Chapter 1: Your New Old Life

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‘Wow,’ you think to yourself, ‘it’s really coming down out there. I wonder why he texted me, of all times, right now.’

You look at your phone again to see if you received any more messages. Thankfully, you have not received anymore mysterious texts from random friends at 1 a.m. But the message did seem rather important. You do not receive many texts from this particular individual, especially not ones like this.

“I need your help. Come over ASAP!” That is the entire text message. No specifics, no reason why, just your buddy asking for help.

You should not have gone. It’s 1 in the morning.

Well… It’s not like you were sleeping or anything. You were still wide awake, surfing the internet, doing whatever it is that you do on your computer at 1 in the morning (winky face).

Being the great friend you are, you put aside your nightly internet rituals to help a friend in his desperate time of need. However, knowing this friend for as long as you have, the thing he probably needs your help with making ramen noodles. Your friend is kind of dumb, but you love him anyway (in a complete heterosexual way. Save those dirty thoughts for later).

So, you hop into your old ass car, and start the drive to his house. You know where he lives, you have been there a few times to hang out and play video games or whatever it is you do with other heterosexual male friends of yours.

Did I mention that you’re straight?

Due to the fact that it is indeed 1 o’clock in the morning, it is really dark, and the constant barrage of rainwater is not helping your driving situation at all. You hate driving at night. You hate driving in the rain. You really hate driving at night when it is raining. Your friend better be happy you’re going there to help his worthless ass.

“I think I missed my turn,” you mutter to yourself. “No, I didn’t. The turn is… in… God where am I?”

You have no idea where you are, and neither does God. You do not recognize the area that you are currently in through the water that is falling from the sky.

You decide to press on anyway. You haven’t been living in this area long enough to be familiar with all the roads, so a few minutes of driving should put you back on some recognizable road.

After a few minutes of aimlessly driving around, you come across a very large bridge. “I didn’t even know I lived near a bridge.” You observe aloud. You decide to cross the unfamiliar bridge, and if nothing is on the other side, just turn around and try heading back.

You see other headlights on the bridge, but just a few. It is 1 in the morning after all.

You begin crossing the bridge and let your mind wander as the radio continues to play some new pop song that you already know you hate. How do people even listen to this stuff?

“Yankees and Orioles tied in first. Weird, usually the Orioles suck. That reminds me, my dad owes me 20 bucks. Broncos beat the Steelers last week. I’m a goddamn genius.”

Your inner monologue is cut short when you hear screeching brakes and feel your car jerk to the right. Your airbags all go off, and your face slams into the one protruding from you steering wheel.

The impact on your face hurts, but you try to ignore it in an attempt to get control of your car. You slam on your brakes, but you still feel like you are moving. You feel as if you are falling… Falling and spinning.

Your mind goes blank as the car suddenly stops, and everything goes dark…

==========

The alarm goes off far too early this morning. You are not a morning person. To you, morning is the worst time of the day. When you go to bed at 11, and have to wake up before sunrise every, single, day, it gets rather tiring.

You want to roll over and fall back asleep, but you know you can’t. You have to go to work. But that doesn’t keep you from wishing that your clock would just shut up, go back a few hours, and allow the world a little more sleep.

As usual, your wishes fall upon deaf ears, as the alarm does nothing but continue to beep its’ piercing, annoying, terrible blare. You swear inwardly at your misfortune. It doesn’t help any that the bed you have been sleeping in over the past few months is the biggest, softest, most comfortable thing you have ever touched. The bed probably has enough room to accommodate six full grown men rather comfortably. The sheets are the smoothest silk you have ever felt, and the pillows are SO SOFT! Why don’t people make houses and furniture out of pillows? That’d be cool.

You manage to turn yourself over on your right side after what feels like an eternity of the alarm’s incessant, cacophonous beeping. You slam your fist down upon the irritating machine and silence its’ terrible caterwaul. (Orange Vocab Book Words! Level H. Finally using them!)

Realizing that you’re rambling now, you finally decide to physically get up. Well… not quite yet. You decide to just open your eyes and look around. You are greeted by your normal surroundings. Dark purple walls bathed in the pre-morning moonlight, making them appear even darker than usual, the bathroom door on the other side of the room, the massive golden doors leading in and out of the room that are protected by Royal Guards 24/7, and two French doors leading out to an uncomfortably high balcony.

Your brain is still in a bit of a fog from waking up at this ungodly hour, but you try to remember what you have to do today.

‘What time do I have to go to work today?’ you think to yourself. ‘Is it Wednesday? No it’s Saturday… I think… Whatever, it doesn’t matter. What do I have to do today?’

You never find an answer to that question, as you are dragged out of your thoughts by sensing the presence against your back. A white leg wraps around your stomach, and physically pulls you until the back of your body connects to the front of the one behind you.

“Good morning, my dear,” you hear the most beautiful and elegant voice whisper into your ear.

You turn your head slightly, and gaze at the most beautiful thing you ever seen laying behind you, cuddled up to your back. A white, regal, utterly gorgeous mare, looking at you with a soft smile. Her magnificent multi-colored mane flowing in a breeze that you can’t feel, but must be there if her mane and tail are always floating around like that. You always ask her about it. She just says it’s magic.

“I don’t care if it’s magic,” you typically respond. “You still gotta explain shit.” But she never does.

“Good morning, honey.” You respond, trying, and failing, to suppress a yawn. “You are looking lovely as ever today.”

Her smile grows a little wider as she tilts her head forward, and plants a kiss delicately on your lips.

“Why thank you my dear. You are such a flatterer.” She says, still keeping her tone tantamount to that of Fluttershy’s. “Did you sleep well? We were both rather tired last night.”

You give a knowing smile to your beautiful princess. “I always sleep well with you, Celestia.” You give her a quick kiss of your own. “I just hate having to get up.”

She rolls her eyes and smiles playfully. “Are you saying you do not enjoy my sunrises?”

You smile and sigh. “Once again, my beautiful Princess, you have taken my words completely out of context. I love your sunrises and all, they’re beautiful. You’re beautiful. I just don’t want to go to work.”

“How about you try running a country, raise and lower the sun, and go to work everyday in the same job for a few thousand years?”

You chuckle. “All right, all right, I get it. You work harder than me, you have a more stressful job, etcetera, etcetera.” You turn over so you’re facing Celestia. You wrap your arms around her back, pull her chest into yours, and bury your head into her neck.

“But,” you continue, “that doesn’t mean I can’t be tired too.” With your head buried in her neck, your voice is extraordinarily muffled. You probably sounded more like “mmph dmmfph mmm I kmmt mm mmrmmd moo.”

Celestia places her chin on top of your head. “I know sweetie. But I never said I was tired. I love mornings.”

Celestia is one of the only creatures in the WHOLE universe that can wake up in the morning, and be truly and genuinely happy. You on the other hand, are perhaps just ever so slightly less thrilled that it’s morning. When you wake up, to a terrible, frantic, high pitched alarm clock in the dead of night, how can you not be happy?

Just kidding. You are homicidal on the average morning. Even before coming to Equestria, you were never a morning person. Whether it was getting up for school, work, or just naturally waking up, if it was too early, you were pretty pissed. And God help anyone who woke you up before you wanted to get up.

Sleeping next to Celestia has definitely assuaged your usual morning anger. Falling asleep has never been easier. Back on Earth, you slept alone. You may have had trouble sleeping at times, but not too much trouble.

Here in Equestria though, sleeping has never been easier. With a gorgeous woman pressed against you all night long, how could you not rest easily? Of course, when you first started sleeping with her, the 15 inch dagger coming out of her head scared the crap out of you. But things get much easier after a while, and soon, it was no longer a problem.

Celestia, when standing, is a few inches taller than you. However, with the addition of her horn, she is a good foot and a half taller. Due to her height advantage, and her dominating personality, she more often than not plays the role of the big spoon when cuddling. Her natural domineering personality is probably due to the fact that she’s a Princess. You figure that as ruler of a country, people don’t often tell you ‘no’.

Despite you being a man, you don’t mind being the little spoon at all. You actually enjoy it. Having someone hold you all night is an amazing feeling. Not to say that you have never returned the favor to Celestia, but she always seems to prefer being the one pressed against your back.

After what only feels like a few seconds of cuddling, you feel Celestia begin to get up.

“Nnnoooo,” you groan. “Stay in bed… with me. Forever.” You hold Celestia down onto the bed with your arms and snuggle closer. You don’t want to get up, and you don’t want her to leave you.

You hear her laugh that elegant, refined laugh she does so well. “Honey, we both need to get up. The sun doesn’t raise itself.”

“It does where I come from,” you mutter.

“What was that?”

“Nothing,” you respond quickly. “…I guess I’ll go shower then.”

“Good boy,” Celestia responds as though you were a dog that just learned to sit. “But,” she continues, “you need to let go of me first.”

You sigh. “Fine.” You kiss her, and slowly release your grip.

Celestia kisses you back, gets up, and begins making her way to the French doors leading out to the balcony, high above the Equestrian capital city, Canterlot.

You watch Celestia as she walks away. Her swaying flanks and tail have you temporarily hypnotized, and you can’t take your eyes off of them. The way they move back and forth so perfectly is enough to drive anyone mad. And it does. Her flowing multi-colored tail stops you from seeing anything you aren’t supposed to, but you really want to.

She slows her walk, turns slightly, arches her back, lifts a foreleg, and looks back at you with a sultry smile.

“Enjoying the view?” she asks, not even trying to hide the amusement in her voice.

All you can do to respond is nod like an idiot. She laughs and continues walking towards the doors. ‘She is so beautiful,’ you think to yourself. ‘Only problem is that she knows she is beautiful, and that I’m just her pet… Oh well, I don’t mind being her pet as long as I get rewarded for my tricks.’

The room is illuminated in the golden light of Celestia’s horn as she uses her magic to open the doors, and makes her way outside. Once she walks out, you decide you should probably take that shower.

You raise your naked form from the massive bed and shuffle your way across the cold tiled floor towards the bathroom door. As you reach the door, you see the sun beginning to make its’ way slowly over the horizon. You don’t care much for sunrises. Sunsets are beautiful, sunrises are inconvenient for your sleeping.

You open the door and commence with your morning rituals. You use the toilet, your grand shower (which you adore), deodorant, brush your teeth. Surprisingly, Equestria actually has Colgate brand toothpaste, but it tastes like Crest. The similarities between this world and yours have never ceased to amaze you.

You look at yourself in the mirror hanging above the sink. You look at the various small cuts still on your face and your short hair. You actually look pretty good with abnormally short hair. However, you are developing some stubble on your chin.

‘May as well shave,’ you think to yourself. You get out a razor and shaving cream and begin shaving. It surprises you that razors and shaving cream exist in this world. Somehow, ponies are capable of growing facial hair on top of their fur. It doesn’t make any sense to you, but you’re living in a world with talking ponies and sleeping with a Goddess. Not much sense to be made here.

As you are in the midst of putting some shaving gel on your face and neck, Celestia enters the bathroom. You see her reflection in the mirror.

She looks over at you. “You didn’t wait for me?” she asks, sounding genuinely surprised.

You shrug. “You told me to take a shower.” You run the razor down the side of your neck. “I took it as a command, I suppose.”

Celestia’s reflection grows in the mirror. You hear her hooves clopping across the tiled bathroom floor. “And since when did you have to start listening to me?” you hear her stop behind you.

You spin around and quickly kiss her on the lips, getting a little shaving cream on her upper lip, before looking into her big, radiant purple eyes. “Since we’ve been sleeping together I guess.” You smile and turn your attention back the mirror and run the razor down your sideburns.

Celestia scoffs and rubs a hoof across her mouth. “Then why is it, my dear, that despite my futile attempts to tell you otherwise, you continue to go pranking with Luna? Especially at odd hours of the night?”

Your smile widens. You love to go pranking with Luna. She’s like a five year-old in an adult’s body. Not to mention that she’s also Princess and Goddess of the Night, who at one point in time, lead massive, bloodthirsty, barbaric armies, and won many great victories. Luna, at one point was one of the greatest warriors in the entire world, next to Celestia. Just the idea makes you laugh. Times have really changed.

Celestia continues her rant. “You shouldn’t be encouraging her, you know. She may be the second oldest being in the world, but she is one of the most immature. Not to say that I do not love her, for I do, with all my heart.” She pokes a hoof at your back. “But pranks should be lighthearted and good-natured, unlike yours.”

You roll your eyes. “A good-natured prank… like the ones you do?”

Celestia nods. “That’s right,” she says matter-of-factly. You look at her face in the mirror. Her eyes are closed, she has a slight smile, and her head is held high, as if she is proud with herself.

You roll your eyes. “Your pranks are boring. They’re hilarious, but too… spontaneous, I guess is the word. Luna and I plan days ahead of time for a good prank. And it’s not like anypony gets hurt.”

“Are you saying I am incapable of pulling a decent prank?” Celestia asks. You see her place a hoof on her chest as she raises her eyebrows in mock shock.

“Hmm,” you ponder. “Well, when you put it that way…yes. I am saying I can out-prank you any day.” You move the razor so that it is positioned underneath your left eye.

“Have I ever told you about Shining and Cadence’s wedding?” you see her smile.

“Yeah, a little bit." You move the razor down your face. You don’t like hearing the story from Shining and Cadence’s wedding. Shining was brainwashed, Cadence was almost killed and hidden away beneath the castle, Twilight and her friends were almost killed, Equestria was almost conquered by strange shape-shifting creatures, but most important of all, Celestia was almost killed. Your Celestia, almost killed at the hands of these creatures. Just the thought of it almost sends you into a rage. You quickly calm yourself down in order to listen to the rest of what your Goddess has to say. You move the razor underneath your other eye.

You ask yourself, ‘What from their wedding could possible make Celestia smile?’

“Did I tell you that I put our little Spike in charge of Shining’s bachelor party?” her smile grows.

Your arm jerks, causing the razor to effectively cut your cheek underneath your eye. You swear as you turn on the faucet and begin splashing some cold water on your face. You hear Celestia laughing as you do so. You love her laugh, even if it is directed at you.

You definitely were not expecting Celestia to say that. You have known Celestia to be a bit of a troll, but this is a step farther than what you would normally expect from her. You are genuinely surprised, and there is now a cut on your face to prove it.

You grab the hand towel lying next to the sink and begin to dab your face, wiping away the water and blood. You’ve cut yourself before when shaving. It doesn’t hurt, but it stings, and it’s annoying. You tear a small piece of toilet paper which hangs next to your porcelain throne, and press it against your cut.

Celestia is still laughing hysterically as you attempt to respond.

“There are so many things wrong with what just happened,” you say, throwing your disposable razor into the trashcan. “One being that there is nothing funny about me injuring myself on your behalf, Princess,” you mock glare at Celestia as she continues to laugh. “Now I’m going to have a cut on my face all day.

“Second, why would you put Spike in charge of a bachelor party? He definitely has not matured, in his ten year lifetime.” Or however old he is. “He probably doesn’t even know what a bachelor party is!” you exclaim, throwing your hands in the air.

Her laughter grows quickly before eventually subsiding. After an eternity of her laughter, she calms down and leans forward to kiss you. “I know,” Celestia says smiling as she pulls away. “But it was really, really funny.”

Celestia leans in and nuzzles your neck. Ponies don’t hug very often, but you think they make up for it easily by nuzzling. Her fur is so soft against your shaven neck.

You respond by putting your arms around her neck and pulling her in for a hug. You love hugs.

“I’m going to shower now,” Celestia says, barely above a whisper as she continues to nuzzle you.

“All right hon,” you pull away. “I’ll get dressed then?”

“Sounds good,” Celestia smiles as she enters the massive shower.

After all your morning rituals have been completed, you are feeling much more awake then you were 20 minutes ago. But, if you had to opportunity to, you would definitely go back to bed.

You feel the burn mark on your lower right back as you stretch. It used to hurt a lot, but after a dozen trips to the doctor and the spa, it’s merely an inconvenience.

You walk out of the bathroom, and immediately notice that sun has been raised. You only had the light in the bathroom dimmed, so the bright light of the sun makes you recoil slightly and rub your eyes.

“I hate mornings,” you mutter bitterly.

You blindly walk towards the general direction of your bed as you continue to rub the sleep from your eyes. This happens every morning. You get up, shower, exit the bathroom, and spend the next half hour complaining about how the sun hurts your eyes.

Celestia is usually in the bathroom for the next thirty minutes or so, doing whatever it is that Goddesses do to prepare for the day, while you wait outside. You throw off your towel and sit your naked form down onto your unmade bed. You really want to go to sleep, but you have work.

You decide to lie on your bed, partially under the blanket, and close your eyes until Celestia gets out of the shower.

Your mind wanders to a number of things. Most mornings, when sitting on the bed, waiting for Celestia, you will only think of Celestia. But mainly, what she is doing in the shower. Your mind on the average morning is very dirty, but it helps wake you up.

You think of your old family, your old friends, your old problems. None of which you need to worry about now. You’re not even on the same planet.

Thinking of this begins to depress you, so you start thinking of work… which depresses you a little, but not as much as thinking about your old home.

You think of your current job. A Lieutenant in the Equestrian Legion. After weeks of training and schooling, you easily graduated top of your class. You attribute that to the fact that you are the only human this world has ever seen. Back on Earth, you never would have gone through officer school and graduated top of your class. Not even in your dreams.

But in Equestria, you did. You are physically stronger than most ponies. You can’t kick harder than them, but you can fight much, much better. And your skills with a sword are unmatched. Unicorns will wave them about with their magic, but it’s much easier to control the weapon with hands.

It’s not like becoming an officer in the Equestrian Legion is exceptionally difficult. An officer in the Royal Guard? That’s next to impossible. But not in the Legion. Considering that Equestria hasn’t been to war in hundreds of years, the Legion is basically just for show. Granted, if there ever was a war, you would go and fight… and win of course. But, the chance of war breaking out is highly unlikely, which just leaves you with a lot of paperwork to fill out.

The Royal Guard is constantly working. Those golden-clad warriors are everywhere. On the Castle Walls, at the Castle Gate, in various places inside the Castle, flying above the Castle. Even right outside your bedroom doors.

Their military training is much more strenuous than what you endured in the Legion, so they seem to take their job much more seriously. If somepony even looks at the Princess in a funny way, those guys will beat the crap out of him and throw him in a cell… at least, you would want that to happen. You doubt Celestia would ever allow anything like that to occur under her rule. She is much too kind.

You decide to get off the soft mattress, lest you fall asleep again. You rise and stroll on over to the open French Doors which lead out to your massive balcony. You see your marefriend’s kingdom. It is grand, beautiful, and absolutely perfect, just like her. You see the peaceful town of Ponyville in the distance. You love Ponyville. It was the first town you ‘visited’ upon arriving in Equestria.

You look up at the beautiful sky. The rising sun turning the colors of the sky various shades of yellow. The sun is basically raised, but not entirely. The sky is still yellow, and the sun…

You look at the sun and immediately regret it. You legitimately looked at the sun, like an idiot. You shut your eyes tightly; thinking the tighter you shut them the quicker the pain will leave you. You place your hands over your eyes as you turn back into the bedroom.

“Mornings…Suck…” you mumble.

You feel the unmistakable sensation of lips on your cheek. “Mornings are the best time of the day,” you hear Celestia say matter-of-factly. You didn’t hear her leave the bathroom, but you guess she did.

“Says the goddess of the sun. It is literally your job to love mornings. Bed time is the best time of the day.”

“Oh, quit complaining. We need to go to breakfast, right now. So get dressed in something suitable, and let’s go.” Celestia always sounds so excited in the morning. She kind of reminds you of a kid on Christmas morning, who just really wants to go downstairs and see what they got.

But it isn’t Christmas time in Equestria, or whatever they call it. On 364 days of the year, it isn’t Christmas time. Yet, Celestia is always so eager to get the day started. She does the same thing, almost everyday, but she is still always ready and willing to do it. This baffles you.

“But ponies don’t wear clothes,” you reason, lowering your hands from your face. “So maybe I shouldn’t wear clothes.”

Celestia bites her lower lip. “I wouldn’t mind it at all if you didn’t wear anything, dear.” She gives the back of your neck a kiss as she walks behind you, rubbing her body against yours. “But it was your decision to get clothes in the first place.”

“Well, after spending my entire life in clothes, I find it rather difficult to even think about walking around everywhere naked.” You walk over to your dresser next to your side of the bed and pull out a pair of boxers. Considering all of the clothes in your dresser were made by a pony, they are really high quality.

“I’m just saying I wouldn’t mind you walking around like the rest of us,” Celestia says as she walks over the ponnequin holding her golden necklace, crown, and 4 horseshoes.

You smile as you slip a pair of shorts on. “But I thought you liked that I wasn’t like the rest of the ponies and various creatures here. Why else would you be so madly in love with me if I was just like everypony else?”

Celestia laughs. “Because you’re just sssooooo good in bed. Why else?”

“Damn right I am!” you proudly exclaim. You always knew you were amazing in bed, but it’s always good to have your girlfriend admit it too.

You finish putting on all of your pony-made human clothes, including your pair of sneakers, and walk over to your Princess. Considering ponies don’t wear sneakers, they were pretty expensive, despite the poor quality. But you can hardly complain. They weren’t made by a human. Your last pair were ruined in your ‘accident’ you had upon arriving in Equestria.

You give Celestia a quick but loving kiss on her lips as she finishes putting on her clothing as well.

“Now come on, let’s go get some breakfast. Everypony else is probably waiting.”

You place your arm over her shoulder, and she places her wing around your back and side as you both walk down to the Royal Kitchen.

==========

The rest of the royal family was already there, going through whatever morning ritual each follows every day.

They were all sitting at the massive dining table, on their seat cushions, in the middle of a much larger room. The sun shined even brighter in this room than in your bedroom, which you didn’t like at all.

Neither did Luna. Of all the ponies that are not morning ponies, the Goddess of the Night is definitely among them. Most of the time, Luna tries to come to breakfast, just to spend time with her immediate and extended family. But she hardly ever says anything. She is exhausted after having worked all night. She sits at one of the end-seats at the unnecessarily long table, staring at the same spot she does every morning, sitting over a strong cup of coffee. Some mornings though, she will just go to bed until night falls again.

You wouldn’t describe Luna as nocturnal. She is often awake during the day. Whenever you go see Celestia in the Throne Room during the day, she is usually there. All of her work, no doubt, must leave her exhausted. Especially after 1,000 years of not working at all.

Luna is more carefree than her older sister. She is a few decades younger, and occasionally acts like a child. She is pretty awkward, which is absolutely adorable, and loves pranks. Sometimes the both of you would just go out and prank random ponies, Royal Guards, or your favorite target, Prince Blueblood.

Prince Blueblood almost never comes to breakfast. He loves to sleep in. Who can blame him? If he wasn’t so much of an arrogant prick, you might be friends with him. He is so easy to prank. Who would have thought that something so simple as changing his wardrobe would piss him off so much?

Then, there is the lovely Princess Cadence. Like Luna and you, she is not a morning pony. Her morning schedule consists of getting up, taking an immediate shower and coming directly to breakfast. She doesn’t put on a crown or anything to go to breakfast like Celestia and Luna, she is just wearing her pink bath robe, with her wet mane hanging to one side of her head.

Every morning, the both of you will have a bowl of ‘CelestiO’s’. It’s rather strange that a cereal is named after the ruler of a country. Back on Earth, there wasn’t anything called ‘ObamO’s’. Surprisingly though, CelestiO’s look and taste just like Fruit Loops. Cadence sits to Celestia’s right on the opposite end of the table from Luna.

Shining Armor is his own story. He basically skips into the damn dining hall, cheerful as a pig in shit, and barrages everyone with questions that no one besides Celestia is in the mood to answer. You love Shining and all, but in the mornings, you want to kill him with your cereal spoon. He and Celestia will always get a legit breakfast consisting of pancakes or waffles, cereal, milk, oranges, apples, etc. They will eat and talk as happy as could be, while you and Luna sit far away from them, and more often then not, mock their cheerfulness.

Shining sits across from his wife, on Celestia’s left. Whenever Blueblood comes to breakfast, he will always sit across from you, and next to Luna. Blueblood does not like you or Luna at all. He knows you pull pranks on him. He doesn’t like the idea that there is another addition to the Royal family, and apparently, has never liked Luna.

It doesn’t matter anyway. He is usually a prick. Sometimes you can hold a decent conversation with him, but those occurrences are extremely rare. Only when the planets align do you have a normal conversation with Blueblood.

You walk into the Dining room, still in Celestia’s embrace, to find everything the way it is every morning. Luna staring at the table, looking exhausted, Cadence in a bathrobe, looking equally as tired, and Shining eating various breakfast foods voraciously. Blueblood’s seat remains open. ‘Thank Christ!’ You think but would never say in front of Celestia. For her sake, you and Blueblood pretend to get along.

You share a kiss with Celestia as you both let go and make you way to opposite ends of the table. The Dining room in Canterlot castle is kind of like a restaurant. A waiter comes up, asks what you want from the kitchen, and you can ask for absolutely anything, and they’ll make it for you. If you wanted, you could even ask for meat, but you never do. Celestia wouldn’t want you to, and the chefs would probably vomit all over it.

Only one of the six seats at the table is a real chair. It belongs to you. All the other seats are cushions. Giant pillows. You like to sit on them and all, they’re very comfortable, but when you do, only the top half of your head is above the table. When ponies sit on them, their height doesn’t change at all. Simple physics. You pull out you chair and sit.

You ask for the usual and wait. You turn to Luna.

“Hey Luna.” You yawn.

“Mmm…” is the only response the dark Princess has to offer.

“How is my favorite Princess of the Night?”

“Tired.” She responds curtly.

“…”

“Last night was beautiful.” You hope to start some conversation. Most mornings you and Luna will talk about something. Anything.

“We know. We made it that way.” Luna responds modestly.

You can’t help but laugh. “You’re funny, Luna. Y’know that?”

“We did not until now.” She always responds using the Royal ‘we.’ You find that to be absolutely, undeniably, adorable. But the Royal Canterlot Voice, is absolutely terrifying. First time she used that voice on you, you nearly emptied your bowels where you stood.

“How was last night? Anything interesting happen in the great city of Canterlot?”

Luna smiles now. A truly mischievous smile. You begin to get worried. ‘Why is she smiling? She never smiles in the morning.’

“Oh, y’know, nothing too unusual.” Luna begins, her smile never faltering. “But, I did hear this one noise, around 11 o’clock, maybe?”

You begin to get nervous, you know exactly what she is talking about. You decide that playing dumb is the best strategy.

“Hmm,” you pretend to be interested, “that’s strange. I didn’t hear anything last night.”

“Oh, I bet you did.” Her smile is growing even bigger now, and she looks directly into your eyes. “I bet the pony making the noise I heard is in this room right now.”

“You don’t say.” You wish she would just drop it and stare at the table again. But she shows no signs of stopping.

“We do say,” her smile gets a little bigger. “In fact, I may just ask my dear sister about last night’s disturbance. It is our Royal duty to tell her, you know.”

You don’t want this to be brought up in front of Celestia. She may die of embarrassment. You decide to stop feigning ignorance and just talk about it.

“Luna,” you say, “you are such a perv.”

Luna laughs and exclaims, “We knew it!”

You try to quiet her down. “Yes! Luna, you’re right!” you whisper harshly. “Now just sit down, drink your coffee, and stare at the table. OK? And don’t tell anypony about what you heard. That was a private moment.”

Luna does not stop laughing and begin pounding the table. “You should see your face! Priceless!”

“God damnit Luna.”

You hear Shining’s voice from the far end of the table. “What are you guys talking about?” he asks curiously.

“Nothing!” you immediately blurt out without thinking. “Hakuna matata!”

“Hakuna matata?” Cadence asks.

“It… means no worries…for the rest of your days.” You know they don’t get the reference, but that doesn’t stop you from trying. They shrug and turn away.

Luna has finally calmed down from her maniacal laughter enough to sip at her coffee. The occasional giggle escapes her lips every few minutes, but breakfast continues in relative peace from then on.

You finish your cereal and orange juice, and prepare to leave the table. You decide to whisper something to Luna before you go.

“Luna, please, for the love of Christ, do not tell Celestia that you heard us last night. I’d prefer that this only comes up in private conversation, or at an opportunity to embarrass Blue, OK?”

“Relax,” Luna giggles. “I wouldn’t tell my sister anything like that. Your disturbing little secret is safe.”

“Thank you.” You respond, genuinely relieved. “Oh, and by the way, you’re sick.”

“Why don’t you go to work?”

“I plan to. Good day to you, oh Princess of the Night.” Luna rolls her eyes at your display.

You rise from your seat, bow to Luna, and walk to the other side of the titanic table. Everypony else in the Royal family are rising and are preparing to leave. You pass by Candence.

“Good morning Princess Mi Amora Candenza," you say with a deep bow.

“You know I hate it when you do that. And I thought I told you to stop calling me by my full name.” She responds, slightly amused at your unnecessary theatrics.

“Personally princess, I love your name. It’s almost as pretty as your new mane style.” You say pointing to her now dry mane still hanging over her robe.

“Oh horseapples!” She exclaims before bolting out of the room.

Shining seemingly appears next to you. “Wow,” he says. “I’ve haven’t seen her move that fast since out honeymoon.”

You don’t know how to respond. “Dude, that’s hot.”

“I know. I was there.”

You decide to change the subject. “So Cap’n, wanna get a drink tonight?”

Shining just looks at you incredulously, as if you just asked the dumbest question in Equestrian history.

“What?” you ask laughing at his expression. “Afraid you’ll lose another drinking contest to an under aged mare?”

He shakes his head as if clearing it from whatever he was just thinking about. “Ha ha.” He laughs sarcastically. “For the record, she was a pretty heavyset mare. How was I supposed to know she could drink so much whisky?”

“She had a bottle of moonshine as a cutie mark for one. You’re such a lightweight I bet your librarian sister could outdrink you.”

“Shut up.” He laughs. “Anyway, back on topic, I can’t go drinking tonight, and neither can you.”

This baffles you. ‘I can’t drink? But I can drink. I drink all the time.’

“What are you talking about?” You respond, very confused. There are no drinking laws in Equestria pertaining to humans, so you can drink whatever and whenever you want.

“It’s recommendation week.” He responds as if it is the most obvious thing in the world. You just look back at him as if he just told you pizza was a vegetable. “This week,” he continues, “all the officers in the Equestrian military have to review each and every individual soldier they are immediately in charge of. That means you,” he puts his hoof on your stomach for emphasis, “have to right 80 different recommendations.”

You are shocked. You didn’t know you had to do any of this. As a Lieutenant in the Equestrian Legion, you should have heard about this at least a few days ahead of time. Not the morning in which you have to start.

“That’s bullshit.” Is the only way you can respond. Shining just has to be lying.

“Think whatever you want,” he says as he begins to leave, “I gotta go get started now.”

You watch him exit the dining room, and decide to see if he is telling the truth.

Celestia is now the only one at the table, reading the newspaper and sipping at her tea she has every morning.

“Honey?” you call to her.

“Yes, dear?” she asks without looking up from the paper.

“Do you know if military officers have to write recommendations today?” you respond a little nervous.

“I do not know, sweetie. What the military does as far as promotions does not really concern me. Why don’t you know?”

“I was never told apparently. Ugh, whatever. I better get going to see if Shining is being serious or what.”

You begin walking over to your marefriend. Only when you reach her side does she finally look up from the newspaper.
“Bye baby,” you say before kissing her. The kiss is not a long one, but loving nonetheless.

“I’ll see you tonight, honey,” Celestia responds as the kiss breaks.

You walk out of the dining room, passing various unmoving Royal Guard ponies. You eventually reach the front doors leading out to the giant set of golden stairs, and walk through, ready to get your day over with.

You descend the castle’s main grand staircase and walk out of the heavily guarded gates. After living in the castle as long as you have, you believe you know essentially every single Royal Guard here, despite the fact that they all look the same. All unicorns are grey, pegasi are white, and you have never seen an Earth Pony guard before. Shining told you that their armor is enchanted to immediately make either a Pegasus or unicorn white or grey. Which is awesome.

You are tempted to make conversation with some of them, but you know it won’t work. Royal Guards are much more disciplined than other soldiers, and while on duty, they will never speak. They aren’t allowed to talk to each other, and especially not a member of the Royal Family, which you technically are, without special permission from Shining or one of the Princesses.

The guards are pretty friendly guys, it’s just a shame they decided to choose a career in which they take a metaphorical vow of silence.

You walk along the crowded street, towards your ‘office.’ There are ponies everywhere today. Ponies going into stores, ponies walking through the marketplace, and ponies seemingly wandering aimlessly about. You think about what the average pony does during the average day. You think about their daily problems. Their everyday worries…

Then you throw those thoughts out of your skull as you remember you supposedly have to write 80 recommendations for 80 different soldiers. You don’t even know all 80 soldiers you’re in charge of. These ponies you see on the street may as well not have any problems relative to you. As a Lieutenant, you are in direct command of a ‘Century’ of soldiers. Each Century, oddly enough, contains 80, not 100, 80 soldiers.

You love your Century. They're great soldiers, but none of them really deserve to be promoted. They're good guys, just not that good. And even if they were, you wouldn’t want anything about them to change, not even their ranks. Everything’s just fine the way it is.

But that is a pretty selfish thought. A promotion means more respect and a higher pay. You owe it to them to at least try. Even if it will be a pain in the ass.

You finally arrive at the barracks of the 1st century, 1st cohort, 1st Equestrian Unicorn Legion. The First Unicorn Legion is stationed all over the city of Canterlot. Royal Guards and legionnaires can act as police officers when needed, but are usually never needed. Canterlot is a pretty peaceful place.

The barracks is a pretty small building. It’s just large enough to house all 80 of your soldiers. There is a weight room on the first floor, a shower room, a huge public restroom, and a fairly large cafeteria. There are a ton of beds on the second floor, but it is not mandatory that all 80 soldiers stay every night. There always have to be at least 15 soldiers inside the barracks at any given time, in case of an emergency. Most legionnaires have families and homes, so they generally choose to go to them if they aren’t ordered to stay in the building.

You walk in through the front door at exactly 7:15 in the morning, and immediately enter the lobby. No one is in the lobby. There isn’t a reason to be, there isn’t anything in the small room. You walk through another door and enter the weight room.

Upon opening the door, you are immediately confronted by a truly noisome odor. Pony sweat. You used to think that your dad sweated a lot. Relative to ponies, he may not have sweated in his entire life. When ponies work out, they manage to work up a sweat just by stretching. It’s not that they’re out of shape, because they most certainly aren’t. You make sure of that. You figure it’s because of their fur or something. You don’t take too much time to think about it, you just want to get into your odorless office.

Only problem is that your office is on the far end of the weight room. You begin your daily walk through the room, and are greeted by the usual faces. Ponies lifting weights, practicing various spells, or just standing around and talking. Most acknowledge you with a torrent of “morning Lieutenant” and “hey Lieutenant, how’s it going?”

You respond kindly to most of their greetings. However, most ponies decide to take a more jocular approach. You hear some whistling directed towards you, the same kind of whistling one would hear by construction workers when an attractive female strolls by.

You turn your head towards the sound of one of the whistlers, and you see your best friend in all of Equestria: Sergeant Mace.

Sergeant Mace has been in the Legion for three years or so. He has a grey coat, a silver mane, and, obviously enough, a medieval mace as a cutie mark.

“Hey!” you hear him shout out to you. “You’re fifteen minutes late!” He gives you a smile. “Have another ‘rough’ morning? Or did you stay up a little too late last night?”

Some ponies turn towards you and await a response. You want to say that’s exactly why you’re late, but you could never say something like that involving Celestia. At least not in public. She is their Princess. Their Goddess. Talking about her like that seems degrading. Everypony in the room, and essentially the entire country, knows you and Celestia are together, but you never talk about yours and her private life with anypony.

You decide to respond as neutrally as you can. “If I say yes will you shut the fuck up?”

He smiles and salutes, “Yes, sir! And I’ll take that as a ‘yes’.”

You smile and continue your walk through the crowded room, greeting essentially everypony on the way, before finally reaching your office. You open the wooden door, and look around the room as you always do. Your gaze eventually falls upon your desk.

Your jaw immediately hits the floor and your body locks up as you see the enormous stack of papers sitting in the ‘in’ bin.

“D’ah shit.” You swear to yourself. “I guess Shining wasn’t kidding.”

You take a few moments to simply stare at your desk. So… many… papers…

‘This is going to take me a year to finish!’ you exclaim internally. ‘By the time I’m done with this years’ recommendations, I’ll have to start next years! This… is… Bullshit!’

You finally regain control of your body, and begin shuffling towards your desk. You pull out your custom made swivel chair, and take a seat. Due to the fact that the average mare only comes up to a little past the end of your ribcage, you needed to order custom furniture to use outside of the castle. Most stallions come up to an inch or so below your shoulder. Celestia’s and Luna’s furniture accommodates you quite nicely, but nothing else will.

You pick up you favorite quill, dip it in the ink jar, take the first sheet, and begin writing...

==========

You have been writing for far too long. You don’t know exactly how long, but you know it’s been at least a few hours, judging on how your hand feels. You’ve been writing so long, it hurts to flex your writing hand. Now is probably a good time for a break.

You lean back in your cushioned chair. ‘Last night was absolutely amazing,’ you think to yourself. ‘Celestia was so loud that even LUNA could hear her! And she lives in another tower! Sleeping with a goddess is so awesome.’

You’re torn away from your thoughts when you hear your door open. You look up to see Mace poking his head through the door.

“Hey, buddy.” He greets. “Wanna go out to lunch? I know a place we can eat for free if you take all your clothes off.”

You can’t help but laugh. “As tempting as that sounds, I’ll have to pass.”

You glance up at the clock. ‘Shit,’ you think, ‘It’s already 12:30.’

“Oh come on! We were relying on you for lunch today! How about you just take off the shirt? That should give us a discount.”

“You don’t understand. What I should have said was, ‘I’m not going to lunch today at all’. At least, not with you guys. I’mma get Celestia and me lunch. From that deli on Mane Street.”

He waves a dismissive hoof as he approaches your desk. “Pfft. That places is OK, I guess. But we were going to go out to a bar! A bar! You love bars! You should come. I know how much you love chicken wings.”

You have to suppress the urge to gag. “Mace, bars in Equestria don’t have chicken wings. They have ‘chicken wings.’ There is a big difference.”

“Like how?” he responds incredulously.

“Well for one, it’s not real chicken, it’s tofu.”

“Of course it isn’t real chicken! That’s disgusting!”

“Second, it tastes like dirty socks covered in bleu cheese. Which tastes awful. So I’ll just stick with sandwiches.”

“Fine.” He admits defeated. “If you need me, you know where I’ll be.”

“You have 30 minutes to get your flank back to the barracks. And no drinking. You remember what happened last time, right?” you smile knowingly.

His face turns red. “I-It could have happened to anypony. In my defense, he looked really, really feminine!”

“Just get out of my office.” You realize that ponies are not very good drinkers. They are either out-drinking each other on a very small amount of alcohol, or getting wasted so badly they pick up a male prostitute without noticing. You’re not saying you’re a great drinker, but relative to ponies, you are the God of Alcoholic products.

“Fine, fine.” He turns around and exits the room. “See you later, buddy!”

“See ya.” You rise from your chair and prepare to leave to get yourself some lunch.

==========

You leave the deli with two styrofoam containers holding yours and Celestia’s sandwiches. As always, you got yourself and Celestia a daffodil sandwich, containing lettuce, mayonnaise, black peppers, daffodil pedals of course, sunflower seeds, all on wheat bread.

It took you a very long time to get used to the flavor, and for your body to get used to the various vegetarian products, but you eventually did, and now you eat plants. You used to hate eating vegetarian, but now… you still hate it. It sucks. You would kill for a steak, or a hamburger, or a bacon sandwich, or ANYTHING containing meat. You haven’t had meat since the day before you came to this world. You’ve thought about killing a cow and just eating it where it lies. But then you notice that cows, like a lot of animals in this world, can talk, and have feelings. So, you’ve never actually killed and eaten a cow, and probably never will. But you have considered it.

You usually wouldn’t get wheat bread, but you have been gaining a little weight recently, so eating a little healthier shouldn’t hurt. You like to blame your weight gain on the fact that ponies love to eat sweets. Who doesn’t? But the quantity in which they partake in the sugary snacks is absurd. It surprises you that the life expectancy in Equestria in well into their 80’s. You would’ve thought that ponies would be dropping dead in the streets because of diabetes. Their obsessiveness with sweets has caused you to eat them far too often as well. Not a very good life choice, but one you make regardless.

Celestia will always take an opportunity to tease you about your growing stomach, something that has gotten pretty old, pretty fast. Despite being in the military, you still manage to gain weight. Whatever. You’re eating healthy for lunch today. So that kinda balances everything out, right? And it’s not fair that you can’t tease Celestia about her weight. She always looks perfect.

After justifying your right to eat as many sweets as you want, you finally reach the front gates of the Castle. Your home.

You approach the front gates, manned by the generic looking white pegasi in golden armor that you see so frequently around the castle. You are about to walk right through the gate, but a pair of wings stop you.

You look down and see two pegasi stretching out their wings, and giving you a piercing glare.

“Halt!” The one on the left yells immediately. “State you business.”

You freeze. ‘What?’ You think to yourself. ‘I can never recognize any of the guards, but surely they can recognize the only human in Equestria.’ You don’t recognize their voices either. The only discerning feature about the Royal Guards is that their voices never change.

“Umm…” you respond dumbfounded. “What?” You can’t think of anything to say.

The one on the right is giving you a suspicious look. He’s looking at you like trying to figure out an impossible physics problem. “What the hay are you?” he finally questions.

“I’m a human?” you ask, more in a questioning tone than a statement. For the moment, it seems you have regained control of your brain and motor functions. “I’m here to see Princess Celestia.”

“Look buddy,” the one on the left says, clearly annoyed with you, “unless you have an appointment, I’m going to have to ask you to vacate the premises.”

“…” You are too confused right now to respond. ‘All the guards know me! Why won’t they let me in?!’

“Or we will be required to remove you from the Castle gates by force. Please, move along sir.” He responds, taking a step towards you.

The guy on the left is clearly ready to attack you, while the one on the right still seems to be trying to figure this problem out.

You hear a voice coming from behind the two guards. “Hey! Human! What’s up?”

You recognize this voice. The unmistakable voice of none other than Corporal Archer. Although he looks like every other guard you have seen, his voice is kind of nasally, and easily recognizable. He quickly approaches from behind the guards questioning you.

“Sup’ buddy?” He asks, confusing the two guards originally questioning you.

“Not much,” you try sounding casual, but end up sounding very, very confused. ‘Why does everypony call me ‘buddy’?’ you wonder. “I’m, just ah, wanting to go in the Castle? Y’know? See my girlfriend? I brought her lunch, wouldn’t want her to go hungry.”

“Well sure, no problem. Getting to know the new guys?”

‘What?’

“What new guys?” this probably shouldn’t be as confusing as it is, but you are pretty confused right now. ‘Probably just cause I’m hungry,’ you reason.

“You know,” he responds as though it were obvious. “Private Blitz and Candy Cane here,” he gestures towards the two guards.

‘Candy Cane? Strange name for a ‘ready and willing-to-die Royal Guardspony’.’

“They just finished their training,” Archer continues.

“I didn’t know they were new. You all look the same to me.”

‘Wow. That sounded kind of racist.’

“I just wanted to go in and they won’t let me.”

“What?!” Archer shouts, causing the two gatekeepers to jump and quickly stand at attention.

“Are you bucking kidding me?!” Archer continues, now moving beside you and in front of the guards. “What? Do you two live under a rock? This,” he gestures towards you, “is the one and only human in Equestria! Everypony knows he lives here!”

The guards are now looking extraordinarily nervous upon being berated by the corporal. The guards you have seen are always stoic, even when being yelled at by Luna or Shining. These two are definitely new if they were afraid of being yelled at by a corporal.

Archer does not stop. “He is a Lieutenant in the Equestrian Legion! You know what that makes him?! A damned officer!

“Not only that,” Archer continues, “but he is also courting our beloved ruler, PRINCESS CELESTIA!”

Now the guards are really nervous. You can see it in their eyes. You know they know they fucked up, but Archer is probably taking it a step farther than necessary. You could’ve just said, ‘oh you’re new, it’s OK, I’ll be on my way now that you know who I am.’ But not Archer. No. He needs to yell at these poor new guards. And you want to watch.

You could’ve stopped him at any point during this, but you really don’t want to. It’s just so entertaining. And it’s nice to have somepony acknowledge how important you are to Celestia, and, therefore, all of Equestria.

Archer just keeps on yelling. “Do you have any idea what Celestia would do to you if you didn’t allow her boyfriend in the castle?! I’ll tell you what! You’d lose your damn jobs faster than you can blink! Not to mention being arrested for general stupidity!”

Archer’s unrelenting torrent of insults reminds you of a Marine Drill Sergeants’. Those guys could make anyone, even the devil, stand at attention and yell “Yes, Sir!”

“The next time either of you screw up like this, I’ll have you both cleaning the latrines, for the rest of your natural born lives! Do I make myself clear?!”

“Yes, Sir!” Private Blitz and Candy Cane shout at the same time, still at attention, still looking straight.

“At ease!” Archer yells. The aforementioned guards move their legs slightly further away, but are still basically at attention.

“Lieutenant,” Archer addresses you. “I pray that you will accept my apology for this delay in your busy schedule. I didn’t-“

“Don’t worry about it Archer,” you interrupt. “They’re new. They didn’t know. Somehow. It’s OK. And don’t worry,” you whisper to him, “I won’t tell Celestia or Shining what happened.”

Archer looks much more relieved and cheerful than he did a few seconds ago. “Thank you so much. That truly means a lot to me.”

You shrug. “What are friends for?” You walk past the two guardsponies, finally on your way to the castle. “Good day, gentlemen.” You look back again to see them snap to Attention. You sigh inwardly. New guys…

==========

You are finally back in the castle. After the little excursion outside, you are not in the mood for any more delays. You just want to see Celestia. At the risk of sounding cheesy and/or whipped, you admit to yourself that you did miss her, despite only being separated for about 6 or 7 hours.

Thankfully, all the guards on the inside of the Castle seem to know who you are. These guards simply open the doors for you, and you walk through. Simple as that.

'Stairs suck,’ you think to yourself after climbing your third set to reach the Royal Throne Room. ‘Why don’t ponies have escalators or something? I should really talk to Celestia about putting an elevator in here.’

After finally ascending the last staircase on your journey, you begin yet another long voyage in search of the Throne Room. The Castle is pretty big, so getting from place to place on foot tends to take up a lot of time.

After a few minutes of walking, you finally round the corner to the entrance of the Throne Room. But…

Instead of seeing the great golden doors to the grand room closed, they are wide open, with a long line of ponies standing there, waiting to enter the room.

‘Damn,’ you think. ‘I forgot today was when Celestia met with regular ponies.’

A couple days a week, Celestia will allow ponies to schedule appointments, come into the castle, and have her personally deal with whatever problem it is they seem to be facing. Of course, doing so is a very long process. Ponies have to schedule appointments far in advance, and security is always really heavy around the gates and the Throne Room on these days.

Luckily for you, you are Celestia’s boyfriend, and have the liberty of walking anywhere in the Castle you want, and nopony and can tell you ‘no.’ Except Celestia, of course, but she never does.

The line of ponies is rather long, and you don’t have an appointment…

‘Eh. Who cares?’

You walk past the line of ponies, looking straight and holding your sandwich containers. You’re not entirely sure, but you’re almost positive you can see the ponies in line giving you dirty looks as you pass them unmolested.

‘That’s right, little ponies. Be jelly of my power!’

You continue to waltz right by your little ponies directly into the Throne Room. The Throne Room is a very large room, and inside, is an even longer line of ponies. The room’s walls are purple, like most of the walls in the castle. There seems to be thousands of stained glass windows all along the walls, depicting famous scenes from Equestrian history. The windows are partially covered on the far edges by dark purple drapes. Everything seems to be purple. Except for the red carpet, that leads up to Celestia’s throne that is risen atop a golden platform. At the very far end of the room, sits the beautiful Celestia, on her beautiful golden throne, flanked by two Royal Guards.

Even at the far end of the room, you can tell Celestia is bored. She is listening to somepony bitch about something that probably doesn’t concern her at all, and is trying her best not to yawn or look disinterested. Nopony would ever be able to notice, but she is definitely bored. You’ve known her long enough to know when she is pretending to be interested in something. Only the trained eye would notice something so subtle about the goddess.

The only other beings in all of Equestria who would be able to tell, besides you, are probably Princess Luna, who doesn’t appear to be in the room right now, and Twilight Sparkle. As you approach the Throne, seemingly unnoticed by the Sun Goddess, you begin to hear what the pony is bitching about.

“It’s that darn Weather Factory Manager, Princess!” The angry stallion before Celestia practically shouts. “He is purposely not watering my vineyard properly! Some days, it rains far too hard when my trees do not require water! And on others, my trees are in desperate need of water, yet, not a single drop falls!”

‘Really? This guy is complaining about the weather? Celestia doesn’t even control the weather! You’re an idiot.’

You decide it is about time to play the role of ‘The Knight in Shining Armor’ and save your damsel in distress from the boredom she must tragically endure.

“I do not know why Princess,” the pony continues, “but the Weather Factory Manager is out to destroy my business and my beautiful vineyard. He simply must-“

“Hey honey!” You shout in greeting, about three-quarters of the way through the room by this point.

Both the complaining stallion and your fortunate Princess look up to see you. The stallion looks pretty pissed. You can hardly blame him. Being interrupted is extraordinarily annoying, but so is having to listen to somepony bitch about a problem that is one: not in your control; and two: not really a problem anyway.

Celestia, however, looks relieved that you’re here. The smile on her face suddenly seems more genuine as she gazes upon you. But, she is still working, and your unprofessional attitude may be considered as controversial.

“Good evening, sweetie,” she responds in an even tone. “I’m sorry but I can’t help you right now. I’m working.”

“Don’t worry hon,” you yawn. “I brought you some lunch.” You hand her the box containing the sandwich, and she grips it in her magic. “I wouldn’t want you to go hungry. We all forget to eat, especially after working as hard as you have.” You kiss her cheek.

This isn't the first time you've brought Celestia lunch. But it is the first time you've brought her lunch with a line of annoyed ponies behind you. You couldn't care less of what they think of you, so the dirty looks you are inevitably receiving at this very moment do not bother you. Thankfully, Celestia doesn't seem to mind either.

Celestia could easily have the ponies working in the kitchen make her something, but eating out every once in a while is good for you. At least, you think so.

“That’s very thoughtful of you, dear,” she whispers, pulling you in with her giant wing, “but I need to get back to work. And these ponies do not seem pleased with your interruption.”

“That’s fine, keep working. I just want to sit her with you for a little while.”

She smiles at you, kisses you on the lips, nuzzles your neck. You and Celestia are no strangers to showing your affection for each other in public; it gives the gossip magazines something to write about. You take a seat as she asks the complaining stallion to continue with his story.

You decide to sit next to Celestia, on the floor, considering there is only one chair, and eat your sandwich. Her throne isn’t even a throne really. It’s basically just a raised platform, made of gold, with a large cushion at the top. Ponies usually don’t sit in chairs. They exist, but they generally prefer to use cushions or bean bag chairs.

You listen as the stallion complains about his vineyard. You couldn’t care less. You just sit there and think. You begin to think of you and Celestia doing very dirty things on her throne, but decide to stop those thoughts immediately, lest you become aroused and are forced to walk back to the barracks, through the streets of Canterlot, with a raging boner.

You finish your sandwich far before the stallion finishes his story. You check your watch, and notice you used an entire hour for a lunch break. Being an officer has its’ privileges, but you still have a lot of paperwork to do. You sigh.

You get up and prepare to leave the Throne Room, but are stopped by a force on your arm. Celestia grabs your arm, not with her magic, but with her forelegs, and pulls you in for a hug. After pulling you in, she wraps her giant, white wings around your body, and squeezes you tighter.

“I love you,” she declares for all her present citizens to hear.

“I love you too, honey. I’ll see you later tonight, OK?” you respond.

She takes a deep breath. “OK.” She slowly releases her grip on you, but not before giving you a deep, loving kiss, right in front of all her subjects.

The world seemingly melts around you two, as you are lost in a euphoric sensation. You become unaware of the line of ponies as you kiss. You wish it would never end.

But all good things must come to an end. As does your loving kiss with your Sun Goddess. You both slowly pull away at the same time, and slowly open your eyes. Celestia’s radiant purple eyes welcome you back to reality, as you become aware once more of the ponies in the room. Nopony speaks. Nopony moves. Just complete and utter silence.

She quickly nuzzles your cheek, before saying goodbye another time.

“I’ll see you tonight, my beautiful Princess.” You say as you finally turn and begin the long walk out of the room. The complaining stallion doesn’t say a word until you are almost entirely out of the room.

==========

The walk back to the barracks is an uneventful one. As they usually are. The guards at the Castle’s gate, now being able to recognize you, allow you to pass with no words exchanged. Just the way it should be.

You reach the barracks and, as it usually is after lunch break, almost completely silent. You walk through the library and into the weight room, to only see one pony lifting weights. After lunch break, most soldiers choose to go on another break. You can’t blame them. Equestria is a very peaceful country. They haven’t been to war in hundreds of years, so a military is just for show.

Every couple of months or so, the 1st legion will get dressed up in their shiny silver uniforms and march in a parade through the streets of Canterlot. That’s really all you do. You’re just for show.

So most soldiers will spend their afternoons napping, playing cards or various games, or, pretty rarely, exercising.

You’re not really concerned though. You have too much work to do to care what they do. As long as they’re sober and in the building, it doesn’t really matter.

You walk into your office and are greeted by the familiar scene of paperwork piling up, higher and higher on your desk. It’s going to be a very long day.

Fuck…

Chapter 2: Late Night

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So… Much… Pain.

There is not a single part of your entire body that doesn’t hurt. Your legs feel like they’re on fire. Your arms are aching terribly. Your head is spinning, even with your eyes tightly shut. Even your toes are in pain.

You attempt to move your arms, but, shockingly enough, you are in far too much pain to do as much as wiggle your fingers.

You don’t know if it’s daytime or what. Your eyes are closed, and you can’t open them, try as you might.

You decide to just lie in the position you are currently in. Not like you have a choice.

‘Somebody! Please! Help me!’ you find yourself shouting in your head. Every time you try to physically shout, all it results in is a violent fit of coughing, which does nothing to help your injured stomach and chest.

You don’t know if you’re bleeding. You might be. It doesn’t really matter. You’re probably going to die no matter what. It doesn’t seem like anyone is around you to help.

You’re eyes have stopped working, but you’re other senses still seem to be turned on. You can hear birds chirping, a gentle breeze going by, and people talking.

People talking…

People...?

You hear people talking! You can’t make out any words, or how far away they are, but they are definitely there. You listen intently to their conversation and pray to God that they see you. Their voices sound like whispers, but you can still barely hear them.

“Oh sweet Celestia! What is that?!” You hear a female voice with an accent say.

‘Is that British woman talking about me?’ you ask yourself. ‘What does it look like I am?! I’m a very injured man! Call an ambulance!’

“What is what?” you hear another female voice say. This one had a very thick southern accent.

‘What country am I in? Just call an ambulance! I’m going to die!’

“That thing over there!” The British accent yells. “Oh my! It looks hurt!”

‘Yes. Yes I am,’ you think very calmly. ‘Now, please, call an ambulance.’

The southern accented woman speaks next. “Woah nelly! What in the hay is that thing?”

You are getting very frustrated. ‘I’m an injured man! What does it look like! Just call a damn ambulance!’

“I do not know, Applejack.” The British one says. “But we must find Twilight right now. She’ll know what it is. But we really must get a doctor.”

‘What the hell’s an ‘Applejack’? Wait! They said doctor! Thank Christ and Muhammed and Moses! Get me to a doctor!’ You begin to feel extraordinarily lightheaded. Even more so than you did a few moments prior.

“Do y’all think we can carry him?” The southern voice inquires. “He looks a little too beat up for us to just pick ‘im up.”

You begin to feel as though you are spinning. You’re not moving, so why are you spinning all of a sudden?

“I suppose not. But then what should we do?”

“You stay here, I’ll get Twilight and Nurse Redheart. Just… make sure he don’t move none.”

That’s the last thing you heard before falling into peaceful unconsciousness…

==========

Smell. The first of your senses to return to you. You take a deep breath.

‘Eh, it smells like disinfectant,’ you think, taking another breath. ‘Way too much disinfectant.’

You decide to try and open your eyes. After a few seconds of struggling, your eyes finally squint open. You quickly take in your surroundings, as another one of your senses, hearing, turns on.

You look straight up. You see a white roof. Nothing special. You hear beeping. The kind of beeping one would hear on a heart monitor on all of those hospital shows.

You turn your head to the right and your gaze settles upon, not surprisingly, a heart monitor. You are a little worried, but more relieved that you’re finally in a hospital. And alive.

You look behind the heart monitor to see the sun high in the sky. It was one in the morning when you crashed your car. You wonder if it’s currently the day of or the day after your crash. But it doesn’t really matter. You’re alive. You hope your hospital bill isn’t too much. Health insurance only covers so much. And your car…

That thing is probably destroyed. Hopefully you can get it fixed at a decent price. If it’s still intact, that is. Cars are expensive, and you are poor.

You look down at your body. You figure you should look at the extent of your injuries. You try to lift your right arm to pull back the covers, and find out you can’t. You begin to panic a little. You crane your neck in an attempt to look at your immobile arm. You look down and see that your right shoulder is bandaged, along with the entirety of your arm, except your elbow, where tubes and cables are connected.

You try your left arm instead, which seems to be working.

You first move your left arm, which is bandaged, but not as heavily as your right arm, out from underneath the blanket. You move the blanket slowly off of yourself.

The first thing you see is your chest. You expected to see a hospital gown covering your form, but that does not appear to be the case.

‘Strange,’ you think. ‘Every patient in those hospital shows had to wear a gown. Why don’t I get one?’

It’s silly to complain about, but you have nothing else to do, so complaining is fun. And you would’ve liked to wear one of those things. They’re very fashionable. They match the curtains.

White bandages cover your chest. There are some splotches of red in a few places, but not a lot, just a few drops. You’re not very concerned. After all, you are in a hospital.

You decide to further examine your injured body. You push the covers down further to inspect your most sensitive area.

Your stomach is bandaged as well, but your exposed genitals are not. ‘Thank the Lord!’ you exclaim internally. You try to sit up to see what your legs are like. But you can’t sit up.

Your back is killing you, and refuses to allow you to move. After a few minutes of trying to reason with your sore back, you give up, and stare at the ceiling.

‘I should thank those two girls who found me,’ you think. ‘It took them a while to think logically, but if it wasn’t for them, I guess I’d still be in my wrecked car. Or wherever I was.’

You hear a few people walking down the hall. They must be wearing high heeled shoes or something because of the way their feet sound. ‘Doctors don’t wear high heeled shoes. Right?’

The people stop walking simultaneously right outside your door. One of them knocks on your door.

“Excuse me, sir,” you hear a male voice say, “Might I come in? I’m Doctor Feel-Good.”

“Of course,” you find yourself squeak out.

‘What did he say his name was?’ you question internally. You’re pretty sure you misheard. There is no way that’s his name.

Just then, the golden door knob starts glowing brown. ‘What the hell?’

The door opens entirely and in walks a… horse?

You smile. This must be a joke. A clever way to make hospital patients cheer up by dressing up a little brown horse in a lab coat, stethoscope, and glue an ice cream cone on its’ head.

Your smile immediately leaves your face as you hear the horse speak.

“Good evening, I’m-“

“Jesus Christ!” you interrupt screaming. You try scrambling backwards, but it is very difficult to move.

“Who?” The horse asks you.

“How are you talking to me?! What drugs did the doctors give me?!”

“I just gave you some small sedatives to help you sleep and few things for your injuries.” He replies quickly. “Please calm down. I need to-“

“What do you mean? What drugs could a horse have given me?!” You are extremely worried now. You can hear your heart monitor beeping faster and faster. “I have to get out of here! Right now.” You try to get out of bed.

“No!” the horse doctor yells. “Don’t get up! Stay where you are!” his horn begins glowing.

You lift your left arm and begin trying to remove the plugs in the exposed areas of your right arm.

“Don’t do that! Stop!” the doctor continues to yell, advancing on you.

Just as your left hand reaches the tube in your arm, you feel something touch your foot. You quickly glance down to see the doctor’s horn pressed lightly against your foot. Very quickly, everything goes black.

==========

The day has dragged on forever. By this time, you must’ve written at least 60 of the 80 recommendation forms. You probably could’ve written more, if you didn’t have various soldiers interrupting you throughout the day to ask you random questions. Or if you had a computer. Typing is way easier than writing with a quill and ink, but with a computer comes all of its’ distractions… like porn. And you like porn.

You have progressively become more and more pissed off at these constant interruptions in your work. After the thousandth interruption, you took a sticky note, put it on the door, and wrote, “If you open this door, you will be sent to the gulag for 25 years hard labor. Stop asking me shit!”

Equestria doesn’t even have a gulag. But you could probably have a few loyal Guardsponies build you one explicitly for those who dare to interrupt you. But, like all of your brilliant ideas, Celestia probably wouldn’t allow you to do that.

You feel brain-dead. With the combination of writing recommendations and answering dumb questions, you feel exhausted.

You contemplate just leaning back and falling asleep in your swivel chair.

Before you can think any further, you hear your door opening. ‘Sompony is going to die today,’ you think to yourself.

You look up to see Mace holding a giant white bag in his teeth, walking through your door.

“Mace,” you begin, not trying to hide how exhausted you feel, “are you aware that I now have to send you to a gulag?”

He rolls his eyes and sets the white bag on your desk.

“Do you know how hard it’s going to be for me to build and actively operate a gulag?” you ask him. “I can barely do this job!”

“Sorry for bringing my Lieutenant some dinner,” he says.

“Dinner?” you look up at the clock and see that it’s 8:30. “Oh, shit.”

Mace chuckles. “You’ve been working forever. Just thought I’d bring you something.”

“Mace,” you respond on the verge of tears of happiness, “that is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.”

He laughs again. “Just eat.” He pulls over another chair from the far end of the small office. “If this is the nicest thing anypony has ever done for you, you probably don’t have any friends. Or parents. Or a girlfriend. Which you do.”

You ignore Mace as he rambles. You love Mace and all, but listening to him go on and on about things takes a lot out of you. You open the bag and peer in at the contents.

“God damnit, Mace!” you find yourself shouting without even realizing.

He reaches into his saddle bags and pulls out another white bag with his magic before looking at you. “What’d I do? I brought you food!”

You have to suppress the sudden urge to murder. “You didn’t bring me food! You brought me those damn tofu wings!”

“Ha!” he yells out the word. “My bad. That bag is mine. This,” he levitates over a different white bag, “is yours.”

You take the bag open it, and see a salad. ‘Oh thank you, Jesus!’

You take the salad out, take a fork out, and immediately begin eating. ‘This is the greatest thing I’ve ever eaten.’

The salad itself is nothing special. It’s just a bunch of green and purple leaves with croutons and salad dressing. But because you’re so hungry, it tastes like heaven. That is, if heaven could taste like anything.

Mace un-wraps his tofu shit and begins eating as well. You guys talk about… nothing really, until you are both almost done.

“Hey,” Mace pipes up, “there’s a hoofball game in a half an hour. Wanna go?”

You love hoofball. The entire sport is basically American Football but with ponies (which makes it way better). Unicorns can’t use magic, pegasi can’t use wings, and ponies can carry the ball any way they want to, including their mouths and tails.

You know you can’t go, but you decide to carry on the conversation anyway. “Who’s playing?” you ask.

“Canterlot vs. Cloudsdale,” he says smiling. “I got 20 bits on the Hurricanes. Sherman seems to think Canterlot’s gonna win, but there is no way that’ll happen after the way they lost to Fillydelphia last week.”

You shake your head. “You’re both insane. It’s a preseason game. Anything can happen. No use in betting over it.”

“Look,” Mace counters, “when the Cloudsdale Hurricanes come to town, bet on ‘em. Trust me, it’s a safe bet. Blue Jays are going down.” He smiles, proud of himself.

“You’re a genius,” you say sarcastically.

“I know,” he responds proudly. “So, you want to go? The game’s at Madison Octagonal Garden. Tickets are cheap too. Or do you want to get in our bet?”

“I wish I could, but I’m exhausted, and I have a bed with my name on it.” You yawn. “I should probably get back home soon. Celestia’s probably wondering where I am.”

“Aw, c’mon!” he pleads. “We haven’t seen you all day! Just go for like, the first half. I’ll pay for half of your ticket too! C’mon buddy.” He gives you his best puppy dog eyes.

“That look never works on me unless it’s from Celestia. Or someone who isn’t so abnormally ugly.” Mace scowls at you.
“Besides,” you continue, “I’ve been working too long today for your sake. Y’all should let me just go home and rest so I can finish tomorrow.”

He sighs. “Fine. But hey, come out to drink with us tomorrow. Vinyl and Octavia will be there, and they really want to see you again.”

You yawn again. “Alright, I’ll see if I can. No promises though.” You first met Vinyl and Octavia when you came to Canterlot. They seemed like a very odd couple when you first met them (yes they’re a couple in my story), but they compliment each other perfectly. And they both love you. Who doesn’t?

You collect your trash in your bag and rise from your chair. “I should get going. It’s late and I’m tired. Have fun at the game, though.”

“Oh, I will,” he said smiling.

“See ya tomorrow.” You say as you both exit the building. “Oh, and you can drink, but just don’t get drunk. If you do, I will make your life a living hell.”

“Relax,” he says waving his foreleg, “I haven’t been drunk in like, a month. Besides, Pike will be there too, and he’s never drunk. So don’t worry. We’ll all be sober in the morning. Promise.”

“Alright,” you say fist bumping Mace. “See you tomorrow. Let me know who wins by the way.”

“All right buddy. Later.” Mace takes a right out of the building towards Madison Octagonal Garden, and you go left towards the Castle. Your legs are exhausted from lack of use today, and you just want to lay down on a dirty Canterlot bench and fall asleep. But the benches probably won’t fit you, but Celestia’s bed will.

Time to go home.

==========

You walk through the guarded front gates of the massive Castle, and ascend the grand staircase slowly. You want to run into the Castle, go into your room, grab Celestia, and fall asleep. But you’re too tired to move faster than a shuffle.

‘Well, it is only 10:00. Maybe Celestia and I can do something besides sleeping…’

You suddenly become aware that you are quickly becoming excited. You feel more awake, and much more aroused, so you decide to hurry along to your bedroom.

After walking up the 327 stairs of various staircases, you finally reach your bedroom. The doors are closed, with two Royal Guardsponies standing stoically outside. You know these two guards without having to ask.

Lieutenant Maverick and Sergeant Eagle Eye. These two unicorns guard your bedroom from 9:30 at night to 5:30 in the morning four days a week. Royal Guards are supposed to keep totally silent and perfectly still, but doing that for 8 hours, especially at night four times a week, is seemingly impossible. So, Celestia has allowed them to talk, as long as they’re awake and always watching. Besides, it’s not like they’re going to wake you or Celestia up. Your bedroom door has a soundproof spell on it. Noises don’t get in, noises don’t get out. Unfortunately your balcony doors don’t have a soundproof spell, so it would seem Luna can hear you rather well. Heh heh.

“Hey Maverick,” you yawn as you approach them. Both of them look over at you. “Do you feel the need – the need for speed?!” you smile, proud of yourself for making such a clever joke. If Eagle Eye’s name was Goose, you’d probably be even more proud of yourself.

“What?” he asks, completely oblivious.

“Nothing,” you continue to smile. Even though they will never get it, you do, and that’s all that matters right now. You rub your eyes in an attempt to wake yourself up a little more.

“Busy day, Lieutenant?” Maverick asks.

“Yeah,” you laugh. “I guess you could say that. Writing 80 recommendations is pretty tiring.”

“Oh shit!” Maverick exclaims. He facehoofs. “I completely forgot. Shining is going to be so pissed!”

Eagle Eye looks a little confused. “What are you talking about?”

You decide to answer. “Officers had to write recommendation letters today for whoever they are directly in charge of. Looks like Maverick forgot.” You can’t help but smile at his misfortune.

“What?!” Eagle Eye turns to Maverick, shoving his hoof in his chest. “So you’re the reason I haven’t been promoted! I’d kill to be an officer, and you’re not even doing you’re work! I could really use that money…”

“It’s not that much more money,” you inform him.

“Coming from the guy who lives with royalty.” Good point.

“You got me on that one. But what does it matter to you? You’d probably just keep all the money you get in the bank until you die. You’re the cheapest pony I know.”

“At least I’d have it,” he mutters.

“Well,” you continue, “anything interesting happen with you guys since last night?”

“No,” Maverick mutters. “Nothing interesting besides the fact that I’ll probably get demoted for being an idiot tomorrow.”

“Oh, I found out I’m lactose intolerant today!” Eagle Eye jumps in. “You see, I was about to leave for work, when I-“

“Shut up, idiot,” Maverick sighs. “Just… shut… up.”

You decide that Maverick needs some cheering up. “Don’t worry Maverick, Shining will understand. I’ll talk to him for you tomorrow morning. ‘K?”

He quirks an eyebrow. “And just how do you plan on doing that?” he asks.

“I’m going to make him an offer he can’t refuse,” you say in a terrible rendition of Marlon Brando.

Maverick and Eagle Eye look really confused.

“What?” they both ask.

You exhale. It’s pretty nice that you can make inside jokes, but it sucks that you can only make them with yourself. You think they’re funny, but everypony else is left baffled by you quoting movies. You’re proud of yourself for making two allusions in a row, but disappointed that nopony will ever understand you.

“Nothing. Jesus. I’ll just talk to him about it. Don’t worry.”

He exhales. “Thanks. Y’know, humans are really nice.” He quietly adds, “Even if you say weird shit all the time.”

“Woah!” you say, addressing his first statement. “Don’t go that far. Let’s just say that I’m a nice human.” Your voice drops. “Most humans suck.”

He laughs. “I’ll take your word for it.”

“G’night gentlemen,” you say as you shuffle forward. They open the door for you, and you step inside.

==========

The doors shut behind you, and you are immediately blinded by the darkness of your bedroom. Despite the fact that Equestria has electricity, Celestia never uses it. Instead, she only uses candles and the light of her sun. She didn’t have electricity for thousands of years, so she never got around to using it, you guess. You don’t really care. But every night when you walk through the door, you have to readjust your eyes to the darkness of your bedroom.

The adjustment comes quickly due to the fact that there is a fire going, and you can see everything around you. The purple walls, the open balcony doors, your dresser, your bed, but most importantly, your Princess.

She is sitting on her giant purple cushion, next to her huge yellow pillow, in front of your blazing fireplace. She’s reading and writing letters with the soft smile that’s always adorning her face. You begin your walk over towards her.

She looks up from her letters. “Good evening, honey. You’re home awfully late today.”

You yawn. “I know.”

‘I’ve been yawning a lot lately,’ you think to yourself.

You take off your shirt and throw it on the floor next to the bed. “I did more writing today than I ever did when I was in school.” You kick your shoes off, and throw your socks on top of your discarded shirt. “How was your day? Anything interesting happen for the ruler of Equestria?”

“Something interesting happens every day when you’re Princess,” you hear her say. “Though, I must say, the most interesting thing to happen today was your interruption.”

You shrug. “I saw that you were in great peril, and like the charming prince that I am,” you say placing a hand on your chest, “I saved my Princess.” You slip off your pants and underwear.

“You know, if I wasn’t Princess, that stallion definitely would’ve started yelling at you. And me for that matter.

“If he would’ve begun to get angry, I wouldn’t be able to defend you. I know I’d be mad if I was him.” She turns her attention back to her letters.

You smile. “Well it’s a good thing you are Princess then, isn’t it?” you walk over to where she is laying and cuddle against her side.

Celestia drapes her wing over you. You decide to continue conversation. “So, what’d you tell the guy who was complaining when I was there?”

“Well, as Princess, it is my duty to alert the Manager of the Weather Factory in Cloudsdale of his concerns,” she says proudly.

“I thought you didn’t have any control over the weather.” You reach your hands up to the top of wing, and begin gently rubbing.

“Oh, I don’t. I just wanted him to leave the Throne Room. I don’t want ponies to think they can get whatever weather they need just because they ask me for it. If they have any concerns, they can talk to the weather ponies.”

Your back is pressed against Celestia’s side. You are facing your bed which stands on the opposite end of the room, away from your fireplace. You continue to rub Celestia’s wing which currently acts as a blanket for your naked form.

You close your eyes and listen to the noises of the room. You hear the unmistakable sound of a quill on paper. Celestia always takes her time to respond to just about every letter she receives every single day. Which is ridiculous. Can you imagine trying to respond to every email you have ever gotten? Including spam? That’s just crazy. But Celestia does it, and you almost admire her for it, if it wasn’t such a waste of time.

You close your eyes and focus your attention on the sound of the crackling fire. You love fire. It’s so warm and relaxing. Unless the fire is outside of the fireplace. If your house or clothes are on fire, that’s terrifying. But when it’s in a fireplace, it is rather relaxing.

Realizing that you were literally just thinking about why you love fireplaces, you decide to make an attempt to make better use of your private time with your Princess. After a few minutes of rubbing Celestia’s wing and thinking, your mind hatches an ingenious plan, which you will put into action immediately.

You roll out from under Celestia’s wing before her wing retracts to her side. You sit down again, only this time, you’re on Celestia. You straddle just above her flanks, and begin to massage her back. Her job is very stressful, so she can get pretty tense. You try to alleviate that tension with your fingers. After all, you are the only creature in Equestria with fingers.

You peek over her shoulder. “Who are you writing to, hon? Anypony important?” You move your hands up and down her back.

She giggles. “Nopony that you need to concern yourself with, dear. Just the usual. You got some mail as well. I put it on top of your dresser.”

“Eh, I’ll read it later. When was the last time Twilight sent you a friendship report?” You and Celestia both enjoy reading Twilight’s letters. You find it fascinating that the star pupil of the Princess, herself, has taken so long to learn anything about friendship.

Celestia takes a moment to ponder this as you massage her back. “Hmm, about a week I suppose. I must say, I am very happy that she is making friends. I didn’t like that she was always in the castle with nopony to talk to except Spike and myself. I don’t think that was very healthy. But she seems happy now. And I am as well.”

Celestia smiles at you as she turns her head slightly. You quickly move your body up to deliver her a quick kiss before she turns back to her letters.

“How’d the rest of your day go? Anypony else ask you for anything you can’t give?”

“Hmm, no. Everypony else had – oh yes, please keep doing that – legitimate concerns…” her voice begins to get quieter as she relaxes more. “After that, I met with the governor of Canterlot.”

You can tell Celestia is liking this massage more and more as it goes on. Her wings begin to rise involuntarily from her sides as you continue to massage her lower back. Her horn, which was previously shining its’ bright golden glow when she is performing magic, has significantly dimmed as she continues to levitate a scroll in front of her.

You scoot yourself up Celestia’s back so that your thighs are gently touching the base of her outstretched wings. You move your hands up and begin kneading her shoulders gently.

“And how did your meeting go?” you ask in a tone just above a whisper.

You feel Celestia’s breathing get slower. You can’t see her face, but you can almost guarantee that her eyes are closed.

“Hmm?” she sighs. She doesn’t seem to be paying much attention to your polite questioning. But you don’t really mind.

“Your meeting,” you whisper. “How’d it go?” You struggle to suppress yawn as you move both of your hands towards her outstretched wings.

“Oh,” she says as if just remembering something blatantly obvious. “It was nothing special. We merely discussed the crime rate, taxes, and complaints from the nobility. Nothing out of the ordinary. For Canterlot at least.”

“Hmm,” you coo. “That’s good.”

You rub her wings as gently as you can while trying to also be firm. Celestia is probably completely aware of your motives. She should know that when you come home and give her massage, you would like her to return the favor in some way.

Your fingers begin to knead harder into her wings. It’s important that you start slow, but gradually increase your pressure as the massage goes on. Celestia likes that the most. She doesn’t use her wings very often, she rarely flies, so you will often see her with them outstretched or tucked into her sides at various points in the day.

You are, by no means, a professional masseuse. You don’t consider yourself to be one and never have. But you may as well be one considering how Celestia melts under your touch. For whatever reason, watching Celestia relax turns you on even more.

Celestia’s horn is still shining a very dim gold, but she isn’t holding anything. Whenever Celestia is aroused her horn will involuntarily glow. It’s pretty faint, but because your room is so dark, it’s pretty easy to spot. Another sign of arousal is that her wings will become stiff and erect, as they are right now in your hands.

The etheral, gentle breeze that is always blowing Celestia’s mane at all times of the day has significantly slowed. This only happens when she is extraordinarily relaxed. And when Celestia is relaxed, you are happy for two main reasons. One- you are happy that she can escape the stress of her everyday life. Two- because it means that Celestia is much easier to seduce.

After living with the Pegasus Goddess for as long as you have, you know where her wings are most sensitive. You even know how to preen her wings, if she ever needs you to. She usually does it herself, but there are those occasions where you will take over.

You decide the massage is over. It isn’t getting you anywhere anyway. You don’t want to make Celestia too relaxed, or she may fall asleep.

You bend down to kiss the back of Celestia’s neck delicately. Nothing more than a light but loving brush of your lips on her soft fur. Just to see how your Princess will react.

The reaction you get, you believe, is a positive one. She sighs as your lips touch her neck, the golden light surrounding her horn dims further, and she even flaps her wings couple of times, pushing her slightly off the ground.

If Celestia wasn’t turned on a few minutes ago, she definitely is now. You guess Celestia is not used to being aroused. A few thousand years of being totally alone in the position of ruler of an entire country can do that to someone. She’s never spent an intimate moment with anyone before you, so when she becomes aroused, she doesn’t know what to do with her body.

You find her squirming underneath you absolutely adorable. Your Princess is merely an instrument, and you get to play her anyway you want to. The more she wiggles and writhes, the hotter the room becomes.

You slide down her waist so you are resting above your flanks. You reach your arms down and bring them to rest on her. You begin caressing her flank, gently at first, but you quickly begin kneading the delicate area much harder and with more passion as you hear Celestia’s breathing quickens.

You decide to continue with your teasing. You slide yourself up again and press your bare chest against her back, beginning to pepper her neck with kisses. You nip at her sensitive neck with your teeth, eliciting small gasps and quiet moans of pleasure from the Sun Goddess.

Celestia, it would seem, has had enough of your playfulness. The room gets a little brighter as Celestia’s horn flares and you’re surrounded by a golden aura.

The next thing you know, you are on your back, on the giant purple cushion, with Celestia on top of you.

You quickly glance over to where Celestia was sitting just few seconds prior to you being unceremoniously dumped on your back. Where Celestia was previously lying, right next to where you are now, sits a giant wet spot comprised solely of Celestia’s juices.

‘Wow,’ you think. ‘She was really getting into that massage.’

You are quickly dragged out of your thoughts as Celestia connects her lips with yours. The sensation is almost indescribable. Her lips are soft and moist and…just… absolutely perfect! You cannot think of a single thing wrong with the way she kisses, inexperienced as she may be.

You feel something poke at the entrance of your mouth. You part your lips reflexively as Celestia slides in her tongue. Your tongues connect as hers dances around your mouth. It runs over your teeth, around your cheeks, and, finally, passes over your tongue as you begin to push back.

You push both tongues into her mouth, doing the same for her as she did for you. Your tongues battle ferociously before you slowly and deliberately withdraw.

You break the kiss and rest your head on the cushion underneath you as you gaze into the half-lidded eyes of your love. You can see the lust in her eyes. You know she wants you. And who are you to deny her?

You quickly wrap your arms around her sides and roll over. Celestia gives a surprised yelp as she finds herself on her back. Her wings, which have been stiff and erect since the beginning of the massage, now rest on either side of her gorgeous body.

Celestia always wears her crown, necklace, and horseshoes. Even when she’s just reading the mail in the privacy of your room, she is generally wearing her Royal clothing. You quickly remove her crown and slide her necklace over her head. You slide them across the floor and away from your cushion.

It’s always exciting to undress Celestia. Because ponies are naked their entire lives, you get used to being surrounded by naked ponies, obviously enough. You find that ponies are much more alluring when they are wearing something. It’s strange how one can seemingly wear less by wearing more.

You kiss up her foreleg until you reach her hoof. You take it off and slide it across the floor to join the discarded crown and necklace. You give her other foreleg a similar treatment before she tucks in her legs into her chest.

You return to her face again, but instead of aiming for her lips, you go straight for her neck. You and Celestia have been together long enough for you to know where she is the most sensitive. And you know that her lower neck is very, very sensitive.

You kiss her neck, lightly at first, before you begin biting and gently pulling at her soft fur. Celestia elicits “ooh”s and “mmm”s of pleasure, which boosts your confidence enough that you decide to venture lower.

You leave a trail of kisses and gentle bites down her chest and stomach. You suck and nibble tenderly on her delicate nipples. Celestia continues to writhe under your gentle yet firm touch. You flick your tongue across her belly before continuing downwards. She responds by giving her fully extended wings a few more flaps.

After much kissing and foreplay, you have finally reached her hind legs, which are tucked into her body.

You immediately take off her remaining two golden shoes and slide them over to join the rest of Celestia’s discarded clothing. You grab one of her legs gently with both of your hands. With one hand, you pull her leg so that it extends away from her body. Your other hand moves to caress her inner thigh.

You move your head towards her leg and begin kissing. You start at the hoof, but slowly work your way down to her calf. You pause to kiss her calf, your other hand continuing to tease Celestia’s thigh.

You sneak a quick glance at Celestia’s face, and are pleased with what you see. Her head is resting on her pillow, her eyes are closed, her ears folded back, her mane gently flowing at an even slower pace than earlier, and her face is flushed.

You continue to kiss down her leg until you reach Celestia’s very moist marehood. The juices that cover her lips and thighs glisten in the glow of the roaring fire, still continuing next to you.

You take a moment to simply stare at the beautiful sight before you. You don’t know how long you were just looking, but when you snap back to your senses, you find your mouth hanging open and slightly drooling. She wants you, and you want her.

You don’t think Celestia has had quite enough teasing. You decide to blow cool air onto her heated mound.

She responds by groaning audibly and wiggling herself uncomfortably. Her wings flap two more times before resting uneasily at her sides again. You grab her flanks with both hands to hold her in place. Teasing can be a lot of fun, but you decide that you have had enough. You decide it’s time to begin.

You give Celestia’s soaked lips a tentative kiss, just wanting to test out her response before you just dive in. Your lips are quickly covered in her juices. You stick your tongue out and run it slowly along her lips. Celestia moans softly at your touch. You continue your licking as Celestia elicits soft moans of pleasure.

You move one hand over and part her lips with your fingers to see her swollen button. You reach out your tongue and stoke her clit. At the same time, you insert two fingers inside of her. You move them in and out of her slowly, listening to her as her breathing quickens.

“Ooooh, yes!” Celestia moans at your touch. “Don’t stop… please.”

Who are you to disobey your Princess? You lap at her nub and move your fingers faster and faster at Celestia’s begging.

Juices continue to pour out of Celestia’s engorged, pink slit. Every time your tongue brushes Celestia’s nub, she moans and cries out your name; begging you for more.

She gaps out your name. “Faster! Oh, rut me harder!” Celestia says, seemingly out of breath.

Because Celestia is asking you so nicely, you are more than happy to continue. Your tongue increases in speed, as do your fingers. Hot, sticky juices absolutely cover your hand, mouth, and chin, but you wouldn’t have it any other way.

“I’m so, so close… mmm,” Celestia moans.

You triple your efforts. Your tongue and hand haven’t worked harder in your life up until this very moment. You lap faster and faster, working your fingers in and out of her so fast your afraid you may start a fire.

You feel her walls begin to tighten significantly around your fingers after a few moments.

“Ah!” Celestia gasps. “I’m… aaah… I’m gonna… I’m gonna…”

Celestia moans one final, long, loud moan as she comes. Hot juice quickly rushes over your face as you drink in everything you can. Her liquid is hot, sticky, and sweet. You love it so much.

After a few long, beautiful moments, your Princess’ orgasm subsides. Celestia stops her squirming as you rise slightly from her nethers, and rest on your knees. You take a few seconds to gaze down upon your Princess.

Celestia’s head is resting against her pillow, her mouth hanging wide open as she gasps for breath. Her mane is still flowing very slowly and her ears are folded back. Your eyes wander across her flawless, curvy, white body.

Her chest is rising and falling rapidly, but her breathing seems to be slowly regulating. Her four legs are tucked against her body.

You begin to think. ‘I truly am the luckiest man in-‘

You never get to finish that thought as the room is quickly bathed in a blinding golden light. You recoil slightly as your eyes seem to light on fire. You feel yourself falling backwards but you suddenly stop. You feel as though you are suspended in mid-air.

You’re only floating for a couple of seconds before you are lifted up and, quite literally, thrown across the room.

Luckily, you feel yourself land on a very soft surface, which causes you to bounce up before finally coming to a rest. You open your eyes to see that you successfully landed on your bed.

You also notice Celestia standing and approaching the bed from across the room, her horn still faintly glowing. Her eyes narrow playfully at you as a smile graces her face. You can tell by that smile that Celestia is has already formulated a plan with what she wants to do to you. And quite honestly, you want her to do whatever it is she may be thinking.

Her still erect wings flap twice, propelling her forward and upward at tremendous speed and directly towards you. You yelp out in horror as she lands directly on top of you, pinning you to the soft mattress.

Celestia stands up slightly, looking down at you with a sultry smile. You try to get up as well. You lift the top half of your body up and towards hers, but she stops you with her hoof, and roughly pushes you back down onto the matress.

“Ah, ah, ah,” she admonishes, shaking her head, smile never faltering. "You stay down there." Her horn’s glowing gets a little brighter, and so do your hands and wrists.

Celestia uses her magic to lift up your arms and pin them down against the mattress directly above your head. Celestia’s big, purple eyes never leave yours.

She slowly inches her face closer towards yours. When she is only a few inches away, she sticks out her tongue and licks up your cheek. She pulls back for a second to look you in the eyes.

“Your turn,” she whispers in the most seductive and pleasing tone you have ever heard. She places her head on the side of yours before she begins to nibble on your ear.

The sensation you are currently experiencing is interesting, to say the least. It’s pretty ticklish, but it’s also pretty hot. You can feel Celestia’s flat teeth gently tugging at your ear, her tongue brushing over your skin, her hot breath on the side of your face.

She stops nibbling at your ear and begins biting and licking her way down your body. She kisses your cheek before biting at your neck. You reflexively try to raise your hands as you feel her teeth on your sensitive skin, but alas, you cannot, for Celestia has your hands and arms pinned.

Celestia must have felt you trying to struggle your way out of her magical grip because she begins to giggle as she works her way down your naked form. She doesn’t say anything, but you can tell that she finds your struggling amusing.
You don’t find your struggling amusing. It’s rather annoying. Inconvenient. You want to decide what’ll happen next, but you can’t; you’re pinned to a bed.

Celestia kisses her way down your chest and stomach pretty quickly. You figure that she’s had enough teasing for one night, and has decided to push onward to her ultimate goal.

Her face has finally reached your erect member. She blows cool air across the tip of it, just like you did to her. The cool sensation on the part of you that is most heated nearly causes you to pass out. Your neck gives out and your eyes close involuntarily. The back of your head lightly connects with the soft pillows underneath you.

You feel something very moist run up your entire length. You figure it’s Celestia’s tongue. You want to look up, but you really can’t right now. You just want to enjoy this.

Celestia’s tongue flicks across the tip of your member, throwing you into new waves of untold pleasure. You gasp out at the contact, eliciting more quiet giggling from Celestia. You don’t know what’s so damn funny, but as long as she keeps going, you don’t really care.

