experience. This process shows you what the readers are getting from your writing, and more importantly, it gives you a detailed view of the flow your writing has. You'll be able to see where the dialogue seems natural, where the descriptions could use more substance, and where plot holes are left unexplained with unimportant events.

Bottom line: Make it flow smoothly and naturally.

With that, I bid you adieu.
Black Lightning

ZeAsianAcolyte

ZeAsianAcolyte #17 · Jan 28th, 2013 · 1 · ·

Well, I believe I owe you a review...

This review has been brought to you on the behalf of Author's Helping Authors

Name of Story: Oh, Helicity!
Spelling And Grammar: 8/10 for miscellaneous spelling errors, missed punctuation, a couple of missed words, and for me that awkward intro to the second paragraph (this, of course, may just be me, given I have an issue with mismatched tenses as you noted). None of this hindered reading the fic.

Pros:
-Laughing my ass off for a good number of sections, namely the ending and Espresso's thought interjections
-Characterized both ponies pretty well despite this being a sidefic
-Dialogue very conversational

Cons:
-There were a lot of parentheses and interruptions, somewhat inhibiting the flow of the story (I imagine this was mostly to give the necessary characterization since this is a sidefic)
-Though there was flow between the narrator speaking and the characters' thoughts, the two coincided in places where either the narrator or the character could be thinking- this is most evident where Espresso is wondering what to do with her... findings.
-The last paragraph... bugged me, mainly because Featherprop's thought interjections (which also coincided with the narrator a bunch) seemed out of place and somewhat awkward. Personally, I would have used dashes (-) for these interruptions because it was easy to lose track of who was saying/thinking what.

Notes/Comments:
In terms of helping your fic, I would suggest a proofreader (no offense to yours if you do have one already). Most of the punctuation errors were missed periods with the proper amount of spaces, and that last paragraph.

If I said I didn't enjoy this I would be lying out of my ass. I like the coworker bond you've portrayed between the Espresso and Featherprop (both appropriately named, btw) and I look forward to reading the main fic when it comes out! I particularly enjoy the thought interjections- they were well written and for the most part, well placed. Overall, I enjoy your writing style and characters and look forward to seeing more!
[thumbs up] [follow]

And please, don't be scared by the "Cons" section. I'm terrible at conveying thoughts with brevity.

Featherprop

Featherprop #18 · Jan 28th, 2013 · · ·

2034634

Thank you for taking the time to look this over and offer such a comprehensive critique! To be perfectly honest, this ended up being sort of a vanity piece- I got far too involved in trying to make the writing complex and lost the readability. In the time since I have indeed toned down the language and worked to create a better flow.

Reading through objectively, I'd say your critique is spot-on. When the time comes to rewrite this I will definitely be referring back to what you've written. Thanks again for taking the time to give it a run-through and help me out!

Featherprop

Featherprop #19 · Jan 28th, 2013 · · ·

2034977

Ze, you're absolutely correct about the spelling. I printed this out a week ago and finally looked at the sheet, and it's amazing how much i missed when I posted it.

I appreciate your input on the voicing, and I'll take a critical look at that. As for a proofreader... well, no offense taken, because it was self-proofed. That shows, too. I've learned the lesson there and recruited some people to help with the main story (which is moving about as fast as Sombra could say "Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers..."), so I hope it won't be as atrocious. One thing I will politely disagree on is double-spacing between sentences. I learned to type on a Selectric, and despite what some fancy typographer says, I find it easier to identify the beginning and end of a sentence with that larger gap. Since it's considered acceptable by the MLA as long as it's consistent, I try to keep the double-spacing, but only because I'm a stubborn fool. The point about being inconsistent stands, and I will work to correct that!

I am really glad it made you laugh- I wanted it to be a fun interaction, even if it is one-sided. Thanks so much for the like, and for taking the time to go over this and offer up some very good advice. As I said to Black Lightning, I'll be coming back to your words when I re-edit this!

ZeAsianAcolyte

ZeAsianAcolyte #20 · Jan 29th, 2013 · 1 · ·

2037378

The spacing thing isn't actually what I meant; in fact the double spacing helped a lot. The problem I was addressing was the omission and lack of a period entirely; your spacing and capitalization made the reading over it almost seamless, but the period just isn't there.

Featherprop