ScatMan2001
Joined 28th Aug, 2012 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- JaydexTheShadowKnight · 92k words · 1,652 141 · 46k views
- JaydexTheShadowKnight · 150k words · 1,047 84 · 21k views
- ScatMan2001 · 105k words · 2,353 79 · 20k views
- Zamairiac · 62k words · 1,431 135 · 24k views
- BaronVonStallion · 8.2k words · 1,199 32 · 44k views
- Zamairiac · 41k words · 1,674 80 · 24k views
- Sweet Tale · 275k words · 1,475 128 · 32k views
Featured In29
Clopfics11,544 stories ·15,811 members
Human in Equestria16,970 stories ·16,819 members
- Fanfic Discussion 461 stories ·186 members
- Second Person Stories1,560 stories ·1,825 members
The Writers' Group56,381 stories ·9,290 members
- Romance Stories I Love373 stories ·208 members
Sensual Fiction (SFG)1,192 stories ·1,724 members
Looking for Editors3,384 stories ·5,414 members
Stats
Page generated in 0.247 seconds
Total duration
1,042 users online
1,543,784 hits today, 2,004,447 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Don't worry it's okay by me keep writing I want to know how it ends.
I like it. Maybe I just didn't see, buti didn't notice much spellings errors like the common your you're error. Or theirs there they're. It's a bit more peaceful of a story, I don't always like the HiE stories because they get old explaining straight from the start how they got there and what happend. Letting it unfold over time is a nice change of pace. I will continue reading. Also, thank you for making it long! I love reading longer chapters.
This? Bad? NO WAY!? It's AWESOME! I'm tracking this. Now.
Interesting. Feed me moar!
MOAR!
encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTHlr2ufnSMNDw3lmoI5qHejJPWXz1SbDRnDH5lZKTOTXqe9wnk4A
My pussy demands it.
hmmmm its not good but not bad either
wow. I'm loving this story, and 11,000 words for the first chapter? MOAR
cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/250x250/27335446.jpg
The couple months later jump is a bit jarring but other than that this fic is freaking awesome. not to say there bad or anything but I do ship fic's with celestia are always a welcome breath of freash air considering the millions of luna ones. keep up thr awesome work.
THANK YOU!!!
Tia finely got some love
cdn.derpiboo.ru/media/BAhbBlsHOgZmSSIsMjAxMi8xMC8yMC8yMV80NV8yMV84NzFfMTI4MjIyX19VTk9QVF9fBjoGRVQ/128222__safe_princess-celestia_just-as-planned.png
i have just used the almighty power of the insta-fav... MOAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTHlr2ufnSMNDw3lmoI5qHejJPWXz1SbDRnDH5lZKTOTXqe9wnk4A
1471905 I wouldn't worry too much.dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/lolface_Celestia.png
I'm loving this story and I'm not even done with the first chapter. I got to say though before I forget any chance for a prequel or epilogue? You don't have to just wanted to know more in depth of how all the ponies reactions are. Now I must stay awake and finish the rest but bed so comfy
Edit: Fuck indeed I was really getting into this so more soon please. But how soon is that going to be or is it going to take a while?
Celestia and I thank you all for reading! It means a lot to me.
I worked pretty hard on this chapter, and the next two as well, but you'll find more about those later. I appreciate you all taking time to read the first chapter of my story. At 11,000 words, I can imagine it took a relatively long time to read. It took me a long time to write.
I'm glad to see that most people enjoy the story thus far, and I invite you to continue reading! The story is about you, after all.
1477193
Ha ha. Don't worry. I have already written the second and third chapters, but I have yet to edit them. I will spend the next week editing these chapters, and I will have them up by the end of the week. That is, if all goes according to plan, which it should. Regarding your comment about the prequel and/or epilogue, I would also advise you not to worry. My future chapters will elaborate further about how everypony reacted to you popping into Equestria and such. I hoped that answered you question.
Thanks for reading, and enjoy the rest of my story (when I submit it, at least)!
1471905this is not explicit in any way shape or form, why is it rated mature.i was expecting clop. anyways good story though
Okay, before I begin, I'll say this: change the description. Right now.