You feel your breathing quicken substantially. Sweat begins to form on your forehead, along with most of your body; you can feel it. You want to wipe the sweat away, but you just can’t. It’s just not going to happen.

You feel Celestia’s mouth close around your swollen manhood. She rubs her tongue up and down and around your remember at a rapid pace. You hear Celestia moan.

You gasp at the wonderful contact and raise your head slightly. You see Celestia working her head up and down your member, every so often eliciting a moan of pleasure, her eyes closed. She opens her eyes halfway to look up at your face. You can only look at her for a few seconds before you drop your head back down onto the pillow.

You feel Celestia’s mouth slowly release your member. Your manhood suddenly feels very cold as the warmth of Celestia’s mouth leaves you. You are about to protest, but then you see your Princess crawling up your form.

She smiles down at you, gives you a quick kiss, and positions herself directly on top of you; your manhood lining up with her marehood perfectly. She looks down at herself before she begins pressing down.

The tip of your manhood presses at the entrance to Celestia’s very moist opening. You can feel the heat coming off of her, and it feels divine.

Celestia presses herself down onto you very hard and very quickly. Your manhood is engulfed in Celestia’s slit. You have to do everything you can to keep yourself from exploding right then and there.

Celestia’s eyes suddenly shoot open at the new sensation. She gasps out your name as you slide smoothly inside of her, her juices providing a great natural lubricant.

You simply lie like you are, Celestia on top of you, you inside of Celestia, the both of you breathing heavily. Celestia seems to be trying to get used to the wonderful sensation she has chosen to endure.

Very slowly and deliberately, Celestia begins to raise herself off of you. The feeling of her pulling on you is absolutely amazing. You feel her juices trickle down your length and over your thighs.

Your Goddess slowly slides back down. On the way down, she bites her lip, closes her eyes in bliss, and moans. Obviously enough, she’s enjoying you almost as much as you are enjoying her.

Celestia begins to repeat this process of raising her hips, and lowering them slowly down on top of you. The peak of each thrust accompanied by a low moan from Celestia. You want nothing more than to wrap your arms around Celestia, roll her over, and rut her brains out. But her magic is still keeping you from this. Celestia often moves much too slow for your taste. Whenever you want to take it fast, she takes it slow, and vice-versa.

Celestia’s moans are cute and quiet at first, but grow in volume as her thrusts gradually speed up.

You hear your Princess gasp as she picks up her speed. Her eyes remain tightly closed, her horn dims, but only a little bit, and her wings are fully outstretched by this point.

Celestia quickly leans down and pulls you in for a lustful kiss. Her tongue immediately enters your mouth and begins fighting with yours. She moans into your mouth as her body continues to rub against yours.

You break the kiss, crane your neck, and move your lips to her neck. You pull on her fur with your teeth roughly. You are too blinded by lust and passion right now to care about being gentle. Celestia doesn’t seem to mind as her breathing becomes even more labored and her moans of pleasure become more frequent.

“Oooh yes!” Celestia says shakily, shuddering. “Please!... mmm… d-don’t stop!”

You respond by biting down even harder on her sensitive neck. Celestia finally releases your arms from her magical grip and wraps her forelegs around your back, trying to pull you even closer to her. She pulls you up to her as you move your arms around her back and pull her down further on top of you.

You immediately move both of your hands down to Celestia’s flanks. You grab onto her hard, and force her down on you as you force yourself up.

You know you won’t last very long at this point. With Celestia’s lustful and passionate thrusting, you feel yourself about to peak. She flaps her wings again.

She calls out your name. “I’m… s-so close… ooh… I-I’m…”

She lets out a mix of a scream and a moan as she finally climaxes; her loudest noise of the evening. With the combination of her moaning, her juices pouring down your legs, and her walls closing very tightly around you, you feel yourself climaxing soon after.

You have never experience euphoria like this. Well, that’s not true. You’ve had sex with Celestia before, but tonight just feels… special. You don’t really know. You’re just so happy right now, and you’re glad you can share your happiness with your Goddess.

After Celestia is done with her squirming and groaning, she collapses directly on top of you, her head coming to rest on your shoulder. Your sweat and other various juices mix together as you both struggle to breathe.

You reach up and nibble gently on her ear. As you softly bite down, her ear flickers, a clear sign that Celestia doesn’t want you to. But you do it anyway. You bite down gently and flick your tongue across her soft fur.

Your wrap your arms tightly around Celestia’s back. One of your arms moves to carress her back while the other doesn’t move at all. You’re too tired. Celestia’s wings begin to slowly sag and return to their normal position at her sides.

You feel every part of your Princess as she rests on top of you. You feel her chest rapidly rising and falling. You feel her hot breath running across the hairs on your chest, which is rather ticklish. You run your hands along her curves, outlining her athletic form.

‘This,’ you think tiredly to yourself, ‘this is the greatest moment of my life.’

Whether that is actually true is irrelevant. You just had an orgasm, so everything you think or do from now until you fall asleep, you cannot be held responsible for. You feel like you’re high, and you don’t want it end.

Your breathing regulates and you regain your senses faster than your worn out Princess. You kiss the top of her head before laying your head back down onto your pillow.

Celestia is, without a doubt, exhausted. After waking up before sunrise, running a country all day, and then making you the happiest man in the world, she is probably more than ready to fall asleep.

You feel yourself about to slip into unconsciousness when you feel Celestia begin to move. She raises her lower half off of yours and lays down right next to you. She moves her head so that you are both face-to-face.

“That,” Celestia whispers, still seemingly out of breath, “was amazing.” She nuzzles your cheek with hers before pulling back resting her forehead on yours.

You chuckle. You already knew it was amazing, but you’re glad to hear that she enjoyed it too. It’s nice to please others, especially in the way that you just did.

You glance over at the fireplace to see the fire still burning brightly. You’ve never added any wood to that damn thing but it’s always blazing; except for when you wake up in the mornings.

The light from the fire bathes Celestia in a beautiful orange glow. She smiles softly at you before kissing you fully on the lips.

She breaks the kiss and nuzzles the top of her head under your chin, being careful to avoid stabbing you with her horn. The middle of her horn comes to rest on the right side of your neck, while the top of her head is nestled under your chin.

“I love you,” she whispers sleepily. “I love you so much.”

You smile. “I love you too, honey.” You’ve had a very long day, as did your Princess, and all you want to do is hold Celestia and sleep.

This is the perfect moment. You can’t think of a single thing to change. With the love of your life snuggled up to you, you truly couldn’t be happier.

This moment is perfect.

You never want it to end.

This magic moment.

==========

As always, your alarm goes off far too early this morning. Only, your alarm today sounds very distant… And much different than it usually does.

You try to turn yourself around to throw your alarm across the room, but find that you cannot move. Celestia has you wrapped up in her wings like a caterpillar in a cocoon. You want to turn your alarm off, but you really don’t want to move… but…

Your alarm isn’t going off anymore. ‘What?’ You think groggily to yourself. ‘Why did my alarm stop?’

You don’t have anymore time to think as you hear a great pounding on your bedroom door. At this, Celestia stirs softly.

“Hmm…?” she asks half asleep, pulling you in even closer to herself. “What was that, honey?” She yawns as she attempts to get up. “I’ll get it.”

You yawn. “No hon. I’ll check. Go back to bed.” You push Celestia back down onto the bed. She really needs her rest. After a thousand years of doing her job completely alone, she must be tired. But now that you’re here, you try to help out in any way that you can. You read the clock on the wall.

‘2:30?!’ You exclaim internally. ‘Who the fuck is knocking on my door right now?! Unless the Castle is under siege, there is no reason to wake Celestia up.’

You know the Royal Guards know better than to wake either of you up unless shit is really going down. If someone woke you up for no reason, they will be executed at dawn.

The room is much darker now. The fire must have gone out at some point in the night, not that it matters now. The moonlight bathes your bedroom in a soft white light, but the room is still very dark.

You get out of the bed and immediately begin your walk towards the doors. In your disoriented state, you find yourself almost falling flat on your face on several occasions, but you manage to reach the door.

‘Somepony’s going to die tonight,’ you think to yourself as you put your hands on the door. You take a deep breath before opening the door…

You expect to see Princess Luna or a Royal Guard, but…

Instead, standing in your doorway, in a very heavily guarded Castle, is Sergeant Mace.

Sometimes Princess Luna would come to your door at random hours of the night to get you to talk to. Sometimes, the both of you would just go to her room and talk, walk around and talk, or go wake up Blueblood. Just for the lolz.

Sometimes, very rarely, a Royal Guard will come and retrieve Celestia for some important royal business that Luna cannot handle, but you never inquire about it (cause you don’t care).

But, tonight, at 2:30 in the morning, at your bedroom door, is your subordinate, and friend, Mace.

‘How the hell did he get up here?’ Is your first thought to yourself. ‘Common ponies aren’t allowed this far up the Castle without special clearance… That sounded kind of ignorant. I’m sorry.’

Mace has a huge grin on his face as he looks up at you, as if he is happy to be awake at 2:30. You feel your anger quickly flare inside of you as you see his grin. You are not in the mood to be smiling right now, and you want to punch Mace right in his obnoxious, smiling face.

“Hey Lieutenant!” he practically shouts.

You wince. It is way too early to be shouting. You hope he didn’t disturb Celestia.

His smile suddenly seems to get even larger. “Missing something there, Lieutenant?” he points at your midsection and tries to suppress a laugh.

You glance down at yourself and notice that you are still wearing your birthday suit. The logical part of your brain wants yelp out in embarrassment and slam the door. But the exhausted part of your brain does not seem to care at all. After all, you are in your room.

“Lieutenant, are you trying to seduce me?” he smirks and puts a hoof on his chest.

You look down and gently shake your head. “Enjoy the show while it lasts, queer,” you find yourself saying in a very tired tone.

Mace laughs heartily. You suddenly remember that Mace is at your door, at 2:30 in the morning, for seemingly no reason.

You sigh. “Mace, go home.” You put a fist up to your mouth to cover a yawn. “I’m too tired to put up with anybody right now.”

You begin to turn back into your room, but Mace quickly calls out to you. “Wait! The Chief of the Canterlot Police has asked our Century to personally deal with a problem.”

This shocks you. You are slightly more awake upon hearing that somepony actually needs the military’s help with something. In all your months of living here, you have never seen or heard of the military actually doing anything except marching around and looking sexy.

You turn back around. “Somepony actually needs our help with something?” Mace nods. “Well what is it?”

“Remember the Blue Jays and Hurricane game that I went to tonight?” he asks. You nod. “Well, Canterlot won. Which totally sucks! I lost 20 bits to Sherman! Sherman! Canterlot lost 16 to 5! For one, what kind of hoofball score is that? The game was really messed up, you see. The refs were absolutely-“

“Mace!” you interrupt. He tends to get off topic very easily, which is very irritating at 2:30 in the morning. “Why the hell are you here?!”

“Oh, right,” he says. “Anyways, during hoofball games, everypony gets drunk, right?” You nod affirmatively. “Well, after the game ended, and Canterlot won, all the drunk fans decided to go get drunk. Crazy, right?

“So they all go out and hunt for an open bar, right? Well, the only one still open at 2 in the morning is The Clover. The one just a block down the road from the barracks? You know the one. We go there all the time.

“So,” Mace pauses for a quick breath. “Then, like 100 ponies head on over to The Clover, and begin getting drunk. Again!” His voice suddenly drops. “Lucky bastards.”

“What was that?” you know what he said, but ask anyway.

“Nothing,” he replies quickly. “So then, these ponies start drinking and yelling about how Canterlot won, and how they’re so good. The drunk ponies start running around and breaking things. Well, Mulligan, the bar owner, you know him, tried to kick them all out.

“Somepony threw a bottle of something at him. He dodged it, but immediately got out of there. He told the Police Chief everything, then the Police Chief came to us. Now I’m here to get you.”

You simply stand there for a few moments, processing all the information just dumped into your tired skull.

“So…” you begin. “We are needed for… riot control?” you yawn.

“Basically,” he shrugs and looks to the side before looking back up at you. “But if you really want to, we can just rush them with swords.” You just stare at him for a few moments with a look on your face that says ‘You are the epitome of mental retardedness.’

He sighs. “Fine. Can we just go? I already wasted 20 minutes just trying to get through all your damn guards, and five more here. So let’s go!” he jumps up in the air, as if this is going to be the most exciting thing of his life. And as an Equestrian soldier, it probably will be.

You yawn again as your body tries to wake itself up. “Alright. Give me a sec. I needs to grab my clothes.”

You close the door and walk back into your room. Your eyes quickly readjust to the darkness of your room. You want to go back to bed, but you know you can’t. You have work to do.

You groggily approach your dresser, open it, and feel around for some clothes. ‘Let’s see here,’ you think. ‘I need underwear, and… that’s it really.’

As you search around for a pair of underwear, you suddenly feel something pull you to your right, and down onto the bed.

Celestia quickly wraps you up in her forelegs and squeezes your head into her chest.

“Honey!” Celestia groans tiredly. “Come back to bed.” She draws out the last word in the most adorable fashion you have ever heard. Celestia pulls you up so that you are both face-to-face and kisses you, before nuzzling your neck.

You don’t want to get up. Especially not now. But your new country needs you. So you must, unfortunately, leave your Princess.

“I wish I could stay, my dear,” you whisper, “but I need to go.”

Celestia stretches. “But why?!” she groans again. “It’s nighttime. Tell Luna to do it.”

You laugh at Celestia’s usual response to Equestria’s nocturnal problems. Celestia is not a night person. She may be able to wake up in the morning and be cheerful as could be, but before she goes to bed, and during the night, she can get pretty cranky.

“I’m afraid it isn’t quite that simple. There is a riot starting, just a few blocks from here actually, and I have been asked to stop it.”

Celestia’s ears perk up at hearing this. She pulls back so she can look you in the eye. “But… but you can’t!” she sounds much more awake now than she did a few seconds ago.

Her response confuses you. You raise an inquisitive eyebrow. “Why’s that?”

Celestia’s ears drop as she looks nervously across the room. She bites down one her lower lip. “I…I just…No. I’m not letting you go.”

You shake your head. “Celestia,” you say softly, “I’m going. It’s my job to go. This is the least I could do for you, and the rest of Equestria for that matter.”

“No, the best thing you could do for me is stay here. I’ll get somepony else to go.” She begins to get up. “I’ll-“

“No,” you say with finality, grabbing onto Celestia to keep her from rising. “I’m going, Celestia. I need to go.” She looks down at the bed.

You put your hand on her cheek and turn her face towards yours. She glances at you and your chest a few times before she settles on looking at your chest . You give her snout a quick kiss before nuzzling her cheek with yours.

“I need to go, honey,” you whisper. “It’s something I just have to do. You know that.” You wrap your arms around her in a tight hug. You take a deep breath before finally letting go.

You quickly stand up, put on a pair of underwear, and decide to get fully dressed before leaving your bedroom. You don’t really want to, but you decided to at least look half way decent for the drunken rioting assholes at 2:30 in the morning.

After slipping on your shoes, you finally make your way back over to the bedroom door. Before opening the door, you call back to Celestia.

“I’ll be back in a little while, hon. I love you,” you say. You hope to be back within the next two hours. Otherwise, you won’t be able to go back to bed again.

You wait for Celestia’s response, but you never receive one. ‘That’s weird,’ you think, ‘she always says ‘I love you’ back. Or she’ll at least acknowledge the fact I said something…’

You turn around to look back at Celestia. She is no longer facing towards you or your side of the bed. Rather, she is facing the balcony doors with her back turned to you. You don’t know what to do.

You shrug, open the door, get Mace, and leave.

==========

“What took you so long?” Mace inquires as you walk through the doors of the barracks. “I was waiting outside for like, ten minutes! And those Royal Guards aren’t much for conversation, so I just had to stand there. Pretty awkward.”

You sigh. “Honestly, I don’t really know.”

Thinking back on it, Celestia was acting sort of weird. She seemed unnecessarily concerned with your job. You go to work every day! Nothing bad's going to happen.

“Celestia was acting a little… different. I don’t know how to describe it. Just… different.”

“Is it anything serious?” Mace sounds genuinely concerned as you make your way to your lockers which hold your armor.

You yawn. “I don’t think so. She usually acts pretty strange at night. I guess she’s just tired.”

You walk into the locker room and go to your locker, which is right by the entrance. You don’t know why Equestrian soldiers have lockers, but they do. And they are absolutely massive. You, a human, can easily walk into one of the lockers. The locker holds a pony’s armor, helmet, and knee shields (shields attached to either foreleg knee respectively), but those are just for ponies. Swords are found in the back room, which is securely locked.

You throw on your customized armor. The armor is bright silver, as is the helmet, which has a red crest running horizontally on the top on the top of it. The armor and helmet reminds you of that of the Ancient Roman’s. But your shield is a Greek hoplon. The shields used in the film 300. You painted Celestia’s cutie mark on your shield, so that she is always with you. They let you paint the shield, so you did. It is an aesthetic masterpiece, or so you tell yourself.

Nopony is talking. It’s way too early for friendly conversation. Some ponies after suiting up simply stand up straight and close their eyes for a few minutes. You want to do the same thing, but as their commanding officer, you need to be awake and alert, especially when they are not.

You finish throwing on all of your armor before addressing the stallions. “Attention, everypony!” you yell out as you begin pacing the pathway up and down the center of the lockers. “We have been assigned to control a riot, three blocks away from here. Our objective is simple; we just need to tell these drunken assholes to go home. Sound good?”

“Yes, sir!” was the unanimous chorus of replies.

Good. They sound ready, and by the time you actually arrive on the scene and see the rioters, they should be very much awake.

“Excellent!” you shout in response. “I’m aware that it is very early in the morning; that you are very tired, and you want to kill these rioters. But, unfortunately my dears, that will not be happening tonight.”

You are met with a series of disappointed “aww”s and “oh come on!”s.

You throw up your hands in mock surrender. “Hey! If I could I would. Y’all know that. But Celestia would be pissed. And she is very scary when she is pissed. Think of your Lieutenant for a change!”

“Pretty please!” a soldier calls out.

You chuckle. “I can never say ‘no’ to you Sherman.” You realize you have quickly gotten off topic.

‘At least everypony is awake now.’ You think to yourself. ‘I guess it’s time to do this.’

“All right, everypony!” you regain the room’s undivided attention. “Grab your billy clubs and get in formation in front of the barracks. And remember; do not aim for the head! I’d prefer not to kill anypony tonight. Now move out!”

Everypony grabs the clubs that sit in every locker and file out through the doors. You watch as the ponies go, and prepare yourself for a long night.

Within seconds, the locker room is empty and all of your soldiers are in formation and await your command outside. They are soldiers, and they are in formation. There is no more talking, no looking around. There is only complete silence and stoicism. The epitome of professionalism. You are honored to be in charge of these men, or stallions, same thing.

Your men can carry the night sticks in their mouths or by magic. They were trained to use their magic, but there is still a bite grip on the handle, just in case. Your billy club is just like everypony else’s, but you prefer to carry it in your right hand, rather than your mouth.

You take your position directly at the front and center of the Century, and begin barking out orders. “Century! Forward, march!” you command in a very deep and loud voice.

You and your little ponies march in unison a few blocks to the bar and scene of the riot. On the way towards the scene of the ruckus, you have been developing a strategy. A very simple one, but almost flawless. You take a moment to internally compliment yourself on such a brilliant, yet simple, plan.

“Century, halt!” you command, and everypony around you comes to a very abrupt, yet organized, stop.

You don’t plan to just charge in there and start beating ponies. What is this? Russia? No. This is Equestria, where everything is done pacifistically. You just want to intimidate these fools enough to force them to go home, go to sleep, and wake up with a hangover so big you won’t even pass them on the streets for another week.

“Um,” you think out loud. “Sergeant Mace!”

Mace quickly steps up to you. “Yes sir!”

“Take 40 ponies around the block and wait at the opposite end of the street. Do not move from there unless told otherwise. Understood?”

“Yes sir!” he quickly takes half of your Century around the block, and waits at the other end of the street. So far so good.

You continue to think. “Sherman.”

“Yes sir?” the voice from right next to you asks.

“Find me a bull horn or a megaphone. Something that makes me sound much louder than I am.”

“Right away, sir.” he scurries off to find one. You don’t care where he gets it from, just as long as he gets one.

You look out across the street and gaze at the drunkards meandering about the road. Some are yelling. Some are talking. Some are stumbling around like idiots. One is vomiting heavily, ‘which he absolutely deserves,’ you add in your head. But most walk out of the bar, say or yell something coherent or not, and then go back inside.

You’re surprised this kind of thing hasn’t happened before. Moderate sports fans, such as yourself, enjoy watching and discussing the game, but that’s about it. But die hard sports fans, such as these, paint themselves up, adamantly follow the games, know every single pony on the team, and get wasted after winning a generally crappy preseason game.

“Um,” you hear a voice from next to you say. You look down at Sherman, levitating a bull horn. “Here you are, sir. But if I may ask, what is it for?”

You smile. “Just watch.” You turn to address your half-Century. “I want you all to line up shoulder to shoulder across the end of this street. If anypony tries to get out, hit ‘em.”

You turn back towards the crowd which seems to be slowly amassing in the middle of the road. Some of them are cheering “Blue Jays! Blue Jays!” over and over again as loud and as clearly as their drunken state allows them.

Before it can get worse, you depress the trigger, and begin shouting into the megaphone.

“Attention, assholes!” you begin eloquently. “Do you have any idea what time it is?!” The crowd of ponies stops chanting and turn dumbly to look at you. They all freeze. They know the military is here, and they know they must’ve done something wrong. The crowd turns around to see Mace standing at the other end of the street, looking as intimidating as possible. Their heads whip back to you and your soldiers, then all over, looking for some escape.

But they can’t seem to find one. They stand, frozen in their spots, and stare at you. Some have a look of horror over their face, some seem apathetic, some are oblivious, and some are just drunk and happy, even in the face of the military.

“Do you have any idea what you are doing?!” you continue to yell. “It’s 3 o’clock in the morning, and you are keeping everypony up! Including me! I should have you all thrown in jail for disturbing the peace and waking me up!”

Just about everypony in the crowd folds their ears down and shy away from your yelling. Some try to sneak back into the bar.

“Don’t move! Or we will come over there and get you personally!” they freeze and meander into the center of the short street.

“If you are currently in the bar, and conscious, get out of there and into the street! Right now!” you wait a few seconds as a few ponies walk out of the bar with their heads hung low. They know who you are. Who doesn’t? With the exception of those two new guards, everypony knows you. Or they should, at least. You are dating their Princess. To them, this should be the equivalent of Celestia herself coming to confront them on their antics.

“Good,” you smile. “All right, it’s late and I’m tired, so I’ll make this very easy on all of you.” You pause for a second to make sure they are listening. “I’m going to let you off with a warning. Consider yourselves lucky. And if I ever have to come out at 3 in the morning again to deal with your bullshit, you’re going to jail. Got it?” You are met with silence, which you take a sign to continue.

“Now, I want you all to line up, give me your name and address, and then you can leave. Sound simple?” you receive no reply other than sad, drunken stares. “I’ll take that as a yes. Now, line up!”

They scurry around for a few moments before forming a semi-decent line. Pfc. Pike walks out from behind you, floating a quill, ink, and paper, and goes over to the line of ponies. You march your half-Century over and meet with Mace’s half-Century.

Your 40 soldiers surround all the partiers, making sure none of them try to escape. The rest of your soldiers head into the bar to clear it out, or take up various positions in the street.

Pike always seems so nervous. He is always shaking, as if he is about to freeze to death. He seems jittery, on edge, anxious. You don’t know why. You don’t think he’s under any stress. What’s there to be stressed about? He’s married, has a kid, and has a low-risk, well paying, non-stressful job.

Even while taking the names down, he seems nervous. You know he isn’t afraid, though. He’s a soldier, and during combat exercise you’ve seen him take down some pretty big stallions without hesitation.

You kind of feel bad for him. He has to take down all these names, most of which you can’t even understand. Most of the partiers stumble up to Pike, slur something, and start laughing or mumbling gibberish. You quickly stop feeling bad for Pike as this is probably the most exciting moment of his career.

You know your troops really want to go to bed. They are all trying desperately to stand there and not pass out. The sooner you can get out of here, the better.

After what feels like an hour, Pike seems to be almost finished gathering all the names. Your soldiers begin packing whatever gear they brought after ridding the street of the drunken partiers. There are only five ponies left in line at this point. You stretch your back and think about how lucky Celestia is at this specific moment.

‘She may have had to wake up before sunrise everyday for thousands of years, but at least she’s asleep right now,’ you think to yourself.

You turn around to look at Pike wrapping up with the names. One of the last ponies, a blue unicorn with a black, unkempt mane, comes up.

“Name?” Pike asks in his usual worried tone.

The unicorn mumbles something incoherent and too quiet to actually hear before snorting. Pike asks him again.

“Name? Say it louder, please.” At least he’s asking politely.

The drunken unicorn levitates a full bottle of beer out from behind him, and brings it down hard right on top of Pike’s head.

Pike falls to the ground as your soldiers quickly step into action. Before you can fully comprehend what just happened, one of your men smacks the drunken unicorn right across the mouth with his billy club.

The drunken unicorn spits out blood as he crumples to the ground. Four or five of your soldiers immediately jump on the now unconscious stallion, cuff his fore and hind legs together respectively, and begin dragging him off the street.

You run over to your fallen friend and check for injuries. Well, he’s obviously injured in some way. He just got hit over the head and fell to the ground. But you don’t see any blood, and he is still awake. Both are very good sign.

You take off Pike’s helmet to further examine him. Again, no blood. Good.

“How you feelin’ bud?” you ask your possibly injured friend. “You all right?”

His eyes rotate around in his head before finally stopping and falling upon you. “Princess, I’m a little dizzy,” he says softly before raising a hood to the spot where he was hit. He winces as his hoof touches the spot his helmet previously covered. “Where’s my helmet?”

You hand it to him. “Oh, man!” he whines. “Look at this scratch!” he points to a line on the top of his helmet that is a little darker than the silver helmet. “This is a new one too. And it’s all sticky! Sorry sir.”

You chuckle. He’s going to be all right. “Don’t worry about that now. Let’s just get this sorted and go. Sound good?”

Pike nods.

‘Wow,’ you think. ‘I didn’t expect anything like this to happen.’ Your anger quickly rises as you realize that your friend was just assaulted by some drunk. You want to wake him up and kick the crap out of him. But that probably isn’t legal. So you do the next best thing.

“Take him to the police station,” you tell your men who are carrying the unconscious unicorn. “Tell whoever’s there what happened, and make sure he’s locked up before you leave.”

“Yes, sir!” the soldiers respond.

Assault in Equestria, as it is in most countries, is a crime. A crime punishable by being fined or being thrown in prison. You wouldn’t mind seeing that drunkard going to prison.

“Oh, and after that, go back to the barracks, undress, and go home. Report to the barracks at 1100 hours today. Understood?”

“Understood, sir!” was the joyous reply. Nopony can complain about getting extra sleep.

“Sergeant Stinger! Front and center!” you call out.

A large white stallion with a black mane and tail sprints over to you and snaps to attention.

“Yes sir?” he asks peacefully.

You smile. “Get the rest of the names. We’re almost done here.”

“Right away sir.” He turns and resumes Pike’s previous unfinished work. Luckily, the rest of the drunken ponies have not moved at all. There’s only a few left, and they’re just staring at Pike.

You ask for the soldier that hit the drunken unicorn in the head to step forward. One of your soldiers does. A pretty short, dark green unicorn, with a golden mane and tale walks nervously up to you. You don’t recognize him, so you probably haven’t written his report yet.

“Do you remember what I said about not hitting anypony in the head?” you ask.

“Y-yes sir!” the soldier tries to yell, but can’t. He’s very nervous. He knows you told them not to strike the head, but he did.

You smile. “Don’t worry, you’re not in trouble.” The green unicorn looks at you quizzically. “I’m glad you head him across the mouth. The order I gave out was just one of the rules in the handbook (or hoofbook), but I think we should ignore that one from now on. Excellent work, soldier.”

“Th-thank you sir.” He seems a little confused by your praise.

“What’s your name soldier?” you ask. You’ve seen this guy before, but never actually met him.

“Private Shamrock sir.” He responds shyly. You introduce yourself to him, but you’re pretty sure he already knows you.

“Excellent work Corporal Shamrock,” you say as you begin to walk off, hoping he will notice what you said.

It seems he did, and you catch a glimpse of him staring at the ground before enthusiastically jumping up and down.

You’re not even sure if you’re allowed to just promote ponies like that, but it shouldn’t be a big deal. You just need to remember to put in a good report for him.

“Listen up everypony!” you announce. “Now that we got all the names down, we are going to head back to barracks. Everypony get changed, go home, report to the barracks at 1100 hours today. Understood?”

“Yes sir!” was the unanimous cheerful reply. You thought so. 1100 is much preferable to 0700.

“Let’s move out!”

==========

You are finally back in the castle. All the lights in the castle are turned on. You have to squint to find your way through the gleaming hallways. You walk up yet another set of stairs.

You were supposed to do an After Action Report after the little riot you quelled, but you are too tired to even think. You just want to go back to bed. ‘And paperwork fucking sucks!’ you mentally add.

‘I hate stairs!’ you exclaim internally. ‘Why did Celestia make so many stairs?! One flight would be fine. Maybe even two! But there are like, a thousand stairs in this place! I need to talk to Celestia about this.’

You make your way through another ornately decorated hallway on your never ending journey to find your bed. You want to just fall asleep right here in the middle of hallway. But your bed, as always, seems like it would be a better choice.

You venture up the last flight of stairs that leads to yet another hallway. However, this is the best hallway. This hallway has your bedroom door, and beyond that, lays your Princess and your bed.

You walk to the end of the hall to find Maverick and Eagle Eye bickering like an old married couple again. You’re not in the mood to talk to them, and they don’t even seem to notice you. You hear them argue about what sandwich tastes better; a daisy or a sunflower sandwich. You’re not interested. You think they’re both wrong, but you don’t get involved. Bacon sandwich is best sandwich, but it’s probably for the best that you don’t tell them that.

You simply walk up to the door, the guards open it while continuing to argue, not even acknowledging your existence with words, and you walk through. You don’t care that the guards aren’t talking to you. You really don’t want them to. The door shuts behind you as you take your first steps in the room. You are momentarily blinded by the darkness, but your eyes quickly adapt, just as they always do.

You strip off all of your clothes as you walk over to the bed, merely throwing all the discards at various points on the floor. You don’t have to pick them up, so who cares?

You pull back the covers and are about to enter to magnificent bed, but you find it totally empty. Celestia is no where to be found.

You lift up the covers, no Celestia.

You check under the bed, no Celestia.

You look over to the balcony doors, they are wide open.

You yawn. ‘Guess she’s over yonder,’ you think.

You tiredly make your way over to the balcony doors to get your marefriend. You want to curl up with her and fall asleep for a couple more hours. If you’re lucky.

The balcony is massive. It stretches 30 feet from the door to the stone railing that surrounds the balcony. Marble tiles line the entire balcony floor. It’s the perfect place to get a view of Equestria, gaze at the sky, or watch the sunset with the one you love.

But the balcony has always kind of scared you. You’re probably a thousand or so feet above Canterlot, which is built into the top of a mountain, making the balcony look even higher up than it actually is. Heights scare you. Celestia says that you’re just overreacting, but she’s part pegasus, so what would she know? Then again, Spike told you Fluttershy was afraid of heights… Whatever.

You stand in the doorway that leads out to the balcony and see your Princess sitting on her rump, gazing up at the beautiful night sky. Luna really does outdo herself. Celestia has her back turned towards you, so all you see is her gorgeous flowing mane and back. She is so beautiful.

You begin your approach towards her. “Celestia?” you yawn out to her. You don’t know what to say, you just want her to come to bed.

Upon hearing your words, her ears perk up and a foreleg immediately shoots up to her face. ‘What is she doing?’ you ask yourself.

After a few seconds of walking, you finally reach her. You wrap your arms around her and pull your chest against her back. ‘Her fur is so soft! This is amazing!’ You smile. You nuzzle your cheek against the back of her neck.

You hear Celestia sniffle and see her bring her foreleg back up to her face. You feel her breathing quicken.

“Celestia? Honey? You okay?” you ask, deeply concerned over the emotional state of your marefriend.

“…Y-yes,” she barely manages to squeak out.

You let go of her and walk around to her side. She quickly turns her head away from you.

“Celestia? What’s wrong?” your concern is only growing as time passes. ‘Why won’t she look at me? Why is she out here? What is she doing?’ Your mind is flooded with questions over your Princess.

You reach out your hand and place it on her cheek. She shudders under your touch.

“Celestia, I need you to look at me.” She doesn’t move. “Celestia, please, look at me.” She looks down, but not at you.

Refusing to wait any longer, you pull her head so that you are now both face to face. Her eyes are shut tightly.

“Celestia,” you say firmly, “I need you to look at me. Right now.” You cup her face with both your hands.

Her eyes flutter, but remain closed. Gradually, they begin to open, and you see her beautiful purple eyes. But that’s not all. You see the whites of her eyes are now red, as if she has been crying.

“Honey,” you gasp, “what’s wrong? What happened?” You have no idea as to why Celestia would’ve been crying. You have never seen Celestia cry. Nopony has. It is probably the rarest sight in the world. You don’t even know if she’s ever cried in her entire life.

Her bottom lip begins to tremble violently as she looks at you. She quickly snatches you up in her forelegs, pulls you tightly against her chest, and wraps her wings around you.

‘Can’t breathe,’ was your first thought. Celestia hugs way too tightly.

“I was so afraid!” Celestia whispers loudly.

‘What?’

“Afraid of what?” you squeak out. What does a goddess have to fear?

“I… I thought you were going to get hurt…” she pulls you in even tighter now.

“Celestia… I can’t… breathe…" her grip loosens and she lets go of you entirely. She takes a step back and looks down, dejected.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers.

That surprised you. Celestia has never acted this way around you, or anypony for that matter. This is nothing like her usual confident and domineering self. She usually tends to act like the ruler of a country, even when she is only around you.

“Don’t be sorry, honey,” you say reassuringly. “I love you. You love me. There isn’t a reason to be sorry.” You step forward and lock her in a hug. You nuzzle her cheek. “And there’s no reason to be worried. I’m fine. It was just a bunch of drunks after a hoofball game. Besides, I think the ruler of Equestria should be a little more worried over political things, and not just a bunch of bibulous assholes.”

She hugs you back and takes a deep breath. “My top priority is you now. First you, then everything else. I will not lose you.” She hugs you tighter. “I’ve never loved anything as much as I’ve loved you... I'm never letting you go.”

You are touched. No one has ever loved you as much as Celestia just said she did. You hug her tighter and take a deep breath of your own.

“Honey,” you whisper, relishing in how good it feels to call someone ‘honey’, “I swear to you, that every night when you get into that bed, I will be next to you. And every morning when you wake up, I will be next to you. I will always be here for you, Celestia. You will never lose me.”

She sniffles. “Promise?” she asks in a sad-sounding whisper.

“Promise,” you reply with a huge grin. You pull back just enough to deliver a loving kiss upon her lips.

You rarely have to comfort Celestia. If anything, she is the one comforting you. This is a very strange time.

“Come on,” you whisper after pulling away, “let’s get to bed while we still can.”

She sniffles. You put your arm around her neck after she puts her wing over the back and side of your naked form, and slowly walk back to the bed.

You get in, lie on your back, and momentarily stare up at the white ceiling. You feel Celestia climb in on the left side of the bed. She snuggles herself up against your side, and puts her head on your chest.

“I love you,” she declares, albeit quietly.

You wrap your arm around your Princess and pull her in a little closer.

“I love you too, honey, and I always will,” you sincerely respond before closing your eyes, and drifting off into a very peaceful sleep.

Chapter 3: Just Another Morning

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You have been listening to the horse doctor talk for a couple of hours now. You felt bad for flipping out on him when you were awake last. Considering that he’s merely a figment of your imagination, the least you could do is talk to the poor guy. He even had to knock you out to keep you from killing yourself, so the least you could do for the poor guy is listen to him without the intention of suicide and/or homicide. You tried to focus solely on his voice, but you couldn’t keep from noticing that he is a horse. How could you not?

He told you earlier that he is not a horse, he is a unicorn.

Right. That makes much more sense. It’s weird to have a doctor that is a horse, but a unicorn? Yeah, much better.

He told you that you are currently in the town of Ponyville, located in the country of Equestria.

Of course.

Ponyville is apparently full of horses, such as himself. There are apparently three races of horses that live in Equestria: pegasus, earth, and of course, unicorn. You haven’t seen the other two races yet, but he said you will soon.

Pegasi can fly. You already knew that though. You don’t know where you learned it, but you knew that pegasi were horses that had wings, and therefore flew. What baffled you was that the doctor told you that pegasi, because they can fly, control the weather. You wanted to ask about what he meant. Surely flying horses don’t literally control the weather.… right? Stranger things have happened, you suppose. You’ll ask later.

The way the horse doctor described earth ponies sounds like they are just regular horses. Work horses. Apparently they farm. You couldn’t wrap your head around the idea of horses farming. At least not without human assistance. But that’s for a later explanation. Earth ponies are responsible for all of Equestria’s food production. Without them, everyone would die, you guess. Seems legit so far.

The doctor eventually explains what unicorns do. By the way he explained it, it seems as though they have done absolutely nothing productive whatsoever for most of Equestria’s history. They seemed to have mooched off of the other races to stay alive. Nowadays, however, unicorns are mighty warriors, impeccable doctors, and can do magic and shit. Pretty cool. But very scary. He goes on to say that he used a spell earlier to put you to sleep.

Equestria is apparently run by two Princesses that also are Goddesses. Wow. That’s pretty freaky. These ponies think that their rulers are Gods. You know who else thought that? Egyptians and Romans. And look what happened to their once great civilizations.

He sees the inquisitive look on your face and explains more about the Princesses. They are a species called alicorn. Alicorns are a mix of all three races. The strength of an earth pony, the magical abilities of a unicorn, and the ability to fly like a pegasus.

He claims that they are both Goddesses. Being from the planet Earth, with all of your Earthly influences, you are skeptical as to the verisimilitude of the horse doctor’s claim. He says that they are thousands of years old. One, Celestia, raises the sun to begin the day and lowers it to end the day. Luna, the younger of the two, raises the moon to begin the night and decorates the night sky with stars and other nightly things, and lowers the moon to end the night.

The horse doctor explains the Nightmare Moon incident that occurred fairly recently, it would seem. Something he calls the Elements of Harmony stopped Luna’s evil form from ruling Equestria.

He finally tells you that the Elements of Harmony were actually the ones who found you, whilst you were dying. He tells you their names, but you forget them immediately. Names in… wherever you are don’t seem to be very normal.

‘This is the most in-depth dream I’ve ever had… or someone drugged me. I hate people,’ you think to yourself as the horse doctor continues to elaborate on your situation.

The doctor begins asking you questions on where you are from. You respond in turn to all of his questions. It would appear that the horse doctor has never even heard of humans by the way he reacts to your explaining of Earth.

You give a brief sum-up of Earth’s history…well you tell him whatever it is you know. Not much in Earth’s history except for wars and violence. This seemingly appalls the doctor, but he continues to listen to you anyway.

He tells you Equestria hasn’t been to war in over 200 years. Equestria is very peaceful. You respond by telling him that Earth has not gone more than 12 hours without a war starting somewhere. You don’t know if that is true, but it’s kind of fun to watch the doctor react to all the violence. He doesn’t seem to like it very much.

You ask what doctors do in Equestria if there isn’t any violence. He laughs at this.

“Nothing really,” he responds casually. “A few times a week a little filly or an old mare will fall down and hurt themselves. But honestly, before you, I’ve never actually had to do a legitimate operation where the patient’s life was on the line. Lucky for you, your organ systems seem to be the same as ponies, so the operation went a lot better than originally expected.”

He goes on to talk about all of your injuries. You have a pretty bad concussion, sprained some ligaments in your right foot, something poor happened to your right knee, your left ankle is sprained, you have cuts and bruises all over your body, especially your legs and arms. You sprained your right wrist, and your left arm has cuts all over it, but nothing more than that. You have a second degree burn mark on your lower right back, and there is something wrong with your spine or something. You didn’t really keep up with that part. But your back is in pain. Your face has various small cuts, but nothing more.

He finally begins to talk about your chest and stomach. He says some object went into your stomach and stuck out of your back. He didn’t know what the object was, but he removed it. He had to operate on various tissues in your stomach. You couldn’t keep track of what he was operating on, but it sounds like he fixed you up. You have a few broken and bruised ribs, but your heart seems to be fine. You have a pretty strong heart, according to the doctor.

“Wow,” you sigh. “Well, thanks doc. Sounds like you had a ton of work to do.”

He chuckles. “Oh, I know. It took 22 hours to fix everything up, but we think we did, despite you being a… what did you say you were again?”

“Human,” you smile.

“Human,” he echoes. “Mind if I ask you something?” you shake your head. “Are you a… carnivore?... I- I noticed that you have canines, which are found in meat eating species, so, uh-“

“Yes,” you cut him off. “I eat meat.” He suddenly looks panicked and begins to say something before you interject again. “But I don’t eat horse. Humans don’t do that.” At least most humans. “So if you’re afraid I’m going to eat you, don’t be. I won’t. It’s okay.”

He breathes a sigh of relief. “Thank Celestia! But anyway, you’re lucky that your anatomy is similar to ponies. Otherwise, you would be dead.”

Wow.

“Well,” you respond unsurely, “I guess it’s a good thing you were here then?”

“I’m always here. I’m a doctor. This is a hospital. We go together. But you should also thank those mares that found you. Without them, you would probably still be lying over at Sweet Apple Acres.”

Once again, you are unsure of how to respond. “Right,” you drawl out the word, much like Dr. Evil in the Austin Powers films. “Well, I’d love to meet them, but I, uh, can’t really move much. Can I?”

“I suppose not. But don’t worry, I think one of them is waiting out in the lobby for you. Would you like to see them now?”

‘Why are they waiting for me?’ you think to yourself.

“I’d love to meet them, if that is possible.”

“Of course, allow me to get them. Be right back.” The doctor exits the room and closes the door behind him.

You take a few moments to look around the room, as you did earlier. There is an empty bed to your left, a nightstand with a lamp to your right, and literally nothing else. The room is completely empty.

“Do they not have TV in Equestria?” you ask aloud. “That would suck.”

You hear the sound of many feet, -er, hooves hitting the floor. You guess the doctor is coming back. And he’s probably coming back with whoever got you here.

The door opens and in walks the horse doctor along with two feminine looking horses. You don’t know how exactly, but you’re positive they are both girls.

One is white, with purple hair and massive blue eyes. You can’t help but notice three diamonds right above her rump on either side of her. Girls on Earth would sometimes get tattoos on their butt, maybe she did too?

The other is orange, with blond hair mostly covered by a Stetson hat, and big emerald eyes. There are three apples on her rump too. Weird. But you guess it’s just a horse thing.

“Oh my,” the white one says in a British-ish accent, “you look much better than you did when we found you. How do you feel?”

You nod your head around. “Fine, I guess. Given the circumstances and all. The doctor tells me you are the ones who found me?”

“Yup,” the orange one pipes up. “We was just takin’ a stroll through Sweet Apple Acres, when Rarity here saw ya laying under a tree. You looked pretty bad then.”

You smile. “I felt really bad too. Thank you so much for bringing me here. It truly means a lot to me. May I ask your names?”

The white one puts a leg on her chest. “Of course, darling. I am Rarity. I own Carousel Boutique; it’s just down the road,” she states proudly.

The orange one rolls her eyes. “And Ah’m Applejack. Ah own and operate Sweet Apple Acres. It’s the apple farm that takes up half of Ponyville. Can’t miss it. Not to mention it’s where we found ya.”

“Thank you Miss Rarity and Miss Applejack. You two are truly the kindest beings I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting. If I saw one of you lying under a tree back where I come from, I don’t know what I’d do.”

“Think nothing of it, darling,” Rarity says.

“Yeah,” Applejack adds. “Anypony would’ve done it.”

“Regardless, I’m very thankful.”

“Would it be alright if we introduce you to a few of our friends?” Rarity asks, sounding a little nervous. “When we told them we found you, they all, well almost all, really wanted to meet you.”

The doctor steps in. “I’m sorry miss Rarity, but I do not believe he should be seeing anypony. At least not right now. I don’t want to overwhelm him. He didn’t exactly react in the best way when I first came in to check on him.”

“Oh?” Rarity looks at you.

“I’m feeling much better though, doc,” you cut in. “I talked to you for like, two hours. And now I’m even talking to them. I’d say that’s pretty good progress.”

The doctor looks around the room in thought. “Well, you have a good point. But, well, the ponies that would come in to see you, uh, aren’t very stable individuals. I don’t know how else to put that. I’m sorry.”

“Doc’s got a point there, Rarity,” Applejack adds. “Twilight’ll probably want to run some experiments on him. Try finding out what he is. Rainbow will probably want to fight him. Pinkie will probably want to throw him a ‘Welcome to Equestria’ party. And Fluttershy will either love him as much as her animals, or be so scared she won’t leave her house. Again.”

Wow. Interesting friends.

Rarity clicks her tongue a few times and shakes her head. “Applejack, Applejack, Applejack… I never thought you were so quick to assume. I mean, look at the two of us! I’m not trying to dress him up and you aren’t trying to make him work on the farm. Right?”

“…Ah guess you’re right. Welp, if he feels like he’s OK enough to meet our friends, then I guess that’s how it should be.”

You don’t even think before responding. “I’d love to.”

==========

You blink your eyes open slowly and groggily. You’re awake, but you don’t want to be. Why would you ever want to be? Mornings suck. All mornings suck. Doesn’t matter if it’s your birthday, anniversary, anything. When you physically rise before the sun, it sucks. But you do it anyway, for only one reason.

And that reason has her head nestled under your chin and her forelegs wrapped around you. You lie on your back, staring up at the dark ceiling. Your room is quiet: the only noise is Celestia’s soft snoring. It’s not really snoring, just breathing really, but whatever.

This happens more often than one may think. You waking up before your alarm, that is. Your internal clock often wakes you up mere minutes before your alarm startles you fully awake. You look over and see your clock reads 5:28. Yep. Just a couple of minutes before the damn thing goes off.

You begin to shuffle your way towards the alarm clock which seems to be a thousand feet away. You don’t get more than two inches from your original laying position when the forelegs around your waist tiredly pull you back.

“Mmm…” Celestia grumbles. “No.”

You smile and continue to shuffle towards the clock again. Only a matter of seconds before that thing goes off. You hate it when it goes off. The noise it makes is loud and terrible and you want to strangle someone whenever you hear it.

Once again, you only get a few inches away from Celestia until she pulls you back again.

“Noooo,” She grumbles, albeit a bit louder this time.

She pulls you in as close as you two can physically possibly be before wrapping a wing overtop of you.

“Stay,” she demands, as though you are obligated to listen.

“No,” you say in the most childlike tone your tired mind can muster. You immediately begin to shuffle farther to your side of the bed.

You feel Celestia hop up and come down quickly, right on top of you, effectively pinning you to the soft mattress. She puts her head under your chin again.

“Yes,” she retorts, her voice muffled. You try to shuffle again, but you can’t. It’s hopeless. All is lost.

You don’t know what to do now. You reach a hand up and begin stroking her neck and multi-colored mane. Her mane doesn’t even feel like hair. It’s more like gentle running water in a creek or stream. You can feel it, but at the same time, you can’t. It’s weird, but awesome.

The alarm goes off. The terrible beeping noise echoes throughout your grand bedroom. You want to throw Celestia off you and catapult the damn machine off your 5,000 foot balcony. But at the same time, you don’t want Celestia to move. But you do really want that machine to shut up.

Celestia’s horn glows gold, as does the beeping machine. The alarm clock is pulled out from the wall by the plug, effectively shutting it off, before being unceremoniously dumped into the adjacent trashcan.

“Better,” Celestia sighs, her eyes never opening, her head never leaving your chest. And you agree with her. This is much better.

“Celestia?” you whisper gently as you stroke her mane.

“Hmm?” she responds.

“Don’t you have a sun to rise?”

There is silence for a few moments before Celestia responds. “Mmhmm.” She repositions herself slightly on top of you, finding a more comfortable laying position.

“I thought so.” You’re not going to tell your marefriend to get off of you. You love it when you cuddle, and you don’t want it to stop. Ever.

You close your eyes again, and your thoughts flicker to Celestia. Even when she is with you, she is usually the only thing on your mind. The only sound in the room is Celestia’s soft breathing.

You think of how wonderful life with Celestia is. She is the kindest, most beautiful creature you have ever had the pleasure of even knowing. And over these past few months, you have really gotten to know her (wink). There is not a single place you would want to be rather than cuddled up in your bed with your Princess.

Eventually however, you begin to think of your old life back in the realm of bipedal Homo sapiens. You think of your parents, your family, your friends. You miss them. You miss them quite a bit.

But you don’t miss them to the point that you would ever leave Celestia. A few months ago, you would’ve jumped at just the chance to go back home. Now though, now that you made a new, fantastic life for yourself, you don’t want to leave.

Your parents probably miss you. Your family may miss you. Your friends might miss you. You miss them. You will never see them, and they will never see you again. They probably assume that you’re dead. You hope they didn’t grieve for long, for you are not dead. If you are dead, than you are definitely in heaven.

You sigh. ‘We should probably get up now,’ you think. ‘The sun doesn’t raise itself… Wow, I never thought I’d be thinking that.’

“Honey?” you whisper, keeping your eyes closed while continuing to stroke her mane.

“Hmm?” Celestia sighs, unmoving.

“I hate to be the responsible one, but we probably should get up now. Your little ponies will probably be a little confused as to why the sun is not rising this morning.”

You know the both of you missed a couple hours of sleep last night, and that you are abnormally tired. Alas, it is your duty to rise and shine. Literally. You can imagine that it would be rather difficult to raise the sun when you feel exhausted, but Celestia really needs to do it.

There is a moment of silence. “I don’t want to. Too tired. Luna will do it.” She does not seem to be in the mood to be getting up this morning; which, when it comes to Celestia, is very, very rare.

“C’mon,” you say as you begin to sit up. “Go raise the sun, then we can take a shower. Mmkay?”

“Noo,” she groans, trying to force you back down. “Sleep.”

Celestia is stronger than she looks and she succeeds in shoving you back into the soft mattress. You don’t have to go to work until 11 today, but she is always working. And, as the responsible adult in the room, it is your job to ensure that your Princess gets up, raises the sun, and starts the day.

You didn’t want to resort to this, but it appears you have no choice.

“Celestia,” you say sternly. “I swear to God, if you don’t get up and raise the sun right now, I will make you.”

She giggles softly. “And how do you plan on doing that?” she rubs her head against your chest, getting more comfortable.

“How do you think?” you respond, moving your open hand in front of her field of vision, and flexing it.

Celestia gasps. “You wouldn’t dare.” She says. If you didn’t know any better, you’d say she sounds worried; almost scared.

“Try me,” you begin moving your hand towards her sensitive wing.

“Okay! Okay! I’m getting up,” she groans as she rolls off of you.

It’s a good thing Celestia is ticklish; otherwise you would never be able to threaten her with anything. She’s the same size as you, so you can’t threaten her with physical strength, not that a man should do so to a woman. She’s also way smarter than you are, so she has the ability to make you look like an idiot whenever she wants to. Thankfully though, she never wants to, but if she did, she could without even trying.

The only advantage you hold over your beautiful marefriend is that she is ticklish and you have fingers. And, lucky for you, she knows that she is at a disadvantage when it comes to this. Thus, when you threaten her with it, she will obey. She hates it when you do it, but watching her react is hilarious and adorable.

After you’re sure she is out of the bed, you close your eyes again, and look forward to a few more moments and darkness and peace before your Princess raises the sun.

You sigh in comfort as you settle in. Even though your eyes are closed, your vision quickly becomes bright, as though someone is shining a flashlight at your face. You feel yourself being lifted off of the bed, although nothing appears to be physically touching you.

You open your eyes and look over at your Princess. She has not dressed herself, and she is looking at you as though she is disappointed.

“Ah, ah, ah,” she admonishes. “If I have to get up, you have to get up too.”

“Aww,” you whine as you float through the air. “But I don’t want to! Celestia! Noo!”

“You have nopony to blame except yourself. You were the one who chose to be with me, right? Well, suck it up.”

“Hmph,” you continue to pout as you finally reach Celestia. She places your naked form on her back as she walks out onto the balcony. “Mornings. Suck.”

You lay down on Celestia’s back and wrap your arms loosely around her neck. You don’t like it when Celestia carries you around. It makes you feel useless, which is not a good feeling when you are in the presence of your lover. But she seems to enjoy carrying you. Why else would she do it? Unfortunately however, due to your anatomy, you cannot carry Celestia. It’s just not possible.

“Celestia?” you whisper as you close your eyes.

“Yes, dear?” she responds, sounding much more awake.

“If you insist on carrying me, you need to get a saddle. A male human’s body is not built to ride bare-back.” You wince as Celestia continues to walk out onto the balcony. “Plus, I think you would look sexy in a saddle.”

She giggles. “In all my life, I have never worn a saddle. Why should I start now?”

“Celestia,” you say wincing again, “you’re going to damage a small part of me in a large way if you keep doing this.”

She laughs again. “I will consider it. No promises though. I thought you liked it when I didn’t wear anything.”

“Oh, I do. But, unless we are, y’know, doing anything, there is no point in me riding you.”

Celestia comes to a stop, and you assume that she has reached the end of the balcony. Your eyes are still closed, so you’re not entirely sure. Your vision begins to slowly get a little brighter.

“Well, I enjoy carrying you around,” Celestia says. “I suppose it makes me feel like I have a greater purpose…I don’t know… I just really like it.”

“Well, hon,” you say, “if it makes you feel good, then keep doing it. I won’t mind it if you enjoy it so much. It’s just my gentleman’s region begs you to get a saddle.”

She giggles. “I already told you, sweetie. I will consider it.”

Your vision slowly becomes brighter as the sun makes its way over the horizon. Watching the sunrise could be beautiful, if you weren’t so exhausted all the time. You know the sun rises just beyond the town of Ponyville, which is visible from your bedroom’s balcony. When the sun rises over the town, it’s a breathtaking site. But at 5 in the morning, you could care less.

You hear Celestia take a deep breath. “I love watching the sunrise,” she says. “In all my years, I have never grown tired of seeing it. And I never will.”

Your grip gets a little tighter around her neck as you pull yourself up slightly. You nuzzle your cheek against her neck, keeping your eyes closed.

“I love you,” you say.

“I love you, too.” She turns around and begins walking back to the bedroom. “How about we take that shower now?”

“Sounds good,” you mumble.

You love Celestia’s shower. Showers back on Earth had a faucet that the water would come out of. So do showers in Equestria. But, Celestia’s shower is a little different.

Rather than just a single faucet, the entire roof above the shower acts as a faucet. Celestia is so big, it takes a lot more water to wash her. Same goes with you, especially when you shower together. Instead of having the water bathe one area of your tired form, the water covers your entire body, as if it was raining. The shower is big enough to accommodate three Celestias, but thankfully, there is only one, and she is yours.

Now that you think about it though, having multiple Celestias could be fun. A lot of fun.

You get off of your Princess as you enter the shower to turn on the faucet. You adjust it to a setting that isn’t freezing and isn’t boiling lava hot. While waiting for the water to adjust properly, you begin kissing your Princess. You don’t always take showers with Celestia, but when you do, you become very aroused very quickly. Celestia’s wings begin to rise as you continue to kiss her.

The water reaches a reasonable temperature as you pull away from Celestia. You simply take a moment to gaze into her big, beautiful purple eyes. Her mane is no longer flowing around as it usually is; rather, it is waterlogged and draped down over her neck. She is gorgeous, especially when she’s wet.

You reach for one of those giant fluffy sponges that hang over the faucet handle and a bottle of body wash. Celestia used to have servants scrub and wash her, which is really hot when you think about it. And you like to think about it. But now that you are here, she no longer needs anypony to wash her. She has you for that.

You don’t mind scrubbing her at all. You will always jump at a chance to feel Celestia up. Not that she minds, of course. She wants you to. At least, you think so. Why else would she let you?

You pour some body wash into the fluffy sponge device and begin to scrub your Goddess. You start at the neck and slowly work your way down her back. You’re very careful when scrubbing her wings. They are very sensitive, and the last thing you would want to do would be to hurt your marefriend in any way.

You are always sure to slowly scrub up each of Celestia’s legs. Especially her hind-legs. You slowly rub in miniature circles from her hoof to her body on all four legs. Upon reaching her cutie marks, which are also pretty sensitive apparently, you scrub a little slower, just to watch Celestia react. Usually her wings extend even further before she turns her head and gives you a disapproving look with her cheeks flushed. You find the looks she gives you undeniably cute, so it’s rather hard to take her seriously when she really wants to be.

If you really wanted to, you could scrub Celestia’s most private areas. But you don’t. You would only do that if you were really turned on, and planned on acting on your basic male instincts. The farthest you will go on the average morning is lightly rubbing her inner thighs.

You finish scrubbing her and begin scrubbing yourself. Nothing out of the ordinary. Just another day, showering with the alicorn Goddess of the Sun. Like I said, nothing out of the ordinary.

You finish washing yourself and your marefriend, get out of the shower, dry off, and prepare to go downstairs for another Royal breakfast.

“That was lovely, my dear,” you hear Celestia say as you put on some pants and she puts on her horseshoes.

“It always is,” you respond simply. “Your shower is so awesome. And sharing it with my beautiful Princess is a nice bonus.”

“And so is touching me, right?” she smiles.

“Absolutely!” you exclaim, laughing. “You are just so beautiful, and I am so lucky. I’m basically living the dream of every stallion in Equestria.”

She laughs as she walks over to you. “Ready to go?”

You quickly slip on your shoes. “Ready when you are.”

Like most mornings, Celestia puts her wing around your back and side and you wrap an arm around her shoulder. You both make your way to your bedroom doors and head towards the Royal Dining Room.

==========

You rest your head against Celestia’s as you descend the final staircase. On the way down this morning, you remembered to tell Celestia about how much you despise the ancient stairs you walk up and down on a daily basis. She told these stairs were a part of Equestria’s history. These stairs have been standing ever since she was born thousands of years ago. There was no way she was going to remove them, simply because it would more convenient.

“Easy for you to say,” you respond. “You can fly. You don’t even need these stairs. The only way for me to get up to our room is to have a heart attack.”

“Am I not worth it?” she asks.

You kiss her cheek. “I’d do anything for you. I’m just saying it’d be nice if you would install an elevator or something. After working out all day, I usually don’t want to come home and work out.”

Celestia rolls her eyes. “Maybe I should put in a complaint box? You seem to be having an awful lot of suggestions this morning. Besides, I think you need the exercise. It makes you look sexy.” She winks at you.

“No, it makes me look sweaty and tired. Have you not realized that whenever I finally reach our bedroom that I will more often than not get into bed?”

“I always assumed you were getting into bed so fast because you wanted to sleep with me,” she muses audibly.

“That is one of the two reasons I do get into bed. But the other is that I’m just so tired. Stairs. Suck.”

“Have you realized that you are rather pessimistic in the morning?”

“I’m just a little irritated because I’m tired and there are way too many damn stairs. My anger is there for a reason.”

Celestia shakes her head. “I’m not putting in an elevator.”

You throw up your arm that is not around Celestia’s shoulder. “Aw come on!”

Celestia sticks her tongue out at you.

You finally round the final corner and enter the Royal Dining Room. You are relieved to see your beloved seat. After walking for God knows how long just to find this room you are tired and desperately want to sit down.

You see Shining talking animatedly with his wife, who is trying very hard not to fall asleep. You can’t hear what they are talking about, but knowing Shining, it’s probably something pointless that Cadence will forget by the time Celestia takes her seat. Not that Shining isn’t interesting or anything. It’s just Cadence cannot be conversed with on the average morning.

You see Luna staring at that same spot on the table with her head directly above the steaming cup of black coffee. Her ears are folded back and she seems to be in a daze by the look in her eyes.

“We will continue this discussion later,” Celestia says as you walk into the room.

“Fine,” you sigh, defeated. You know it’s useless arguing against Celestia or try to get her to do something she doesn’t want to, but you try anyway. And fail.

You both share a kiss before breaking away and heading for your respective seats on opposite ends of the table.

“Mornin’,” you greet the Princess of the Night.

“We fail to see what it is that is so good about it,” she mumbles irritated without moving her eyes or ears.

“I never said it was good,” you say sitting down. “Just said it was morning. Simply stating a fact.”

“Hmm, we misheard.”

You roll your eyes. “Clearly. So how you doin’ Luna? Long night?”

“Oh yes,” she nods. “Very long. We went to the hoofball game last night. Canterlot won 16-5.”

“I know. I already heard about it. How ‘bout after the game?”

Luna’s ears perk up before folding back down. “We, uh, may have partaken in the post-match merriment.”

‘What the hell does that mean?’ you ask yourself.

Luna sees the perplexed look on your face and sighs. “We went out drinking.”

Oh.

You can’t help but smile. “I never thought you were one to drink Luna,” you say nudging her shoulder. “So, how much did you drink?”

“Enough to get me drunk,” she responds without missing a beat.

You laugh. You suddenly find yourself very interested in what happened next. You’re almost positive Luna has never been drunk before. She’s like a 5 year old.

“So what did you do for the rest of the night?” you ask trying desperately to stop laughing before Shining sees you.

“We-“ Luna begins before she is interrupted by a loud thud.

You look over to the opposite side of the room to see the Dining Room doors flung wide open. In the center of the doorway stands-

“D’ah shit,” you mumble turning to Luna, who is looking sadly back at you. “I hate when he comes to breakfast.”

Walking through the doorway is none other than Prince Blueblood. His usual styled blond mane is disheveled and unkempt, especially compared to his normal standards. His white fur doesn’t look very white. Usually, his coat is gleaming white. His coat is so shiny it has been known to blind ponies who look at it for more than 5 seconds. But today…

His coat seems pink. A very light, subtle pink, but it still looks like it’s pink. You know Blueblood would never leave his room unless he was looking absolutely perfect. And he rarely ever comes to breakfast. He only shows up on holidays or birthdays or if he is in a rare good mood. And the more you look at it, his mane looks a little pink too. What did he do?

As he walks through the Dining Room, you can tell he is fuming. He looks pissed, so he’s probably here to vent his anger. Only problem is Luna and you don’t give one single fuck as to why he is irritated this morning, so he will probably complain to Celestia.

He approaches Celestia and takes a deep bow. “Good morning, Aunt Celestia,” he says. You hate the sound of his voice. “You are looking as lovely as ever today.” What a kiss-ass. Only you are allowed to compliment Celestia.

Celestia smiles. “Thank you, Blueblood. Always the charmer.”

Fuck. Blueblood.

Prince Blueblood walks around the table towards his seat. His eyes lock onto you and Luna and gives you both a look that could kill. That is, if you were actually afraid of him. Which you are not. There isn’t a reason to be.

A servant seats Blueblood before asking what he would like for breakfast.

“Coffee,” Blueblood says. “Extra cream and sugar.”

“And for you sir?” the waiter turns to you.

“The usual, please,” you respond. It’s nice to have manners. Something Prince Assbag doesn’t understand.

The waiter nods and walks away back to the kitchen. You like the wait staff, and you hope they like you. You try to be as courteous as possible to them. Hopefully they won’t spit in your food.

“So, Blue,” you begin, trying to start a conversation, “what are you doin’ up so early? It’s still morning.”

He snorts and glowers at you and Luna, who has returned her gaze to the same spot on the table.

“I think both of you know exactly why I’m here. Don’t you?” he growls. Luna doesn’t even move. You don’t know how to respond. You haven’t even seen the little bugger in a week, not that you’re complaining. It was the best week of your life. So what is he talking about?

“Um, no?” you respond unsure.

“The both of you know exactly why I’m here,” he hisses, keeping his voice low.

“I got no idea what you’re talking about, Blue.”

“Stop. Calling. Me. Blue.” He’s really mad now.

“Blue, I will call you anything I want,” you say proudly. “One of the many benefits of sleeping with your aunt.”

He growls at you and Luna raises her ears as the waiter comes back with your cereal and Blueblood’s coffee. The waiter must see that Blueblood looks angry because he takes off immediately after setting down your breakfast.

You love using the ‘I’m sleeping with your aunt who is a Goddess and Princess of the land in which you live so what are you going to do about it?’ card. Luna doesn’t usually like you using that card, and you obviously understand why. But it makes Blueblood really mad.

“I hate you both,” he whispers harshly through gritted teeth, glancing at Luna.

“Noted,” you say before taking a spoonful of your cereal in your mouth. “So,” you say still chewing, “what’s got your panties in a twist then?” Ponies don’t wear underwear, at least you think so, so he probably doesn’t understand your insult.

He takes a deep breath. “Two hours ago, somepony flew in through my window.”

‘Couldn’t have been me,’ you think. ‘I can’t fly.’

“The vile beast slurred ‘Happy Birthday’ before dumping an entire cake on top of me while I was still lying comfortably in my very own bed!”

You do your best to control your laughter. ‘That doesn’t make any sense!’

“The dark creature laughed before flying right back out of my quarters! And I know exactly who it was.” His gaze shifts to Luna who is still looking at the table with her lips forming a small smile.

“Surely Prince Blueblood,” you say melodramatically, placing a hand on Luna’s shoulder, “you don’t assume that it is our own Princess of the Night who is responsible for such a travesty!”

“I do not assume,” Blueblood’s gaze does not leave Luna, “I am positive it was her. Which means you were involved in some way,” he points an accusing hood at you.

“Wasn’t me, Blue,” you take another bite of cereal. “I was asleep most of the night. Woke up to put down a riot but nothing more. Ask Celestia if you really want to know.”

“Do you know how long it took me to wash this filth out of my coat and mane?!” he exclaims. You could care less.

“Blue, I don’t care. How about you try locking your doors and windows. Avoid the whole situation.”

“Two hours!” he ignores you. “From the moment it happened to about 5 minutes ago, I was washing myself! For two hours! And I’m still filthy! And my birthday is not for another whole week!”

You laugh at this. He gets so worked up over the dumbest things. Luna begins laughing too. Granted, if someone flew into your room and dumped a cake on you, you would not hesitate to kill them where they float. But, alas, it didn’t happen to you. So it’s funny.

“I knew it was you!” Blueblood legitimately shouts, pointing to Luna.

Luna winces and rubs her temples. “Shh! Not so loud,” she whispers. Poor, hungover Luna.

“What are you guys talking about?” you hear Shining say from across the table. You don’t want anyone else to know what you’re talking about. The three ponies on the opposite end of the long table don’t even know you and Luna strongly detest Blueblood, and you hope to keep it that way.

“Nothing, nothing,” Blueblood says before you can. “Just discussing my upcoming birthday celebration.”

‘Oh yeah, Blue’s party is in a week,’ you think. ‘I’ll have to remember to go out and get him… nothing.’

Everypony’s attention returns to whatever they were previously doing.

“Well,” you say, “I guess that explains why you yelled ‘Happy Birthday.’ Eh, Luna?” you nudge Luna’s shoulder with your elbow.

“We do not even recall doing such an action,” she says burying her face in her hooves.

You laugh at this. Luna definitely has never been drunk before, so you get to be here for her very first hangover.

You’re so proud. Your little Luna is finally growing up. You fight back the urge to cry tears of joy. But then you realize that you aren’t even related to Luna, so instead of being proud, you are only amused at her inebriated state.

Then again, you’re practically her older brother, despite you being a few thousand years younger, so your pride in Luna swiftly returns. You take it upon yourself to look after her.

“C’mon Luna,” you say, rising from your chair. “I think it’s time you went to bed.” You help Luna out of her seat. She stumbles slightly as she wraps a wing around you to keep her balance.

“You two aren’t going anywhere!” Blueblood hisses. “You two will answer for vandalizing my beautiful coat and mane!”

“Blue, shut up,” you turn back to him. “Luna’s not in any state to deal with you and I don’t want to talk to you anyway.” You begin to walk away before turning back one final time. “And if you disturb Princess Luna’s rest in any way, I will have you murdered in your sleep. Got it?”

He doesn’t seem threatened by you at all. He just sits in his chair and scowls at you and Luna.You assume he understands. You meant what you said. If he bothers Luna, you will have him killed. It wouldn’t even be hard, especially considering he doesn’t lock his doors or windows.

You begin your walk over to Celestia to tell her where you are going. You plan on coming back down after helping Luna upstairs, so you may as well let her know.

“Celestia?” you say, trying to get her attention as you approach.

“Yes, dear?” she asks looking up at you with a soft smile. You love her smile. It is absolutely gorgeous. And so is her voice. Your heart melts whenever she says something to you. Even if it is something condescending, you can’t help from keeping your knees from wobbling and your heart racing.

“I’mma take Luna upstairs. She doesn’t feel very well. I think she needs to get some rest.”

Celestia’s smile falls off her face at your words. She turns her gaze towards her younger sister. “Luna, are you alright? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, dear sister,” Luna tries sounding normal. Or as normal as Luna can be you suppose. “Merely a headache. Nothing bed rest cannot fix, We assure you.” Her wing around you tightens a little.

“OK, do you need somepony to check on you later?”

Luna tiredly shakes her head. “Nay, sister. We are fine, really. We simply require rest.”

Celestia nods. “Ok, Luna. Go off to bed. I will see you tonight, then?”

“Of course, sister.”

“I’ll be right back hon,” you say as you turn around and attempt to find Luna’s tower.

==========

“…and then, and then he stands on his bed, absolutely covered in pink frosting, a-and he yells, ‘You will pay for such a travesty you vile creature!’” Luna bursts out into laughter as she continues regaling this morning’s events to you. She’s laughing so hard you struggle to even hold her up. What she did was pretty damn funny, but not as funny as she seems to think it is. She can be such a child.

“So what did you do?” you ask trying to hold back your laughter. You find her inebriated state much funnier than her story. She continues to stumble as you ascend the final staircase before reaching the top of her tower.

“We left!” she starts laughing maniacally. It astounds you how Luna can be entertained by the small things in life, but you guess after spending a thousand years in isolation, just being around people should be funny.

You find yourself laughing as you reach the top of the stairs. You see Luna’s two guards look at you quizzically. Luna’s guards are a little different than Celestia’s guards. They are both pegasi, but instead of white, they are gray. And instead of legit wings, they have the wings of bats. If it’s meant to intimidate you, it doesn’t. It just looks weird. Their armor is not the Royal gold, rather, it is various shades of blue. Light blue helmets and dark blue chest plates. It might scare other ponies, but to you, they look adorable.

“I thought you said you didn’t remember anything that happened,” you state.

“Our memory seems to be returning to us. However, most of the night is still in a haze.”

Luna’s wing grip on your back tightens as she stumbles for the thousandth time.

“How much did you drink?” you ask as your laughter subsides. Luna’s chamber doors open for you as you both approach.

“We do not remember,” she mumbles with a soft smile. “It was a crazy night.”

“Oh, I know.” You remember the riot you had to quell mere hours ago. You wouldn’t mind never doing that again. A little action is good for the military, but not at 3 in the morning or whenever it was.

An interesting thing about Luna’s room is that there are no lights. There are no lamps, candles, or any light source whatsoever inside of the room. Instead, her room is solely lighted by the sun during the day and the moon at night. The room is basically the same as yours and Celestia’s, but the color is different. The wallpaper is darker and covered in miniature quarter moons and stars and her bed sheets and drapes are a very dark purple. She has a fireplace, but you have never seen her use it. The only reason she has the room is for sleeping. She doesn’t really do anything else in here. Even when she gets you so you two can just talk, you never go to her room.

“Alright, Luna,” you say as you approach her bed, “let’s get you into bed.” You walk alongside her bed, pull down her covers, and gently ease her down on it. You pull the covers back over her after she gets settled in. You reach down and give her a big hug. You know that Luna is very lonely, so hugging makes her happy, at least for a while. You used to be lonely too, and hugging always made you feel better.

Luna wraps her forelegs around you. “We bid you a good day,” she whispers.

“Sleep well, Luna. You need it,” you say, breaking off the hug. You begin walking towards the door.

“Oh,” you say, turning around. “Next time you prank Blue, come get me. I would have loved to see the look on his face.”

Luna looks up at you. “We tried but your guards told us you were not present... at least We think that is what occurred. It is still difficult for us to remember.”

Hmm, you must have been working. Oh well. “Thanks for trying anyway, Luna. And don’t tell Celestia about anything.” She is still under the impression you are all friends.

“We would never do such a thing as foolish as that.”

You smile and take a deep bow. “Good night, Princess. Sleep well. You need it.”

You walk out of the room and head back down the stairs.

==========

You walk back down the stairs of Luna’s grand tower alone. You hope to see Celestia before she goes off to work. You don’t have to be at work for a few more hours, so you don’t know what to do.

You walk through one of the entrances to the Royal Dining Room to see Celestia sitting by herself at the long table, reading the newspaper and drinking her tea. The entrance in which you are standing is located directly behind Celestia. She can’t see you.

‘Well,’ you think, ‘I don’t have anything to do… and she’s right there… so, why not?’ your brain quickly formulates a plan of action. One that Celestia will probably not enjoy, but you will thoroughly.

Before entering the Dining Room, you decide to enter stealth mode via taking off your shoes. Those things tend to make a lot of noise, but without them, you’re like a ninja. A ninja in socks.

You begin tiptoeing into the room, keeping your gaze glued upon Celestia’s ears. You know that if they move, she hears you. You look around the room periodically, making sure the wait staff is nowhere to be found. If they see you, Celestia might see them, and then, in turn, see you. You do not wish to compromise your mission, so you keep vigilant.

You are almost within reach of your Princess. You are so close you can smell her perfume. Very sweet and pleasant. Your mind begins to enter a daze as you continue to breathe in her perfume. You try to keep yourself from choking.

‘Why the hell does she wear this!?’ you exclaim in your head. ‘It’s as if she wants to intoxicate and choke whoever gets within 10 feet of her!’

You figure she would actually want to disable anyone who gets close to her during the daytime. If somepony gets too close for comfort, then they’ll pass out. You’ve hugged and came in contact with Celestia during the day and you have never had any problems with her perfume. Maybe she’s using too much. Or a different kind.

You slowly extend your arms to either side of your body. You are within range now. Only a matter of seconds before…

You quickly wrap your arms around Celestia and squeeze. Your Princess audibly gasps and nearly jumps out of her seat upon sensing your unexpected hug. You don’t move at all as you struggle to keep yourself from breaking out into laughter.

You feel Celestia settle down before touching your arms with a hoof.

“I’m going to have to kill you for that,” she says, seemingly out of breath. “That really startled me.”

You continue to fight the urge to laugh. She is so cute when she wants to kill you. “What?” you ask in an attempt to play dumb. “I merely gave you a hug. Is it a crime to love you?”

“When you scare me like that? Yes. Yes it is.” Your grip gets a little tighter as you kiss the side of her neck. You feel Celestia’s heart racing. You really did scare her. Heh heh.

“Aw, I was just trying to give my Goddess some love. Nothing wrong with that.” You release your grip and take a seat in Cadence’s empty chair.

“I have been alive for thousands of years. I have seen many things. Some great, some terrible. I dare say there are not many sights that I haven’t seen. Because of this, I am not easily scared. So, every once in a blue moon when I am, I hate it.” She turns back to her newspaper.

Well shit. You were just trying to give her a hug.

“I was just trying to give you a hug. It’s not my fault you didn’t hear me.”

She gives you a disapproving look. “Then why did you take off your shoes?” Damn.

“Alright you got me. I was trying to scare you. And I have no regrets. Your reaction was pretty funny.” She rolls her eyes.

You continue. “And what is with your perfume? Are you trying to suffocate me?”

“If you scare me again I will. What’s wrong with my perfume? I’ve been using the same kind for almost 80 years now. I thought you liked it.” She pouts.

‘Oh my sweet Jesus she is so cute when she pouts,’ you think. It’s not very easy to make your Goddess pout. She generally gets her way, being Princess and all. Even when she’s with you, when she asks for something, she’ll more often than not get it. But on the rare occasions which you don’t give her something or she doesn’t get her way with you, she pouts. And when she does, you have a heart attack, die, wake up a minute later, and give her whatever she wants. It’s a terrible cycle.

“Please don’t make that face, honey. You’re going to kill me.” You put a hand over your heart.

Celestia’s face doesn’t change. She knows that she has power over you right now, and she plans on using it. “What face?” she continues to pout, lowering her head slightly.

Oh Lord Jesus.

“Please stop. I will give you anything if you stop,” you beg.

“I just want to know what’s wrong with my perfume.” She looks down. “I thought you liked it.”

“I do! I like it! Just stop making that face!” she looks back up at you smiling. “Thank you. I didn’t say I didn’t like your perfume, I just think you put on a little too much this morning is all.”

“Oh, that's right,” she says as if being explained something blatantly obvious. “No. I believe you’re smelling my new perfume. While you were gone, one of the servants recommended a new kind. To put it briefly, I decided to put some on just to try it. So you don’t like it?”

You roll your eyes. “Absolutely not. You almost killed me.”

“Hmm,” she ponders. “Maybe I should wear this more often then?” she smiles.

You continue to talk to Celestia for another half an hour or so. You jump topics like it’s your job. Nothing memorable is said. Just idle chit chat between lovers in the early hours of the day.

Celestia rises. “I’m sorry, honey, I have to go. I have a meeting in a few minutes.” You feel sad. You don’t want Celestia to leave. You want to sit and talk all day. Why does she have to work so much?

You rise from your seat as well. “Okay. I may as well walk around Canterlot for a while. I haven’t done that since when I first got here.” Canterlot is a very big city. Due to this unfortunate fact, you have not seen all of it yet. You rarely even leave the Castle. You only do when you go to work, drink, or out to dinner, which is pretty rare.

You pull Celestia in for a kiss, wrapping your arms around her neck. You’ve always wanted this. You’ve always wanted someone to kiss. Someone to hold. Someone to say ‘I love you’ to and have them say it back. Someone who you know will never leave you, even if the world is falling apart around them. Someone who genuinely cares for you. Someone that you love more than anything, ever.

You couldn’t be happier right now. Mere months ago you were alone. You slept alone. You did everything alone. But now, you have someone with you, and it means more to you than you ever imagined it would.

You break the kiss and Celestia nuzzles your cheek with hers. You hear her take a deep breath. “I love you,” you say. “More than anything else that has ever existed, I love you.”

She stops nuzzling you to plant a loving kiss upon your lips. “And I love you. I would never even dream of being with anyone else. I love you.” She smiles. You feel yourself smile as well.

Your arms are still around her as you pull her in for a hug. You don’t want to be anywhere else than right here, in the Dining Room, holding your Princess. If you had the option to go to the Caribbean on the condition you let go of Celestia, you would turn it down without a second thought. You couldn’t be happier.

“I need to go, honey,” you hear Celestia whisper. You know she has to leave. But you really don’t want her to.

“Okay,” you sigh as you let go. “I’ll see you tonight. Hopefully it won’t be as long a day as yesterday.”

“Okay. Have a good day, sweetie.”

“You too.” You turn, walk out of the Dining Room, walk out of the Castle, and begin your exploration of Equestria’s capital.

==========

You take a few minutes to simply roam around the grand Castle that you call home. You thought about talking to the guards, but you shouldn’t. They are supposed to remain absolutely stoic, unless attacked of course. But considering you’re dating their Princess, they’d most likely forgo their vow of silence in order to talk to you. You couldn’t do that. They’ve been trained for years not to talk, so you shouldn’t screw that up.

Damn.

That means you have nopony to talk to. You could go to the barracks, but only fifteen ponies would be there at this time, and they’re probably all asleep.

Damn.

Luna went to bed. Shining is definitely working. He’s always working. Cadence is doing whatever it is she does; probably at that meeting Celestia is at. And Blueblood can go to hell.

Damn.

You have absolutely nopony to talk to. Which you quickly realize, sucks.

‘May as well go out somewhere,’ you think. ‘Got some time to kill.’

You make your way out of the Castle, down the steps, out the heavily guarded gate without a problem, and begin walking down the block.

As you walk, you think of things. And by things, you mean thing. And by thing, you mean Celestia, obviously. You’re always thinking about her. She just makes you so happy. You’re high and you never want to come down from it.

Eventually though, your thoughts flicker to work. You still have paperwork to do. A lot of paperwork, at that. It’s not going to be a fun day. Oh well.

After a few minutes of walking you finally reach a market. Canterlot is a very large city, so there are many markets. You just so happened to stumble upon the one that is closest to the Castle. It’s not very big, but it’s always crowded with ponies either buying things or trying desperately to just get through the street.

Your attention shifts to the ponies on the street for the first time on your morning walk. About 99% of the ponies that you see are already looking at you. You know why. It’s because you’re around two feet taller than they are and you’re courting their beloved ruler. You’re pretty sure that these ponies know that you are a Lieutenant in the military, so you hope they don’t think you’re just some guy who sits around the Castle all day. But you hardly care about what they think.

You walk around the market. It’s not like you have anything better to do.

You peruse the various produce which is displayed in the stalls on the crowded city street. Each stand seems to specialize in one thing. You see one stand just selling cherries... cherries. Nothing else.

‘How does that mare even make any money?’ you ask yourself. ‘Is there such a high demand for cherries that she can make an income? Shit’s crazy.’

You notice that not a single stand sells a large variety of produce or other goods. A couple stands sell two different items, but not more than that. You even notice a stand that sells pots and pans. This market has everything anypony could ever want.

“Excuse me, sir,” you hear an upper-class, obnoxious sounding, nasally voice come from behind you.

You turn around and see a stallion standing directly behind you. You’ve lived in Canterlot long enough to be able to discern a snooty upper-class stallion, and anypony else. This individual clearly falls into the former category.

You raise an inquisitive eyebrow. In your experience, the nobles of Canterlot love to talk, and hate it when other people talk. Thus, you’ve learned to stay as quiet as possible to avoid the inevitable noble temper tantrum.

“Might I have a word?” he asks in a very snooty voice. Just judging by the sound of his voice, you can tell he is about to complain about something.

Unfortunately though, you have never met this stallion. So you don’t know what he wants to complain about.

“Yeah, sure,” you respond shrugging. “What’s up?” You love talking as casually as possible with the elite of the city. The looks on their faces whenever you don’t use big words is priceless.

It’s his turn to raise an eyebrow at you. Well, he would if he had eyebrows. Ponies don’t.

“Yes, right,” he begins, sounding slightly unsure. “I would like to discuss Princess Celestia, if I may.”

“Sure. Why not?” It’s not like you have anything else to do for quite a few more hours.

“First, I would like to inquire as to why the sun was not raised on time. I waited a full five minutes before the sun rose.
You see, I own a fairly large business; ‘Pier One Exports’ is its’ name. I’m sure you’ve heard of it. I begin everyday promptly at sunrise.

I want to know why the sun was raised five minutes late! I lost a full five minutes of business! Time is money, you know.”

You really want to punch this guy in his obnoxious, complaining face. Yes, the sun was a little late this morning, but who cares? It was only five minutes. Celestia will raise the sun whenever she pleases. You hate how most nobles need everything to go exactly their way for them not to complain.

“Secondly, I would like you to convey a message to the Princess.” You wait for him to continue. “I wish for the new taxes on exports to be abolished; or at the very least, lessened. As my business name implies, I export all my products. With this new tax, I am quickly losing money.”

You decide to stop him there. You’re tired of listening.

“Wait,” you say, holding up a hand to stop him. He scowls at you for interrupting. “Let’s take one problem at a time.

“The reason as to why the sun was risen slightly later than normal is none of your concern. It’s not a big deal. It’s only five minutes anyway.”

“Not a big deal?!” the stallion shouts, causing many of the ponies shopping around you to stop and observe the scene as it unfolds. “How dare you! I had to start late! Late! I have never opened late in my entire life.”

“About your other problem,” you continue, “get over it.”

The stallion is shocked upon hearing your words. He visibly recoils and does a double-take to make sure he heard you correctly.

You continue. “It’s a tax. Everypony has to pay. It’s not just you. Besides, I can’t help you solve any of these problems. Go talk to Celestia if it’s really such a big deal.”

Most ponies see you on the street and look at you as a personal ambassador between themselves and the Princess. Which you’re not. If this guy wants to complain to Celestia, go complain to Celestia.

You shake your head. “Sorry buddy,” you say. “If you want to talk to the Princess, make an appointment and go see her yourself.”

“But I simply cannot find the time in my schedule to meet with her! So if you would please pass along a message I-”

“No,” you interrupt. The stallion scowls at you for interrupting him. “If you can’t find the time, it mustn’t be that big of a deal in the first place.”

“I assure you, it is a very big problem. It is imperative I discuss my problem with you so you may inform Celestia.”

“Yeah. That’s just not going to happen.” You glance at your watch. You still have two more hours until you have to be at work.

‘May as well finish my paperwork so I can workout today,’ you think.

“Sorry, bud, I gotta get going. I wish you the best of luck with your problem, though.” You begin to walk away. “Whatever it is.”

“Don’t walk away from me!” you hear the stallion shout angrily at you.

Without turning around, you raise your hand and extend your middle finger in the general direction of his voice.

Luckily, ponies don’t understand this rude gesture which you have just publically displayed. Flipping ponies off is the only thing you can do to keep from cursing them out in the middle of the street.

You walk a few blocks to the barracks. You walk through the lobby and through the weight room to your office. Nopony appears to be awake yet, or at least they’re not working out.

Figures.

You stroll into your office, sit down, open up the next file:

‘Private Shamrock,’ you read. ‘Let’s make this a good report.’

==========

Written by: ScatMan2001

Edited by: DoctorBrony

That's right. I have an editor now.

Special thanks to DoctorBrony from keeping me from looking like an illiterate moron

Chapter 4: First Impressions

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‘Oh God, this was the worst idea I’ve ever had,’ you think to yourself as an unknown pink pony bounces around your bed. ‘Why the hell did I agree to this?’

Before the two ponies’ friends arrived, you were sitting peacefully in your bed, in a completely non-stressful environment. Now, though, you have never felt more stressed in your entire life.

There are three horses in your room, all of which are currently vying for your undivided attention. It’s not like they’re real, so you try to play along. But that proves to be impossible as they all continue to shout at you.

The moment your door opened, a pink ball of pure hyperactivity literally popped up next to your bed, and began bombarding you with questions. It asked you what you are, where you’re from, if you like cake, and that she will be throwing you a huge ‘Welcome to Equestria’ party in one single breath. You eventually get a good look at her and notice she is entirely pink, with even darker pink hair and balloons sketched above her posterior.

You didn’t have time to answer any of her rapid-fire questions. Before you knew it, another horse was in your room. Only this one was flying above you. Some papers that were lying on your bedside table flew away, never to be seen again. The blur suddenly stops and floats directly above you, her face mere inches from yours.

“What the hay are you?” it asks. This flying horse had a light blue coat, a very interesting rainbow mane and tail, which you thought was awesome, and a cloud and lightning bolt tattooed on her rump.

‘What’s up with all these tattoos?’ you ask yourself.

Before you can entertain the rainbow themed horse with an answer, you feel something poke at your thigh. You wince. Your thigh is still rather sensitive, so no one should want to touch it.

You look down to see a purple horse with a horn on her head, poking at you with a hoof. Her horn is suddenly enveloped in purple light as a notepad and pencil are lifted out seemingly from nowhere. She begins scribbling something down, before poking at you again. This particular poking horse had a purple coat, dark purple hair with a pink highlight, and a weird star-looking thing surrounded by other stars on her rump.

You wince again. “What are you doing?” you ask the purple horse, reaching a hand down to place on your thigh. You hope the purple horse takes this a sign to stop touching you.

She looks at your hand and audibly gasps, jumping up into the air. Her purple eyes suddenly get very wide as she takes a moment to simply stare at your hand.

The purple unicorn’s horn suddenly goes purple, as does your favorite digited appendage.

An unseen force suddenly pulls your hand (along with the rest of your injured body, for that matter) towards the purple unicorn.

