You know, not ten minutes ago, I was looking through some HiE fics and I came across this story. I thought to myself, "It's a damn shame that this has not been updated in forever." Then I get an e-mail and lo and behold... There it was... Thank you sir, thank you for making my day.
Nice to see another chapter. Still I wish you wrote less flashbacks and more content in the present. It was getting so bad I basically glazed my eyes over and just skipped past it all till I hit non-italics text.
I was just about 2 read the story from the beginning while I wait for this but WULA! *ahem* only but perfect planning on my part I totally ment 2 do that ( sarcasm for u seriousness peeps out their, hmmm peeps, nope still disgusting).
Coming back to TMM it's quite amazing how many HiE pitfalls this story has completely bypassed and just how fresh this story feels. Not to mention you handled the dreaded reunion scene with practically no hiccups when most writers completely botch it in the most spectacular ways imaginable. If this is you rusty then most other fim fiction writers need to get their shit together
hell I feel the some way I was going to call it a night then I saw you update and that was a hour a go so in a nutshell out standing work and keep it coming
AWW YEAH! After reading so many stories where Celestia was either being a pain in the flank or a villain-manipulated minion... It's nice to read a story where she gets some good.
3894855 Sadly I have to agree with this, the flashback took up WAY too much of this chapter considering the present events leading into this chapter. It either needed the present scene to have been longer, or for less time to have been spent on the flashback, it was poorly balanced. I don't want to call this chapter a disappointment, but that one factor was extremely so. Still they're past the issues now, so hopefully we'll get some solid progression next chapter.
Also, overplaying the niche of Cadance the Matchmaker much? Saw that coming from a mile away.
I'm torn. I'm really happy to see a new chapter, and I have no complaints about the events covered, but after reading about that armpit wound, I'm feeling phantom pains.
One of the few shining examples of HiE on this site, so I'm glad you haven't let it go. 'Course, I feel like the last two chapters have circled each other a bit and not much was resolved. I guess confirmation that Anon McAnonson and Celestia are still together is great news, but that was only one of about a dozen loose ends you haven't tied up.
Ladies and gentlemen, get your flames and downvote button ready, because I'm about to disagree with popular opinion, and criticise many of you for a lack of standards.
First, ScatMan: as an author you're entitled to write what you want, when you want. That's an author's privilege, and you don't owe anyone anything. However, going so long between updates is probably detrimental to your story, and it's certainly going to frustrate people when they seem to be repeatedly promised. If I recall correctly, you were aiming for one around late November, and constantly hinted that the next chapter would be along soon for around 2 months. A regular update schedule is going to be far less frustrating for readers, even if it's 3 months between them, rather than abusing "soon" (TM) more than Blizzard.
Anyway, time for me to tell you what's wrong with the story.
The past two chapters have done very little to advance the plot in any way, causing the story to come screeching to a halt while large flashbacks are delivered. And to make this worse, you've had a very long gap between updates, so you're looking at something like over half a year (by the time the next chapter probably will come out) between it moving forwards. That is a long length of time.
The actual conflict between him and Celestia is hardly resolved either. Sure, you're not going to have a long discussion with someone barely conscious from being drugged up and severely injured, but those issues are still there. Not forgetting the unrealistic lack of communication.
Look, if you're in a relationship with the love of your life and you have an argument, you are not going to not speak to them for weeks at a time. Even if you're a military man who argued just before deployment, you're going to call/email them when you get a chance and have calmed down. Or a letter in this case. Failing to do this wouldn't leave any doubt that the relationship is over. This also goes both ways. You're going to have communication lines, so it'd definitely be possible for Celestia to get a message to him as well. Especially considering that whole "I rule this country" thing.
The protagonist failing to clarify the status of his own relationship is utterly stupid and unbelievable. That's not "is this a breakup?", that's a fucking breakup. If you want to write a romance story well, you need to understand relationship dynamics, and this is basic stuff.
One of the main plot points of the story -- the Griffon war -- is a classic example of telling, not showing. There's no real build up, it just comes out of nowhere. This not only bad form, but also seems highly unrealistic that the protagonist wouldn't have picked up on Celestia's stress, or that she wouldn't have confided anything in him. Instead it's glossed over after the event as having been on a day he was ill. Incidentally, a human protagonist would be immune to native diseases given that it's a completely different planet (and vice versa).
You could have built this up far better, and possibly even hinted at Celestia being overly protective and or abusing her position slightly. For example, making sure someone other than her beloved was sent to investigate an outpost or something. Instead it feels bolted on, because hey we need some conflict.