This is one of the worst things you can do as an author, saying how your description sucks. It's a giant red flag for readers that screams "DON'T READ ME". If you can't write a description then how can anyone expect you to write a story competently? It's not even that bad a description either, once you strip out the "sorry it sucks" and "it's my first fanfiction". In fact, I almost didn't read it because of this, and it's only the premise that convinced me to give it a look.
Done that? Good.
Okay, firstly it's nice to see something like this that's a little bit different. There is a very large danger however of the protagonist turning into a Gary Stu so in very short order you're going to have to demonstrate why Celestia fell in love with the protagonist. I don't know if you've read Sophistication and Betrayal, but if you haven't then take a look at that for an example of some truly excellent relationship building. Xenophilia is also another good example. SaB follows a very similar format including the use of the 2nd person and flashbacks too.
There is a nice element of world-building here which is always welcome to see, and I hope that continues.
There's a few grammatical errors to watch out for ("Their great soldiers") but for the most part I didn't see any glaring errors.
The prose is fairly decent though you should change the formatting so you're not using strings of dashes to act as line breaks. It looks unwieldy and amateurish. There does seem to be a bit of excess punctuation as well which interferes with the flow, and your clauses tend to be quite short; again, a sign of amateurish writing. The core of what's being said isn't bad however, so this should be a fairly easy fix.
Finally, Celestia seems a little out of character in places. She's a hard character to write because the show doesn't actually show that much of her, but while she comes across as refined with a mischievous side you have her acting quite informally on occasions (such as holding court) where she would be expected to act formally. As an aside, having a character (in this case, the protagonist) be able to blatantly interrupt such goings on for no good reason with no consequences is another sign of a Stu and something you need to avoid.
Further it's also hard to imagine someone like Celestia kissing and nuzzling in front of the court as well as declaring her love for the protagonist for all to see. In most contexts this would be unacceptable and uncomfortable behaviour, let alone from royalty in a formal setting in the midst of her duties. Celestia's characterization is probably the weakest aspect of the story and something you really need to work on.
Anyway, all this said, you're off to a fairly decent start and while there are several problems that need dealing with they are not insurmountable. Fix the above and you have the potential to write an excellent story.
This fic i will keep an eye on, there are to few Celestia/Human fics out on the net.
this was a great chapter do more plz and bro hoof
1478553
Holy shit that's a lot.
First, I would like to thank you for reading my story, and thank you even more for reviewing it. I wrote and edited it by myself, so I knew I was going to inevitably miss some things. I changed my description as you said. I never really thought about my description in the way you said, so thank you for bringing that to my attention.
I have read Sophistication and Betrayal. It was very well written and I loved the story. I tried to model this story in the same way that story was written. Alas, I am still working on it. Celestia's character was extraordinarily difficult to write. I know what I would say in certain situations, but I have no idea what she would say or do. So I guessed. And I'm still guessing. But I am trying to work on it.
I understand what you said about the public affection and such, but I don't want to change that. I added a paragraph in hopes of explaining that a little better, but I don't want to re-write everything. I'm too lazy. I completely agree with what you said, but I'm just going to leave it as it is and hope and pray that no one else besides you thinks it's strange.
Thank you very much for your feedback! It is greatly appreciated.
1478337
There will be clop in future chapters, trust me. I didn't just want to jump into the story and write explicit material, but I guarantee that it will appear in the next chapter, which I am writing as we speak.
Thank you for reading!
My email lied to me? WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!?
1480229
Yeah I wouldn't worry about rewriting anything at this stage. Focus on the story going forward and improving your writing. You can always come back to the first chapter later, as quite a few authors do.
1480449
I apologize Mr. Science, but I do not understand. Perhaps, if you would voice your concerns in a more logical manner, I would be able to assist you in whatever it is that you need.
Thanks for commenting!
Oh ScatMan, do not worry. My only trouble was that I was watching you and it said on my email that you updated the story and I got excited, but I came to the story and there was no new chapter. I was just a little disappointed, that's all.
Love and Hugs,
Sciencejim
Wow. This is a rare fic where I was literally laughing my ass off the entire time!
Well done, sir. Well done. Have a meme!
ponysquare.com/file/pic/photo/2012/03/e7ee9dae1c449a7d2aab8c557dad708e_500.jpg
The oc should be named "Francis" for obvious reasons. Love the story so far!