You wince in pain as your entire body is forced to the left side of your bed. Your left shoulder is suddenly crying out in pain at the sudden and violent movement.

“Ooh,” the purple unicorn says, seemingly fascinated with your hand. The pencil and notepad are levitated from the floor and float next to the captivated horse, as she observes your hand. She looks as though she is inspecting it for… some reason. You don’t know why.

She glances back and forth from your hand to her pad of paper as the pencil begins writing while suspended in mid-air.

The magic forces your hand around. One moment your palm will be facing the floor, then the door, then the roof, then back to the door.

You’ve had enough of this. “Excuse me?” you ask, louder than you originally intended.

You see her gasp at the sound of your voice.

“What are you doing?” You try not to let your annoyance become too apparent in your tone. First impressions and all that. But this purple pony is definitely making a terrible first impression.

“Oh, um, just taking notes.” She smiles sheepishly.

‘Taking notes on what?’ you ask yourself. ‘What’s going on?’

“Why are you taking notes?” you ask.

“What is this?” she asks, ignoring your question and interjecting her own.

“What’s what?” you half-groan. It’s taking all your willpower not to start yelling at these talking horses. You know they don’t exist, so why won’t they just leave?!

“This…” she points at your hand and looks back up at you, as if she expects you to finish her sentence.

“My hand?” you ask, unsure of what she really wants from you.

“Hand…” she slowly repeats. The pencil continues to write feverishly on the notepad. “Where have I read that before?” The question was aimed more at herself than you.

You take the opportunity to quickly withdraw your hand from the purple aura and hide it under the safety of your bed sheets. You shuffle your way back to your original laying position on the bed.

“Why do you want to know so much about me? Why are you taking notes?” you ask the purple one.

‘I’m not that interesting, you little hallucinations,’ you think to yourself. ‘Begone with you so I may wake up on my bedroom floor in peace!’

“Because Twilight always takes notes on everything, silly!” the pink one interjects. She is currently somehow face-to-face with you while upside down.

She hops down from the roof and legitimately bounces around your bed as she continues to ramble.

“She doesn’t know what you are so she’ll write down everything about you, and I mean everything, before going back to the library and studying ALL NIGHT until she finally finds something about whatever you are! Then she’ll come and tell me so I know what to call you! That way I can plan your party!”

“Actually,” the purple one says, “I’m gathering information for a report to Celestia. I’m sure she’ll want to hear about this.”

You decide to tell everyone your name.

“That’s the most awesomest bestest name I’ve ever heard in my entire Pinkie Pie life!”

“What?” you hear the blue one ask. “That’s not even a name! What are you?”

“Why are you here?” the pink one asks now.

“Where did you come from?” the purple one cuts in, too.

You are quickly overwhelmed by these three horses advancing on you with their absurd questions that you don’t have time to answer. Over their questioning, you hear your heart monitor begin to beep faster and faster until-

“Girls! Enough! Y’all are scarin’ him!” you hear a familiar southern accented voice yell. Everyone freezes and looks
back towards the doorway. Next to the door stand an angry looking Applejack and an equally angry looking Rarity, shaking her head.

“Really, have you no manners?” Rarity chides. “And what did we say about overwhelming him? You all agreed to stand back and enter slowly, correct?”

Rarity and Applejack fully enter the room to stand at the foot of your unreasonably small bed.

The rainbow colored one answers. “Well, yeah, but Pinkie-“

“I will have none of that, Rainbow Dash. You should know better than to follow along with Pinkie Pie. Just look at him!” Rarity gestures towards you. “You nearly scared the poor thing to death!” You must have looked pretty scared because all their ears immediately fold down as sad looking expressions overcome their faces.

“Rainbow! Git on the ground this second!” Applejack says sternly, stomping the ground. “Y’all should know better than to fly around in here and go after ‘im like that.”

Rainbow floats dismally to the floor of your temporary bedroom.

“Twilight,” Rarity begins, “it is not socially acceptable for a lady to poke at anypony they just met for any reason at all. It is most unbecoming. Not to mention illegal.”

Twilight tries to justify herself. “But I was just-“

“No excuses!” Rarity interrupts. “Just think of how you may have offended He is very injured! You shouldn’t be touching him at all!”

Twilight looks down, dejected.

“And you, Pinkie Pie,” Rarity continues, putting emphasis on the word ‘you,’ as though the pink horse is her arch-enemy.

“Yes?” Pinkie says with a smile and a flutter of her eyelashes.

“WHAT did we say about bombarding the poor soul with your questions?! You nearly gave him a heart attack!” Pinkie looks sadly at you before looking at the floor. “Now, I want all of you to apologize. This. Instant.”

“We’re sorry,” come the chorus of monotone replies from the three aforementioned horses. They all look down at the floor with their ears folded down. You think that this is the saddest sight in the world. They look absolutely adorable when they’re sad, but you want them to be happy.

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” you respond, trying to sit up, and failing. “I know you all have questions, but uh, one at a time would be nice.”

The pink horse is the first one to recover. She immediately looks back up at you with the biggest smile and the biggest blue eyes you have ever seen.

“Ooh! Ooh! I have a question!” she starts bouncing in place.

“Alright, ask away.” You prepare yourself for whatever question the pink horse’s mind will conjure up next. Hopefully nothing too weird.

“Where’s Fluttershy?” she asks you with a big smile.

‘What the hell’s a Fluttershy?’ you ask yourself. Pinkie’s question has left you baffled. You assume that this ‘Fluttershy’ is another one of these horses, but you haven’t seen anything besides the ones in your room.

You see the purple horse roll her eyes and begin to meander out of the room.

You exchange looks with the four remaining equines currently standing in your room.

Rainbow, Rarity, and Applejack all look over towards the door, waiting for the ‘Fluttershy’ to enter. Meanwhile, Pinkie stares at you with a huge smile plastered on her face.

You look over at her. You don’t know what to do.

‘Should I smile? Should I wave?’ you ask yourself. ‘Please stop looking at me!’

“Hello,” you smile nervously.

“Hi!” she shouts excitedly, continuing to look at you.

“Fluttershy!” you hear a voice yell from the hallway outside your door. “Come inside! Don’t you want to meet him?”

“Oh, no, no, absolutely not!” you hear another pony half-yell. She sounds like she was trying to shout, but just couldn’t for whatever reason.

“Why not? He wants to meet you!”

“No! Rainbow said that thing in there is from an alternate universe, and breathes fire and eats pegasi! And I’m a pegasus, Twilight!”

Everyone’s head turns to look at the rainbow maned pegasus and glares at her. They seem angry, but you can only look at her in confusion. You have no idea what is going on right now.

“Then why would Rainbow go in there?” the louder voice asks flatly.

“S-she told me that she’s not afraid of anything, and-”

“Fluttershy!” the soft voice is interrupted. “You’re going in! We have to make a good first impression!”

‘Too late for that.’

“No! Twilight! Put me down! Please!” the soft voice begs. By the way she is desperately pleading not to enter the room, you’d think she was about to be executed or something. You can hardly blame her for not wanting to meet you. Who would ever want to meet you? But this is ridiculous.

“I’ll give you anything you want!” the soft voice pleads. “Money? Pets? Books? Whatever you want, I’ll get you! Please, Twilight!”

The purple horse rounds the corner and enters your room with her horn aglow. Immediately behind her, a yellow pegasus with a pink mane and butterflies on her rump is floating in mid-air, surrounded by a purple light.

The yellow pony is desperately trying to free herself from the magical grip in a useless attempt to escape. From you.

The yellow pegasus is levitated to the foot of your bed, and released from the purple light. She falls a few feet onto the floor.

She looks up at you. Her eyes widen instantly as they connect with yours.

You don’t know what to do. “Um... hello?” you greet, wary of her reaction.

“Meep!” the yellow horse says/ gasps, before tearing out of the room at light speed.

‘It was nice to meet you too.’

==========

You place your quill back into the ink jar before leaning back in your chair. You don’t know how long you’ve been writing today, probably a couple of hours, but what matters the most right now is the fact that you’re done.

You take a moment to close your eyes and allow your mind to go blank. You had to work pretty hard on these final recommendations. You don’t know some of the ponies as well as you do others, so you had to wrack your brain for information regarding some of them.

You take a few moments to think.

‘Man,’ you think. ‘I wish I could’ve seen Luna getting wasted.’ You laugh. ‘Or at least see her throw a cake at Blueblood. That bastard’s probably trying the clean his coat right now.’

You think of Celestia a little. It’s a shame that she has a job where she works nearly 24 hours a day. If she didn’t, you’d be able to spend more free time with her.

Whenever you don’t have to work, Celestia does. Despite this, you still try to spend time with her.

If she’s in a meeting and you’re allowed to enter, you always do, just so you can sit with her, or at least be in the same room as her. The noble ponies that attend most of those meetings don’t really like you. Which is fine. You don’t like them. Finding a Canterlot noble who isn’t a self-obsessed prick is harder than finding Waldo.

Whenever you’re not allowed to enter, though, you will either walk around the castle or find some friends. But, considering your friends have their own jobs to do, due to the fact that most of them are in the military, you’re often left alone.

Which sucks.

Your all-time favorite past time with Celestia is walking through the Castle garden at sunset.

The way the orange glow of the sun reflects off of Celestia’s gleaming white coat is simply captivating. The flowers are nice too, but the most beautiful thing in that garden is undoubtedly Celestia.

You haven’t walked through the garden in a while, though. You’ve both been far too busy for that. You think that you can get home early tonight, so you can both take a stroll through the garden after dinner.

Dinner…

Food…

You want food. You’re becoming hungry. You can feel it.

Your tummy rumbles as you open your eyes to stare at the white ceiling above you. You visualize yourself eating a hamburger… a chicken too… and an entire pig…

Your hallucinating is not doing you any good. You’re just becoming hungrier as time slowly passes. You feel your head throbbing as the clock slowly ticks every second away.

You sit up in your chair and stare down at your now empty desk. On the corner of your desk lie in the ‘out’ bin 80 green folders. 80. That’s a ton.

In all honesty, it should’ve only taken you one day at most to do all the reviews, but you found yourself constantly distracted by the various trinkets in your room.

For example, on the far right side of your desk, sits a Newton’s Cradle. You continued to lift up one ball and release it before observing the balls on either end of the cradle bound back and forth. You probably stared at that thing for an hour. It’s just so cool.

You stand up in from your comfortable swivel chair, you notice your golden door handle glow a dark gray.

‘What the-?’ you begin asking yourself. You quickly realize that the door knob is glowing because, obviously enough, somepony is opening it. You may live in a land fraught with flying and magical creatures, but it still confuses you whenever your door handle starts glowing.

Your office door opens towards you, and in walks a close friend of yours; Sherman.

Sherman is an orange unicorn with a fiery red mane and a light red tail. He’s probably one of the only ponies you’ve seen with two different colors for his mane and tail. His cutie mark is, as one may assume, a torch.

He sees you and immediately snaps to attention. “Letter for you, sir!” he practically shouts, quickly pulling out a letter from his saddlebags and floating it over to you.

You take it out of his magical grip without saying anything, unfold it, and begin reading.

Lieutenant,

I would like to congratulate you and your troops on a job well done. I regret that I couldn’t have been there to personally witness your handling of the riot, but from what I’ve heard, you did an admirable job.

I would like to inform you that I will be reviewing the Centuries in which I am in direct command of later in the week. That includes yours, Lieutenant.

Once I can finally rid myself of all this damn paperwork, I will make it my top priority to come down and inspect my troops.

Appreciate being a Lieutenant while you can. If you think that you have a lot of paperwork, I can guarantee you don’t want to see what I have to do on a daily basis.

Captain Sparrow, 1st Unicorn Legion.

“Thank you, Sherman,” you nod at the stallion still standing at attention. “That will be all. Dismissed.”

“Yes, sir.” He makes an about-face, exits your room, and closes the door behind him. You should probably write back to your Captain, but you really don’t want to. You just finished writing, and you should go work out before you are tempted to sit down again.

You hope your Captain didn’t hear about you allowing your soldiers to come in late today. You’re not sure if that is allowed in the military, but you’re pretty sure it isn’t. If Captain Sparrow finds out everypony showed up four hours late, you could be in a lot of trouble.

Captain Sparrow was Lieutenant of your Century before you joined the Legion. Once you became an officer though, he was promoted to Captain and you got to take his place. Pretty sweet deal.

You glance at your clock before exiting your office.

“Damn,” you mumble. “It’s almost 12:30.” You’ve been writing for quite a while.

Time for some exercise.

You open the door, and as you expected, you are greeted with the all-too-familiar scene of 80 ponies working out, sweating, and smelling terrible.

You take a deep breath. ‘Ah,’ you sigh happily to yourself. ‘Smells like pony sweat.’ You take another deep breath and choke back a gag. ‘Which smells disgusting.’

You look to your right and see Mace currently bench pressing an unknown amount of weight, with Pike nervously spotting him.

As the commanding officer, it is imperative that you continue to ensure the safety of all of your legionnaires. Considering that Pike was assaulted just a few hours ago, you should probably talk to him. Make sure the blow to his head isn’t causing him to hallucinate or anything.

“Hey Pike!” you call out when you’re about twenty-or-so feet away from where he is standing. Pike looks up at you. “How are you feeling, bud? Head hurt?”

Pike shakes his head and turns to fully face you. “No, sir,” he responds. “It hurt a little bit last night when I went home, but I just slept on it and now it’s fine.”

“PikePikePike!” you hear a strangled voice attempt to yell next to you.

You glance down to try to find the source of the strange noise, only to find Mace, who is currently being crushed by the weight he was previously lifting.

“Oh shit!” Pike yells as he quickly dashes over to Mace. You immediately follow him and grab onto the weight. Pike grips one end in his magic as you grip the other end in your hands before you both lift the bar up and set it to rest.

Mace sits up and takes a very deep breath as if this is the first time he’s breathed in years. He then quickly spins around and glares at Pike. “What the hell are you doing, moron? You could’ve killed me!” Mace places a hoof on his chest as he attempts to control his breathing.

“Relax, Mace,” you roll your eyes. You know he likes to have his moments of drama. “The weight you were lifting couldn’t have crushed a peanut, let alone you.”

Mace glares at you. “Whatever, Lieutenant.” Mace stands up and stretches.”Y’know boss, you should be more concerned over what just happened.”

You raise an eyebrow. “And why is that?”

‘This should be good,’ you think.

“Well, you see sir,” Mace begins, “Pike just attempted to murder a fellow soldier under your command.” He emphasizes his point by pointing a hoof at you.

“Is that so?” you ask, smiling at the absurdity of his unreasonable thoughts. “That’s a pretty serious allegation, Mace. Do you have any evidence to support your claim?”

“Absolutely, sir,” Mace stops stretching and stands in front of you and next to Pike. “You see, Pike here has been desperately craving a promotion for months now. And we all know that won’t happen.”

“Hey!” Pike interjects.

Mace ignores him. “I mean, just look at him, Lieutenant!” Mace begins circling Pike. “He is scrawny, jittery, and severely mentally handicapped.”

“You’re a fucking idiot,” Pike says, but Mace continues as though Pike isn’t even there.

“He saw a clear opportunity to terminate my position as a Sergeant in this Century, and he decided to try his luck and take a chance.

“He didn’t even have to try, sir. In fact, all he had to do was not try. As I was being crushed by the enormous weight pressing down upon my chest, Pike did nothing to save my innocent life.” Mace places a hoof on his own chest.

“That’s not even a crime, idiot,” Pike says. “It’s not a crime if you don’t save somepony.”

“Aha!” Mace exclaims. “See, Lieutenant? Pike had this all planned from the very beginning! He even just said it wasn’t it crime for not saving me! He is a murderer, and I demand he be thrown into the Royal Dungeons at once!”

“Mace,” you rub a hand down your tired face. “Shut. Up. I really don’t want to hear you speak right now.”

“But-“ Mace begins.

“Gulag,” you interject. “One more word, Mace, and I swear I will.”

Mace pouts. “Fine. Whatever. Let the murderer roam the streets freely, then!” He throws his fore hooves up in the air.

“I think it’s time for formation drills,” you say.

“Aw, but Captain-“ Sherman begins from behind you.

“No, Sherman,” you say sternly. You’re suddenly feeling much more tired than you were a few moment ago.

“Listen up, everypony!” you yell across the weight room. Everypony stops exercising and looks up at you. “Get suited up. Formation drills in ten minutes!”

You are met by various whines and groans, but you really don’t care. It’s been almost a week since the last time you led formation drills. Not that there’s much need for constant drilling. The only time you ever march in formation is when you’re in a parade, which only happens a couple times a year.

You don’t like parades. Well, parades aren’t bad. What you really don’t like is when you have to march in a parade. You are two feet taller than the next pony, so all the spectators are only looking at you.

You kind of wish that Equestria would go to war just so you could actually march in formation for a legitimate purpose. Of course, you don’t want anything bad to happen to your soldiers, but this endless drilling is very tiresome.

You go into the locker room and get into your armor along with every other pony. The scene you witness around you is much different from what you saw nine hours ago. Whereas then nopony was talking; now everypony is talking animatedly. You can easily tell they are much more awake then they were at 3 this morning.

You put on your body armor, shin guards, arm guards, and helmet; all of which are bright, shiny silver. Your entire uniform, obviously enough, had to be custom made. Not a single part of a pony’s armor could fit you. Especially the helmet. You tried on one of their helmets once. It resulted in one hour of frantic pulling until you and Mace could eventually pry the damn thing off your head.

But now you have a real helmet to fit your unnaturally large head. You put the helmet on, and tie the strings together underneath your chin to hold the cheek guards in place.

“All right, men!” you shout across the locker room. “Form up!”

Everypony scurries off to get into formation, preparing themselves for another long, boring day.

===========

The youth of Equestria astounds you. The way in which they behave, which is much different from children back on Earth, slightly baffles you. Of course, pony or human, they’re still children, so they’re very naïve. But the way in which they behave themselves is so radically different from each other that it manages to continuously confuse you.

You’re currently walking by a playground, of course. It is not healthy for one to be thinking of little children unless you’re constantly forced to do so. If you’re a parent or a teacher, then that’s fine, but I digress.

The young fillies and colts in Equestria are polar opposite from the youth of Earth in some aspects. For example, these fillies and colts are currently playing on a playground. You totally forgot playgrounds even existed. Children on Earth scarcely even go outside. Who needs to when you have the internet?

You blame the internet for corrupting the new generation of human children. When you were a youngin’, the internet hardly existed, and your generation is… well it’s okay, you guess. No way of knowing how they’re doing now. You don’t live on Earth. Who knows? Your generation may be the greatest generation the Earth has ever seen!

Probably not, but whatever.

Anyway, after leaving work for the day, Mace informed you that he needed to pick up his child from this very playground, which does not surprise you. Mace’s kid, along with most of the lower and middle class youth of Canterlot, always come here after school. It’s one of the only places for children to play in the whole city of Canterlot. You asked Mace why his wife didn’t just pick him up.

“She works late on Fridays,” Mace responded. “Then she’ll go home and cook. So I have to get him. It’s not a big deal. It’s only once a week.”

You don’t mind assisting in escorting Mace’s kid back home. Like most ponies, Mace’s boy loves you. Probably not because of your personality, but most likely because you look so abnormal relative to ponies. Kids seem to like that about you for whatever reason.

You all meander on up to the edge of the playground.

“Mace,” Sherman says, “hurry up. I need to smoke. I love fire.”

‘Probably because you’re named after a notorious pyromaniac,’ you think. You would never actually say that to Sherman. There are two main reasons as to why: First of all, it would be insulting. Secondly, he wouldn’t understand it anyways, so it doesn’t really matter.

Smoking is illegal at playgrounds. And it’s also illegal to smoke in most areas of the clean city. You can usually only smoke at bars or in your own home.

“Clay!?” Mace calls out, scanning the not-so-crowded playground. “Claymore!?”

No, Mace is not calling out for an explosive, command detonated mine, nor is he calling out for a medieval longsword; he is calling out for his son.

Names in Equestria confuse you. You’ve always wanted to do a scientific study on names and how they relate to an individual’s cutie mark. All ponies are named before they earn their cutie marks, so how is that 98% of the population has a name that is somehow related to their cutie mark?

Shit’s crazy.

Unfortunately, you’re not a scientist. So conducting such a study would prove to be extraordinarily difficult and time consuming. Due to the fact that you are abnormally lazy, you would never be able to do such a study, even if you did have the required technology and resources.

Claymore does not have a cutie mark yet. He’s only like… eight years old? You don’t know for sure. Not that it matters. He’s not your kid. But when he does get his cutie mark, it’ll definitely be a sword. Mines don’t exist in Equestria. At least you think they don’t. Otherwise the military would supply you with some and teach you how they work. Which would be pretty cool, but since they don’t exist here, you’ll never get to use one.

This saddens you. But you quickly change your attitude when you realize you’re living a fantastic life. What’s not to love about it?

You are living with the woman... well, mare, of your dreams, who is madly in love with you. You have great, close friends. You have a wonderful job, despite it being abnormally boring on occasion. In the end, you really can’t complain about your life. It’s pretty damn great right now.

“There he is,” Mace says, pointing to a giant swirly slide. “Claymore!” he yells to his son. “Time to go, bud!”

“Aw, but dad!” you hear Clay whine back from the top of the slide. “I don’t wanna go yet!”

“Sorry, Clay, mom told me to come get you!” he yells to the colt before addressing you. “And when she tells me to do something, I do it.”

You smile. You know the feeling. Whenever Celestia tells you to do something, you better go and do it; especially since Celestia, in a military sense at least, is in direct control of all of your actions. Luckily though, Celestia treats you like her boyfriend instead of a subordinate.

“Dad, just give me like, five more minutes!” Clay tries to reason.

“No can do, sport. Your mother wants you back home now!”

You hear Clay groan out of frustration from a few dozen feet away.

You understand what Clay is going through right now. When you were a kid and you were playing with your friends, you never wanted it to end. So when your parents inevitably called you back inside, you were pretty pissed.

Your childhood was traumatic.

Clay slides his way down the massive, red, swirly slide before sprinting towards his father.

“Are we going to The Clover again?” Pike asks, sounding as nervous as ever.

“Can’t,” Mace responds, sounding disappointed. “They’re still cleaning the place up from that riot last night. It’ll be a few days before they open again.” He sighs. “We gotta find somewhere else to go.”

“Where are you going, dad?” Claymore asks as he stops his sprinting directly in front of his father.

Mace laughs. “A place for grown-ups,” he says, giving his son a noogie.

“Dad!” Clay shouts in embarrassment, backing away. He pulls away from his father’s grip before restyling his silver mane.

Clay has a silver mane and tail, like his dad, but a dark blue coat and blue eyes like his mom. Like both of his parents, and most of the population in Canterlot, he is a unicorn.

That’s one of the great things about pony anatomy. You can always tell who a child belongs to by looking at the color of their coat, mane, and eyes. This isn’t always necessarily the case, but it’s true about 90% of the time.

“Ready to go, bud?” Mace asks, smiling at his son’s embarrassment.

“Yeah,” Clay says, sounding extraordinarily disappointed.

You all begin walking along the road towards Mace’s house. A great thing about Equestria is that the roads are for everypony. Back on Earth, roads were for cars, as you already know. Contrary to popular belief, the roads are not for bikers. Get a car or get off the road.

Equestria’s roads are probably most similar to the roads back in the 19th century. They’re paved nicely, like modern roads, and anypony can either walk on them or ride in a carriage.

And thankfully, there are no bikers.

The roads are beginning to get more and more crowded. It’s rush hour, it would seem. Everypony’s day job ends at the same time, which is now, and they are all meandering their way on home.

It surprises you that most ponies in Equestria own homes. Even in the city, there are quite a number of houses. They’re all very close to being physically connected to each other, but they’re still houses. It makes the city look nicer; wealthier, really. Apartments tend to have the ability to make a city look like a run-down pile of shit.

7-11’s also tend to make a city look worse. In a city as high-class as Canterlot, though, you won’t find any store that even slightly resembles a 7-11. Everything in Canterlot is expensive and pretty high quality. It’s a good thing you’re sleeping with Celestia, otherwise you’d be on a mad financial struggle.

“Dad,” Clay says, earning everyone’s attention as you continue your journey along the crowded street. “When I grow up, can I go with you and your friends?”

“What’s wrong with your friends?” Mace asks jokingly.

“Oh, nothing,” Clay responds quickly. “I just want to hang out with the grownups.”

You also know that feeling. There are two ways in which children tend to view adults. One of them is children viewing adults as cool and wanting to be around them whenever possible. Claymore would fall into this category.

The other way children view adults is that adults are lame, boring, and/or stupid, and they never want to be seen in public with them, or do anything that they do.

“When you get older,” Mace says addressing his son with a smile, “you can hang out with us as much as you want.”

Clay smiles at his dad, clearly excited by the idea of one day being able to have adult friends.

The rest of the walk is uneventful, to say the least. Trying to work one’s way through the bustling streets of Canterlot is like trying to drive in D.C.

Which sucks.

Most ponies are walking. It’s easy and affordable to walk. But some of the wealthier ponies elect to ride in a carriage for whatever reason.

Ponies are allowed to walk on either side of the street. Back in the real world, one had to drive on a specific side of the road. Here, however, there are no traffic laws. So, if you can walk in a certain direction, and you want to go in that direction, you can. Nopony will stop you.

But there really should be some sort of traffic directing system in such a busy city. If everypony would just walk on one side of the road, it wouldn’t take you 15 minutes to take a 5 minute walk.

Everypony also feels the need to stare at you as they pass you by. It used to be kind of cool, how everypony would simply stare at you in awe. Your height and the way in which you generally look gathers a lot of attention from ponies.

If everypony would simply stop staring at you, face forward, and just GO then you could be at the bar by now. But no. You’re still journeying to Mace’s house.

The sight of said home suddenly brings you out of your sulking. You never thought you’d be so happy to see his small, rundown, two-hundred year old house.

Canterlot is a very old city. When Equestria was originally colonized, Canterlot was one of the first cities started.
You don’t know why anypony would want to live here. It takes hours to walk down the massive mountain the city is built into. God knows how long it would take to walk up.

And who built this city into a mountain in the first place? Honestly. Who looks at a tall, thin, unstable mountain, and thinks, ‘Hey, we should build a city up there.’ And who the hell are the ponies that agreed with him?

There have been many times in which you wanted to go to Ponyville to visit your first Equestrian pals, until you realize that journeying there is strenuous and not worth the effort. It’s a shame really. You still manage to visit Ponyville every once in a while, but not as often as you would like to.

Mace walks into his ancient, two story house, and you all decide to follow him inside.

All lower-middle class Canterlot homes are generally the same. When walking through the door, you have two options. You can either walk up the stairs to your left, or walk down a thin hallway to your right.

You follow Mace through the thin hallway into his kitchen and living room while Clay makes his way up to his room. After walking into the kitchen, you see Mace’s lovely wife, Morning Star.

Morning Star is a unicorn, like her husband and son. She has a dark blue coat, a black mane, a pair of blue eyes, and a spiked ball as a cutie mark. Her cutie mark is pretty strange, considering she’s an editor for the Canterlot Daily, a very popular newspaper company.

Morning Star is currently meandering about the kitchen. Cooking probably. You don’t know what else one does in the kitchen.

Morning Star looks up and smiles at her husband. “Hey, honey,” she casually greets. “How was your day?”

Mace yawns as loud and as dramatically as possible. “Oh, honey!” he practically shouts, sounding exhausted. “It was terrible! The things my boss does to me are unspeakable!” Mace raises a foreleg to his head, swoons, and falls to the floor of his kitchen.

“Oh, sweetie!” Morning Star gasps dramatically, playing along. “What did that nasty, dirty human do to you?” She jogs over to Mace, lifts him off the floor, cradles him, and looks into his eyes.

‘What?’ you think. ‘I bathe every single day! I smell wonderful!’

Mace releases a shaky breath. “H-he had Pike choke me!” he sobs. “He turned my friends against me! Just because he thought it was funny!” He buries his head in his wife’s chest. “It was terrible! I don’t want to go back! I don’t want to go back!”

Morning Star sniffles. “But sweetie, if you don’t go back, how we will put food on the table?! What will we do?!” she cries. “Claymore won’t be able to go to school! We won’t be able to pay our bills! We’ll have to leave town, and leave everything behind! Please, you must go back! You must!”

You roll your eyes. ‘How long have they been rehearsing this?’ you ask yourself. ‘This is ridiculous… but the acting isn’t bad.’

Mace takes a deep, shaky breath. “OK,” he says, exhaling. “I will go back and face that demon! And I will do it for you, my love.”

“Oh, Mace!” Morning star cries.

“Oh, Star!” Mace cries, embracing his wife.

You, Pike, and Sherman have been watching their acting for quite some time. It wasn’t bad, per se, just uncalled for. What did you do to warrant such a spectacle? Honestly?

“That was the greatest thing I’ve ever seen,” Sherman says, wiping a fake tear from his face. “Bravo! Encore!”

Mace and Morning Star stand and take a deep bow.

“Thank you, thank you,” Mace says, bowing again. “We’ve been rehearsing that for months now.”

“Really?” Pike asks.

“No. Not really. We just made it up right now. Pretty sweet, huh?”

Sherman jumps in. “Well in that case, the acting was phenomenal.”

Mace turns to you. “What’d you think, Lieutenant?” he asks you. “Pretty cool, huh?

You roll your eyes. “Yeah, it was great,” you reply sarcastically. “Am I really that bad of a boss?”

“Yes,” everypony in the room except Morning Star answers simultaneously.

‘Well shit.’

You turn towards Mace’s wife. “Hey, Morning Star,” you greet, politely. “How are you this fine evening?”

She turns to go back into the kitchen. “Not bad at all. How’s life in the Castle?”

You smile. Morning Star loves talking about the Castle. “Not bad. Still not used to the stairs though.”

She rolls her eyes. “You know,” she says, preparing you for a lecture, “there are ponies that would kill just to get inside of the Castle gate. So how can you complain about something as trivial as stairs?”

You shrug. “I don’t know. I don’t like stairs.”

You really do hate stairs.

Morning Star just rolls her eyes.

Pike and Sherman have moved themselves into Mace’s living room to sit down, while Mace goes through his refrigerator, probably looking for a drink.

“Don’t you think it’s kind of weird that you two got married?” you ask Mace and Morning Star.

They both look up at you quizzically, then at each other, and then back at you again. “What?” they both ask at the same time.

“Not that you guys aren’t a great match or anything,” you say quickly, not wishing to offend them. “It’s just your names…”

“What about them?” Morning Star asks.

“It’s just…” you try to think of a way to phrase what you want to say. “They’re… they both-“

“Can we leave now?!” Sherman whines from the other room, interrupting you. “I want to go now!”

Mace sighs. “Yeah, yeah, fine.” He turns to his wife. “Honey?” he asks, giving her his puppy dog eyes. “Can I go out with my friends?” He drags out the word ‘friends,’ trying to sound cute.

“Aw,” his wife says. “Of course you can go sweetie.” She puts a hoof on his cheek.

“Thank you, honey. You are too good to me.”

“And don’t you forget it.” She turns back into the kitchen. “Be back for supper!”

“I will, don’t worry,” he assures her.

Sherman and Pike rise from the sofa and join you and Mace. You all stroll through the abnormally thin hallway, waltz out the front door, and hunt for a new bar.

==========

You decide to order an orange soda and a sandwich. Back on Earth, you would be openly mocked and beaten for ordering what you did in a bar. In Equestria, though, it’s pretty normal.

You ordered an egg salad sandwich. According to the menu, the sandwich contains eggs, mayonnaise, celery, salt and pepper, and lettuce, all on toasted bread with a side of fries.

You’d rather have a hamburger or chicken sandwich, but this’ll do.

You’re at a new bar. The Flying Unicorn, is its’ name. It’s a normal sized bar, but there aren’t very many ponies in here. Which is strange. Bars tend to get very crowded every single night, no matter what day it is.

You don’t want to drink any alcohol. You actually plan on leaving early so you can be with Celestia. It’s been far too long since the both of you spent some quality time together. You would love it if you could get home in time for a walk in the Castle Garden.

You take a bite of your sandwich.

“How is it?” Mace asks, his mouth stuffed with French fries.

Now that he asks, it tastes kind of funny. Not bad, really. Just… different.

“Not bad,” you respond shrugging. It’s not a lie, but it’s not the truth either. “Tastes different from what I’m used to, but it’s fine. How are the fries?”

“Mmph mmd mmeemmr,” he attempts to respond, his mouth stuffed with an unnecessary amount of fried potatoes.

“You’re a pig,” Sherman says looking at Mace, taking a sip of his dark beer.

Mace swallows. “You’re a ‘whorse.’” He doesn’t miss a beat.

‘What?!’ you exclaim internally, desperately trying to keep yourself from laughing. ‘That’s such a terrible pun!’

“You’re mom is my best customer,” Sherman retorts.

“Dude, my mom is like, 70 years old,” Mace responds, disgusted.

“I am aware,” Sherman says, keeping a straight face.

“Do you know what it feels like to be bucked in the mouth?” Mace asks. You continue to eat your sandwich.

“If I say ‘yes,’ will you buck me?” he narrows his eyes and leans forward. “Will you buck me hard?”

“Probably.”

Pike facehoofs. “Guys,” he says, sounding very tired, “shut… up. Please, just be quiet. For the love of Celestia...”

Ponies seem to love taking the name of your marefriend in vain. You don’t like it, but you’re not going to correct them. Freedom of speech and all. You figure it’s just like saying “Oh my God!” or “By the Hammer of Thor!” back on Earth.

“Fine,” Sherman surrenders, turning to Pike. “What do you want to talk about then?”

“Literally anything besides Mace’s mom.”

You finish your sandwich, down your drink, and dry your hands on your napkin.

You look up at the clock.

‘6:00 o’clock,’ you observe. ‘Good. I still have about a half-an-hour.’

“Well gentlemen,” you begin, rising from your uncomfortably small wooden seat. “It’s been a pleasure as always, but alas, I must bid you adieu.”

“You are such a mare sometimes,” Sherman points out, levitating a cigar out of seemingly nowhere.

You roll your eyes. “Whatever. I need to go. I’ll see you all bright and early tomorrow.”

Mace groans, slamming his head hard down on the table. “But Cappy,” he drawls, assumingly addressing you. “Can’t we have a day off?”

You smile and shake your head. “No. And if you’re late tomorrow I’ll give you something to actually go complain to your wife about.”

‘That sounded a lot more heterosexual in my head,’ you think, becoming aware of what you said.

Mace lifts up his head and gives you a semi-seductive smile. It would probably be more seductive if he wasn’t so damn ugly.

“Is that a threat or a promise?” he asks.

You don’t know how to respond. So you decide to be as neutral as you can in this situation.

“Both,” you say. “It depends if you enjoy it.”

Pike facehoofs before saying, “Why do I allow myself to be seen in public with you guys? Honestly.”

Sherman quickly steps in. “‘Cause without us you’d have no friends and be a lonely, worthless, poor, sack of shit.” Sherman brings his cigar up to his mouth with his magic.

“Sounds right to me,” Mace says.

“That’s why I hang out with you guys,” Sherman says, nodding to Mace. Sherman strikes a match, which you weren’t aware he had in his possession until now, and lights his cigar.

“But Cappy,” Mace says, presumably addressing you. “Vinyl and Octavia are supposed to meet us here in like, fifteen minutes. Why don’t you stay?”

You shake your head. “I would if I could. But I can’t, so I won’t.”

“But they really wanted to see you.”

You shrug. “I’ll just have to see them some other time. Sorry. If I don’t go back to the Castle right now, though, I might not be able to see Celestia for the rest of the night.”

It’s true. Celestia works a lot. At night, she prefers to sort through her mail. And she gets a lot of mail. Some of them are simple ‘Thank You’ cards from foals in school. But some are very important bills and various documents that must be read and responded to by the next morning.

“Must you really smoke next to me?” Pike asks, drawing attention to himself and Sherman as he backs away slightly. “It smells disgusting.”

As much as you would love to watch Sherman and Pike argue about the morality and health effects of smoking, you have much more interesting things to do. Like staring at Celestia, for example. Which is a much more efficient way to spend your time.

“I’ll see you guys tomorrow,” you say turning around.

You don’t think they heard you, though, as Sherman and Pike continue to argue. Not that you care. You don’t want to talk to them anyway. You want to go home.

You walk out the door and into the significantly less crowded and cold streets of Canterlot, and see the sun descending towards the horizon.

‘Time to go home.’

==========

Your hatred for stairs increases every time you encounter them. If stairs was a pony, you would punch him right in his ugly, exhausting face.

But the stairs in the Castle are marble. Which is a solid. So if you punched a marble pony, you’d probably break your hand. And all of your fingers. And your wrist for that matter.

You decide that getting a hobby is probably the best way to relieve your stress.

‘What do ponies do to relieve stress?’ you ask yourself.

‘Singing. Most ponies sing.’

You can’t sing. You’re physically able to, but for the sake of those ponies blessed with the gift of hearing, you decide not to as often as possible.

‘Hmm… some ponies… collect stamps! I could collect stamps…’

No you can’t. Stamp collecting sounds extraordinarily boring. Collecting stamps would probably do nothing for your stress levels. If anything, it would increase it.

As you ponder what hobby you should take up, you come to the top of the final staircase; the top of the tower. You look down the hallway and see your large, golden bedroom doors shut, with two guards standing stoically outside.

Maverick and Eagle-Eye haven’t showed up yet. They don’t start working for a few more hours.

During the day, Royal Guards are randomly selected for the job of watching over your quarters. Thus, you do not immediately recognize these two particular stallions who guard your Princess.

Unlike the daytime guards, night-guards are specially selected. For whatever reason, Shining thought that would be best. You guess Shining figured that if anypony was going to attack Celestia in her chambers, they’d probably do it at night.

But Equestria is far too peaceful, and Celestia is much too loved, for anypony to even think about entering the Castle without explicit permission.

You want to stop and talk with these unnamed guards, but you can’t. Time is wasting.

You keep walking forward, on a direct collision course with your doors. At the last second, though, the door handles glow green, and your doors open into the room, away from you.

You walk through, enter your bedroom, and hear the doors close behind you. As opposed to most nights when you return home, you are not blinded by darkness.

The sun is still in the sky, and it bathes your room in a soft, late-evening light. You notice your balcony doors are closed, which is good. The temperature is quickly dropping. The pegasi must be preparing for winter in their usual fashion, which would be a massive snowstorm.

When the seasons change in Equestria, they change immediately and dramatically. For example: the transition from spring to summer, which you got to experience firsthand. In the spring, it was warm and rained a couple of days a week. Then, the next day, the temperature increased to about 120% of what it previously was (or something like that) and the rain stopped.

Pegasi don’t screw around with the weather. When it’s time to change the seasons, they take it pretty seriously.

So you’re assuming that the pegasi are now preparing the city for winter… by giving you a snowstorm. Seems logical.

It doesn’t matter. You love winter. It’s cold, and snowy, and it’ll give you excuses to cuddle with your Princess.

Speaking of Celestia, she is currently where she usually is when you come home; on her purple cushion in front of the fireplace, reading letters.

Her big, purple eyes look up from her letters and gaze into yours.

She smiles. “Good evening, honey,” she greets.

You walk on over to where your Goddess is laying, bend down, and share a quick kiss hello. “You have more mail,” Celestia informs you after pulling away, motioning towards your dresser with her head. “I put it over there for you.”

You smile. “Why thank you, my dear,” you respond. “That was very kind of you.”

You stroll on over to your dresser, and stare at the stack of letters that sit on top of it.

‘I guess I can spare a few moments to read some of these,’ you figure. ‘How long could it take?’

You grab the stack of letters, walk over to your bed, and sit, resting your tired legs. You open the first letter and begin reading.

Hello!

I am a Prince from the Crystal Empire, and I need you to send me money! I-

You stop reading the letter there. Even in Equestria, away from electronic mail, you still manage to get spam. You thought that by coming to the land of magic and happiness that you could escape these pesky letters. Turns out you were wrong.

You open the next letter.

Do you want to extend the size of your horn three whole inches, free of charge, and improve your love life? Now you can! All you have to do is-

You stop reading again.

You’re done with this. You still have a whole stack of letters to read, but you’re pretty sure there’s still a ton of spam still left. And you are not in the mood to be reading spam.

‘Who the hell sends spam letters?!’ you ask angrily to yourself. ‘Honestly! There is no reason for me to get these damn things in the mail anymore!’

You have no idea who it was that decided Equestria needed spam. It isn’t even necessary on e-mail, so why would it be needed in the Pony Express?

Whatever. It’s just one of those things that you can’t control.

You put the letters back on top of your dresser. You know that if you don’t read them now, you’ll have them, and then some more, to read later on. Which is fine. You don’t care. You just want to go for a walk.

You raise yourself off of the abnormally soft mattress, walk over to Celestia, and lie down on your back next to her.

No sooner do you lie down than Celestia drapes her wing over top of you. You love it when she does that. Her wings are always so soft and warm; it’s like a giant blanket.

“Celestia?” you ask, staring up at the ceiling.

“Hmm?” Celestia asks, still looking at the papers she is levitating in front of her.

“Do you think we could go for a walk?” You don’t want to pressure her into doing it. If she’s too busy, then that’s fine. You understand.

She doesn’t respond, so you decide to continue. “I was thinking today, how we haven’t walked through the gardens together in a while. And considering today is the last day before winter, I was wondering if you wanted to. I understand if you’re too busy, though. You are the Princess.”

Celestia’s wing retracts to her side, and you immediately assume you said something wrong.

‘Oh shit,’ you think. ‘Did I upset her? Did I pressure her? Did I ask a bad time? Did-‘

You are suddenly pulled out of your thoughts as you feel Celestia’s lips meet yours. You are stunned for moment, but begin to press back.

You sigh in relief as you continue kissing. You thought you royally screwed up. Guess not.

Celestia pulls away and smiles down at you. “I’d love to,” she says, barely above a whisper. Her horn suddenly becomes very bright as you feel a force under your shoulders, lifting you up to your feet.

You exhale. “That’s a relief. I thought I may have upset you.”

Celestia kisses your cheek. “I don’t think you could ever upset me.” She smiles at you. “Even if you tried.”

You smile. “Is that a challenge?”

“If you somehow do manage to upset me, I’ll throw you into the Castle dungeon. How does that sound?” Her smile grows.

“Honestly, that sounds terrible.” You give her a quick kiss on her snout. “I think I’ll do my best to keep you happy.”

“I’d like that,” Celestia says as she wraps you up in her giant, white wings, bringing you in for a kiss.

She sighs happily as the kiss continues. This is the happiest you’ve ever been in your entire life. Your life up until your ‘accident,’ as you like to call it, wasn’t too great. You always felt that there was something… missing, you guess. You could never quite put your finger on it, but there was a part of you that was empty.

Now that you’re in Equestria, though, you feel full, consoled, no longer an empty shell. You attribute this to your marefriend, of course. Ever since you started dating Celestia, you’ve never felt happier in your life.

Celestia breaks the kiss. “Ready to go?” she asks with a soft smile. “We better be on our way before it’s time to set the sun.”

“Ladies first,” you say, gesturing towards the door.

You walk out of your room and prepare yourself for the long trek down the dozens of flights of stairs.

==========

'Wow,’ you think. ‘I completely forgot how beautiful this place was.’

You love the Castle gardens. The vibrant and colorful flowers are beautiful to look at, pleasing to smell, and the animals…

The exotic animals are very interesting to listen to. The gardens are home a very wide variety of creatures. There are simple animals like squirrels, chipmunks, hummingbirds, and rabbits that you always see upon entering the labyrinth of flowers, trees, shrubberies, and statues.

But there are also animals you would normally find in a zoo back on Earth that live in these gardens. For example, the last time you were in here, you swore you saw a koala bear. You don’t know if your mind was just screwing with you, or you actually saw a small bear-like creature commonly found in Australia chilling in a tree.

You asked Celestia if there are any other abnormal creatures, but Celestia admitted that she has no idea.

“I always tell the Chief Gardener to ‘surprise me’ every year,” she responded, back when you first asked her. “It’s exciting walking through the gardens at the beginning of each spring, not knowing what new and exotic animals or plants I’ll find.”

After entering the garden, you tried to search for more wild, yet harmless, creatures found in the garden, but quickly gave up. Once you left the warmth of Celestia’s wing, you immediately regretted it, and ran back to her after only a few moments. She just laughed and accepted you back into her warm embrace.

It’s a shame really. You wanted to find those creatures before they began hibernating, but it appears you have failed.

Oh well. It doesn’t matter anyway. What truly matters at this specific moment is that you are in Celestia’s embrace, in one of the most beautiful places you have ever visited.

You both walk in silence, simply content with each others’ company, gazing at the scenery surrounding you. You have your arm around Celestia’s shoulder. Celestia has her wing draped over your back, keeping you warm, and has her head resting against yours.

After a few minutes of walking, you finally reach Celestia’s favorite part of the garden. You like to call it ‘the hill,’ because you are very uncreative.

However, it is appropriately named because it is, as one may assume, a hill.

This particular location is hardly a hill, though. It’s more like a slight elevation. The only way to get here is to meticulously search the hundreds of pathways for a couple of minutes, until you finally reach a small set of stairs.

You hate stairs, but in a small quantity, they’re manageable.

You ascend the white steps, still holding Celestia, and come to the top of the bluff.

There is a small area of grass surrounded by a long row of bushes. The green shrub encompasses the perimeter of the hill except for the staircase. From atop of this small, grassy platform, you can see far out into the garden in any direction you please.

Celestia used to come up here all the time. Or so she told you. She apparently used to come this spot, look at the sky, and think. But ever since you’ve arrived in Equestria, Celestia stopped coming out here to think, and instead comes out here with you, just for the sake of being with you.

The most beautiful thing about this small section of the garden, besides Celestia of course, is the flowers in the surrounded hedge. During the day, you wouldn’t be able to tell these flowers are special in any way whatsoever. But at night, these flowers, the ones currently all around you on this small hill, glow.

These flowers literally glow in the dark. When Celestia first told you this, you were rather skeptical. But, like always, she was telling the truth. When night comes, these flowers glow neon green: it’s beautiful.

You don’t know how these flowers are capable of glowing, but stranger things have happened. Look at yourself, for example. You’re pretty weird.

You figure that the flowers are radioactive. Seems logical enough. But considering that you’re living in a world with 0% logic, it doesn’t really matter. And if the flowers were truly radioactive, you’d probably be dying a slow, terrible, agonizing death.

Which you are not.

You break away from Celestia as you approach the center of the small, grassy area. The cold air hits you like a freight train, and all the hairs on your arms, legs, and the back of your neck immediately stand.

You lie down on your back and stare up at the late-evening sky. The sky is a nice shade of pink, red, and orange, which is absolutely breathtaking.

You feel Celestia lie down next to you. She drapes a foreleg over you, followed by her wing, before kissing you on the cheek. Her head eventually comes to rest on your chest as you continue to gaze up at the evening sky.

“Are you cold, honey?” you ask, concerned.

“I’m part pegasus,” she responds as her horn begins to glow gold.

‘What the hell is that supposed to mean?’ you ask yourself.

“Umm… so no?” You don’t know what her having to be a pegasus has to do with anything.

She laughs a little, probably at you. “No, sweetie,” she rubs her head against your chest. “I’m fine.”

As her horn continues to glow, you notice the red sky beginning to get darker.

As the sun sets and the darkness falls, you can barely make out various pegasi flying high above you, moving clouds around, presumably for the storm tomorrow.

You can feel the temperature dropping. You begin to shiver and your teeth begin to chatter. Unless you’re Russian, or a whale, when it’s this cold and you’re only wearing shorts and a t-shirt, you’re going to get pretty cold pretty fast.

The sky is entirely black now. The sun has officially set for the evening; Celestia’s horn stops glowing. On a normal night, you would be able to see the bright, shining stars and the moon, but the clouds block your view.

Which sucks.

You quickly realize the flowers surrounding you are glowing. You look around in awe of such a spectacle. No matter how many times you come here, you are always amazed.

You crane your neck to look down at Celestia, and notice that her fur is no longer white, but instead a faint neon green. It’s not a bad look, but she is much prettier with her white coat.

You exhale, and you can see your warm breath meet the cold air, and turn into steam.

“Are you ready to go back, honey?” you hear Celestia ask you, her head not leaving your chest. “You feel cold.”

She’s right. You’re freezing. No matter how warm her wing may be, it’s just not warm enough for these incoming winter temperatures.

“Yeah,” you exhale, shakily. “I’m ready if you are.”

It’s a shame that you were only out here for a few minutes, but it was nice while it lasted.

Celestia rises off of you, exposing you to the cold, and stands.

You follow immediately after her, wanting to return to the warmth of her wing.

Celestia notices how quick you get up. “Eager, are we?” she teases.

You smile. “I’m just really, really cold right now.” You shiver as she wraps her wing around you once more. “Sitting by the fire sounds pretty nice.”

You feel Celestia’s warm tongue trace up your cheek. You weren’t aroused 20 seconds ago, but you really are now.

You look over at her. Her trademark soft smile that she’s always wearing is no longer there. In its’ place is the most seductive smile you have ever seen in your entire life.

She asks, “Maybe I can find a way to warm you up. Hmm?”

‘Sweet Jesus,’ you think, completely shocked.

You lunge at Celestia, completely forgetting yourself. You went from freezing, to cold, to moderately warm, and now you’re practically on fire.

Celestia yelps as you tackle her back down onto the cold grass. You manage to force her onto her back before straddling her stomach. You close your eyes as you bring her into a deep, lustful kiss.

‘D’ah shit!’ you mentally exclaim, continuing your kiss with your beautiful Princess. ‘We are outside… in the open… while the weather pegasi are probably watching us from the clouds.’

This thought does not hamper your progress in any way whatsoever. You don’t really like the idea of a bunch of ponies watching you, but you thoroughly enjoy the idea of you and Celestia making love outside.

You’ve always wanted to do it outside. And what better place than the garden? Unfortunately, due to the fact that there are some ponies that can fly, you’ve always been a little worried about being spotted by some hovering voyeurs. Or swingers.

And you’re not a swinger.

‘And Luna’s probably trolling around the skies somewhere too,’ you guess. Luna has been known to be in the wrong place at the strangest of times.

Celestia puts a hoof on your chest, and pushes you back slightly, breaking the kiss.

“How about we go back upstairs?” she asks, breathing heavily; her breath turning into steam.

“Why not just stay here?” you ask, hoping your Princess is thinking what you’re thinking.

Celestia gasps at the thought. “Oh, no, we could never!” she whispers loudly. “What if somepony sees us?” She begins looking around, as though somepony is watching you right now. And they probably are.

“That’s fine. We’d probably make their day!” you reason. Ponies probably think about doing things to Celestia all the time. She is very attractive. Why not let them see it for once?

Celestia shakes her head. “If we are going to do anything, it’ll most definitely not happen here. I have no objections to the privacy of our bedroom, though.”

“Then let’s go back there!” you exclaim, trying to hurry your Princess along. At this very moment, you’re aroused, and at this very moment, you want to act on your arousal. Unfortunately though, Celestia is taking her time in getting up.

“Come on!” you get up, pull her to her hooves, and begin pushing her out of the maze of flowers. “It’s going to snow, any second.”

Celestia’s horn quickly flares gold, and you are momentarily blinded. Your entire field of vision is bathed in a blinding light.

As quick as the light came, it left, and you can now re-open your eyes. Only now…

You’re back in your room. You’re at the foot of your bed, to be more exact.

‘Celestia must’ve teleported us again,’ you reason. ‘I hate it when-‘

You don’t get to finish that thought, as you are physically picked up, and dumped onto the bed. Just like the previous night.

‘This is really getting old,’ you think as you bounce on your fluffy mattress.

You become aware of another presence on the opposite end of the bed. You look up and see Celestia, gazing at you with her bedroom eyes.

You are supine on your bed. But Celestia has her head down towards the mattress, her forelegs dropped down, with her hind-legs still standing; she’s in a very playful stance, and she is ready to pounce on you at any moment.

Not wishing for this to be a repeat of last night, you decide to take control.

You hop up to your feet in a second, lunging at Celestia. She tries to fight you for dominance as you wrestle with her, but you, thankfully, end up on top.

You straddle Celestia’s stomach, and look down at her. She is yours, in every way she can be. Celestia looks up at you, not at all pleased with the way things have turned out. She wants to be on top. But the problem is, you also want to be on top, and you don’t plan on giving her that satisfaction.

You bend down and attempt to kiss her, but as you are mere inches away from your target, Celestia’s wings flare out, her forelegs wrap tightly around you, and she rolls you over.

You look up at her, and she is grinning smugly down at you; as though she just conquered a great enemy. But you don’t plan on giving up now.

Celestia tries to pull your shirt off with her magic, but as she is distracted, you push her off of you. Celestia falls back to the far side of the bed, and you rise to your knees from where you were previously lying.

You both square off from opposite side of the fluffy mattress.

‘This is going to be a long night,’ you think.

==========

Your stomach hurts. It hurts a lot. You’ve had stomach aches before, but none quite like this.

‘I’m dying!’ you exclaim, too tired to actually shout it out loud. You roll over onto your other side. ‘Oh God! Take me now!’

You don’t know what time it is. All you know is that your room is still dark and your alarm hasn’t gone off yet.

You look up at the digital clock on your nightstand.

‘2:00 a.m.’ you observe. ‘Why do the most terrible things happen to me at 2 o’clock in the morning?’

You don’t have an answer to that question. Nopony in Equestria can answer that question. The universe, it would appear, just loves to screw with you. First it throws you into a land of magic and happiness. Which is pretty great. And now you feel as though you are dying.

Which sucks.

You cross your arms over your stomach. As though such an action will provide a magical healing effect. Considering that you do live in a land fraught with magic, you figure that holding yourself will make you feel better.

It doesn’t. After a few minutes of gripping your stomach, if anything, you feel much worse.

‘Oh shit,’ you think, urgently making your way to your bathroom.

A colorful medley of curse words steadily flow through your tired mind. You turn your body, place your feet on the floor, get up, and shuffle as fast as humanly possible to the relief of your bathroom.

Upon stumbling into the bathroom, magic candles immediately illuminate themselves once sensing your presence, lighting up the room. Equestria may not have electricity, but with these strange, magical candles, Celestia doesn’t need it.

You quickly shut the door as to not disturb your sleeping Goddess, who truly deserves her rest. She’s been working much too hard in an unnaturally stressful job for more than a thousand years. Alone, no less.

It amazes you that her mane has always looked so vibrant and beautiful. With such a stressful job, you figure that her hair would’ve turned gray hundreds of years ago. Yet, it has always looked magnificent.

Then again, Celestia isn’t one to get stressed out. You’ve never seen her worried about anything. Ever.

Except for last night when you returned from your riot control. She wasn’t acting like herself at all. You didn’t see her cry last night, but she came pretty close.

You throw yourself at your beloved porcelain bowl of happiness, and empty your stomach via your mouth.

“Ohh” you groan. “What did I eat?... I should-”

Your words are interrupted by you vomiting again.

“This is disgusting.”

You spit into the toilet, and flush away your pungent, volatile stomach acid. You try your best to catch your breath after puking twice in a row. Your throat burns, you feel dizzy, and you would do anything for somepony to knock you out cold where you currently kneel, so you can go back to sleep.

Your stomach is still hurting, but it’s feeling a lot better than it was when you first woke up. You’re too afraid to leave the safety of your toilet, so you elect to stay where you are, and spit.

You hear the bathroom door open. You want to look up, but you can’t. You’re too afraid. But it doesn’t matter anyway; you know who it is. Who else could it be?

“Sweetie?” Celestia asks, sounding concerned, and very, very tired, walking over towards you. You can hear her hooves clopping on the marble floor, the sound getting louder and louder as she approaches you. “What’s wrong? Are you alright?”

You spit again, and smile. You are touched that your Princess got out of her bed to check on you. And she sounds sincere. It seems dumb that you would feel so happy at such a small act of love, but nevertheless, it’s an act of love.

“I’m fine, honey,” you groggily respond, your voice muffled by the porcelain bowl of noisome acid. “Go back to bed.” You wave her away with one of your hands. “You need to sleep.” Your voice sounds a little raspy from the acid that just traveled through it, but you’re still understandable.

You hear hooves clop their way on up to you before stopping. Although you’re not looking at her, you’re pretty sure Celestia is standing directly behind you.

Celestia traces a hoof along your back. “I’m not leaving,” she said. “Not until you do.” You hear her sit down directly behind you and scoot herself up to your bare back. She leans herself slightly so that her chest is touching your back, as she wraps a hoof around your body and brings it to your stomach.

Slowly, she begins to rub her soft, furry hoof along your belly in a pleasant circular motion. You sigh at her relaxing touch. She really knows how to make you feel good.

“Thank you sweetie,” you respond to her touch. “But you should really go back to bed. You need to sleep. You get cranky when you don’t.”

Celestia scoffs. “I do not get cranky. I become… slightly irritated, I would say. When you have my job, it’s rather difficult not to.”

“Which is my point,” you reason. “You need to go to bed. A ruler needs her sleep.”

She kisses the back of your neck. “I will not sleep until you do.” You try to respond but she interrupts you. “It’s only fair.”

You decide to give up arguing. You’ve never been able to win an argument with Celestia, and it’s most definitely not going to start happening now. What, with your head in your toilet and all.

“Okay, hon’,” you accept, defeated.

Her hoof continues to circle your belly button in a soft, relaxing manner, calming your inflamed stomach. You don’t how Celestia got so good at calming ponies. You would’ve figured that being alone in a position of absolute power would easily corrupt her, but she is such a naturally kind, intelligent, good-hearted, peaceful, beautiful individual. She’s faced Nightmare Moon, Discord, and countless other tyrants and cruel leaders. But she has always held strong.

If those things couldn’t corrupt her, nothing ever will.

“What’s wrong sweetie?” she asks you, bringing you away from your thoughts. “Are you sick?”

‘Nah,’ you want to respond. ‘Just thought I’d leave my nice, soft, warm bed with my Goddess in it at 2 in the morning to put my head in the toilet. It’s a human thing.’

“I guess so,” you actually respond. “I don’t know how, though. I haven’t been sick ever since I came here.” You spit again.

“That’s odd,” Celestia muses. “How did you get sick?”

“I wish I knew. It was a pretty normal day. I suppose everyone just gets sick every so often. It’s just one of those things.”

“I haven’t been sick in decades,” Celestia brags.

“Well aren’t you just perfect,” you say, attempting to sound sarcastic.

“I know,” she says, sounding proud. “But if you’re sick, and haven’t been sick before, you should see a doctor.” She begins to get slightly more panicked. “What if you have a disease that ponies don’t even know about?”

“It’s all right, hon,’” you say, attempting to calm her before you have a repeat of last night. “It’s all right. I’m fine. Really. These kinds of things just happen every once in a while.”

You hear Celestia take a deep breath. “Okay. But I still want you to see a doctor.”

You hate the idea of seeing a ‘doctor,’ as ponies like to call them. They’re not doctors. They’re veterinarians. What’s weird though, is that Equestria has veterinarians too. Doctors service ponies, and veterinarians help everything else.

Technically, you should go see a vet, but that’s not going to happen. You don’t even want to see a doctor. They’re not going to help you anyway. It’s a good thing your anatomy is similar to ponies, or else you’d be dead.

But that’s essentially the only thing you have in common. At least you think so. You’ve haven’t seen a doctor for a checkup since your ‘arrival,’ as you call it. And you’re in no rush to do so.

“I’m not seeing a doctor,” you say, rolling your eyes at Celestia for even mentioning it.

“I wasn’t asking you,” Celestia tells you sternly, as though you’re a child. “I’m telling you. Tomorrow morning, I will retrieve the Castle doctor, and bring him here.”

“But-“ you begin.

“No ‘buts,’” Celestia interrupts. You’re seeing the doctor, and that’s final.”

“Hmph!” you pout into the toilet.

Celestia rests her tired head on your shoulder as you lean over the bowl. Even though she is still awake, for your sake, she is probably exhausted.

“I’m sorry sweetie,” Celestia says. “I’m just worried. You’ll be thanking me later.”

Her hoof rubs your belly in wide circles. But after a few minutes, the circles begin to get smaller and smaller.

After an unknown amount of time has passed, you feel well enough to go back to bed. Your head is still swimming, and your stomach is still burning, but you should be fine.

You place your hand on Celestia’s hoof, effectively stopping it. “I’m Okay, sweetie,” you say, raising your head out of the toilet at long last. “I should be fine now, I think.” You want to turn around and face Celestia, but you’re too afraid to.

You don’t want to get sick again while turned in her general direction. That would be terrible.

You gaze down into the water of your toilet. “Go back to bed. I’ll be in after I wash up.”

But Celestia doesn’t move. At all. Even her hoof is still on your stomach.

“Celestia,” you say in a tone that you hope conveys finality. “I’ll be in after I wash up. Just give me a minute. Okay?”

She kisses your neck before replying with a simple and quiet “Okay.” She retracts her hoof, stands up, and walks back into the bedroom.

You rise from the toilet, move over to the sink, and begin running the water. You quickly glance up at the mirror in front of you to observe yourself.

Luckily, you appear to be fine. Your face is normal. Or as normal as your face can be. Nothing out of place. Which is good. All limbs are still attached.

You cup your hands under the running water, fill them, raise them to your lips, and begin the process of rinsing the acid out of your burning throat.

The cold water feels fantastic as it mixes with the burning substance. You gargle, spit, and repeat.

This process continues a number of times until you can only barely taste the foul substance. But now, your throat is nice and cool, which is amazing. You took everything in your life for granted until this very moment.

Everything.

You turn the handle on the sink, shutting off the water. You look your naked self over in the mirror before deciding to head back into your bedroom. As you look at yourself in the mirror, you finally realize why Celestia loves you so much.

You have one sexy body. You are so incredibly good looking it’s absurd. That’s why Celestia wants you so bad. Everything about you is perfect.

Kidding.

You shuffle back into your bedroom, too tired to actually pick up your feet to walk. Who has the energy to pick up their feet? Seriously. As you exit the bathroom, the candles magically extinguish themselves.

While walking back into your bedroom, you come to a sudden realization. ‘I’m sick.’

You begin to panic a little. ‘I haven’t been sick since I came here. What if I got some weird animal disease?! That’s why Celestia wants me to see a doctor, right?! Isn’t that what she said? What if they can’t cure me?! Or worse. What if I give it to Celestia?! Oh, she’ll be so pissed!’

Not wishing to get your Goddess sick, if that’s even possible, you decide to sleep on Celestia’s giant, purple, unoccupied cushion.

You give your eyes a few moments to adjust to the darkness of your bedroom. Luckily, however, the sky outside is a dark purple, which lights up your room fairly nicely.

You look at your bed, and see Celestia laying it. Judging by the way her chest is evenly rising and falling, you assume she already fell back asleep.

‘We have to have some spare blankets around here somewhere,’ you reason.

You look over at the closet. ‘Aha!’ you exclaim triumphantly, assuming that you’re correct for once.

You shuffle to the closet, open the massive doors, and see many folded blankets sitting on a shelf.

You grab the fluffiest one you see, take it out of the stack, walk back over to your cushion, unfold it, and lie down.

You don’t enjoy the idea of sleeping alone, as you are right now. It’s been a while since you’ve slept alone, but it shouldn’t take you long to get used to it again.

You rest your tired, sick head upon the yellow pillow, pulling the blanket up to your shoulders.

You shiver. ‘God damn it’s cold, I wish the fire would come back on.’

But it doesn’t. The fireplace is completely empty. No logs. No fire. No warmth. No happiness.

You are desolated.

You turn on your side, facing away from the bed and towards your fireplace, trying to get comfortable and warm.

As you lie alone, you reflect on your day. ‘What did I do today that could’ve made me sick?’ you wonder. ‘It was a pretty normal day… Maybe, it was-‘

Your thoughts are interrupted when you hear movement from behind you. You hear Celestia turn over. You hear Celestia tiredly mumble “Huh?”

It’s more of a grunt, really, but whatever.

You hear more movement, then nothing, then even more movement. You hear her hooves clop down onto the floor, and listen as she walks towards you; her hooves growing in volume.

Celestia stops walking, and you assume that she is directly behind you, but don’t move to check.

You feel Celestia lift up your blanket before feeling her climb atop of the giant cushion, right behind you. After she places herself comfortable on the cushion, she lowers the blanket back down, and re-adjusts it so it sits nicely on top of you.

You feel Celestia wrap a foreleg overtop your side. She holds you in place as she slides up to your back, spooning.

“Celestia?” you ask. “What are you doing? I’m sick.” You really don’t want Celestia to get sick too. If you got Celestia sick, she’d be pissed. All of Equestria would be pissed.

You don’t know how much of a difference sleeping fifteen feet away from each other would make when it comes to not getting her sick. You’re not a doctor. But you figure it should help.

“We always sleep together,” she reasons. “Why should tonight be any different?”

“I don’t want to get you sick. You should go back to bed.”

“You said I would never have to sleep alone again,” she said sadly, pulling you closer to her, and wrapping a giant wing over top of you. “You promised.”

She’s right. You did promise. Oh well.

‘Then why don’t we just go back to the bed?’ you want to ask, but don’t. You’re perfectly content with cuddling on the giant pillow.

You reach a hand back and rest it on her. “I did promise,” you say. “You’re right.” She always is. You retract your hand and kiss her wing that covers you.

She rests her chin on the top of your head. Celestia, when lying stretched out, or when standing on her hind-legs, is much taller than you. Thankfully, however, you have never seen Celestia stand on her hind-legs. You imagine it would take a great deal of anger for her to do that.

But when you lie together, as you are now, Celestia’s form extends well beyond yours. You figure that if she were to ever stand on her back legs, she’d probably be like, nine or ten feet tall. Which is huge.

You begin to turn yourself over.

Celestia takes this as a sign to release you. But you don’t want her to let you go. After you completely turn yourself over, facing her, you wrap an arm overtop of her, and snuggle your head into her chest.

Celestia, in turn, places her foreleg and wing back over you once more. You are so warm right now. You couldn’t be happier.

As nice as it is to wake up at 2 in the morning and vomit uncontrollably, you look forward to going back to sleep; with your beautiful Princess pressed against you.

“I love you,” you hear Celestia whisper.

You smile. You kiss her chest for a few moments before responding. “I love you too, honey. See you in the morning.”

==========

Written by- ScatMan2001

Edited by- DoctorBrony

Special thanks to DoctorBrony for making this chapter readable.

Also, I apologize it took a little longer than intended to publish this chapter. You see, DoctorBrony had malaria or some shit (some weird Wisconsin disease, I guess) for the past couple of days. He's alive though. Yay.

Hoped you enjoyed the chapter!

Favorite, like, and comment!

Chapter 5: Sick Day

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‘Finally!’ you exclaim in the safety of your own mind. ‘Some peace and quiet.’

You take a deep, relaxing breath. It’s been a long day here in Narnia. Or wherever the hell you supposedly are.

Ever since you woke up, which you assume was around noon, dream-horses have been constantly visiting you. You don’t know why all these dream horses have been coming to your room and asking you basic questions, but they have.

And surprisingly, you don’t mind it. All of these little hallucinations are so incredibly adorable that you don’t care if they wake you up and ask you their abnormally simple questions.

Their eyes are huge! The way they seem to get bigger and smaller as they look at you and talk to you is captivating.

Despite the fact that you’ve been referring to the talking equines as ‘horses’ all day, you feel that does not do them justice. You’ve seen horses before. Most people have. And from what you’ve observed today, these ‘horses’ are most definitely not horses. At all.

Horses can’t talk. Horses aren’t bright colors. Horses can’t fly and use magic. Horses don’t have different colored eyes.

These horses don’t even look like horses! They’re too small, adorable, and they look… different. You don’t want to say fake. They can’t be fake. They were poking you earlier. You can’t put your finger on it, but just their general appearance is much different from the animals on Earth.

These horses behave more like humans than animals. Come to think of it, they are more similar to humans than animals. From what you’ve gathered, they have jobs, have friends, built and live in homes, and can go out to eat at restaurants. They even have bathrooms! What kind of animal has a legitimate restroom?

These horses even smell, for lack of a better analogy, like humans. Most humans tend to bathe everyday. At least a normal human does. You can safely assume that these horses bathe everyday as well. They don’t smell like shit! Which is abnormal, but everything about this place is abnormal.

Whatever.

You probably fell and hit your hit in the shower. Yeah. That has to be why you’re here.

The day began with talking to Doctor Feel-Good about the new dream world you will be in for the next few minutes, probably. You expect to wake up soon.

Then you talked to Rarity and Applejack; the ponies that ‘saved’ your life. It was very considerate of them to do so, but completely unnecessary.

You met their friends after that. Their crazy, hyper, poking, terrified, colorful friends. You were threatened by the rainbow one, poked at by the purple one, laughed at by the pink one, and the yellow one just ran away after seeing you.

You know you’re not the most attractive or pleasant person to be around, but you’ve never had anyone desperately run away after first meeting you.

She completely overreacted.

Then they all started to leave your room. Rainbow went after Fluttershy. Pinkie followed them shortly afterwards. Twilight asked to interview you tomorrow, which of course you said ‘yes’ to. Why would you say ‘no’?

Rarity and Applejack apologized before leaving you in peace. They offered to visit you tomorrow, as well. And you’d be happy if they did.

A very kind nurse named Redheart delivered you dinner a couple hours ago.

Which was debatably the most disgusting thing you’ve ever tasted in your entire life.

You don’t know what was on the tray. There was a cup of apple juice - which was the only recognizable thing. There was a pile of green… something. You don’t know what it was. You just know that it was disgusting.

They had jello, though. But it was purple. You’ve never seen purple jello before. And for a good reason, too. It was terrible. Like everything else on the plate, it wreaked and tasted like every food and condiment known to man was mixed in.

And that was it. That was everything on your elementary school-sized plate.

Maybe that meager amount of terrible food is sufficient for the small horses that seem to inhabit this land, but not for an individual as large as yourself.

You’re sure that the hospital staff will soon realize and correct problem. You’d prefer it if they just fed you threw a tube. It would save you from having to eat this nasty crap.

The food is probably the healthiest food you’ve eaten in your entire life. It’s hospital food, after all. But it’s simultaneously the most volatile substance you’ve ever had the displeasure to encounter.

‘This is the most realistic dream I’ve ever had,’ you think, again. Everything that has happened so far feels like it actually has happened. But that’s just how dreams are. They seem so real until you wake up, and realize it was only a dream.

For example, you had a dream where you woke up and began your morning rituals, before your alarm clock actually woke you up for real. You were so confused.

Dreams are crazy.

You ask yourself something that has been plaguing your mind all day.

‘What is up with all of these tattoos?’

The six ponies that kindly visited you today all had tattoos on their rumps. Rarity, Applejack, Pinkie, and Fluttershy all had a triplet of something on their rump. Twilight had a whole mess of stars on her. And Rainbow had one tattoo on her.

You don’t know if Doctor Feel-Good had an ass tattoo. His lab coat covered up his body pretty well.

Those were the only ponies that you met today. There are apparently a ton in town and throughout Equestria, but you never inquired as to if everyone had a coincidental placed rump marking.

Doesn’t matter. You’ll ask tomorrow. That is, if you’re still here tomorrow. You’re more than ready to wake up.

‘Guess I’ll go to bed,’ you think. ‘Not like I have anything else to do.’

You don’t have anything else to do. There is no television. There is no internet. You had your phone with you when you crashed, but now it’s gone. You have no visitors.

You only have a lamp and a clock in your room to keep you company. Turning the lamp on and off kept you entertained for a good fifteen seconds. And staring at the clock was fun for exactly 358 seconds. You counted.

You close your eyes and relax. You want to reflect on your day, but for the sake of calming yourself down, that’s probably not the best idea. Today has been too stressful and abnormal to think about before bed.

“Cutie Mark Crusader Zoologists! Yay!” you hear from the hallway.

‘The hell was that?’ you wonder, squinting your eyes open and raising your head slightly to look at the door.

“Shh! It’ll hear you!” you hear someone say in a hushed tone from the hallway.

“Yeah, and we don’t want to get caught,” you hear another voice agree. “Big Mac’ll tan my hide if’n he finds us here after visitin’ hours… again.”

‘Go away, children! I wish to sleep!’ you shout internally.

You flop your head back down on your fluffy hospital pillow and squeeze your eyes shut. You try to go back asleep, praying that the commotion in the hallway does not involve you in any way.

“All right girls, you ready?” another unrecognizable voice asks from the hallway.

“Hay yeah!” a second voice says.

“Absolutely!” a third voice squeaks.

‘Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!’ you shout in your head. You wish you could turn on your side or change your lying position in some way. But you can’t. You are hooked up to too many machines for that much movement.

“Let’s do this,” one of the voices says quietly.

Your vision gets a little brighter, even though your eyes are still closed. You hear a multitude of feet – er – hooves, on the tiled floor of your room. You hear your door close as your vision becomes dark once more.

“So what’s this thing again?” one voice asks, not bothering to attempt to stay quiet.

“Ah don’t know,” another voice drawls. “Mah sister wouldn’t tell me nothin’ about it. But Twilight said it’s called ‘humus.’”

“No she didn’t!” another voice cuts in. “She said it was called ‘human.’”

“Human? Really Scootaloo, have you ever heard a more ridiculous name?”

“That’s what it’s called, doofus!”

“Girls!” a different, much squeakier voice cuts in. “It doesn’t matter what it’s called. I want to see what it looks like!”

You hear their hooves on the tiled floor grow louder as they assumingly approach your bed. You haven’t opened your eyes yet, so you don’t know exactly where they are. They don’t really exist, so you don’t really care.

You crush your eyes closed and pray to your Lord and Savior that they just disappear and you wake up already. This is getting pretty old, pretty fast.

Your curiosity gets the best of you, and you finally open your eyes. The room is pretty dark, but the line on your heart monitor is providing a decent amount of light to illuminate your room pretty nicely.

You stare up at the ceiling. You want to move your head, but you don’t want the ponies in your room to scream and run away. That already happened once today, and you’d prefer if it never happens again. Your head hurts too much to be able to handle that much noise.

The sound from their hooves stops, and you assume they have stopped, probably around the foot of your bed. You listen as they continue talking.

“Fluttershy said it was so scary, she couldn’t even stay in the same room!”

“Wow…” the other voices sound amazed for some reason. “But, Fluttershy stared down dragons and cockatrices!”

“Ah know, so this thing must really be scary!”

“Cool!” the other two voices say simultaneously, as though looking at you will be the most interesting thing they’ve ever done.

Only problem is, you’re not scary. You’re rather friendly, actually. At least, you think you are.

You hear the sound of their hooves as they presumably meander to the side of your bed.

“Where do you think its’ cutie mark is?” one of them asks. You can feel them all begin to climb up onto your extraordinarily small sized bed.

“Duh! It’s on its’ flank!” another one points out.

Your eyes are still open. You tilt your head down slightly to get a good look at these invasive ponies.

The three ponies you see are very small. Even smaller than the ones that came to visit you earlier. They’re all small enough for all of them to fit on your bed, but too big to be able to move around without touching you.

The first one you see is an orange pegasus with purple hair. And no tattoo on its’ rump.

The second one is a yellowish pony with red hair, and an adorable, giant red bow in her hair. No rump tattoo.

The third and final one is a white unicorn with a purple and pink curly mane and tail. Also, just like the others, no ass tattoo.

Perhaps it was just a coincidence those other six ponies had tattoos? Maybe they’re in a cult.

It doesn’t really matter anymore.

“Where’s its’ flank?” the one with the bow asks. “It doesn’t look like a pony.”

“It’s not a pony. It’s a human,” the orange one says.

“Obviously. But where’d its’ flank be then?” the white one asks.

The yellow one pokes your sensitive waist. “I reckon it’d be around here.”

“All right, let’s get a look,” the purple maned one says.

They all grab the edge of your blanket before they begin to pull it back.

“Woah!” you yell, much louder than originally intended, grabbing onto your blanket.

“Hey it’s awake!” the orange one yells, smiling, not scared of you whatsoever.

“Umm…” you try thinking of someway to respond. You just wish that everyone would stop referring to you as ‘it.’ “Yeah, I’m awake.”

‘Why won’t they disappear!’ you shout in your head, as though focusing hard enough will make them vanish.

“Where’s your cutie mark?” the unicorn asks you, sprinting up to you so that you are both face-to-face.

‘The hell is a cutie mark?’

“What’s a cutie mark?” you ask.

All three ponies gasp, as though you just admitted you were a murderer or something.

“What’s a cutie mark?!” the yellow one yells, repeating what you just said, but in a much angrier and more rhetorical tone.

“How do you not know what it is?” the unicorn asks.

The pegasus cuts in. “It’s only the most important thing ever!”

“That still doesn’t answer my question,” you respond. “What is it?”

“It’s a symbol of who you truly are!” says the unicorn.

“A sign of what you’re meant to be!” the pegasus declares.

“It’s a picture on a pony’s flank!” the yellow one states simply, pointing a hood towards her rump.

‘Wait…what?’

“So,” you begin, confused, “everyone has this ‘cutie mark,’ you said?” They all nod. “And it’s a picture on your butt?” They nod again. “And… why is it there?”

“It shows a pony what their special talent is!” the white one squeaks.

“I saw these other ponies in my room today, and they all had tattoos. Are those cutie marks?”

“Yeah!” the orange one yells. “That was mah sister, Applejack! Her cutie mark is three red apples, so she works on an apple farm!”

“And my sister, Rarity, was there,” the white unicorn says. “She has three diamonds as her cutie mark, and she’s a fashion designer! I want to be a fashion designer just like her when I grow up!”

That’s sweet.

“Rainbow Dash was here too!” the orange one shouts excitedly. “She has the best cutie mark ever! She’s the fastest, coolest, most radical, awesomest, greatest flier in all of Equestria!”

So that’s what a cutie mark is. You think you understand now.

“So where’s yours?” the yellow one asks.

“Excuse me?” you respond, very confused.

“Yeah! What’s your cutie mark?” the orange one asks.

You laugh. Softly at first, but it quickly builds into maniac laughter and you’re hitting your mattress with your moveable arm.

“What’s so dang funny?” the yellow one yells, sounding offended.

“I-I don’t have a cutie mark,” you manage to say, calming yourself down.

The three little fillies gasp.

“Oh no!” the white one half yells, half squeaks. “We’re sorry. We didn’t mean to offend you.”

“Do you want to join the Cutie Mark Crusaders with us?” the orange one asks excitedly.

“Do you get bullied too?” the yellow one asks, sounding much more sad than she was a couple seconds ago.

“What?” you ask. “No! No, I don’t get bullied. Humans don’t have ‘cutie marks.’ We just have to live our lives never knowing what we are truly meant to be.”

“That’s terrible!”

“It’s not so bad,” you smile.

“Not so bad?!” the orange one legitimately shouts. “It’s-“

“Scootaloo!” the white one interrupts. “The nurse is coming!”

The yellow one gasps. “Come on Crusaders! We need to get out of here!”

They all jump off your bed and rush over to the window. The white one jumps out first, followed by the orange one.

“Bye, mister!” the yellow one waves. “Can we talk more tomorrah?”

You wave back. “Of course,” you answer without thinking. Again. “Come back anytime.”

Not that it matters. By ‘tomorrah,’ you’ll be back on Earth. Hopefully in your bed. You’d hate if you woke up on someone’s floor or in an alley.

“Thanks! Yer real nice!” She jumps out the window, and presumably scurries back to wherever it is she lives.

You ask yourself the only question you can think of this early in the morning.

‘Where the fuck am I?”

==========

‘Oh Abraham it is so cold,’ is your first thought upon waking up. ‘This is winter in Equestria, I guess.’

Celestia has never been very good when it comes to sharing the blanket. Never. Some nights, not all, but some, Celestia likes to kick the blanket off of her, and you, while asleep.

It doesn’t matter what the temperature is, she will kick a great source of warmth off of you, in a possible attempt to kill you in your sleep.

You can’t blame her, though. She’s seen some weird shit in her day. Her mind is constantly plagued with visions, you imagine, reminding her of what had happened hundreds of years ago.

Especially at night, in her dreams. Whatever it is that happened back then, from what you’ve gathered from observing Celestia’s restless sleep, was not pleasant in the slightest.

Celestia, as you quickly found out upon moving in with her, can have some pretty bad nightmares, or whatever they’re called here.

Celestia is reluctant to call it a ‘nightmare.’ She finds that to be rather insulting. She just says ‘bad dream.’ But more often than not, whenever you ask her about it, she tries to pretend she does not know what you’re talking about.

Even if you witness her having one of her bad dreams, and wake her up, as you are prone to do, she will deny everything. If you ask her about it during the day, she will, again, deny all of your claims. So you eventually just gave up.

She’s always trying to appear strong in front of everyone. Whether it is her little ponies, her sister, or even you, she’s always a fearless leader with no problems.

But you know she has problems. She just won’t admit to them.

Well, not exactly. She will admit to having problems, but only after much prodding from you. She rarely shares her problems with anyone. You don’t mean to force her to tell you anything. You just want her to open up to somebody. Anybody. You think she’s lucky that you’re here.

Realizing that you’re rambling, and you’re still freezing, you reach down and pull the blanket back up to your shoulders.

The greatest thing about winter in Equestria, besides the snow and the cuddling, is that the sun is raised over an hour later than usual. Equestria apparently has daylight savings time too. This time yesterday, you and Celestia would be getting up.

But now, your alarm clock is not going off, and you are not getting up. You don’t even know what time it is. You just know Celestia is still asleep; and you are practically asleep.

It’s probably around 5:30 in the morning. Your internal clock has woken you up at this god forsaken hour for far too long. You hated getting up that early. And you loathe the idea of one day having to do it again. But for right now, you don’t have to. You can sleep.

At some point in the night, you and Celestia have shifted positions. You are lying on your side, staring at the fireplace, currently devoid of warmth. You physically flip yourself over and gaze upon your Princess, lying on her back, facing up at the ceiling, her eyes closed.

It’s strange. You never see Celestia asleep on her back. It’s just one of those things that don’t happen.

First time for everything, you guess.

You scoot over, wrap an arm around Celestia, and pull yourself closer to her. You move your chest and stomach so that they are pressed against Celestia’s side. To keep her mane from getting in your face and mouth, you shift down and rest your head on her chest.

You don’t know what to do with your legs. You try taking one of them and throwing it over Celestia, half straddling her. You feel comfortable for about ten seconds, before regretting your move and lowering your leg back down.

You shift around for a while, trying to find that perfect sleeping position. One of the most difficult things to achieve in life, with the exception of most things, is finding the perfect sleeping position, but you try.

You finally decide to just situate one leg on top of the other. You pull yourself closer to your still sleeping Goddess.
You take a deep breath.

Your alarm will go off in an hour or so. You’re not entirely sure. Celestia sets the alarm. You just get up whenever she does. Which is, unfortunately, before the sun rises every single day.

You feel your arm go up and down as Celestia’s chest expands and contracts with her soft breathing. You move your hand up and down, gently rubbing your Princess’ chest and belly.

You love watching Celestia sleep. You’re not trying to be creepy or anything, but witnessing her relax makes you very happy. But not in a weird way. More of a consoled way, really. You don’t know. Just… happy.

Right then.

You close your eyes and rub your cheek against Celestia’s soft, white fur. One of the best things about cuddling with Celestia is that she is so soft and smooth. She’s like a giant roll of silk. A roll of silk that can fly and use magic and sucks your-

BEEP-BEEP-BEEP

‘Why?!’ you yell in your head as you grimace and Celestia stirs. ‘Why do bad things happen to good people?!’

“Make it stop!” you groan, sounding exhausted. You grab tightly onto your Goddess, shut your eyes as hard as you can, and pull Celestia closer to you, praying that the terrible noise will silence itself.

For an unknown reason, you feel as though climbing on top of Celestia will not only make you more physically relaxed, but make the alarm clock shut up.

So that’s exactly what you do.

Without opening your eyes, you throw your leg back overtop of your marefriend and pick your upper body up long enough for you to move over a few inches and collapse on top of her.

Your vision suddenly gets brighter, and you assume Celestia’s horn is glowing. The alarm clock is quickly silenced, you hear a small crash, which you assume was Celestia throwing the alarm clock somewhere, and the room is dark once more.

You feel obligated to open your eyes, kiss the mare of your dreams, and say ‘Good Morning.’ After all, you did just jump on top of her for almost no reason at all.

You never say ‘Good Morning,’ though. Mainly because there is no such thing as a good morning. They collectively all suck.

After debating with yourself for a few dark moments, you decide against saying anything. You just want to lie with – or on, in your case – the woman that loves you.

These are some of the best moments of your life. Before coming to Equestria, you never did anything like this. You were never cared for like this. You never enjoyed life as you do now. You were never loved like this.

But now you are. So there is hardly any use in dwelling over those days of involuntary solitude. Now, you are free. And you feel free.

You feel Celestia wrap her wings around you and place her chin on top of your head.

Forget everything you were just thinking. These are the best moments of your life. When you’re holding Celestia, and she’s holding you, then you are truly happy.

You open your eyes.

You don’t see anything for a while. It’s too dark. You place a cheek on Celestia’s chest, and look over towards your fireplace.

After what seems like a thousand years of staring, your vision adapts to the darkness of your room. The moon does not appear to be outside your balcony doors, as they usually are, so your room is darker than it is most mornings.

‘What time is it?’ you ask yourself. ‘Where’s the clock?’

You just remembered that Celestia threw your alarm clock somewhere. God knows where that thing went. So you try to look to another clock hanging in your room.

You look above your fireplace, where a small clock sits on the mantle. You stare for a few moments, listening to the ticking of the second hand. Your vision clears enough for you to be able to see the individual hands on the clock.

‘5:33?!’ you exclaim internally, feeling much more awake than you were a few seconds ago. ‘Why am I up right now?!’

You take a deep, calming breath. You move your head from underneath Celestia’s so you can get a good look at her.

She has her head on the long yellow pillow, her mane waving off to one side as it always does, with her eyes closed. The same smile she always has is uncharacteristically not gracing her beautiful face.

You guess it’s too early to smile. Even for her.

You smile as you place your head back down on her upper chest, immediately below her neck. You reach one hand up and wrap it gently around her neck. Your other hand moves to rub her neck, massage her shoulder, and eventually caress the base of her outstretched wing.

“Honey?” you ask, trying to get Celestia’s attention before you fall asleep again.

“Hmm?” she says/grumbles.

“Why are we awake right now?” You think that’s a reasonable question. There could be a thousand possibilities.

‘Maybe she forgot to change to alarm?’ you reason. ‘At least I hope that’s all it is.’

“I need to get the doctor,” she says through a tremendous yawn.

‘Oh shit,’ you think. ‘I need to escape.’

Celestia’s wings tighten around you. “Got to make sure my baby’s OK,” she says, sounding very tired.

You laugh. “I’m fine,” you assure her. “Really. I couldn’t be better!”

“I’m still getting the doctor.”

‘Fuck.’

“How does your back feel?” Celestia whispers. “It’s been looking better.”

You shrug. “Not as bad as it used to. I barely notice it’s there anymore.”

She smiles and kisses your forehead.

“How did you sleep?” she asks you. “Are you feeling alright?”

“Of course, I’m fine,” you say, being completely truthful. “After my, uh, trip to the restroom this morning, I feel good as new.”

“Are you telling the truth?” she asks, sounding as though she is a parent prodding information out of a lying kid.

‘You can’t handle the truth!’ you exclaim in your mind. You want nothing more than to yell that out at Celestia, but she wouldn’t get it. And if she doesn’t get it, it wouldn’t be funny. It’d be so terribly awkward, and she’d just look at you like you’re an idiot.

You sigh. You wish you could make clever movie references with somebody. But you can’t. Pros and cons to living in Equestria, you guess.

Your grip around her gets a little tighter. “I always tell the truth,” you say. You reach your other hand down to rub her shoulder. “Why would I lie to you, my beautiful Princess?”

You crane your neck to give her lips a quick kiss.