You've got a virginal and highly inexperienced several thousand year old princess (until she meets the protagonist), which is frankly ridiculous. There are a handful of cases where this could just about be believed if Celestia was still reasonably young when Luna was banished or something, but it would have to be very well justified.
Look, repeat this back to yourself: princess with needs. Thousands of years without getting laid. No daliances or anything.
Shortly after this story first went up, I told you that you needed to work on your prose. Unfortunately I don't think you've developed on this because it still feels highly fragmented.
Someone above stated that this fic avoids the pitfalls of HiE. I call bullshit on that. You don't have an emo 16 year old protagonist who screws all the Mane 6 moments after getting there, but you still have an (implied) misanthropic protagonist:
“Thanks. Y’know, humans are really nice.” He quietly adds, “Even if you say weird shit all the time.” “Woah!” you say, addressing his first statement. “Don’t go that far. Let’s just say that I’m a nice human.” Your voice drops. “Most humans suck.” - Chapter 2
You also have Cadance trying to ship what is (to her) a complete stranger with Celestia, and when the protagonist himself is barely more than one to Celestia this point. It's not quite as straight as normal, but it's still pretty cliche.
There's also a bunch of minor things, like an officer fraternizing with those under his command, a huge miliary no-no. OOC behaviour from Celestia, with speech patterns that don't fit, and so on. It all adds up.
Christ this is getting far too long.
TMM is not a bad story by any stretch of the imagination. It is however, an average at best story with potential in it to be a good story, but so far there are many things holding it back. And certainly it doesn't deserve the ridiculous praise it gets at times, as if it's Jesus in fanfic form.
The question is this: do you want to become a good author who can write a good story? Or do you want a bunch of fanboys who wouldn't know a damn thing about a well-written story to mindlessly sing your praises because "Celestia is MAI WAIFU"?
Great chapter! If I have to say something bad about the chapter it is that it ended and now I'll have to wait.
I like the flashbacks a lot and while it was longer than the present part I really don't mind. I like them and I hope that you keep writing them just like before. I guess that you have read Sophistication and Betrayal since that story tells the past exactly the same way.
Oh and before I forget, you named the political advisor as Nuisance.
Even if I don't agree completely with your criticism it is not opinions that I have problems but how you represent them. You gave constructive criticism right way and you'll have upvote from me just for that.
Blunt, honest and (now that I think about it) correct in some aspects.
Have an upvote!
This is not to say I dislike the story, on the contrary, I love it! There's just something about it that makes me feel all giddy whenever I re-read it for the hundreth time.
Hopefully he'll update it quicker than he did before, though given the length of time between them, I doubt it.
Don't get me wrong, I'm very glad this is still alive. But it also feels like barely anything has passed lately the way the chapters had gone.
I liked Cadance basically outright shipping them. I mean, sure, I suppose she can sense true love and stuff. Still not making it less weird she's trying to ship her aunt with a random stranger they barely know much about at that point.
And while backstory is also important, the flashback was like half the chapter. So again, it feels like the plot is barely going forward.
Like I said, don't get me wrong. I still enjoyed the chapter, and the story in general. I just hope the next chapter isn't too far away.
Good chapter, but I found something you may want to edit.
“It still does not appear that you have entirely gotten used to being here,” she observes, looking at you before looking ahead of her agian. She smiles.
You know, not ten minutes ago, I was looking through some HiE fics and I came across this story. I thought to myself, "It's a damn shame that this has not been updated in forever." Then I get an e-mail and lo and behold... There it was... Thank you sir, thank you for making my day.
Nice to see another chapter. Still I wish you wrote less flashbacks and more content in the present. It was getting so bad I basically glazed my eyes over and just skipped past it all till I hit non-italics text.
Amazing!!! I'm glad Celestia and "I" are still together. You say your rusty, I say you haven't lost a step.
Dis good~
you're not bad for being "rusty"
glad to have this story back
Haha good to see this update. I'm a bit sad that I didn't get to hear about the battle yet, but I can certainly wait.
Real good to see you back.
Huzzah! Another chapter!
Huzzah! Updates all around! Good to see this story is starting back up again. Man I can't get enough of your writing!
i love it! Good to see a new chapter! cant wait for the next
I was just about 2 read the story from the beginning while I wait for this but WULA! *ahem* only but perfect planning on my part I totally ment 2 do that ( sarcasm for u seriousness peeps out their, hmmm peeps, nope still disgusting).
Coming back to TMM it's quite amazing how many HiE pitfalls this story has completely bypassed and just how fresh this story feels. Not to mention you handled the dreaded reunion scene with practically no hiccups when most writers completely botch it in the most spectacular ways imaginable. If this is you rusty then most other fim fiction writers need to get their shit together
I assume either "do not" or "cannot" shouldn't be in this sentence, as I'm pretty sure our world doesn't have talking ponies.