1477556 alright then but now I must ask when can we expect the next chapter cause
I Want It Nooooww!
Now I wait for other stories
Liking this immensely!
This is soooooooooooo good, I'm loving it so far! Keep up the good work, I can't wait until Chapter 2... hopefully with some clop?
I would love to see how you write a love scene, considering you are very detailing and descriptive as it is. Instant fav and like, and have a Celestia for your awesomeness! cdn.broni.es/images/emotes/mlp-rys.png
For the love of Celestia do continue this story. It is beautiful...
Although I do love the concept, and the idea (Oh I do love Celestia with human fics, their like gems) and I cannot really critic much since I feel my own writing needs a LOT of improvement, this is actually really good. Yea, there are mistakes but what author doesn't have 'em, y'know?
Really lookin' forward to more from you, goin' to give it a like an' add to watch list.
Loved, Loved, Loved It! Moar please!
Pretty good so far, a few gramma issues here and there but nothing too bad but you're already aware of them and getting Celestia in character is quite hard but that's to be expected.
Anyway now I'm assuming that you're going with the canon universe so here's my gripe about this is that you're reffering to Celestia and Luna as gods personaly I don't view them as gods because quite frankly they ain't just cause they have realy long lives and can control the sun and moon does not automaticaly make them gods, if you look into canon more closely you'll see that they both are just powerful beings and are in the end just ponies. Now my definition of a god is quite different I won't go for to long about this, so a god in my eyes would be genderless, capable of living outside of the universe and travel between them, outlive any universe and a being of energy. Celestia and Luna don't realy fall into that category in my book or in canon.
I'm sorry I'm ranting about this but I've seen so many fics that depict Celestia and Luna as gods I just don't think they are. Demi-gods at best but that's as far as I'll go. Anyway in the end it's your story so you can do what you want I won't stop reading cause of this it's a good first chapter after all.
Bravo. This chapter trumps the first. I love this story.
HHHHHHHHHHNGGG that celestia...
Awesome story. Can't wait what happens next.
NEEDS MORE SLAANESH
touching.
An excellent chapter, with a beautiful ending. But also kinda sad. Unless he becomes immortal, or is he won't be able to keep that promise.
Good luck with all of your endeavors.
Aww. How sweet!
Ah, love. Keep these chapters going please? I am really getting into this beautiful story between a human and a goddess. I am actually crying a little.
Horrible thing to say but I kinda wanna him to get hurt so I can see her go all Old Testament on someone.
Plus it'd be cool for celestia to try and do something about his mortality. Lots of grey areas to have fun with there.
Enjoying it so far :)
1513899
Yeah really, what if he did become immortal? I don't think there would be as much loneliness involved if Celestia was there with him.
Well this chapter has pushed my rating of this fic passed 10/10 and into 11/10 well done
Very nice chapter, i like how you made Celestia a bit more needy in this fic, also it's a very good twist that you made this to be Celestias first relationship, in pretty much every other fic it's always like she's got a whole harem of lovers throu the years, glad you brought up the point that she simply would not have time for that because of all of her work, and now that Luna is free she can finally calm down a bit with her new lover.
This is interesting though I'm finding it a little hard to get attached to the character since it just so improbable that he'd end up in the castle without some kind of explanation. It seems you might give glances of that during lfashbacks though so that could fulfill that end. Overall, i"m enjoying the character interactions fairly well, especially the inner relationship of the 'Royal Family." You're doing a fun twist on this idea here.
Small edits for one paragraph:
You slide down her waist so you are resting above your flanks. You reach your arms down and bring them to rest on her. You begin caressing her flank, gently at first, but you quickly begin kneading the delicate area much harder and with more passion as you hear Celestia’s breathing quickens.
You slide down her waist so you are resting above her flanks. You reach your arms down and bring them to rest on her. You begin caressing her flank, gently at first, but you quickly begin kneading the delicate area much harder and with more passion as you hear Celestia’s breathing quicken.
1514210
I am not sure I understand you comment.
If he did become immortal, like Celestia he would be able to keep his promise to always be there for her. If not eventually his morality would break that promise.
This
Is
AWESOME
I realy like how you've played this story so far. ALL OF MY FAV'S AND THUMBS.
TOO MANY FEELS!