You see her roll her eyes. “Well, off the top of my head, I can think of a few thousand reasons.”

You move your massaging hand to your chest. You place your hand over your heart, acting as though you are having a heart attack.

“Is your trust in me that small, Princess?” you ask, trying to sound as shocked as possible. “Have I not earned your trust? Agh!” You lay your head back onto her chest.

“I trust you, sweetie,” you hear her say as a hoof pats you on your head. “But I can clearly see you do not like doctors.”

‘Damn right.’

“I don’t want to see the doctor,” you pout into her chest.

“You’re not seeing the doctor,” Celestia corrects. “The doctor is seeing you.”

“…What?”

“I need to get the doctor before sunrise. I’ll bring him up here, he’ll look at you, I’ll raise the sun, and we can start the day.”

“Can we do all of that, but without getting the doctor?” you ask. “That idea sounds much better.”

Celestia giggles. “You can be so difficult sometimes. I don’t know why I put up with you,” she jokes.

You hop up and kiss her fully on the lips, reminding her. Celestia’s wings around you loosen for a moment, tighten in surprise of your action, and go loose again. You wrap both arms around your Goddess, deepening your kiss.

You run your fingers through her silky mane, and push yourself further down onto her. You feel Celestia relax more. Her wings are dropping back towards her sides as her lips are seemingly becoming softer, if such a thing were possible for her.

Taking the initiative, you push your tongue forward quickly and lustfully. Your marefriend’s lips part immediately, without hesitation, allowing you free and easy access to the rest of her mouth.

You swirl your tongue around, reacquainting it with her mouth. You run over her teeth, across her cheeks, and dance gracefully with her tongue. You feel Celestia try to push you back, but you’re not giving up that easily.

Your tongue stops her forcefully at the entrance of your own mouth. You force her tongue back into her mouth, before continuing the dance.

You feel your arousal growing. And even though your eyes are closed, you can see the faint light of Celestia’s horn glowing.

Your once elegant dancing is now becoming very lustful. You wish you could push further into Celestia, but you can’t. Not with your mouth anyway. But you can always try something else…

You hear and feel your Goddess moan softly into your mouth. She places a hoof on your chest, and pushes you away slightly. A trail of saliva is still connecting your mouths, but as you pull back a little further, it snaps.

You don’t want to pull away. Of all the things you want to do, making out with Celestia is chief among them.

“Did that remind you?” you ask, catching your breath.

“I’m still not too sure,” she pants, also out of breath. “You’ll have to remind me later, won’t you?” she winks.

“Aww,” you whine. “Why not now?! I’m so excited!”

“I know, I can feel,” she smiles at you. You give a bashful smile as your face heats up. “But your health comes first. So I must retrieve the doctor, immediately.”

“No!” you whine. “Why can’t we have some fun?” You kiss her chest, trying to suggest what kind of ‘fun’ you should be having. “I didn’t wake up an hour early for nothing.”

“No, you woke up an hour early to see the doctor. Before you manage to distract me further, I will be going to get him.”

You’re room is illuminated in a great, blinding, golden light from hell. You shut your eyes as tightly as possible and turn your head away from the source.

You hate when Celestia uses magic, especially in the apparent safety of your own bedroom.

Your job involves training unicorns so they are combat ready. So, when training, you will often engage in hand-to-hoof combat. But many unicorns enjoy cheating, because they are dirty liars.

Your unicorn comrades know you have arms and hands (everypony knows), which when in the military, are the most valuable of one’s appendages. Besides your head. Or balls. Those are more important.

Because of your advantage, the unicorns will compensate by using their magic. They aren’t allowed to use their magic during this particular exercise, but what are you going to do about it? You don’t have magic.

You wouldn’t say you are scared of unicorn magic. You’re not. But whenever a unicorn uses their magic, you can’t help but flinch a little. You don’t think it’s noticeable to anypony else, but you know you’re involuntarily flinching.

It’s just a natural reflex.

One of your legion’s favorite pastimes during combat training is to flip you upside down, buck you in the stomach, which hurts like a bitch, and drop you. They think it’s funny. You think it’s painful, annoying, and traumatic.

Due to this almost daily experience, you can’t help but be wary of unicorn magic. Whenever you see a unicorn’s horn light up, you are preparing for the worst. You are expecting the worst.

You hate being upside down.

You can never physically threaten your soldiers, mainly because by the time you reach them, you are usually inverted.

Unfortunately for your fellow legionnaires, you can be an asshole too.

As a Lieutenant, you have the ability to make them do anything you want, and they have to agree. If you want them to bench press each other, so be it. If you want them to run a mile standing only on their hind legs, they’ll give it a try. And they’ll fail. Some things are just not anatomically possible.

You’re lucky they at least respect you and follow your orders without a second thought.

Back on topic.

Celestia’s use of magic inside of your bedroom can scare you at times. Not that you’re frightened right now. You’re too blind to be afraid.

Whenever Celestia decides to use her magic around you, though, you immediately think you’re about to flipped over and beaten. But then you realize she would never do such a thing to you. If she loves you half as much as she claims, she would never harm you.

And you would never harm her.

It’s good that you both mutually agree not to hit each other. Part of a decent, healthy relationship relies on both members not striking each other with intent to maim.

You feel yourself being lifted off of your lover, but you still refuse to open your eyes. The light hurts too much.

You reach out blindly to grab Celestia, but you can’t seem to find her. You feel yourself moving through the air, but you don’t care. Wherever Celestia wants to put you, with the exception of over the balcony, is fine with you.

After only a few moments of floating and trying to find your Princess with your flailing limbs, you land on something soft. Soft and bouncy. And soft. Very soft.

You can only assume that you are on your bed. Where else could you be?

You squint open your eyes. The tremendous light causes you to blink rapidly. Your eyes begin to water, causing you to blink even more.

After a couple seconds, though, you can see. Kind of. You see Celestia’s glowing horn, her beautiful, smiling face, her bare white chest, and her long legs.

You notice the blanket, folded at the foot of the bed, begin to glow gold. The blanket moves towards you. Celestia places it over top of you, resting it just below your shoulders.

You look up at her. She’s smiling softly down at you. “Now stay here,” she practically whispers. “I’ll be right back.” She gives you a cute kiss on your nose.

She walks around the bed to the far side of the room. You take a few moments to admire her natural beauty.

And by ‘admire,’ you mean ‘stare.’ Like a caveman that is seeing fire for the first time. Like a child on Christmas morning. Like a ten year old boy that just found the wonders of porn for the first time in his life.

If you were in a romantic mood you would say Celestia’s greatest physical attribute are her eyes. They’re so big! And so purple! You’ve never seen purple eyes before her, but you know if you have, they wouldn’t have been as pretty as your Princess’.

If you were in a state of arousal, or were feeling slightly normal, you would say her flanks. They are perfect. The way they sway back and forth can keep you entertained for hours. Days even.

And the way her flowing mane always seems to shield part of her face somehow seems to heighten her beauty and perfection. It seems as though every time you try to look into both of Celestia’s eyes, you only end up seeing one of the giant, purple orbs.

Now that you think about it, you rarely see both of her eyes at the same time. Her mane always seems to get in the way. Not that you mind. You think it just makes her that much more attractive.

She walks towards her ponnequin holding her royal attire. She never leaves the room without it. Ever. You’re probably one of the only beings in all of Equestrian history to see Celestia naked.

It’s a nice thought.

‘The only being to truly see a Goddess naked.’ You feel proud. You give yourself a mental pat on the back, congratulating yourself.

Seeing Celestia naked, or more naked than she usually is, you guess, is probably one of your greatest achievements.

You really haven’t done that much with your life. Nevertheless, it obviously is not a simple thing to accomplish.

You watch her with a smile as she puts on her giant golden necklace thing.

You don’t know what that thing is. You’re pretty sure it has a specific name. It’s too big to be a simple necklace. Celestia probably told you what it was. But you apparently were not listening.

If it’s called a necklace, it’s most certainly not a necklace you have ever seen. It’s massive. Most necklaces are just a small chain. But not this one. No necklace fit for a Princess/ Goddess can be that simple.

There’s some abnormally rare amethyst stone set right in the middle of the damn thing. The same type of stone is also set in the center of her crown. Celestia has been wearing the same crown and necklace for hundreds of years. Both are made of gold, of course. Or at least something that weighs and looks similar to gold.

The horseshoes are also made of gold. You imagine that would be rather uncomfortable on one’s feet. You know that Celestia has some magic padding, or something else weird that you don’t entirely understand, inside of each shoe.

Gold, in these vast quantities, is very heavy. You know this. You’ve undressed Celestia before, and taking off her clothing can prove to be difficult at times.

But you lift. Lifting improves your love life in two ways. The first being that it makes it easier to remove your Goddess’ royal attire. The second being that all you have to do is whisper softly in Celestia’s ear, ‘I lift,’ and she’s wet and ready to go.

Celestia, as everyone knows, is very strong. However, nopony has ever seen her work out or anything of the sort. At least not to your knowledge. You assume that just walking around all day wearing her heavy, golden, royal clothing is a workout in itself.

However, everypony does know that Celestia is very powerful with her magic. She uses magic every day. She teaches magic almost every day. She has probably even killed ponies with her powerful sorcery. Which is a pretty strange, but kind of awesome, fact.

You watch as she places her crown on her head with her magic.

You wonder if there were witches hundreds of years ago in Equestria. That’d be weird. A pony accused of witchcraft, even though unicorns can use magic at will. But you don’t like unicorns, so you wouldn’t mind seeing an angry mob of pegasi burn one at the stake.

You don’t know how that ponnequin is able to hold so much weight. You guess the thing is enchanted to hold abnormal amounts of weight for an extended period of time.

Not that it matters.

You watch your Goddess slip on her horseshoes.

The royal attire is clearly supposed to accentuate her natural beauty. Which, in some aspects, it does. But Celestia has the potential to be beautiful in anything.

That is, if she ever wore anything.

Celestia hosts and attends a ton of high-class Canterlot parties. They’re not your type, but you go because she makes you. You are her puppet. But she never wears anything at any social gathering. Everypony could be dressed in the finest and most expensive materials in all the land, but she’ll just go naked. Well, practically naked.

Not that you mind, of course. And you doubt anypony else cares either.

Celestia told you she doesn’t wear anything because she does not wish to endorse anypony’s creations. She’s not an advertisement, she’s a Princess. And she plays the part rather well.

You realize that Celestia is about to get the doctor. You really don’t want to see the doctor, but for her sake, you will. You don’t know why she’s insisting on a doctor visiting you. You’re fine.

Oh well. You have officially lost control of your life.

But you have not lost your sense of humor. You never will.

Before Celestia finishes dressing herself, you decide to enact a plan you have just recently formulated in your abnormally large brain. It’s nothing special. Just an idea you have.

As your Goddess is placing the last horseshoe one her final exposed hoof, you act.

You raise your tired form off the soft mattress and creep towards the bathroom, praying Celestia does not notice you.

You quickly become aware that placing a single shoe on does not take a long time. In fact, for Celestia, it probably takes .02 seconds, max. You quickly leap into action, beginning to practically sprint at the bathroom door.

The door seems to be a thousand feet away at this point. It’s your only chance of escape. You’re not seeing a doctor. No way in hell. So the only safe zone in your immediate vicinity is the bathroom.

Time slows. You notice the world around you become blurry and faded, but the door stays focused in your vision, but does not get closer.

Your hazy vision is replaced by a golden glow. You feel yourself being lifted rapidly from the safety of the floor, before being unceremoniously and forcefully inverted.

‘Shit!’ you mentally exclaim, crossing your arms in stubborn defeat. ‘God damn door.’

You curse the door for your unfortunate defeat. If you could’ve made it there sooner, you could be free! Free from tyranny! Free from strife! But most importantly, free from the doctor!

Celestia hovers you over so that you are both face-to-face. She does not look pleased with your daring escape attempt. You think you see… annoyance? Frustration?

You wouldn’t doubt it. You’d be pretty pissed if someone wasn’t listening to you, so she probably would be too.

She stops you so that you are less than two inches from her face. “You are such a child,” she says, sounding tired.

‘I regret nothing!’

You tilt your head slightly, extend your lips the short distance, and connect them with your lover’s. You feel all the blood rushing to your head. You’re still upside down. But at this particular moment, you do not care.

You feel Celestia press back very lightly, and very briefly. The kiss last mere moments before she levitates you back over to your bed.

You are slightly worried that your showing of affection was so short lived. You and Celestia could kiss forever, so to have this one be cut short makes you wonder.

Celestia has been incapable of showing affection for hundreds and hundreds of years. And then some. So, whenever you two become even slightly intimate with each other, it tends to last longer than one second.

Celestia has her ears folded as she walks up to you; an uncharacteristically sad expression adorning her face. You don’t know why she’d be sad, though. Life couldn’t be better!

“Why the long face?” you ask, smiling at your own pun.

You are so funny it should be illegal.

“Har, har,” Celestia rolls her eyes, pretending to laugh. “I get it. I’m a horse. Long face. Good one.” She stops walking and stands right next to you.

You weren’t prepared for that sort of response. “What’s wrong, sweetheart?” You are legitimately curious now. Something has to be bothering her if she is acting in this abnormal fashion.

“Can you at least pretend that this is important to me?” Her eyes quickly widen before returning to their normal size. “I am truly worried about you, but you don’t seem to care at all!”

“Celestia, I-“

“You’re treating this like a game,” she interrupts dismally. “I love you. I just want you to be OK.” She looks away from you and towards the floor.

You sit up, reach a hand slowly, cautiously towards her, and place it gently on her cheek. You slowly turn her head back so that it is facing you.

Her eyes are soft and sad as they gaze into yours. You can almost feel your heart breaking at the sight.

“Honey,” you whisper, trying to be gentle, “I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were so worried. I didn’t mean to make you upset.”

She closes your eyes before leaning slightly into your hand. She takes a deep breath. “It’s fine. Maybe I’m just overreacting. I don’t know what to do.” She leans forward to kiss you delicately on your lips, but only for a moment. “I don’t want anything to happen to you.”

You smile. Considering how old and wise she is, she really cannot comprehend the fact that you are never leaving her. At least, that’s what you’re hoping. She can get so worked up over the smallest things sometimes. You would think it’s kind of cute, if it didn’t make her so sad.

“Nothing’s going to happen to me,” you say, stroking her elegant, flowing mane. “How ‘bout you go and get the doctor? Let’s just get this whole thing over with.”

She smiles. Not the fake one she wears every day around her subjects, but a true, genuine smile; the kind she wears only when she is actually happy. Which is a lot less often than most ponies think.

“OK,” she whispers, sounding much more upbeat than she was a few minutes ago. “I’ll be back in a couple minutes.” She gives you a quick kiss on your cheek. She begins walking towards the doors on the other side of the room.

She stops walking halfway to the door to look back at you. “If you leave this bed, I swear by the sun I will punish you,” she states sternly.

You smile. “Is that a threat or a promise?”

She quickly turns her head away from you and towards the door. You swear you saw her blush, but she’ll never admit it. “I wonder what goes through your head sometimes,” she giggles, resuming her walk to the doctor.

“I’ll admit, Celestia, you are on my mind more often than you may think.”

“Aww,” she coos, completely misinterpreting your true meaning.

“But when you are, we are usually doing some pretty kinky shit.”

She facehoofs. Hard. And sighs, dragging her hoof down her face. “Well, as long as it’s me, I suppose I can hardly complain.”

“That’s the spirit,” you laugh.

“I swear, I don’t know how anypony puts up with you.”

Making Celestia blush or act bashful is harder than one may think. It used to be easy. When you were first dating, her face was flushed whenever she saw you. Now though, it’s much more of a challenge, which you have boldly accepted.

She is so cute when she blushes. But she hates it.

‘A Princess does not blush. A Princess does not get flustered.’

That is what she told you when you asked her why she hates it so much. It may not be the most ‘regal’ thing to do, but it’s adorable, and you love it.

“Love you, hon,” you call to her before she departs.

She turns back to you and smiles. “I love you too, sweetie. And don’t you dare move.”

You love how Celestia rarely calls you by your real name anymore. You have a nice name. Your parents did a decent job at naming you.

But you prefer it when Celestia calls you “honey,” “sweetie,” or anything like that. It makes you feel like you truly belong. That you are truly loved. Even if she is threatening you, when she calls you ‘honey’ or ‘sweetie,’ you can’t keep your heart from melting.

She opens the door with her magic and trots out of the room.

==========

‘Fuck. Everything.’

Today has been, debatably, the least productive day of your entire life. You have been lying in your bed since 5:45 this morning. With the exception of a bathroom break around 10:00, you have not moved. You have done nothing.

You woke up at 5:30 this morning, as you are already well aware of. You talked with your beautiful Princess for a while, before she left to fetch the worthless doctor.

Upon entering, the doctor immediately began poking at you. You don’t know what it is with ponies poking you when they first meet you, but it seems to be customary, so you just let it happen.

‘This guy has no idea what he’s doing,’ you thought as he fondled you.

Like all doctors that you have seen in Equestria, he is a unicorn. A cream colored unicorn with a brown mane and tail. His cutie mark was a scalpel.

Which is terrifying. You can’t imagine having a butt tattoo of a sharp, bloody, dangerous object, and not struggle when it comes to making friends. You kind of feel bad for the guy. And a lot of your legionnaires, for that matter.

But your pity for the stallion soon left you as he pokes around the burn mark on your back. The mark doesn’t really hurt so much anymore. It used to. When you first got it upon your ‘arrival’ into Equestria, it hurt so much you could hardly bend your back.

After many trips to the hospital and the spa for treatments, however, you sometimes forget it’s even there. Over these past few days, you completely forgot you had it.

You don’t even know how you got it. You just woke up in the hospital with it. Maybe your car lit on fire? You don’t know. And it doesn’t really matter anymore.

You talked with the stallion for like, ten minutes. If that. Maybe five. He just asked about what you did yesterday.

You told him everything. Which is practically nothing. You worked. You ate. You had sex. But you didn’t tell him you had sex. Some things are best left untold.

The doctor seems to think you had a classic case of food poisoning. That shit you ate yesterday at that terrible bar apparently got you sick. You wish Mulligan’s bar would reopen sooner. At least there you wouldn’t have to worry about vomiting.

Your hatred of vegetables and other non-meat products is increasing at an alarming rate every day. You would murder for some chicken. Some turkey. At this point, you’re contemplating killing and eating a griffon. You really want some meat.

You’re glad the doctor wasn’t a stereotypical noble douche. The doctor was, as most doctors seem to be in this world, a unicorn. Something like 80% of the population of Canterlot consists of unicorns. You’re not sure, but you know it’s some ridiculous number.

A fair number of those unicorns are of the nobility, or are related to or are descendants of nobility. Which is bad. If a pony finds out they have half a fraction of an iota of noble blood somewhere within their body, a lot of them automatically assume they are the most powerful being in Equestria. Some like to think they are more powerful than Celestia and Luna. But they’re full of shit.

The unicorns that aren’t a part of the nobility in any way, shape, or form are the only unicorns you can stand to be around. Pegasi and earth ponies also make great company, but their numbers are scarce in the capital of Equestria.

Anyways, you’re just glad that your doctor is a good guy. You have learned that unicorns in this city generally aren’t that way. They, more often than not, strongly dislike you.

Why does everypony in Canterlot hate you so much? You guess that it’s probably due to the fact you are one of the most politically powerful beings in Equestria, even though you were not born of the nobility, have gotten closer to Celestia than anypony else ever has, and you aren’t even a pony.

You want to go back to Ponyville. Everypony loves you in Ponyville. The unicorns there are nice. There are more earth ponies and pegasi. And it’s not a giant city. You’re not a fan of city life. You never have been, and never will be. You’re too big to stay in a city built for 4 foot tall equines.

‘I told you there was nothing wrong,’ you told Celestia after the doctor left earlier today. She just smiled, rolled her eyes, and kissed you deeply, clearly happy for the news that you’re fine.

After the doctor’s timely departure, Celestia raised the sun over a snow-covered Canterlot.

The sight was absolutely breathtaking from your freezing balcony. You could see Ponyville covered in snow from miles away. You looked down and saw some of the early-risers in Canterlot out and about the city. Everything looked a lot different covered in snow and ice.

Before you got into your shower this morning, though, Celestia told you to go back to sleep. She refused to allow you to bathe, much to your surprise.

She insisted you stay up in your bedroom and catch up on sleep, as though you need it. Which you don’t. You’re awake. You’re fine. If anyone needs to get more sleep, it’s Celestia, but she’s just so stubborn.

You told her you’re fine. Even the doctor thought so. Not to mention you have to go to work today. You can’t just go back to sleep.

‘I don’t care. You need your rest, and you’re getting back into that bed this instant,’ she demanded this morning.

And so, after some arguing and disagreeing, you did. Winning a fight with that mare is impossible. She’s too quick and smart for you to be able to take on. Thus, if she wants you to do something, so be it.

Not to mention she is your boss. She has total control of all Equestrian military forces, which you are obviously apart of. So if your boss told you to go to sleep… you guess you have to.

But just because you are in bed, does not mean you stopped arguing. The doctor said you were fine! You feel fine! Why is she still worried?

She never told you. You thought it was best not to bring that issue back up again, though. She got pretty sad earlier this morning, so you just stayed quiet.

She didn’t even let you go down to breakfast this morning. She insisted you go back to sleep. She knows you’re not hungry anyway, so breakfast at this unreasonable hour is not necessary.

She did promise that somepony would bring you breakfast in a couple hours.

And to your surprise, that somepony happened to be the Princess of the Night.

At first, you were shocked. Luna should be asleep. It’s not fair that you’re sleeping when she isn’t. It’s like, three hours past her bedtime. It’s not healthy for somepony as busy and as stressed as a Princess to stay up this late. Or early.

It took you a couple seconds to realize why she would be here. When you did, you smiled and patted the spot on the bed next to you, indicating for her to sit down.

Luna loves to talk to you. Everyone does, right? You’re just so abnormally interesting and full of ancient wisdom.

Well, actually, the only pony that seems to ever want to constantly talk to you is Luna. And you don’t mind that. You love Luna.

She placed your food on your nightstand. She regretted she could not stay. There was some meeting today requiring the attention of both Princesses; which she did not seem too thrilled about. But she did promise to talk to you later at dinner.

You bid her farewell, and she left to attend to her Princess-y duties. You don’t know what Celestia and Luna do during the day. You’re not a government official. Not that you care. You don’t need to know what they do.

You put on your custom made winter clothing; sweatpants, a t-shirt that says ‘Deuteronomy 23:1,’ because you can, and a comfortable winter jacket, all courtesy of Carousel Boutique, where everything is chic, unique, and magnifique!

You spent the next several hours exploring the Castle. You went to the Canterlot Archives and looked at all the ancient scrolls. You didn’t understand any of them. You’re not a unicorn. You don’t know magic. But trying to figure out what the scrolls said kept you entertained for hours.

You walked around the Castle Gardens for a while. It was pretty nice. The gardens were deserted. No gardeners, no animals, nothing except for you and your inappropriate thoughts, which kept you warm for quite some time.

Then, like an idiot, you got lost. You got lost, in your own house. When you say it out loud, you feel special. The retarded kind of special. But when you stand outside of your home and look at it, you assume getting lost would be rather easy. Which it is.

You’ve gotten lost in the Castle before. When you first moved in, you decided to tour the Castle by yourself; get used to your new, “temporary” home. You walked down one flight of stairs and immediately got lost. If it wasn’t for Princess Cadence, you probably would’ve starved to death somewhere inside.

You meandered about the gardens for hours. You didn’t mind, though. You never called for help or got worried. You just enjoyed the fantastic snow-covered scenery. But it was getting pretty cold.

Luckily though, you encountered a pudgy chipmunk who has not yet begun his hibernation, and he pointed you the way out. You thanked him, helped him into his treehouse, and got the hell out of there.

It’s kind of scary that animals like chipmunks and squirrels can communicate with you. Then again, you are surrounded by multi-colored horses that can talk, organize a government, have jobs, and be in proper relationships.

Thankfully, you found some Royal Guards on break. And even better, judging by their voices, you already knew all of them. So you took an opportunity to talk to the four or five of them.

Y’all talked about the weather. They don’t enjoy it, but they endure it. Then they talked about Hearth’s Warming Day. You’ve never heard of that, so you asked them about it.

By the way they described it, it’s the Equestrian equivalent of Christmas. It’s even on December 25th. The similarities between this world and yours is astounding.

You were planning on celebrating Christmas with Celestia anyway, but now you have more of an obligation to.

‘What do ponies get on Christmas –er- Hearth’s Warming Day?’ you asked yourself as you walked around the Castle again. ‘More importantly, what would Celestia want?’

Celestia, as you know, is not an ordinary pony. She is extraordinary. She is a Princess. A Goddess. So what the hell would her boyfriend get her on one of the most important days of the year?

You don’t know. But you have some time to figure it out. You’ll have to ask your friends what they give to their wives or girlfriends on Christmas. You’ve never had to give a significant other anything this special before, but you really need to now.

You rarely ever have to spend your own money. Most things anypony in the Royal Family does is already paid for, via taxes. So that means you have a pretty decent pile of bits in the Second Mariner Bank. So whatever it is Celestia wants, which, knowing her, is probably nothing, you may be able to afford.

But you can worry about that some other time.

The sun was lowered and the moon was raised around five o’clock. Celestia and Luna were still in that meeting, though, so you just walked around the Castle until dinner time finally rolled around.

Celestia and Luna have been in that meeting all day. Whatever it is, it’s probably extremely important. Meaning, you don’t want to get anywhere near that room. You wouldn’t want to screw something up and have a war start.

Now you sit at the long table in the Royal Dining Room, waiting for your Princesses to arrive. No meal may begin until they are seated.

Only you and Blueblood are at the table. Which is tremendously awkward. He despises you, and you aren’t very fond of him.

You guess Cadence is at the meeting. She is a Princess, after all. Shining is probably there too. As Captain of the Royal Guard, he is definitely in charge of security. You don’t know why Prince Asshat isn’t at the meeting.

“I hate you so much,” Blueblood says, trying to start a conversation with his usual charm.

You smile. “Likewise,” you yawn. “What’d you do today?”

“Hardly anything,” he shrugs. “Just sent a team of cartographers to Cloudsdale.” He runs a hoof through is messy blond mane.

“Why’s that?”

“I heard a few rumors that the clouds of the city are shifting by themselves. Which I doubt. Probably just another stupid rumor. But it’s something to do, so I sent them out.”

Blueblood’s cutie mark is a… compass looking thing. A really fancy compass. You never actually asked him what it was. Primarily because you don’t care. You don’t even know what he does during the average day, but judging from the conversation, it sounds like he is in charge of drawing up Equestrian maps.

Equestria, from the maps you’ve observed during training and around the Castle, is shaped like a giant square. It looks like America, but the borders aren’t quite as rough.

All the cities in Equestria, which are terrible pun-like knock offs of American cities are located in the same generally location as the American cities they are named after. Las Pegasus is where Las Angeles should be. Fillydelphia is where Philadelphia should be. The only big difference you found is that Neighagra falls is not where Niagara Falls is. Neighagra Falls is just northeast of Canterlot, which is directly in the middle of Equestria.

“What if the rumors are true?” you ask. “Could you just… move the city back into place?” You don’t know how ponies control the weather exactly, but you do know pegasi can move clouds around.

“Well I couldn’t,” he says smiling, placing a hoof on his chest. “I’m not a pegasus. But if it comes to that, then yes, we’d have to move the city back into place. We can’t have cities just floating around willy nilly.”

Makes sense to you.

Just then you hear the doors on the opposite end of the room open. You turn your attention away from Equestria’s only natural-born Prince and look at the far end of the room.

In through the door stroll Cadence, Luna, Celestia, and Shining, all in that order. You and Blueblood rise from your seats in respect. Three of the four noble ponies smile at you, while Luna just looks exhausted.

You quickly walk over to Celestia. You haven’t seen her all day. You hope her meeting went well. The last thing you want is for somepony to have angered her.

You extend your arms and wrap them around her neck. She responds by nuzzling your neck with her cheek. You love it when she does that. Her fur is so soft, it’d put cashmere to shame.

You pull away from the embrace. “How’d the meeting go?” you ask in a low tone.

Celestia sighs. “Long. Too long.” She gives you a quick kiss on the lips and smiles. “How was your day? Are you feeling better?”

‘There was never anything wrong with me in the first place,’ you want to say, but you bite your tongue. No sense in arguing now. Celestia seems too tired to put up with anybody. Including you.

“My day was fine,” you say placing one arm around her shoulders and walking her to her seat. She places a giant wing around you. “And I’m feeling great. Couldn’t be better.”

“See? All you needed was a day off,” she says triumphantly.

You roll your eyes. “What can I say, my dear? You’re always right.”

“I know.”

Of course she does.

No sooner do you seat Celestia than a giant salad is placed directly in front of her by some posh-looking waiter, who looks like he’s from France. Well, the pony equivalent of France.

You mosey on back to your designated seating position and join Blueblood and Luna, who are already eating their dinner.

Before sitting, you walk to Luna’s side and wrap her in a very tight hug. She squeaks in surprise, which is adorable. After a couple of seconds she finally responds by nuzzling your cheek.

“How was your meeting?” you ask, already expecting the answer.

“Exhausting,” she says in a voice even lower than a whisper. “We require rest.”

You feel bad for Luna. Everypony in Equestria expects her to raise the moon and be guardian of the night, regardless of what she did when she should have been asleep. She hasn’t slept in like, 24 hours at least. Which is longer than one may think.

Not to mention she was in some meeting all day today. You want to inquire as to what the meeting was about and why it took so long, but you decide not to. At least not yet.

You release your grip around her and take your seat. “Do you still want to talk after dinner?” you ask, remembering your discussion this morning.

She nods. “But of course. We must be awake for the rest of the night anyhow. It would be nice to spend at least part of it with somepony. That is, if you still wish to speak with Us.”

You smile. You love the way Luna talks. “That’s fine with me, Luna.” You stab a few pieces of lettuce and stuff them into your mouth. “Where do you want to go? Anywhere in particular?”

She shakes her head. “We could not be more indifferent as to the location. As long as We have somepony to talk to, We do not mind.”

“I implore you not to go anywhere near my chambers,” Blueblood interjects, rubbing his face. “I am simply too tired to put up with your late night antics.”

You smile. “Don’t worry about it. We’re not going to bother you. This time, at least.”

“…I don’t trust you.”

You shrug. “Not much I can do about that, is there?” You look back at Luna who is nibbling on a piece of celery. “You want to walk outside? I was in the Gardens earlier and it looked great. It probably looks even better in the moonlight.” You take another bite of your salad, crunching down on the lettuce and a crouton.

She raises an eyebrow at you. “How cold is it?”

“Right now? Probably below freezing. Just bring a jacket or something, you’ll be fine.”

Luna giggles. “We are not concerned about our own welfare. Only yours.” And why is that? “We don’t get cold as easy as your kind. We are an alicorn. We spent a thousand years on the moon.” She laughs. “Needless to say, We are not troubled by the temperature.”

You smile. Luna usually doesn’t joke about the whole Nightmare Moon incident, so it’s great to hear her say that. “I’ll be fine, Luna. If that’s where you want to go, we can go there. It’s up to you anyway. You were the one who wanted to talk to me.” You take a sip of your carrot flavored soda. You wince at its’ terrible, bitter taste.

“Alright,” Luna agrees with a happy smile. “The Gardens it is.”

==========

You enter your room very late in the evening. Sometime around 10:30 or 11:00. You have just finished talking to Luna about a great deal of things.

You talked about her. You talked about you. You talked about Blueblood. You talked about the weather. You talked about Celestia. You talked about Cadence and her great relationship with Shining.

Tonight with Luna was not nearly as emotional as you were preparing for it to be. When she showed up earlier, you thought something was legitimately wrong. But it seems she just wanted someone to talk to you, and you’re generally available for that.

It’s not like you had anything else to do, anyway. Not to say you didn’t want to talk with Luna. You did. You love talking with the younger, more impressionable, childlike Princess.

Luna is generally set to two emotions. She’s either hysterical or she’s depressing. And you don’t mind being around her during either of these times.

The doors shut behind you. You stop walking in an attempt to regain your vision, which has gone black.

When you and Luna went off to talk, Celestia came back up here to organize some shit. You don’t know what it was exactly. You have a habit of never asking.

“There you are!” you hear Celestia happily exclaim from somewhere in the room. You’re not entirely sure where. You’re too busy rubbing your eyes.

“Here I am,” you yawn.

“How was your chat with Luna? I hope everything went well.”

“Of course. She’s fine.” You shiver. “It was just really, really cold outside.”

You realized you were an idiot for suggesting you take a walk outside in the snow the second you entered the Gardens, but because you were the one who suggested it, and Luna readily accepted, you just had to go through it.

You hear the wondrous sound of your Goddess’ hooves clop there way towards you. You lower your hands and are immediately greeted with a surprise kiss.

Your eyes quickly widen before returning to their normal size. You wrap your arms around her, placing one hand gently on the back of her head as you kiss back.

She wraps a wing around you, breaking the kiss. She immediately begins walking you to… the bathroom?

“Where we going, hon?” you ask, sounding confused. The warmth her wing is providing you is a very welcome sensation. Even though you are inside, you’re still freezing. And it doesn’t help that Celestia always has your room so damn cold. You would kill for a heater. Or a hot bath.

The wing around you tightens, pulling you closer towards her. “You,” she emphasizes, “have not bathed all day. Correct?”

“Well, yeah, but why-“

“You smell terrible,” she interrupts. “And you look atrocious.”

‘Gee, thanks, hon,’ you think. ‘You’re the one who told me not to shower in the first place!’

“You really need to shower,” she concludes as you enter the bathroom. The candles ignite automatically at sensing your presence.

Your mind, as it is usually capable of doing, conjures up a late-night plan. It surprises you how much being in a relationship has made you think. Even though you are generally only thinking of one thing, you are at least thinking.

You rub your cheek against Celestia’s. “Will you join me?” you ask, trying to sound cute.

Celestia giggles. “Of course,” you feel her smile. “We always shower together, do we not?”

You shrug. “Most of the time, at least.”

Celestia’s wing returns to her side as she goes to turn on the water. You take a moment to admire her swaying flanks as she trots away.

Your body is quickly warming up as you feel yourself become aroused.

You take off your winter jacket, which you just remembered you still had on, shirt, shoes, socks, pants, and finally, your underwear; leaving you exposed.

You turn your attention to Celestia, who is currently undressing herself. She steps out of her golden horseshoes before levitating her crown to the side of your bathtub.

You approach her before she has a chance to do anything else.

You reach out and grab Celestia’s golden necklace just before she grips it with her magic. You lift the necklace from around her neck, and place it next to her crown.

She smiles at you as you bow and politely gesture for her to enter the shower. “After you, milady,” you say in a fake accent.

“Why, thank you, kind sir,” she says, returning the bow. “What a gentleman you are.”

Celestia enters the shower and stands perfectly still in the cascading water, waiting for you to enter. Which you do instantly, not bothering to savor the moment. There will be other times where you can just stand there and admire her. But right now, you want to act.

Celestia is standing with her back to you, her flowing mane and tail are no longer waving about, as the water pours over it, causing her hair to drape down her side.

The water violently assaults you as you enter, but you don’t mind. It was so cold outside, so the warm environment is a pleasant change.

You gently place a hand on Celestia’s rump, just above her tail. If she responded, you do not know. You are not looking at her face right now.

You trace a couple of your fingers along her flank, circling the sun imprinted there. You touch is soft, yet firm, making sure your Goddess knows you’re there.

You continue to walk alongside your marefriend, tracing your hand along her curves. You feel along her waist until you reach her outstretched wings. Either Celestia is aroused, or she is about to fly away. And you can safely assume she isn’t going anywhere.

You take the long walk around her wings, running one of them through your hands. They feel stiff in your grasp, just as they should be.

You feel along her neck before finally placing a hand on her cheek. You step in front of her and look deep into her big, purple eyes. You don’t know if it’s just the heat of the shower, or the heat of her body, but you think you see her face flushed.

You smile.

You reach a hand up to brush away her waterlogged mane out of her eyes. She moves her head forward to kiss you on the lips, which you happily accept. Her soft lips slowly meet yours as the water continues to pour around you both.

The simple feeling causes bolts of electricity to course through your body. You could spend eternity kissing this mare, but there are much better things you could both do.

Celestia wastes no time in boldly pushing her tongue forward, taking the initiative before you can.

You reflexively open your mouth upon sensing the presence on your lips, allowing her easy access to your mouth. Her tongue collides with yours with much greater force than you originally anticipated. From the kiss you both just shared, you thought Celestia wanted to take it slow. Apparently not.

You allow Celestia’s tongue to trace along your mouth. It’s not unfamiliar territory for her to explore, but you love the sensation. Her tongue travels from one end of your mouth to the other, before stopping to dance and entwine with yours.

You push back, and as you expect, she retreats. Your tongue enters her mouth, immediately reconnecting with hers. She lets out a small moan of pleasure at the feeling. She follows your tongue as you trace around her mouth.

The room is quickly becoming even steamier than the hot water has already made it. You don’t know if the glass around the shower is fogging because of the hot water, or from you and Celestia.

You quickly realize this is not getting you anywhere. You can feel your own arousal begging you for something more; and you can smell the arousal of Celestia without even trying.

You disconnect the kiss, move back a few inches, and smile at her. She kindly returns the smile, but you can tell she is silently begging you to ravish her in whatever way you please. You can see it in her eyes.

And who are you to deny her such satisfaction?

You grab the fluffy sponge-like thing that’s always hanging in everyone’s shower. Only this time, you won’t be using this to get clean.

You don’t put any soap on it as you begin to scrub Celestia. You start at her neck; somewhere neutral.

You turn and nip at her ears. Just as you catch them softly in your teeth, they flicker and escape your grip. You catch it again before gently nibbling. You open your eyes for a moment and immediately notice her horn glowing.

You know for a fact that she’s aroused now; as if her outstretched wings and her scent wasn’t enough. You continue moving your hands, massaging her neck.

Celestia closes her eyes and sighs at your touch. She loves it when you massage her neck and shoulders, but you don’t plan on staying in those areas for too long.

You begin the slow walk back, scrubbing along her side as you go. You gently rub the sponge along her erect wing, causing them to flap once.

You walk around her, stopping when you reach her flanks. You place the loofa between her legs without a second thought, and gently caress her marehood.

She audibly gasps at your touch. You glance up at her face to find her eyes closed, her horn is softly glowing its’ dim, golden aura, and she is biting her lip in a desperate attempt not to make a sound.

You continue fondling her most sacred area as you lean down. You stick out your tongue and draw it up her vibrant cutie mark, applying as much force as possible.

You give the imprint of the sun a quick kiss, before starting a trail of kisses down towards her rump.

Your hand is beginning to pick up the pace as you stroke Celestia’s mound with greater speed and desire. You feel the lust growing within you guiding your actions without conscious thought.

Your kisses get closer and closer to the base of her tail when the water around you ceases.

You withdraw your hand from between Celestia’s legs as your body begins glowing a bright gold.

You don’t even know what’s happening, but as quickly as it came, it stops, and you are no longer glowing. You look at your Princess who is surrounded by a golden aura, her horn shining even brighter than it was mere moments ago. After what seems like only a couple seconds, the light fades, but her horn remains aglow.

You wonder what it was that she just did, before realizing you’re dry. You were in the shower for God knows how long under the warm, rushing water. But now you’re dry.

‘I guess there’s a spell for everything, then. She definitely-‘

Your thought process is interrupted as Celestia brushes her ethereal tail under your chin, slowly walking by you and out towards your bedroom. She glances back at you and gives you a sultry smile with half-lidded eyes.

You are left temporarily stunned. She knows that all it takes is a little brush under the chin and you will do anything to/for her. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t surprise you whenever it happens.

You shake your head, not realizing how long you’ve just been standing in the shower. You bolt out of the bathroom at a speed that’d embarrass the Wonderbolts. The first thing you see is lying on her side, displaying herself for you with a seductive gaze; her tail playfully covering her most private area. You leap towards the bed.

Celestia catches you in her magical grip, levitates you over her chest, and releases you. You fall the few feet, land next to her, and immediately recover yourself.

‘So this is why I had to take a ‘shower’?’

You sit up to kiss Celestia on her lips. Not a long kiss, but a passionate and lustful one, nonetheless. It only lasts for a moment before you break away.

You place a hand on her side, and push. Celestia gets the idea, and rolls onto her back, her wings splayed out on either side of her body. Her horn is still faintly glowing, and her mane’s flow has significantly calmed.

As Celestia settles into a comfortable position, you reach for her neck with your teeth.

She gasps audibly and physically at your touch, but she’s clearly enjoying it. You leave a trail of small kisses and nibbles down her neck, advancing on your ultimate prize.

You waste no time in kissing and licking your way down her soft chest and belly. You feel Celestia’s chest and stomach rising and falling faster and faster as you continue, her breathing becoming more labored as you tug on her fur.

You take one her nipples in your mouth, gently sucking on it. You flick your tongue across the sensitive breast, eliciting a ‘mmm’ of pleasure from your mare. You look up and find spots on her fur marked with your teeth.

Hearing Celestia’s coos and moans of pleasure, you approach your final goal; which is playfully covered by Celestia’s multi-colored tail.

Too driven by lust to tease any longer, you easily push her tail aside, exposing her aching, heated marehood. You quickly position yourself in between her extended hind legs.

You turn your head and run your tongue along her inner thigh. You inch closer to her sex, and take a deep breath. Her smell is simply intoxicating. The smell of her arousal sends you over the edge, and you dive in, unable to contain yourself any longer.

You kiss her lips tentatively, attempting to determine what your Princess’ reaction will be this time. Your lips are drenched in Celestia’s juices almost immediately.

She gasps out your name, as though surprised, before stifling a moan.

You take a quick glance at your Goddess. Her eyes are shut tightly, her wings flap once, and her head is thrown back onto the pillows. You take all of these as a good sign, and continue.

You carefully spread her wet, white lips with your fingers, exposing her pink inside. You stick out your tongue and run it along the length of her moistening slit.

“Mmh…” Celestia moans, biting onto her lip.

Your tongue continues to trace up and down her slit, simply enjoying her taste. And her moans of course. With every noise and movement she makes, you feel your own arousal growing.

She wiggles her hips, trying to drive you further inside of her. You respond by extending your tongue as far as you can inside of her tight mound; which isn’t that far, but it seems to satisfy her.

You turn your attention to your Goddess’ swollen button. You wrap your lips around her clit and suck lightly.

“Oh!” Celestia shouts in surprise. “Yes! Harder, please.”

She wiggles her rump, desperately enticing you to continue. She’s pleading for you to continue. She places a hoof on the back of your head, forcing you deeper inside of her.

You take her nub back into your mouth without a second thought. Your tongue runs across it rapidly, increasing her moans. Every time your tongue brushes across her clit, she moans and sighs out your name.

Her juices continue to steadily pour out of her pink slit as you lap them up. You feel her thighs squeeze on either side of your head in a desperate attempt to, not only hold you in place, but bury even you deeper inside of her.

You suck with increasing fervor, feeling Celestia soon approaching her climax.

“I-I’m so close... Mmm…” She groans.

You know she’s close. You’re the one in between her legs.

You take one final moment to run your tongue along her moist slit, enjoying her taste. You stroke her clit one final time with your tongue before pulling away, gently running your teeth over her.

She releases another loud moan before stopping. She looks down at you and raises an eyebrow in confusion, her mouth forming an ‘o.’ She looks so innocent.

You sit up.

“No!” Celestia shouts in surprise, lifting her head off the pillows. “I-I wasn’t-“

“Turn over,” you interrupt.

You see the look of confusion on her face. You motion with her fingers for her to roll over. “It’s OK,” you assure. “Turn over.”

The look of confusion is swiftly overtaken with one of mutual understanding. She smiles at you as she begins to turn over.

You move back slightly, allowing her to comfortably change positions. You admire her impeccable body, her flawless frame, her athletic build. Everything about her is pure perfection. Especially her flanks.

She places her chin on the pillows as she lies on her belly. You hear her take a deep breath in anticipation of what’s to come.

No longer seeing the need in being gentle, you firmly take a hold of your marefriend’s flanks. You hear Celestia sharply draw in her breath at your forceful touch, before hearing her groan. Celestia may not have a very submissive personality, but every once in a while, she thoroughly enjoys being dominated.

You lift her rump off the mattress and into the air, her head still remaining on the pillows, her wings still erect and by her sides, and stand up. You bend down and deliver a brief kiss just above her tail.

You admire her backside for a moment, before deciding to advance. You move her flowing tail out of the way, exposing her heated marehood once more.

You place either of your hands on both of her thighs, respectively. You can feel the heat radiating off of her mound. You push both hands outward, spreading her legs, exposing her further.

Not capable of waiting any longer, you grab either of Celestia’s flanks with both hands, and run your shaft along her lips. You sense the heat radiating from her nethers. You feel her juices slowly trickle down your groin.

She sighs as you slowly guide yourself inside of her. You are met with little resistance as the juices already pouring out of her provide a great natural lubricant.

The feeling of her warm lips around your swollen manhood feels indescribable. The heat emanating from both of your bodies and mixing is already making you sweat.

You push yourself in as far as possible before stopping. Her insides feel like warm velvet, and it is divine.

You stay in this position for a few moments, getting used to the new and very welcome sensation. The only noise in the room is Celestia’s panting.

“Aah!” Celestia shouts as you slowly and deliberately withdraw yourself. She takes a deep, shaking breath. “Oh, yes…”

You pull back until the head of your shaft is still just barely inside of her. You grab tightly onto her flanks, and thrust forward with all of your might.

“Mmfph!” Celestia moans, but is muffled by the pillows.

You repeat the process of withdrawing before advancing again and again. Celestia’s rump moves in rhythm with your hips. As she moves forward, you move back. As she moves back, you move forward.

You move your hands along her flanks and sides, exploring the lower half of her body. You move your hands roughly along her strong flanks. You extend your arms to feel the athletic curves of her waist.

Your bend down and reach your hands under her and towards her stomach. You take her nipples in between your fingers and begin tweaking them, your thrusting never ceasing or letting up.

She moans even louder at your touch. You’ve never done anything quite like this, but judging by the way your Princess is reacting to your every touch, she seems to be enjoying herself almost as much as you are enjoying her.

You grab the base of her flowing tail with one hand and slap flank with the other. Hard. The combination of both cause her to yelp in pleasant surprise.

You look down her body and towards her face. Unfortunately, you cannot see her as she is tightly holding a pillow overtop of her head with her fore hooves. Celestia hates it when she moans, and will often go to great lengths to prevent her from doing so. But you love it. The excited squeals and gasps of pleasure she makes turn you on even more.

You move your hand from her stomach to her thigh. Your fingers begin playing with the sensitive area. You run your fingers across her thigh, kneading some areas, pressing firmly on others, basically massaging her.

All of this at once proves to be too much for your Goddess, as she raises her head slightly from the pillows.

“Aah!” she gasps. “I-I’m so close. Harder! Buck me harder!”

Not one to disobey royalty, you raise your hand and bring it down hard against your Princess’ sensitive flank. You can hear the muffled moan from under the pillows. Her wings twitch once before flapping at your rough touch.

You pull her tail hard towards you, forcing you deeper inside of her than you’ve ever been before. Your thrusting speed doubles as you feel yourself coming close to climax as well.

“I… I’m…” Celestia tries to squeak out. “Aaahmmfph!”

Celestia shouts one final, long, loud moan as you feel her walls tighten around your shaft. Celestia buries her face in the pillows once more halfway through her orgasm, attempting in vain to silence herself.

The feeling of her warm liquid seeping down your thighs and her walls closing hard around your manhood is too much for you to handle. You reach the height of pleasure as you continue to thrust inside of her, releasing everything you’ve been building up.

You take a moment to recover from your climax. Your vision suddenly becomes very hazy and you swoon slightly. You release your grip on Celestia’s steady-flowing tail and her thigh. You bring both hands to rest gently on her flanks.

Your hand kneads the area where you spanked your Goddess, massaging the sore area. Meanwhile your other hand traces along the curves of her waist.

The room is warm. Very warm, especially for winter. Hot, even. But you hardly expected anything else. You were both working pretty hard.

After a few moments, you steadily withdraw yourself entirely from within Celestia. She visibly shudders as you remove your shaft. You take a few seconds to admire your work, Celestia’s backside on display. It’s not every day Celestia simply allows you to dominate her in such a fashion.

The final waves of Celestia’s orgasm finally work their way through her system. Her rump still hangs high in the air as her head rests on the soft mattress. After a few brief moments, her knees give out, and her belly meets the mattress.

You let your body collapse from a standing position to lying next to a panting, satisfied Celestia. After hitting the mattress, you turn on your side and wrap an arm around her, bringing you and her closer together.

You feel Celestia’s chest rapidly expanding and extracting as she attempts to catch her breath. You smile. It’s not very easy to exhaust your marefriend, so you take pride in doing it as often as possible.

You reach your head up and bring it level with hers. Her eyes are closed, her mouth is hanging open, and the light from her horn is dimming further and further as time slowly passes.

You kiss her cheek before moving your head farther up. You kiss her forehead before nibbling on her ears. They move about and flicker at your touch, but that doesn’t stop you. You think it’s rather cute when she does that.

You lay your head back down on your pillow, close your eyes, cuddle into your Princess, and allow your mind to wander until she recovers herself.

You regret not becoming a pizza boy upon arriving in Equestria. If there is one thing you have learned from porn, it’s that the pizza guy always gets laid. Seriously. Just say something really cliché for a porn, like, ‘Ma’am, I’m here to deliver your pizza… with extra large meatballs.’

Then she’ll lick her lips and say something like, ‘What about the sausage?’

Then you’ll lift up the lid and say, ‘You mean this sausage?’

And then you’ll have sex.

You’ve never tried that before, but if there is one thing the internet has taught you, it’s that: delivering pizza = getting laid. Simple math. Maybe you’ll try that with Celestia.

If you weren’t looking for a relationship and just wanted to have sex, than being a pizza delivery boy is the perfect job. But seeing that you’re already in a great relationship, you don’t need to ‘deliver’ any pizzas.

You two don’t have sex every night. Most nights, the both of you are too exhausted to do anything more than spoon. Sometimes you’re both too tired to even talk.

This week, however, is a rare exception. A fantastic, wondrous, orgasmic exception. You have had sex every night this week. You don’t know what has made Celestia so horny all of a sudden. Maybe she’s in heat? How often are ponies in heat?

You don’t know off the top of your head. You’re positive ponies go through heat, but that can’t be the cause this time. Celestia was in heat, like, two months ago. And that was a great month.

Whatever. You’re too tired to think about this. As long as you’re both the happiest you’ve ever been, it shouldn’t really matter.

You feel Celestia move for the first time since finishing. She turns on her side facing towards you, extends a hoof and wing, and wraps them around you. She pulls you into her chest.

It is at this moment that you realize how sweaty you both are. You figured you’d work up a sweat, but this is quite a lot. But you don’t care. The only thing you care about right now has her chin on the top of your head.

Not wanting to have your face in a pool of sweat, you turn over; showing Celestia your bare back, her wing and hoof leave you temporarily.

You move yourself backwards into Celestia’s chest. She wraps a hoof around your waist, pulling you back even further, and drapes a wing over top of your naked form. You feel her hot breath behind your ear.

“That,” Celestia whispers, “was amazing.” She nibbles on your ear, returning the favor.

You laugh a little both at the touch and what Celestia said. “Oh, I know. I was here, wasn’t I?” You reach a hand up and rub her wing gently.

“Of course,” Celestia giggles, resting her chin on top of your head. “You know, I still prefer being on top.”

You smile and roll your eyes. “Really, Princess? It sounded to me like you were enjoying yourself more than ever.” She doesn’t respond, probably out of embarrassment, so you continue. “Maybe you like being rough handled, hmm? Maybe I should get a riding crop?”

Celestia takes a few moments to respond. You can’t see her, but you can almost guarantee her eyes are moving about the room in a desperate attempt to think of some witty response.

“I don’t even know what to say,” she finally concludes. “You are impossible sometimes.”

“I try.” You kiss the top of her wing before releasing a tremendous yawn. “I love you, Celestia.”

“I love you too, sweetie,” she whispers, giving the back of your head a kiss.

You feel exhausted after your late-night festivities, and want nothing more than to peacefully sleep.

Luckily, Celestia’s natural warmth soothes you to such a degree, you fall asleep in mere seconds.

Chapter 6: Hearth's Warming Day

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“Celestia,” you whisper, poking her side. “Psst… Celestia.” You poke her again.

She’s not moving.

A hoof comes within two inches of smacking you right across the face as Celestia turns her entire body away from you.

“Go away!” she groans. “I don’t want to talk to you.”

“You don’t have to talk, you have to get up. This is ridiculous.”

“It’s 5:00 in the morning!” she exclaims, addressing you directly by stating your name. “Shut up and go to sleep!” She grabs a pillow and places it hard on top of her head, as though such an act will cause you to vanish.

It doesn’t.

You poke her side again. “It’s Christmas. So get the hell up.”

“Mmph mmemmerrmm mmaemmnerr,” she grumbles, her voice muffled by the pillows.

“What was that, hon?”

“Mmn mmamm, ‘Mmph mmemmerrmm mmaemmerr.’”

‘Oh. Thanks for clarifying, babe,’ you think.

“Take your head out from under the pillow and speak like a grown up. You big baby.”

She removes her head and looks directly at your soul. You suddenly feel very vulnerable. And scared. Terrified, really.
Celestia has never looked so pissed off at you, ever. Her eyes are narrowed and she is practically growling. You prepare to make a break for it in case she attacks you.

“I’m the one being childish?!” she basically shouts, placing a hoof on her chest. She is clearly ready to attack you, but you can tell she is holding herself back. She points an accusing hoof at you. “You’re the one waking me up an hour and a half early to celebrate Hearth’s Warming Day! We only went to bed two hours ago!”

That you did. The Hearth’s Warming Eve Ball was hosted by Celestia at the Royal Canterlot Palace, which occurs every year immediately following the Hearth’s Warming Play at Canterlot Theatre.

The play was interesting, to say the least. It offered you a glace into ancient Equestria history, and how the three races of ponies came together in a great time of need, creating Equestria and Hearth’s Warming Day.

Chancellor Puddinghead was your favorite character. She was so loud and random. She reminded you of Pinkie Pie, but could you really imagine Pinkie in a position of absolute power?

That’d be absolutely terrifying.

The play seemed to be about some ice demons that were fucking up the world because all the ponies hated each other.

Once they finally realized that, everypony started to be a lot friendlier with everypony else. Which makes sense.

‘Be nice or the demon ice monsters from a frozen hell will destroy the planet,’ seems to have been the theme of the play.

Whenever violence was even mentioned in the play, the audience would gasp and recoil. Which you thought was hilarious. Entertainment on Earth is all about violence, so watching all these ponies react so terribly to it was pretty funny to you.

You had great seats. You sat next to Celestia in a box seat, to the top right of the stage. You could see everything.

Best part is, only you and Celestia were in the box. Not that you two were doing anything weird up there. But the privacy was nice. Luna didn’t go to the play and Shining and Cadence had their own box.

You were wearing a tux the entire night. It barely fit. It was dreadfully uncomfortable and it made you want to stab someone. But you couldn’t. Mainly because you had limited movement in your arms, lest you rip the suit.

As usual, Celestia wore nothing. Which is great. Nothing except her crown and necklace thing. She never wears clothes, and probably never will.

Immediately after that, you two had to leave to return to the Castle. You had to quickly make the final preparations for the Hearth’s Warming Eve Ball.

You two really didn’t have to do anything. The ponies that set that crap up did a great job, as always.

Octavia’s mini-orchestral group was providing the music for the Ball. Which was awesome. You got to talk to Octavia for like, 35 seconds before you had to go.

You doubt Vinyl got invited to the party. She’s not very… refined, you suppose is the word. Not that she’d want to be there anyway.

Guests started arriving soon after Celestia and you took up position at the top of the Grande Staircase, right in front of the entrance.

Celestia stands here during every single party she hosts. She never dances. She does not drink.

But she has to greet every single guest that she has invited (not that she writes out the invitations). And, because she’s doing it, you have to do it too.

Not that you mind. At least you get to be with Celestia for a while, even though you’re never actually talking to her.

You get to say ‘hello’ and become vaguely acquainted with the elite of Equestrian society. It surprises you that Celestia actually knows the majority of these ponies by name.

You’re terrible with names. The second after they first introduced themselves, you would forget their name immediately. It’s not your fault, though. There are just so many damn names of ponies that you don’t care about. And they probably don’t care about you. But for the sake of getting on Celestia’s good side, they’re not going to show you any animosity.

So you spent a couple hours standing up there, greeting your guests.

After all that shit ends, Celestia and you walk around the main room where the guests have congregated. You make small talk and that’s it.

That’s all you do at any upper-class party. Sounds fun, right?

Wrong. It sounds awful. Boring. Terrible.

You understand why Vinyl hates parties like these. You can’t even call that a ‘party.’ It was a gathering of posh, noble douchebags who talked about themselves all night with other ponies who were not listening.

The party ended at 2:00 in the morning. Very, very late.

So then you went to bed.

But before going to bed, you switched the alarm from 6:30 to 3:55. You knew it would suck and Celestia would be pissed, but you did it anyway, for the sake of the Royal Family.

They need this.

Celestia flops her head back down onto her pillow. “Just go to sleep,” she yawns. “I’m sure whatever you want to do can wait a few hours.”

“No, it can’t,” you respond. “Please! Get up.” You try not to sound desperate.

“Why should I get up right now?”

“Cause we need to celebrate Christmas before Luna goes to bed.”

There is a pause. And in that pause there is silence. No noise. Nothing.

You can tell Celestia is in deep thought.

“That… actually makes sense…” She finally admits.

“Damn right it does! I thought of it, right? Everything I think of makes sense.”

You can’t see her face, but you’re just assuming she is rolling her eyes.

There is a certain time of night where Luna is fully awake and not a mindless zombie who drinks her coffee and stares at the kitchen table. You don’t want your family to be like on Christmas, so you figured waking everypony up 2 hours early is a good idea.

The more you think about it, the more holes you find in your logic, but you’re doing this for Luna!

“Well…” she whispers. “Alright. Alright I’m getting up. But you-“ you feel her hoof touch your chest "-have to go wake everypony up. I am not doing that.”

“That’s fine, that’s fine,” you say quickly, wrapping Celestia in a hug. “Just go down to the sitting room and wait there. I’ll get everypony else.”

Celestia nuzzles your cheek with hers. “OK, sweetie. Don’t forget Blueblood.”

“Oh, how could I forget Blueblood?”

You pull away and dress yourself. Well, you put on a pair of pajama pants and throw on your robe. It’s Christmas, you don’t need to dress yourself up.

As Celestia goes to dress herself, you walk out onto your frozen balcony. The snow tingles your feet in a very unpleasant way, but you’ll only be out here for a few moments.

You scan the night sky, looking for any sign of the Princess of the Night. She can often be found roaming the night skies. She hates sitting in the Throne Room all day, as Celestia has to.

You look straight up. “Luna!” you shout as loud as possible, which is quite loud. “Luna! C’mere!” You wait a few moments.

After only a few freezing seconds, you hear wings flapping above you.

You look up to see Luna floating down from the sky and towards the balcony. She descends until her hooves hit the snow. She looks at you and smiles.

“How may we assist you?” she asks.

“You may assist me by going down the sitting room with your sister,” you say, motioning for her to go inside. “It’s Christmas, and we’re celebrating.”

She quirks an eyebrow. “Why must we go downstairs? We are still watching over the night.”

“The night is lovely, so take a break. There’s no time to explain, just go downstairs.”

You hear another set of hooves behind you. “Come, sister,” you hear Celestia say. “I don’t know why he’s so excited, but he seems to think it’s rather important.”

“It is important! So the both of you need to go!” You grab Luna by her hoof and pull her inside. “Now you two go downstairs, we’ll meet you guys there in a few minutes, OK?”

“Well, alright, but are you-“

“Yes. Whatever you were going to say, yes. Just go downstairs, for the love of Christ. I’ll answer any questions at a time that is not now.”

“Very well, then,” Luna says.

You smile and walk out of your bedroom ahead of your Princesses. You want to make this Christmas perfect, so the first thing you have to do it wake everypony up. And fast. If you don’t wake them up soon, Luna will start getting cranky. And you don’t want that.

You open the door and leave.

==========

You are sitting in the Royal Sitting Room. Appropriately named, you think. All one does in here is sit. The Royal Family has to have somewhere to congregate as a family too, you know.

You are currently resting on a very large couch, facing the massive, shiny, fully decorated Christmas tree.

You somehow managed to hide all of your Christmas presents until now. Hiding things in a Castle with guards walking around everywhere is very difficult, but you did it. Somehow.

You wanted everything to be a nice surprise, which it was. All the presents under the tree look very festive and very beautiful.

The Royal Sitting Room has various pieces of comfortable and squishy furniture throughout the massive room. You don’t know what this room is used for exactly. This is actually one of the first times you’ve ever actually come in this room.

‘Perhaps it’s just for celebrating Christmas?’

It’s possible. You don’t know what else one would be doing in the room. It’s literally a room for sitting, as the name implies. And that’s it. Nothing else besides sitting occurs here.

Except for Christmas. That’ll be occurring now. You look around the room.

Celestia is sitting next to you on the couch. She looks more than ready to fall back asleep.

Luna is the only one who seems to be fully awake. Which is odd. You rarely ever see Luna fully awake. She’s usually just drinking coffee and staring at tables, but now she seems… excited?

You guess so. There are lots of reasons to be excited on Christmas morning, are there not?

Shining and Cadence are lounging on some giant sofa. Shining looks ready to pass out.

You feel bad for Shining. Not because of Cadence or anything. You like Cadence. It’s just Shining works a ton of hours to ensure your safety, so he’s generally tired anyway. And now you’ve woken him up 2 hours early.

You feel kind of bad.

But that feeling leaves you as you realize that this is Christmas and he needs to cheer the hell up. He gets to spend time with his family.

You wish you had some Christmas CD’s or something. The Hearth’s Warming carols Equestria has are alright. Ponies love to sing, so there are a ton of songs. But it’s just not the same. How is one supposed to truly get in the Christmas spirit if they don’t hear ‘I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus?’

You don’t know. But you’re trying anyway.

Cadence is leaning heavily on Shining with her eyes closed. You’re guessing she’s actually asleep. You wouldn’t doubt it. It’s like, 4:00 in the morning.

Once every pony starts to wake up, they’ll start enjoying themselves a lot more.

Or, they’ll become so enraged that they’re awake that they’ll violently attack you and throw you into the dungeon.

One of those two things will happen, and you hope it’s the first one.

The dungeons scare you. And it’s no place to celebrate Christmas.

Blueblood is sitting on some chair, waiting for his coffee. You all are. The sooner it comes the better.

Even this early in the morning Blueblood looks pretty good. It looks like he has bathed and prepared himself for the day, something the rest of you cannot claim.

When you woke him up a few minutes ago, you swore you heard him mumble “Ba humbug” on the way downstairs, but you doubt it. Charles Dickens doesn’t exist in this world, so they wouldn’t know who Scrooge is.

There is a fire going in the fireplace across the room, helping everypony relax, and probably assisting them in falling back asleep.

You hear the doors on the far end of the room open.

Everyone’s heads turn their immediate attention to the cause of the noise.

“Breakfast is served,” one of the waiters proclaim as other waiters walk around him with trays of food.

“Oh, thank Christ!” Shining mumbles, sitting up. Cadence wakes up too and sits up.

You taught Shinning to say that. He doesn’t know who Christ is. He is the reason you have this holiday in the first place.

A lot of the ponies around you on a daily basis to get to hear you swear. A lot. Swearing is fun. So when they hear what comes out of your mouth on a regular schedule, some ponies are bound to repeat what you say.

They’re like children. Just repeating whatever you say, but you don’t care. You preferring saying ‘Oh my God’ to ‘Oh my Celestia.’

You’re just not a big fan of ponies using your marefriends’ name in vain.

A giant tray of fresh cinnamon rolls is placed directly in front of all of you all on the table. You can see the steam rising from top of them. You can smell the cinnamon, and you suddenly feel very hungry.

Individual cups of coffee are placed in front of everypony and yourself. The best part about waking up, is Folgers in your cup, you know?

You know.

“Ah! Hot!” you hear Blueblood yell as he bites a roll.

You smile. You want to say something to him, but you decide not to. It’s Christmas after all, so there is hardly time for any bickering.

You briefly wonder what will be for dinner tonight. On Earth, Christmas dinner can range from a wide variety of things. However, all of those things are meat.

Some families on Earth have turkey. Some ham. Some chicken. Some even have a combination of all three and then some.

But not you. You will probably be eating a salad with a candy cane stuck in it. Which is disgusting. Some things should just not mix together.

Like toothpaste and literally everything else.

You take a bite of a roll. “Ah! Shit!” you exclaim, effectively burning the taste buds off your tongue. You pick up your coffee and take a quick sip, attempting to calm your burning tongue. “Ah! Fuck!”

The coffee is hot. Not just hot, but boiling lava hot. You will now not be able to taste anything for like, two months. You’re tongue is just burnt too much.

You take a few deep breaths, attempting to cool down your mouth.

You look up and realize everypony is laughing. Very hard.

You don’t inquire as to why. You already know. You just sit back for a few moments so they can be done with it.

They eventually calm down and you feel Celestia place a wing over your back and side. She kisses your cheek.

“You’re so cute, sometimes,” she giggles.

You just roll your eyes. “I wasn’t trying to be, but thanks,” you say, leaning into her slightly.

“I didn’t think I would need to tell you these would be hot.” She gestures to the food. “I would have figured you would have already known.”

“I did know. I just… I don’t know, these things happen. Bad things happen to good people, you know.”

“I wouldn’t know. I’m a pony.”

That she is.

“Whatever. Who wants to open the first present?” you ask, beginning to get up. You quickly glance out the window and notice it’s snowing. It’s always great when it snows on Christmas.

Nopony answers your question. You walk over to the tree and still don’t hear anything. So you just pick up the first one you see.

To: Cadence

From: Shining

‘Oh this should be great!’

You pick up the terribly wrapped gift and walk towards Cadence, being careful as to not knock over any coffee or rolls.

“For you, Princess Mi Amora Cadenza,” you say, bowing deeply.

“Oh?” she asks, leaning forward. “And who is it from?”

“Your dear husband, of course.”

She levitates it out of your grip and over towards her.

You rejoin Celestia on the couch, simply waiting for Cadence to open it. Waiting and staring.

Cadence begins to tear off the decorative paper and you sit back. You wonder what your family is doing right now.

They’re probably sad. You’re ‘dead’, and it’s Christmas. You suddenly feel terrible and homesick. You hope they have a great Christmas regardless of where you are.

You lean into Celestia. She is your family now. These ponies around you are your family now, so you’re going to make sure they have to best Christmas ever.

Celestia wraps a wing overtop of you and shuffles herself, finding a more comfortable and more relaxed position.

“Oh, Shining!” Cadence exclaims. “It’s just what I’ve always wanted!”

==========

You didn’t know what to get anypony.

From what you’ve learned by being a human and watching movies and such, you know that women desire jewelry and clothing more than anything else in the world.

So, what do women get on Christmas? Jewelry and shit, you guess. You don’t know what women want.

Unfortunately, Celestia does not desire jewelry. Or clothing. She wears the same thing every day, so giving her clothing makes absolutely no sense.

She has been wearing the same crown and necklace for the longest time, and she’s never going to stop wearing it.

What the hell were you supposed to get the Dark Princess of the Night? You didn’t know.

You got her a scarf. A damn scarf. The scarf was lovely, though. It matched her coat exactly as Rarity described. And she loved it. When she opened it she ‘squeed’ and gave you a bone crushing death hug.

But it was a scarf. That’s like going back in time and giving Hannibal a scarf as a Christmas present. He’d probably eat it.

Oh well. It was something, and she was happy for it.

You got Blueblood two “Fuck Off” coupons, which he seemed very appreciative of. The way the coupons work is if Blueblood wants you to go away, he gives it to you and you leave.

You didn’t know what else to get the little bastard, so those coupons were a cheap way of saying “I care.”

Even though you don’t.

You got Shining a coffee mug, because you are lazy and uncreative. He liked it though. It said “#3 Captain,” which you guess he is. You don’t see why not. Captain Sparrow is the world’s greatest, followed by Kap’n Crunch in a close second.

You got Cadence a necklace or something. Something shiny that the typical female would enjoy. Cadence is hardly the typical female but she seemed to have enjoyed it.

Everypony got you clothing. All you got this Christmas from the Royal Family is clothes.

Not that you mind. You are actually touched that they went through such a great effort as to find your measurements (probably by asking Celestia) and going to get you some tailor made clothing.

You already have a fair amount of shirts and socks and stuff, which is what you got, but you could always use more.

Finally, you gave Celestia her gift. Just live everypony else, you did not know what to get her, so you just got her the only thing you think she will enjoy.

Socks.

Really long, full leg socks. The socks go all the way up her legs until they touch her body. You got her two pairs.

The first pair is light blue and they each have Celestia’s cutie mark imprinted at the very top. Instead of buying them in pairs, you get them in fours, due to the fact that ponies have four legs and all.

The second pair is striped dark purple and light purple.

You wanted to get her a slave, but the only zebra you know lives in the Everfree Forest. You doubt Celestia would accept a slave as a present anyway.

It would certainly save some of those tax dollars, though.

Surprisingly, Celestia loved the socks. You thought she was going to throw you out of the Castle for your lack of thought, but she seemed thrilled enough just to be getting a gift from a significant other.

You also got Celestia some massage oils, but you’ll give those to her later. No need to gross out the rest of the Royal Family, as though the socks weren’t bad enough.

Nopony else gave Celestia anything better than what you gave her. She got a hat, a new necklace that she’ll never wear, ever, and some slippers.

In all honesty, the socks were more of a present for yourself than it was for her. You pictured what your Goddess would look like in the socks before purchasing them, and you thoroughly enjoyed what you saw.

She can look beautiful in anything, and she looked sexy in those socks.

As far as presents go, this Christmas was nothing special. Not in the slightest. But Christmas is about spending time with the ones you love, and you love these ponies more than anything else in the world.

Now you are all sitting around and chatting, your pile of clothing sitting next to you.

“Did you have the Christmas you wanted?” Celestia asks you, lying on her side on the sofa. “You were awfully excited this morning.”

That you were. You smile. “Celestia, anything we do together is automatically great.”

The sofa isn’t big enough for you both to lie side by side, so you decide to lie on top of her. It’s clearly the best thing to do.

You straddle her midsection for a moment, finding a comfortable position where your genitals aren’t all twisted up. After finding such a position, you lay the rest of your body down on Celestia. Your head comes to rest on her neck. You wrap your arms around her.

You kiss her neck. “This Christmas has been pretty great so far, honey. And it’s not even morning yet.”

Your Princess probably has to raise the sun in about a half an hour. But for now, the both of you can just lie with each other.

“I’m glad you’ve liked it. This is the best Hearth’s Warming Day I’ve ever had.” She bends down to kiss the top of your head. “All because you’re here.”

You lift your head for a moment to kiss your Goddess on her lips.

You quickly glance across the room and notice everypony else has gone back to sleep. Luna’s sleeping on her chair. Blue is dozing on his. Shining and Cadence are curled up on their sofa, sleeping soundly.

You didn’t want to have to wake everypony up so early, but you had to in order to make your Christmas great. You wanted Luna to be awake and happy, just as she was.

You lay your head down comfortable on her neck once more.

“I love you, Celestia. I love you so much.” Your grip around her becomes much tighter.

Her wing moves out from underneath you and wraps around your body. “I love you too, sweetie.” She pauses for a moment. “Is something wrong?”

“Oh, no, nothing at all.” You rub your cheek against her neck. “I’m just happy. I can’t remember the last time I’ve been so happy.” You close your eyes and relax your body.

“Me either,” she whispers. It’s still quite some time before Celestia has to get up to raise the sun, so now you can relax with the one’s you love.

You want to fall asleep and dream, but it’s rather difficult to imagine a world better than this one.

The fire crackles.

There is a pause before you hear Celestia whisper again. “Sweetie?”

“Hmm?” you ask, not moving. You’re too comfortable to move.

“Merry Christmas.”

You smile. “Happy Hearth’s Warming Day, hon.”

You relax into the warmth of Celestia’s wing. You allow your mind to go blank and drift off into sleep as you hear the fire continuing to roar.

Chapter 7: Always Be Worse

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‘What?’ you think groggily to yourself, just beginning to wake up. ‘Where am I?’

You look around, noticing that you’re still lying in the same hospital bed that you found yourself in the day before.

‘What?’ You look around. You’re definitely still in the same room. You smack yourself, trying to wake up. ‘No. No! This can’t be happening. This is all just some crazy dream. Right?’

You begin to panic a little, realizing that you’re not home. ‘How am I still here?’ you ask yourself. ‘I should be in my bed. Or on my floor. Or at least on my planet! Am I going insane?!’

You feel yourself beginning to sweat as the heart monitor beats faster and faster.

‘I shouldn’t be here! I was supposed to be home!’

You begin to wonder if your friends or family are looking for you. You hope they are. You don’t know how they could possibly find you. This place seems to be solely inhabited by magical, flying, talking equines. You don’t even know how you got here in the first place.

‘How does a car crash result in this?!’

Maybe you’re dead, and you’re just in purgatory. Or hell. You doubt this is what heaven is like. Heaven is supposed to be fraught with your dead relatives, hundreds of women who are willing to do anything for you, and a great bearded man, commonly known as “God.”

So if you’re not dead, then you’re alive. And if you’re alive, and seeing these little horses waltzing around the place, you’re probably going insane.

It doesn’t take long for you to simply accept the fact that you’re insane. But just because you accept it, doesn’t mean you cannot attempt to fix it.

‘I need to get out of here.’ You look around the room, spying a wheelchair resting by the door. ‘I need to get out of here.’

Your hands are slick with sweat as you take them out from under the thick hospital blanket. You feel around your bare chest, searching for the plugs and wires that are holding you in place. And keeping you alive, for that matter, but your need to escape overrides your logical decision to stay put.

You feel weak and exhausted, but determined to leave. The heart monitor continues to beep faster and faster as your head swims. It suddenly seems very difficult to breathe.

You finally manage to grip the sensors on your chest hard enough and rip them off.

You bite your lip. The feeling is not pleasant, but it doesn’t really hurt or anything. Even if it did, it wouldn’t stop you now.

The incessant beeping of the heart monitor is now replaced with one long, steady beep. You glance over at the loud machine and notice it’s flat-lining.

You don’t know that much about hospitals. You generally aren’t in one. But you assume that now that you’re flat-lining, it’s only a matter of time before doctors and nurses come into the room to check on you, and put a stop to your escape.

With a newfound sense of urgency, you grip the plugs in your arm with your opposite hand, and steadily but quickly remove them. Removing them hurts, and you notice that your arm is now bleeding.

You want to get a band-aid or something, but there isn’t any time. You got to get the hell out of here.

You’re feeling dizzier and more tired by the second.

Your legs seem immobile, your chest feels heavy and is rising and falling rapidly, your arms are weak and bleeding, and your head is swimming. You’re not in the best condition to continue, but you really have to.

You begin to roll to the side of the bed. Despite your weakness, you’re moving as quickly as you physically possibly can. You drag the top of your body so it’s hanging off the side of the bed and place your hands on the floor. You attempt to move your legs over as well so you can lower yourself to the floor, but before you can, gravity takes over and you fall heavily to the floor, landing on your chest.

“Ooh fuck me...” you groan as silently as possible, moving your bandaged hands to your swimming head.

You didn’t know how much pain you were truly in until you struck the floor. Pain spreads violently across every inch of your body, leaving you breathless. You contemplate just staying where you are and dying.

You lie on your stomach and close your eyes. It’s not like you can do anything else. Movement seems temporarily impossible, and your breathing is quick and shallow.

‘Can you die in purgatory?’ you think as some of the initial pain begins to subside. ‘Do I really want to find out?’

With that thought, a newfound determination overcomes you, and you finally manage to turn your sideways.

‘There ya are,” you whisper, spying a lone wheelchair on the far end of the room.

Rolling onto your side, you begin your slow, agonizingly painful crawl towards the moveable chair. It’s a good thing you’re on a ton of painkillers, otherwise you probably would have died after falling out of your bed.

You place one arm in front of you, your wrist and elbow touching the cold tiled floor, and drag yourself forward. You only move a foot or two, but it’s progress, and you’re too weak to stand up, so this’ll have to do.

You move one arm in front of the other. And soon you’ll be sliding across the floor.

That song from Frosty the Snowman inexplicably pops into your head. At some times, it may be considered amusing, but this is not one of those moments. You’re bleeding. You’re in immense pain. You’re trapped in a building with talking horses. And that damn song dares to enter your mind at this stressful time?!

You want to shake your head free of the cursed song, but moving your head is probably not the best idea right now. Your dizziness is making it difficult to even see the wheelchair, which your eyes are completely focused on, so shaking your head would probably cause you to pass out.

You place your left arm in front and pull. Then the right. Then your left again.

What are you going to do when you finally get to the wheelchair?

You don’t know. You haven’t really thought about that. You assumed that simply getting into the chair was good enough, but that’s not even the half of it. You still need to somehow sneak out of this building.

From your memory, you can recall that hospitals are huge. They are very large buildings with multiple levels. So what if your on the top floor of a seven story building? What if this world has really tall buildings but only has stairs? And no elevators?!

You can’t even imagine that, and you really don’t want to.

Your head bumps into the leg of the wheelchair.

“Ow,” you say, but don’t really mean it. It wasn’t a hard enough bump to warrant any true reaction, but you gave one anyway.

You look up and see your ticket to freedom, to happiness, to a new life sitting right in front of your eyes: the wheelchair.

“Praise ye, oh Adonai!” you proclaim quietly, not wishing to alert anything beyond your door.

That brings you to your next thought. What is beyond that door?

It could just be a regular hospital. Or it could be the pit of hell. You’re not sure if you’re actually alive or not, but you won’t know until you look, so you better hop on and check.

You grab the leg of the chair, and attempt to pull yourself up. Alas, much to your chagrin, the chair rolls away from you, and you fall onto your face.

A pleasant torrent of curses directed at the chair escape your uncivilized mouth. The cursing may be inappropriate, but when have you ever cared? And it’s actually helping alleviate the pain, a little.

You resume crawling once more towards the chair. Luckily, it only moved a couple feet, so you don’t have far to travel.

Reaching up this time, you lock one wheel in place, then the other, before attempting to climb on. You grab the leg of the chair and pull on it, and much to your satisfaction, it stay firmly in place.

Confident that the chair won’t escape you this time, you reach up, grab the armrest to pull yourself up. Your arms are much too weak to get you into the chair all by themselves. This is an unfortunate fact.

You attempt to move your legs so that your feet are firmly planted on the smooth floor, but this seems improbable.

Bandages and braces of all sizes cover from your feet to your thighs. Both of your feet are held pleasantly in place by braces. Both feet are covered in bandages. Your right knee has some weird brace on it, and both legs are also bandaged nicely.

In all, you cannot bend your legs, move your feet, or wiggle your toes. You may as well be paralyzed.

Using your incredible upper body strength and unshakable will, you begin to lift yourself from the cold floor.

You bite down hard on your lip. You can’t remember the last time you were in this much pain; or if you were ever in this much pain to begin with. After only a few moments of struggling, you swear you can taste blood.

You feel beads of sweat accumulating on your forehead and eyebrows. You want to wipe them away more than anything else, but if you move your arm from the chair, you’ll fall, and you’ll fail.

With one final, tremendous effort, you pull on your arms will pushing off desperately with your weakened legs. At the same time, you twist your hips in an attempt to quickly turn yourself around.

Your efforts are greatly rewarded as you feel your ass come into contact with the base of the chair, and not the hard floor.

You smile proudly to yourself, briefly relishing in this first of what you assume will be many victories. Your arms grip both armrests as you attempt to lift yourself up a little and reposition slightly, allowing you to sit more comfortably. Only...

You can’t move.

You become suddenly aware of how small this wheelchair actually is. The armrests on both sides of you are squeezing your waist to the point that you fear you may not be able to get out without outside assistance.

Not that you want to get out of the chair, or want outside assistance. At this particular moment, you are exactly where you want to be.

Deciding to ignore the extremely cramped space you have inserted yourself in, you believe now is a great time to leave. Unfortunately, your head does not.

You still feel like you’re about to throw up. The feeling has been with you since you fell on the floor. Your head has been swimming for just as long, and you can feel the sweat pouring down your face, and the blood on your arm.

Attempting to push through the pain, you unlock the wheels, and roll your way stealthily to the door.

Green dots fill your vision, and everything becomes blurry; or, more blurry than it previously was. You don’t know if you need glasses or if you’re about to pass out. But one may be able to safely assume that by your sweating and bleeding and dizziness means you’re going to pass out.

You take the deepest breath that you can manage and grip the door handle as firmly as possible, which is not that hard, but you manage to turn the handle. You breathe a sigh of relief as the door opens.

‘Oh good. It’s not a pit of hellfire.’

You’re now assuming that you are very much alive, and not in any of the 9 circles of hell, but you still don’t know where you are.

You poke your giant head out to inspect the hallway; you don’t want your possibly sadistic, multi-colored captors finding you.

You poke your head out into the hallway. You take a quick glance to your left, then to your right.

‘Clear,’ you sigh in relief. If there is one thing that can ruin your day right now, it’s seeing a talking horse. So you decide to exit this building, and hopefully this world, as quickly as possible.

You open the door all the way, and roll into the hallway, continuing to look around you as you go. It’s becoming harder and harder to see, though, and harder to sit up straight.

Not that you’re worried about falling out of the chair. It’s holding you in place so tightly that even if a grenade went off right beneath you, the majority of your torso would later be found still stuck to this damn seat.

‘Where the hell am I supposed to go?’ you ask yourself, looking left and right as you think. There are long hallways stretching out on both sides, so either could be the way out. Or it could be a dead end, which may literally result in your death.

A sign catches your eye as you turn your head. You look straight up from where you are sitting and read, ‘Lobby ←.’

‘Oh. Nice.’ You turn to your left and wheel yourself along the hallway as quickly as possible. You feel relieved that you know where the lobby is, but you’re not out of this yet. You’re bound to see a doctor or a nurse at any-

“What are you doing out of bed?!” you hear a loud voice from behind you, interrupting your thoughts.

You turn your head, and only your head, slightly to the right in order to see what’s behind you, though you already have a pretty good idea.

You spy a nurse, you know her as Nurse Redheart, rapidly advancing on you with an angry look on her face.

“Oh shit,” you say, before grabbing the wheels and throwing your arms forward with all of your strength. You rocket forward at speed that would impress Alex Zanardi.

“Wait! Stop!” the nurse yells, advancing on you from behind.

Stop? You don’t think so. After all you went through just to get out of your room, there is no way in hell you’re going to let her take you back.

As you roll down the hallway, you see another nurse exit a room just a few feet in front of you.

‘Fuck.’

“Tenderheart! Stop him!” the voice yells from behind you. Nurse Redheart’s hooves are growing in volume, which could only mean that she’s getting closer to you.

The nurse known as ‘Tenderheart’ looks over just in time to see you glide past her. But your victory is short lived, as you hear more hooves join in the attempt to stop your escape.

You can feel your heart beating in your ears as your vision gets even blurrier. The hallway seems like it’s spinning, but you keep going on anyway.

In your disoriented state, you get too close to the wall, and the wheelchair’s wheel and your arm collide against it. The chair bounces off the wall, and you continue on your way as fast as possible.

“Ah! Shit!” you slur, your injured hand throbbing as it pushes the wheels forward. You’re tempted to stop and turn around. The ponies chasing you are nurses, so they’ll be able to fix you up and make the pain go away.

With that thought, you almost stop, but don’t. This is almost over. You’ve come too far to stop now.

You speed into the lobby, painfully bounce off a pillar, and roll to a halt. All around you, the few doctors, nurses, and patients that are present stop whatever they’re doing and look at you. You look back at them.

No one moves. No one says anything. They don’t look angry. They look confused. And you look back at them with a confused expression.

You hear the hooves of the nurses behind you getting closer and closer.

‘Oh fuck,’ you think, moving yourself forward again.

“Will somepony stop him?!” a voice from behind you yells as you get about halfway through the lobby.

Just then, the ponies wearing lab coats in the lobby spring into action, and attempt to grab onto you. But it’s too late for them. You already reached the door.

Thankfully, the doors are automatic, and they open just in time for you to roll out without slamming into the glass.

You roll out into the cold air. The sun hasn’t risen yet, and you immediately take notice of the millions of stars twinkling above you. You’ve never seen so many stars before. It’s pretty.

The cold air is a pleasant relief from your rising body temperature. It feels especially nice considering you’re completely naked. It feels like for the first time since you woke up you can breathe.

The sun begins to rise over the horizon. Slowly, the night sky gets brighter and the stars disappear. The light from the sun reflects across the clouds, turning the sky a beautiful red and orange.

Everything is really blurry now. All you know is that you’re looking up and can see colors. You’re not even sure what you’re looking at anymore. Your dizziness has become too much to bear. You’re going to puke.

A voice comes from behind you, but you don’t know what it says. It’s clearly directed at you, but the voice doesn’t sound angry or threatening anymore. It sounds tentative. As though if it says the wrong thing, you’ll flip out. A couple seconds pass before you hear it again. But you still can’t tell what it wants.

You close your eyes in an attempt to get rid of the dizziness. Even though your eyes are closed, everything gets really bright. Then dark.

Then nothing.

==========

You blink yourself awake, immediately noticing the temperature of the room.

‘Why the hell is it always so damn cold in here?!’ you shout in your head, not having the energy to actually say it.

You’re freezing, as you often seem to be on these dreadful, early mornings in the realm of magic and happiness. It’s so cold that when you exhale, you swear you see steam.

This is the coldest you’ve been in a while. It may not even be that cold, but whenever you first wake up, and the air is only slightly chilly, it feels a lot colder than it actually is. So now you’re freezing. And you’re sad.

In an attempt to gain back your long lost warmth, you blindly feel around for the blanket you love so much. You raise up your arms and bring them down, but all you feel is your chest and stomach. No blanket.

Curious, you glance to the foot of your bed where you spot a luxurious pile of crumpled up wool. The blanket seems to be there almost every morning.

‘Damn it, Celestia,’ you think, but don’t really mean it. You understand her problems when it comes to sleeping, and nighttime in general. You sigh. ‘She probably had another damn nightmare.’

You can almost guarantee that she had some fucked up dream again, but you doubt she’ll mention it. She never does.

Deciding to bring her sleeping habits as a topic of conversation later in the day when the sun is actually raised, you sit up, grab the blanket, and fall backwards onto the soft mattress.

Situating yourself so you are comfortable and warm, you glance over to your clock.

‘4:50?’ you calmly ask yourself. Waking up at these early hours has been so common that you can’t even get annoyed anymore. You’re now just assuming that it is your destiny to wake up so early every day.

‘Reckon I’ll go back to sleep.’ You want to go back to sleep, but you feel very much awake. Your mind wants you to go to sleep, or at least do nothing for a while, but your body wants to get up.

This kind of thing happens fairly often. You want to sleep. Sleeping is fun. It’s the greatest thing God’s creations can physically accomplish with no effort. So when you can’t fall asleep, but it’s too early to get up, the next best thing is cuddling.

With this revelation, you turn over on your other side to see your Princess. She’s resting peacefully on her side, her back facing you.

You can’t help but smile as you look at her. She’s just so beautiful, so perfect in every way, and you have no idea why she’s lying here with you. Surely, she could have anypony she wanted; or any living being for that matter. But she chose you.

Why?

You have no idea. You’ve asked yourself that question a million times since you got together, and you have not yet been able to determine what irrational thoughts must go through her mind in order for you both to be together.