Sweet story I can't wait for the next chapter. Keep up the good work.
hell I feel the some way I was going to call it a night then I saw you update and that was a hour a go so in a nutshell out standing work and keep it coming
Hmm...
OH THANK THE GLORIOUS EMPEROR!!!
THIS IS ALIVE!!!
I PREYED, CHANTED THE MANTRAS, PREFORMED THE DARK RITUALS AND SACRIFICED SO MANY ANIMALS BUT NOTHING WAS WORKING!!!
finally...I can rest...and wait for the next one.
AWW YEAH! After reading so many stories where Celestia was either being a pain in the flank or a villain-manipulated minion... It's nice to read a story where she gets some good.
Omg Its alive!
eghmagerd,wat did u doooo,CEIDENCE???
TMM updated?
I'm very excited!
I like that commitment.
And it's back to the waiting game while Scat writes the next chapter
All I can say is TY for keeping this store alive and kicking I am so looking forward to the next chapter.
finally an update, it's been to long, and cadance you sneaky princess trying to get celestia to date the human
3894855
Sadly I have to agree with this, the flashback took up WAY too much of this chapter considering the present events leading into this chapter. It either needed the present scene to have been longer, or for less time to have been spent on the flashback, it was poorly balanced. I don't want to call this chapter a disappointment, but that one factor was extremely so. Still they're past the issues now, so hopefully we'll get some solid progression next chapter.
Also, overplaying the niche of Cadance the Matchmaker much? Saw that coming from a mile away.
I'm torn. I'm really happy to see a new chapter, and I have no complaints about the events covered, but after reading about that armpit wound, I'm feeling phantom pains.
One of the few shining examples of HiE on this site, so I'm glad you haven't let it go. 'Course, I feel like the last two chapters have circled each other a bit and not much was resolved. I guess confirmation that Anon McAnonson and Celestia are still together is great news, but that was only one of about a dozen loose ends you haven't tied up.
The beautiful orchestral music was going off in my head when they kissed...is it normal that I love this story to tears?
static3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130306110061/video-game-championship-wrestling/images/9/94/Daniel_Bryan_YES.gif
Did a double take when I saw this. Nearly spilled my coffee.
D'aaaaaaaaaaaw
"Why this doesn't update!? God I hate this!"
*sees update*
*reads chapter*
...
You magnificent bastard!
Yay!
Good chapter, though I'd recommend shortening the length of the 'past scenes'.
It takes up almost all of the chapter, and leaves little room for the actual romance. Though that's just my opinion, do what you like
Right then, gimme a min to sort out my timetable...okay, next chapter booked in about half a year!
Fun, guess it's time to re-read fifty times...again
Cadence...I know you are the Princess of love but dang back up girl.
You just made my day. Great chapter.
...I LIKED THE IDEA OF HIM FAKE DIEING SO CELESTIA FEELS BAD AND I WANTED HIM TO TALK ABOUT THE STALLION XD
3895803 You...-_- Again wtf
I don't get it, what its the press will do injure pictures of him? Seriously its just one soldier injure what else its there to say?
Ladies and gentlemen, get your flames and downvote button ready, because I'm about to disagree with popular opinion, and criticise many of you for a lack of standards.
First, ScatMan: as an author you're entitled to write what you want, when you want. That's an author's privilege, and you don't owe anyone anything. However, going so long between updates is probably detrimental to your story, and it's certainly going to frustrate people when they seem to be repeatedly promised. If I recall correctly, you were aiming for one around late November, and constantly hinted that the next chapter would be along soon for around 2 months. A regular update schedule is going to be far less frustrating for readers, even if it's 3 months between them, rather than abusing "soon" (TM) more than Blizzard.
Anyway, time for me to tell you what's wrong with the story.
The past two chapters have done very little to advance the plot in any way, causing the story to come screeching to a halt while large flashbacks are delivered. And to make this worse, you've had a very long gap between updates, so you're looking at something like over half a year (by the time the next chapter probably will come out) between it moving forwards. That is a long length of time.
The actual conflict between him and Celestia is hardly resolved either. Sure, you're not going to have a long discussion with someone barely conscious from being drugged up and severely injured, but those issues are still there. Not forgetting the unrealistic lack of communication.