But you’re glad that she thinks the way she does. You love being with her, and you wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.

You observe her body as she sleeps. Although, ‘observe’ in this case can be interchangeable with ‘stare at.’

You thoroughly enjoy looking at your marefriend. Especially when she sleeps. She looks so peaceful, and this is the only time of the day when she does, but she still looks just as beautiful, if not more, as she does during the day.

Your eyes trace along her body, starting at her shapely flank, and slowly moving up. You admire the curves of her waist, even though the majority of her midsection is covered by her massive wings. The rest of her upper body seems to be guarded by her flowing mane. You wish you could see her face, her radiant eyes, but she’s not facing you.

Celestia’s shaking interrupts your pleasant thoughts. You notice that she’s not covered by the blanket as you are, something that’s obvious though you didn’t recognize it until now. She subconsciously curls herself up a little bit, probably trying to get warmer as she sleeps.

Despite the fact that her being cold is the most adorable thing you have yet to witness in this lifetime, you are obligated as her significant other to fix this small problem.

You grab the blanket on her side of the mattress and pull it up to her shoulders. Or, the pony equivalent of shoulders, you suppose. Even though you’ve been living here for such a long time, you still hardly know the anatomy of ponies.

Not that you need to. You’re not a doctor. One only really needs to know the basics, like ‘flank,’ ‘hooves,’ ‘legs,’ ‘face,’ and you’re good.

After pulling the covers over her, you press yourself against her back.

‘How is she so warm?’ you ask as you touch her. Despite the temperature of the room, she feels as warm as she always does. Whereas you are practically frozen. You don’t know why it’s so damn cold in here. Probably because of the extremely high elevation.

Canterlot, being built into the top of a possibly unstable mountain, is not really close to sea-level. The higher one goes, the colder it gets, so it doesn’t really help that you’re sleeping in the highest point of the tallest tower on the tallest mountain in the country.

‘Being a weather pegasi here must suck,’ you assume. Freezing to death for a living is not your idea of a good career.

You adjust the covers so they rest comfortably above your shoulders before wrapping an arm around her side. You rub her belly as your elbow rests on the soft feathers that cover her wings. You know they’re sensitive, so you try your best not to put a lot of pressure on it. You rest your head gently on her neck as to not wake her up.

She kicks a foreleg in her sleep and mumbles something you can’t understand. You’re much too awake now to close your eyes, so you decide to just stare out the balcony doors into the night sky and think.

‘What do I have to do today?’ you ask yourself. ‘Probably whatever I didn’t finish yesterday... paperwork.’

You're actually pretty excited to do paperwork today. You could use a break from all the working out you and your Century have been doing recently. Captain Sparrow has felt the need to drop by almost every other day, so you’ve been trying to keep your stallions in top physical condition, lest you get a bad review. You hope to get a promotion someday.

You’ve been coming home exhausted every single day for the past month because of these surprise inspections. This, added with what you’ve called Celestia’s “cooling down” period, has done nothing to help your sex life. Quite the opposite.

It could always be worse, though.

Celestia kicks a hind leg, causing the blanket to move down from your shoulders to your chest. She moves her head back a little, causing you to sit up slightly, and move your hand to her waist. Or, the pony equivalent of a waist, you guess. She raises her forehooves and rubs at her face, trying to wake herself up.

“Hmm?...” she grunts. “What time is it?” She curls her forelegs back into her chest and rests her head on her pillow. Just as you look over to recheck the time, you begin to glow gold, are lifted up a couple inches, and dumped on top of your Princess.

Your chest connects with Celestia’s after your brief fall, who has rolled onto her back in order to catch you. Her forelegs wrap around you, quickly followed by her giant wings.

“Ah!” she gasps. “You’re freezing!” She places her chin gently on top of your head.

“And you’re hot,” you respond quickly, hoping she catches the double-meaning. “You kicked the blanket off us again.”

“Oh.” Her wings tighten around you a little. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.”

“I know you didn’t, hon. It’s OK... Do you know you kick and mumble in your sleep?” You reach your arms up to wrap them around her neck.

“I... I’d prefer not to talk about it.”

You sense how sensitive her voice is, so you cut her off before she can say anything more on the subject. “OK, hon. Sorry. Didn’t mean to bring it up. And to answer your question,” you glance to your side, “it’s 5:00 o’clock.”

“That early?”

“That early.”

“Then what are you doing up? You’re always complaining about mornings, so shouldn’t you be asleep?”

You rub your cheek against the side of her neck. “Me? Sleeping? Never. Is it a problem that I wanted to cuddle a little bit?”

“No, no, not at all.” One of Celestia soft hooves begins to trace along your back.

“I’ve been waking up this early for the longest time.” You yawn. “I’ll either go back to sleep, as I usually do, or I’ll lie here awake. And cuddle.”

“Insomnia?”

“No, it’s not that. Just hard to sleep sometimes”

‘Like every fucking day,’ you add in your head.

“This sort of thing probably happens to most ponies.”

“I don’t think so,” Celestia muses. “It doesn’t happened to me. I’ve been able to sleep through most nights.”

You squeeze your arms around your Goddess. “Well, you aren’t most ponies, are you?”

You sense the amusement in her voice as she responds, “No, I most certainly am not.”

Celestia rolls onto her side with you still in her tight embrace. The action is startling, but not unwelcome. You manage to shift up a little bit so you are face to face with your Goddess. You stroke her neck with a hand, and place your forehead against hers.

“Why don’t you go back to sleep, hon?” you whisper, stroking her side. You can feel the steady beating of her heart; the sound of the beat is so relaxing you’re considering trying to go back to sleep. “It’s too early to get up.”

One of your Goddess’ delicate hooves caresses your side. “Then what will you do if you can’t sleep?” she asks. “It hardly seems fair for me to get rest without you.”

You kiss her snout. “Just lay here, I guess.” You don’t know what else you would do. “That sounds fair to me.”

A few moments of silence pass by, and you allow your mind to go blank. You don’t know what to think right now. It’s too early to think, and there’s nothing to think about anyway. You’ve spent such a large portion of your life just thinking that you decided it’s time for a break.

Thinking about nothing is great. You now know why most people/ponies choose to do it. It’s not stressful, it’s relaxing... it just feels nice, and you like to feel nice.

“You know,” Celestia begins, her grip on you loosening slightly, “I’m not tired anymore. Maybe we could start our day early?”

She pulls back and opens her eyes to look in yours. For the first time this morning you get to see her beautiful, purple eyes, her perked up ears, and her seductive smile.

‘Why the hell would I want to start my day an hour early?’ you ask yourself, completely oblivious.

“Why should we get up now?” you ask. “The alarm doesn’t go off, for like, another hour and a half.”

She rolls her eyes. “That’s not what I meant, dear.”

What?

“I don’t get it,” you respond, genuinely confused.

Before you know what’s happening, your Princess turns her head slightly and forces you into a deep kiss, her legs tightening around you once more.

‘Oh shit.’

Your eyes shoot open in surprise, but slide shut as you begin to kiss back. Her lips are almost as soft as the mattress you are currently sinking into.

Your Princess wastes no time in boldly taking the initiative, sliding her warm tongue forward and into your mouth.

Your tired mind cannot react in time with Celestia’s swift and pleasant movements. You allow her tongue to explore your mouth unchecked for a few glorious moments before she slowly withdraws. As she pulls back, she grips your bottom lip gently in her teeth.

“Do you understand now?” she asks, seductive as ever.

All you can do is nod, not knowing what to say.

“You are too cute sometimes.”

==========

The walk to work this morning is much better than usual.

It seems that way, at least. The elation you are feeling after this mornings activities is so high you think you’re about to start flying.

‘This has been the best morning since Christmas!’

You don’t think you’ve ever been so happy this early in the morning before. The locals, just beginning to open up shop for the day, gaze at you with confused and surprised stares before resuming their business. You take this same path to work everyday, but rarely smile.

You can always tell the difference between a local and a tourist. A local will look at you, smile, nod or greet you as you pass by, and that’s basically that. A tourist, though, will stop, stare, and keep staring at you until you are out of their direct line of sight.

You love tourists. Practically everypony in Equestria knows who you are, or have at least heard of or seen pictures of you. You assume that your height, and general odd appearance, is what causes every living being to stop what they’re doing to look at you. It may be that, or something else. You don’t know. You’ve never asked them.

They’re generally looking at you in fascination, and sometimes, they even look at you in envy; but it’s not animosity, so you don’t mind it.

‘We’ve never had sex in the morning before,’ you think, continuing to walk down one of the many lightly-crowded streets that make up Canterlot in the early hours of the morning.

Making love in the morning was fantastic, but you’re not assuming that it will become an everyday occurrence; you don’t want it to be, but it was nice for this morning. This is the greatest you’ve felt in quite some time.

What better way is there to start the day than sex? You can’t think of one.

Except bacon.

‘Would I rather have bacon or sex in the morning?’

Probably bacon. You haven’t had the delectable, greasy deliciousness in decades. At least, it feels like it has been that long. It’s not that you don’t enjoy sex, because you do. You enjoy it very much. But bacon...

It’s bacon.

Oh well. You’re not going to start complaining about sex. Especially not with a Goddess. You enjoy every moment of it, and truthfully, you wouldn’t even think of trading it for anything.

Looking around, you notice a few ponies looking at you. Some nodding. Some smiling. Some staring. Nothing new.

You just smile and nod politely at them. You consider stopping to chat, but you should really get to work. If Captain Sparrow has decided to make another inspection and you aren’t there, you can kiss any possible promotion goodbye.

You aren’t all too motivated to become a Captain in the Equestrian Legion. You don’t really understand what Captains do exactly. Hell, you don’t really know what Lieutenants do either. But a promotion is a promotion, and everypony and their mother wants one.

What’s not to want about it? There’s more money, it’s not as physically demanding as a grunt’s work, and you get more respect. There may be more paperwork, but you think that’s a fair trade.

As you walk through the streets, a question enters your mind.

‘What should I get for lunch today?’

You ask yourself that very same question almost every single day at this time. You contemplate stopping by the market, which is just down the street, and getting something. But what could you get from there?

‘I could get a tomato,’ you think. ‘Or a carrot. Or I could get an apple for lunch.’

All of these are terrible ideas. All of the individual fruits and vegetables that are sold at the market are over-priced in the city and wouldn’t fill you up anyway.

The closest farm to Canterlot is at the base of the mountain. Which is miles away. So, when one pays for produce, they’re also unknowingly paying for its’ shipping. Not that it matters to most ponies. Canterlot is a very wealthy city, so most ponies don’t look twice at the prices of produce.

But you, being ‘from’ Ponyville, know the difference. Ponyville has the benefit of Apple family farm and Carrot Top’s farm, so prices are reduced, and it tastes a lot better, considering it’s relatively fresh.

Not here, though. You gotta be careful where you buy your food. And you know that better than anypony. It wasn’t too long ago that you ate a ‘fresh’ sandwich from some bar only to wake up in the middle of the night and empty your stomach out your mouth.

You haven’t returned to that bar, mainly because you forgot the name, and you never plan on going back. You don’t know what you would do if you went back, anyway.

You’re mad that the place sold you a crappy sandwich that caused you physical pain. But at the same time, you’re happy that you got to spend those precious moments with your Princess. Even though you were in pain, it was still a nice night; certainly one you will never forget.

Your stomach rumbles as you pass by Joe’s Donut Shop. You love that place, and, surprisingly, Celestia does too. Most ponies wouldn’t think royalty would enjoy donuts so much, but she does. Sometimes, on your way home from work, you pick up a box for the Royal Family to share.

You’re the only (non-official) member of the Royal Family that can go out in public as you do and not be surrounded by guards, the Canterlot elite, or go to these small shops without making it a big deal.

If Celestia were to personally go out and get a sandwich from some deli, that particular deli would immediately see a great influx of patrons. So, in order not to endorse anypony, you go out and run these errands.

‘Guess I’ll get a sandwich or something when lunch comes around,’ you think, turning onto a different road. ‘Maybe I’ll get something new?’

You’re feeling rather adventurous this morning, for obvious reasons. So maybe you will get a new sandwich from a different shop...

Or maybe you won’t. You were just thinking of that egg sandwich you had weeks ago, and that wasn’t a pleasant experience. You were in pain. It’s one thing to get sick at home, and another to get sick at work.

You don’t know. You’ll just have to wait until lunch time rolls around.

This early-morning emotional high that you are experiencing may foreshadow the rest of your day. You never have any good mornings, so you never really have any truly great days.

But this morning, thus far, has been fantastic! So the rest of your day should be just as good. Right?

Isn't that why God made mornings so miserable? So that when one is finally great, you know everything is going to be all right?

It’s an interesting theory.

You’re full of interesting theories. People should listen to you more. But you know they won’t.

Oh well. Their loss.

You easily spot the barracks just a couple feet away from you, at the corner of the street. Good timing too; rush hour, or the pony equivalent to rush hour, seems to be just beginning. Ponies are pouring out of their houses, seemingly at the same exact time as everypony else, and enter the streets of Canterlot.

As much as you’d love to get caught in traffic, just for old times sake, you decide it’s about time you got to work.

You push open the front doors and enter the small, empty lobby.

You’re glad Equestria doesn’t have cars. If it did, then you would have to drive to work, which is a terrifying thought for quite a number of reasons.

One being that the streets are so crowded you can barely walk through them! You can’t even imagine trying to get a car through this cramped city!

Imagine if each and every individual walking to work this fine morning was in a car.

You can’t imagine the traffic reports. The streets would be jammed, everypony would be pissed, coffee shops would be even more crowded, parking garages would be everywhere! Which would do nothing but further constrict one’s movement in this damn city.

Not to mention that you are terrified of driving. You can’t even remember how to drive a car, its been so long. If an automobile randomly appeared before you, you could probably drive it, but you would do a horrific job at doing so.

You weren’t a good driver in the first place. If you were a good driver, you never would have crashed your car and ended up in Equestria. So it’s kind of a good thing that you were such a bad driver; it brought you here.

You’re lucky to be alive.

It could always be worse, though. Always be worse.

Waltzing through the empty lobby, you take a quick glance at the clock hanging on the nearby wall.

‘7:13,’ you observe. ‘I’m a little late today.’

You’re not concerned about being late. You’re courting the ruler of this country, so if you show up a little late, and somepony has a problem with it, they can tell Celestia.

You hate to abuse your power like that, but it’s not like you’re trying to be late. You are a very punctual individual, but the traffic in the mornings is terrible. With the combination of the ponies walking to work and the tourists stopping to stare at you, it takes a few extra minutes to get here.

Not that anypony cares that you’re late. Nothing ever seems to be happening that involves the military. From what you’ve gathered about recent Equestrian history, if there is a problem, just get Twilight and her friends to fix it. And they will.

The military seems pointless with those six mares running around with their fancy magic. The only time the military actually did something by themselves without the assistance from the Elements of Harmony was that riot you put down. And that wasn’t a big deal.

You chuckle at the idea of Twilight and her friends putting down that riot. They’d probably just show up and fire a giant rainbow at the drunkards, sending them all straight to Tartarus. Simple as that.

Preparing yourself for the day, you approach the door that leads to the fitness center and main area. Only...

You can hear talking coming from the next room over. A lot of talking.

‘Why are they being so loud?’ you wonder. Your Century is never this talkative in the morning. Later in the day, perhaps, but not now.

Normally, some ponies talking would not cause you stop in your tracks to think like this. But this is your Century. Have they ever talked in the morning?

You don’t think so. Especially not this loud. From what you hear, it’s not just a couple voices, but most, if not all, of your soldiers.

‘I really need to stop overthinking things. They’re just talking! Ponies can talk!... Does that thought sound strange to anyone else?... Just get to work.’

Mentally preparing yourself for the day, you place a hand on the door, push it open, and walk through.

You immediately realize that nopony is working out. That’s not surprising, though. What surprises you is that all 80 stallions are standing by the door, directly in front of you, in one giant group.

As you walk through, the conversation suddenly stops. Every eye in the room goes from looking at various soldiers to staring right in your eyes. It startles you that every face in the room is mixed with an expression of surprise and anxiousness.

You begin thinking. ‘Why are they all staring at me like-’

“Lieutenant!”

“Sir, listen!”

“We need to ask you something!”

Everypony in the room begins shouting at you. Because everypony insists on speaking at the same time, you can’t tell what anypony is actually saying, but they all clearly want your attention.

They begin to slowly advance on you, backing you up to the wall. You find yourself temporarily at a loss for words. What could possible be said here? You better come up with something, or they’re going to crush you to death.

‘So this is how it ends?’ you ask yourself. ‘Crushed to death by a bunch of mythical creatures who just want to ask me a question...?’

Knowing them, it’s probably a dumb question. The microwave is probably broken, so they can’t make hotpockets, and now they probably want you to fix the damn thing... again.

You don’t even know how you fixed it the first time. You just hit it. That’s how humans fix technology. And it actually worked.

‘I always imagined one of those really cool deaths you see in video games or movies. Like, I’m bleeding, and with my last breath, I’m like, “Tell my wife” *violent coughing* “I love her... Blech...” and then I’d die. Only problem is that I’m not married.

‘Either one of those, or dying an old man in my bed. It’s kind of disappointing to go out this way. I survived a violent car crash, a fire, interdimensional travel, escaping a hospital, and I’m going to die because these dipshits want to ask me something?’

No.

“Shut up!”

Everypony shuts up right quick and snaps to attention where they stand. They are all still in your personal space, but at least they stopped talking.

“Now,” you begin, “I want somepony to explain why you are all standing around. This isn’t a book club.”

“Is Equestria going to war?” a sole voice asks.

You almost choke on the spit you were attempting to swallow.

“What?!” you cough out in surprise. It only takes a couple seconds before you can speak again. “Who told you that? What did they say exactly? Where are they?”

Your mind floods with questions, so you asked the first things that came to mind.

Talking about war in Equestria is not very common. Equestria is all about keeping the peace at home; hence why your Century, along with the rest of your Legion, is stationed in Canterlot. You’re not supposed to go off and fight, you’re supposed to stay here and protect.

At least, that’s the idea.

You can’t help but take this news seriously. Even though you work with professional soldiers on a daily basis, the topic of war doesn’t usually come up. One might think that it does, but it really doesn’t. Not in Equestria at least.

Mace answers your questions. “Some reporter came in here literally like,” he glances at the clock hanging at the far end of the room, “ten minutes ago, and started asking us a bunch of questions.”

“What were the questions?” you ask, in turn.

Private Garand steps up. “He asked, ‘What is your opinion on the possible upcoming war Equestria faces?’ Then he’s all like, ‘Is the military currently planning an invasion? Or are you staying on the defensive?’... We didn’t know what the hell he was talking about.”

Everypony arounds him nods in agreement, some offering ‘Yep’s and ‘Mm-hmm’s in confirmation.

“What newspaper was he from?” you ask. “Did he say?”

“Yeah,” Mace confirms, “it was the Canterlot Daily.”

‘Shit,’ you think. ‘They wouldn’t come in here just to fuck around.’

The Canterlot Daily is the most well-known newspaper company in Equestria. Everypony loves them, and you do as well. Celestia reads that newspaper everyday so she can keep up with pop culture and such.

So, considering such a respectable company was in your barracks asking questions, they probably heard that Equestria is having diplomatic issues with somebody else. But how did they figure all that out and this is the first time you’re hearing about it?

You’re sleeping with the ruler of the damn country. You should be hearing news like this long before anypony else. Especially your subordinates!

You sigh and rub your face, suddenly feeling exhausted despite the day just beginning.

You take a deep breath. “I’m sorry, guys. I can’t answer your questions right now. I haven’t heard of any war.”

“The reporter kept asking us about it,” Sherman adds, “but we didn’t know what he was talking about, so he just left.”

“Is there any possibility that this is all a joke?” You silently pray that it is.

“Doubt it. He proved to us that he worked for the Canterlot Daily.”

“Yeah,” Mace adds. “He had that I.D. card my wife has, so it seemed legit.”

“He was completely serious the whole time, too. Like, at first we thought it was a joke, but he genuinely wanted to know what we had to say.”

“It was really confusing.”

“I bet,” you add, thinking of what you could possible do right now. You need answers, and you want them now. Your soldiers aren’t much help, so what could you do?

The 80 stallions have resumed their chatting with one another as you think of something to do.

Then the obvious hits you.

“Attention!” you shout out, and they all snap to attention once more. “I’m going to run a quick errand. I’ll be back... sometime, I hope. Just stop thinking about this for a while, go work out... do something besides talking about this.”

The stallions exchange hesitant looks before meandering off into various parts of the building. You exhale, turn around, and head back out the door you just entered three minutes ago.

‘So much for a great day.’

==========

You ascend the front steps of the massive Castle that stands high above Canterlot, and the rest of Equestria, for that matter.

You were literally just here 30 minutes ago. Your morning has been almost completely pointless.

Almost.

The walk back to the Castle took quite some time. It’s rush hour now, so the streets were packed with ponies and their carts and belongings and huge, poofy dresses that occupy the space of 3 ponies.

Lucky for you, Celestia is not in a meeting with anypony. Not with a government official. Not with any regular pony that made an appointment. Nopony.

From what the guards told you, Luna is in a meeting with the mayor, but Celestia is just in the Throne Room.

You silently praise all deities that have ever been thought of by man for your fortune and walk into the Throne Room, nopony looking at you twice.

It has always amazed you that the Royal Guards are always stoic and facing forward at all times, yet they somehow remain constantly vigilant. They are completely aware of their surroundings, it seems, at all times.

Not to mention that they already know who you are, so you rarely have a problem with them.

Anywho, the guards manning the doors open them for you as you pass by.

One thing that you hate about this giant room is that it’s always so damn bright in here. The entire room is basically made out of stained glass, allowing the rays of the sun to easily penetrate inside the Castle. You guess Celestia likes it, though, otherwise it wouldn’t be like this.

The windows are pretty cool as well. Each window portrays a significant event in Equestria’s history. Twilight and her friends are even on a few of these windows.

You see Celestia look up from a stack of papers as the doors close behind you. You can’t see her face clearly since you’re too far away. But you assume that she’s surprised by your sudden return.

The room is empty, so the sound of your footsteps easily echo throughout the open space. After about 10 minutes of walking (or something like that), you reach the middle of the room. At this rate, you’re going to die of thirst before you can talk to your Princess.

You notice Celestia stack the papers floating around her before floating them to her assistant standing at the foot of the Throne. She says something to the assistant that you can’t hear. You guess she was excusing her because the assistant promptly nods and exits out a door behind the Throne.

‘Since when was there a door there?’ you wonder. You’ve certainly never seen it before.

“You’re home early,” she teases. “But it’s a little early for supper, don’t you think?”

That it is.

“May I take a moment of your time, my dear?” you ask, approaching the Throne. “I just need to ask some questions.”

“You have my undivided attention,” she states.

“I’ve been hearing this, uh... rumor, floating around this morning.”

Celestia smiles. “That’s hardly unusual, sweetie. Everypony in Canterlot loves to gossip, whether it be over a rumor or a fact. You should know that.”

“Oh, I do. I do. It’s just, this rumor is a little different from the normal gossip that you hear on a daily basis.”

“Alright, so what is this rumor then?”

You take a quick moment to collect your thoughts. How should you ask what you want to ask? Is there a certain way you could bring the topic up without being too direct?

You can’t really think of one. Deciding not to waste anymore time, you choose just to come out and say it.

“Is Equestria going to war?” you ask, looking to Celestia for an answer.

Celestia’s initial reaction is nothing. She just looks at you, ears raised, blank expression on her face.

“Where did you hear that?” she asks, not denying the rumor.

You feel your anger from earlier quickly return. “So it’s true? Equestria is going to war and I’m the last to know?”

“No, no, I can explain. But first I need you to tell me where you heard that.”

You recount the details of the morning to your Goddess. The long walk, the news reporter coming in, what your soldiers told you, and the general confusion you’ve experienced this morning.

When you finish, Celestia exhales. “Nopony is supposed to know about that.”

That statement did nothing to alleviate any anger you are experiencing. “What? So there is a war?”

“No, it’s just a rumor.”

“Started by... who? What is this all about? And what country is this supposed to involve?”

“This is very serious. Please allow me a moment to explain.”

You nod, waiting for her to continue with the story.

“Do you remember, a few months ago, Cadence, Luna, and I met with some ambassadors? It was that day you stayed home sick.”

You nod. You’ve only had one sick day, so it’s pretty obvious as to what she’s talking about.

She continues. “The ambassadors were from the Northern Destrier Provinces. They had quite a few concerns, which they felt it important enough to tell me about personally.”

From the limited knowledge you have of Equestrian geography, you know that the Northern Destrier Provinces are northeast of Equestria. However, you do not know the current diplomatic relations Equestria has with any country. You’re not a politician, you’re a soldier. All you have to do is when Celestia says ‘fight,’ you go off and fight.

“The ambassadors felt threatened about the number of soldiers Equestria has defending our borders. They looked at it more as a possible invasion force than peacekeeping guards.

“I assure you, I have no hostile intention against anypony. I’m perfectly content with just spending my future in peace. There’s been so much excitement over the last few years with the Elements of Harmony, Nightmare Moon, Discord... the list goes on and on and doesn’t seem to end.

“Which brings me to the next part of the ambassador’s concerns. The delegation from the Provinces were also perturbed by the Elements of Harmony. Over the past few years, many terrible, evil forces have been vanquished through the use of the Elements. From what the delegation told me, King Belmont and Queen Preakness believe that I want to use the Elements for conquest.”

“That’s ridiculous,” you cut in. If the situation wasn’t so serious, you probably would be laughing over yet another terrible pun. King Belmont and Queen Preakness? Of course that’d be their names. God damn.

“Which is what I told them, but they did not believe me. They demanded that I turn over one of the six amulets from the Elements of Harmony.”

“You didn’t, did you?” you ask, a little nervous. You know how important those amulets are to the safety of this country.

“Of course not!” Celestia shouts, quickly becoming livid. “How dare they demand that of me!”

Being in Celestia’s presence when she gets angry is terrifying. Her anger, luckily, is not directed at you, but that hardly makes it any less difficult to be around.

“Excuse me,” Celestia requests, calming herself. “I did not mean to lose my temper. But the way they spoke to me was insulting; as if I was their subordinate. As if it was mandatory for me to meet their demands...

“I refused them, of course. I wouldn’t even think of giving anypony something valuable, let alone the mere location of the Elements.

“I grew tired of their nagging, and found their demands an affront to my rule, so I adjourned the meeting. We were all exhausted from having argued all day, and left for dinner. It may have been rude of us to do so, but by then, I couldn’t care less about what they thought.”

Your anger has essentially left you by this point. You sympathize with what Celestia had to endure, and feel pretty bad for not asking Celestia about her tired state that night.You feel like an abnormally terrible boyfriend for not comforting your marefriend when you had the chance.

“Then why does everypony think there’s going to be a war?” you ask, unable to figure this out entirely.

“I’m not sure,” the alicorn admits. “This sort of thing has happened before. If I had to venture a guess, I would assume a guard or somepony else in the room told somepony of the heated debate going on between nations. Because of the arguments and frustration, they would assume hostilities have arisen between Equestria and the Provinces, and that war would follow.”

‘Well shit,’ you think. ‘That sounds like a great guess to me.’

“Why didn’t you tell me any of this?” you ask. “I know I’m not a politician, nor do I want to be, but this is about the military, which I just so happen to be apart of. If there is a possibility of going to war, don’t you think I should know? Hell, some news reporter knew before I did! And I wasn’t told, I had to ask.”

Celestia slowly descends from her Throne and approaches you. “I know. I’m sorry. I didn’t want to worry you.” Celestia stops in front of you to nuzzle your cheek. “Equestria will not being going to war. That I can assure you. I did not wish to trouble you over nothing.”

She chuckles. “We all know how easy it is to make you worried.”

You smile. She’s right. Getting you worried is not a difficult thing to achieve. At least, it used to be. But hey, if someone popped up in the middle of a world with talking horses and magic and shit, they’d probably be worried over everything too. It’s not like your initial arrival in Equestria was so great. It wasn’t. That’s part of the reason you hate hospitals. And doctors.

You wrap your arms around her neck and nuzzle her cheek in return. “That’s true... I’m sorry, hon. It’s just been a confusing morning. But now that everything’s sorted out, I think I’m good.”

‘The day can only get better from here... I hope.’

“I should get back to work,” you say, pulling away. “Got a lot to do today, and not much time to do it.”

“Alright, sweetheart,” she smiles. “I’ll see you when you get home.”

You share a brief kiss goodbye, turn around, and stroll on back to work. The day has just begun, and you already wish it was over.

==========

You read through a report as Celestia recounts the events of her day. She talks about the ponies she met today and the adventures a Princess gets into an a daily basis. Which isn’t anything too exciting, but you listen anyway.

While listening, you try to read this report. Only problem is, you can’t remember why you’re reading it. Or what it’s even about. You brought it home to go over so you wouldn’t miss dinner. If you did this at your office, you would have missed your evening meal, which you have done quite enough over the past few weeks.

You’ve been reading and filling out documents all day. So many documents have been through your office that you can’t even remember the one individual document in your hands that you’ve been reading for God knows how long.

‘This is the report from Mace, right?’ you think, trying to remember. ‘No, this one’s from... Wallace? Is this Wallace’s report?’

You look at the top of the paper and see the name written clearly on the top.

Captain Sparrow

‘I’ve been reading Sparrow’s report for an hour now, and I can’t remember any of it? What the hell have I been doing?!’

When reading, you often begin to daydream. Unfortunately, however, even though your brain is elsewhere, your eyes continue to scan the page. So you can scan through pages of information, but you won’t retain any of it.

You turn back to the first page of the report, deciding that you need to start over.

Celestia yawns as she finishes a sentence.

“So that was my day,” she finishes. “How was yours? Anything interesting happen after this morning?”

You stretch your back, your legs, and your arms, trying to make yourself more comfortable. As you seem to be every night, you and Celestia are lounging on the purple cushion in front of the fireplace.

Neither of you are wearing anything. There’s no need to be. Clothes are unnecessary when you’re in the privacy of your own bedroom.

Your head is resting on her folded wing, and the rest of you is lying perpendicular to her. You hear and feel your back and feet crack as you stretch.

“Nothing interesting ever happens to me, hon,” you answer. You sit up slightly and place an arm on her back so you can rub her flank. Your other arm holds the report that you’re attempting, and failing, to read.

“I know. Just thought I’d ask anyway.”

Always the joker.

You hear her flip through some pages in whatever book she’s reading. It surprises you that she has time for recreational reading. With all the work she does during the day, and the work she does before sleeping, you never really thought she had time to read.

“What ya reading, hon?” you ask. “Anything interesting?”

Equestrian literature is actually really good. Back in the realm of man, you didn’t read too much. There wasn’t really a reason to. You read occasionally, but not as often as you do now. Probably because there is no television or internet, and you are easily bored.

You’ve read tons of books since arriving here. And the vast majority of them were really good. You wouldn’t doubt that whatever Celestia’s reading is another great story.

She glances back at the cover before answering. “It’s called 50 Shades of Violet. I’ve never heard of it, but Luna said that I should read it. So I am.”

‘Why does that title sound familiar?’ you ask yourself. You know you’ve heard of that name before, but you can’t remember where.

“Let me know if you like it,” you say. “If Luna liked it, it’s probably pretty good. What kind of book is it?”

“Luna said it was some sort of romance book.”

Hmm, you’ll have to read that later.

Your mind wanders once more as you begin rereading the paper in front of you.

You think about Celestia, of course. What else do you think about? You’re too tired to actually act on any of your thoughts, but that doesn’t stop you from at least thinking them.

Even though Celestia is so slender and fit, she’s still so soft! Her wing makes the greatest pillow and blanket that you’ve ever had. And her mane and tail are beautiful. They just float around, like they own the place. And they go so well with her eyes.

“You’re so beautiful, Celestia,” you say, turning to rub a cheek against her folded wing.

“Thank you for pointing out the obvious, dear,” she responds, continuing to read.

You roll your eyes. “Whatever. Just a compliment.” You turn your attention back to the paper in your hand.

You feel her lips press against your cheek. “I was only joking, sweetie.” She presses her snout against where she kissed, her warm breath running over your neck. “I love when you flatter me, as you do. It’s one thing when my subjects do it, but it’s a lot nicer when my coltfriend does it.”

You like it when Celestia calls you her “coltfriend.” You’ve told her multiple times before that you would be her “boyfriend,” due to the fact that you’re not an equine. But “coltfriend” is such a common expression that you guess it’s hard to replace it.

Not that you mind her calling you her coltfriend. You love it. It’s a term of endearment. And it’s adorable when she does.

“Where did that compliment come from?” she asks. “I doubt that’s written anywhere on your military report.”

“It’s not,” you respond. “I was just thinking.”

“Thinking about what? My flanks?”

You now remember that you’ve been massaging her flanks for God knows how long. “Uh...” you try thinking of a lie, but can’t. “Yep. I was thinking of your flanks.” Honesty is the best policy.

She laughs. “Well, enjoy them while you can. My Fashion Director informed me that my Royal Hindquarters are beginning to get a tad too large.” She pauses to think. “Probably because of all that cake.”

You sit up. “Wait. What?”

She turns her head back to face you. “I was told I need to go on a diet.”

“Who the hell told you that?” you ask, getting angry.

‘Who the hell in their right mind would insult my marefriend?’ you wonder. You can’t believe somepony would say something like that to their Princess and your marefriend. You should probably go downstairs and get a can opener, cause you’re about to open up a can of whoopass.

“Calm down,” she giggles, amused by how seriously you’re taking this situation. But how could you not take this news seriously? Somepony insulted your marefriend! And it is your duty as her mate to defend her honor, by taking the life of whoever dared to insult her in such a scandalous fashion.

You should probably challenge whoever it was to a duel. You remember Twilight had a magic duel a while back with some other unicorn. So clearly, duels exist. But you can’t do magic. You assume Twilight won that duel, considering the fact that she’s alive. You should probably head to the barracks right quick to get your sword, and hope that your opponent can’t use magic.

“It’s his job to tell me such things,” Celestia says, breaking you from your thoughts. “He’s a personal attendant of mine. Mizrahi? Remember him? A Princess must always look her best, no matter the circumstances.”

“Can’t say I do,” you say, mentally scrolling through the list of the countless ponies you have met while living in this city. “The name sounds familiar, though. Where have I seen him?”

“He attends every gala and ball I throw. You’ve met him. White fur. Short, black mane and tail. Brown eyes. Uhm... He usually wears a black suit and pink tie. At least, that’s what he wears to work.”

“Where does he work?”

“Here. In the Castle. He’s a very well known designer, but he works for me, so he designs here.”

Oh! That’s right. You remember him. You don’t see him very often, but you remember meeting him at Celestia’s parties. You’re not entirely sure, but you’re fairly certain he’s homosexual.

“So,” you begin, “you hired a gay stallion to tell you your butt’s big?”

She laughs. “That’s one way to put it. It’s better him than any other stallion. I’m paying him to watch my figure, not to stare.”

The government is crazy.

“Makes sense,” you say, resting your head back on her wing and attempting to read once more.

You both turn your attention back to whatever it is you’re reading. You let a few minutes pass by in silence. You try to read this damn report, but you’re getting too tired to concentrate for more than a few lines at a time.

You’re ready for bed. It’s too late for this bullshit. You glance at your clock.

‘10:20?’ you observe. ‘It’s not late at all! Why am I so damn tired?’

You yawn.

It doesn’t help any that what you’re reading is the worst thing you have ever read. You don’t know why you have to read a report anyway. It’s not like the military actually does anything.

You hear a book slam shut, and turn your attention towards your Princess. You can’t see her face, but she’s shaking her head.

“Nope,” Celestia says, throwing the book directly into the fireplace. “No. Just, no.”

That surprised you. Was the book bad? Why did she throw it into the fire?

“Why’d you do that, hon?” you ask. “I was going to read it. And you didn’t even finish it.”

“Oh no,” she responds, shaking her head. “I don’t want to give you any ideas.”

“Ideas about what?”

She points a hoof towards the fire. “That book was...” she hesitates. “It was about... nevermind. I think it’s time to get some sleep. You’re welcome to join me.”

Whatever. “Sounds good to me.”

You rise from Celestia’s side and flop into bed, paper in hand. Your Goddess blows out some candles around the purple cushion before climbing in on her side.

She wordlessly shuffles and presses herself against your side. She places a foreleg across your chest, and rests her head on your shoulder, being careful as to not kill you with her magical dagger. The room is only illuminated by the dying fire, and the one candle on your nightstand.

You wrap an arm around her and pull her closer to you. You continue to make a half-assed attempt at reading this report, but you know it’s just not going to happen.

A few minutes go by with you just rereading the first sentence. By now, the dying fire at the other side of the room has officially died, and the wax from the candle has melted down to a stub.

‘Guess I’ll turn in, too,’ you think, yawning.

You turn your head to the side to blow out the candle. Only problem is, Celestia is sleeping on your shoulder. At least, you think she is. So if you move, she’ll wake up. And you don’t want her to wake up.

Without moving, you inhale deeply, and with all the strength you can muster, you blow.

The light doesn’t even flicker.

‘Shit.’

Not one to be outdone by some damn candle, you try again, and meet a similar result. Why does life have to be so hard sometimes? You try again. And again. And once more.

‘God damn! Why must you be so cruel to me?! Why must you insist on making my life so difficult?! Why-’

Your pessimistic thoughts are interrupted by a bright light flashing next to you, then total darkness. The candle extinguished.

“You’re so lazy,” Celestia yawns, wrapping her foreleg tighter around you.

You lean down slightly to kiss her forehead. “I work really hard to be as lazy as I am.”

You want to say something witty, but you’re too tired to think of anything more than what you said.

Your Princess rubs her cheek against your chest. “I love you,” she whispers.

“Love you too,” you respond, closing your eyes and drifting off to sleep.

==========

You awaken to the constant sound of banging on your door. Celestia is facing away from you, still asleep, and you’re pressed up against her back, an arm around her.

You turn over to check the time.

‘1:45? Really? Fuck off!’

They don’t, and the noise continues. Celestia stirs and groggily opens her eyes.

“What?” she asks.

“Don’t worry, hon,” you say, getting up. “I’ll get it.”

You hope it’s not another riot. You already did that once, and wouldn’t mind if you never had to do it again. You put on your robe so you’re not naked this time to stumble over to the door.

Upon opening the door, you immediately recognize the Royal Courier standing there. He snaps to attention when he notices you.

“Sir! Permission to enter, sir!” he shouts.

Wincing slightly from the shouting, you respond. “Uh, granted, I guess.” You’re too tired and confused to formulate a more proper response, so that’ll have to do. You want to ask him why he’s here in the first place, but he’s probably not here to talk to you.

He charges into the room at the speed of sound. You turn and notice Celestia standing in the center of the room, fully dressed in her royal attire. It doesn’t really surprise you that she somehow dressed herself and looks fully awake and alert as she always does. Magic explains everything, and she has been doing this for thousands of years.

He stops and bows in front of Celestia and levitates a scroll out of his saddlebags. “Urgent news from the north, Princess!” he says.

Celestia takes the scroll, unrolls it, and starts to read. Whatever is happening will probably last more than a few minutes, so you decide to get dressed. You walk over to your dresser, and put on whatever the hell it is you wear at the middle of the night when shit’s happening.

Completing your simple task, you turn back to Celestia. Her ears are folded back, and an uncharacteristic frown is etched upon her face. She levitates a blank scroll and quill from a desk on the other side of the room before rapidly scribbling a something down. When she finishes, she gives the paper to the courier.

She begins giving orders. “Wake every courier and messenger you can find, locate every single pony on this list, and bring them to the Throne Room, under direct order of Princess Celestia, herself.”

“Yes, your Highness,” he bows before quickly exiting the room.

Celestia turns to face you. “Something terrible has happened.”

“What?” you ask, walking towards her. “What’s going on?”

“Military forces from Northern Destrier Provinces have forcefully entered Equestria.”

‘Holy shit,’ you think, shocked. How are you supposed to be taking this news? You don’t know. Is this a dream? Are you dreaming again? Oh God please be a dream.

“I need you to wake Shining and Cadence and meet me in the Throne Room as soon as possible.”

You shake your head in an attempt to clear it from your thoughts. “Got it,” you say, before turning around and beginning to walk.

“Wait!” Celestia calls to you from behind.

You turn around as Celestia rushes to you. Before you can ask her anything, she wraps her wings around you and squeezes.

“I love you,” she says. “Whatever happens, remember that I’ll always love you.”

You wrap your arms around her neck. “I love you too, sweetie. Don’t worry, it’s going to be alright.”

She nods. You pull back, share a quick kiss, and leave your bedroom as fast as you can.

==========

A disturbed Shining and Cadence follow you as you rush down hallway after hallway. You didn’t know if you should tell them why you were waking them up, but you figured you should. And you did.

They thought it was some terrible prank you were pulling, but it’s not. You wish it was, though.

Nopony speaks as you continue towards the Throne Room. The situation is too serious for friendly conversation.

Luckily, the run is short, and you arrive in the Throne Room a lot quicker than you originally thought. The doors to the room are wide open, so you all just walk right in. You stop dead in your tracks, though, as you look around.

There are ponies everywhere. The giant room is absolutely packed with stallions and mares of all shapes and sizes. One factor they all share is that they all look very threatening. Like the kind of ponies you wouldn’t want to get on the bad side of.

Shining and Cadence walk right past you and towards the far end of the room. Celestia told you to meet her here, so you best go and find her.

You wade through the countless number of chatting ponies. You’re taller than anypony else, so you easily spot Celestia and Luna sitting on the throne with three other ponies.

You immediately recognize one as General Maximus. He is directly in charge of the First Legion, which you are apart of, among others. He’s the top ranking official in the Equestrian military. He even looks and sounds like a ponified version of Russell Crowe.

Because General Maximus is directly in charge of your legion, you assume that you’ll be doing whatever it is he does, and following him wherever he goes. You have no idea where that is, but it’s not your job to know.

As you continue walking, you also notice General Alexander. Well, you recognize his purple armor. He has the ability to wear essentially whatever he wants; he’s a Major General, nopony is going to tell him what to wear. He’s easily spotted in a crowd.

The last of the three stallions talking with your marefriend is General Longstreet. You’ve met Longstreet on multiple occasions. The only thing that separates him from the average pony is his impeccable facial hair.

All three generals are talking animatedly and pointing at various points on the map while the Princesses either nod or shake their head and point somewhere else.

You and Shining reach the throne, stop, and salute your higher ranking officials. Cadence just keeps walking and joins the other Princesses on the throne.

“Good, you’re here,” Celestia says, noticing you have arrived. She turns to Shining. “Captain, we are in a state of emergency. We are in Code Yellow until further notice.”

You don’t know what that means, but Shining sure as hell does. “Yes, Princess,” he bows, before exiting back out of the room.

General Maximus pops up next to you. You didn’t even see him come over. “Ready to go, Lieutenant?” he asks.

“Absolutely, sir,” you respond. You turn to leave, but before you get anywhere, you hear a sweet voice calling your name.

You turn your attention back towards your Princess. “May I have a word in private?” she asks.

You turn to Maximus to stand at attention. “Permission to be excused, sir?”

He does that half-smile he always does when amused. “Granted. Oh, I sent a stallion to wake your Century at the barracks and retrieve them from their homes. So when you’re done here, go suit up, pack whatever you need, and form up at the Castle gates. Understood?”

“Yes, sir!” You turn and walk out that back door you’ve never used with Celestia leading you into an adjacent room. Maximus takes the long way out of the room while Luna and Cadence continue talking to Alexander and Longstreet. You’re not entirely sure what you’ll be doing now, with General Maximus and the Legion and such, but you guess you’ll find out soon enough.

You enter a guest bedroom and Celestia closes the door behind you. It’s a really nice room. It’s clean; spotless really. It’s like nopony has ever slept in here. There are a lot of rooms you’ve never been in before, this one included. There are hundreds of rooms in the Castle, and you probably haven’t even been in a quarter of them. The Castle is so big, you probably never will be able to get into all of them.

“You can’t go,” Celestia says, breaking you away from your thoughts.

‘What?’ you think, looking at her as she moves to the far end of the room.

“I won’t allow myself to be responsible for something that may happen to you. So I’m not allowing you to go.”

“I know you’re concerned, sweetie,” you begin, “but I’ll be fine. I’m a man. I’m a Lieutenant in the Equestrian Legion. I’ll be fine.”

“But what if something bad happens to you? Then what? It will be all my fault for letting you go.”

“It’s war. Bad things can happen. But I’m a professional soldier, am I not? This is my job. I’ve been trained to this. I’ll be fine.”

“But I don’t think so,” she says, sounding a little more frustrated. “I want you to stay.”

“I can’t stay. You know that. After everything Equestria has done for me, how could I possibly sit on the sidelines when this country has given me everything? I love this country, and I’ll do anything to preserve it.”

You continue. “When I was found, I wasn’t put on display or experimented on. No. I was taken care of and provided for. If a magical talking pegasus popped up where I come from, I don’t know what would happen. I finally found a way to repay everypony, and this is how.”

“I understand. But you’d be doing a greater service to Equestria by staying here,” she reasons. “I want you here. I need you here.”

You sigh. “I’m not staying. I made up my mind when I joined the Legion. You were the one that allowed me to join in the first place.”

“I never would have let you join if I knew that all of this was going to happen. I’ve lost so many friends and soldiers because of war. I’m not going to lose you.”

“You’re not going to lose me, Celestia. I’ve been preparing for this day ever since I signed up. I’m going.”

Celestia has been getting more frustrated and angry as you continue to refute her demands. She clearly wants you to stay, and you do as well, but you just can’t. This is too important for you to pass up.

You don’t doubt that you’ll be a service to Equestria by staying with her. You’re sure you will. But you want to show everypony how grateful you truly are. If that means going off and doing your job then so be it.

“So you’re going to kill yourself in order to say ‘Thank You?’” she asks.

“No,” you respond as calmly as you can. “I’m going to fight in order to say ‘Thank You.’”

“Why won’t listen to me? Why are you trying to leave?” She lowers her head. “Don’t you love me?”

“What?!” That certainly surprised you. “Of course I love you! How could you even ask that?”

“I know I’m not used to being in a relationship, but now that I’m finally in one, I have no urge for it to end.”

“Nor do I! But that doesn’t change my mind, hon.”

She shakes her head. “You’re staying.”

“No, Celestia. I’m not. I can’t.”

She squeezes her eyes shut, and shakes her head. “Yes you can and you are!” She glares at you. “That is an order!”

It’s not like you to disobey orders, but you are adamant in your decision to fight. “I’m not some puppet that you can control! You can’t stop me from doing this, Celestia. I’m going and that’s final.”

“Why? Why won’t you just listen to me?”

“You’re... You’re...” you look at the ground, try to find the right word.

“Hmm?” she asks, impatiently. “I’m what? Go on, say it!”

“You’re being unreasonable.”

“Right! I’m being unreasonable for wanting to protect you!”

“I don’t need to be protected! I’m not a child. I’m not some object that you can control a-and manipulate however you want. I’m going, and I’m going to be fine. And that’s final!”

Celestia looks really pissed, but does not say anything. She just takes a few moments to glare at you, and you look back. You don’t know what facial expression you’re making right now, but you hope, whatever it is, it conveys finality.

She closes her eyes, turns away from you, and looks down. “Very well then,” she begins, sounding calmer but still angry. “You are dismissed, Lieutenant.”

You stand at attention upon being addressed by your rank. It’s just a natural reflex, but it’s surprising that Celestia was the one who said it.

She has never called you ‘Lieutenant.’ Ever. She didn’t even call you Lieutenant when you officially joined the Legion. She never calls anypony by their military rank unless she wishes to convey her superiority. That she is their boss.

‘Did we just break up?’ you think while standing there. ‘She never calls me that.’

Remembering what she ordered, you decide to leave. When your superior says get out, you should probably get out. But she’s never treated you like a subordinate before. At least, not until now.

You bow deeply. When you stand back up, her entire back is facing you. She can’t even look at you.

You can almost feel your heart break at the sight. So this is how it all ends? After everything you’ve been through, it ends here, in this room, over some stupid disagreement?!

You make an about-face and exit the room. You walk out and close the door behind you. You turn around once more to see Luna standing there, looking at you.

You snap to attention once more and bow. “Princess Luna,” you say, politely acknowledging the fact that she’s there.

‘How much did she here?’

She probably heard enough.

Deciding now is the appropriate time to leave, you stand erect again, turn right, and walk down one of the many long hallways the Castle has to offer, hoping Luna doesn’t wish to speak with you.

‘How could she say those things to me? She, of all ponies, should be able to understand what I’m doing. And then she breaks up with me?... Well, she didn’t exactly say it, but I know she meant it.

‘How could she do that? After all we’ve been through, all we’ve done, she just ends it in the middle of the night?! Agh! Shit! This is so stupid!’

Your anger quickly turns into depression now that you’re alone.

You guess it’s over. You don’t want it to be, but it seems to be over now. And it’s not like you can do anything about it. The last and only thing you’ve had left just tore herself away from you. And for what?

You’re alone again.

You bring a hand up to wipe your eyes. You take a deep breath. You are a warrior, and warriors do not cry. Worse things have happened than this. You take another deep breath.

==========

You’re fully suited up now. You’ve got your helmet, armor, sword, shield, and everything else a soldier has to his name. Which is basically nothing. The only possessions you have now are either small things you are authorized to bring or government issued property. So most of this shit isn’t even yours.

One of those small essentials you are allowed to have with you is a small picture of your favorite pony.

As you stand in front of the Castle gates with the rest of your Century in formation, you pull out your old wallet and extract said picture. You’re all waiting for the rest of the Legion to show up before moving out. Most of the other Cohorts have arrived, except for one, so that’s who you’re waiting for.

You look down at the picture in your hand. It’s a good picture. You would know, you took it.

In the photo, Celestia is resting peacefully in your bed. The blanket is barely covering her hind legs, rump, and cutie mark. Her forelegs are tucked in, her ears are folded back, and she has a soft smile on her face. She looks so peaceful.

But she was not peaceful after you took the picture. When the flash went off, she shot straight up and almost killed you because of her natural reflexes. Luckily though, she did not manage to kill you.

But that didn’t stop her from trying. She was so mad you woke her up, she chased after you. She eventually caught you, and she “punished” you for waking her up.

You smile pleasantly at the memory.

That’s all it is now, though. A memory.

The picture’s not erotic in the slightest. You’re guessing most of the stallions around you probably have pictures like that, either of significant others, random mares in magazines, or some random sluts.

You don’t know why pornography is a big deal in Equestria. Ponies are naked all the damn time.

Whatever.

But this picture is special. It’s the only picture you’ve ever taken in your time in Equestria. Random ponies would not be able to find a picture like this in a magazine or newspaper. They would not be able to purchase it, either. As far as you know, you are holding the only picture ever taken of Celestia in her private chambers.

“What’cha looking at, sir?” Mace asks from next to you.

You quickly slide the photo back into your wallet and your wallet back into your pocket. “It’s nothing.”

“If you say so.”

You hear the unmistakable sound of dozens of hooves marching across a cobblestone road.

General Maximus walks past you. “Last Cohort has arrived, Lieutenant. Prepare to move out.”

“Yes sir,” you respond. “Century, prepare to move out!” As you shout, everypony hurries into formation.

You expect the General of the army would be elevated above everypony else somehow. But Maximus is not. It’s not there is any horse for him to ride.

You’re the leader of the First Century, First Cohort, First Legion. And as your name implies, you will be marching in the front of the army. The only soldiers stationed in Canterlot is the First Legion, and now you’ll be leaving. And you don’t when you’ll be coming back.

You turn your head one final time towards the giant Castle that stands over the city.

You still love Celestia. You always will, not matter what has happened or what will happen. You squeeze your pocket, just making sure that you still have your wallet and your picture; which you do.

“Soldiers! Forward, MARCH!” the stallion next to General Maximus shouts, prompting everypony to begin forward, and out of the capital city.

Well, in the past couple hours, you’ve had your heart crushed and thrown away. You’re alone again. Alone. And now you’re off to war.

You could witness everypony around you get slaughtered. You could be captured and suffer endless interrogation and torture. You could be maimed. You could lose your limbs. You could die a slow, agonizing death at the hands of creatures that, a couple years ago, you swore didn’t exist. Anything can happen to you now.

But one thought sticks in your mind....

It could always be worse.

Chapter 8: Surroundings

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Twilight finishes writing down your latest response from her endless examination of you and your kind.

“OK,” she begins, preparing herself for another question. “Which leads me to my next question, what are those for?”

She gestures towards your pile of clothes that are currently laying on a chair at the far end of the room. They used to be your clothes, and they used to look like them too, but they’re all burnt and ripped up for some reason. Your car accident must have sucked. Good thing you weren’t awake for it.

“My clothes?” you ask.

“Oh, those are clothes?”

“Well, yeah. At least, they used to be.”

She writes something down on her notepad.

“And what is this?” she asks, levitating a small, black box towards you.

“My phone!” you yell, looking at the broken, smashed box. “Well shit. Can’t call my parents now.”

“What does this do, exactly?” She looks closely at your old phone.

“It’s a phone. It allowed me to talk to people and write messages to them.”

“Why don’t you just talk to people when you see them? Or write letters?”

“I don’t know. Everyone has one.”

“Why?”

“I have no idea.”

Twilight is sitting on a chair next to your bed. Which is strange. You were unaware that four-legged creatures sat on chairs like humans. Or on chairs at all.

Oh well. You have almost decided to give up on trying to make sense of everything that is happening. There is a purple, magic-wielding unicorn next to your bed, who is having a very decent conversation with you, and you’re wondering why it is sitting a certain way.

You sigh. You’re not going to give up on logic just yet.

“Do all humans wear clothes?” she asks. “Or is it just you?”

“No, no, all humans wear clothes,” you respond, getting thirsty. “We wear them all the time.”

She continues to write on her notepad, before finally finishing the last page. She then sets that notepad on the floor along with a dozen or so others that are full of information about you and your species, and pulls out a new, blank notepad.

“Forgive me for asking, but why?”

You quirk an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

“Well, ponies only wear clothes for social events or on special occasions, like going out to dinner at a nice restaurant.”

“Uh, humans wear them for a whole bunch of reasons, now that I think about it. Common decency, I suppose is a big one. Most people don’t want to see random naked people walking around everywhere.

“Another would be for warmth. Humans don’t have a lot of hair. Unless they’re Italian. So clothes keep us from freezing to death.”

She continues to scribble on the notepad.

“Hey, Twi?” you ask.

She looks up.

“Can I call you, ‘Twi’? Or does that bother you?”

She smiles. “Of course! A lot of my friends call me ‘Twi’, so feel free to do so.”

You smiles in return. It’s good to have friends, regardless of race or species or whether or not they should actually exist.

Twilight has been talking to you for hours, and over that course of time, you have inevitably grown thirsty. You glance at the glass of water that currently rests on your nightstand.

“Great. And, uh, Twi?” She looks up. “Can I have a drink of water, please? It’s getting a little warm in here... And I would do it myself, but...”

You pull up with your arms, only for them to be almost immediately stopped by the handcuffs - hoofcuffs? - on either of wrist. In addition to the handcuffs attached to both of your wrists and the bed, there are two straps that stretch across the bed. One of these straps runs across your midsection, and the other goes just above your knees.

Every movement you make in an attempt to vacate your uncomfortable bed is in vain, as the restraints keep you firmly in place.

You know why they strapped you to the bed. Everypony in town knows.

You had what could be described as a “very minor panic attack” earlier this same morning. Not that it was necessarily your fault. Not only are you in a land that is nothing like the world you came from, but the hospital staff did not know what drugs to give you. They assumed that drugs for ponies would be fine to use on you, considering they have no idea what you are, but they were wrong.

Or so you heard.

The combination of not being on Earth and these drugs caused you to flip a shit and try to escape the hospital.

Luckily, none of the ponies wanted you to die, so they tied you to the bed. Which would not be a problem if the bed was actually comfortable, or you could access food by yourself, or if it wasn’t so warm in here!

“No problem!” Twilight levitates the glass of water in front of your face. You maneuver your mouth forward a few short inches until finding the bendy straw.

“Do you need me to turn down the heat?” Twilight asks as you continue to drink the cool water.

“No, I think I’m fine,” you say, which is not entirely a lie. “These restraints just make me really uncomfortable, and when I get uncomfortable, it gets warmer.”

“I really wish I could help you, but you know I can’t.” She places your water back on the table. “Those straps are for your own good, and for the rest of the hospital staff too. You shouldn’t have tried to-”

“I know, I know,” you interrupt her. Twilight spent the early hours of her visit lecturing you on why it was wrong to attempt to escape, as if you didn’t already know, so hearing all of it again would only be frustrating.

“If you already know everything then why did you try to wheel yourself outside of the hospital, while delirious and bleeding, at 5:30 in the morning?”

You grumble. No coherent words actually escape your lips because you don’t know what to say, but you just hope Twilight knows you’re upset.

“I know you’re upset, so can we just return to the interview?”

You grumble again. It seems the frustration of the day has suddenly come upon you all at one time. You failed to escape the hospital. They gave you some bad drugs. They tied you down to an uncomfortably small bed. You can’t eat or drink by yourself. Twilight has been here ever since you woke up, which was almost 7 hours ago. 7 hours! And it’s so damn warm in here!

“I don’t wanna,” you say in a childlike fashion. If possible, you would turn over, but you can’t. You just can’t. You close your eyes, ready to sleep.

“Aww, does my little human need a nap?” she asks using baby-talk. “Does he want his bottle?”

You want to smile, but if you do, you lose.

“Do you need a diaper change?”

You actually are wearing a diaper right now, so you don’t know if she’s being serious or not. Rather than having to escort you to the restroom, the nurses found it easier just to give you a diaper.

“Tell you what,” Twilight begins, “answer just twenty more questions, and that will be it for the day... How does that sound?”

Twenty questions doesn’t sound bad at all. You’ve probably answered at least 80,000 (estimated) questions thus far today, so twenty is relatively nothing.

“OK,” you agree, opening your eyes and turning to look at Twilight.

‘Let just get this over with so I can be left alone.’

“Wonderful!” She clops her hooves together in excitement. She scans her notepad before looking back at you. “Alright. Do humans have wings?”

“No,” you answer simply.

“Then how do humans control the weather?”

“We don’t.”

“Hmm... alright, who raises and lowers the sun and the moon?”

‘What the hell did she just ask?’

“No one? It just happens.”

“Huh. Strange.” She writes something down.

‘How the hell is that strange?!’

“What does your diet mainly consist of?”

“Uh, let’s see. Dairy products. Grains. Meats. Lots of meats, actually. Fruits. Vegetables. Humans eat a whole bunch of things. As long as it is a noun, it has probably been consumed or attempted to have been consumed by a human.”

She quirks an eyebrow at you, even though she does not have any eyebrows.

“OK, then. How many humans are there where you come from?”

“In my country? Or in the entire world?”

“The world.”

“Somewhere around 7 billion.”

“What do you mean by ‘somewhere around’?”

“What I mean is that there are a very large amount of humans where I come from and I have not personally met or counted them.”

“What kind of magic is there where you come from?”

“There isn’t.”

“Interesting...” she continues to write in her notepad. “I think that’s enough questions for today. I got a ton of information for the Princess’ report. I’ll get everything together and have Spike send it to her later tonight.”

“Who’s Spike?” you ask, never having heard this name before.

“My assistant! He’s a baby dragon. You see, twelve years ago-”

“Wait.” You hate to interrupt, but this is important. “Did you say ‘dragon’?”

“Yes. Are there dragons where you come from? Or do you not know what they are?” She levitates the pad of paper in front of her again, eagerly awaiting your response.

“Uh, yeah. Yeah. I know what dragons are.”

It’s not a lie. You do know what dragons are. You’ve seen Dragon Tales. You’ve played Skyrim.

You’ve encountered and killed countless dragons in that game... Damn. Now you want to play Skyrim.

This world having dragons does not surprise you in the slightest. You haven’t seen anything you would classify as ‘normal’ since you got here, so why not shouldn’t this world have dragons?

What does surprise you, though, as that Twilight just said Spike, a dragon, was her assistant. Her assistant!

Not a bodyguard. An assistant. Someone who sends letters for Twilight. Letters!

Twilight smiles from next to you.

You are beginning to get afraid of that purple pony. You had a nice day together so far, but then you hear she has a dragon as an assistant.

Hell, dragons were scary enough when you were just playing video games. But she actually has one!

‘How the hell does this adorable 4 foot tall pony have a 30-or-so foot dragon as an assistant?!’

“Well, uh,” you nervously clear your throat, “dragons are just mythological creatures where I’m from. Just like unicorns and pegasi. So I know what they are, but they don’t actually exist.”

Twilight’s smile gets even bigger. “I assure you, Spike is real, and so are dragons.”

Good. That’s what you wanted to hear. You make a mental note to never piss Twilight or her friends off ever, lest you get eaten and slowly digested by a fire-breathing monster.

You laugh nervously. “Cool. That’s great. Awesome.”

“Are you OK?” she asks. “You look a little warm.”

“Oh, no, no, I’m fine. Really. It’s just been a long day. And humans overheat if they don’t get sleep, you know?”

“Oh, really?”

‘No.’

“Yep. That definitely happens.”

“Hmm... Well I wouldn’t want you to overheat, so I’ll let you get your rest.”

Just as Twilight begins to get out of her chair, the door to your room slams open, and in walks...

‘What is that?’

“Twilight! Twilight!” the small, scaled creature calls in a young, male voice. “Princess Celestia just sent me a letter!”

He hands the scroll over to Twilight who grips it in a purple aura. She unrolls the scroll and begins to read.

You look at the small purple creature and he looks back at you with a curious expression.

“Uh, hey,” he greets tentatively, waving a hand/ claw at you.

“Hey,” you respond equally as cautiously.

“You the human?”

“I think so.”

“Cool.”

There is a moment of silence.

You decide to introduce yourself and extend a hand for a proper greeting.

“Haven’t heard a name like that before,” he observes. “Nice to meet you. I’m Spike, Twilight’s number one assistant!” He says the last part proudly, like it’s something to brag about.

Wait... Spike?

“You’re Spike?” you ask.

“Uh huh.”

“The dragon?”

“Yep.”

“But you’re... tiny.”

“I’m a baby.”

‘Baby dragons can talk?’ you ask yourself.

Before you can ask Spike any questions about dragons, you hear a sharp intake of air coming from Ms. Twilight Sparkle.

“What is it, Twilight?” you and Spike manage to ask at the exact same time.

“Spike, when did you get this letter?” Twilight asks, sounding terrified.

“Uh...” the little dragon thinks and rubs his claws together nervously. “I don’t know, exactly. I fell asleep on the couch, but when I woke up, this was laying on my stomach,” he points at the scroll.

“Oh no.” Twilight begins sweating and walking around the small hospital room. “Oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no...”

“What is it Twilight?” you ask.

She turns sharply to look at you. “Princess Celestia sent me a letter.”

“Is that bad?”

“I sent her a letter last night and now she wants to meet you.”

You quirk an eyebrow. “Is that bad?” You haven’t heard anything bad about the Princess, so you’re surprised to see Twilight looking so nervous.

“Yes!” she shouts. “We’re not prepared! Oh no. We need to get everypony in Ponyville out in the streets ready to greet her. We need decorations. We need the marching band to play when she gets here. We-”

The sound of a large object connecting and sliding across the ground pulls Twilight out of her panic attack.

“Oh no!” she shouts, running to the window. “We’re not ready! She’s going to be so disappointed in me!”

She pokes her head out the window.

“Oh no!” she rushes towards the door of your room.

“What?” you ask, very confused. And a little amused.

“Her carriage just arrived!”

==========

Well... you’re here... you’ve been here for quite some time...

The battlefield... The place of battle...

Battling occurs here.

You take a deep breath and observe the terrain around you as you have many times before. You, along with the rest of the army under General Maximus arrived at this very spot a week ago, and were given orders to make camp. And wait.

The terrain around you is nothing all to special considering where you are.

Directly behind the Legion’s camp, about a mile or two away, is a mountain. A very large, treacherous mountain.

Perhaps some background on the current situation would help one to understand why it is exactly General Maximus thought this specific spot was a good idea to make camp.

After leaving Canterlot over 3 weeks ago, the Legion began to march north. Where exactly, you did not know, and neither did anypony else. Except Maximus. He knew where to go. He always does.

You made the long march down the mountain that holds Canterlot, which was much more dangerous than one may think. There is a reason nopony ever hears about anypony walking up or down the mountain. It’s just a dumb idea.

In fact, on the way down, you heard the first casualty was taken.

A stallion by the name of Khanda got his leg caught in a hole. Now, this act alone, should not break one’s leg, and in Khanda’s case, this would also be the case. However, Khanda, carrying the 40+ pounds of standard issue gear that everypony has to carry, fell to his side after getting his leg caught. From what you heard, he could not stop himself, and fell until his leg snapped.

Khanda suffered a nasty compound fracture, and could no longer walk. So, lucky for him, he got to turn around and be escorted to a hospital.

Khanda wasn’t part of your Century, so you still have all 80 of your soldiers ready for the fight. And you hope to keep it that way.

You think you heard rumors of another two or three soldiers injuring themselves on the way down the mountain, but you have yet to officially confirm them. And you won’t go around asking ponies who got injured, mainly because you do not care. It may sound harsh, but you don’t really care for anypony else outside of your Century. Their safety is your number one concern.

You are responsible for all of their lives.

You.

Luckily, nopony has died yet. It’s good to know that the mountain was unable actually kill any of Equestria’s brave soldiers.

Anyway, you reach the bottom of the mountain and begin your journey north.

The air at the bottom of the mountain was much warmer than it was in the city of Canterlot. And your ears popped. Looking up at the mountain that holds Equestria’s capital city, you see just how big it really is. And it’s really big.

The army then proceeded north. All on foot. Or on hoof. Or by wing, even. But not by train.

You haven’t seen very many pegasi soldiers, but you know all about them. Pegasi are referred to as “cavalry” in Equestria. It may not make too much sense, considering the entire Legion is composed of horses, but pegasi are called “cavalry”, and ground troops like you are called “infantry.”

Simple enough.

Pegasi, though, have the toughest job in your opinion.

They act as cavalry, hence the name. This means they are the eyes and ears of the army. If shit’s happening 5 miles in any direction of the rest of the main force of the army, pegasi need to observe it and alert the rest of the army before you get taken off guard.

This involves flying almost all day, every day. Now, you cannot fly, unfortunately, but you imagine that doing so can be very taxing on the body. If it was an easy thing to do, you doubt any pegasus that isn’t afraid of heights would just spend their entire life flying in the sky. And the Wonderbolts probably wouldn’t be so damn popular. But they are.

You’re a fan of the Wonderbolts. Not their number one fan, as Rainbow Dash claims to be, but a fan nonetheless.

You actually know the Wonderbolts on a personal level, which is more than most can say. They are always invited to every party Celestia throws, and they always show up. They never miss a party. Though they usually don’t go to the parties to party; they go to sign autographs and take pictures with fans and such. They’re nice ponies outside of a military base.

It is important to understand what the Wonderbolts are before going any further.

The Wonderbolts are Equestria’s most famous stunt group. But that’s not all. In addition to performing, they act as full time soldiers.

They’re basically Navy SEALS who, when they aren’t killing or training to kill, put on acrobatic performances for the masses.

The Wonderbolts have never been needed to actually go and kill until now.

The reason they train so much, besides for their performances, is so that if Equestria ever has an emergency, they can be called upon to help.

As they are now.

Some of the Wonderbolts are actually accompanying the Legion as you march north.

Both Captains are, for whatever reason. Why Spitfire and Soarin’ are coming with one of three armies is beyond you. You would have figured that one would go with your Legion, another would go with another Legion, and some other leader figure would go with the third.

But you’re wrong. They’re both here.

Not that you mind. They are amazing fighters, and incredibly fit. You value having them accompany you.

Two more Wonderbolts are accompanying your Legion: Blaze and Misty Fly.

There are a total of 15 Wonderbolts, you think, and 4 of whom are with you. It may not seem like a lot, but what they lack in numbers they easily make up for in skill.

Back to why being a pegasus can really suck.

From what you learned at Officer Candidate School, pegasi don’t fight on the ground. Now, that may not be surprising, but how violent the fighting is might be.

From what you learned, pegasi fight overtop of the battlefield. So while the infantry is fighting on the ground, the cavalry fight hundreds, or even thousands of feet above your head.

Pegasi are the weakest of the three common pony species, so carrying heavy weaponry up to those great heights can be dangerous and pointless. A pegasi could get exhausted before they even get to the fight.

Often times, pegasi don’t even take weapons up in the sky with them. They form up and go, and that’s it.

Pegasi can be used to drop explosive devices or rocks or other heavy objects from above onto the helpless armies below. To keep this from happening, enemy pegasi will engage your pegasi, and your pegasi will fight back, and then shit gets real.

Because some pegasi don’t bring weapons with them, they use whatever they can to kill their opponent. You heard stories of pegasi kicking, biting, and even grabbing enemies and free falling hundreds of feet before letting go and hoping their enemy hits the ground hard enough to kill them.

If a pegasi gets stabbed in the sky, there is almost nothing they can do. If they begin to fall and cannot stop, they’re dead. Unless somepony else picks them up, which is not very likely in the middle of fierce combat zone.

And where do those falling pegasi end up?

That’s right. Directly on top of your head. Pegasi fall from the sky in large numbers and land on the infantry below, who are busy fighting their own battle. If a pegasus survives the fall, they better pray they land on the friendly side, or else they are going to be finished off or captured.

Battles in this world are even more dangerous than medieval battles on Earth. This is gonna be like fighting in Narnia, except bloodier.

Mares are allowed to join the military. Some units are gender exclusive, like yous. But others, such as the Wonderbolts, have a good mix of stallions and mares.

Mares aren’t quite as common as stallions, but you always see them walking around camp, doing whatever it is mares do when they’re in the army.

You don’t know what they do.

The Legion continued to march north until it joined up with six other Equestrian Legions.

Six.

That’s a ton. That’s a total of seven Legions in all.

You belong to the First Legion, which is basically the equivalent of a division. Your Legion met up with the Second Legion after a week of marching and the Fifth Legion about five or six days ago. Then the other four have been trickling into camp over the past couple days, trying to get to camp before the enemy has a chance to attack.

You don’t know how many soldiers were in a Legion or a Division back on Earth, but here, one Legion equals about 6,000 soldiers.

That brings the total strength of Maximus’ army to around 42,000 stallions. So many soldiers.

Longstreet and Alexander were given somewhere between 25,000 to 30,000 troops. Which is a lot, but not nearly as much as Maximus’ Legions.

You heard that the reason Maximus was given more troops than Alexander and Longstreet was because it is Maximus’ job to defend Canterlot, the capital city of Equestria. If the Destrierian army can take that city, this war could be over a lot sooner than some may hope.

It is imperative that you win this battle. And not only defeat the Destrierian army, but completely annihilate them beyond recognition.

This is going to be a bloody mess.

But that’s not all! Not even close!

The Twin Gryphon Kingdoms, a large, singular empire northwest of Equestria, and long time enemy of the Drestrian Provinces, have offered their forces to be used in the upcoming war.

The Twin Gryphon Kingdoms and the Destrierian Provinces have been fighting since before Equestria even came into an official existence with the overthrowing of Discord by Celestia and Luna, and they have been fighting ever since.

You guess the gryphons see this as a good opportunity to kill their old enemy.

Even if the gryphons didn’t hate the Destrierians, you still think gryphons would have been sent to fight with Equestria. Princess Celestia and King Ozios the Great have been very good friends for decades, so gryphons would probably be sent to help, regardless.

7,000 gryphon soldiers reinforced your army, bringing the total number of troops to 49,000.

Gryphons were warmly welcomed when they arrived at camp. Gryphons are naturally very loyal, and it didn’t take them to make friends with everypony in camp. A gryphon was even assigned to bunk with you. Two officers per tent.

And that was when you met Griff. Griff the Gryphon. Appropriately named because his name is Griff, and he is a Gryphon. Everything makes sense in the end.

Griff is the equivalent of a Lieutenant in the Gryphon military, and he is in charge of 50 gryphon soldiers.

You were a little nervous about having to share a tent with a gryphon. You’ve met a few before, but not many. You can count on two fingers how many gryphons you’ve met before the war.

But Griff is actually really cool. He’s easy to get along with, doesn’t care what anyone thinks about him, and gives his opinion on everything. Which, in some cases, may get annoying at times, but it has yet to bother you.

He’s fun to argue with.

And that’s not all!

In addition to ponies and gryphons, there are zebras and minotaurs here as well!

There aren’t many of them. There are actually only 2 minotaurs, but two is way better than none. Those guys could probably use dead bodies as weapons if they really wanted to. But considering they brought their own weaponry, you guess they won’t be doing that.

That brings the total number of soldiers in this army to somewhere around 50,000.

And you’re going to need every single one of them. You haven’t seen the enemy army yet, and neither have the scouts. But rumors have been circulating that they have somewhere between 40,000 and 70,000 soldiers. You hope it’s 40,000.

And that brings you up to the present, where you are standing outside the camp on picket duty with Griff next to you. His mercenaries intermingling with your legionnaires. It is your job to guard the camp, but there isn’t anything to guard it from yet, so you allow your soldiers and Griff’s to hang out for a while.

You and Griff have made a small fire and are sitting next to it. Your soldiers are about 30 feet in front of you. Mingling.

You observe the terrain which will most likely host the upcoming battle.

All the land around you is flat. Everything is flat. Except for one thing. And that thing is a mountain. A very large, very long, snow-capped mountain.

The mountain sits behind the camp. It is very tall, which keeps anypony from simply walking over it. If someone were to try such a thing, they would suffer severe casualties just from frostbite.

Luckily, you did not have to walk over said mountain to reach your current location. There is a pass through the mountain that allowed everypony to simply walk through, and not around, the mountain.

Walking around the mountain would take weeks in itself. It stretches for miles in both directions, and the only pass you know of is the one behind the army’s camp.

And that is what the Legion is doing. Guarding the mountain pass from the Destrierian army. Maximus assumed that they’ll want to take the shortest, most direct to Equestria’s capital, which would just so happen to go through the pass.

Once they get here, they’ll see you waiting for them, and there will probably be a battle.

If you win, and are able to destroy their army, Maximus’ legions will probably be sent to assist Alexander’s or Longstreet’s, and hopefully drive the rest of the enemy forces out of the country.

If you lose, Canterlot will be left defenseless, and susceptible to a direct invasion or a lengthy siege.

This will probably be the first battle of the war, and it is already the most important.

Sieging Canterlot will probably be a very difficult feat if Maximus somehow loses. Surrounding and attacking a very large city on top of a mountain with only a handful of ways up sounds next to impossible. But hopefully they will never get the chance to do so.

All the land around you is covered in a thin layer of snow. It is still winter, after all, but spring is fast approaching.

No weather pegasi have been seen around here since the army’s arrival. You suppose the weather around here just naturally happens, like in the Everfree Forest. Or literally anywhere on Earth.

Also, the nearest civilization, as far as you know, is Cloudsdale, which is a few days’ march back the way you came, so if nopony lives out here, than there is hardly a reason to control the weather anyway.

And that is why there is snow on a battlefield.

As far as you know, there are no roads around here. There might be, but you can’t see any because of the snow. All is just a flat expanse of white.

If weather pegasi actually did try to change the weather here, they’d probably die, so it’s good that they’re not here.

“It’s never about the killing, you know,” Griff says, poking at the fire with a stick.

Griff looks like any other gryphon. He’s got an eagle head and a lion’s body with paws and claws and wings.

The only way to discern him from any other gryphon is that he has a very large, easily spotted scar running across an eye. It’s kind of like Scar from the Lion King.

Sometimes Griff wears an eyepatch, just to look sketchy as hell, but he can see just fine. It also helps to identify him in a crowd of gryphons.

Griff, when standing normally, is slightly taller than the average gryphon. Only slightly, though. If one just glances at him, one probably would not be able to tell.

And he also enjoys talking about the darkest things, as he is trying to do now.

“Is that so?” you ask.

He nods. “At least, not up in the sky. The only goal is to outlast the other army, and you win. It’s all about rolling with the punches. See, everyone is going to get injured. It’s going to happen. It’s inevitable if you join the air force. You just have to expect to get stabbed or cut or bitten or maimed... But all you have to do is stay there. Just keep on floating and don’t die. That’s how you win. Roll with the punches...

“You see this scar?” Griff points to the scar running across his eye.

“Didn’t notice it until now,” you reply.

He ignores your sarcasm. “Got this in the Battle of Eastmoor. It was a terrific mess.”

You’ve never heard the word ‘mess’ be described by the word ‘terrific’ before. First time for everything, you guess.

“You see,” Griff continues, “we began the fight by launching our air forces, which I was apart of. So I’m flying up, I’ve got a stiletto duct taped to my claw, and I’m ready to kill.”

“You had a knife taped to your claw?” you ask, pointing to his leg.

He scoffs and chuckles. “Obviously! How else am I going to kill those dirty bastards? Head butting? I don’t think so. Besides, I wouldn’t want to drop the thing. If you drop your weapon while that high, you’re not getting it back.”

Making sense so far.

“Anyway,” he goes on, “some of us are carrying rocks and shit, and once we get overtop of the Destrierian ground forces, we just let them go.”

He attempts to laugh in order to keep his smile, but he just can’t. He has a dazed look in his eyes as he just stares at the ground.

You don’t say anything.

‘Why is he telling me this?’

He shakes his head and clears his throat suddenly. “Ahem. Uh, anyway, so after only about 30 seconds, their air force shows up, and the battle truly begins.

“One guy comes straight at me. I don’t know why. You’re never supposed to charge another gryphon or pegasus head on if they see you coming. I don’t know what he was thinking.

“Well, the dumbass comes straight at me, so I just extend my leg, and he flies right into the knife...” He takes a breath. “Then I pull it out, stab his wings for good measure, and let him go. I watched him fall for a few seconds. He didn’t even try to start flying again.”

‘Jesus Christ,’ you think, unable to actually say anything.

“That was my first kill... You never forget your first... The battle keeps going. I stab. I get stabbed. I bite. I get bitten. But I got my rabies shot, so I’m not afraid of somepony’s teeth.”

“Is that how you got the scar?” you ask, finding your voice again.

He smirks a little. “Nah. You see, hours later, they finally begin to retreat. And this is my first battle, right? So I’m so damn excited that we won and I’m alive. I couldn’t be happier...

“So I start shouting and dancing and celebrating right in the middle of the damn sky. I’m not paying attention to what’s around me. Then the next thing I know, somepony jumps on my back and we both start falling.

“And on the way down, this guy is still on my back. I feel him wrap his leg around my neck and see he’s got a huge knife taped on his leg. I got this little stiletto, but this guy’s got a fucking Bowie knife. You ever see one of them?”

You nod.

“They’re big aren’t they? So, naturally, I flip a shit, not wanting to get stabbed by this asshole, especially after the battle’s over. I’m panicking, and neither of us have our wings out, and we’re approaching the ground faster and faster, and I’m like, ‘If I don’t get this guy off my back we’re both going to die.’

“I should have twisted my body around to get him off, but I was panicking, and I wasn’t thinking straight. So I grab his leg that’s around my neck, and I pull as hard as I can. This guy wasn’t expecting that to happen, so he flips right the fuck over my head. Unfortunately for me, though, his bowie knife comes right across my face as he’s flipping off, and cuts my eye pretty deep.

“I shut my eyes and scream and spread my wings and flap as hard as I can, which is just enough to stop me, only a dozen or so feet from the ground. I open my good eye, and I finally get a good look at the field.

“Dead ponies and gryphons everywhere. I even see what used to be the guy on my back lying in pieces. Literally. The force from the impact actually tore him apart. He was in like, 3 or 4 pieces. I’m not sure exactly, though. I didn’t count.

“Then I threw up.”

A silence overcomes the both of you. You haven’t been able to say anything for a few minutes. His story was... well... not really ‘shocking.’ ‘Disturbing’ is probably the word you would use. But it seemed important for him to tell you about his fight, so you let him.

Griff has always been a little weird in his own way. He enjoys talking about things most ponies don’t. For example, stabbing and killing and battle and the like.

You don’t mind it, though. You just let him talk, and he appreciates it.

“A-And that was my first battle,” Griff says, straightening his back. “I’ve gotten a lot smarter since. And I’m even an officer now, which is pretty impressive if you start out as a private.”

“How many battles have you been in?” you ask, staring at the ground.

“Uh... including that one? Three. I’ve been in some minor skirmishes, but those don’t count as battles. So three.”

You guess it was a good thing to hear that story, as disturbing as some parts may have been. Within the next few days, you expect to be killing or being killed, so it’s probably a good thing you heard a legitimate war story from someone. God knows no pony in this camp can tell you a war story.

You look down at the fire, suddenly very interested in the way it crackles and pops.

“So you’ve fought the Destrierians before?” you ask, wanting to learn a little about your enemy.

“Sure. Lots of times.”

“What are they like? Like, their fighting style and weapons. What are we going up against?”

“Uhm... Well, their weapons and fighting style are just like Equestria’s, I guess. At least from what I can see. I don’t see any major differences. But they have a different attitude about war.”

“What do you mean?”

“Like... Equestria is that one big kid that lives on your street that nobody ever messes with, but is strangely nice, you know? Like, you wouldn’t want to mess with him, and he looks like he could beat you up, but he wouldn’t ‘cause he’s a nice guy. You know what I’m saying?”

“I think so.”

“Good. But the Destrierians, on the other claw, are like that short kid on the block, who thinks he’s really tough, but isn’t, really. So he will go around and be aggressive to everyone and pick fights to try and show how tough he is but he usually gets his ass kicked.”

“That’s a pretty good analogy, Griff.”

“Thanks. I thought it was too.”

“You think we’ll win?”

He takes a deep, contemplative breath. “I don’t know. The entire field is flat,” he says, gesturing to the field in front of you. “No high ground. Numbers would be useful, too. Remember, even the short guy gets in a lucky punch now and again, so watch out. I think we have a great shot at winning, but don’t let that go to your head. Cockiness kills faster than anything else.”

“I guess that’s true.”

“As I said, I fought three battles against these guys, and we’ve won all three. But it was always a close call. Always. Remember, the Destrierians have a lot more battle experience than Equestrians do, so anything can happen.”

A mutual silence overcomes the small area you and Griff currently occupy. The silence is not awkward in the slightest. Sometimes it’s just nice to be quiet, and this would be one of those times. No words need to be said. There are no words you can think of saying.

But, of course, that silence is short lived.

“Isn’t that right, Captain?” you hear Mace shout to you.

You look up and see Mace, with a big, dumb grin on his face, in a crowd of ponies and gryphons who are all looking at you.

You suddenly feel very tired.

“I’m your Lieutenant,” you call back.

“Just say yes!” Mace insists.

You raise one finger, and one finger only, and point it in his general direction.

“Love you too, boss,” he says, beginning to walk towards you.

Mace is probably one of the only equines to know what that gesture means, but only because you told him.

“What are you up to?” you ask him as he approaches.

“Just talking with some gryphons. Have you seen their talons?! They’re huge! They could actually kill me with those things! I’ve seen your talons, boss, but that’s nothing compared to gryphons.”

You sigh. “Mace, for the last time, I don’t have talons. I have fingernails. Alright?”

“What’s the difference?”

“...I guess there isn’t one.”

“I’m right then. As always.”

“What do you want, Mace? Do you actually need anything?”

“Nope! Just thought I’d come talk to my favorite human and the one-eyed gryphon.”

“That’s great,” you sigh, standing up. “I’m gonna walk around a bit; make sure everypony is doing alright.”

“I’m alright, cappy!”

“I don’t give a shit.”

Mace chuckles and takes your previous spot next to the fire, beginning a new conversation with Griff.

You walk around to talk briefly with a few of your soldiers.

Officers often don’t go around and speak with their soldiers often, especially not while on duty. However, you find that it is better for morale if your soldiers like you, so talking to them seems to be a good idea.

You don’t know why more officers don’t talk to their legionnaires, as you do. Your Century has very high morale, and you like to think that it is because of you.

Your soldiers have taken it upon themselves to split up into dozens of small, individual groups instead of remaining in one giant one. Most groups contain a couple of ponies and a gryphon, simply standing around and mingling.

And occasionally checking the horizon for any signs of the enemy army, of course. That is your job. But nothing is over there.

You only spend a few short minutes with each group. You know everypony by name, except for the gryphons, who are eager to introduce themselves. You ask how your soldiers are doing, how they are adjusting to life in camp, and things of that nature. Just small talk.

Every gryphon you speak to, for whatever reason, seems very happy to meet you. Do they know about Celestia’s relationship with you? Do they know that their beloved commanding officer is your new best friend?

Possibly. But you’re not going to question it. It’s nice to be around people, or creatures, rather, that actually want to be around you.

God knows nopony in Canterlot wanted you around. The minute you first entered that city, which was only a week after your ‘arrival,’ everypony seemed to hate you. Or be afraid of you and hide. Or simply ignore you.

Except for Celestia.

You assume it was how Zecora felt when she moved to Ponyville.

Speaking of zebras, you have yet to actually see one in the camp. Everyone was informed that zebras have arrived to reinforce the army just yesterday, but there has been no sign of them.

They’re probably around here somewhere.

You have seen one of the minotaurs, though. But how could you not? They’re like, 7 feet tall and are as wide as a truck.

And they scare you.

They are the most intimidating beings you have seen in person thus far in your life, so you’re glad they are on your side. If it was at all possible, you would want there to be more minotaurs in the Legion, but there aren’t.

At least you have two.

Anywho, you stroll about the large group of assembled pony and gryphon soldiers getting a chance to meet your new allies and catching up with your friends.

You try your hardest to remind them that they are your subordinates despite the affection you show them, and they seem to get the idea.

Finishing up another conversation that will probably be forgotten in a matter of moments, you walk over to two of your Legionnaires who are reading a newspaper.

You immediately recognize both of them. One is Sergeant Daly, and the other is Sergeant York.

Sergeant Daly has a blue coat with a white mane, and his cutie mark is a microphone. Sergeant York has a green coat with a black mane, and an impeccable mustache, and his cutie mark is a peace symbol, oddly enough.

The more you think about it, the more the cutie marks make sense.

Strange how things like that just seem to work out. And the similarities between this world and yours will never cease to astound you.

Both are standing at the far end of the picket line as you approach them.

Daly glances up from the paper and notices you walking over. Both Daly and York snap to attention upon noticing you.

“Sir!” they both shout in unison, looking straight ahead.

“As you were,” you respond, stopping in front of them. As previously mentioned, both Daly and York are sergeants, making them very important to you.

If you get injured, cannot carry out your duties, or die, one of your noncommissioned officers will have to take over for you. This means that Daly and York may one day take your position as lieutenant.

You don’t plan on dying anytime soon, so hopefully that won’t happen.

Both of them sit down in the snow and continue to read whatever is of interest in Equestria.

“How have you guys been?” you ask as they return to reading the newspaper. “Any problems or issues adjusting?”

“Besides me not wanting to be here, everything has been great,” York responds without looking up. He turns the page.

“Don’t listen to him, Lieutenant,” Daly responds. “We’re fine. This paper is a couple days old, but everything is fine. Right, York?”

York doesn’t respond. He just turns the page.

“Yeah. We’re good. So what’s up with you, Lieutenant? Having fun?”

“This isn’t exactly what I would call ‘fun,’ but nothing has gone wrong yet. Everypony is still alive. I haven’t been demoted. So it’s been good.”

“Glad to hear it.” He turns back to the paper.

“You guys have an extra copy?” you ask, wanting to have something to do.

“Yeah,” York says, pulling an extra out of his saddlebags. “We actually have like, 50 of them in my bag. I was supposed to give them out.” He smiles sheepishly as he levitates over a paper. He puts on his saddlebag and gets up.

You grab the paper. “Don’t worry about that now. We’re supposed to be on guard duty, so give them out later.”

He smiles. “Awesome.” He takes off his bags, sits down, and begins reading again.

You take a seat next to them, deciding to stay there a few minutes to read about whatever else is happening in Equestria.

The front page is obviously talking about the war. Luckily, no where in the paper does it say where any of Equestria’s military forces currently are or are going. This unfortunately leaves the families of the Legion in the dark, but if the Destrierian army can read a newspaper to find out where everypony is, the war will be over very soon.

Loose lips sink ships, you know.

‘Why am I reading about the war? I’m fighting in the damn war!’

Not wanting to read about the things you already know, you advance further into the newspaper.

Finally, on the eighth page, is the sports section.

There is an article discussing the cancellation of all Wonderbolts shows for the foreseeable future.

There is an article discussing how baseball will be returning in a few weeks, despite the war. Sports have the ability to raise civilian morale, so they must continue like nothing is wrong.

There was a golf tournament last week. But you skip that article.

You continue through the newspaper, running over the weather and business sections. Neither of those things have any relevance to you at the moment.

You are nearing the end of the paper.

Usually, the articles in the very back of the newspaper would not interest you. But something catches your eye about this specific section. A picture to be accurate. A picture of Celestia to be even more accurate.

This picture contains Celestia in her private chambers.

You assumed you had the only picture of Celestia in such a location, and you tap your pocket to make sure that picture is still with you.

Celestia is sitting on her purple cushion, her legs tucked underneath her, her wings unfurled on either side of her body, a cup of tea in front of her, and she is laughing, as though a joke has been told.

Sitting across from her, on a separate cushion, is a stallion.

There is a stallion...

In Celestia’s private chambers...

And they are having tea...

Your mind is already beginning to make unfortunate conclusions from this picture. Maybe you’re just overreacting? It’s just a picture. Sure, Celestia never allows anypony in her private chambers except family and close friends, but you don’t even recognize this guy.

He reminds you of Blueblood. The stallion in the picture has blond hair, a white coat, and he is a unicorn. You only know it’s not Blueblood because his cutie mark is a quill and an ink jar.

The headline of the section is what really worries you.

Who’s That Stallion?

Your heart skips a beat.

Does that mean what you think it means?

“Oh shit,” a voice says quietly from next to you.

No.

It can’t.

No way.

...but maybe...

You’re very confused.

That headline could mean anything!

‘I’m just reading this wrong. Celestia and I didn’t even break up!... Right?’

You look back at the paper.

‘If we didn’t break up, then why is there some random, good looking noble stallion in our bedroom?... Her bedroom?’

It was just a dumb argument. A simple fight. It wasn’t a big deal!

Couples fight all the time! It was bound to happen to you and Celestia eventually.

You actually haven’t talked to Celestia since that night. You haven’t written a letter, nor have you received any. Not a single one. From anypony.

Does she think it’s over?

Maybe she thinks it’s over, but you still don’t...

You look back at this anonymous stallion who, for some ungodly reason, has been invited into Princess Celestia’s bedroom.

You don’t know whether to feel angry, ashamed, or sad... So you feel all three, just to be safe.

You remove your helmet with shaky hands, and toss it into the snow.

Daly and York look up at you.

“Lieutenant?” one of them asks.

You’re going to scream. At any moment now, you are going to lose it.

You throw the paper at the hooves of your sergeants and grip your head in your hands.

“Fuck me,” you say, barely above a whisper.

Then there is silence.

The only noise comes from the ponies and gryphons continuing to chat around you.

“Thanks guys,” you say, getting up, grabbing your helmet, and walking away. You’re going to be relieved soon, and you could really go for something to eat.

==========

You’ve had a tremendously long day which seemed to consist of relatively nothing. You woke up at 5 in the morning, took roll call, ate, then went on picket duty for the entire morning and a large part of the afternoon.

Where, as one may expect, nothing happened.

The evening was spent with you and Griff talking and sitting around a fire. Again. This time, the fire was inside the confines of the camp.

Soarin’ is sitting across from you, rubbing his wing.

“What are you doing?” Griff, who is sitting next to you, asks Soarin’.

“My wing is killing me.” Soarin’ responds. “I don’t even know why. I must’ve slept on in funny, or something.”

“Let me look at it,” you say, slowly rising to your feet and walking to Soarin’. He extends his wing to the best of his ability for you to observe, but is not able to fully extend it.

You place your wrist on the inside of his wing, and with your free hand, grip the tip of the blue appendage. You wrap his wing around your wrist tightly and quickly, before pulling backwards and feeling something pop.

Soarin’ gasps before you let go, allowing his wing to unfurl completely.

“Hey!” he says in slight shock, “how did you do that?” He flaps his wing to make sure it’s functional. “That’s incredible! My trainers can’t even do that!”

You smile and take your seat next to Griff again. “Celestia taught me that.”

She did. Every once in a while, even the sun goddess gets a wing cramp, and she will always need a way to fix it. So, she taught you what to do in case she ever sleeps funny or her wing hurts.

It’s harder to do it on Celestia, though, because her wings are so damn big, but you’ve gotten really good at it.

“Hey. Where did you get that?” Soarin’ asks you.

You look up to see that he is gesturing to the plate of food sitting on your lap. However, the term ‘food’ is used loosely. You’re not entirely sure what is on your tray. It looks like they blended up a bunch of vegetables into a mush then slapped it onto your plate.

You never thought you would miss hospital food.

“You get one guess,” you respond, taking a bite of the slop. A normal human may be disgusted by the flavor, but Equestrian food has destroyed your tastebuds. You could literally be eating paint chips and you wouldn’t know.

“The mess station?” he asks. You nod. He quirks an eyebrow and leans back a little. “And they’re serving that? Again?”

You nod.

He groans. “That’s like, the tenth day in a row. It’s not even good!”

Spitfire walks over, tray in mouth, and sits on the log next to Soarin’.

“You didn’t get me any?” he asks genuinely.

She shakes her head and begins eating.

Soarin’ grumbles to himself before dramatically rising to his hooves. Without a word, he turns towards the general direction of the mess station and begins slowly walking away, the sound of his hooves against the snow can easily be heard.

“Does he do that every night?” Griff asks Spitfire, pointing to Soarin’ with a spoon.

Spitfire sighs and rolls her eyes. “He’s been doing that ever since we got here, like I’m supposed to bring him food.”

It’s true. You eat dinner with Soarin’ and Spitfire and Griff every night, and every night this same thing happens.

“Do you think he’ll stop?” you ask.

“Probably not. He’ll just be as stubborn as he can until I relent and actually get him something.”

You doubt it would be a good idea for Spitfire to heed to Soarin’s demands, but whatever she wants to do is up to her.

Soarin’ comes back with a tray in his mouth. He sets it down on the ground taking a seat.

“Eugh,” he groans, sounding disgusted. “This slop is disgusting. What are we? Pigs?”

He takes a very large bite out of the food.

“You know,” he begins, spraying bits of food all over the place, “if I was in charge of the rations, I would at least serve something different everyday.” He swallows. “I mean really, the cooks have one job! And they can’t even do that right!” He takes another large bite.

Despite Soarin’ complaining as much as he has, he has almost finished half of his tray. You on the other hand, haven’t even made a dent, and neither has Griff, and you’ve been eating at least three times longer than Soarin’ has.

“Would you serve meat?” Griff asks Soarin’.

“Would I what?” Soarin’ asks.

“Serve meat. Gryphons aren’t vegetarian, you know.”

“I’ll tell you what, how about we fly over to the Destrian camp, grab one of their guys, and you can eat him?”

Griff chuckles. “Not exactly what I had in mind, but I get hungry enough, I’ll do it.”

You groan. “I would kill for a hamburger right now. I haven’t had meat since I got here.”

Griff chuckles. “Why not?”

You look at him. “Ponies don’t eat meat, dude, so I can’t get any.”

“Pfft. Of course you can!”

“Not in Equestria.”

“There are restaurants in Equestria where you can get meat.”

“What? No. That can’t be true. I know I would have heard about this.”

“He’s right,” Spitfire adds.

You turn to look at her. “What?”

She nods. “He’s right. Some restaurants in Equestria serve meat, from what I’ve heard. It’s really expensive though.”

“Yeah, and they make you sit in some secluded part of the restaurant so nopony can smell it,” Soarin’ adds.

“You two have known me since I got here, and you’re just telling me now?” you ask.

Soarin’ shrugs.

“I thought you were a herbivore,” Spitfire says.

“You have got to be kidding me. I’m an omnivore.”

“Relax,” Griff adds in. “Tell you what, when we go back to Canterlot, I’ll take you to one. Sound good?”

You could cry even at the idea of being able to eat meat again.

“I love you.”

“Love you too, man,” Griff says. “You two want to go?” he asks Spitfire and Soarin’.

Soarin’ chokes on his food.

“Oh, Celestia, no!” Spitfire almost shouts. “That’s disgusting! Never ask that again.”

“Sorry, sorry,” Griff apologizes, laughing. “I’m just not used to being in Equestria. I’m usually surrounded by meat-eaters.”

“You OK?” you ask Soarin’, who is just beginning to recover.

He coughs and coughs before sitting up straight again. “Yeah, yeah. Good. I just remembered one time I passed this Gryphon bar way outside of Baltimare after a show... the smell was so bad I almost threw up. And I was like, 100 feet in the air!”

“No way, Soarin’, meat smells delicious. As long as it’s cooked properly.”

“Oh dude,” Griff begins, placing a claw on your shoulder, “Gryphons do a mean steak. When we get back, that’s the first thing you gotta try.”

“I’m up for it.”

“There are only a few places in Canterlot that serve meat. Now, they usually make us sit in the basement so nopony upstairs can smell the meat, but it’s alright. It’s over-priced as shit and not as good as the meat you find where I’m from, but it’s alright.”

You don’t mind sitting in a basement to eat meat. You would go to the god damn surface of the sun if it meant eating bacon again.

You’re stomach grumbles painfully, yearning for meat. “Yeah Griff, I’m sure we will do all that, but for now, let’s just not talk about it. It’s making me sad.”

“Alright.”

“Can I ask a question?” Soarin’ asks in an attempt to change the topic of conversation, still spraying bits of food all over the place. Spitfire just kind of looks at him, disgusted.

“Me?” you ask.

“Yeah.”

“Sure, go ahead.”

“What the hell are you wearing?”

You quirk an eyebrow and look down at yourself. You’re donning your usual attire. You have some warm clothes on, then your armor on top of that, and you’re wearing winter gloves and a beanie to keep your head warm and to make sure your helmet doesn’t get frozen on your headt.

“Clothes.”

He rolls his eyes. “Yeah. But why?”

“So I don’t freeze to death.”

‘And because I look sexy as hell,’ you add in your head.

These ponies can’t handle your swag.

He chuckles. “Freeze to death? Really? It’s only like, 30 degrees out!”

‘Only 30 degrees?’

“That temperature can kill people, Soarin’.”

“Pfft, what are you? An earth pony? Seriously, who gets cold at 30 degrees?”

“A lot of people.” You take a bite of slop. “Most people.”

“Not pegasi. We don’t have to worry about the temperature unless it’s raining or goes below 0.”

“Wait. Hold up a sec. So you’re telling me, pegasi don’t get cold unless it’s below 0?”

“Most of the time,” Spitfire cuts in.

‘Well shit. Reckon that explains why Celestia never gets cold.’

“Comes in handy during winter shows or when I used to be on the weather team in Cloudsdale,” Spitfire continues. “Of course, when you’re flying, it gets colder a lot faster because of the wind chill, so we usually wear scarves or something.”

“Just a scarf?” you ask.

Spitfire nods.

“That’s nothing,” Griff adds. “Gryphons never wear clothing, and we live even further from the equator than you guys do.”

“Well, humans are not built for that kind of extreme weather, so we wear clothes. Is that a problem?”

“No. You just look ridiculous.”

Everypony nods in confirmation.

“I’d rather look ridiculous than freeze to death.”

“So you wear clothes all the time, then?” Soarin’ asks. “Even when you’re not at Celestia’s parties or things like that?”

You nod.

“Really? I thought Celestia just made you get dressed up for those parties.”

“Well she does, but I always wear something. Where I’m from, everyone wears some form of clothing most of the time, especially in a public setting.”

“Why?”

“So we don’t die, Soarin’. In case you haven’t noticed, I’m not as hairy as you guys or have feathers and shit.”

Everypony nods.

“How’s Celestia doing?” Spitfire asks, stoking the fire to keep it going.

You haven’t talked about Celestia is a long time. Nopony in your Century has asked about her, so you haven’t said anything about your argument.

It wasn’t a big deal anyway. At least, you still don’t think so. Something as dumb as one simple argument should not have ended everything.

At least, you really hope not. But there is always a chance that she ended it, and you just don’t realize it. God knows what she’s doing back in Canterlot at this very moment.

Everypony in camp, including all the gryphons and zebras and minotaurs, already know you are courting Celestia, so that has not been a topic of conversation. Which is nice. It’s nice not to think about it for a while.

You shrug. “She’s good, I guess.”

“You guess?” she asks. “Haven’t you been writing her?”

No. You have not been. Ever since you left, you have not sent nor received a single letter from any being in this world. The last thing Celestia told you was to leave, and you did.

“Nope,” you respond honestly, though you probably should have lied, taking another bite of food. Your tray is almost empty now. “Haven’t talked to anypony.”

“What?” Spitfire asks. “But why? She’s probably worried sick about you!”

You tilt your head to one side, then the other in contemplation. “I doubt that.”

“Why?”

You shrug. “I’m sure if she really wants to talk to me, she’ll write me.”

“Oh come on!”

“Relax, Spitfire,” Soarin’ jumps in. “No need to get so heated. It’s not our business.”

She ignores him. “Why haven’t you talked to her?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” you say.

“Spitty, really,” Soarin’ adds again, “it’s not our-”

“Seriously, dude!” Spitfire almost shouts.

You feel your frustration level rising. You haven’t thought about Celestia in a long time, and it has been wonderful. Now Spitfire is forcing you to talk about her, and you just don’t want to. You just want to eat in peace.

“You’re miles away from her, haven’t seen her in weeks, and you won’t even send her a letter?”

You nod.

“Can you imagine how she feels?! She’s probably stressed beyond belief, and worried sick over you, and you can’t even send her a letter?! She’s the Princess! The most important pony in Equestria, and you’re just causing her problems! Like she doesn’t already have enough to deal with!”

You’re head hurts.

“I think I’m done,” you say, standing up and tossing your tray to the side and into the snow.

Without another word, you walk away from the two ponies and one gryphon. Maybe it’s time for you to check up on your soldiers.

==========

It was a tad rude to walk away like you did, but you couldn’t sit there any longer. Thinking about Celestia just made you sad and frustrated on levels you haven’t felt in a very long time. You’ll have to apologize to everypony for walking away like that, but that can wait for another time.

It was for the best, though. Either you walked away or you would have gotten angry and started yelling at Spitfire, and you didn’t want to do that.

Now you’re sitting with your three best friends.

The four of you are sitting around the fire and talking, just as you always have.

The entire camp smells awful. You don’t know why you’re just noticing that now.

A camp full of unbathed animals tends to smell bad after a day. But it’s been a week.

Even you smell bad. Not as bad as some of the creatures roaming around, but pretty bad. There are a few shower stalls around the camp, but the water is cold and the air is cold and you hate being cold.

So most ponies just choose to smell bad, which is bearable.

“So he asks me, ‘Mace, what are you doing in my house?’ So then I say, ‘You forgot your blueberry pie at the fair!’” Mace smiles like an idiot as he finishes telling another story that didn’t seem to go anywhere.

You weren’t listening to any of it except for that last sentence, so you don’t respond. And by Sherman and Pike’s silence, you’re guessing they are just as uninterested as you are.

“Oh, I got tons of ‘em,” Mace says, continuing to talk. “You guys want to hear some chemistry jokes?”

You’re lost in your thoughts, and are only slightly aware of what Mace is saying. Once again, nopony responds, but that doesn’t stop him from talking.

“Potassium went on a date with oxygen today... It was OK.”

You guess that was the punchline.

“That’s strange, though. I thought oxygen was dating magnesium... OMG.”

It surprises you that he said that. You were unaware that ponies had abbreviations, considering they cannot text.

“Actually, oxygen first asked nitrogen out, but nitrogen was all like... NO.”

Mace chuckles to himself.

“You’re an idiot,” Pike finally says before Mace can continue on with these endless jokes.

“Don’t worry!” Mace exclaims. “I’ve got plenty more!”

“We don’t want to hear them.”

You roll your eyes.

“Why can’t you just be quiet like Pike?” you ask Mace, gesturing to Pike.

“You want me to be like Pike?!” Mace almost shouts. “He’s a psychopath!”

“No. He’s just quiet.”

“It’s always the quiet ones who snap. And when they snap, they crackle and pop. And that’s when the murdering begins.”

“You’re retarded,” Pike jumps in to defend himself.

“It doesn’t mean I don’t love you, Pike. You’re just fucking insane.”

“Don’t worry, buddy. I’ll love you forever,” Sherman says, rubbing Pike’s back.

“I’ll love you five-ever. That’s more than forever.” Mace sticks his tongue out at Sherman.

“I hate you guys,” Pike mumbles.

Sherman, as he usually does when there is nothing else to do, levitates a cigar out of nowhere, along with a pack of matches.

He strikes a match, lights the cigar, and takes a few puffs from it.

“Can you not do that next to me?” Pike asks, scooting away from Sherman. “It’d be great if I don’t get cancer.”

“You won’t get cancer from sitting next to me,” Sherman responds, puffing on his cigar again.

“Still, I’d like to live beyond the age of 30.”

“You are aware that we’re in the army, right? In the next few days, we’re probably going to be dead.”

“Not me!” Mace joins in, possibly in an attempt to stop Sherman and Pike’s bickering. “I’ve got a four-leaf clover in my helmet lining!” He smiles confidently, as though the piece of grass will protect him from swords and arrows.

“Why do you always smoke next me?” Pike asks, ignoring Mace.

“‘Cause you’re always sitting next to me, I guess.”

You begin to daydream as they fight. They argue over the most trivial things, and they do it so often, that it has just become common background noise.

“I think they’re in love,” Mace says quietly to you, gesturing to Sherman and Pike.

“How do you figure?” you whisper back.

“They fight just for the sake of fighting. I mean, who does that?”

“Boxers.”

“But boxers fight with their hooves. They just bicker like an old married couple.”

You yawn. “Sure. I guess they do.”

You were not paying attention to what was said, but Sherman clearly got pissed, as he is now walking away.

“Hey!” Mace shouts. “Where are you going?!” He turns to face you. “Where is he going?”

You shrug.

“Where is he going?” Mace asks Pike.

“I don’t know,” Pike responds, confused. “He just kinda... left.”

“What did you say?”

“I don’t know.”

“Lieutenant!” a voice calls out from behind you. You turn slightly and see a private rapidly approaching.

You stand up to face him. “Yes?”

“Officer’s of the First Legion are to report to General’s tent immediately!”

You thank and dismiss him before he runs off, assumingly to find the rest of the officers in your Legion.

“I’ll see you guys later,” you say, glancing back to Pike and Mace.

“What about Sherman?” Mace asks.

“I’m sure I’ll see him too. He probably has a lot on his mind, so just give him a while to cool down.”

You begin your walk to Maximus tent.

It is probably for the best that Sherman is left alone for a while. When you got mad earlier, you just wanted to be left alone for a while, and it helped.

You don’t know why Sherman got upset. He’s is usually a pretty calm and collected guy. He’s probably just stressed. A lot of ponies probably are.

==========

You approach General Maximus’ massive tent where other familiar officers from the First Legion are waiting outside. As you get closer, a large group of zebras and ponies exit the tent, and the First Legion officers begin to enter, you following behind them.

“Officers,” a gruff voice greets.

You, and the officers of the First Legion who are with you, snap to attention upon hearing your general’s familiar voice.

“At ease. Come. We have much to discuss.”

The tent is rather large. The inside can probably fit two dozen ponies, which is probably more than it seems. The tent is practically empty, except for the large table at the other end of the room, which is smothered in a giant mess of battlemaps and other papers.

Maximus walks around the table to stand behind it, and you stop on the opposite side from him. You allow the crowd of pony officers to stand directly in front of the table, and you stand behind them. Luckily, your height allows you to see over them, so you can easily see all the maps from the back of the small crowd.

Maximus gestures to the map. On one side of the map is a series of blue boxes, indicating where the Equestrian forces are lined up. On the opposite side is a series of red boxes, representing the absent Destrierian army.

“I have just received word that Destrierian forces are only a day’s march from here, and they are heading straight for us.”

Just as planned.

Maximus points to the far left of the series of blue boxes. “This is where the First Legion shall be deployed, tomorrow. Understood?”

“Yes, sir,” everyone responds simultaneously.

“I wanted to meet with all of you privately.”

‘What? Why?’

“As you should know, the left flank is the most crucial part of the line. If the left flank is turned, we’re in trouble.

“As officers in the First Legion, all of you will be leading the Legionnaires in the defense of the left flank. So I wanted you to know that you have the most important job. Do not let that flank get turned. You will hold until the last stallion.”

“Yes, sir!” is the reply.

“Good. Now that that’s out of the way, we can begin going over the order of battle.”

Maximus spends the next several minutes explaining what he believes the Destrierians are going to do. How they will line up, when they will attack, how they will attack, and how you are going to have to respond.

The battle is going to begin in the air, as most battles do.

Pegasi and gryphons will be launched to attack their air forces and ground forces.

Maximus reminds you all that you are fighting a defensive battle in a defensive war. There is no reason for you to attack them at any point. Just hold your ground, make them attack you, and make them regret it.

“The cavalry reports that the Destrierian forces are totalling between 50 and 60,000. But do not let that deter you. What we lack in numbers we make up for in skill and cause. Remember this: You are defending your homes. Your wives, and children, and your whole damn nation is dependant on you. You will not let them down.”

“Yes, sir!” is the chorus of replies.

“Dismissed.”

All the officers of the First Legion trickle out of the tent as other officers from a different legion just begin to enter.

One officer that happens to be passing you is a familiar pegasus.

“Hey, Spitfire,” you greet, cautiously.

She greets you by name, as well.

“Ahem. Look, I’m really sorry about earlier. I didn’t mean to get so upset, you know? I’ve just been under a lot of pressure and this military thing is pretty new to me and-”

“Hey, it’s alright,” she laughs. “I get it. You’re sorry... But you shouldn’t be. I didn’t mean to go sticking my snout in your private life. I was just curious, is all. A little too curious.”

You smile. “That’s fine. But I really did overreact, so I’m still apologizing, no matter what you think.”

She smiles back at you. “Accepted, then.”

“Thanks, Spitfire.” You turn to begin your journey back to your tent.

Spitfire calls your name from behind you.

“Hmm?” you ask, turning around to look at her.

“I’ll see you tomorrow?” she asks, still smiling.

“Yeah. See ya tomorrow.”

She goes into Maximus’ tent.

You go to find yours.

==========

You walk along the narrow paths of your dark camp. The only light provided is an occasional torch or Luna’s moon and stars high above your head.

‘Homesick’ is a strange word to describe how you currently feel. First you left your house in the realm of man, then you left your house in the world of magic and happiness.

And in both cases, the choice to leave was not of your own volition.

If you had the choice that rainy night to drive to your friend’s house or crash your car, almost die, and do end up in some strange, mystical world, you would have elected to drive to your friend’s house.

No doubt.

Of course, you soon changed your mind about that, as evidence by you still being in Equestria and assimilating into their culture.

If you had the choice almost a month ago to stay sleeping in your bed with the mare you love more than anything or being woken up, forced to leave to go fight a war, and, as you just learned a couple hours ago, break up with her, you would have chosen to stay asleep.

No doubt.

You assume you won’t be changing your mind about that.

The narrow pathways that are lined in between the tents of officers are abandoned at this time of night. Everypony should be asleep or almost asleep at this point. Excluding those who have picket duty and are guarding the camp, of course. They have to stay up all night.

All the tents look the same to you. They are small, white, and barely large enough to fit you. Putting on or taking off your armor in the tent is a hassle, simply because you cannot stand straight up. You have to hunch your back to keep your head from tearing through the roof.

Luckily, remembering your tent’s location, you find it in a matter of minutes, open the flap, and crouch inside.

“There you are,” Griff says, squinting open an eye to look at you, but not physically moving other than that. “Why’d you get so pissed, dude?”

You sigh. “I don’t know. I just don’t want to think about it.”

“Whatever.” He rolls over in his bed. “You should probably talk to Spitfire tomorrow, though. She didn’t mean to get you so heated.”

“I already did,” you strip down to your long underwear, which is one of the only things that keep you alive at night. “We just had an officers meeting. You go?”

“I’ve been here,” he says, voice muffled because of his face in his pillow. “Stop lying. We didn’t have a meeting.”

You sit down on your ‘bed.’

Your bed is basically just a sleeping bag, and luckily, you got one that actually fits you.

“Yes we did, Griff.” You pull the covers over you. “Everypony was there. I even saw a few other gryphon officers. And the zebras too. Basically everyone except you.”

You lie down.

Not more than a second after finishing your sentence then do you hear loud snoring erupt from the body next to yours.

One may initially think this is Griff pretending to be asleep, but no. That is how he actually sounds when he sleeps.

The first night you shared a tent, you thought it was funny. Now it’s annoying and you have to debate with yourself every night on whether or not you should murder him. But you don’t.

It has been difficult to sleep without the gentle, soothing sound of Celestia’s breathing, but you have been managing. You miss her so much.

You shake your head and close your eyes, more than ready for this day to be over.

==========

“Take a seat!” your father happily requests. “We’re about to eat.”

‘What?’

“Sit here,” your mother says, pulling a chair out for you.

‘For what?’

Without conscious movement, you glide towards the chair and sit. The chair seems to scoot itself in towards the table, which is barren.

Before you can ask what’s happening, food appears all over the table. Turkey, mashed potatoes, ham, stuffing, rolls, gravy, cranberry sauce, pumpkin pie, and a casserole suddenly appear in front of you.

Even your previously empty plate is now filled with a generous portion of each food, much to your confusion. Even your empty glass is now full. The table is set and dinner is served.

“Happy thanksgiving!” your family all says at the same time before they begin eating.

Despite your confusion, you begin to eat as well. The food is real. It feels like food, tastes like food, so it must be food.

“We missed you so much, sweetie,” your mom says, wrapping an arm around you and kissing your forehead. “We were so afraid something happened to you.”

‘What?’

For whatever reason, you can’t talk. You’re trying to talk, but everything you want to say just comes across as a thought and nothing more.

“We started looking for you right after the accident,” your father says. “When the car was recovered, but you weren’t inside, we assumed the worst.”

Your mother sniffles. “But we never stopped looking for you. And now look! You’re back where you belong. With your family.”

‘With my family.’

“I missed you, mom,” you finally say, tears coming to your eyes. “You too, dad.” You sniffle, trying to retain yourself. “I missed you guys so much. I love you.”

Your parents immediately burst into tears at you saying that, and they move to hug you. They wrap you up in their arms and you let them. It feels like it has been forever since you’ve felt this. You’re warm and happy and right where you belong.

The hug breaks and they return to their seats.

“Sweetie?” your mom asks, causing you to look at her. “I know it’s been a long time, but that movie you ordered from netflix arrived. Would you like to watch that with us tonight?”

‘Damn! That was so long ago!’

“Absolutely, ma,” you reply. “That sounds great.”

She smiles and everyone returns to eating.

The food was just as good as you have always remembered it to be, and within a matter of glorious minutes, it is all gone.

Feeling a pressure in your stomach, you get up.

“I’mma use the bathroom, right quick.”

They nod at you and you begin the short journey to the bathroom. On your way there, the walls around you melt, the roof above you turns black, and the floor underneath you disappears.

But you’re still walking.

“What the hell?” you ask yourself. You look back to your table, but it’s not there anymore. You look to the pictures on the wall, but they’re not there anymore.

Everything around you is black. Everything. It is all just a black expanse of nothing.

“But I was... what?”

A familiar voice calls your name. You turn around and see a sad face.

“Damnit Luna!” you shout, feeling angry as one possibly could in such a situation. “I’m dreaming, aren’t I? Aren’t I?!”

“Yes,” she responds simply and evenly.

“What did I tell you about coming into my dreams?!”

“We know what you requested, and We would not disturb your rest if it was not of any importance.”

“Change it back.”

“... Come again?”

“I said, change it back!” you shout. You don’t think you’ve ever yelled at Luna before. “My family was right over there! I saw them! I talked to them! They talked to me! God damnit, Luna! Did you not see how happy I was?!”

“We did.”

“Then change it back and get out!”

“SILENCE!” she shouts in the Royal Canterlot Voice, stopping your angry tirade in its’ tracks. “We did not wish to use the Royal Canterlot Voice, but if you are going to act like a foal, then you leave us no choice!”

You take a deep breath to calm your nerves.

“Why are you here, Luna?” you ask. “Celestia has made it perfectly clear that she doesn’t want to be with me anymore, and I’m already aware that there is a war going on. We have nothing to talk about.”

Luna quirks an eyebrow and tilts her head to the side. “What do you mean, ‘my sister does not wish to be with you’? Twas merely an argument, you shared. From what I’ve observed, that is quite common in this day and age.”

“Don’t play dumb, Luna. If anypony knows about it, it’s you.”

“Know about what?”

“Who is that stallion Celestia is seeing?”

“... Stallion?”

You sigh. “Do you read the newspaper, Luna?”

“No.”

“Well that almost explains that. I read the newspaper earlier and it basically said Celestia is going out with some other stallion. Kinda looks like Blueblood.”

“We confess, We have no idea what you’re talking about, but We believe you’re assumptions are false.”

“You sure about that?” you ask doubtfully.

“If my sister was courting another, We like to think she would have alerted Us.”

“When Celestia and I first started dating, we didn’t tell anypony for a couple weeks.”

“That is true. May We ask, where did you get the impression my sister was courting this stallion, you speak of?”

“It was in the back of a newspaper I read this afternoon.”

“You were reading the gossip column?”

“Uhm. Maybe?”

Luna sighs and rolls her eyes. “Then it is mere speculation. 1,000 years ago, there was no gossip when it came to official news. Why ponies these days insist on fabricating rumors about royalty and celebrities is beyond Us, but We assure you, whatever you read was false. Simply ponies thinking out loud.”

“So... it’s just a rumor?”

“Perhaps. Gossip is for the small minded, and there seems to be a great abundance of such ponies these days. But once in a new moon, what the simple minded speculate just happens to be correct.”

Now you’re really confused.

Are you dating? Or did you break up?

“Then did we break up?” you ask Luna.

“We cannot say for sure. We are sorry.”

It’s probably best to think about this later. Dwelling on this is only making you more stressed, which will not help you with the upcoming battle.

“You shall be engaged in battle soon. Correct?” Luna asks.

“Yep.”

She walks forward, and slowly pulls you in for a hug, wrapping her wings around you. You return the gesture with your arms.

Despite being in your head, the contact feels real. She is just as warm and soft as she always has been.

“Then We wish you luck. War is not particularly enjoyable, but you will get through it.”

Those are the most encouraging words Luna has ever told you.

“It is time for you to wake.”

You take a deep breath. “I don’t want to.”

“We know.”

“Is there a way I can see Celestia? Before I wake up?”

Luna breaks the hug and just looks at you for a moment, no expression on her face.

“No.”

Before you can respond, Luna’s horn touches your forehead.

==========

You jolt up in bed.

Looking around, you realize you are in the same tent you were in last night.

‘God damnit, Luna!’

Just then, a captain, fully geared up for battle, pokes his head in your tent.

“Get up! Get your gear! Get formed! Get out!”

He retreats out of the tent.

Griff mumbles something in his sleep before turning over in his bed.

‘This is it.’

You stand up and get your armor on. As difficult as this task used to be, you’ve done it so much over the past year or so that you can do this without even consciously thinking about it. Halfway through putting your chest plate on, you kick Griff in his side.

“Fuggoff,” he slurs, curling into a ball.

“Griff,” you say, “get the hell up.” You kick him again.

“OK, OK, stop touching me,” he turns over and begins to get up.

“Can you tie this for me?” you ask, squatting and turning around and showing him the straps of your armor.

He yawns. “Yeah, sure.”

After getting tied off, Griff puts on the minimal amount of armor gryphons wear. Gryphons need to fly, so to increase aerodynamics, he wears less armor. Simple physics.

You put on your helmet and walk outside the tent.

A horn blares throughout the camp signalling everypony to get in formation.

In front of you, perhaps two or three miles away, stands the whole Destrierian army. It looks a lot bigger than you originally thought. From this distance, they only look like a blur, but they’re a massive blur.

Griff punches your shoulder with a clenched claw. “Game time, bud,” he says, beginning to leave to get his soldiers formed up. “I’ll see you later, alright?”

You swallow. “Yeah, man. See you later.”

You rush to get your soldiers, get them in formation, and prepare them for battle.

Chapter 9: Fight

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WARNING!
This chapter contains pony violence and slight pony gore. If that is an issue for you, don't read this chapter. I will update you on what you missed in the next chapter!
For those that are fine with pony violence, enjoy!

==========

“Oh no oh no oh no!” Twilight says, pacing around the room, sweating.

“Twilight?” Spike asks, walking towards her.

“Spike! Get everyone in town and bring them here! We have less than 30 seconds!”

You bite your tongue to stop yourself from laughing.

“Is she always like this?” you quietly ask Spike who is standing just at the foot of your bed.

He rolls his eyes. “More than you think. The other day I forgot send in her friendship report to the Princess that morning, but I still did it! It was just later in the evening. She was so worried that she packed up her belongings and stood outside waiting for Celestia to send her back to Canterlot.”

“Well that’s a natural reaction, I guess.”

‘What the hell is a friendship report?’ you ask yourself, never having heard of such a thing.

“Spike!” Twilight yells, looking at Spike with the angriest expression you’ve ever seen on a horse. “20 seconds!” She points a hoof at the clock.

“C’mon, Twilight,” you say. “What could be so bad about the Princess visiting?”

If anything Twilight has told you is true, then you know Twilight is the Princess’ personal and most beloved student. Twilight has saved this country multiple times using her wits and skill with magic.

If any of that is true, you doubt the Princess would be upset there is not a parade to announce her arrival. How egocentric could she be?

“What could be bad?!” Twilight asks you rhetorically. “I’ll tell you what ‘could be bad.’ The Princess arrives without an official celebration welcoming her! She’ll think I’ve been working too hard and that I can no longer concentrate on even the most simple of tasks! She’ll take away my books! My library! I won’t be able to see my friends! And then she’ll force me to take a-” She takes in a dramatic breath of air. “Vacation!”

‘What’s so bad about that?’

This is the most paranoid being you’ve ever seen.

“Really, Twilight,” Spike cuts in. “Princess Celestia has visited lots of times! Why is this time any different?”

“She’s not here to visit me, Spike! She’s here on official government business!”

“And what would that be?” he asks.

“Him!” she yells, pointing a purple hoof at you. “She’s here for him!”

“Me?” you ask, confused. You don’t know why royalty would want to see someone such as you. Did you do something wrong? Did you break the law? Is attempting to escape from a hospital a federal offense?

“You! I sent her my report just last night, and now she wants to meet you! Oh no! There is so much you have to know!”

“Know about what?”

She runs towards you, causing you to uncomfortably shift in your bed.

Before you can ask a question, Twilight jumps into the air and lands on your mattress, causing you to bump up and down a little; but only a little. You’re still chained to the bed, after all.

She rushes up the bed until her head is mere inches away from yours, a terrifying look on her face. You try to back away from the mare, but your mattress and pillows only seem to push you forward.

“Since you’ll be meeting with the Princess, you have to learn all the important etiquette techniques used by the social elite of Canterlot.”

“Twilight?” Spike asks. “I really don’t-”

“Quiet, Spike! I’m teaching here, and I only have a few seconds left!”

The door to your room opens and in walks what you assume to be Princess Celestia.

However, looking over to the now open door, you see someone who does not look a lot like what you thought this Princess was supposed to look like. The only problem is that this ‘Princess’ looks a lot like a stallion, and is wearing purple armor. Not a crown.

“Twily!” the definite male figure exclaims upon looking at the purple unicorn standing menacingly overtop of you.

“Shining!” Twilight yells back, jumping off the bed and nearly kicking you in the face. Twilight wastes no time in moving towards the purple-armored pony.

You glance at Spike before turning back to whom you assume is ‘Shining’ and Twilight, who are hugging. All signs of stress Twilight was just showing are now gone.

“Is that your boyfriend, Twilight?” you ask.

She gasps and recoils. You know if she was drinking a cup of water then it’d be all over the place right now.

“What?! No! Shining is my brother.”

“Ooh. My bad.”

You’ve never seen a brother and a sister so close before.

“Captain Shining Armor,” the armored pony introduces himself kindly with a smile.

You return the smile and introduce yourself as well.

He repeats the name slowly, making sure he is pronouncing it right.

“Yep, that’s it.”

“Huh. Interesting. Never heard a name like that before. Where are you from?”

“Uhh...” you try to think how you can describe your home to a talking horse in the land of talking horses. “Not around here. Imagine if this world y’all got here is full of people that look kind of like me.”

“You’re from a different planet?” he asks.

You think for a moment. “Uhh... Yeah. I guess I am. ‘Cause I’m definitely not where I used to be.”

“How did you get here?”

You shrug.

“I already asked him all of these questions,” Twilight says to her brother. “If you want to know the answers, I still have my notes around-”

“Relax, Twily,” Shining says, chuckling. “I’m not interviewing him. Just making conversation.”

‘Twily’s’ face flushes. “Oh... Right. Of course.”

Just then, two stallions walk into the room, both clad in shiny golden armor with blue crests. Both are white. Both have wings. And both look pissed.

What did you do?

Oh shit.

You illegally entered the country, right? They’re going to deport you. But to where?

Is attempting to escape a hospital illegal?

If so, you’re going to prison.

What did Twilight write in her report to her Princess?

Did she say you were a threat? Does the Princess believe her?

Oh shit. They’re going to kill you.

“Alright, let’s get him in the chair,” Shining says to the two golden-armored pegasi.

‘What chair?!’ you shout in your head, on the verge of a panic attack.

At that very moment, Nurse Redheart, who has always hated you and is definitely out to get you (but is simply pretending to be nice), rolls in a wheelchair.

‘Oh I get it. I tried get out of the hospital in a wheelchair, and now you’re going to take me out in one. Well kill me then! Then you can wheel me around wherever you want!’

You’re paranoia levels are the highest they have ever been.

“You’re being transported to Canterlot,” Nurse Redheart says, unhooking your handcuffs temporarily and taking off the straps on the bed.

You are now free to move.

If only you could.

‘Wait. Where are they taking me?’

“We will lift on three,” Nurse Redheart says as the other ponies in the room gather around your bed. They all put their hooves underneath you, except Twilight.

“One. Two. Three and lift!”

You are hoisted off the bed with ease, as a purple aura appears underneath you and gently deposits you in your chair.

“Thank you, Twilight,” the nurse says before exiting the room.

“My pleasure,” Twilight responds proudly.

No sooner are you seated in the chair than your handcuffs are back on, fastened tightly around your wrists, holding them tightly together.

‘Wait! Fuck!’

Any relief you may have felt from being uncuffed is now gone as you realize that you are at the mercy of these angry looking pegasi.

“Alright,” Shining begins. “Best not keep the Princess waiting. The chariot is outside so let’s get going.”

You don’t say anything. There is nothing for you to say.

It doesn’t matter if you agree to go with him or not. He’s going to take you. And it’s not like you can wheel yourself around at the moment.

One of the guards gets behind your chair and pushes you out of the room, taking a left in order to go down to the lobby.

You know what the lobby looks like. You saw it earlier today.

After a relatively calm roll down the hallway, you enter the lobby, where Nurse Redheart seems to be waiting for you with a stack of papers.

She approaches you with a clipboard in her mouth, which she drops into your lap.

“Please sign along the dotted line,” she instructs.

You pick up the pen, scribble your signature, and give it back to her.

“Ffank you!” she says, clipboard in mouth.

They then wheel you out the sliding glass doors. It’s the third time you’ve been outside that you remember.

The first was very painful and confusing.

The second was tiring but very pretty and refreshing.

The third is very bright, as the sun is already high in the sky and there are no clouds.

As your vision quickly adjusts, you see a large town in the distance, which you learned is called ‘Ponyville.’

It shouldn’t be very difficult for one to discover why the town is appropriately named.

It feels nice to be out in the open, fresh air. You were in the hospital so long, you were beginning to think this whole world smelled of disinfectant.

Your chair takes an immediate right, forcing you to look in that direction. Your eyes go wide as you see what sits in front of you.

A massive carriage, probably 20 feet long and almost 10 feet tall, sits on the grass, waiting for you.

‘Who the hell travels around in that?!’

You assume whoever this belongs to must be pretty big. Or very claustrophobic.

The two golden-armored pegasi march to the front of the giant box and hook themselves up to it.

Shining gets behind your chair and pushes you inside of the giant box.

The inside the carriage is even better than the outside!

There are cushions and pillows everywhere, the walls are painted a light purple, and there are multiple windows for anyone who wants to see the world one final time before they plummet to their death.

The ceiling is high above your head, and you know that if you stood straight up, your head wouldn’t even come close to hitting the ceiling.

You can’t do that in most cars.

This whole situation would be much better if you weren’t handcuffed and possibly about to be executed or given jail time.

“Bye, Twily!” Shining exclaims as the carriage is beginning to depart.

“Say ‘hi’ to mom and dad for me!” she yells back.

“Will do!”

And your first ever flying carriage ride has begun.

==========

‘Is it still really necessary for me to be handcuffed?’ you ask yourself as you fly through the sky in Shining’s chariot.

And you suppose that it actually is. From Shining’s point of view, you are a possible psychopath, so you guess it’d make him feel better if you had limited use of your arms.

But you’re too scared to try to attack anyone. You’re thousands of feet above the ground and being pulled by two horses.

Horses.

Flying horses. Your life is in the hands - or hooves- of those two.

You need to distract yourself before you have another panic attack. And you know you will. You decide to talk to Shining.

“So, uh,” you begin, clearing your throat and getting his attention, “where is this, ‘Canterlot’ place?”

“It’s only about an hour away,” he replies. “It’s the capital of Equestria. The Princesses live there, and they wanted to meet you.”

Oh shit.

“A-and, um...” you feel yourself getting even more nervous. It’s getting warm in here. “What are they like? The Princesses, I mean.”

He smiles. “Don’t worry. You’re not in trouble. You didn’t do anything. They just wanted to meet you and talk for a little bit. They’re nice. They won’t hurt you or anything.”

You don’t feel any better.

You look out the window for a little while longer, watching the terrain far below you pass by.

The Equestrian countryside is beautiful. It’s very green and looks like it’s well taken care of.

You may as well keep the conversation going as best you can. Besides, there has been something you have been meaning to ask.

“Twilight was telling me a whole bunch of stuff about magic,” you say. “And that got me thinking, considering unicorns have magic, can’t you just fix me up? Like, cast a spell or something that’ll fix my injuries?”

“I wish,” he responds. “But no. Outside magic doesn’t sit well with the body.”

“What does that mean?”

“I’ll give you an example. If somepony got cut, and somepony else used magic to fix that cut, the magic used would not sit well with the injured ponies’ body. What would happen is something called ‘Magical Atrophy.’ Basically what happens is your organs would shut down one by one ‘cause they can’t react with outside magic, which usually causes internal bleeding and death.”

Well...

Fuck.

Not what you expected, but alright.

Guess you won’t be trying that anytime soon.

Bed rest sounds just fine to you.

==========

Shining is a pretty cool guy. Once you finished with your line of questions, he started his own.

‘Are Shining and Twilight actually related?’ you find yourself wondering.

Twilight comes across as a little more socially awkward and very scientific, so when she was talking to you earlier, it felt a lot more like an interview than anything else.

But talking to Shining legitimately feels like a conversation, and a nice one at that.

Despite the flight being an hour and a half long, you would say you enjoyed it, despite your constant paranoia. Surely someone as nice as Shining won’t kill you, right?

You feel the carriage touch down on the ground, though you were unaware you even began a descent.

“Alright!” Shining exclaims, smiling and standing up. “Here we are! Canterlot!”

The door on the side of the luxurious carriage opens and Shining wheels you out into the afternoon sunlight.

The sight before you is very different from Ponyville. Ponyville was... ‘rustic,’ you suppose is the word. It had an old-time feel to it, like a town out in the country. There was open space and farms and all that good stuff.

Not here, though.

The city, which has been identified as ‘Canterlot,’ is huge.

As far as you can see, which isn’t very far, are massive buildings and huge crowds of ponies, whether they are walking or flying or riding in carriages. You would like to see farther, but the tall buildings in front of you block your sight from the rest of the city.

The buildings are really damn big. That fact refuses to go unnoticed.

They may just seem big because you just came from a town where the largest building is three or four stories, or because ponies just look really small next to them, but whatever. It’s pretty in it’s own way, you suppose.

You’re not much of a city guy.

The spaces are cramped, it’s too crowded, and it makes you uncomfortable if you are there for extended periods of time.

Ponyville seemed like a nice fit.

If you’re going to be staying here, you hope the Princess will let you live in Ponyville.

But hopefully, you won’t be staying here. You really want to go home, and thoughts of your old house have been plaguing your mind ever since your arrival, and do not show any signs of stopping.

Shining wheels your chair around 180 degrees.

And your jaw drops.

How you missed the humungous castle is beyond you, but there it is. The massive structure stands before you, looking intimidating and beautiful and a hundred other things at the same time.

You thought the skyscrapers of Canterlot were big, but they are nothing compared to this castle. You have to look straight upwards just to see the top of the thing.

“Nice, huh?” Shining asks, noticing your stunned silence.

You nod slightly.

This city is amazing. It’s so big! But so clean! Most cities have the ability to quickly look like a rundown shithole, but this is amazing!

He chuckles. “Yeah, it’s pretty awesome. I live here, you know.”

“You live here?” you ask, not taking your eyes off the top of the castle’s tallest towers.

“Mm-hmm. Hey! Later on, I can introduce you to my wife!”

“I’d love to meet her,” you respond, wondering who Shining could have married in order for him to live in a castle?

‘Wait... if he lives here, he must be married to the Princess!... Uhm... Celestia! That was it. That was what Twilight told me. Well good for him.’

Shining begins to tell you something. You’re not entirely sure what it is because you’re not listening. Something about the Princess and the history of the Canterlot castle.

If there wasn’t so much that you had to take in all at once, you would be able to hold a conversation, but you simply sit in a stunned silence.

Shining wheels you right by a group of golden-armored unicorns and pegasi. All of them are looking straight ahead.

‘Are they mannequins?’ you wonder, doubting it is physically possible to stand like that all day.

The massive doors in front of you open, seemingly by themselves, and Shining pushes you into the interior of the grand palace.

If your eyes get any wider, they are going to explode out of your skull.

There are corinthian columns lining the walls that hold up the ceiling, glass chandeliers that hang at least 40 feet above your head, the walls look like they are made out of gold, and floor is polished so nicely you are about to go blind!

Everything is spotless.

‘Who the hell built this place?!’ you wonder, also trying to think of what kind of budget that pony must’ve head.

This is what the government does with your taxes.

You want to ask yourself how this place could possibly get any better, but you’re sure it will. You don’t know what to expect, but it’ll probably be breathtaking.

Shining continues to talk behind you, somehow assuming that you are listening. Which you are not, but you let him carry on anyway.

He could actually be saying something very important.

Oh well.

The two of you make your way through the longest hallways you have ever seen. Each of them remind you of the ‘The Shining,’ (ha!!!) and are always expecting two little girls to be standing at the end of the hallway.

But they aren’t there, and you are thankful for that.

After a few more minutes of the both of you aimlessly wandering around this massive building, you approach two massive doors. They aren’t as big as the doors to get into the castle, itself, but they’re big.

Shining does not stop as the doors open by themselves as you get close.

The interior of this room is so bright that your eyes actually begin to sting a little. You rub at them with your hands before returning your bound wrists to your lap.

‘Oh shit,’ you just now realize. ‘I’m going to meet the ruler of this country... in a hospital gown.’

You’re still wearing the same thing you have always been. Your old clothes have been destroyed, so this is the only thing you could actually wear, but it’s still improper.

You hope she doesn’t take it as a sign of disrespect.

This country still has Princesses and castles and shit, which makes you think of the Middle Ages, the Age of Chivalry.

You don’t mean to be disrespectful, as you are forced to wear this, but that doesn’t help calm you down. You’re getting very nervous again.

And this room is warmer than the others, you think.

You just now notice the inside of the room, and it’s massive. So big, in fact, that you can’t even see the other side of it.

That’s an exaggeration, of course, but nevertheless, the room is massive, and everything on the opposite side is a blur.

Sunlight pours into the room through the dozens of stained glass windows lining the side of the room. You can’t tell exactly what the stained glass windows have on them, but it looks like some crazy shit.

You’re in awe, to put it simply.

You know there are other individuals in this massive room, but you can’t hear them and you can’t see them.

Shining continues to wheel you along, and your gaze goes from one window to the next, from one side of the room to the other. This is amazing.

Every window seems to be portraying some event, though you’re not sure what. But, you don’t know Equestrian history, so you just appreciate the art.

After what feels like an hour of rolling along (and it probably was), you finally come to an abrupt stop.

At first, you didn’t even notice you stopped moving until you realized how incredibly quiet the room suddenly became. Glancing behind you, you realize Shining is no longer there.

Oh shit.

You’re exactly where you are supposed to be.

You look straight for the first time since entering the room, only to see two golden-armored grey unicorns glaring at you. Why are all the guards mad at you? What did you do? What do they want?

You get your answer as soon as you look up.

Sitting above everypony else is the closest thing to a real horse you have seen.

The first thing you notice is that she is white, and that she has a horn and wings. You have yet to see a pony with a horn and wings before, so you’re a little confused.

Her mane is blue, green, purple, and pink from top to bottom, and so is her tail, both of which seem to be floating in a gentle breeze, but you can’t feel one.

You suppose she has a hidden fan next to her or something. It is rather warm in here.

You notice the golden crown on top of her head, behind her horn. She also has four golden horseshoes and a giant golden necklace-looking-thing with a purple stone set in the middle of it.

Lastly, you notice her eyes.

They’re purple.

You wouldn’t think that such a simple thing as that would mean anything, but it does.

And all of that leaves you thinking one thing.

‘That is the most attractive horse I have ever seen.’

Not to say that you are attracted to said animal, or any animal, or ever will be. She is just a horse, after all.

She smiles softly down at you before standing up.

“Good afternoon, traveller. I am Princess Celestia.”

==========

You can see the Destrierian forces all lined up in front of you.

Well, you can kind of see them.

They’re about 300 meters away from you; close enough to see, but too far for a swordsman to have any effect. You would do anything for a gun right now. Guns may cause a lot of problems, but they can solve a lot of them as well.

‘Nervous’ is a word that can’t even begin to describe you at this moment. Your anxiety levels are higher than you ever thought possible, and you’re beginning to shake.

The shaking might just be the cold effecting you, but whatever.

How could you not feel nervous?

You are solely responsible for the lives of 80 great men - or stallions. You have gotten to know all of them over the many months you have been in the army, and you are honored to lead them into this battle. No one could ask for better soldiers anywhere in this world.

But you know some will be lost. It’s inevitable.

Battling with swords is up close and personal. If you want to kill someone, you are going to be within an arms’ reach of them and you will be able to see their face. It will be the last face you see or yours will be the last they see.

There is hardly any other way to go. Unless you’re unlucky enough to get crushed by a fallen pegasi, as Griff said.

You hope Griff is alright.

You hope Soarin and Spitfire are alright.

When the day is over, it’d be nice to sit around the fire once again with those officers you call ‘friends.’

You shake your head to clear those thoughts away. No use for them now. It’ll just distract you. You have exactly 81 individuals to worry about, and that is it.

The other 49,919 (estimated) legionnaires have their own things to worry about, and you got yours. And that is why the ranking system exists in the military. It tells you who has to worry about the most shit.

More or less.

In the distance, hundreds of yards away, you see hundreds, if not thousands of tiny specks arise from behind the Destrierien infantry.

You can only assume their cavalry has been launched.

Maximus’ legions have been lined up as follows: infantry in the front, with your century on the very far left of the line, anchoring the whole army next to a group of trees. The trees to your left can either benefit your century or allow them to sweep around and get behind you. You have to be ready for anything.

You don’t know how far the infantry stretches, but it probably goes on for a couple miles. There are a lot of you. In the very center of that long line are the 1,000 (estimated) zebra soldiers. Somewhere in the center are the two minotaurs, as well.

Which is a pity.

You really wanted to see them in action, but you can’t see that far down the line. You would love to have a minotaur fighting next to you.

Behind the infantry is the entire line of cavalry. Every pegasus and gryphon soldier Maximus has at his disposal is right behind you, but they won’t be staying.

Behind the cavalry is a row of artillery. Anypony trained to use a bow and arrow is back there, along with a dozen or so massive catapults, evenly spaced along the line from one flank to the other.

They will come in handy, no doubt.

Finally, a hundred meters or so behind the artillery, are dozens of makeshift field hospitals. Doctors and nurses have medicine and operating tables and beds all prepared as they expect there will be massive casualties.

They didn’t exactly say that, but you’re guessing by the amount of doctors at the ready that Maximus is expecting a lot of casualties.

The nearest field hospital to you is around 350 meters to your 4 o’clock. If anypony gets sliced the fuck up, they can mosey on back there.

Back to the battle.

A few commands are shouted down the line before a trumpet blares 3 times, signalling the cavalry to make a direct assault.

Thousands of pegasi and gryphons soldiers, some with armor, some without, and some with giant weapons, some with very small ones or none at all, fly directly over your head and upwards as fast as their wings can carry them.

Cheers erupt from the line of infantry as the battle is finally about to begin.

You were there when Celestia first declared war, and now you are where the first blood will be shed in it.

You watch as your friends in the sky become tiny dots thousands of feet above you.

After a few moments of watching, the dots that are your cavalry merge with their dots, and everything quickly becomes confusing.

You can’t differentiate between the two sides, but you don’t have to. You can’t fly.

After a few moments of simply watching the sky battle high above Maximus’ legions, you hear more commands shouted from behind you, and the moving around of something. You have to keep your eyes on your enemy at all times, so you don’t know what they’re doing.

But you don’t have to wait very long to find out.

Above you, hundreds of arrows fly upwards before slowly descending and raining down on your enemy.

Some light can be seen from their lines, showing which troops are unicorns and which ones are not.

Unicorns use the light in order to shield themselves from the arrows, and earth ponies use real shields.

Shields don’t always cover everything, though, so there is a decent chance the arrows took care of a few enemy soldiers. Which is good. It’s less that you have to deal with.

But the artillery barrage has just begun.

The catapults fire massive boulders hundreds of yards, and some actually manage to hit their targets. Most of the boulders overshoot or don’t go far enough, but you see one smash right into one battle group.

More cheers erupt from the line, but your Century remains silent.

The archers let loose another set of arrows.

You wonder when their infantry will attack.

‘Are they just going to stand there and take it all day?’

The best thing about fighting a defensive war as you are is that you are not obligated to move at any time.

As long as you merely exist, you are winning.

If they want this land, they gotta take it from you.

So come and get it.

From nearly a thousand feet away you hear trumpets playing and you see their infantry begin to march forward.

Thus begins the most adorable cavalry charge in history.

‘Here we go,’ you think. ‘This is what you have been waiting for.’

You used to wonder, if unicorns have magic and shit, why don’t they just shoot their opponents to kill them? It’d be easier and safer. Not to mention you could kill your opponent from the distance they are at right now, as opposed to waiting for them to get right in front of you.

And magic would put earth ponies and pegasi at a tremendous disadvantage.

But in Officer Candidate School, you learned that the magical power required to take another’s life is equal to your own. So simply, if you try to kill someone with magic, you die.

Magic is crazy sometimes. It can’t directly kill anyone or directly heal anyone, but you think it’d be able to. Well, you can technically use it to kill or heal, but someone will always end up dead.

The Destrierian forces are marching towards you, not running. You understand that they shouldn’t tire themselves out by sprinting a few hundred meters, but they are getting shat upon by arrows and rocks.

You continue to look forward, simply observing their army marching at you, occasionally you see a guy go down or one battle group begins to lag behind the others and has to catch up.

You see hundreds of specks fly into your peripheral vision.

“Shields up!” you command, noticing the hundreds of arrows that are now being fired at you.

At your command, every unicorn in your Century produces a shield made of pure energy above their heads, bathing the area around you in a blue light. Every shield an individual unicorn uses is just big enough to cover himself and that is it. Performing magic is very taxing on the body, so you’ve heard, so covering more than what is needed is a waste of energy.

You, however, do not have the ability to use magic; something you have realized from a very young age. As tragic as that may be, you have settled to use a simple bronze shield with Celestia’s golden sun painted on the front.

You almost start thinking about Celestia, but stamp those thoughts out as soon as they appear.

You can’t think about it.

Raising the shield above your head and ducking down, you brace yourself against the incoming hail of arrows.

Almost immediately, you feel multiple thuds against your shield, and can only assume what it is.

Your heart begins to beat faster and faster as you realize that a bronze circle is the only thing between you and death.

As you sit and wait for the onslaught to come to an end, you want to think. You want to do something that’ll take your mind off of what is actually happening.

But you can’t.

You need to be fully concentrated on what is happening. There can be no distractions. No matter how much your mind tries to escape, and think about her, you always pull yourself back. You have to.

After what feels like a thousand years, the storm of arrows and rocks has finally stopped.

At least, you think it has stopped. There are no more thuds against your shield or the sound of objects whizzing past your ears.

For a brief moment, all is quiet.

“Recover!” you command, standing up but keeping your shield in front of you.

Standing not 50 feet in front of you is the Destrierian army, and for the first time, you finally see what they look like.

They have silver armor, similar to yours, but theres’ is plated, whereas yours’ is segmented.

Their armor kind of reminds you of Skyrim. It almost looks like the armor that the town guards would wear.

Except for the helmets.

Quickly glancing at a few of the soldiers standing before you, you realize that none of them seem to be wearing the same model of headgear.

For the most part, you can see their faces. Some have face coverings, but most do not. Most of their helmets are simple things that merely sit on top of their head, hardly protecting anything.

Which is a great contrast to the Equestrian helmet which covers the top of the head, back of the neck, forehead, and basically everything except for the throat, eyes, nose, and ears.

So a lot of your vital areas are left exposed, but honestly, if you get stabbed in the head, you’re probably going to die, helmet or not.

Another thing you notice is that every individual soldier on the Destrierian side has a unique design on their face in green paint.

It’s kind of like being in the movie ‘Braveheart,’ but instead of blue paint, it’s green.

You see a body fall from the sky and land just behind where the Destrierians are standing, and it seems to go ignored by all for now.

The Destrierians let loose a great roar which thunders from one end of their line to the other as they bang their weapons against their shields and armor, making as much noise as physically possible.

No Equestrian moves. You all stand perfectly still, waiting for them to make their move.

Some of them begin to move as though they are about to charge, but no one actually commits. They continue to yell.

Finally, you hear a whistle blow, and in mass, the whole of the Destrierian infantry rushes forwards, their battlecry only growing in volume.

“Shield wall!” you command, moving your shield directly in front of you and bracing against a massive collision.

A line of light blue shields, made of pure energy, appear in front of your soldiers, as they too brace themselves for impact.

The Destrierians rush closer. And closer. And closer.

Until finally, you collide.

Roaring animals literally throw themselves into your shield wall, trying to dislodge or knock you over, but you prepared for this, and you hold firm.

Now that the initial rush is over and you survived it, the real fighting begins.

Somepony immediately takes a huge swing at your head, which you narrowly dodge.

You can feel your heart beating in your ears as adrenaline begins to course through you.

The sound of metal bashing against metal fills your ears as the battle truly begins. All around you are the sounds of battle. The sound of swords being swung but not hitting anything. The sound of metal tearing into flesh.

You try to ignore what is happening around you. In a battle such as this the only concern you should have is what is directly in front of you. Anything that comes within a six foot radius of you is of your concern, but nothing else.

An axe is swung at you from your side, which you manage to deflect with your shield.

You try to swing back, but come in contact with nothing.

An axe is swung at you from your left.

You block it and immediately lunge around your bronze shield, stabbing your attacker directly in his side, the sword going right through his worthless body armor.

He scrunches his face up and groans as he falls to the ground, where he stays, unmoving.

Your first kill.

No time to think about it, though.

A zebra approaches you with a sword in his mouth. He lunges the tip of the sword straight at your stomach.

You dodge to the side before punching the zebra in side of the head with your sword hand. He drops his weapon, and you take the open opportunity and stab him in the throat.

He chokes and begins to fall, so you withdraw your sword and take a defensive stance. This is only the beginning.

Some of your opponents motion as though they are going to attack, but hold themselves back. You hope your recent display was enough to intimidate them, and it appears that may very well be the case.

Your legionnaires around you continue to fight against their attackers, while you patiently wait for any opportunity that may present itself.

But opportunities like the ones you are looking for are difficult to find, so you can’t rush into things, no matter how much you want to. One mistake, and you’re dead.

End of story.

You can see movement in your peripheral vision. Behind the battle group you are currently facing is a fallen gryphon, but he is not dead. He is trying desperately to get back up, but he can’t.

It’s the same gryphon you watched fall from the sky not five minutes beforehand.

He’s alive. And you can see him struggling.

Benefits of being two feet taller than everypony else, you suppose.

You have an idea, as dumb as it may seem, but you’re going to do it anyway.

“First Century!” you shout. “Roundabout left!... Now!”

Everypony in your Century, all 320 hooves and 2 feet, begin to shuffle steadily to your left and fight around this Destrierian battle group.

You see how confused they are that you are moving around them, and they don’t seem to know what to do.

A simpler way to explain this would be to imagine a clock. You are currently standing at 6 o’clock, and Destrierians are right in the center of the clock. Right in the middle.

And the injured gryphon is at 12 o’clock.

What you’re trying to do is move from 6 o’clock, to 7, then to 8, then 9, then 10, then 11, and finally reach the gryphon. You will pick him up, and then work backwards to 6 o’clock.

At least, that’s the plan.

As long as the Destrierians stay in the center where you want them to be, you’ll be alright.

Neither of your flanks are anchored, leaving you completely exposed.

Some of Destrierians exchange glances with you and the spot that you were just occupying, not knowing what to do, exactly.

Your legionnaires keep them at bay by constantly jabbing and not letting their shields down. This is a move you have practiced dozens of times when you were training, and you know it very well.

But it’s a lot different when there is actually someone to fight against.

You suddenly realize how big of a mistake this actually was. If the Destrierians use their common sense and attack either of your sides, everyone in your Century is probably going to die.

You get about halfway there when an earth pony finally makes a move, approaching you with either a small sword or large knife in his mouth.

He makes a quick jab, which you deflect with your sword. You try to jab back, back he dodges. You slash again, but he’s too quick.

He swings at your left side, and you block with your shield. You swing at his vulnerable side, but he catches your sword with the armor he is wearing on his foreleg.

The both of you are deadlocked as neither of your weapons can be used.

You can only think of doing one thing.

You swing your face forward and headbutt the pony in the face, knocking him backwards.

Ponies have very long snouts, so headbutting is super effective.

Blood is coming out of the ponies’ nostrils as he looks around in a daze, attempting to recover.

You take your chance now that your weapon is free and stab the earth pony in his unprotected neck. You pull the sword out before he falls to the ground, and you stab him again.

You recover, finally having reached your ultimate destination.

“Grab the gryphon!” you shout.

“We got him!” somepony promptly shouts back.

“Century! Roundabout right! Move!”

Whoever is still alive begins to pivot back to their original position.

This was a terrible mistake. Sure, you got one gryphon, but how many unicorns did you lose because of this little move?

What the hell were you thinking?

You don’t want to know, but you’ll definitely find out later.

Maximus is going to be pissed.

“Double time!” you command, wanting to hook up with the Century on your right as soon as possible.

Another pony begins to advance upon you, but with one quick, threatening slash, he backs away.

At long last, after about two minutes, you reconnect with the Century on your right, and the fight resumes once more.

‘Lucky’ cannot even begin to describe you right now. Anything could have gone wrong, and you’re thankful that everything is back in its’ proper place again.

If that move of yours failed, shit would have gone downhill fast.

A unicorn, levitating a great sword that may be taller than you are approaches slowly and confidently.

You can’t help but feel intimidated by the incredible size of the thing, but bigger isn’t always better in situations like these.

The unicorn levitates the sword high above his head before bring it down.

You raise your shield to block it, but the force of the impact on the shield almost knocks you over.

You manage to stay on your feet.

He smirks as he raises the massive weapon above his head once more. He brings it down hard, aiming for the top of your head.

You see this coming, and manage to get out of the way, but the sword cuts your arm on the way down.

The force the unicorn used was so great that the sword embedded itself halfway into the Earth.

Before he gets a chance to pull it out, you jab the defenseless unicorn in the throat. He chokes and sputters as he desperately grabs the open wound in his neck.

You slash his neck again for good measure, and he collapses, still choking and writhing on the cold ground.

A zebra, elaborately decorated with green paint, calmly moves in front of you. He has a rather large headdress made of feathers on top of his simple kettle cap.

It’s a strange look, but you won’t judge.

You assume said zebra is their captain, on account of the fact he has a three starred insignia on the front of his helmet, just below the feathered headdress.

You’re up for a good officer battle.

He wastes no time in trying to kill you, as he viciously slashes at your face. You were not expecting such an attack, as you are two feet taller than him, so you assumed he would go for the legs or stomach, as most of the others have.

His attack takes you by surprise, and you raise your shield to block, but it is much too late.

The tip of his sword hits your forehead, but is stopped by your helmet. He drags the sword blade down your face and across your left eye and to the middle of your cheek.

‘Fuck! Fuck!’ you shout in your head, actually being injured for the first real time since the battle started. You have some minor scratches and bruises from your other attackers, but this is the most serious one thus far.

You shut your eye tightly and reflexively move backwards.

In the brief second that you are not fully paying attention, the zebra swings at your legs, and manages to give your calf a nice, deep cut.

Your leg almost gives out as you swear out loud, cursing anything and everything you see. But you remain standing.

You quickly recover yourself, realizing that this guy will not be as easy as the others were to bring down. He is skilled.

You swing at him, which he easily blocks. He tries to swing back at you, but this time you and your shield are ready.

You swing.

Blocked.

You swing again.

Blocked.

You swing again.

He dodges.

You swing again, and finally, you manage to touch the tip of your sword against his chest.

You didn’t stab him or damage him in any physical way, but at least you touched him, and that counts for something, you think. It helped get your confidence up, anyway.

Something in your peripheral vision goes down, but you can’t be concerned with that. At least, not right now. If you want to survive, you have to remain completely focused on what is in your zone.

And this painted zebra is in your zone.

It’s just you and him, now.

He yells at you in a foreign language that you cannot understand as he glances down at himself and then back up at you again.

‘He’s taunting you.’

You figured as much, but you will not let him get in your head. That’s the quickest way to lose.

He swings at your face again, but you expect it this time, and block him with your shield.

You bring down your sword hard, and he barely manages to stop your attack with the sword in his mouth.

Noticing that you got him on the ropes, you press your advantage.

You swing again. And again. And again. And again.

He manages to block every single one, but his resolve is weakening.

He expects another swing from your sword, surely enough, so you decide to swing with your shield.

His eyes go wide as he sees the bronze circle rapidly approach his face, and it hits him hard.

He stumbles around for a brief second, his eyes shut tightly, and blood coming from his nose and mouth.

You extend your leg as fast as you can and deliver a hard kick right under the zebra’s chin. His head violently snaps back and he falls to the ground.

You shout in anger as you raise your shield above your head, and bring it down with all your might onto the zebra’s unprotected throat, nearly cutting his head completely off.

You stand and recover.

Their captain is dead.

When a superior officer is killed in front of all of their troops, it does terrible things to their morale, so it was good you won that one, for many reasons.

A few guys motion as though they are about to attack you, and you glare at them, daring them with your eyes to come and get you.

The opposing soldiers glance at you, then to their dead captain, then back at you again, then around to their comrades.

They don’t know what to do.

They begin to walk slowly backwards and away from you.

‘Are they retreating?’

Maybe. But should you pursue?

No. Probably not. You already made one decision that almost got two Centuries wiped out, so it’s best if you just wait for Captain Sparrow’s orders.

You look down the long line of fighting infantry.

Almost all of their soldiers are beginning to back away.

…

They are retreating.

But the Century to your right is still engaged, but you can take care of that, you think.

“Forward, march!” you command as loudly as possible.

At your command, your entire Century marches towards the Destrierians to your right, and as soon as they see you coming at them, they too begin to back away.

Arrows once again fly over your heads and rain down upon the Destrierians, who are heading in the wrong direction. The arrows and boulders that are launched cut even more of them down as you watch.

All of the Equestrian infantry cheer as they turn tail and run, and upon looking up, you see that even their cavalry is leaving.

Everypony cheers at the first of hopefully many Equestrian victories.

Including you.

==========

It seems the battle is over. And you are alive. Both of those are good, so you should be happy. But you’re not.

You don’t feel anything. You should be feeling something, but everything is just too fresh in your mind for you to be able to properly think about it.

It’s probably for the best that you don’t think about it. Being as emotionless as possible in circumstances such as these is a wise move.

If you think about it too much, you’ll drive yourself insane.

Now is not the time for you to reflect. Now is the time to check up on your soldiers. You have soldiers in the field hospital, no doubt. Every unit probably does.

You enter the large tent, observing the sickening sight before you.

Mutilated ponies, and one or two injured gryphons lie on various beds and tables or on the floor. Wherever there is room.

Winter is probably the hardest season to fight in, you think. It is freezing, so it’s hard to concentrate. The ground is hard and uncomfortable. It’s very hard to move through the snow, if there is any.

And that would possibly explain why there are so many more casualties than you originally thought there would be.

It feels as though your heart has stopped beating.

The sight before you is truly horrifying.

You shake your head to clear your thoughts and try to remember how to breathe again. You begin looking around for anypony you know.

You’re not exactly sure who you should be looking for. If any of your soldiers are injured, this is where they’d be. But you don’t even know if you have anyone injured. You just assumed.

Your gaze goes from one bed or table to the next.

Finally, you see somepony looking straight at you. You don’t recognize this particular unicorn, with a grey coat, silver mane, and blue eyes, but he’s looking at you.

Or through you.

His stare is ice cold, and it feels as though the temperature dropped another 20 degrees somehow.

He’s looking right through you, eyes wide, and you’re looking back, unable to move. Unable to breathe. Unable to speak.

A nurse walks by, pulling a blanket over his face.

You feel like you can finally breathe again.

Maybe it’s best if you leave. You don’t recognize anypony or gryphon here, so your business is done.

You’ll return later for a double check.

“Take a seat right over there,” a doctor says.

You look down and see a brown unicorn stallion wearing a hat with a red cross on the front of it. He is gesturing with a hoof to the far side of the tent where multiple chairs are lined up.

“I’ll be with you in a moment.” He walks away.

‘Was he talking to me?’ you wonder. You think he was, but you’re not sure. Why was he talking to you?

‘I’m fine.’

You glance down at yourself.

‘Oh shit. No I’m not.’

You’re leg is very bloody, and most of it is yours. There is a large cut along your calf, and you suddenly remember it was their captain that gave it to you. It’s still bleeding a little.

Your eyes begins to sting along where the dead zebra cut you earlier. You touch below your eye with a hand and look at it, seeing some blood on your fingers.

‘Guess I didn’t feel it until now,’ you think. ‘Adrenaline is crazy.’

Well, you’ve been walking and talking and fighting ever since you got slashed a couple times, so you’re fine. What are a few cuts, anyway?

You leave.

==========

“Finally!” Mace exclaims. “I’ve had to shit for two hours!” He takes off his helmet and tosses it on the ground.

Now that the battle is over, you returned to your camp. A couple legions are still on the field in case the Destrierians try another quick attack, but luckily, yours is not among them. Which is nice.

You could use a quick break.

You sit on a log in front of a pit as Sherman prepares a fire. From where you’re sitting, the battlefield can easily be seen, along with the thousands of bodies that lie on the ground. You’re not sure of the exact casualty numbers at the moment, but you’ll find out how many you personally lost when you take roll call tonight.

“Why didn’t you just go on the field?” Pike asks, sitting across from you.

Mace looks incredulously. “What the hell, dude? What? Were you raised in a barn?”

Pike just sort of looks at him.

Mace trots off in search of a more proper place to crap.

“Agh!” Pike groans. “Shit. I’ll be right back.” He gets up and heads towards the general direction of his tent.

Sherman looks up. “What was that about?” he asks you.

You shrug.

Sherman pulls out his lighter, lights it up, and holds it against the base of the stack of logs where all the grass and leaves and small sticks sit.

“Hey, Lieutenant?” he asks. You look up, waiting for him to continue. “Can I ask you something?”

You nod. “Yeah.” You release a breath. “Yeah, go ahead.”

“It’s kind of personal.”

“Is it about me?”

“Uh-huh.”

“It’s alright. Go ahead.”

He blows on the small fire he now has going. “I, uh... I was reading the paper...”

Yep. You know where this is going. You figured it would.

“I saw the article.”

You bet he did.

“Are you two broken up?”

You shake your head slowly, looking at the ground. “I don’t know, man... I guess.”

There a few moments of silence, and the first crackle from the fire is heard.

You look to your far left, and just outside the camp, you see a large group of Destrierian soldiers. However, they are unarmed, no longer wearing any armor, and are surrounded by legionnaires.

Nothing boosts morale than seeing a bunch of hopeless POWs.

“You can stay with me,” Sherman says, still tending to the fire. “That is, if you want to. See, I got an extra bedroom in my apartment, and I live all by myself.”

You think about it for only a moment. “Thanks Sherman. I might just be taking you up on that.”

You don’t know if you actually will move in with him or not. You’re not really thinking about that right now.

You’re not really thinking about anything at all.

You’re mind is blank.

“If you’re gonna move in, though, we’re gonna need to go to NAIDA,” he says. “I doubt I have any chairs that fit you, let alone a bed.”

NAIDA is basically the pony equivalent of IKEA. It’s where everypony goes for their furniture needs.

You smile for the first time all day. “Thanks, Sherman. That means a lot.”

He shrugs like it’s no big deal, but he’s smiling. You can see it. “Ah, no problem, buddy. It gets pretty lonely there, anyway.”

Sherman stands up from the fire and sits down on the log next to yours. He begins to poke at the fire with a stick, moving some pieces of firewood around, allowing the flames to grow.

You glance over at Sherman, and see red dots all over his face and the front of his armor. His coat is yellow, and the red contrasts easily with it.

You notice for the first time that he is injured. There is a long, red slash running across his flank, right over his cutie mark.

“You should get that checked out,” you say, pointing to his cutie mark, which has been cut in half.

He glances at you, then at himself, and chuckles as he goes back to tending the fire. “Yeah. I’ll get right on that.”

“I’m serious. That could get infected.”

“I’m fine, Lieutenant. Really. I can still move around just fine and I can barely feel it.” Before you can retort, he continues. “Actually! I change my mind. I’ll go if you go.”

“But I don’t need to go.”

“Hmm. Your leg says otherwise.”

Well... He’s right.

You’re not a fan of hospitals, and everypony knows it, but that is hardly a reason not to go to one. Especially after you have suffered an injury like the ones you or Sherman have.

Maybe you’re afraid.

You saw that pony earlier who was staring that lifeless stare into your soul. And it frightened you.

Besides, you’re surrounded by death enough as it is. It wouldn’t help you any to go a tent where all dead and dying ponies end up.

No. You’ll just sit by the fire next to your friend.

“That’s alright,” you say, looking at the fire. “We can just chill like we used to.”

He takes a deep breath before pulling out a cigar. “Good.” He lights it up and takes a few puffs.

“Were you carrying that in your armor?” you ask.

He nods before pulling out another one. “Want one?”

“No. No, man, I’m good.”

“Suit yourself.”

After only a few more seconds, Pike comes walking back.

“Where did you go?” you ask.

“To get my sheath,” he responds, taking off his helmet and putting it on the ground. “I don’t know how I forgot the damn thing, but I kept getting a strong urge to put my sword away, and I couldn’t because I didn’t have this thing.”

You should probably scold him on being a dumbass, but you don’t say anything. It’s been a long day, and you would love for it to end.

“Sweet merciful Jesus!” a voice loudly exclaims as it approaches you. “That was the biggest poop I’ve ever taken, I swear.” Mace walks over and takes a seat on the log across from you. “You guys won’t believe this: So I get to the outhouses, and there is a line, right? But I see this guy left his tent flap open, so I-”

“Shut up shut up shut up!” Pike yells, falling backwards. “I am so sick of your disgusting stories! What the hell is wrong with you?!”

“Wait! I’m not done-”

“I don’t care! Just be quiet! I’m really tired, man! So just be quiet for five minutes!”

Mace glares at Pike, clearly upset that he cannot tell his story. “Hey, Pike!” he shouts, even though they are right next to each other. Pike looks up. “Do you like dragons? ‘Cause in a minute, I’mma be ‘dragon’ my balls across your face.”

“What the actual fuck is wrong with you? Did you not get enough oxygen in the womb? Were you dropped on your head?”

“A couple times,” Mace nods. There is a brief moment of silence, where the crackling of the fire is heard along with the hustle and bustle of camp life. “Woah woah woah... Cappy, I got a question.”

You take a deep breath and look up at Mace, who looks extraordinarily worried.

“What’s that area between your balls and your asshole called?”

Sherman and Pike lookup.

“Is that supposed to be a joke, or something?” Pike asks.

“No! It’s a legitimate question!”

“Shut up, idiot!”

“What if I get stabbed or shot there?! What am I supposed to tell my family?!”

“Tell your family you’re a dumbass.”

There is another moment of silence as all four of you look right into the fire. Each of you alone with your thoughts.

Your three friends look as though they are in some deep contemplation.

“Well,” Sherman begins, cutting everyone off from their unpleasant thoughts. “I was saving these for later, but now is as good a time as any.”

He levitates three cigars out of his armor and gives one to each of you.

“We all made it out this time, fellas,” he says. “All four of us. I don’t know what is going to happen next, but I suppose that ain’t up to me. I just thought, that maybe for the last time, all four of us could enjoy a nice reunion around the fire, ‘cause it may be one of our last.”

You wish you could deny his claims, but he’s right. There are four of you, so there is a pretty good chance that at least one of you is going to be killed or critically injured.

“I don’t smoke,” Pike says.

“Then chew on it.”

Mace puts his cigar in his mouth and Sherman lights it up for him.

You just hold the thing in your hands, looking at it. Observing every single inch of the thing.

“I love you guys,” Mace says, exhaling. “I really do.”

“Same here,” Pike practically whispers, staring at the fire.

All of you stare at it once more, alone with your thoughts again.

You tuck your new cigar inside of your chest armor. May as well save it for later when you go on picket duty.

You hope Griff will be there, again.

You think about Griff. You think about Soarin and Spitfire. You really hope they are alright. A gryphon fell from the sky earlier, and you picked him up.

You hope that wasn’t Griff. You hope Griff made it out okay. Soarin and Spitfire too.

It’d be nice to sit around the fire with them again. You wouldn’t even have to talk. Just being around them again, knowing they’re alive, is really all you want.

Before you can turn to go deeper into your troubled mind, trumpets blare throughout the camp, causing you to look up.

Across the battlefield stands the Destrierian army, but significantly smaller than they were before.

“Son of a bitch!” Sherman yells, strapping on his helmet. “I just made the fucking fire!”

Mace quickly throws his cigar in the snow, stomps on it, and grabs his helmet.

“Form up!” you yell, moving towards your assigned position in the line. “Form up!”

==========

The snow on the field has basically all melted. All the body heat produced and the blood spilt has melted most of it away.

You would like to be able to say that can see the grass, but that’s a lie. You ground is red and there are bodies all over the place, as no one had time to remove them.

There are no wounded remaining, though. At least, none that you can see. Anyone who was alive either walked themselves off or got carried away. Including some Destrierians, and they quickly became the first POWs of the war.

There are more bodies than you originally thought, and they all seemed to be grouped in one giant clump right in front of your line. Destrierians and Equestrians and Gryphons lay scattered across the field.

Most the infantry dead are right in front of you. All the cavalry’s casualties are spread all over the place.

So basically, anywhere anyone looks on the field, there is a dead body or two. Or three. Or more. Probably more.

In fact, lying just in front of you is a pegasus wing. It’s blue... and red. Mostly red.

You hear the sound of thousands of hooves marching in sync, and see the Destrierian army begin their march forward.

Their general has to be retarded to try and do this again. The last time they just charged at you didn’t work very well.

But hey! Maybe if you do the exact same thing again, except this time your soldiers are exhausted and demoralized, you’ll win!

You don’t see the logic behind this situation, but if they really want to get slaughtered so bad, so be it.

You still have plenty of energy left in you, and your Century definitely does after what just happened. Morale is very high right now, so you do not envy the Destrierians.

The Equestrian cavalry doesn’t even wait for their cavalry to launch this time and simply heads out for an air assault once the Destrierians begin moving.

Once again, pegasi and gryphons fly right over your head, carrying large rocks, swords, knives, or whatever they think will get the job done, and head straight for the approaching army.

As you watch them fly over, you hear the first real order you have gotten in this war.

“Forward!” Captain Sparrow yells from behind you, and you can hear the same order being given all down the long line of infantry.

“Forward!” you command, pointing your sword straight out in front of you, just in case someone doesn’t know exactly where ‘forward’ is. “March!”

The entire Equestrian infantry force moves forward, leaving the artillery unprotected, but you guess Maximus is confident that they will be just fine.

Every soldier marches in nearly perfect synchronization towards the oncoming army, except for you. You only have two legs.

You see the Equestrian and Gryphon cavalry rapidly approach their targets, completely uncontested. No cavalry from the Destrierians have been launched to stop them.

You step over a body.

The moment they are over their designated targets they release large rocks and let them fall onto the infantry, marching nearly defenselessly below.

The unicorns and earth ponies on their side try to shield, but you notice it’s not always working. Some of them falter before being crushed.

The Destrierian cavalry just now begins to rise up from behind their lines and engage the Equestrians and Gryphons, who immediately begin climbing higher into the sky, possibly in an attempt to tire their opponents.

Their cavalry is much smaller now, you notice.

You step over another body.

Both armies continue to march towards each other, slowly getting closer and closer.

And closer.

There is no stopping this time, though, as both armies smash head on into each other.

One pony continues to maintain eye contact with you as he gets closer and closer. You know he is going to attack you, so you wait for it. A good defense is a great offense.

The earth pony rushes at you, axe in mouth, before rising to his hindlegs. He brings down the axe hard but you easily deflect it off your shield. You quickly reach under with your sword and stab him in his stomach.

You push your shield out which causes your opponent to go flying backwards.

You recover and take a defensive stance.

All around you the sounds of battle are heard once again. Metal against metal. Metal against flesh. Screams of anger and pain.

You await for your next challenger to approach you.

You glance quickly back and forth along the three or four ponies fighting in front of you. Any of them could attack you at any moment, so you have to know who and when.

A unicorn to your left tries to sweep your ankles, but you lower your shield fast enough to block him. You try to swing at him while he is vulnerable, but he dodges.

The legionnaire directly to your right falls. His attack prepares to bring down his sword.

You slash your short sword across his chest, but his armor is thick and you do no damage. As a quick follow up, you swing your shield, hitting him in the side and sending him flying down the line.

The fallen legionnaire gets up and resumes the fight.

A zebra in front of you quickly spins around and bucks your shield hard with his hind legs. You stumble back a little, but recover.

The same zebra stands in front of, dagger in mouth, hopping around excitedly, looking for a place on you to make a strike.

He spins around to kick you again.

You see this coming, however, and quickly sidestep. His legs lash out, but connect with nothing, causing him to fall.

You stab him in his back and recover.

Immediately, another earth pony comes at you, leaping over the just-slain zebra and brings his sword down.

You block his sword with yours as he touches back down on the ground. You raise a knee up quickly, hitting him under the jaw.

He quickly backs up and spits out some blood. Before you can pursue him, he turns around and walks to the back of his line, rubbing his face with a forehoof.

You take your stance once again.

A unicorn, his face completely covered in the green paint, approaches you, levitating a sword a little bigger than your own.

He makes a quick jab at your stomach, which is blocked by your shield.

Before you can make a counterattack, he swings at your left side, and have to block again.

Again, before you can react, he swings at your right, and you block once again.

This goes on and your heart beats faster and faster as his swings get closer to hitting home. You quickly think of when an opportune time to strike would be.

He swings to your right side once more.

You block his swing this time with your sword, and quickly hit him in the face with your shield.

He stumbles backwards in a daze.

You plunge your sword deep into his eye, blood coming out as he screams in pain.

You place a foot against his chest, kick out, and pull the sword, dislodging it from his skull. He immediately collapses.

You recover.

Another unicorn begins to move towards you.

“Shields! Shields! Shields!” you hear a familiar voice shout above the chaos of battle.

The unicorn swings and you block.

‘Why would I need to shield?’ you wonder. ‘I’m in the middle of battle.’

You make a quick thrust, which is deflected by the unicorn.

No sooner does that happen than you feel an incredible pain erupting from your left thigh, almost causing you to fall over. Your mouth opens, but you don’t make a sound.

You look down and see the back half of an arrow sticking out of your leg.

You can feel it. Very well. And it hurts. You move a hand to touch it, for whatever reason.

The bronze shield strapped to your arm accidentally touches the arrow, causing it to move inside of you. You mouth opens as if to scream, but nothing comes out at all.

You fall to your right knee, your injured thigh still above the ground.

“F-f-f... fuck...” you mumble in pain.

Looking straight ahead of you, you see the unicorn who was just trying to kill you lying on the ground, an arrow in his head and his lower neck.

You feel another arrow rip through your shoulder armor and pierce your right shoulder. You can feel the arrowhead poking its’ way out of your armpit.

The pain in your thigh suddenly seems bearable, but the pain in your shoulder is ten times worse than anything you were just feeling.

You grab your shoulder armor, just below where the arrow is sticking out, being careful not to actually touch the damn thing.

It has suddenly become very difficult to stay upright, as you are feeling extraordinarily dizzy and very tired all of a sudden.

You fall backwards, and lay unmoving on your back. You stare straight up, seeing a few pegasi flying about high above you.

Another arrow pierces right through your armor and goes into your stomach, just a few inches to the right of your belly button.

The sudden pain causes you to sit up, but only for a second, as you soon flop back down again.

You try to scream or say something, but you can’t. Breathing is hard enough without actually trying to make words.

You can taste blood.

More arrows continue to rain down, but none are hitting you now. You wonder, who could possibly be firing them? Who the hell fires arrows when infantry in directly engaged?!

Someone yells out your name. You don’t know who, though.

The space directly above you becomes blue, and you see an arrow bounce off the surface of the blue light.

Something grabs onto you and begins to drag you backwards somewhere, but you don’t know where exactly. You’re still looking straight up.

The light above you flickers and fades and the grip on you is suddenly released, but it returns a few seconds later.

You drop your sword and unstrap yourself from the shield. It’s just dead weight anyway, and you’re sick of holding onto it.

After several long minutes of being dragged across the hard ground, grass, and some small patches of snow, you hear cheering erupt from the lines of infantry.

You don’t know what’s happening, but you hope it’s good. It’d be a shame if all of your hard work went for nothing.

After another long few minutes, you hear many voices, but mainly groans. The vision above you is no longer blue, but white, as you enter into some giant, open tent.

“Here! Put him here!”

You are hoisted up and deposited onto a table. Immediately, somepony sets to work removing your armor, starting with your helmet.

It’s too loud in the tent to hear anything entirely, but you manage to catch bits and pieces of what someponies are saying.

“...sedative...”

“...arrows...internal bleeding...immediately...”

None of those words are anything you particularly want to hear, but oh well. You hardly have a choice in the matter.