Look, if you're in a relationship with the love of your life and you have an argument, you are not going to not speak to them for weeks at a time. Even if you're a military man who argued just before deployment, you're going to call/email them when you get a chance and have calmed down. Or a letter in this case. Failing to do this wouldn't leave any doubt that the relationship is over. This also goes both ways. You're going to have communication lines, so it'd definitely be possible for Celestia to get a message to him as well. Especially considering that whole "I rule this country" thing.
The protagonist failing to clarify the status of his own relationship is utterly stupid and unbelievable. That's not "is this a breakup?", that's a fucking breakup. If you want to write a romance story well, you need to understand relationship dynamics, and this is basic stuff.
One of the main plot points of the story -- the Griffon war -- is a classic example of telling, not showing. There's no real build up, it just comes out of nowhere. This not only bad form, but also seems highly unrealistic that the protagonist wouldn't have picked up on Celestia's stress, or that she wouldn't have confided anything in him. Instead it's glossed over after the event as having been on a day he was ill. Incidentally, a human protagonist would be immune to native diseases given that it's a completely different planet (and vice versa).
You could have built this up far better, and possibly even hinted at Celestia being overly protective and or abusing her position slightly. For example, making sure someone other than her beloved was sent to investigate an outpost or something. Instead it feels bolted on, because hey we need some conflict.
You've got a virginal and highly inexperienced several thousand year old princess (until she meets the protagonist), which is frankly ridiculous. There are a handful of cases where this could just about be believed if Celestia was still reasonably young when Luna was banished or something, but it would have to be very well justified.
Look, repeat this back to yourself: princess with needs. Thousands of years without getting laid. No daliances or anything.
Shortly after this story first went up, I told you that you needed to work on your prose. Unfortunately I don't think you've developed on this because it still feels highly fragmented.
Someone above stated that this fic avoids the pitfalls of HiE. I call bullshit on that. You don't have an emo 16 year old protagonist who screws all the Mane 6 moments after getting there, but you still have an (implied) misanthropic protagonist:
You also have Cadance trying to ship what is (to her) a complete stranger with Celestia, and when the protagonist himself is barely more than one to Celestia this point. It's not quite as straight as normal, but it's still pretty cliche.
There's also a bunch of minor things, like an officer fraternizing with those under his command, a huge miliary no-no. OOC behaviour from Celestia, with speech patterns that don't fit, and so on. It all adds up.
Christ this is getting far too long.
TMM is not a bad story by any stretch of the imagination. It is however, an average at best story with potential in it to be a good story, but so far there are many things holding it back. And certainly it doesn't deserve the ridiculous praise it gets at times, as if it's Jesus in fanfic form.
The question is this: do you want to become a good author who can write a good story? Or do you want a bunch of fanboys who wouldn't know a damn thing about a well-written story to mindlessly sing your praises because "Celestia is MAI WAIFU"?
Bring on the downvotes kids!
3896027 Upvote for speaking the truth.
Great chapter! If I have to say something bad about the chapter it is that it ended and now I'll have to wait.
I like the flashbacks a lot and while it was longer than the present part I really don't mind. I like them and I hope that you keep writing them just like before. I guess that you have read Sophistication and Betrayal since that story tells the past exactly the same way.
Oh and before I forget, you named the political advisor as Nuisance.
My only question is what was that news article about then.
3896027
Even if I don't agree completely with your criticism it is not opinions that I have problems but how you represent them. You gave constructive criticism right way and you'll have upvote from me just for that.
3896003
Problem?
3896027
Blunt, honest and (now that I think about it) correct in some aspects.
Have an upvote!
This is not to say I dislike the story, on the contrary, I love it! There's just something about it that makes me feel all giddy whenever I re-read it for the hundreth time.
Hopefully he'll update it quicker than he did before, though given the length of time between them, I doubt it.
In any case, back to my own stories!
thanks for the update.
Don't get me wrong, I'm very glad this is still alive.
But it also feels like barely anything has passed lately the way the chapters had gone.
I liked Cadance basically outright shipping them. I mean, sure, I suppose she can sense true love and stuff. Still not making it less weird she's trying to ship her aunt with a random stranger they barely know much about at that point.
And while backstory is also important, the flashback was like half the chapter. So again, it feels like the plot is barely going forward.
Like I said, don't get me wrong. I still enjoyed the chapter, and the story in general. I just hope the next chapter isn't too far away.
So wait, earth DOES have talking ponies? WHERE ARE THEY?!?!?!?!?
Update! YES!!! We loves it! We loves it forever!!
3896027 Very much agree with many of your points, disagree with some others. I really enjoy this fic, but some things don't belong, like the war.
Awwww Yeah! Update!
Good chapter, but I found something you may want to edit.
I'm pretty sure that should be "again".