You stop concentrating on everypony’s conversations and focus on the pain in your thigh, shoulder, and stomach. Maybe if you think hard enough, the pain will go away.

A doctor comes over and sticks his face in your field of view. He has a brown coat and a black mane. His eyes are yellow.

“You’re going to be alright.”

==========

Written by - ScatMan2001

Edited by- Wolfton

Special thanks to my new editor. For all of you that are not only pleased with this newest chapter, but also that my story is back, give a big ol' thank you to Wolfton.

Chapter 10: Coming Back

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What should you say?

Royalty has just greeted you, so you should definitely say something. Anything! But that’s much easier said than done, as you are absolutely terrified.

How can you not be?

This massive room is full of guards who look like they want to hurt you. And why? You didn’t do anything to them. You don’t even know them! Why are they still glaring at you?!

Shining, who you have only known for about an hour and a half, and is the only being in this city that you may be able to call a ‘friend,’ has swiftly abandoned you. He is no where to be seen.

Not that you are specifically looking for him right now. You’re not even trying to.

When you were younger and saw a horror movie at night, or anything that frightened you, it was much harder to fall asleep that night. There was this feeling you got when you were so scared you couldn’t even move. So you just stayed in place, looking around your dark room with only your eyes, terrified.

You would say a similar feeling has settled upon you.

You’re too afraid to look behind you and see if Shining is still around, and you’re too afraid to look directly left or right.

So you settle for just looking at the Princess, who is raised high above where you are seated.

She is looking softly down at you, which is kind of relaxing, but still pretty scary. What does she want with you?! No one even told you why you are here!

Twilight just told you that she wanted to meet you. For what? Why would the ruler of the country want to meet you? And why did it have to be today? Couldn’t a simple meeting wait until you weren’t injured and exhausted?

You guess this isn’t a simple meeting, then, if it is so urgent. But then what the hell do they want with you?

You hear a male voice loudly and impatiently clear his throat.

You hesitantly glance down for just a second at the grey unicorn guards, who are still glaring at you.

‘It’s like they get paid to stand there and look at people in the most disgruntled way physically possible,’ you observe.

And you’re probably right when you say that too. You wouldn’t doubt it. Since you first saw the guards in the hospital a couple hours ago, they’ve looked incredibly pissed.

These aren’t the same guards as earlier, of course, which leads you to conclude that these guys get paid to look angry and stand there.

Doesn’t sound like a terrible job.

And they all look the same.

You’re not racist, but every guard you have seen looks exactly the same as the next one. For all you know, this country only has 4 royal guards, and they are just constantly moving around when you’re not paying attention to give the illusion that there are more.

You look back up at Princess Celestia, who is just standing there, smiling.

The guard clears his throat once more.

‘What the hell do you want?’ you wonder. ‘Go get a drink of water if your throat is bothering you that much.’

Looking down, you realize that the guards look pissed. Which is no different from how they usually are, it seems, but it makes you feel like you have done something wrong.

Oh shit. Yep. You’re not just doing something wrong, you’re doing everything wrong! This is not how you greet royalty!

Not only are you poorly dressed for the occasion, but you have done nothing but stare and not speak!

What should I do?! What should I DO?!

You’re not sure! Twilight was going to tell you proper etiquette this morning, but that clearly did not happen. Shit! If only she had!

You have no idea what to do. There are about a million things that could go wrong in the next 20 seconds, and only a dozen or so things that could go right. You’re too afraid to move.

‘What should I do?!... Uhm… Wait, what does everyone do when they meet royalty? Bow! Bow you fool!’

You want to listen to your thoughts, but that is easier said than done, as there is one small problem when it comes to movement.

You are in a chair. And you have a large amount of injuries all over your body, especially your back, which is in a considerable amount of pain.

‘If you don’t want to die, than bow, you moron!’

You decide to give it a go, anyway, and hesitantly bow. However, ‘bow’ is used rather loosely, as you basically just lean forward slightly in the wheelchair. You lean far forward enough to show respect, but not too far as to fall out.

You should probably stand up. That would be much more proper and respectful.

Can you stand up?

‘If you don’t want to have your fingers or tongue cut off, then you will!’

Which would you prefer? Your fingers or your tongue?

Important questions.

You don’t know. You enjoy having the ability to speak, and life without a tongue would feel incredibly strange. However, you also like having the ability to touch and move things.

This is tough.

It’s time to get up. You place both hands on the armrests on either side of you and begin to push.

Your arms are sore and your legs are killing you, but it will be over soon. The sooner you get up, the sooner you can get back down.

“Wait,” a gentle, authoritative voice commands, stopping you. You look up at the source of the voice, which would be the only female in the room. “You do not have to stand, traveller. You are injured.”

You would smile if you weren’t so scared, so you just sit back down, allowing your muscles to rest once more.

“But I appreciate the sentiment,” she adds after a moment.

Hearing her say that makes you happy, or ‘happier,’ you suppose. There is no way you will ever feel comfortable in this room, ever.

They could keep you in here with all of these guards for the rest of your life and you would still hate it. You guarantee it.

Questions as to why you are even here begin flooding into your mind.

Sure, you’re not from around here, and that’s pretty crazy, but this is the equivalent of meeting the President of the United States with angry looking Marines all around him. Not exactly the best of welcomes.

Do they want something from you? ‘Cause you don’t know shit.

You don’t know how you got here, why multi-colored miniature horses are talking, or… anything! You don’t know anything that they could possibly find as useful information! You’re probably more clueless than they are.

You glance back at the guards for the thousandth time since you’ve gotten here. Which was about 45 seconds ago. What the hell do they want from you?!

“May I ask you your name?” the giant white horse asks, making your heart leap in your chest out of surprise.

Your throat is incredibly dry all of a sudden. Should you ask for water? Would someone get you a drink if you asked nicely?

Why is it so warm in here? Have you been sweating this entire time?

You choke out your name as though this was the first time you have ever said the word. You clear your throat and say your name again, being sure to end your sentence with a respectful, “Your Highness.”

“Where are you from?” she asks, repeating your name.

Are you supposed to look directly at the Princess when she is speaking, or keep your eyes on the ground?

You don’t know.

Should you look at the guards again?

Probably not. Those bastards probably look as angry as ever, and looking back at them will do nothing for your nerves.

You look up at the Princess, who is looking back at you, one of her eyes being concealed by her multi-colored, moving hair. You look at the ground in front of you, noticing how shiny the floor is. It’s spotless! You can see the roof in the floor!

There is even a waterfall on the side of the throne! How cool is that?!

It feels as though every eye in the world is being directed at you, and you feel incredibly vulnerable.

You don’t even know why those guards are scaring you so bad. Shining is in charge of them, and he’s one of your only friends!

Remembering that Celestia asked a question quite some time ago, you attempt to process a proper response…

Before you are interrupted.

“Would you like to take a tour?” a female voice asks. You look up and see the Princess walking down her throne and towards you.

You glance at the floor before looking back up at her again, feeling incredibly nervous with the close proximity of the ruler of this magical land.

She smiles at you. “It was rude of me to bring you in here so suddenly without showing you around or offering you anything.” She stops when she is right in front of you, and she looks a lot bigger up close than she did on the throne. She leans in so her head is closer to yours, and you can see her purple eyes very well from this point. “There is no need to be nervous,” she whispers, saying your name. “My guards will not even think of touching you.”

This is the first time you have smiled since you began talking with the Princess. She seems pretty nice. And it especially calms you knowing that her guards aren’t gonna do anything to you.

Usually when you first meet someone, you smile out of politeness and laugh at a couple bad jokes or whatever. Common ice-breaker stuff.

But this is hardly an ordinary meeting. This is the ruler of a country, who happens to be a talking, magical, flying horse.

What the hell could possibly be ordinary about that?

So instead of awkwardness setting in, you felt fear. A lot of it.

Now that the white winged horse is next you, you realize just how big she actually is. She towers over you, and everyone else in the room, for that matter. Her hair in incredibly long, her horn looks larger than it probably is, and her wings, you imagine, are probably huge when she unfurls them.

‘Stop staring at the Princess you moron!’

“Would you like somepony to push you?” she asks.

You’re confused for a second, but then remember you’re in a wheelchair. It would have been weird if some guy just comes up to you and pushes you over.

“N-No,” you stutter out. “I can do it myself.”

She begins walking to the front of the room where you originally came in, which seems to be a mile away from where you are now. You grab one wheel and push while holding the other in place, spinning yourself around before moving to catch up with the Princess.

Two golden guards quickly move to her sides, startling you slightly with their quickness, and making you nervous once more, but that only lasts for a moment.

“You two may stay here,” Celestia says to the two guards without looking at them. She just keeps her eyes forward.

The guards were clearly not expecting her to say that. They stop walking, glance at each other, then hurry to catch up with their leader.

“Princess,” one of them begins, “that is not a good idea. For your protection, we-”

“I am able to protect myself, should I have to. And to put your mind at ease, I shall stay in the hallways.” Both of the guards stop walking and simply watch you and Celestia get further to the end of the room. “Besides, I believe I can handle myself against an invalid.”

She probably could, but you’re not gonna test it. You’ll just take her word for it. There’s probably a reason she runs this country, but you don’t want to find out why.

All she would have to do really is push you over and the fight is done. That is, if you were going to start a fight with her. Which you are not. You don’t want to fight anybody. Especially not right now.

The both of you exit the throne room.

==========

“Twilight has told me quite a bit about you,” she says as the both of you venture through the halls, every once in a while passing by a guard who is just standing there.

Now that you feel comfortable with looking at Celestia, as she is not looking at you and there is no one looking menacingly towards you, you notice a couple obvious things.

Her height, for one thing. It may just be because you’re sitting down, but even if you weren’t, you bet she is pretty damn tall. Especially taller than any other horse you have seen.

When those two guards ran up to her, they were quite a bit shorter than her, probably by a couple of feet.

She is also large. Her body length goes on for quite a bit, but, she is a horse after all.

However, despite her actually being a horse, she doesn’t really look like one. Not really.

Horses are taller and larger than even her. Not to mention that most horses you know from where you are from cannot speak. And they smell terrible.

Celestia smells like vanilla and whole bunch of other pleasing scents. And her hair is different.

Horses just have regular hair, but hers is a whole bunch of different colors and it’s still moving.

Which is quite surprising. You thought she had a fan next to her, originally, but you don’t see one anymore out in this hallway. Which is pretty freaky, but it looks really cool. You wonder what it feels like.

She has a giant tattoo - er, ‘cutie mark,’ of the sun on her butt (not that you were looking). Those little fillies told you that a cutie mark showed what a pony was meant to do with their life. So what does the sun mean?

It could mean a whole bunch of things. For example, it could mean she is the light of the country, for every citizen to look up to and follow and praise. Or, it could mean that she throws ponies at the sun with her magic. One is much different from the other.

You don’t know her very well at this point, so it would be best to keep all of your assumptions to yourself for the time being.

Celestia also looks incredibly young. Not that you really know what an old horse looks like, but her voice sounds youthful, yet experienced. She seems to walk and move around just fine.

When you look at her, you don’t think ‘old.’ You assume the opposite, really, but you’re not gonna ask her what her age is. That’s not polite.

If your assumption is correct, then she must have come into power fairly recently, what with how young she is.

So basically, she is a horse. That much you can see. But at the same time, she isn’t. She is shaped like a horse, but doesn’t really look like one. You can’t explain it. Does that make sense?

Kinda.

Remembering that she began talking to you quite some time ago, you respond.

“Really?” you ask before clearing your throat. “What did she say, exactly?”

Your body feels warm all over again. If Twilight wrote something and the princess took it the wrong way, she could be marching you to your death. Or a prison. Who knows?

“It’s nothing bad,” she says, chuckling a bit, probably at your nervous look. “Twilight is very scientific. She hardly gives her opinion on letters such as these, so there is no reason to be nervous.”

Well that’s certainly a good thing to hear. If Twilight didn’t tell her anything personal about you, then the Princess has no idea who you are, really. On a personal level, at least. Which means you get a clean slate with her.

Which is awesome. Who knows what the Princess may have assumed if Twilight actually talked about you.

Considering she talked to you for so long, you would have just assumed she wrote something about your personality in the letter. Apparently not.

Twilight is weird. Unpredictable, really, but not in a bad way.

“That’s good,” you respond, pushing on your wheels to propel yourself down the clean hallway. “If she didn’t tell you what she thought of me, then what did she write, Princess?”

“I am assuming she…” she looks around. “Oh, how should I phrase this? I assume she probably… ‘interviewed’ you recently?” She looks down at you.

You smile a bit at the memory. “Yes, Princess.” Her interview was hardly personal, even though the questions were. “‘Scientific’ is a very good way to describe Twilight, if I may say so.”

“She always has been,” Celestia smiles. “She told me things like where you are from and what you eat. Such simple facts do not need to be written in a five-page report, but that is what she prefers.”

God damn. Five pages after asking you a few simple questions. You could hardly write a five page report on anything back in school, but Twilight can after knowing you for a day.

That mare is crazy.

As the both of you venture through the beautiful hallways of the castle, which seems to be bigger on the inside than it is on the outside, you talk. Celestia asks you some questions, and you respond, always politely, and after a while you even gain enough courage to ask her some questions.

You ask her simple stuff, like what being the ruler of a country is like. You have never meant a Princess before, and probably never will ever again, so it’s a legitimate question, despite how bland it may seem.

The princess also seems to have lied to that one guard when she said she will remain in the halls, as the both of you are outside right now.

Not that you care. If the princess wants to walk outside, then so be it. There is a pathway that goes along so you can easily get around. It’s much too nice a day to simply walk the castle halls, Celestia says. You imagine that she will probably get tired of seeing it after a while.

This area of the castle grounds is a little weird. Around you are stone statues of many different creatures. Some of them are ponies, but others are… not. You don’t know what any of them are, really. They just look incredibly strange.

Behind them is a large hedge that seems to stretch on for quite a while, which Celestia tells you is a maze. You don’t know why the castle needs a maze, but it’s kind of cool. If you weren’t injured, or had any sense of direction whatsoever, then you may even be tempted to go inside.

Unsurprisingly, the garden is absolutely beautiful. The grass is the perfect shade of green that grass should be, the hedge is dark green, the flowers are all around you and bloom impeccable shades of red and blue and whatever they’re supposed to show.

This is the royal palace, though. The Princess lives here. So the impeccable nature of everything does not surprise you, nevertheless, it is beautiful. Probably the most beautiful garden you have ever seen. Or will see. Not that you have seen very many gardens.

The both of you re-enter the castle and continue walking (or rolling, in your case), exchanging questions and pleasantries along the way.

Celestia has even told you a few jokes, and they actually made you laugh! Which is incredibly surprising. The medley of emotions you have experienced today has been strangely diverse.

You went from being tired and all drugged up to being bored, then to be amused by Twilight’s overreaction to everything that comes up without her prior knowledge. Then you were scared, then nervous, then scared, and those two basically swapped places for a couple hours. And now you’re laughing again!

There is something about the ruler of the country joking with you that puts your mind at ease. You don’t feel like you’re going to have a heart attack anymore, so that’s good. Also, feeling like the most powerful being you have ever met doesn’t hate you is so great you might just explode.

“How did you meet Shining?” you ask, wanting to ask her some questions of your own. You have already, but they were boring. May as well figure something about the horses you will be in contact with for the next few days. Or however long it takes for you to get back home.

You remember Shining telling you he was married to the Princess, and you know Shining. And now that you know the Princess, you can have a nice conversation about their relationship.

“Hmm…” she thinks for a moment. “Twilight became my student years ago. Her entrance exam was very impressive, but that’s a story for another time. I suppose I met Twilight’s family soon after naming her my personal student, so that was probably… 13 or 14 years ago.”

Your eyes widen.

‘She met her husband 13 or 14 years ago?! What the hell?! How old was Shining 13 years ago?! Like, 12?!’

The thought is startling, but you have to remember that you are no longer in your old, familiar world. Obviously things will be different here. Besides, Celestia looks very young. 13 years ago she could’ve been 12. Maybe.

That is a much nicer thought, and you decide to stick with that one.

“I did not know him very well until he became a royal guard. He is very smart and quickly became Captain. He is one of the youngest stallions who have ever been Captain of the Royal Guard.”

Well, good for him.

“Is that when you started dating?” you ask, hoping you’re not being too forward.

You see Celestia’s purple eyes get even wider than they usually are, and she stops walking for a second before continuing again.

You easily notice her reaction and begin to get nervous again. “Forgive me for asking, Princess,” you say quickly. “I didn’t mean to pry into your private-”

Celestia giggles before stopping you. “We aren’t married, my dear,” she says calmly, looking softly down at you.

‘Wat.’

“O-Oh? Shining said he was married to the Princess. I’m sorry-”

“Shining is married to Princess Cadance,” she explains.

Who the hell is Princess Cadance?

“Oh…” you feel incredibly embarrassed right now. You just… wow you’re dumb. Wow. The ruler of the country. The Princess. You just said all that dumb shit to the Princess. Good job. Really. Good job, dumbass.

“Princess Cadance is my niece,” Celestia explains. “I’m sure you will meet her later today. Princess Luna is my sister. She sleeps during most days, though you may see her later tonight. They help me rule Equestria.”

Well now you know.

You should’ve done your research. If this place had Google, then you could have just looked this basic shit up online and would have known in a few seconds. But no. You had to learn the hard way. And you can only assume that your dumb ass will only continue to make false assumptions during your stay here.

“I’m sorry for assuming anything, Princess,” you say. You wouldn’t want her or her actual husband to take offense and kill you.

“It’s fine, it’s fine,” she assures. “There was no way for you to know.”

Damn straight.

The both of you turn the corner and begin trekking down another endless hallway. All of these hallways and corridors are starting to look the same. If Celestia wasn’t with you, you guarantee you would get lost.

Every hallway is the same color, has the same rugs, fairly similar paintings of horses you don’t know, and spotless floors. This place is impossible.

Celestia is pretty damn cool. You thought she was actually going to kill you for a while back in the throne room. Good thing she didn’t. That would’ve ruined your day.

She’s talking to you, and you are talking back to her, and you’re feeling a whole hell of a lot better than you were earlier.

You like Twilight. You like Shining. So far, you like Princess Celestia. And all three of them seem to like you too.

It is kind of weird though that you get along with the Princess’ personal student, the Captain of the Royal Guard, and the Ruler of this whole damn country, but you’re still afraid of the guards.

Oh well. It’d be best to avoid them whenever possible, though that may be difficult, as you will probably be meeting with Celestia for quite some time.

You’ll probably see them pretty often then, but just pretend they’re not there.

You roll along.

==========

“And then what happened?” Celestia asks, wanting to hear the rest of your story.

You take a second to breathe. “I don’t know, really. I guess I got hit, then before I knew what was happening, I was spinning. Then I stopped… That’s all I can really remember, Princess.”

“I’m very sorry to hear that,” she says with a frown. “It must have been scary.”

You chuckle. “Not as scary as waking up to a talking horse wearing a lab coat.”

She laughs with you for a moment. “I’m sure that must have been quite startling, waking up in a foreign land.”

You shrug. “I guess it’s not so bad. I’m starting to get used to it, I think. It’s still really different, though. It could be a lot worse.” You take a second to look around the hallway you are currently in. It’s just another ordinary hallway in a very unordinary place. “I could be dead… if I’m not already.”

Celestia giggles. “No, I assure you, you are very much alive. Just far from home.”

“How far?”

“Hmm?” she asks, looking down at you.

You shrink back a little. “Uhm… I was just wondering, how far exactly? Princess.”

She looks at you for a moment. “Sadly, I don’t know. I have never even heard of your world before this afternoon. I cannot be certain.”

“Oh.”

“Why do you ask?”

“...” You pause for a couple moments and just wheel yourself further down the hallway. Your arms are getting tired. “Just wondering if I was ever going to be able to get back.”

You would love to go back home, where everything is familiar. Familiar is good. You suppose surprises can also be good, but not like this. Situations like this are confusing and… terrifying.

You miss your friends and family. You miss everything about where you were and would do anything to get back.

Celestia releases a breath, but not a large one. If the hallway weren’t so large and empty and quiet than you may have never heard it. “I am sorry,” she says. “I do not know how to get you back.”

Your heart has dropped. It is not in your stomach, and your chest feels empty and strange.

‘Never going home?’ you ask yourself. ‘Never? It’s not exactly what she said, but that’s what she means.’

“Inter-dimensional travel has never been studied. There are plenty of theories about it, but none have been proven.”

‘I’m gonna be stuck here until I die.’

Your eyes burn for some reason.

“Do you know exactly how you arrived in Equestria?” she asks gently. “Did you see anything before you crashed?”

You slowly shake your head, suddenly interested in the floor. “Nope. Just fell off a bridge…”

You want to go home.

The both of you continue moving along, now mostly in silence.

==========

“And that, unfortunately, concludes our tour of Canterlot Castle,” she says, smiling softly down at you. “I would take you around some more, but in your state, that may not be the best idea.”

You agree with that. You are in a wheelchair, so going upstairs or off-road to see something is out of the question. But that’s alright. You were getting tired of pushing yourself around these endless hallways anyway.

Her horns lights up gold and the door next to you does as well. In a second, the door is open and Celestia walks inside, wanting you to follow.

“This is where you will be staying,” she says.

You’re confused. “I’m staying in the castle?” you ask. You’re most certainly not royalty, nor have you done anything to warrant this. You imagine this is a very nice place to live, and you’re just a… commoner.

“An individual has never travelled from another world to this one before,” she says, “and we would love to have the opportunity to study interdimensional travel with you . That is, if you would be so kind as to help us.”

You think for a moment before shrugging. “I guess so. As long as no weird tests are done on me.”

She giggles again. “As I have assured you earlier, no harm will come to you.”

You smile. “Alright then. I’d love to help.”

She doesn’t say it, but she also probably wants to make sure the government is keeping a close eye on you. They don’t know who or what you are. For all they know, you could come from a race of psychotic murders. You don’t, of course, but they don’t know that. Not yet.

Twilight can vouch for you. And so can the rest of the… the uh… shoot, what are they called… elements of… heresy? NO! Harmony! Yeah, Element of Harmony. You wouldn’t want the Elements of Heresy vouching for you.

They also probably want to keep you away from the public. If your case is so rare, then everyone will probably want to talk to you or take your picture or whatever. This seems like the best place to hide from those kinds of people.

“I will leave you to get settled,” the white horse says before turning away. “Dinner will be served at 7 p.m. I would love for you to join us and meet everypony, as you will be staying with us for quite some time.”

“Thank you,” you smile. “I would love to.”

“I will see you then.” She bids you a farewell, saying your name, and you return it. She exits the room and closes the door behind her.

Now you’re alone.

You look around the room right quick.

There is a simple bed. It looks small, and it is. It was made for ponies, not for you, but it should be fine. There is a dresser for clothes, a clock on the wall, and a desk with a lamp on it.

Simple stuff.

You’re concerned with being able to find this room again after you leave. It took you forever to get here and there is no way of telling where you are anymore. For all you know, you could be right next to the Throne Room.

Or you could be on the opposite side of the palace. You are so confused. Do they sell maps anywhere? Does this place have a supply store or something?

Probably not.

Well, you were left to get settled, but you can’t really get ‘settled,’ can you? You don’t have any personal possessions. Everything you once owned was destroyed. The only thing you have is your hospital gown.

Which reminds you, you will have to talk to someone about actually getting clothes. Didn’t Rarity say she made dresses? Could she make you something? Not a dress, of course, but just like regular clothes? Human clothes? Or would that be too difficult for her?

You don’t know, but if she could, then you’re gonna need money. Which means you’ll have to get a job here. What could you do? What use could you serve? There has to be something unique about you. Who would hire you?

You don’t know, but you shouldn’t worry. Those are questions for later.

Now, a nap.

==========

Your eyelids are heavy. Heavier than they usually are, at least.

But that is to be expected. The past couple days have been abnormally tiring, despite the lack of physical activity you have participated in.

Just a couple days ago, you were shot. Thrice.

Three times.

Three.

That’s a lot. And it’s a lot more painful than you would have expected.

You have seen movies where guys get shot with arrows, and what do they do? They either die within five seconds if they are an unimportant character, but if the main character gets shot, he just keeps going.

The main character will just snap it off, groan a bit, and then keep going as though it wasn’t a sharp object forever embedded into their chest or wherever they were hit.

And neither of those outcomes happened to you.

You were shot, but you did not die. But you also did not get up. How is this possible? Is Hollywood not to be trusted when it comes to injuries of this variety?

Perhaps. But they may just be right. You’re not dead, you think, but you are most certainly not alive.

It doesn’t feel like you’re alive. You feel weird.

That is to be expected, though. You were shot. If you didn’t feel weird right about now than there would definitely be something wrong with you.

Of course, since you were shot, you have been given pain medication. Very ample amounts of pain medication which has been messing around with your senses.

You remember when you first “arrived” here in Equestria you were given pain medication, and then you went completely insane and tried rushing out of the hospital. You just hope that whatever your problem was is now fixed, lest you try getting out of this one.

You have a feeling if you left right now, then you would probably die. You almost died last time you left a hospital, and it would be a shame to have survived everything up to this point only to die because you hallucinate and run outside.

Anyway, back to your injuries.

You were shot three times. One arrow pierced through your right shoulder armor, went through your shoulder, and came out of your armpit. So that area of your body is incredibly sensitive.

And you were shot in the stomach, just a few inches to the right of your belly button. Of all the wounds you suffered in the battle, which has still yet to be named as far as you know, this wound is your least favorite. Hands down. No question about it.

The wound is right in the center of your body! It’s so weird to feel all sensitive right there. It makes you feel like you can’t do anything. If you turn yourself, there is pain. There are ways to alleviate the pain in your shoulder when you move; just don’t move your shoulder. But you still have a problem with your stomach.

And the last of your injuries was an arrow to the thigh, which was entirely unprotected and exposed. With nothing to slow the arrow down, the projectile went through your leg. Which was rather painful, to say the least.

This last injury reminds you of Skyrim and all of those dreadful “arrow to the knee” jokes that everyone will tell at any moment that may present itself. Sure they were funny two days after the game came out, but they got old fast.

You are almost thankful this world has no video games, that way no one can get the reference and make a joke about your injury.

The key word there is “almost.” You would do anything for video games or television or… really anything at this point that reminds you of home.

Shit, if you could, if you had the choice to, you would probably decide to go back home.

And why wouldn’t you? There is nothing for you here anymore. Your friends are off still fighting a war, leaderless. You feel like you have let them down. Here you are, their leader, the one they are supposed to look to for guidance and support, and you are lying in a bed in a comfortable room miles away from them.

Some leader you turned out to be.

Not to mention you will probably get discharged from the Legion because of your injuries. It will be an honorable discharge, of course, but the Legion is your damn family! You didn’t have a single real friend until you joined.

Those guys helped you get used to Equestria and were eager to be your friends when no one else in this entire damn city was. They were the reason you wanted to stay in Equestria in the first place.

But that’s not the half of it.

Celestia doesn’t want you. She is basically the source of your daily happiness, and that happiness has been painfully ripped away from you.

Now she’s off with some Canterlot douchebag doing God knows what. Everything that you used to do with her? She’s doing it right now with someone else. You lost her.

And why would she want to keep someone like you anyway? You ran off on her. You don’t think you did, but you’re sure she does.

Celestia could have anypony she wanted if she so desired, so why would she pick you? She probably realized she could have somepony better. She deserves better.

You lost your old family and friends a long time ago, but you wish you had them back now more than ever. You wish you had someone.

No more Legion. No more Celestia. Only wishes of things to return to the way they were, and that will surely never happen.

You’re alone again.

This is such bullshit! You didn’t ask for any of this! All of this just happened around you, and you were helpless to stop it!

For once, once! you finally thought that you had what you wanted. You were content with just keeping things the way they were for once; you were perfectly happy that way.

Nope.

Not anymore.

You hear a beep, and a few moments later you relax and fall asleep.

==========

You wake up, still in the same room. Good. After travelling around as much as you have recently, it’s nice just to stay in one spot for a while.

You feel sore. Not in a painful way, but more in an achy way. Your muscles feel stiff even though you haven’t actually used them in days.

Despite having just woken up, your eyes are still heavy, and you want to go back to sleep again. It seems like that is all that you have done over these past few days. Sleep, wake up and remember where you are, sleep. So it goes.

Allowing your tired eyes to close and trying to relax your sore body as much as possible, you simply lie on your bed and think.

It is probably important to know where you are and why exactly you are there.

You are in a hospital in Canterlot. Which hospital, you do not know, but that hardly matters. The only hospitals you have even heard of in the country is Ponyville’s General Hospital and Johns Hoofkins over in Baltimare, but that’s beside the point.

Obviously enough, you are in the hospital because you are injured and are now unable to fight. If you tried hard enough you may still be able to pick up your armor and weapons once again, but Equestria isn’t so desperate as to have cripples fight their battles.

You forgot how nice it is to be inside. You haven’t legitimately been inside of a heated building since you walked out of Canterlot that night over a month ago. Sure you got to sleep in a tent, but that wasn’t nearly as fun as actually being inside and warm.

Oh how you missed it.

Back on topic.

This hospital just so happens to be one of the closest hospitals to the field of battle, where you were injured a few days ago.

Maybe it’ll be easier to recount these events from the beginning.

As you know, you were shot. Getting shot was not as cool as you thought it was, as all it has done is bring you immense pain and discomfort.

After that, a couple of your faithful soldiers dragged you to the field hospital set up behind your line.

“Field Hospital” is a fairly generous term for where you went. It was basically a giant white tent where everyone went to die. The doctors there probably weren’t even doctors. They were just ponies that wore white and used numbing agents to justify fucking around with your wounds.

It wasn’t a pleasant place to be. If you had a choice between going to the third circle of hell or going back into that tent, you would choose the tent. Duh. But the third circle of hell does seem pretty appealing.

Anyway, while there, they numbed you up with some kind of medicine and took your armor off as carefully and quickly as they could. Then they tried to remove the arrows.

The numbing agent didn’t numb everything, and you could still feel most of what they were doing, and it hurt.

Oh God, did it hurt.

You didn’t watch when they did this, as feeling them move the arrows around was bad enough. You just closed your eyes and clenched your jaw.

How much of the arrows they actually got out, you don’t know. Did they get the entire thing out? Or did they just get the part that was protruding outside of your body off? For all you know, there could still be pieces of the arrow inside of your thigh, stomach, or shoulder.

It was a painful experience, but it wasn’t so bad. You’ve had worse, surely.

You hear a noise which sounds like a door closing, causing you to open your eyes and pick your head up a little. After a quick scan of your surroundings, you see nothing unusual. Same white wallpaper and medical machines all around you. The door is still closed.

Whatever.

You close your eyes and rest your head again.

You were in that tent for a while.

After what felt like an eternity of just lying on a wooden bed inside and feeling the arrows move around inside you, they finally picked you up and moved you outside. Where you sat in the snow.

You got to lie out there for a while. At some point it even started to snow, so it was kind of cool watching the snowflakes fall. But it was really cold. And noisy.

Lying next to all the other injured soldiers was not enjoyable. Some were way worse off than you, and some seemed all right. Some of the guys with minor injuries are probably off still fighting. But the majority of the guys who were lying outside are probably in a situation similar to yours. Or worse.

You’re lucky.

It’s probably best if you stop thinking so much about those guys. It’s not healthy.

You take a deep breath and situate yourself into a slightly more comfortable position.

Anyway! You got to lie out in the snow for a while. It wasn’t particularly exciting. The only things to see really was your breath. With every exhale, you watched your warm breath turn into vapor before your eyes.

That kept you occupied for who knows how long.

Every once in a while somepony would fly high over you, and you watched. The battle must have been over by that time, though, as nopony was fighting or falling from above.

While you laid there, waiting for nothing in particular, you heard things. You weren’t listening, exactly, but you could still hear. Ponies moved constantly around you, talking, screaming. All that good stuff.

Hours and hours of endless torment later, when the sun was just about to set, leaving you with thoughts of the greatest being you have ever known, you were lifted up and brought into a tent. A legitimate tent; with walls and a roof.

You wouldn’t call it a bed, what they put you on. It wasn’t comfortable enough to be called a bed, but it was basically a bed. It probably would have been more comfortable if you weren’t injured.

There were two other ‘beds’ in that tent, but nopony else was brought in. You got the tent all to yourself, for whatever reason. Maybe it’s because you’re an officer? You’re not sure.

Doesn’t matter to you. It was nice to be out of the cold and to listen to nothing. Of course, it was still cold in the tent and you could still hear everypony, but it was better.

You remember, while you were in there, you tried to do something incredibly stupid.

==========

It’s nice to be alone. It’s only a tent, but to have privacy for a little bit in a camp of 50,000 soldiers is like being in heaven.

You hear ponies talking and their hooves crunching on the snow outside, but they’re not in here, and that’s nice.

It has gotten a lot darker since you were moved in here. It has at least been an hour and nothing has happened. Did they forget about you?

Maybe. You’re not entirely sure.

You wonder if your subordinates are looking for you. They probably know what happened to you, though, as you are two feet taller than them and stood in the front of the line all day.

You don’t want to be in this tent anymore. There are more important things for a Lieutenant to do.

After Action Reports, for one. There are a whole bunch of things you’re supposed to be doing right now that you’re not.

You’re shirking on your responsibilities. You’ll never be Captain if you keep this up. Time to be a leader!

You try to sit up and immediately fail. When sitting up, one relies heavily on their stomach muscles, and yours just recently had an arrow rip through them.

Placing your uninjured left arm on the bench, you push yourself up. You don’t sit all the way up, though, as you are too injured to do so.

However, you’re kind of sitting up. Your elbow is on the bed, so your head is about a foot from the wooden bench you’re lying on. It’s not much, but it’s progress. It’ll be better when you get your feet on the ground.

Trying to move your left leg is incredibly difficult as it recently had an arrow in it, but you’re slowly managing. If you move the appendage too quickly, then of course it’s going to hurt. But if you take it nice and slow, it doesn’t feel too, too bad. It could feel a lot worse.

You slowly inch your leg towards the side of the bed, the other one following. Before you know it, it’s at the side of the bed, and you gently ease it down to the ground.

At least, that is what you were trying to do. Instead, gravity takes over and pulls your leg down fast and hard and you have no way of stopping it.

You yelp in pain as your leg hits the floor harder than you anticipated, but not so loudly as to alert anypony, apparently.

You grab your injured, bandaged thigh as if that will stop the pain, which is does not. You bite down on your lip so hard that you would probably taste blood, if that flavor wasn’t already in your mouth.

“OK,” you whisper to yourself. “It’s alright. OK. I’m good.” You take a deep breath, feeling sweat on your forehead. The other leg follows the left one to the ground, much gentler this time.

Alright. Almost there. Now, you just gotta stand up and walk outside. Better take it slow.

You place your feet squarely on the ground so you will already have your balance by the time you stand up. You’re full of good ideas.

Placing your left hand on the bed behind you, you bend over a little bit as to get your balance. Summoning all of your power to your left and uninjured arm, you push off of the bed hard, sending your body into an upright stance.

You stand there for a second and smile.

And one second after that, you are on the ground, groaning in pain.

‘Fuck me!’ you yell in your head, rolling around on the cold ground.

That was probably the worst decision of your life, as all of the pain you experienced earlier and spent hours slowly alleviating has come back to you ten fold!

Every thought you just had about going outside has been forcibly discharged out of your head. The only movement you can currently make is mindlessly rolling around on the floor. There is no way you’re gonna be crawling out of this tent anytime soon, let alone simply standing up.

“What the hell are you doing?!” an angry female voice shouts from behind you. You don’t recognize the voice, so you don’t feel obligated to look at the source. You just settle for rolling around and groaning in pain. “Are you crazy?! Stay! In! Bed!”

Within a few moments you’re whole body illuminates a soft blue and you are lifted from the ground. Some of your pain subsides too, which is pretty nice, but it still hurts. You’re starting to get used to the pain, now. You are placed back on the bed.

“I will be back in five minutes,” the female voice informs. “Don’t you dare move.”

And you don’t.

==========

Yeah. That was the stupidest thing you’ve ever done. You’ve done some pretty dumb shit, but trying to walk around with fresh, sore, and partially open wounds and falling on your face is pretty bad. More pain coursed through you in those two minutes than anything else.

That nurse was pissed at you for trying to get up, too. Like, really pissed. She yelled at you for a while. But you imagine her job is pretty stressful, what with watching ponies die all day all around you. You probably weren’t making her day any better.

Oh well. You had good intentions.

You take a deep breath, feeling relatively relaxed.

Even though it was the stupidest and most painful experience you have had in… ever, it will probably be funny one day. You smile. Maybe you and Celestia will have a nice laugh about it too.

She’ll probably call you an idiot, but she will laugh. You love her laugh…

Fuck. Wait a second.

You’re not going to tell her anything. She doesn’t even like you anymore. You will probably never say anything to her ever again.

…

Fine. Whatever.

Who needs her anyway? Not you, that’s for damn sure. You’ve been doing just fine without her this past month. Look at you! You’re doing great!

You’re in the hospital, your friends may very well be dead, and your ex is off with someone else! You’re doing great!

You take a breath, wanting to calm yourself as you hear your heart monitor beep faster and faster.

Thinking those things made you think of your friends. They’re still fighting. You’re not. You hope they’re alright without you. They should be, but who knows? Without you around to control them, they can be pretty stupid sometimes.

Hell, for all you know, your friends could be in this very same hospital. You hope they aren’t. Or maybe you do? If they’re here, they’re out of danger. But that means they’re hurt. If they’re not here, then they are still putting themselves in harms way every day. Or even dead.

You don’t want to think about that anymore.

Shouldn’t your doctor be coming in here soon? You haven’t seen one in quite some time. Isn’t it their job to make sure you’re not dying in here? Shouldn’t they at least check up on you?

Whatever. You’re sure they know what they are doing. If they didn’t, they wouldn’t be doctors, would they?

You have had enough thinking for one ‘awake period,’ as you have begun calling them. You’re not even awake for a full day. Hell, you’d be lucky to stay up for a full hour.

Closing your eyes and relaxing, you drift off into sleep.

==========

It’s been really difficult to see for whatever reason. To your knowledge, nothing happened to your eyeballs over the past few days, so you’re not entirely sure why everything is blurry.

Is it because of the drugs?

Maybe. You’re not sure what drugs are being used on you at the moment or what the side effects are.

Maybe you just need glasses?

You feel really weird since you woke up five minutes ago. Your vision has been impaired since arriving in the hospital, for whatever reason, but now, you feel weird. Like high.

It’s nice.

They have been giving you these drugs since you got here, but you suppose you were too focused on the pain of your injuries to properly notice the effects of them.

How long have you actually been in the hospital, though? From what you gather, you could have been here for either a week, or about 24 hours. You’re not sure which one, but it’s definitely one of the two.

The ceiling is weird. You don’t know why, but it’s suddenly very interesting to look at. And so is the heart monitor.

You look down at the foot of your bed to make sure your legs are still there. You never know when you’ll lose your legs.

Despite your vision being incredibly blurry, you see your legs. But that’s not what gets your attention.

To your left is a giant white… blur. You don’t know what it is, but it wasn’t there when you fell asleep earlier.

What is that? Whatever it is, it’s big. Massive. And it’s white. And it’s just… like…

Sitting there. Looking out the window.

‘Is that an angel?’ you ask yourself. ‘Am I dead? When did I die? Why is heaven in a hospital?’

You have no idea. For all you know, it’s a giant marshmallow.

Well if you’re dead, it’s about damn time. You have put up with so much shit recently and you’re more than happy it’s all finally over.

But wait. If this is heaven, shouldn’t you be able to walk? What is the use of a hospital in heaven?

Stupid heaven.

Oh shit! Wait a minute. Are you in hell? Do they have hospitals in hell? Doesn’t hell have fire, though? You don’t see any fire.

This isn’t what you imagined hell to look like. You would’ve thought it would have been full of fire and screaming. But there is none of that here. Just a simple hospital room. At the same time, though, this isn’t what you imagine heaven would be like either.

Purgatory?

What the hell do people do to get in purgatory anyway? For someone to get here, they have to not be bad, but not be good. They simply have to be.

You always thought you were good, but oh well. Guess you’ll just have to wait.

This place looks a lot more like your idea of purgatory than heaven or hell. It’s white and cold and basically empty.

Except for that white blob over yonder.

Maybe it is an angel. But why would it be here? Is it waiting for you to do something?

You really want to go home. Maybe if you ask it nicely then it will send you back. That’s how it works, right? Just say ‘please.’

You look at the angel.

‘Look’ is interchangeable with ‘stare’ in your current state of mind. You have never met an angel before, so for one to be so close to you is mindboggling.

Two extraordinarily large white wings extend to either side of the angel’s body, and you almost forget how to breathe.

‘Oh… wow...’

The angel whispers your name.

You barely even hear her say it. If the room wasn’t so quiet then you probably wouldn’t have.

Her voice is heavenly; beautiful in every way a voice can be, you think. And it’s incredibly familiar. For some reason, you feel a lot warmer than you just were.

‘How did the angel know my name?’ you wonder.

You suppose angels have to know a whole bunch of people. It’s probably part of their job to know who you are. Sounds like a pretty tough job. You wonder how one becomes a divine being.

“Yes, angel?” you hear yourself quietly respond.

There is a moment of silence.

You’re not sure if the giant white blur is even looking at you. You can see her wings, and you vaguely know where her head is, but not if it is turned towards you.

You see the outline of her, of course, but that’s just about it. Her large, white body and her wavy hair.

You wonder how hard it is to fly with those giant wings. They are very large so it probably takes a lot of work to use those things.

“Will you sit next to me?” you ask (well, ‘slur,’ basically), wanting to be closer to this divine being. For whatever reason, just the fact that she is in the room with you makes you feel warm and happy. It’s probably because you don’t feel so alone. You feel complete, right now.

You’ve missed this feeling.

After a moments hesitation, the white blur slowly moves towards the side of the hospital bed.

This is the weirdest dream ever, but you are absolutely loving it so far!

You hear the strangely loud footsteps of the angel slowly walk towards you. It sounds as though she is wearing high heels, and you simply assume she is. Though her footsteps sound rather weird, they sound like they are a thousand miles away.

Despite her being right next to you, of course. She stops when she is right next to you.

You look up at her face, but you still can’t see her. Not really, at least. Her face seems to be radiating light, and you suppose it would be, considering she is a divine being.

Slowly, you feel something settle on top of you. Looking down at your body, you see one of her wings lying lightly on top of you. Very lightly. It may as well not even be there.

It sits there for a moment, and you just look at it, thinking.

The wing is big. Really big. It covers a lot of your body, but not all of it. The feeling is familiar, and you feel all warm inside.

The wing is also incredibly feathery, but it should be, you suppose. It’s a wing. Wings have feathers.

You reach a hand down to touch it. The second your hand makes contact with the feathery appendage, it jolts in surprise and retracts from your grip.

Damn! Why didn’t you ask permission first? You can’t just do things like that? Who do you think you are?!

Angels aren’t supposed to be touched and poked at by people like you.

Before you realize it, the wing drapes itself back overtop of you, the top of it stopping a little under your chin. Though it’s still pretty loose around you, the grip is more firm than it previously was.

Taking this as a good sign, you slowly reach your hand out from under the wing and cautiously move to feel it once more. If she doesn’t want you to touch it, then she’ll just move it again, you think.

This time, she does not move, and your hand makes gentle contact with her wing. It feels nice. Familiar, actually, as strange as that may seem.

You put your entire arm on top of it, wanting to feel it. Again, she does not move away, nor does she say anything.

The wing is incredibly soft. So soft! It’s feathery and warm and… familiar… it’s so nice.

You rub it a little bit, feeling as much of it as you can. It’s amazing. You feel warm and safe now. A feeling you haven’t had in a very long time.

You look back up to the angel’s face, which you still cannot see. You would love to look upon this gentle being’s face. Just once. Just to know what she looks like. That would make you happy.

“Angel,” you say, “I can’t see.”

You feel the grip of her wing around you get tighter, but not painfully so.

The angel sniffles and you don’t know why. There’s nothing wrong. Not anymore.

You’re fine. You’re alright now.

==========

Written by - ScatMan2001

Edited by - TheTownCrier

Another new editor. Special thanks to TheTownCrier for editing this whole think like an hour ago.

Chapter 11: Just Fine

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You awake to a knock on your door.

“Five more minutes…” you mumble, peacefully and temporarily forgetting where you are. You roll over onto your other side and pull the covers up to your shoulders, getting more comfortable.

Hopefully whoever is at the door will go away. You don’t want to deal with people right now. Too tired.

You don’t know why you feel so abnormally tired, or why there is someone outside of your door, especially at this time of night. It’s probably like, 2 in the morning or something like that.

Maybe it’s a murderer or a thief.

That’d be kinda cool, you think, but you doubt it. Why would they knock? It’s awfully courteous of them to knock, of course, and you appreciate it, but it is rather out of character.

You open your eyes.

Oh. Hold up a second… You’re in Equestria. This isn’t your house.

Oopsy.

That explains why your feet are hanging off the bottom of the bed. Mattresses here are a little small.

There is another series of short knocks on the door.

“Monsieur?” a female, accented voice almost whispers from behind your door. It sounds like she’s from France, but France doesn’t exist here. Right?

Do other countries still exist? Maybe, but they have to be occupied by other random creatures and not humans. Otherwise Twi wouldn’t have been so interested in you when you got here.

“Monsieur?” the accented voice calls again. “It is 7 o’clock. May I come in?”

You don’t know what she wants, but you don’t want to be rude. Princess Celestia probably sent her over here, anyway, so of course you decide to let her in.

“Come in,” you call before clearing your throat. Your voice sounds a little strange after that nap.

The door opens and in walks a little pony. Her coat is dark blue with a black mane and tail, and she has massive brown eyes. She also has a white diamond in her fur right between her eyes. It’s not unusual, you think, but it’s worthy of taking note of.

But this is no ordinary pony.

This particular pony is wearing a little maid outfit! Like she’s a maid!

‘Oh my god that is the cutest thing I have ever seen!’ you shout in your head.

Of course, she is a maid. You have seen humans in maid outfits before, but there is something about this little pony being in one that makes you smile.

The outfit is basically all black, covering her body and ending in a skirt down by her tail. She has a small pink bow at the center of her collar, below her chin, and another larger bow on the top of the middle of her body. And to top it off, she even has a little black hat.

“Good evening, monsieur,” she greets with a smile. And her little accent. “It is almost supper time. I was told to wake you.”

“Thank you, miss,” you respond, trying not to smile too much or laugh. Her accent just makes it so much better!

“Princess Celestia would also like to inform you that you will be fitted for some clothing tomorrow morning to replace your old ones. It won’t do to live in the palace wearing a hospital gown everyday.”

You couldn’t agree more. When was the last time you changed out of this thing? Have you ever changed? You can’t remember. You just know that wearing legitimate clothes for the first time in a week sounds awesome.

They’ll be made by ponies, though, and they don’t wear clothes, from what you’ve seen. So they will probably be terrible. But hey, it’s a gift, and one you will gladly accept.

“Thank you, ma’am,” you say, beginning to stretch and slide your way to your wheelchair.

“Do you need any assistance, monsieur?” she asks, probably seeing your discomfort at moving around.

“No,” you respond, not wanting anyone else’s help. You gotta get used to doing this sort of thing on your own, anyway. “No, thank you.”

“If you are sure, monsieur.”

She keeps calling you ‘monsieur.’ You guess it’s just part of her job to address all men like that. God she’s so cute!

You just want to pick her up and hug her and throw her up in the air and squeeze her until she squeeks!

But you don’t. You’re under control.

“Do you need anything else, monsieur?”

You think for a moment. “Actually, yes. I need directions. Where exactly is it that I have to go?”

“The dining hall?”

“Yes. Where is that, exactly?”

What she says next is an obscure blur of ‘lefts’ and ‘rights’ and ‘straight aheads’ and all kinds of directions. There is no possible way you could keep up with her verbal map of the castle. She tells you to make turns when you see certain statues or paintings but you almost immediately forget what particular statues or paintings she is referring to.

It’s not like you’ve lived here long enough to know what pieces of art she’s talking about, anyway, which just makes everything that much more difficult. Maybe one day you will, but even that’s unlikely. There’s no telling how long you’re actually gonna be living here. Hopefully not long.

The sooner you can get home the better.

And there are so many different directions to take in this damn place that one wrong turn could ruin your evening.

“Is that all you require, monsieur?” she asks, finishing with giving you the directions.

You just look at her for a moment. You’ve basically forgotten everything she has said in the past few minutes. But you do remember the first directions, which was ‘Turn right out of this room and go down the hallway.’

That’s all you can remember, and you doubt the Dining Hall is down the hallway from where you are staying.

“Uh, no,” you say, giving up and deciding to wing it. For better or for worse, you will set out on your own. “That is all. Thank you.”

“Would you like a Guard to escort you, monsieur?”

Hell no. Not a damn chance.

You don’t like guards. You don’t like them because they do not like you. Simple as that. Perhaps your relations will improve over the next… however long you are here.

“No, thank you. I can manage on my own, I think.” You hope.

“Do you need me for anything else, monsieur?”

You slide into your wheelchair and get comfortable. You forgot how small this thing was.

“No, ma’am,” you say. “That’s all for me. Thank you.”

She bids you a good evening and takes her leave. It’s a good thing that she left. If she stayed any longer you ran the risk of getting diabetes.

You will probably be seeing her again at some point. How big could this castle be?

It’s time to find out.

You roll out of your room and turn right.

==========

'Well that was fast.’

Yep. It’s official. You’re lost.

That cute little maid pony gave you accented directions and you followed them poorly. And, as a result, you’re lost. Lost beyond hope.

You can’t even remember where your room is, so there is no chance of turning around.

It’s not your fault, though. It can’t be. This castle is humongous. It’s way too big and confusing.

You wonder who designed this massive structure. Perhaps this palace was designed in such a way that if it was infiltrated by an enemy, that they would get lost and starve to death without ever laying eyes on the ruler of this country.

It’s a thought, and the longer you wheel yourself around these long, empty hallways, the more that thought seems to be true.

It must take someone of great experience in this place to navigate it successfully; experience that you clearly do not have, and most likely, never will.

Your stomach grumbles.

‘I’m gonna die in here!’ your brain shouts in desperation. At this point, you’re willing to do anything to survive.

You have only been lost in the halls for about 10 or 15 minutes, but it feels a lot longer than that. Time seems to drag one when you’re hungry. And you’re starving.

You prepare to give up; to just stop where you are, accept your fate, and die.

It’s a shame that you made it so far just to die now. Entering Equestria was rather painful, and you have suffered a great deal of injuries as a result of it; as evidenced by your wheelchair.

Point is, you give up. You’re done. And you’re fine with that.

‘Where is a guard when you actually need one?’

What a grand question that is. In this current state, perhaps you are desperate enough to seek assistance from a guard. You may even give it a try…

If there was a guard to ask help from!

Seriously! Those guys stand around all day, guarding a horse that probably doesn’t even need their help, and when you actually need them, where the hell are they?!

No idea. Could be anywhere. You may even find one if you roll about long enough.

At this point you would ask anyone, or anything, for directions. If you could remember your way back to the garden, you would go ask a squirrel or something for directions.

And the weird thing is that it would probably point you in the way you want to go. You wouldn’t doubt that it would. So much weird shit has happened to you this week that you’re expecting anything.

There is no one in the hallway you are in. There is no one in the hallway you were in. Or the one you were in before that one. So it goes.

No guards. No maids. No… whoever the hell else would be in this giant ass castle.

Surely if this place is so big, there must be more inhabitants than Princess Celestia. Do the guards stay here? And the maids?

Maybe. But even then, this place is still a little too big. You have to be missing something.

There’s time to think of that later. Now, you gotta find a way to the Dining Hall. A room that you have never entered.

Shit. You have been making yourself look bad since you got here, and being late to dinner, a dinner that you were personally invited to by the Princess, herself, is just making everything that much worse.

The amount of disrespect you are probably showing right now is incredibly high. You clearly did not intend to get lost, but bad things happen to good people. And if that saying is true, then you must be a great guy ‘cause bad things haven’t stopped happening to you.

You roll down the end of the hallway and turn right.

Where you find yet another long, abandoned hallway. Great. Have you already been down this hallway?

Probably. Fuck this place.

“Excuse me. Can I help you?” a voice from behind you calls; a voice that you do not recognize. That can be a good or a bad thing.

You turn your chair entirely around to see another horse walking up to you.

This particular horse is pink with a mane and tail of purple, dark pink, and yellow. She has both a horn and wings, making you wonder who she is. Princess Celestia had a horn and wings, and was the only pony until now who you saw with both features. You assume that this pony must be important.

It can also be assumed that she is important because of the crown on her head. Your detective skills are off the charts.

The tips of her wings and purple, which is pretty cool, and her big eyes are purple. She has a mark of a heart on her rump; not that you were looking, of course! It wouldn’t do to look.

Before you can say anything, this pony begins talking about how she has already heard about you. She even knows your name. She speaks to you softly and with a smile, and you decide quickly that you like her.

“Where are my manners?” she says, “I am Princess Cadance.”

You figured she was some important political figure, but another princess?! How many of those do they need in this place?

Hell, they probably need one just to govern over the castle, it’s so damn big.

Not only that, but you remember Princess Celestia telling you that this pony is Shining’s wife.

You give a slight bow, all while remaining seated, of course.

“That is not necessary,” she says, saying you name. “You are a guest here, not a subject. Are you lost?”

Your face warms up in embarrassment. You are lost, but it’s weird telling someone that you got lost in their house and have been wandering around for 15 minutes.

You nod.

And your stomach grumbles again, causing Princess Cadance to giggle.

‘I’m doing an incredible job around royalty, aren’t I?’ you ask yourself, rhetorically.

You blush even harder. If you blush anymore, your head is going to explode.

“Follow me,” she instructs, and you follow along. “Don’t feel bad for being late for supper. Princess Celestia likes setting a time for it, but most of us are too busy to make that deadline. If I had to guess, even she hasn’t arrived yet.”

Well that’s good. If Celestia isn’t there, then she will never have to know that you got lost in her house.

“And there is no need to feel embarrassed about getting lost,” she continues as you roll next to her. “When I first moved in, I got lost more times than I care to admit. It just takes a little getting used to is all.”

She turns her head to smile at you, and you return it.

“How are you feeling?” she asks, glancing down at your body with some concern. “I was told that you were released from Ponyville General only this morning.”

“I am fine, thank you, Princess,” you respond nervously, bowing your head slightly. “I’ve, uh… I’ve had a long day, to say the least.”

The pink mare giggles beside you. She turns a corner and you follow, rolling a little faster in order to keep up with her.

Cadance glances at you.

“I can only imagine. This must be quite the culture shock, seeing as you do not come from a land where creatures like myself cannot speak.”

“Yes,” you breathe, chuckling a little. “It has taken a while to get used to.”

“It still does not appear that you have entirely gotten used to being here,” she observes, looking at you before looking ahead of her agian. She smiles. “I heard you tried to escape Ponyville General early yesterday morning.”

Your face is abnormally warm. You would have preferred if no one ever found out about that little incident other than those directly involved. Oh well.

“Who told you that, Princess?” you ask timidly.

“Oh, I believe it was Twilight, who told Celestia, who told me,” she explains. “Word gets around in this city, especially when you run it.”

You imagine so. Any information relevant to you is probably important for the Princesses to know.

Cadance glances at you.

“So,” she begins again. “You have met my husband?”

Husband? You didn’t know she was married. You just met her 3 minutes ago. And she’s not wearing a ring or anything. So - oh! Duh!

“Yes,” you nod, now remembering the obvious. “I met Shining earlier today. He is very friendly.”

“Yes,” she giggles. “He is. “

“It surprises me how kind he is, though, considering he is Captain of the Royal Guard.” No offense to him, but you would have expected someone in that position to be more… aggressive, you suppose is the word.

“He is always sure to keep work and his personal life separate.” She glances at you. “The Guards here are not something you need to worry about.”

You look at her, wondering how she could have known you didn’t like them. Can she read your thoughts? Or are you just that obvious?

“Princess Celestia informed me,” she explains. “You seemed a little nervous around them earlier, according to her.”

“I was.” And you still are.

“Well, believe me, they will not even think of touching you. They know the consequences if they do.”

Cadance glances at you again.

What does she want? She has looked over at you multiple times on this little journey of yours. Of course, that shouldn’t be a problem.

But she’s looking at you funny and too often to be normal. Kind of like she’s studying you or something. And just now, when she glanced at you, her horn was glowing, but you didn’t see her using magic on anything.

It’s strange, you think, but you don’t know enough about unicorns or whatever she classifies as to make any judgments. It could just be nothing. Maybe every once in a while their horns just glow?

You wouldn’t know, and it’s not your place to ask. It’s best just to let that be.

You finally enter the Dining Room, which is way bigger than you originally thought.

The room itself is massive, as everything in this castle seems to be, and the roof is very high. You like it. It’s very spacious. Maybe a little too spacious, but it looks really nice, and appearances matter here, especially.

It is a castle, after all.

At the far end of the room is an incredibly long table which could easily seat dozens of ponies and then some. It’s big.

Despite it’s size, it is not very full. There are a few ponies sitting and chatting on one side of the table, and a few on the other side. The only ponies you recognize are Princess Celestia who is sitting next to Shining. Both of whom are talking to some old, bearded pony.

The stallion they are speaking to looks rather… aged. He has a long grey beard that almost touches his hooves. His mane and tail are grey, as well, and his coat is a faded blue. His cutie mark seems to be some kind of scroll or something. You can’t really see it from where you are now.

You don’t recognize a single pony at the other end of the table, but you’ve only been here for a few hours. You pay them no mind for now, and simply follow Princess Cadance as she leads you along.

“Good evening, aunt Celestia,” Cadance greets with a small bow.

Celestia turns her attention from the old pony to the pink princess. “My dear Cadance, how lovely to see you! I’m glad you could join us this evening.”

“Of course, Princess.”

Celestia greets you enthusiastically as well, glad to see that you are rested and are joining her for dinner.

“Thank you for having me, Princess,” you say with a small bow. “It’s very kind of you.”

“Oh, nonsense,” she responds. “You will be staying in the castle for quite some time. You are invited to all meals, my dear.”

Wow.

That’s very nice of her. You thought you were just gonna eat dinner with her one time and that would be that. Maybe you would see each other again in a few days or something while she had some ponies “study” you.

Apparently not, though.

You rejoice at the idea of getting to eat with royalty three times a day, every day, but it scares you a little too. Your table manners probably aren’t up to their standards, but you suppose you’ll just have to try your best.

“Unfortunately,” the white Princess continues, “not all of us are able to attend every meal, depending on our work. Just know that the kitchen is open 24 hours a day, so if you are ever hungry, don’t be shy.”

That’s very generous of her. You would love to take up that offer, but that means that you will have to know where this room is in the future. You best get yourself a map.

“This is actually the first time all of us have been able to share a meal together in over a week.”

Really? That long? They must get pretty busy here.

Celestia says your name, getting your attention. She gestures to the blue stallion next to her. “I would like you to meet Mr. Kiusa.”

The old pony gives a small bow to you, which you return after a moment.

Celestia continues. “He is my political advisor, and is almost always around me. Seeing that the two of us will be spending a great deal of time together in the foreseeable future, you will also be spending time with Mr. Kiusa.”

You’re spending time with Celestia?

A lot of time apparently.

And this old pony, too, by the looks of it.

Right now, you don’t know how to feel about that, so you simply smile. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, sir,” you say politely.

Before he can respond, you hear an incredibly loud intake of air from behind you.

Startled, you quickly turn your chair around to see Cadance, face flushed, with a pink hoof over her mouth. Her eyes are wide and are moving quickly between you and Celestia.

“Sorry,” she squeaks.

You look at her curiously for a second before turning back around… only to see Mr. Kiusa slowly hobbling his way to the exit of the room, without so much as a “goodbye”. Or a “hello,” actually.

Maybe he doesn’t like you.

You wouldn’t doubt it. Most ponies here don’t seem to like you, aside from Princess Celestia and very few others.

But that can’t be it. He only just met you! You will get to know each other in the near future.

“No!” Cadance shouts a moment later, causing you to turn your head around again. “No, I take it back. Apology revoked. I’m not sorry. Shining, dear!” she exclaims, moving towards her husband who has been silently observing everything from beside Celestia.

“Yes- hey!” he shouts as Cadance begins forcibly pushing him out of seat and down to the other end of the table. Shining looks like he wants to say something, but doesn’t argue with his wife.

You couldn’t be more confused if you tried. What is she doing?

After pushing her husband all the way down to the far end of the table, she quickly bounces back over. Literally, she hops like a rabbit back to where you are.

With an uncomfortably large smile, she gestures with a hoof to the spot in which Shining was recently seated.

“Please!” she exclaims. “Sit here!”

You clear your throat uneasily. “But, uh, isn’t that Shining’s seat?” You don’t want to take the guy’s spot.

“Not anymore!”

You glance down to the end of the table to see Shining getting settled in with the ponies who are already down there. “O-Okay,” you respond. If she insists, you suppose you will sit there.

You don’t know why she seems so eager about it all of a sudden, but some questions are best left unasked. If a Princess tells you to sit somewhere, you best do it.

You enjoy having a head, and intend on keeping it.

It’s not like you can easily get out of your wheelchair, so you simply park it where Shining was just sitting. You could get out if you wanted, but hospital gowns are open in the back, and it probably isn’t okay to show the Princess your backside.

Celestia, as you just realized, does not have a chair at the table. It looks like she is sitting on some sofa cushion. You imagine finding a chair her size would be difficult. But she is a large horse, so she can still see over the table very well.

In fact, there are no chairs at the table at all. That could be a problem for when you eventually get out of the wheelchair for good. You sitting on one of those cushions would impair your ability to eat, considering you wouldn’t be able to see over the table at all.

Cadance takes her seat across from you and next to Celestia, her uncomfortable large smile still on her face. Her teeth are very white.

Her ears are perked up and she is fidgeting around like she’s on a sugar rush. Why is she so excited?

You exchange a glance with Celestia, and judging by the way she looks, she is equally as confused as you are.

You take a brief moment to look at the other end of the table and fully observe what is happening over there.

On the other end of the incredibly long table, sits a large, dark horse with wings and a horn. Her hair flows in a gently yet nonexistent breeze, much like Celestia’s. She’s a princess, no doubt.

How many Princesses does this country need?

And why is her hair all wavy but not Cadance’s?

You always ask the important questions.

The dark horse has blue eyes and a blue mane, which looks like it has stars in it. It’s a beautiful sight.

Next to her sits a smaller, white stallion. He has blond hair, blue eyes, and a blinding white coat.

You don’t know either of them. Surely, you will very soon.

Princess Cadance says your name, startling you but getting your attention.

“Princess Celestia was just wondering how you are liking it here so far,” Cadance says, still with that smile. Celestia glances at Cadance for a second before looking back at you.

“Sorry,” you stutter. “I am liking it here, Princess. Thank you. You have been very kind to me.”

“You may speak honestly, my dear,” Princess Celestia says gently. “There is no need to constantly thank me. I am sure of your gratitude.” She smiles at you for a moment. “But surely all of this must be quite a bit to take in.”

You take a deep breath. “It is, Princess. I-I’m just not used to this at all. I’m not sure what’s stranger: living with a bunch of talking ponies, or living with royalty.”

Princess Celestia giggles. It is a very cute sound, you think. It is certainly one you wouldn’t mind hearing again.

It is also an interesting sight: seeing the ruler of this country giggling. You like it.

“It must be a lot to get used to,” Celestia says, “especially in such a short period of time. How are you liking the castle?”

“It’s very nice, Princess,” you say, cheeks flushing. “It’s a little… big, though.”

“Yes, it does appear that way to most newcomers. It does take some time for most to learn their way around the halls and stairs and gardens.”

Cadance gasps, getting both of your attentions. “Princess!” she exclaims, rather loudly and excitedly. “After supper, you could show him around some more! Who better to give a tour of the castle than you?”

You cut in. “I don’t want to impose,” you say nervously, not wanting to take the Princess away from important business. “I’m sure you’re very busy, Princess.”

“That is a wonderful idea, Cadance,” Celestia says, turning to you with a soft smile. “I would love to show you the rest of the castle. We can pick up from where we left off earlier.”

Well… if she wants to, you guess.

“That sounds great, Princess,” you respond, smiling back at her.

“Splendid!” Cadance shouts again. “After supper, you two can go around the castle together! Alone, of course. I’d love to tag along but I’m afraid I’m far too busy! Yep! Busy, busy, busy!”

She says all of this with a giant smile, like she is happy to be busy this evening. You’re happy for her, too, you think.

“Have you shown him the gardens yet, Aunt Celestia?” Cadance asks, still practically shaking with enthusiasm. “It is lovely out there this time of night. Especially with the stars out. I am sure Luna has done a wonderful job, as usual.”

She seems incredibly impatient for some reason. You suppose you’re happy that Cadance is eager for you to finally learn your way around the halls of the castle. At least that way you won’t get lost anymore.

“Yes, dear,” Celestia says, “I have shown him the gardens, but we can stroll through them again. You are right. Luna does a wonderful job with the night sky.”

Who the hell is Luna? And what is she doing to the sky?

Before you can ask any questions, food is placed directly in front of you.

‘Food!’

You haven’t eaten in days! Not real food, at least. That crap at the hospital does not count as food. You don’t know what it is.

It does not surprise you that a place such as this has ponies that serve you food. You’ve seen Downton Abbey. That place had servants, and this place does too.

You dig in.

It is just an unreasonably large salad. There is nothing special about it in the slightest, but because you haven’t eaten anything like it in quite some time, you’re in heaven.

The dressing is really good. A salad without dressing is nasty. Who would ever eat leaves if they tasted like leaves? Not you. Dressing is important. Salad will do until the main course comes out.

You eat and talk, trying your hardest not to look like a barbarian in front of all these ponies. That certainly won’t do.

Cadance seems to be guiding most of yours and Celestia’s discussions. She will say something, and then she will just let you and Celestia talk. It’s strange.

In your peripheral vision, you see Cadance’s eyes frequently on you. It’s like she’s staring at you, but you don’t look back up at her. If the ruler of this country wants to stare at you, you’ll just have to let her.

It’s kind of scary, actually, having one of the rulers of this country stare at you. It makes you pretty uncomfortable, which you already are considering where you are and what you are sitting on.

You don’t mind if she stares at you. It’s just weird.

Your etiquette is poor, you realize fairly quickly. Celestia eats a leaf at a time with an incredibly tiny fork before wiping her mouth with her napkin after every bite.

Meanwhile, your face is practically in the salad. God knows how much dressing is on your face.

But who can blame you? You’re starving. You haven’t eaten real food in quite a while. You’re injured.

Thus, you eat like a caveman in a hospital gown.

You see Celestia smiling at you, looking amused. Your cheeks flush as you hope you’re not embarrassing yourself more than usual.

Upon seeing Celestia’s expression, Cadance’s smile somehow gets even bigger. It’s terrifying.

You look over at the other end of the table again, trying to see what has been happening over there.

Shining is sitting, talking with the larger, dark pony. You don’t know who she is yet, but she looks serious.

She looks like that teacher in school that no one messed around with for fear of getting yelled at.

She does appear pretty intimidating.

Neither Shining or the large pony is paying any sort of attention to you.

But the blond pony is. He is looking right at you; kind of like the way those guards were looking at you earlier. It’s like he is looking down on you.

And he probably is.

He’s probably that dark pony’s husband or something. He may even be Celestia’s husband, for all you know. That would make him a prince.

So, for some commoner, such as yourself, to come in here and act as you are probably pisses him off.

If he is Celestia’s husband, it probably pisses him off even more that you have been speaking with his wife and will be continuing to do so.

Well shit. You can’t help that.

You sit up as straight as possible as you try not to look and act like a troll. You hear Cadance and Celestia talk next to you, but you pay them no mind.

That blond dude is still looking at you weird.

What are you doing? Are you doing something wrong?...

Who the hell knows. Well, not you, obviously. Maybe he is just naturally unkind to foreigners? Xenophobia.

As you look at him, Celestia leans in next to you, the sound of her voice startling you a bit.

“The stallion with the blond mane is Prince Blueblood,” she says quietly to you. “He is my nephew.”

Well alright then.

“And the mare directly across from me is my sister, Princess Luna.”

For the first time, Luna looks up at you, and your eyes connect. There is a sudden pain in your chest for some reason.

She seems to be looking at you in the same way Blueblood was.

Great. Two members of the Royal Family that already hate you. And you literally just found out their names!

The ponies on the other end of the table stand and begin to disperse.

Was that the end of the meal?

Oh…

Obviously! Horses don’t eat meat, thus, you don’t eat meat.

Shit.

“Are you ready to go?” Celestia asks, standing.

You suppose you are.

The both of you begin to walk and roll, side by side, out of the Dining Hall and to who knows where.

“Bye, you two!” Cadance calls. “Have fun!”

==========

Your eyes slowly open to familiar surroundings.

You pick up your head and look around the room before dropping back down onto the pillow.

No matter where you look, the angel is no where to be seen. Where did she go? Was that only a dream?

Probs. Who knows what kind of drugs these pony doctors got you on right now. Strangely enough, though, when you are sober you see unicorns and shit. Only when you’re high do you actually stop seeing all the talking horses.

Was that dream an omen? You remember it rather clearly. Why would an angel have been sitting in your room? There was something familiar about her, but she did not speak.

If only.

Oh well.

Your vision is still impaired. It is difficult to see clearly for whatever reason. Hopefully someone will explain why soon.

The dizziness and grogginess you experienced before seems to have gone away a bit. It is still there, but it’s manageable.

But you still can’t see.

Everything else seems normal enough. Your body is aching, as it should; your heart monitor is beeping, as it does. Yep. You’re in a hospital.

Just then, the door to your room opens.

“Good!” says a brown unicorn with a white lab coat upon walking in. He’s a doctor, presumably. “You’re awake again.”

“Again?” you ask.

That is the first thing you have said out loud, that you know of, in like three days. Your voice is as scratchy as a broken record and your throat is dry.

“Indeed,” the doctor says, closing the door behind him and approaching your bed. “You awoke earlier but did not acknowledge my presence.” He pulls out your file and begins looking it over.

“Is that bad?” you ask, a little concerned.

“Hmm? No, no, it’s perfectly normal for someone in your situation.” He walks over to the chair beside your bed and takes a seat. “You were quite out of it, these past couple days.”

You imagine so.

“How are you feeling now that you are awake?”

“Tired,” you reply simply. Obviously you’re tired. God knows what you have been through these past few days. You can hardly remember any of it.

“That is to be expected.” He turns through some pages and scans them over. “You were shot… three times.”

‘No shit, Sherlock, I was there.’ You want to say that, but that would be rude. And your throat is too dry.

You felt the arrows when they hit you. You still feel them, even though they aren’t there anymore. You tell the doctor as much.

“That is normal, as well,” he explains. “I can’t tell you when that feeling will pass. It varies from pony to pony.”

“Great.”

“You have a deep cut below your eye, which we have bandaged.”

“I do?”

The doctor nods. “Your eye, itself, was also cut, so it is a little red.”

With your good hand, you reach up to your face and feel the bandage that covers one of your eyes. Sure enough, there is a bandage there, and you gently glide your fingers across it, part of you still not believing that is really there.

At least that explains your vision problems, but with that discovery also comes a great deal of questions that do not hesitate to flood into your mind.

“Not to worry,” the doctor says, probably seeing the look on your face. “Your eye will be fine. It just needs to heal on its’ own.”

“G-Good,” you stutter, putting your hand down.

“You have multiple bruises and cuts, some of which will scar, all over your body. No serious injuries other than what you already are aware of.”

Well that’s good news.

“Are you feeling any nausea?” he asks.

“No.”

“Any unusual pain?”

“Nothing that I can’t already explain.”

He chuckles. “Let me or a nurse know if you feel any extreme pain anywhere. We have you on a lot of painkillers right now, so you should feel fine, but if there is pain, let us know.”

“I will.”

“Good.” He rises, closes your papers, and begins to leave.

“That’s it?” you ask, expecting there to have been more of an evaluation on your injuries. “Is that all of the questions?”

“For now,” he says, opening the door. “Somepony will be with you shortly.” He closes the door and you are alone.

‘Wait, what? What does he mean ‘somepony will be with you shortly’? He’s the damn doctor! He’s supposed to be the one that is with me!’

Whatever. Damn doctors.

He did a wonderful job at being as vague as possible before walking out. How much does that guy make? More than a soldier, that’s for sure, but he doesn’t even seem to be working.

Whatever.

You are alone again. You’re getting used to that.

Seeing as you have the time and the ability, you decide to examine yourself to see the extent of your injuries. Hopefully it is nothing too bad.

You haven’t seen all of your injuries at all since you received them. What a wonderful occasion.

Your right arm cannot be moved, not at all. It’s just not happening. That is due to the fact that an arrow went through your right armpit. Your right arm currently rests in a sling over your chest to take pressure off of your shoulder.

For a moment, you worry about your eye, but that worry is short lived. Nothing bad happened to it. You don’t remember anything even happening to it. When you were shot, both of your eyes were working just fine. You remember using both eyes throughout the battle.

Even after you were shot you do not remember having any vision problems.

What happened to it?

Question for later.

With your good hand, you lift up the blanket. As expected, you see the bandaged form of yourself. Some cuts have not been dealt with, as they are small and don’t hurt anyway. You don’t have that many cuts, though, and the ones you do have are primarily on your legs.

A bandage has been wrapped around your stomach. You were shot there. Another bandage covers your left thigh, as you were shot there as well.

You put the blanket back down and relax. It is probably best for your sanity to not observe your injuries. It can wait anyway. It’ll be best to go over that stuff with a doctor.

You think.

You wonder if that offer Sherman made you is still available. He said you could stay with him considering you and Celestia… you know.

The expression, ‘You don’t know what you have until it’s gone’ pops into your mind. But you cannot say you entirely agree with it.

You knew exactly what you had; you just never thought you would lose it...

Oh well. It’s over. Best get your shit together real quick. Life can be hard on a disabled veteran.

You remember talking to Sherman just a few days ago; he said you could move in. And you accepted.

You hope he’s alright. You hope all of your friends are okay.

They are all fighting bravely for their country, and you are lying in a warm bed, miles away from them. You were their leader. You were supposed to be there.

But you’re not. You feel so useless.

The door to your room opens. You look up and see-

“P-Princess?!” you gasp, sitting up as much as your injuries allow, seeing none other than the great Princess Celestia standing in the doorway.

The breath in your lungs escapes you as the sun goddess stands before you. Your heart beats faster and you try to think of something to say, but you can’t think of anything.

Your mind is entirely blank. Who would’ve thought you would be visited by the sun goddess, or the ruler of Equestria, or your ex-marefriend while you were still lying here?

Not you, that’s for sure.

Should you move?

You couldn’t move even if you tried, so no.

‘Say something! Anything!’ your mind screams unsurely, not knowing what should be said right now.

Your mouth moves but no words come out. Your eyes are watering already.

“Princess…” you whisper, not even having the energy to speak at regular volume or say her name.

‘Gah! What can I say?!’

Maybe you would be able to say something if you actually ever expected to see her again.

You certainly did not expect to see her again, though. Like, ever. She didn’t seem to ever want to see you again last time you spoke.

What are you supposed to think?

You’re angry that she threw you away, like you were some expendable object that she could use for her amusement and throw away when she got tired of it.

You’re angry that she did not write to you, but you didn’t write to her either.

You’re sad that you have not seen her in so long, and now feel delighted to see her again.

There is no one emotion to settle upon, so you just sit there and stare, your mouth slightly agape.

Your head starts hurting due to these conflicting thoughts and feelings rushing through you.

She looks as beautiful as she always has as she begins walking into your room. You have missed looking at her a great deal. The real her. Not that picture you have.

Why is she here? What does she want from you? Does it look like you have anything left to give her?

What is she thinking? Is she angry at you? Will she renounce your citizenship?

Where will you go? You like it here.

‘No,’ you think. ‘She would never do that.’

She slowly approaches you, walking up to the side of your bed. Her purple eyes stay connected with yours and she does not look away. Not once.

You look back at her, feeling all sorts of emotions.

You glance away before looking back. You glance away again before looking back.

She is not smiling, but she is not frowning either. She does not appear to be pleased or angry.

You are very happy to see that she seems alright. You suppose that it is good that she has not been worrying about you. You can only imagine how much stress she has been under recently, and you would have only added to that.

You look like a piece of shit right now, but she looks as perfect as ever.

What does she want?!

She isn’t saying anything. You have to say something.

“Princess,” you choke out, your throat feeling even drier than it just was.

You try to straighten up more, considering she is your superior officer. She’s the ruler of the country, and the most superior officer you have.

There is no one above her, and that is reason enough to be worried considering you are just a lieutenant.

She says your name, making your heart skip a beat, as she puts a hoof on your shoulder, stopping you from trying to sit up more. Her hoof is soft and white. She must have removed her golden horseshoe.

You can’t help but shake as she touches you. You haven’t had any contact with this mare for a long time. And you have missed it.

You simply look at the gentle hoof on you.

You haven’t been this nervous around her since you started dating. She’s probably been in here for 12 seconds, and you are already about to have a heart attack.

Your mind is moving a mile a minute, unsure of what to be thinking or what to say.

Her features soften.

“You’re okay,” she whispers, looking into your eyes. “You’re okay.”

“I-I’m fine, Princess,” you say in return, wanting to calm the mare you love. “I’m alright, now.”

“Everything is going to be fine…”

“I know, Princess.”

“You’re okay.”

Wanting to calm the only pony you’ve ever loved and ever will, you move the hand on your uninjured arm and grab Celestia’s hoof.

You hold the soft appendage loosely but as lovingly as you can manage.

God damn your eyes burn.

Your rub your thumb along her fur. It’s softer and smoother than you remember, and you love it.

You missed it. You really did.

As you stroke her hoof, you look up at her face.

And, for once, you wish she hadn’t.

Tears can be seen, glistening in her eyes. And they are there because of you. You are the reason she is upset.

“Celestia,” you gasp. You know you didn’t address her as ‘Princess,’ but right now, that doesn’t seem to matter.

You have never seen her cry before… but because of what you did, you’re about to.

Tears suddenly spring up into your own eyes, but you hold them back.

Her brilliant purple eyes should never have tears in them. A mare as beautiful and benevolent as Princess Celestia should not have to know sadness. Not anymore.

“Please don’t cry, Celestia,” you beg. “It’s-”

Your pleading is interrupted by her quivering lips connecting with yours. Without a second thought or care, you push back.

Her lips are as soft and gently and giving as you have always known them to be.

She slowly pulls away and you gaze upon her face once again.

The fur under her eyes is matted down and she brings a hoof up to wipe at her face. She levitates a couple of tissues from beside your bed and begins dabbing at her eyes.

“Ahem,” she clears her throat, shakily. “I’m sorry. I must look like a mess right now.”

You extend your arm and touch her chest. Making contact, she stops for a moment to look at your hand before looking at your face.

“You have never looked more beautiful than you do right now,” you say, focused on her watering purple eyes.

She smiles before another tear slides down her face. She looks at the floor and continues to clean herself.

“I really missed you,” she says quietly, looking back up at you again.

She takes a seat next to the bed, her face close to yours. A wing extends from her side and gently drapes itself across your body. She loosely holds it there as you touch the top of it with your hand, and it reminds you of that dream you had.

You kiss the top of her giant, feathery appendage. “I missed you too…” You want to say more, but you don’t know if you should.

You’re not exactly sure where the both of you stand with each other, and if she has different plans, you don’t want to get in the way of them.

“What’s wrong?” she asks, her voice soothing. She must see the conflicting look on your face.

“Celestia…” you begin hesitantly before just deciding to dive into it. “Celestia, I love you.”

You look at her, but she does not have any reaction. You guess that’s a good sign.

“I love you more than anything… Are we… still… together?”

“I…” she glances at the ground. “I want us to be,” she says, saying your name. “But I don’t want you to think that you are obligated to stay with me. If you wish to leave, you-”

That’s enough of that you think, and you quickly place a hand on her moist cheek and connect your lips again.

She returns it wholeheartedly and you can almost feel your heart leap out of your chest in celebration.

The kiss isn’t lustful; it’s not like you and Celestia are going to be doing anything with each for a while. The kiss is simple, but that’s the way it should be.

It feels loving, passionate, and… right.

She breaks the kiss and nuzzles your cheek. You wrap your arm around her neck and hold her against you. The feeling of her short fur rubbing against your skin is incredible. Just one of the many things you have missed.

“How long have you been waiting here?” you quietly ask your princess. You know she must have been outside the room for a bit, but you don’t know how long exactly.

“Since yesterday morning,” she responds calmly.

Your eyes widen and you let go of her. She instinctively moves back so she can look you in the eyes.

“What’s wrong?” she asks.

“N-Nothing, h-hon,” you stutter. You’ll have to get used to calling her that again. “Just… yesterday morning?”

She nods.

“Why were you out there that long?”

She smiles. “I was waiting for you to wake up.”

“Yeah, but…” you think for a second. “You’ve been here this whole time?”

“Mm-hmm,” she nods. “I can do my royal duties anywhere I please, and Luna can handle anything else while I’m away.”

You guess so.

You smile at your princess. She’s been waiting for you.

“My guards have been here the whole time, too,” she says.

“They’re probably bored to tears,” you think out loud. Not much for them to do in a hospital… But there isn’t really much for them to do in the castle, either.

Celestia giggles. Oh you’ve missed that sound!

“They’ve actually been very busy, believe it or not.”

“I don’t believe it.” When are the Royal Guards busy? Never. That’s when. “What have they been doing?”

“Guarding your room, of course.”

What?

“What?” you ask . “Why are they guarding my room? And why is that such a big job?”

Celestia smiles at you, like the answer is blatantly obvious. “They guard you because you are important to me. They’re busy because there are reporters from dozens of different newspapers just trying to get a picture of you.”

Huh…

“Didn’t know I was so famous,” you ponder. You’re used to a couple of reporters, but dozens? That’s excessive.

“They want a picture of your injuries.”

Hmm…

“I could probably sell a picture of myself to them. They’d be willing to pay a lot for it, too. I’d get rich real quick.”

“Is that so?” Celestia asks.

“Yep! You don’t have enough money for my tastes, babe,” you tease, and Celestia laughs. “Why are the guards protecting me from them?”

“One reason is that so you don’t have a stroke from the constant flashing and questions. The other would be that I don’t want them to have a picture of you, especially not while you’re injured.”

“Why?”

She rolls her eyes. “With everything that’s going on, the last thing I need is them to get a picture of you and make up some story about what they think is happening.”

She’s got that right.

“How have you been, hon?” you ask, stroking her neck. “You all right?”

She smiles. “Much better now… the doctors said you’re on painkillers and you will be fine. How do you feel?”

You kiss her snout. “Never better.” You look into her eyes for a few moments before resuming conversation. “Why did you wait outside? I’m sure you could’ve waited in here.”

She smiles at you. The biggest smile you’ve seen her wear all day. “I was waiting in here for a while, actually.”

“Oh? Why’d you leave?”

“Well…” she begins. “I was in here this morning when you first woke up.”

‘When did I first wake up?’

You have no memory of this.

“You don’t remember?” she asks, and you swear she can read your thoughts. “You don’t recall a particular…” she pecks you on the lips. “Angel?”

Angel?

Then it suddenly dawns on you.

“Oh…” your cheeks flush. “I thought that was a dream…”

She kisses the tip of your nose. “I thought it was cute.”

“I bet you did.”

You stare into each others eyes for a few moments, just for the sake of looking at each other. It’s been a while since you’ve last seen each other.

You feel her breath run over your face. It’s cool and minty, and it always seems to be.

Suddenly the grip of her wing around you gets a little tighter, but not uncomfortably so.

“I love you,” she whispers. “I love you so much.”

You kiss her. “I love you too, sweetheart. I really missed you.”

She rests her head on top of yours before taking a deep breath.

Everything seems all right now. You have been thrown out, almost frozen to death, got cut up, shot, and trampled in just a few weeks time.

But all of that seems all right now. All you ever wanted was to be with this mare again, and you are. You have nothing else to ask for.

You’re alive. You’re being taken care of. You have your Princess beside you.

There are still a lot of things that need to be gone over. You have a mental list of questions that don’t seem appropriate to ask right now.

You still don’t know who that stallion in the newspaper is. You guess Luna was right about that being mindless gossip. As if Celestia doesn’t have enough problems, she’s got the media being douchebags about everything.

There are fewer things you hate than those clowns with their cameras.

You don’t know how the Legion is doing, or more specifically, how your Century is doing. How many men have you lost? Who have you lost?

Did you even win that battle last week? You assume you did, but you don’t know for sure.

The list of questions just goes on and on and on and on and then on some more.

But maybe it will all be okay.

You don’t expect things to go back to the way they once were. But this time around you won’t take what you have for granted. You will cherish every moment you have.

Everything, just at this special moment, seems fine.

==========

Written by - ScatMan2001

Edited by- TheTownCrier

Special thanks to TheTownCrier for being the man.

Chapter 12: A Long Talk

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This is the most beautiful garden you’ve ever seen. Why is it so big?

It’s more than just a garden; it’s like a miniature forest, if you had to describe it simply. There are trees, bushes, and even little animals, which you think is incredibly weird. The only creatures you’ve seen so far in this land are ponies. Perhaps it’s simply logical that there are other animals in the world.

Weird thing is that these animals in the garden are just animals. They’re normal animals. They look more like animals and behave more like animals. They don’t talk, they don’t have houses, they don’t cook… they’re nothing like the talking ponies.

It’s interesting to think about. Humans evolved from monkeys, so maybe these ponies just evolved from regular ponies? It’s a thought. You’re not a scientist. You don’t know.

It seems like no other animal in the world aside from ponies can talk. You guess you won’t be too surprised if you come across another animal that can or can’t talk. You’ve seen it all up until now.

Anyway, the garden is gorgeous. You’ve never been anywhere this beautiful. How is it that this place even exists? You know you’re in an alternate universe, but still.

Are those palm trees? That doesn’t even make any sense!

You’re not in a tropical environment, but that doesn’t seem to matter here. Nothing seems to matter here. If there’s some kind of beautiful plant out there in the world, it is surely in this garden. The garden being in the backyard of a castle… on top of a mountain… in the middle of freaking nowhere.

“This is my favorite part right here,” Celestia announces as you both walk (and wheel) down a path into a long section of beautiful, green trees, all of which are spouting some kind of food. “We have banana trees, orange trees, apple trees, there are grape vines towards the end there. This is my favorite part.”

“It’s beautiful,” you say.

“Thank you.” Celestia takes a couple apples from one of the trees, giving one to you. “You have to try these, they’re delicious. The groundskeeper does an excellent job with the place. About a century ago this whole thing was a training ground for the Royal Guard. It was an eyesore. I wanted to make it a garden, so I did, but I never imagined it’d look this great.”

“How did you get all these plants up here?”

“Most of them had to shipped in, of course. Not a whole lot of produce grows naturally at this altitude and in this cold… but with the help of some magic, proper gardening, and a few decades to get everything just right, it has become a paradise.”

“It’s amazing. Do other ponies ever come through to see it?”

“Oh, definitely. The garden is open to everyone during the day on weekdays and most Saturdays. But once the sun sets, it’s closed, which allows me to walk through it myself with no distractions. It’s prettier at night, anyway.”

“Very pretty,” you agree, taking a bite out of your apple. It’s juicy and crisp, just an apple should be. “And the food is good too.”

“That’s the best part!” she exclaims cheerfully. “I come out here and eat all the time, and they’re fruits, so I allow myself to eat as much as I like. Not like it’s cake or anything. I try not to eat all of it, though, so I can save some food for the critters.”

“Critters?”

“Squirrels, chipmunks, birds… the usual garden stuff. Sometimes the groundskeeper will surprise me by bringing in something exotic. A few years ago, I was walking through one night and I saw a toucan sitting on a tree.” She laughs. “It was the strangest thing. I only saw it a few times before it flew south. It’s much too cold up here.”

You nod along.

“But anyway, enough with the garden talk, how are you feeling?”

“I’m doing all right, Princess,” you respond nervously.

Truth be told, you’re not ‘all right.’ You’re all wrong, if anything. This whole situation is just weird.

A horse is showing you around some mini tropical jungle like it’s a pretty normal thing, but it just isn’t. It’s confusing and weird and you’re not okay with it.

The Princess horse is very nice and very sweet and her garden is lovely but that doesn’t take away from the fact that you have no idea what’s going on.

These days you just feel like you’re making it up as you go along. You can’t prepare for any of this. You haven’t been able to predict a single thing that happens.

However, with all that being thought, you don’t believe you should be completely honest with this horse. There’s no way you can tell her anything that you’ve been thinking. She intimidates you. The last thing you want to do is offend her by implying you aren’t loving your stay in her kingdom.

It just doesn’t seem like a wise thing to do. So you lie. Best to lie and not offend someone than to tell the truth and be sentenced to 15 years hard labor. You don’t know enough about this culture to tell how tolerant it is.

For all you know, being honest is very important in their society. For all you know, if you offend the Princess of the country you could be beaten like a pinata in the town square. You don’t know.

“Really?” she asks, not sounding like she believes you in the slightest. “I can’t imagine that to be true. Where you come from, creatures like myself cannot talk, yes?”

“That is correct,” you agree, but it goes far beyond that. Where you come from, creatures like her aren’t multicolored, can’t fly or use magic, don’t have plumbing or live in houses, and quite frankly, horses back where you come from look like absolute shit compared to the ones here.

“I imagine that to be an odd transition for you then. If I were to… appear... in your world, I imagine the transition period to be very tough.”

“I-I guess it is.” She’s still intimidating you. The fact that she’s a lot bigger than you isn’t helping that, but even if you were standing straight up she’d still be bigger than you. However, you’re sitting in a chair while she’s standing, making her seem even more physically imposing.

Her legs are long and insanely muscular, like a racehorse. If she pushed you hard enough with one of those legs, you’d die, no question about it.

God damn. You can’t stop looking at them. Her muscles have muscles.

Still though, she’s probably the sweetest pony you’ve met up to this point. She didn’t charge into your hospital room and bombard you with questions. She invited you to her home, where you can stay, and has been nothing but friendly since. There’s no reason to feel intimidated, and you know that, but you can’t help it.

She’s just huge.

“I don’t mean to trouble you,” she says, turning to you. “And please be honest. Do you feel threatened by me?”

She’s even scarier when she’s facing you. Her chest is large and right in your face, her big purple eyes are looking down upon you, her wings ruffle and extend from her body a little bit.

And she smells lovely. It’s horrifying.

She has to be reading your mind. How does she know what you’re thinking?

Now you don’t know what to say. It’s not like you’re going to tell this woman that she scares you. Everything in this castle is pretty scary.

Can you move back to Ponyville? Things were only moderately frightening there; not nearly as frightening as here.

“Do you like donuts?” Celestia asks.

“Y-Yes, ma’am,” you respond, feeling like that was a random question. You’re more than relieved she changed the subject.

You haven’t even thought about donuts in a very long time. Sweets haven’t exactly been at the front of your mind.

“I love donuts,” she sighs with a pleasant smile, as though she’s recalling a wondrous past memory. “I remember when they were first invented. It was just a dough circle back in the day. No sprinkles or glaze or anything. It’s amazing how far society has come…”

What the shit is this woman talking about?

“Come. Let’s get some donuts. I haven’t had a donut in… a week? Something like that. It’s been much too long. Come with me,” she says your name. “Let’s get some donuts.”

Well… okay.

==========

“Donut Joe’s the best,” Celestia says, sitting at a table. She levitates a pink box of a dozen onto the table, sitting on a seat cushion.

It’s a pretty nice place. There aren’t very many people - er, ponies here, but it is really late to get a donut.

It’s called ‘Donut Joe’s,’ and oddly enough, it is run by some guy named… That’s right, Donut Joe. Who would’ve guessed?

The few ponies that are in here are staring at you and Celestia. They’re not even being subtle about it. It’s odd. This is the first time you’ve been out in public since you came to this world.

The walk over the this nice little shop was interesting. It’s only just down the street from the castle; no more than a few hundred yards.

You and Celestia walked right out of castle (she had to carry you magically down the stairs) and turned down the street. No guards accompanied her or anything.

You thought that was kinda interesting.

It was interesting to walk down the street in this city. There were a few ponies out and about, and that was the first time you saw ponies in a large group. This is the first time you’ve been in a city.

It’s like a normal human city, but miniature. With you sitting in the wheelchair, most ponies appear to be at your height.

You still don’t know if electricity exists. The city is lit up like it does exist… who knows. You’ll have to find out later.

Princess Celestia takes a seat on a cushion on the floor that appears a little too small for her. She’s much larger than everypony else.

“I didn’t know which kind you prefer,” she says, opening the box. “So I just got a bunch. I like ‘em all. Jelly filled is by far my favorite.”

“Why’s that?” you ask for the sake of conversation.

“Well, the first time I ever had a donut, it was just a dough circle. It was really good, but it was plain. One day somepony picked me up a box of donuts. Without looking, I just grabbed one and took a bite. It was full of jelly. It was such a beautiful surprise.”

She sighs at the memory. This woman must really love her donuts. She talks about donuts like they were ponies she was once in love with.

“Anyway, more comfortable?” she asks, taking a large bite out of glazed donut and levitating one over to you. With only one bite more than half the donut is gone.

“Yes, ma’am,” you say.

“Good,” she smiles. “You look more comfortable now. It’s always better to have some sweets with conversation. And I do love my desserts.” With one more bite, the rest of her donut is gone and she picks up another one. “I don’t want you to feel nervous around me. We will see each other every day for the next few weeks.”

“Every day?”

“Every day. I’ll have some small matters to attend to during the day, but I’ll find a suitable time to meet with you so we can learn about your culture and I can tell you about Equestria. We’ll eat meals together as well. It’ll take some getting used to, as things do, but you seem to be adjusting pretty quickly. You didn’t seem too shocked by anything when we walked over here.”

“This city actually looks a lot like cities back where I come from. Not much of a difference, honestly. It’s just a bit smaller. And there’s no cars.”

“What’s a car?”

Oh yeah. You guess they wouldn’t know what cars are.

“Nevermind, I’ll ask you about it tomorrow when I can write it down. I forgot to say earlier, but feel free to roam the castle and garden as you please. Navigating the garden is less difficult than the hallways of the castle. If you feel lost just head towards the castle, it’s easy to see, you’ll eventually find a way out. I live there and I still don’t know exactly where everything is.”

“Do you walk through the garden often?”

“Not nearly as much as I’d like to,” she admits. “I used to take Twilight there all the time when she was a filly; for a little thing, she could really eat. She’d sit out there and study and eat all the apples on a tree if I let her.”

“How often to you come to Donut Joe’s?”

“I wish I could come here every day, but my advisor doesn’t let me.”

“Who’s your advisor, again?”

“Mr. Kiusa. He was at dinner. Old, grayish colored stallion. Beard down to his hooves.”

“Oh, right.” You don’t think you like him, but you don’t know well enough to make an effective judgment.

“Sometimes I’ll secretly send somepony to pick me up a dozen so he won’t find out. I’m on a diet now, so I can’t really be eating them.”

She takes a donut and eats the entire thing in one bite.

“Dieting sucks. Sometimes I think I can go a few decades without sweets, but I can’t even go a week. Century after century, I still can’t live without them.”

“I love them too,” you respond, finding her exaggerations a bit extreme. She’s talking about decades and centuries like they’re months and years. “How long have you been Twilight’s mentor?”

“Hmm…” she thinks, swallowing another donut. She’s really putting them away. “She’s about 23 right now. She applied for my school when she was… seven or eight? So about 15 years now.”

Wow. She’s been teaching Twilight for 15 years? That’s incredible.

This mare doesn’t look much older than Twilight, she just looks bigger. If you had to guess Celestia’s age, you’d put her in her 30s somewhere, maybe 40s if you were really stretching it. She doesn’t look old. She looks more… matronly and experienced.

So, if she’s around 35 right now, and Twilight is 23, that means Celestia started teaching her when she was 20. That’s a very young age.

“That long?” you ask.

“That long. It’s been fun, she’s a very intelligent young lady.”

“And the school is yours, you said?”

“Yes, that it is. I started it… oh, it feels like a millenia ago… I probably started that school around 300 years ago? Something like that.”

“300 years ago?”

Now her exaggerations are just ridiculous. At least she’s consistent with them, but they’re a little over the top. How are you supposed to learn anything about this woman if everything that happened to her happened ‘centuries ago,’ hundreds of years before she was born?

“It’s something like that. I - Oh! Oooh…” Celestia smiles gleefully down at you, realizing something. She puts another donut down before she can devour it in one bite. “Nopony has told you how old I am, have they?”

You don’t see how that’s relevant. If anything, her question startles you a bit, as now you don’t know what to say. It’s impolite to ask a lady her age, especially when that lady is royalty.

But she doesn’t seem to be baiting you into anything. Her question sounded genuine. What would her age have to do with anything?

“I-I haven’t thought to ask,” you respond diplomatically.

“Certainly not. Judging by that look on your face I’d say you think it’s impolite to ask.”

“I-I do, yes, Princess. I wasn’t going to ask.”

“I know you weren’t, dear. I believed somepony would’ve told you by now. I don’t mean to shock you more than you already have been this past week, but I just might.”

You have no doubt.

“I’m over 2,000 years old.”

...Huh?

“As is my sister, Luna. Well, she’s younger than me by 4 years, but no matter how old we get, she never forgets I’m the big sister.”

What is she even talking about?

“A lot of ponies assume Luna is younger than me by centuries because of our size difference. But no. Just a 4 year separation.”

Is she messing with you? She’s gotta be messing with you. The reason no one else has told you that she’s thousands of years old is because she isn’t.

Presumably.

But at the same time, you’re not entirely writing off that possibility. A lot of weird shit has happened this past week; her being thousands of years old wouldn’t be really surprising.

“It’s true,” she says, mouth full of donut. “Believe it or not. But we will discuss more of that tomorrow. I can give you a more detailed summary of Equestrian history tomorrow. I’ve lived through all of it. Donut?”

She levitates a donut and puts it in front of you, not waiting for a response.

“I shouldn’t have anymore, I’ve had my fair share.”

You glance into the box. Where there once were a dozen of the delicious pastries, there are none. Absolutely zero.

That means she ate ten of them. You’ve only been here for a few minutes.

“Don’t tell my sister we came here,” Celestia requests. “I’m not supposed to come here. She’ll get jealous and yell at me for not sticking to my diet when she is. Come, let us return to the castle.”

Celestia ushers you out of the donut shop, speaking of her love of pastries while all the miniature horses in the general area stop and stare at their Princess. Some even bow.

She must command a lot of respect. It’s weird being around these ponies, but it’s getting more interesting.

==========

“You have a beautiful home,” you say, both you and Celestia strolling the hallways of the castle for the last time this evening a she escorts you to your room. “It’s gorgeous. It’s not like anything I’ve ever seen before.”

This is a different part of the castle, you think. Apparently. It all basically looks the same to you. There are walls, paintings, guards...

Castle stuff. It all blends together. It all looks the same. It’s pretty and all, but confusing.

It’s just huge. Surely the biggest horse in the pony kingdom should live in the biggest castle, but damn. This is massive by human standards. The ceiling has to be, like, 20 or 30 feet above your head.

It’s like a human castle... But… different… Everything in this world is just… so… cute.

Cute has to be the best word for it. It’s the closest word that comes to describing all this stuff.

It barely looks real.

“Thank you, dear. It is lovely,” Celestia agrees. “This must be the most I’ve walked all week, so I guess it’s okay I got those donuts. I usually just go from my room to work downstairs then eventually back up again. I even went out to the garden today.”

“You don’t go out to the garden that much? It is your backyard.”

“I don’t get out too much, even to a place as close as this. I just haven’t had a reason to be out here. I’ll come through if I’m showing somepony around or if I get bored. It’s a shame, really. My sister doesn’t care much for the garden, and my niece and nephew don’t often accept my invitation for a stroll. Unless I have company I don’t have a reason to walk through the garden.”

“Well, if you like, I could take some walks through the garden with you,” you offer. It’s the least you could do for her, and this is a nice place to hang out. “If I’ll be staying here I won’t be doing much.”

“I’d like that,” the giant horse smiles at you, causing you to smile as well. “A walk is better with company. Have I told you about what we’ll be doing together during your stay here?”

“No, Princess.”

You have no idea why you’re here, honestly. You still want to go home. This world just isn’t for you.

You’ve only been here for a few days and you’ve almost died like five times. A land of happiness and friendship isn’t for some people.

There are a lot of differences between this world and your old one, and you just aren’t going to get used to them. Talking, flying, magical, colorful ponies? It’s like a weird acid trip that’s lasting days.

The alicorn Goddess begins. “You’ll be staying here for the next several weeks, at least. I want to learn as much about your culture, your species, your world as possible. I don’t want you to feel nervous; I want to learn about you and your people while finding you a way home.”

“There’s a way to get me home?” you ask hopefully. You’ve been in Equestria for a pretty short period of time and you already can’t wait to leave.

“If there is, we will find it. You came to Equestria somehow so there must be a way to leave. Of course, this will take some time, so I’ll prepare you a larger room to stay in and get you outfitted with some real clothing.”

That’s very generous, you think.

It’s odd to you that someone, especially the ruler of a country, especially the ruler of a country outside of your world, is this accommodating towards you. It makes you wonder why.

Sure, she’s being nice and all, but now she’s being more than nice. Most ponies here have been more than nice to you. It’s just putting you off a bit.

“Here’s your room,” Celestia announces.

“Thank you, Princess,” you say, surprised at how short that walk seemed. You thought your room was much farther away.

“Get some rest. Whenever you wake up, there will be a guard right outside your door and he will bring you to me.”

“Thank you, Princess.”

“I will see you tomorrow. Sweet dreams.”

“Goodnight, Princess.”

Celestia turns away and walks down the hallway to wherever the hell it is she’s going. You don’t know what royalty does.

You watch her walk away for a moment, eyes fixated on her blowing multicolored tail… You can see the corners of the sun that is her cutie mark as her flanks sway back and forth…

Time to get some sleep.

==========

You can’t sleep. Maybe it was that nap from earlier that energized you this much, but you just can’t fall asleep. You’re not even really tired.

This whole situation is still a little too surreal for you to comfortably relax and fall asleep without the assistance of medication. Now that you’re not on drugs anymore, sleep just isn’t naturally coming. You’re awake, and by the feel of it, you will be for some time.

May as well do something. Your tiny ass bed isn’t comfortable anyway, and you will not miss it.

You struggle your way back into your microscopic wheelchair before heading out again.

The hallway lights are still on and are as bright as ever, and it takes a moment for your eyes to adjust. It’s weird those lights are this bright. You still can’t tell if electricity exists in this land.

Ah well. Who cares. It’s not a thought you should get hung up on.

You roll into the hallway and close your door behind you. To your left is a long hallway. To your right is a long hallway. No guards here.

Question now is: Where should you go? You still don’t know where anything is whatsoever. You have a vague idea as to where the Dining Hall is, but no sense in going there. It’s like 2 in the morning.

You kinda remember where the garden is. Seeing as the garden is the only place in the castle where you actually know where it is, you decide to head there. It’s not like you have anything else to do. And even if you did have something else to do, you wouldn’t know how to get there.

You start rolling towards the garden.

==========

There are no guards immediately outside your room, but there are a few Royal Guards in some of the other hallways leading to outside this time of night, looking diligent and threatening as ever. They won’t make direct eye contact with you, but you can’t escape the feeling that they’re watching your every move.

But that’s probably because they are.

It makes you nervous every time you have to wheel by one of them. You’re just waiting for them to jump scare you. One day they will, and you will poop your pants.

After a few twists and turns, you come across a window, and right outside the window is the castle’s lovely garden.

Fuck. How do you get out there?

You can see it, but how do you get outside? This is ridiculous.

You continue down the hall in the hopes of finding a door or something. As far as you can tell, the only way out to the garden would be going out the window, but you probably wouldn’t be able to get the chair through it. There should be a door or something around here somewhere.

The problem with this castle is that everything looks the same. The walls in this hallway are the same color as every other hallway. The only thing that kinda distinguishes the hallways are the pieces of artwork, most them paintings of what you can assume are famous historical ponies or events or pretty landscapes.

And the problem with that is they all look the same to you. For all you know, you could be seeing the same painting over and over again. You might have just spent all day rolling up and down the same hallway over and over again.

It also doesn’t help that all the guards look the exact same. How can you tell where you’ve been?

Unless that pink princess comes back to rescue you from yourself, you’ll probably die wandering these halls.

During your confused inner monologue, you have managed to find a door that connects to a stone path and leads outside.

Everyone gets lucky once in a while.

The stone path is surprisingly smooth and you wonder how much time it took to complete this whole thing. The craftsmanship is impeccable, and it makes for a comfortable ride in your chair.

Question now is: Where should you explore?

The garden is awfully big, but you don’t want to get lost inside of it. You decide just to roll around the area Princess Celestia and you were earlier. That section was pretty enough.

As you roll outside you gaze up at the night sky, remarking on how pretty it is. It’s the fullest night sky you may have ever seen.

The stars are all out, there’s the moon, and not all the sky is just black. Some of it looks kinda purple or something. It’s pretty neat.

You suppose you can see most of the night sky because the city you’re in isn’t lit up all too much. It’s not like New York City or something where all the lights are on all the time so you can’t see the stars.

Perhaps electricity doesn’t exist then.

Feeling adventurous, you wander off a bit, exploring an area of the garden you haven’t seen yet.

==========

Well, there are certainly a shit load of plants out here. It is a garden.

Some plants and flowers are pretty basic; things you’ve seen before. Some flowers, though, are just things you’ve never even thought could exist.

In front of you is a host of several flowers that give off a light green glow, illuminating the general area. They glow in the dark. It’s incredible.

That’s not it, either. Some plants glow in the dark, some are just odd colors in general, and some can move by themselves.

You’re a little too nervous to touch them though.

You want to touch one, but you don’t want to be eaten by any of them. You just assume that’s something that can happen. There’s no reason to think otherwise.

Nevertheless, they’re very aesthetically pleasing.

They’re probably prettier than the flowers back on Earth (assuming you aren’t on Earth anymore, which you do). As far as you know, flowers on Earth can’t glow in the dark.

Okay, you’re not a botanist or anything. They’re just pretty fucking flowers. Fantastic.

While lost in your thoughts about flowers and things you don’t even really care about, a large thud is heard behind you, as if something fell from the sky and crashed into the ground.

Startled, you quickly turn your chair and come face to face with a giant dark blue horse with a flowing blue mane. Her mane looks like it has… miniature constellations in it… it’s gorgeous. Jesus.

Her menacing blue eyes seems to glow in the dark. You want to look away from them, but you find that you can’t.

Her pupils don’t look round. They look kinda narrowed… like a snake.

You remember this pony from dinner: Princess Luna, Celestia’s sister. She was looking at you weird then. She’s look at you weird now.

“G-Good evening, Princess,” you say, clearing your throat. As you remember from earlier, she didn’t look very pleased that you were at the head of the table next to her sister. You’re not sure if you may have offended her. You’ve seen Game of Thrones, so you know how easily royalty gets pissed off, and shit quickly escalates from there.

Honestly, she intimidates you. Even more than Celestia. A lot more than Celestia, actually.

The pretty talking horse Princess intimidates you. It’s an odd thought.

“Good morning,” she offers plainly, a neutral expression on her face as she gazes down upon you.

Well, now what? Is it your turn to talk again? She’s just looking at you like you’re a television or something.

“What brings you to the Royal Garden at this hour?” she asks, thankfully breaking the silence.

Royal Garden is kind of a bland name. They could’ve named it anything, after anyone. But no. Opportunity wasted.

“I couldn’t sleep, Princess,” you say carefully. “Just thought I’d… go for a stroll.” You tell the Princess your full name, saying it’s nice to officially meet her.

“We know who you are. We are Princess Luna, ruler of Equestria, guardian of the night.”

That’s one hell of a title.

“Our sister alerted Us of your presence. She said you shall be staying with us for the foreseeable future.”

“I suppose so,” you squeak out. This pony doesn’t sound thrilled that you’re going to be around for a while. She doesn’t seem to like you.

“We hope you make yourself at home then.”

Her words are friendly, but her tone sounds unpleasant. Is she being sarcastic? She has to be… But what if she isn’t? What if that’s just how she talks?

God.

“Thank you, Princess Luna,” you say, trying to be as courteous as you can manage. “You have a lovely home.”

“Hmm.”

…

That’s her response? Does she not like the castle? Did you already tell her she has a lovely home? You remember saying that earlier to someone.

Should you compliment her? She’s an attractive horse. Or would she take offense to that?

Crap. This just doesn’t feel like it’s going well. And that feeling probably won’t stop. Once something like this starts it usually gains momentum and keeps going.

She seems perfectly comfortable with sitting in silence. You are too, just not in this particular situation. Life will go a lot easier if this pony likes you, so you have to get her to like you.

“Beautiful night, Princess,” you say, breaking the silence.

“‘Tis because We made it that way.”

Back to silence again. How are you supposed to respond to that? You didn’t expect her to say that.

And what does she mean ‘we made it that way?’ That doesn’t make any sense. Oh, that’s right. These ponies think they control the weather and shit. Just play along.

“And you did a bang up job,” you chuckle. Luna looks at you disapprovingly before gazing back up to the sky.

Why did you say that? Who says that? God damn it!

Would it kill this pony to smile or something? Would it destroy her just to show any kind of friendliness whatsoever? Honestly, this is upsetting.

You shouldn’t have gotten out of bed. You shouldn’t have started talking to this pony. Now that you have, there is no escape. You will have to sit here and stare at the sky for as long as she does. There is no way you can just leave when standing in the presence of a Princess. That’s rude.

Until she tells you to go away, you will remain.

==========

This has been the longest 2 minutes of your entire life. This seemingly short amount of time has dragged on for ages; seasons have come and gone, generations have passed, flowers have wilted, died, and been reborn…

And you’re still staring at the moon with Princess Luna.

She hasn’t looked away for even a second. She hasn’t blinked in a long time either. She’s just sitting next to you, staring at the moon. Staring… Endlessly.

And you still can’t bring yourself to move. Did she fall asleep with her eyes open?

This silence is killing you. You just can’t help but feel like you have to say something. You don’t know what to say, and don’t actually want to say anything, but you feel like you need to.

She doesn’t seem like someone who talks a lot. You’ve only known her for about 3 minutes, but that’s how she comes across.

When you saw her earlier at dinner that’s how she seemed too.

It’s odd that she’s supposedly Princess Celestia’s sister. Princess Celestia can talk quite a bit and is very open and friendly. But they probably aren’t actually related.

They’re both huge and have wings and a horn and wavy hair, but that’s all they have in common.

Celestia is white, Luna is blue. Celestia is smiling and outgoing, Luna isn’t coming across that way. Maybe they’re related. Maybe they just refer to each other as sisters.

They have cutie marks that are exact opposites...

Why is she just staring at the moon anyway? What sort of special connection does she have with it? Sure, she has a picture of the moon on her ass, but what does that even mean?

You forgot to ask Celestia about her cutie mark earlier. Would it be rude to ask? That means you were kinda checking her out.

Well, it doesn’t mean that, exactly, but that might be the way it comes across.

It shouldn’t be too big of a deal to ask. After all, these animals are naked just about 100% of the time. Not to mention that Celestia’s cutie mark is gigantic; it’s impossible not to see it.

It feels weird to refer to them as ‘animals.’ They aren’t animals, you don’t even feel right looking at them that way.

They’re… creatures of some kind. You don’t know what to call them. They’re definitely some kind of hybrid of horses and humans; they have qualities of both. It’s odd to think about. If a horse was a human, it’d be these creatures.

Now that you’re sitting here, focusing more and more on the night sky, you realize how pretty is actually is. The moon is a quarter its normal size, there are more stars than you’ve probably ever seen, and it manages to softly light up the garden without it being bright.

It’s like someone turned down the dimmer switch that controls the day. It’s very relaxing to look at.

“It is pleasing to have company,” the horse finally speaks, startling you a bit. “We have not shared a night with somepony other than Ourselves in several new moons.”

Her speaking in the third person is driving you insane. Why can’t she just speak normally? What century is this woman from?

Hey, at least she’s talking again. That probably means she doesn’t hate you.

“It’s a gorgeous night,” you say, trying to do whatever you can to get away from this horse and back into the safety of your room. It’s nice to have company and all, but you two probably won’t be friends in the future. She’s a little… off putting.

Even if you do see each other in the future, you can’t imagine you two saying more to each other than you have tonight. Oh well.

“We thank you,” she says, continuing her third person thing. “You should get more rest, traveller. We have been informed of your rather eventful day and would suggest sleep, though We do appreciate your company.”

“S-Sure, Princess. We should do it again sometime.”

You have no intentions of keeping that promise, but when a person’s mind believes they could be freed from an unwanted situation, they will say anything just to make an escape. You are no exception.

“We would most appreciate that,” Luna says, and it sounds like she genuinely means it too. You can’t tell if she’s being serious or not; she sounds like she is, but she still has that same blank look on her face. You’ll have to ask Princess Celestia tomorrow, as she’s the only normal one around here. “Do you need an escort back to your room?”

“No, thank you, Princess, I can find my way back.”

You’re not sure if you can or not, but spending more time with this woman isn’t ideal. She scares you a little bit. She scares you even more than Celestia does, and Celestia scares you.

Or she used to anyway. Going to a donut shop with her was kinda surreal, but it was enjoyable. You hope you two do that again.

“Very well,” she says with a nod. “Have a pleasant evening, traveller. We shall be seeing you tomorrow.”

Before you can say anything, her wings flare out and flap, propelling her straight into the air. Her dark form blends in with the night sky and she is gone. The downdraft from her takeoff nearly knocks you over.

Well that was fun.

You best get back to your room before anymore princesses come out and stare at you. You’ve had enough of that for one lifetime.

You eventually find a way out of the garden and roll back into the castle hallways. You think you remember where your room is.

The hallways are empty. Maybe the guards changed shifts? Maybe they’re just hiding. Who knows?

Not you. Not like it matters anyway. It’s nicer to roll through an empty hallway than a hallway with threatening guards all over it.

The journey back to your room is going pretty quickly, as you propel yourself forward a bit faster for the sake of getting out of anymore unwanted confrontation.

You’re still not tired yet, but that’s okay. As long as you’re alone and in your room, everything will be much better.

“Halt!” a voice shouts from behind you. As you are the only person in the general area, you stop your chair and turn around.

There’s one of those golden armored guards approaching you, looking incredibly displeased. What’d you do? Is he yelling at you? Who else would he be yelling at?

“State your business,” the guard demands, having closed the distance between you two.

“I… live here?”

That answer didn’t sound especially confident because it wasn’t. You’re not really sure what your business is here. You suppose you do technically live here. How else could you have answered that question?

“Ha, funny,” he says, not laughing. “You’re under arrest for trespassing on federal property.”

“...Wait, what?”

The guard takes a pair of handcuffs and slaps them on your wrists.

What?

He grips you in his magic, picks you and your wheelchair up, and starts taking you… somewhere.

And you have no idea what’s going on.

==========

Some unicorn is using his magic abilities to pick you and your wheelchair up. They’re taking you to the basement of the castle, which you only assume is where a jail or some sort of dungeon is.

You can’t tell if you’re scared or not. You think you are, but some of that feeling has gotta be just confusion. And maybe a little frustration due to you having no idea what’s going on.

These stairs are steep and there’s no end in sight. At least he isn’t making you walk… or roll down the stairs.

Everything around you is made out of stone. The stones look dark and damp… like a dungeon. They’re throwing you in a dungeon. It’s like every dungeon in a child’s cartoon you remember from your childhood. If there’s a troll at the end of these stairs, you’ll know you’ve been dreaming.

It’s a long way down here. There are dozens of stairs. You may hardly know where anything in this castle is, but at least you know where your bedroom is, where the garden is, and where the dungeon is. All the important stuff.

You eventually make it to the actual dungeon area which consists of a few cells. They’re all empty though, so you suppose that’s a good thing. The guard places you back onto the floor after having carried you for so long.

He wheels you into your cell which you notice is very small. It’s a jail size for a pony, only problem is that you’re bigger than a pony. It’s a simple cell with a bench, a stone floor, stone walls, stone ceiling, and a hole in the ground. It looks barely big enough to fit you and your chair.

You are lifted up and out of your chair and placed directly onto the floor. There’s a bench on the wall in here, but for whatever reason they elected not to sit you on that. The ground is where you are, and it’s where you’ll stay.

It’s not by choice, but because you can’t really move, it’s where you are. Seriously, why did they put you on the floor? That’s just inconsiderate.

The guard walks away after locking you in, taking your chair with them, leaving you alone and mostly immobile.

Well, now what?

What do people do in jail?... They sing the blues… play the harmonica… have sex with each other…

You can’t do any of those things. Literally none. Perhaps you could try singing the blues, but it’s a little early for that. Maybe once you’ve been in here for like, another 20 minutes, then maybe you could give that a shot.

Why did they take your chair? Like, seriously, what was the point of that?

Good work, guards! Good thing you took the chair away! Now there’s definitely no way you can roll out of the cell. That chair was your only hope of escape. With it, rolling out of here would’ve been a piece of cake. Good thinking on their part.

What a bunch of assholes.

Why did you get arrested for trespassing anyway? Aren’t you supposed to be here?

Perhaps you wandered into a restricted area, like they have in Harry Potter. It’s a completely logical thought, and it’s the only thing you can think of.

Problem is, none of the Princesses said anywhere was off limits. Wouldn’t they have told you? Surely someone would’ve told you.

There were guards all throughout the castle, just absolutely everywhere, and none of them told you not to do anything or where you shouldn’t go. Why didn’t they arrest you earlier? Why didn’t they tell you where not to go?

You seriously have nothing to do. No one to talk to, no games to play, nothing. You can see how someone could go insane if this is all they did all day.

Eventually you’re going to have to use the bathroom. That’ll eventually become a necessity. And there’s no toilet in here.

There’s just a hole in the ground that smells foul.

Can you get a lawyer? Can you get a phone call or something? You need to tell someone you know that you’re down here. They didn’t read you your rights. This is all just a misunderstanding of some kind.

Do they have phones or lawyers here? Who would you call?

You’d call Princess Celestia, probably, but how big is her schedule? She might be really busy. It could be days before she finds out you’re here.

Maybe you could tell Twilight or Rarity or one of their friends. But they’re miles and miles away.

Looks like there’s no immediate solution to this problem. They haven’t offered you a lawyer or anything anyway.

You don’t know how the justice system works here at all.

Regardless, you’re alone, and it appears you will be for a while.

==========

You’ve been locked in here for years, probably. It certainly feels that way.

The sky isn’t visible from down here, so there’s no telling what time of day or night it is. It might still be night time, it might be the apocalypse, you don’t know.

The area outside your cell is lit by torches, so at least you can see that much, but there isn’t anything out there to see. Every once in a while a guard walks by, but he never looks over at you. He just walks by.

It might be the same guy every time, it might not. They all look the same.

Are they going to torture you? That’s a stereotype that goes along with dungeons. You don’t see any reason they’d have for hurting you, so maybe not, but that thought keeps creeping into your head regardless.

Surely they won’t, but who knows. It’s a strange world.

“This way, Princess,” you hear one of the guards say from the top of the stairs, his voice echoing off the walls.

Uh oh. One of the princesses is coming? You hope it’s Celestia or… the pink one… whatever her name was. They were nice. They’ll probably help you.

Luna looks mean. She looks like she’d yell at you if you were arrested. She looks like she’d destroy you.

Now you know you’re in trouble. She didn’t seem to like you much when talking to you in the garden. If she found out you broke the law, who knows what would happen.

So much for a first impression.

But hey, maybe it’s Celestia or… God, what was the pink one’s name? Candice? Something like that. It’s like that but weirder.

Your heart starts racing as you wonder who it’s going to be. It’s gotta be one of the princesses.

33% chance it’s not who you want it to be. Either she’ll let you out or leave you here forever.

The guard and the mysterious figure slowly become illuminated as they approach the front of your cell but you still can’t tell exactly who it is. The figure seems to blend in with the background.

Crap. Only one of the princesses is dark enough to blend into the dark.

As they approach your cell, the light from the torches fully reveals them, and it is exactly who you don’t want to be.

Along with the guard who arrested you is Princess Luna, the darkest of the princesses who seems to have the shortest temper.

This isn’t going to be good. yYou brace yourself from your lowly position on the floor. From where you’re sitting she looks even bigger than before, adding to her intimidation factor.

The guard and Luna eventually come to a stop right in front of your cell. The guard looks menacingly down upon you, and Luna…

She looks at you, not with that blank stare she does so well, but with a bit of confusion. You can’t tell what she’s thinking. You haven’t up to this point and you probably never will.

“This is the trespasser,” the guard announces.

Luna says your name, as though making sure it’s you that she’s looking at. It’s good she remembers your name. Maybe that’s a good thing.

“H-Hello, Princess,” you reply quietly, wondering what’s coming next. You should’ve hopped up onto the bench so that you weren’t sitting on the floor. It’d look better.

This won’t be good.

Weren’t you told you could roam the castle and the garden? Did Celestia tell you that? Or was it Luna? You think it was Celestia.

Maybe Luna doesn’t know what Celestia allowed you to do. Uh oh.

This’ll be bad.

“I found him-”

“What the FUCK?!” Luna booms, rattling the sturdy walls, scaring you. Some stones from the wall and ceiling come loose and fall to the floor.

Holy ballsack!

How did she make her voice go that loud? You think you just crapped your pants. Did the entire city not hear that?

Oh my absolute god.

You went from being scared to horrified, just like that. Interesting thing is that she’s not even yelling at you, as she turned towards the guard.

But you still feel afraid.

The guard leaps up and stands at attention, facing Luna and sweating. Meanwhile, Luna lowers her head so that she’s right in the guard’s face, looking as angry as you’ve ever seen her.

“The fact that you do not know who this is implies that you have not been doing your job properly, Corporal. It says to Us that you are not listening to the memos of your superiors. Is Our assumption correct?”

“N-No, P-Princess!” he shouts back nervously, starting to sweat. You’re surprised he hasn’t died of a heart attack. You’re just watching this happen and you feel like you’re about to die.

“No? If We are mistaken, then there is no reason for you to have imprisoned a guest invited to the castle by Our beloved sister, and your Princess! We will ask again: Are you reading the daily memos of your superiors?”

“N-No, Princess!”

“No! Of course not! We already knew that, peasant! You have imprisoned a royal guest. How dare you make so gross a mistake! If Our sister discovered this, she would be twice as angry as Us!”

You’re surprised the stallion hasn’t crapped himself. You think you might.

How does anyone even work here if this is the reprimanding they get? Sure, it sounds like this guy made a pretty large mistake, but if this is how you get scolded for screwing up, you sure as hell couldn’t work here.

Not without getting a few heart attacks and dying of stress.

Luna continues. “We will decide tomorrow if Our sister needs to hear of this.”

Luna’s talking about Celestia like she’s the scary one. Of the two, you’d rather deal with Celestia than Luna, she seems a lot nicer. But Luna, the more strict one in your eyes, speaks of Celestia like she’s the strict one.

Perhaps Celestia was just being nice to you because you’re a guest. She might not be as kind as she lets on, but there’s no way for you to know that yet.

“If you ever even think about making this mistake, if you ever even dream of making this mistake again, We will find out, and We will use your face to clean latrines for the next 200 years! Do We make Ourselves clear?!”

“Y-Yes, Princess!”

“Get him out of there.”

It’s amazing how she can make her voice do that. If she kept it up any longer, you think the whole foundation of the castle would crumble and you’d be crushed. It’s like she has an invisible megaphone or something.

Can all ponies do that? You should ask about that tomorrow or something, that’s so cool. Scary as hell, but cool.

The guard hastily gets the keys and unlocks the door, opening it. Unfortunately, you still can’t move ‘cause your chair is gone.

“And you put him on the floor?” Luna barks, turning back to the guard. “As if him being in a wheelchair wasn’t enough. If We had all year We couldn’t express how stupid you are. Insulting a guest of the Princess is no short of insulting the Princess herself!”

“Yes, Princess!”

“Get his chair!”

The guard bolts away, disappearing into the black background that is the dungeon.

Now you feel bad for some reason. That guard got yelled at so hard that even you feel bad, and it didn’t even happen to you.

That’s how scary that woman’s voice is. Holy shit.

“Are you all right?” Luna asks, saying your name, and genuinely sounding like she wants to make sure you’re okay. It’s kinda touching that she yelled at some dude for you. Her throat must hurt after all that.

“Yes, Princess,” you say, still seated. “I’m fine. I’ve only been down here for a bit.”

“We apologize for the mistake. It will most certainly not happen again. If one of the guards does not recognize you, if one of the guards do not let you to roam the castle, if one of the guards does not let you into the castle, or if one of the guards brings you back down here, tell Us or Our sister, and we will deal with them.”

She said that last part kinda sinisterly. You’re sure it won’t be a problem after this. After tonight, you’d bet every guard this castle has and ever will have will be too nervous to do anything to you.

“Right here, Princess!” the guard announces, bringing forth your wheelchair. Luna takes it away from the guard with her magic, picking you up and setting you back into the chair in just a few seconds.

“We recommend you begin reading Our memos, Corporal Archer,” Luna says, picking you up and starting back up the stairs. “Any more mistakes will not only cost you a promotion, but a job!”

“Yes, Princess!”

You actually feel sorry for the guy. You hope you don’t keep him from a promotion or anything.

==========

“We sincerely apologize for the confusion,” Princess Luna says as you roll next to her. She offered to escort you back to your room, which you thought sounded like a great idea. Not only will you get to learn the way to your room from a different part of the castle, but you’ll actually get to your destination safely.

You want to know more about Luna. You have a lot of questions, but don’t want to get too personal too quickly.

That voice she did was amazing. She could defeat an army with a yell like that. It’s incredible. You’ll have to ask Celestia more about it tomorrow. She’ll probably tell you.

“It’s okay, Princess,” you say, rolling along. “I’ve only been here for a day. Some ponies just don’t know me yet.”

“They should. They have no excuse. We told them who you are, when you’d be coming, and what you looked like. These ponies know better than to mistake you for a trespasser. We take full responsibility for what has happened, and apologize.”

“It’s okay, really. Not that big of a deal.”

Whether or not you actually mean that, you don’t know. Being in a dungeon, scared and alone, sucked.

It was a pretty crappy experience, but right now, you just feel overjoyed to have gotten out. Good thing the guard went to go tell Luna. If he didn’t get someone who recognized you to actually come see you, you’d still be down there.

And that would suck. That would be awful.

You can’t imagine sleeping down there. You can’t imagine spending an entire hour down there.

You make a mental note to never come close to breaking the law in this country. If that’s what all their jails look like, you don’t want anything to do with them.

“We are glad you think that way,” Luna says. “Wars have started over smaller incidents.”

You suppose that’s true, but you’re not going to start a war. Or be anywhere near one, ideally.

After a few moments, you come to your door, which Luna opens for you.

“We bid you a goodnight once again,” Luna says. “Get plenty of rest. Rest assured that another incident like this will never happen again. We shall see you tomorrow.”

“Thank you, Princess. I’ll see you tomorrow,” you repeat, and Luna departs. You shut the door, hop in bed, disrobe, and hit the pillow.

The bed might be small, but it’s really comfortable right now. Damn.

You could sleep for 1,000 years.

As you drift off, you think the same thought you’ve thought before falling asleep every night this week.

It’s been a pretty weird day.

==========

For the first time in quite a while, you’re not drugged out of your mind. You’re in a bit more pain than usual, but it’s worth it to be able to have a clear thought for once.

You’re still in the hospital, but Celestia told you she’s going to try and get you out of here a little early. If anything, the doctors at the castle will monitor you. There’s enough equipment there to start a small hospital anyway.

You’ve gotten passed the point where the doctors thought you actually had a chance of dying, so that’s good to hear.

Now it’s just a long recovery process. The pain apparently will never completely go away, but it will diminish over time. So that sucks, but what are you going to do?

You’re going to deal with it.

They took off your eye bandage this morning. You were hoping for a cool scar or something, but you only got a little one. It’s barely visible and will apparently heal at some point. So that sucks. It wasn’t even worth it.

You had the eye bandage, the doctor told you, to keep your scar from getting infected and then that infection spreading to your eye. That’s a quick way to, not only lose your eye, but to die. You’ve been through too much bullshit to die now.

So much build up for nothing.

That appears to be the only one of your injuries to actually heal, though. Everything else is still here.

You have three holes in your body. For every wound, you can feel your heart beating there. You have an extra heartbeat in your thigh, stomach, and shoulder. It’s weird.

The medication is supposed to help relax you, but you don’t want to be relaxed right now.

You’ve been in the hospital for… How long has it been actually? A week? More than that?

You don’t know. You haven’t been keeping track.

But ever since Celestia has been staying here with you, you haven’t actually had a legitimate conversation. Not really, anyways.

You were both so happy to be alive and with each other again that you didn’t address the tension between you two. There certainly is a bit of tension. You can feel it.

Celestia hasn’t addressed it, so you’ll have to. There’s a lot you haven’t said to this woman that you need to.

No one goes from being in a happy relationship, to breaking up, to getting shot, to getting back together again just like that. Celestia certainly wants it to be like that, and you do too, but you have to talk about what happened. It’s not healthy just to keep your feelings bottled up.

That’s a recipe for a failed relationship, and you intend to be keeping this relationship for the rest of your life.

You can tell Celestia is still mad at you for not obeying her.

Now you just have to get this conversation started. These kind of conversations are a little awkward to try to begin. Especially if the other person doesn’t want to have it.

Not only that, but there are a million other questions you still haven’t asked and have been dying to get answers to. For example, are your friends still alive?

Last you saw them, your closest friends were okay. Soarin and Spitfire and Griff, they might be okay. You don’t know.

While you’ve been here, they’ve presumably been fighting. And maybe dying. You need to know.

You’re guessing you won the battle and any ones since as Canterlot currently isn’t under siege. You think you’d know if it was.

You want to know where your army is right now. How they’re progressing. You hope the war is short.

Being in this hospital room, you don’t know a thing. Celestia hasn’t told you anything, probably as to not worry you. But you think you’re more stressed not knowing than knowing. Even if the news is bad, you still want to hear it.

You look over at your marefriend, and just doing that much makes you as happy as you’ve ever been.

She’s not even looking at you.

She’s been very busy running a country, fighting a war, dealing with you, and who knows what else. If she’s stressed, she’s hiding it tremendously. She’s very very good at hiding her emotions when she really wants to.

Your marefriend has her back towards you, looking over a shit ton of papers. You don’t know what they are and you’re not going to ask. Part of what has made your relationship so successful, you think, is that you leave work at work.

If Celestia is in work mode, you don’t ask about it. If she wants to talk about, great, but you aren’t going to pry. You’re not a politician and you don’t pretend to be. You don’t give her advice or try to help her out.

She knows what she’s doing. She has to.

Even though she is really busy, she probably will be for the next few months at the very least. Maybe even years. If you’re going to have a serious discussion, it ought to be now while the information is fresh.

You’ve missed just looking at the mare. Her pristine white coat, her enormous wings, her big purple eyes, her flowing mane and tail… The sight of it all just relaxes you.

Everything feels okay when you look at her. She’s not something you’re going to be giving up.

“Celestia?” you ask, needing to get her attention.

“Yes, sweetie?” she responds, not looking away from her work.

“Can we talk?”

“We are talking.”

“I’m serious.”

With that, Celestia puts down her papers and turns towards you, reseating herself so that she can get more comfortable.

“All right then,” she says with a bit of a playful smile. “If you’re serious. What shall we talk about?”

“I don’t know how else to bring this up, so I’m just going to say it… I want us to talk about what happened.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You know what I’m talking about.”

Celestia sighs, her ears folding back, smile falling. She doesn’t look especially excited.

“I’m serious. I think we should talk about, lay it all out there, and move on from it.”

“I don’t want to talk about this right now,” Celestia says with a huff.

“Why not? We need to have this discussion.”

“No, not right now, I’m serious. There’s too much going on. There’s a war, you’re not feeling well, I’m going-”

“No. No. I love you, Celestia? Do you understand that I love you?”

“Of course I do. I-”

“Then we need to talk about this. We aren’t going to get anywhere unless we talk about everything that’s happened.”

She takes a deep breath. “I agree, but to have this discussion right now isn’t a great idea.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re medicated. And we haven’t seen each other in months! I don’t want either of us to say anything we’ll regret later. We need some time to organize our thoughts.”

“I’ve had my time.”

“I haven’t.”

“But with the war and everything else going on right now, who knows when we’ll have time to talk about this. I know you’re busy, so I want us to take this time we have now and work this out.”

“I don’t know… I really don’t want us to say… something we’ll regret.”

“We can work through anything. I say we do it now while we have the time. I don’t want to put this off. Eventually it’ll be too late to talk about this. Every time you come in here it just feels… well, awkward. We don’t have to deny what happened, we just need to see each other’s perspective.”

“That’s a very reasonable thought,” she concedes. “I don’t want us to fight.”

“I don’t either.”

“But it will happen.”

“It might. But nothing changes at all if we don’t talk. I know there’s a bit of tension between us even if we are back together again. So let’s just lay it all out there.”

There’s a pause in the conversation as you see Celestia seriously considering what you just said. Hopefully what you said was completely logical and makes sense, otherwise Celestia will find a hole in it and make you look like an idiot. She has that power.

“Okay,” she sighs, putting her papers down and pushing her mane out of her face. “I have a lot to say, but I want you to start.”

“O-Okay,” you clear your throat. “Where should I start?”

“How about you begin with why you left when I ordered you not to?”

Well damn. She said that like she’s been wanting to since you left months ago. It takes you a little off guard. You expected the question, of course, but not the attitude that came with it.

You should’ve expected the attitude though. Celestia gets like this when she doesn’t get her way, and you made sure she didn’t get her way. She may forgive, but she never forgets.

“Okay…” you begin, gathering your thoughts.

Arguing with Celestia is hard, and it has taught you to logically think through every single word you say before you say it, lest she turn it around on you.

“I left…” You clear your throat. “There’s a few reason I left, okay? Listen... One reason I left was because of… obligation. I’m in the army. When they go, I go, and they were going. I wasn’t going to turn my back on them at the last second.”

Celestia sits, waiting for you to finish. The good thing about arguing with her is that she’ll let you get it all out before she retorts.

“I mean… Do you remember the reason I joined the Equestrian Legion in the first place? I was so scared when I came to Equestria. Every little thing that’s apart of your everyday life confused me. I just wanted to go home. When that was no longer an option, I had to make a life for myself here.”

Celestia continues to gaze into your eyes.

“And I did make a life for myself here. A great life. I went from… being scared and confused to being happy and loving, and that’s all because of you and your country and your little ponies. You all accepted me with open arms - legs, I mean. This country has given me everything. Absolutely everything. If it wasn’t for Equestria, I wouldn’t have a job, I might not even be alive, and I most certainly would not be in love.”

Celestia has no reaction, so you continue.

“I was overwhelmed by the kindness I received from everyone. I wanted to find a way to give back to this country. The only way I thought I could do that was to get citizenship and join the army. So I did. If they went somewhere, I was going to go with them. I was going to defend the country that gave me everything, and I was going to do it with pride. I was going to defend this country with or without your permission.”

She’s still just looking at you, soaking in all the information. You wish she’d react somehow or concede that you’re right.

“That was another reason. Like… You’ve never treated me like your subject, which I technically am. I haven’t had a long history of obeying your commands. But that’s because you don’t want someone who will just listen to you all the time. That’s no fun. It wasn’t personal, you know I love you more than anything in the world. If I felt like I could’ve stayed, I would have. But I had a duty.”

“I understand why you left,” Celestia says. “I do. I really do. I understand that you wanted to give back to Equestria; I respect that, I admire that. I know you love this country and felt that you should give back to it. I would like to remind you that I was against you joining the Legion in the first place.”

That’s true, she’s always been strongly opposed to that. But she still let you do it.

“I’m not saying you shouldn’t give back to the land you love. What I’m saying is that you should’ve done it in a more meaningful way.”

“And what way is that?”

“Do you remember what I said to you on the night you left?”

You think for a moment. “Not exactly.”

“I said that you’d be doing a greater service to Equestria by staying here, with me. The only thing that you leaving did was add stress onto me. I was worried sick. Literally sick. It takes a lot of stress to get me sick, but it happened. Do you really think that you were more useful out there than you would have been with me?”

“Yes.”

“Wrong. There are hundreds of thousands of Equestrians ready to fight in battle for their homeland. Anypony in Equestria can do that. But there’s only one being who can be with me throughout these troubled times to... destress their Princess and help her through this. Debatably, many would say I’m the most important pony in Equestria, would you agree?”

“I would.” For a lot of reasons.

“I run this country. I debatably have the hardest job. Would you agree?”

“I would.” She’s laying some kind of trap, you know it.

“The mental health of the Princess of Equestria is one of Equestria’s top priorities, would you agree?”

“I would.”

“Then why did you think it was a good idea for you to leave the Princess of Equestria when she needed you most?”

You think for a second, but Celestia continues anyway.

“I know the military is important, and you are a high ranking official. But I am familiar with my military, and there are plenty of qualified ponies to do your job. 99% of the time, one extra person on the battlefield does not make a difference. 100% of the time, however, one person staying with their Princess when she needs them most makes one hell of a difference.”

Well, she’s got you on the ropes and she ain’t quitting.

“As if running a country, fighting a war, and worrying about you isn’t enough, I was sick. Physically sick. I haven’t been sick in decades, and this is the worst possible time for it to be happening.”

“Okay, so maybe you’re right. Maybe I should’ve stayed. But I didn’t. I did what I did because I wanted to. Maybe you’re right, but what’s done is done.”

“What’s done is done. You have been with me nonstop for a pretty long time now. I needed you more than ever a few months ago, and you left. I was crushed. Absolutely crushed.”

You don’t say anything. She’s looking sadder and sadder as she continues talking, so butting in right now wouldn’t be the wisest of moves.

“I haven’t been in a relationship for a very long time. That feeling I got when you left was the exact reason I’ve been avoiding relationships for centuries.”

“I didn’t mean to make you feel that way,” you say, trying to come up with something. “Of course I didn’t want any of that to happen. It’s not that I left you. I… didn’t. I didn’t really leave you. That whole… That whole situation that night wasn’t about me and you. It was about Equestria. Equestria was going to war, so I went with it.”

“Wrong again. You thought serving your country in battle would be an equal, if not greater, service to Equestria. You might still think that. But you’re wrong. Being with your Princess when she needed you to would’ve been a greater service.”

“Maybe you’re right…” you sigh. “Maybe you’re right. I don’t know. Point is, I did what I had to do. I did it, and it’s over now.”

“It is now. But these past few months have been the longest of my life.”

“Anyone can make the right decision in hindsight. That’s easy. If you never wanted me to fight in a war, you should’ve forbidden me from joining the Legion.”

“I had no reason to think Equestria would go to war in your lifetime. I thought you joining the Legion was actually a relatively safe option. I was wrong.”

“Like I said: hindsight. We see everything clearly now.”

“I was really mad at you… I was going to scream at you when you got back. I was really going to tear into you, I had it planned out and everything. I knew exactly what I was going to say… But when I heard you were back… I was so happy you weren’t dead that I couldn’t even move…”

Celestia’s purple eyes wander over your body, her ears folded back. She puts a golden shoed hoof on the side of your bed which you immediately cover with your hand, looking up at her face, but her eyes continue to gaze over your covered form.

“I just…” Celestia sighs. “I just felt so lonely. After spending everyday and night with you to going to not seeing you at all… it was just lonely. Every night when I went to bed I was reminded you weren’t with me.”

Just listening to her is making you sad. There has been enough emotions in this hospital room these past few days to make a soap opera.

“But we could’ve stayed in contact,” you say. “I wasn’t physically with you but I was still here with you… I still could’ve helped. Or tried. If you wrote me any letters I could’ve written you back.”

“I wrote you several letters,” she claims, and you don’t believe her. “I did. They were… apologetic… regretful… you never wrote me.”

“What? I never got a single letter from anyone. I thought you ended it with me after seeing that newspaper, so I didn’t feel like I should write you if you didn’t want anything to do with me.”

“I know.” Celestia clears her throat. “I wrote you several letters, but I stopped myself from sending them.”

“What? Why?”

So Celestia actually did write to you? Or, she at least tried to apparently. Do you believe that? You don’t see why she’d lie about such a thing, she’s never been one to just make stuff up.

Celestia rubs a gold plated hoof along your bedside. “I believed... that if you were captured and had any letters from me on you, they’d use those letters to find out some secret information or… well, try to forcefully get information out of you. If they thought you had some special information, they’d hurt you to get it. I didn’t want them to think you were valuable to me in case you were captured.”

As depressing as that is, at least it makes sense. That kinda shit happens. Better to leave the enemy with no information.

Nevertheless, they probably knew who you were anyway. You’re hard to miss.

“I don’t want to tell you this, but I’m going to,” she breathes. “I saw the gossip article about me and the ‘mystery stallion.’ I was going to quell those rumors... but I didn’t. If the Destrierians believed we weren’t dating anymore, I didn’t think they could use you against me, if it came to that. It also gives regular Equestrian citizens something to talk about besides war; it’s good to have a distraction… It’s all politics.”

That’s… actually a pretty good idea, now that you’re thinking about it. Theoretically, if you did get captured, you’d be a good target for ransoming or interrogating. But if they didn’t think you knew anything, it’d all probably go a lot easier.

You still hate the fact that it all happened, but everything happens for a reason.

“I see…” you say with a breath, feeling that Celestia is right. You don’t want her to be. You want to be right. Being wrong sucks, but you can’t think of anything to counter what she said.

“I knew it’d hurt. I thought maybe if you thought I had moved on, it would make you mad; make you ready for a battle. That was the idea anyway. I didn’t want to hurt you. I wanted to write you saying what I was planning, but…”

“Can I read those letters?” you ask. “Do you still have them?”

Celestia’s snowy cheeks glow red. “I-I do still have them, yes… I’ll let you read them later.”

“Why not now?”

“They’re all the way back in our bedroom… I reread them last night and they’re a little… sappy.”

“What’s wrong with a little sappiness?” you ask with a smile. Now you really want to read them.

“It’s just embarrassing. I’ll let you see them later.”

“But now I’m thinking about it and I really want to see them. How-”

Just then, the door opens and in walks a doctor. He’s smiling while holding a needle, which is terrifying. Needles suck; that’s one thing everyone in the universe can agree on.

“Oh, good,” Celestia sighs. “The doctor is here. Get some rest, sweetie, we’ll finish this discussion later.”

Celestia looks incredibly happy to be getting out of a conversation she didn’t want to have in the first place. You pout and roll your eyes.

“Congratulations,” you say to her.

She smiles at you. “I’m glad we had that talk. We can discuss some more after a nap.”

The doctor says something, but you’re not paying attention. You wanted this to keep going. It’ll have to wait a bit.

The doctor and Celestia start chatting about something, but your hearing gradually begins to fade out…

Your vision becomes blurry… then dark…

Then you’re asleep.

==========

You wake up from another relaxing nap. Celestia is still reading next to you, sipping at a cup of tea. Good thing she’s still here.

Then again, she’s almost always here.

Maybe it was good you had that nap. It was nice, you feel refreshed, and the pain from earlier has significantly diminished. All good things.

Your head still feels like it’s screwed on straight, which means that you can still have some serious discussions with your girlfriend.

Part of you wants to give her a break, though. She does look really busy. Busier than you’ve ever seen her. She hasn’t stopped working since all this crap began. By the end of the war she’s going to be exhausted.

She’s probably exhausted now.

You don’t know how she does it. It’s magic, surely.

However, the part of you that wants to talk wins out. It could be a long time before Celestia gets all her other business taken care of, so she may as well get all your business over and done with while she can.

Then she won’t have to worry about it again.

“I want to talk again,” you say, your mind not allowing yourself to fully relax. There have been too many thoughts going around in your head these past few days for you to feel even slightly at ease.

“Hmm?” Celestia asks, not really paying attention. She’s got much more going on right now. “How was your nap, dear?”

“I want to talk to you again. I have some questions, I thought you’d be able to answer them.”

“I imagine I’ll be able to. Not a lot goes on without me hearing about it.” She puts down her papers and turns to you a bit with a soft smile. She scooches up to the side of your bed, which is the closest she’s sat to you in a few days. “What do you got?”

“I want you to be completely honest with me.”

“I always am.”

“I don’t care if it hurts my feelings, I need to know some things.”

“Okay.”

“Okay… How are you doing?”

“I’m well,” Celestia laughs. “How are you?”

“I-I’m fine, but I meant more like ‘how have you been?’ I… haven’t seen you in a long time, I haven’t asked how you were doing in months.”

“Well…” she breathes. “I’m a lot better now, I can say that. It’s been a long couple months. But… it’s not something I haven’t done before, I’ve fought many wars… Only difference is that now I have you. So, very stressful. Now that you’re back, life will be a lot easier.”

“So you’ve been stressed?”

“I’m always stressed. It’s a mystery to me as to why mine and Luna’s manes haven’t turned gray by now. I deal with it a lot better these days; there aren’t many things in life I haven’t done. With more life experience comes less anxiety.”

“So you’re still stressed?” you ask, as she hasn’t said otherwise.

“Of course. I run a country and it’s at war. I’ll always be stressed for one reason or another, but I hide it pretty well.”

“Unfortunately you do.”

“There’s no changing that. You not being around was scaring me, but now that you’re back and getting healthy... it’s one less thing I have to worry about. I just take things as they come.”

That she does. She doesn’t seem to put a lot of preparation into most things. It’s amazing how she’ll occasionally have some ancient enemy from like 1,000 years ago just pop up and attack her, and she’s all like “wtf?”

Like, how could you not see that coming? Shouldn’t you plan ahead for some of these things? You have centuries to do so, but it still manages to come as a surprise.

However, even without her forethought, she still wins. There hasn’t been an enemy yet who has completely defeated her. If someone had, Celestia wouldn’t still be running an empire.

“But really, I’m fine,” Celestia claims. You assume she’s telling the truth as she usually does. “How have you been feeling? Stressed at all?”

“Well, sure,” you respond. “How could I not be? There’s a bunch of shit going on these days. I don’t have the life experience that you do. These past few years have been the most bizarre experiences of my imagination.”

“I bet.”

“I never would’ve imagined… anything like this happening, you know? Getting thrown into a world of talking ponies? Done that. Fall in love with the ruler of said ponies? Done that. Fight in a miniature pony war, which isn’t nearly as fun as it seems? Done that. Get shot three times? Done that too. So yeah, I guess I’ve been stressed for a while.”

“You do a pretty good job at hiding too.”

“I’ve been trying to. No sense in just freaking out all the time. I’m trying my best not to worry you.”

“Keep trying, you’re not doing a good job.”

“Like you said, it’s best to deal with shit as it pops up.”

“I think it’s pretty sound advice.”

“How about everypony else? I’ve been in the hospital for a while now, but you’re the only one to visit me. How’s Luna and Cadence and the rest of them doing?”

“Busy, very busy.” Your Princess sighs, sounding exhausted. “We’ve all been running around; lots to do. It’s times like these I’m glad there’s more than one Princess. I used to do all this crap by myself.”

You chuckle a bit. When you first met Celestia, she didn’t seem to be the type of pony to casually use words like ‘crap’ in a sentence; she was more proper than that. Maybe you’re rubbing off on her. It’s just funny to hear her say that.

“It’s easier now than it used to be; it allows me to be here with you, so I’m thankful for that. As for why nopony has visited, it’s because I haven’t allowed anypony to.”

“Oh?”

“Mm-hmm. I don’t want anypony in here with you except your doctor and myself; I don’t want ponies in and out of here all day. You need your rest, and even with just me in here you’re barely getting any.”

“If you leave me alone in here I swear I’ll try escaping.”

“I know, I know, which is why I’m still here, don’t worry.”

You’re serious about the escape attempt thing. If you had to be alone in a hospital… again… you’d do what you tried the first time, which is escaping. And with you in this relatively better condition, you’d succeed.

The first attempt almost worked, and that was when you were on so many drugs that you couldn’t see straight. Now you’re on slightly less and have one good leg, so getting out here would be relatively simpler.

Celestia continues. “That’s why nopony else needs to be here. There’s enough ponies outside with cameras already, you don’t need a bigger crowd.”

“Who’s outside?”

“Paparazzi kinda guys. They want a picture of your injuries. Some places are offering a lot of money for a picture of you.”

“Oh. They’re still here?”

“Still here. Doesn’t look like they’ll be leaving anytime soon either. I don’t want them in here, I don’t want them talking to you. With all the gossip going around these days, the last thing I want to do is add to it in any way whatsoever. It’s just gotten ridiculous.”

Speaking of gossip…

You saw a newspaper article a little while ago about Celestia and… some other guy. A mystery stallion.

He was a handsome guy, you’ll admit it. And just seeing that picture almost gave you a heart attack. You think you have a right to know who that was. Celestia still hasn’t told you.

“Speaking of gossip,” you begin, and Celestia looks at you like she already knows where this is going. “Who is this mystery stallion of yours?”

Celestia rolls her eyes so hard you see nothing but the whites of her eyes for a few moments. If she rolled them any harder they would’ve gone up to the top of her eye socket and come out the bottom.

“He is my new political advisor,” she says dryly.

You don’t say anything. You remember her old political advisor; some old guy… what was his name? Kielbasa?

Something like that.

You can’t remember off the top of your head, but he was a genuine asshole. He didn’t like you from the start. Celestia getting rid of him was one of the happiest moments of your life.

Now she got another one. You’re not happy.

“You don’t appear pleased,” she observes.

“I’m not,” you pout like a child. “I’m really not.”

“I know what the article said, it was just stupid gossip. These things-”

“It’s not that,” you cut her off. “I know you aren’t seeing anybody else now, I know that. Why do you need a new political advisor? Honestly, why?”

“Because, in large part thanks to you, I didn’t have one.”

“Why do you need one? What sort of valuable insight does this guy have that you need? Does he have some life experience that you don’t? ‘Cause I doubt it.”

“You don’t sound happy.”

“I’m not even close to being happy.”

“Are you mad at me?”

You take a deep breath. “No, of course I’m not. I know you know what you’re doing. But… just why? Why? Honestly, why? The last guy you had advising you was a douchebag.”

“Mr. Kiusa was just doing his job. He was always wary of new things, and I let him go when he crossed the line. This new guy is nothing like him. He’s the exact opposite, if anything.”

“How am I supposed to know that?”

“I’ll let you meet him, yourself. How does that sound? If you don’t like him, I’ll fire him.”

“No you won’t.”

“I won’t because I know you’ll like him. He’s smart, he offers a new perspective, and I need somepony by my side to keep me politically engaged.”

“Ugh! Why? Why don’t you give him to Luna or something?”

“Luna doesn’t work well with others.”

“Cadence, then.”

“She doesn’t want an advisor.”

“Then why do you?”

“I have more responsibilities than she does. I need a political advisor. Don’t be a baby. I know you didn’t like Kiusa, I know that, but you can’t just assume that all political advisors want to control me and get rid of you.”

“It happened, so I can assume that and I do.”

She rolls her eyes again. “Do you want to meet him? Yes or no?”

“Uh, hell yeah I want to meet him. If this guy is so great that you’re hiring him to be one of the most powerful people in the country and that ponies across Equestria think you’re screwing him, fuck yeah I want to meet him.”

Celestia’s face turns a little red as she looks disapprovingly down upon you. “Watch it. You’re very frustrating sometimes, you know that? A mare with less patience would tell you do deal with it, but I’m refraining from profanity and staying calm. If you want to meet him, then fine. I will introduce you.”

“Now?”

“No, not now. Have you listened to anything I’ve said?”

“Yes, believe it or not I’m listening. I just don’t like this.”

“I see that.”

“I’m going to be thinking about this all week unless I meet the guy. So let me meet him so I can tell him to his face that I don’t like him.”

“I’m not doing that.”

“Why?”

“Seriously? I’m not bringing a friend of mine here so that you can yell at him for literally no reason.”

“So he’s a ‘friend’ now, huh?”

“For the love of-... Yes, I have friends other than you. He has become one of them. I strongly suggest you choose your next words carefully.”

She’s mad. It’s a solid mixture of anger and frustration and it’s written all over her pretty white face. Her purple eyes are slightly narrowed at you, her ears are folded back, and she’s looking down at you, having had enough of your insolence.

You can’t help yourself. You’re mad. The biggest problem you have is that you don’t and never really have seen Celestia as a Princess; as somepony in charge of you.

For example, if you met the President of the United States face to face, you’d be a little intimidated and control yourself a lot better. Equestrians react the same way when they’re around Celestia.

But you don’t. She’s not your ruler, she’s never proclaimed herself to have authority over you. It’s great because it’s that kind of attitude that actually lead you to being okay with asking her out and dating her in the first place.

It’s bad because you talk to her like she isn’t an all powerful wizard goddess that rules an empire and can destroy you with a thought.

Even though she’s mad at you, you need to show her how you feel. Has she forgotten as to why you hated her old political advisor? Of all the ponies in the world, you hate him the most.

Well, he’s top 3 in your most hated list. He’s higher than Blueblood.

You don’t really ‘hate’ Blueblood, though. He’s just annoying as shit, if anything. No reason to hate him. He never tried to keep you and Celestia from each other. He didn’t denounce you.

But somepony did. And who would that pony be? Mr. Kiusa: Celestia’s old advisor. He never liked you, you never liked him. You think he got a little power hungry and overstepped his boundaries.

Why should this guy be any different? If this guy sees an opportunity to get more power than what Celestia has already given him, what makes you think he won’t take it?

The first time you saw the guy was in a newspaper with your girlfriend. The press seemed to think they were getting it on.

Why? Did the press forget you existed? Why would the press immediately assume this guy was getting with Celestia? Like, what the fuck. Did they have a reason to make up and print that dumbass story that you had the displeasure of reading miles away from your beloved? Was it a joke?

You want to find who printed that article, cut off their legs, and make them roll around everywhere like an unwanted hot dog. The stress and anxiety and depression and trouble that article caused helped literally no one.

Sometimes ‘freedom of the press’ makes you sick.

“I don’t mean to doubt you,” you say, after a thought, not wanting to piss Celestia off even more. “But do you see why I’m not okay with your decision?”

“I do... but you’re wrong, so I’m not changing my mind. You’re generalizing everypony in my government because you don’t like some of them.”

That’s true, you hate ‘em. Mostly, anyways.

“You haven’t even met the stallion.”

“I know I haven’t. Do you know the first place I saw him?”

“You actually saw him?”

“I saw a picture of him in the newspaper. Him and you.”

“And the headline was ‘Mystery Stallion,’ or something. I know, I saw it.”

“I saw that the day before my battle. It’s amazing I didn’t die of a heart attack right there. The thought that you moved on almost immediately after I left crushed me.”

“I didn’t move on.”

“Yeah, I know that now, but I didn’t then.”

“Are you blaming me for something?”

“No. But you gotta see this from my perspective.”

“I am! The first time you saw this guy was in a picture implying that I was sleeping with him. Correct?”

“Y-Yes.”

“I know that must’ve been upsetting, to say the least. I know how that must have made you feel. But now you know that I’m not seeing him in that way, and I never will. I hired him to advise me politically. I’ll see him when I work, at an occasional party, nothing more. He is my subordinate, not my love interest. I’m not that desperate to get laid. I didn’t write that article, he didn’t write that article. You’re blaming the wrong ponies.”

She’s right again. You know that in the back of your mind, but you’re feeling too stubborn to submit. You haven’t been right in an argument with her all day and it’s making you upset.

“Fine,” you concede, upset. “Hire who you want, you’re the Princess, you make the calls. But I don’t want to meet him anymore. I don’t want see him or talk to him or anything.”

“I know you have a bad taste in your mouth because of Kiusa, but he was rare. Most ponies do their job and think twice about what they tell me to do. He didn’t, so he’s gone. I can’t remember the last time somepony did something like that. It’s been a while since I’ve had an advisor, and I need one now more than I have in… hundreds of years. I need somepony to work for me, but I also need you to give him a chance.”

“It doesn’t matter if I like him or not, he’s not advising me.”

“It does matter,” she says, touching your hand with a golden shoed hoof. “I want you to like him. There’s no reason for you two to not get along. He really is a nice guy. He didn’t have anymore to do with the newspaper article than I did; it was just gossip. Stupid gossip. I really want you to meet him.”

“But why?” you groan.

“I think you’ll become good friends. He’s a good guy. I like him. Is that not enough of a reason for you to want to meet him?”

“No,” you pout.

“There’s no reason for you not to like him. If you want to hate somepony, hate whoever printed that article.”

“I do. I really do.”

“Good. Now stop hating my new advisor. He’s done nothing to you. He’s smart, he’s funny, you’ll get along great.”

“Celestia, it doesn’t matter if we like each other.”

“It really does. He needs to feel comfortable around me to do his job properly. And he won’t feel comfortable around me if you don’t like him.”

“If you want me to get along with him, then fine. I’ll be his best fucking friend.”

“I never said you had to get along with him. That choice is completely up to you. What I’m asking you to do is give him a chance. That’s all. I really think you’ll like him. Please, baby, when have I ever asked you to do something like this?”

For God’s sake she’s not letting up. Knowing her, she’s not going to either until you submit. That’s how she works.

She doesn’t stop until she gets what she wants. She’s a pony but she’s like a shark.

“Fine, fine, fine,” you say. “Fine, fine, fine. I’ll meet him, whatever. Let’s just do it. Bring him in.”

“I didn’t mean he was coming over right now.”

“Okay, so just… summon him here.”

“Do you not remember our earlier conversation? I don’t want anypony but me and a doctor in here with you.”

“Yeah, but I’m not going to stop thinking about this guy until I meet him, I need to meet him.”

“Still don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“If he’s half as nice and obedient and intelligent as you make him sound, then this’ll be no big deal. Just bring him in, he can introduce himself, he can leave. I can’t stand having not met this guy, it’s going to drive me insane.”

Celestia takes a deep breath, which tells you that she’s at least thinking about what you requested.

“Please?”

She licks her lips.

“Pretty please?”

“Fine… But for only one minute. 60 seconds. No, 30 seconds. I’ll be timing. Then he leaves and you go back to sleep. Got it?”

“Got it.”

“Good.”

Celestia stands and walks towards the door. Meanwhile, you sit back and stare at her. How you’ve missed her.

And that ass. It’s gotten bigger, you think. The sun has definitely gotten bigger. Maybe she’s been stress eating.

She sure does love her sweets. That’s the first real thing you ever learned about her.

She can put away donuts like nobody else. But that’s nothing compared to how she eats strawberry cake. She’s really got a weakness for strawberry flavored anything.

Except strawberries themselves, really. You don’t know why.

You’ll talk to her about her butt later. Now’s not the best time. Or place.

She opens the door, pokes her head out for a moment, then closes the door and walks back over to you.

“Don’t act like you weren’t checking me out,” she says.

“I think those days are over,” you respond, running your eyes freely over her body. “Most of my time and effort used to go into not getting caught but now I don’t care.”

“I know. I still knew you were doing it. Everypony thinks they’re so sneaky, but I can see you. Now go to sleep.”

“Sleep? But that guy-”

“Is coming over in a bit. It’ll be a little while, so sleep now.”

“I-”

“Sleep or I’ll make you sleep.”

“You gonna hit me?”

“Right in the nose.” She pretends to bop you on the nose with a hoof.

“Fine,” you pout, settling in and closing your eyes.

Even though you actually do try, you can’t sleep. You’re just lost with your thoughts, wondering what this guy is going to be like.

==========

A series of knocks emanate from the door, causing you to open your eyes.

“That’s him,” Celestia announces. “Wake up - Oh, you’re already awake. Good. Are you ready?”

“Shit yeah I’m ready,” you say sitting up a bit. You’re more than ready for this. This guy just needs to give you one excuse for you to jump out of your bed and go at him.

“Calm down. You’re not going to fight him.”

“No promises.”

“At least pretend to try to like him. First impressions. I don’t want you to think he’s an ass and I don’t want him to think you’re an ass. It goes both ways here.”

“Who’s opinion is more important?”

“Yours, of course.”

“Damn right. Let’s do this.” You fixate your eyes on the door, preparing yourself.

“I’m serious. Don’t be an ass.”

Without getting up, Celestia magically opens the door, and in walks a single stallion. This stallion is a unicorn, has blond hair, a white coat, and a quill and ink jar as a cutie mark, you immediately note.

Yep. He’s the guy from the infamous picture.

What a douchebag.

Neither you nor Celestia move or say anything as he closes the door behind him and approaches the foot of your bed.

As the stallion approaches, he pauses and takes a deep bow, his head going all the way down to the floor while the rest of his body stays where it is.

Wait a minute, you don’t even know the mother fucker’s name. No one told you his name. Celestia didn’t even mention it.

“Thank you for having me, Princess Celestia,” he begins. He has a nice voice, you’ll give him that. “I am honored to finally make your acquaintance, Lieutenant,” he says. Saying your full name.

Well… he called you ‘Lieutenant.’ As someone who has earned that position, you enjoy when you are addressed that way. He’s off to a good start.

But you still don’t like him, so you don’t say anything.

“You may stand, Quincy,” Celestia says, seeing that you’re not going to say anything. “Thank you for coming on short notice.”

“Of course, Princess. I’m at your command.” He stands up nice and straight and remains at his place at the foot of your bed.

So his name is ‘Quincy.’ Interesting…

Well, it actually isn’t interesting whatsoever, but at least you know the bastards name now.

Celestia says your name, getting your attention. “This is Quincy Quillton. His ancestor, Quilty, invented the quill many centuries ago. I met him on several occasions, he was a very intelligent stallion, just like Quincy here.”

“Oh, please, you are much too kind, Princess. I merely hope I can live up to the expectations that have been put upon me.”

You still don’t say anything. You’re too upset to say anything honestly. Doesn’t matter who wrote the article, you still don’t like this guy.

You don’t like his face, you don’t like his hair, you don’t like him.

“How are you feeling, sir?” Quincy asks.

“Fine.”

There is a long pause in the conversation as nopony knows what to say, which was the result you were hoping for. The more awkward the meeting, the better.

The only sound is the intermittent beeping of your heart monitor, showing that you’re still alive.

After a moment, Quincy coughs.

“Forgive me if I appear nervous,” he clears his throat. “Ever since that newspaper article was published I’ve been anxious to meet you. I was hoping our first meeting wouldn’t be awkward… and I hoped you didn’t believe anything the article said. I was hoping you wouldn’t see it all, actually, so we could just avoid this whole situation. It was all fabrication, and made my move to Canterlot very… well, awkward, for everypony.”

“It was a strange time for us all,” Celestia says. “That’s just the kind of stuff you have to deal with as a politician. But do not worry over the article, Quincy. We have gotten over that a long time ago. Right, dear?”

Celestia uses her magic to give your ear a mean flick, having had enough of you acting like a baby.

“Ah, yes,” you say, rubbing your ear. Celestia was so quick with that move that you didn’t even see her horn light up, but she’s looking down at you menacingly, so you know she did it. “We’ve gotten over it a long time ago. Water... under the bridge.”

“Good,” Celestia says. “Time’s up. Thank you for dropping in Quincy, it is much appreciated, but we have a lot of work to get back to.”

“You’re very welcome, Your Majesty,” he bows again. “Thank you for having me. It was an honor meeting you, sir,” he says with a big smile, showing off his impeccable white teeth before another bow. “I hope we get to know each other very well and I wish you a speedy recovery.”

You don’t say anything again. Instead, you choose just to watch him turn, walk out the door, and leave.

You can hardly bring yourself to look at Celestia. You know she’s giving one of those ‘told you so’ sorta looks.

Turning to look at her, you find that you are exactly correct.

“Well?” Celestia asks, looking down at you with a smile.

“He seemed nice,” you admit.

“See?” Celestia smiles over confidently. “I’m always right. He was perfectly pleasant despite you acting like a petulant foal.”

You roll your eyes, not arguing with that comment. “He speaks well.”

“Very well. He’s an intelligent guy.”

“Where’d you meet him?”

“I was introduced to him by the President of Hoofvard University. Quincy studied law, political science, and psychology. He graduated top of his class a few years ago and became a lawyer. He was going to run for mayor, and he definitely would’ve won, but I hired him.”

“Why him?”

“He’s very well educated, very smart, and he has a good temperament. If a pony disagrees with somepony long enough then eventually they’ll get frustrated and start shouting and fighting. I was impressed that no matter how many times someone disagreed, he kept his composure and simply gave his opinion.

“Here’s what impressed me most, though. I was watching him and another lawyer debate opening Equestria’s borders to increase trade; it wasn’t an official debate, just talk amongst friends. Quincy was for it, the other pony was against it. They argued and debated facts and after about a half hour or 45 minutes, Quincy composed himself, thought for a moment, and conceded that his opponent was correct and that he was wrong. That is what impressed me. He has the ability to actually listen to somepony else’s point of view and allow it to change his own. Most ponies become so entrenched in their own ideas that, no matter how much debating is done, they’ll never change their opinions. He allowed himself to look from a different point of view and completely change what he believes, and that is one of the hardest things for anypony to do. He isn’t afraid to be wrong. That’s the kind of pony I want to help run my country.”

Well, that is an excellent point. A lot of people just hear what they want to hear, and even if they’re wrong, they won’t budge. But that in itself doesn’t make him qualified for the job. But, like Celestia said, he is very well educated.

“It takes more effort to look at yourself and think you may be mistaken than for you to look at somepony else. It’s easy to say ‘I’m right, you’re wrong,’ it’s hard to say ‘You’re right, I’m wrong.’ Ponies that can do that should be in power, not the other way around.”

“That is a good point, Celestia.”

“I have confidence that, with his help, Equestria will continue to prosper. I expect nothing less.”

“How old is he?”

“Hmm… Probably around 25.”

“That’s pretty young to have that kind of power.”

“It’s very young to have that kind of power. I was around that age when Luna and I founded Equestria. These first few years for him will be a tremendous learning experience, as it was for me, but the only way anypony learns anything is through doing. He’s a bright guy; in a few years he’ll be wise enough and ready to start his own country.”

“What if he tries doing that?”

“Tries doing what? Starting his own country?”

“Yeah.”

“I wish him luck, it’s harder than most ponies think.”

“What if he tries overthrowing you?”

“Pfft!” Celestia laughs. “He would fail. But he won’t try anything like that. He has a great record. He’s not a troublemaker, he’s never broken any law, he had perfect attendance at Hoofvard and at his high school, he claims to have never had a sip of alcohol in his life and I believe him, and all of his friends and everypony associated with him also have pristine records and are upstanding citizens. There is absolutely no reason to feel threatened by him.”

“I was just wondering.”

“It’s good to wonder, but he checks out. I did my research before I hired him. Do you feel better now that you met him?”

“A little, I guess.”

“See? Admitting you were mistaken is a difficult process.”

“Yeah, yeah,” you pout, hating to be wrong, but you’re working on it. Maybe this Quincy guy will turn out all right after all.

“I love you,” Celestia says, kissing your cheek. “Now go to sleep.”

“Wait, I’m not done yet.”

“Yes you are. I got him, 30 seconds have gone by, he left, now you go to sleep. Done deal.”

“I just got a few more questions.”

“Can’t they wait until later?”

“I just want to ask them while I’m thinking about it. I said I had a few questions and the only one I’ve asked is how you were doing.”

“Yes, and that one question turned into a half an hour of a conversation. As much as I love and appreciate you wondering how I’m doing, I need to make sure you get better. You need to go back to sleep.”

“Just a few more,” you request. “I’m not going back to sleep until I ask these questions.”

“Fine,” she sighs, conceding. “Ask away.”

“Thank you… Well…”

You don’t even know how to turn the conversation into the direction you want it to be going. There are a few questions you have about the military you want to ask, but it just feels awkward to try to bring it up.

But you have to do it. It’s been nagging at you.

“How’s my Century doing?” you ask. “Have you heard anything?”

“I don’t know off the top of my head the exact number of casualties, but I know they were… relatively small. Relatively small.”

You’re not sure if you should feel relieved at all. That information tells you just about nothing.

“Protecting the left wing in battle is a tremendous responsibility, but you and your Century held firm, I know that much is true. It was a decisive victory for us, and the Destrierians have been on the run ever since. We’re chasing them north, trying to force them out of Equestria.”

“So the army’s doing well then?”

“I’d say so,” she nods. “General Maximus is a smart stallion, he knows what he’s doing. The Destrierians don’t look fully prepared for a war; they haven’t won a battle yet and it doesn’t appear they will anytime soon, knock on wood. I hope this whole thing will be over in just a few more months.”

“That fast?”

“It’ll depend. Once we force out the Destrierians from Equestria, I’ll consider negotiating. If nothing comes from it, I’ll invade their homeland. It’s nothing I haven’t done before. Ideally, they’ll be smart when negotiating and end the war. All I want is King Belmont and Queen Preakness. I’ll get them one way or another.”

Well, it’s good that she seems to know what she’s doing. “Have you heard anything about Mace or Sherman? I want to know how my Century is doing if I can’t be there.”

“Your friends? I don’t know. With all that’s been going on recently I didn’t even think to ask. But I can find out in a couple days.”

She turns away for a moment to scribble something down on a piece of paper before turning back to you.

“Anything else?” she asks.

“This whole thing started because the Destrierians wanted the Elements of Harmony.”

“Correct.”

“How are Twilight and the rest of them then? If this whole thing started because of them I wouldn’t think they’d be too pleased.”

“Oh! I didn’t tell you? I must’ve forgotten. Twilight and her friends are all in Canterlot. They’ll be staying here where I can keep an eye on them for a while. They’ve been here for weeks.”

“They’re here?”

“Mm-hmm. But I won’t allow them to visit you yet. They want to, though. They’ve been asking about you. You’re right, they haven’t been their usual cheerful selves these past few weeks, but they’re okay. They hate being cooped up in the city, with the exception of Rarity. I can’t let them leave yet, though. It’s for everyone’s safety.”

“Yeah I understand. At least they’re safe, that’s what matters.”

“Exactly.”

“...I guess that’s it. That’s all I can think of right now.”

“Good then. Now go to sleep. If the doctor knew I’ve been keeping you up as much as I have he’d kick me out.”

“I’d like to see him try,” you say, nestling yourself in, trying to get comfortable.

Hospital beds have never been your favorite surface, but you seem to be on them quite a bit. Worst part about it that you don’t fit on any bed in this world unless you’re sharing it with Celestia.

Everything is just… miniature. It’d be adorable if it wasn’t so inconvenient.

At the foot of your bed is a table with some cushions on it to support your calves and feet. It’s not comfortable, but you’re not complaining; not outwardly, anyway. No sense in it. You live with the cards you’re dealt.

“I have one last question, actually,” you say, getting Celestia’s attention back once more.

“Ask away.”

“Am I a coward?”

Celestia’s smile falls as she continues to look at you, that question certainly surprising her. “A coward? Of course not! Why would you think such a thing?”

“It’s… There’s a whole war going on right now. There are guys still out there who probably have worse injuries than me, but they’re still out there. Meanwhile, the second I get hurt I get taken away to a nice warm hospital with a Princess by my bedside.”

You take a deep breath.

“I just don’t feel right being here while my soldiers are still out there… I feel like shit.”

“You stop that right now,” she demands, sounding serious. “Don’t you ever feel like a coward. You were on the frontlines of battle, knowing full well you could die at any moment, but that didn’t stop you from fighting.”

“But all those guys who died-”

“Would you feel better if you were dead?”

“Well, n-no, I-”

“Exactly. The ponies who feel the best after a battle are the one’s who died. They’re not called cowards. They don’t have to fight anymore. But is it worth it? No. It’s cowardice if you didn’t do your part. You’ve done more than your part. I’ve read the after action reports; you are most certainly not a coward. I don’t want you to think that ever again.”

Well, that makes you feel a bit better. There’s just that one nagging voice in the back of your head that’s… making you feel like you fucked up. Like you got the easy way out. That’s not respectable. That’s cowardice.

“I wasn’t going to tell you this until later,” Celestia sighs.

“Tell me what?” you ask interestedly.

“I read the reports from the battle. I read that you and your Century rescued a downed gryphon from behind Destrierian lines. It was a very well executed move, from what Captain Sparrow wrote.”

Yep, you did that.

“Well, that gryphon was Olga Ozios, the beloved niece of King Ozios the Great.”

“...Seriously?”

“Seriously. King Ozios was so overjoyed she was saved that you’re being awarded a medal from the Twin Gryphon Kingdoms for bravery and valor.”

“You’re making this up.”

“Why would I make any of that up? That little stunt of yours made King Ozios and I best friends. He feels indebted to me, if you can believe that.”

“I don’t. That’s all too convenient to be true.”

“Perhaps, but it’s true. King Ozios has a large family, you were bound to run into one of them at some point. You will receive it from their ambassador to Equestria whenever I say you’re healthy enough for the ceremony.”

That’s… incredible…

You’re getting a medal... for bravery?

You don’t even know what to think. You never expected to get a medal for anything. You were just doing what you were doing.

“Wow…”

You can’t say anything. You still can’t tell if Celestia is telling the truth.

“You are not a coward,” Celestia whispers, nuzzling your cheek. “You’re a hero. The gryphons think so. I think so. You’re a hero. Never think otherwise.”

That’s an odd thought. It’s been a long day, huh?

You think you’re going to throw up.

“Don’t throw up!” Celestia says, levitating a trash bin in front of you. “Just relax, now. Close your eyes, go to sleep.”

“Wait, one last question.”

“No, no, no, relax and go to sleep before you get sick all over the place.”

“I-I’m fine. Please, just one more. It’ll be a quick one.”

“You said the last question was your last question.”

“I lied. This is my last one.”

“...Fine. Quickly, quickly.”

You take a deep breath.

“Why didn’t you want to have that discussion with me?” you ask. “Sure, it took all afternoon, but it was really good. I’m glad we had it.”

“Because you have a short temper,” Celestia claims. “I didn’t want you to get angry and curse at me.”

“What? When would I ever curse at you?”

She shrugs. “I was just afraid you would. I’d rather us talk about and continue our relationship than to talk about it, fight, and watch as it crumbles… But… Now that we did it, and it’s over, I can say I’m glad we did it. It’s best to move on.”

“Glad you see it my way.”

“I do.”

“It’s hard to admit when you’re wrong.”

“Don’t push it.”

“I love you, baby,” you chuckle with outstretched arms, and Celestia finally puts the trash bin back on the floor.

Celestia leans in, allowing you to wrap her up as best as you can. Her fur is as soft and silky smooth as ever… You’ve missed that feeling.

And she smells like vanilla… It’s delicious. She just smells like beauty.

“I love you too,” she says, kissing your forehead. “Now, go to sleep.”

Chapter 13: Coming Home

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Oh, happy day!

This is the best day you’ve had in… probably ever.

No. It’s definitely the best day ever.

What day is it, you ask? What could possibly have you so excited and overjoyed and genuinely happy and pleased?

It’s the day you’re leaving the hospital! Yay! No more of this hospital bullshit!

No more crappy food. No more ponies making noise right outside your door. No more bed that’s too small. No more heart monitor that beeps and beeps and beeps. No more IVs and shit sticking out of your arm.

From here on out, it’s bed rest, good food, and pills pills pills. Lots of medication in the form of pills.

You can deal with that.

The doctors at the castle will continue to monitor you, give you medication as needed, all that crap. They have enough equipment and medical skill that if you started dying they could probably save you.

It’ll be so nice to be back in bed.

Oh, and you get to sleep with your girlfriend for the first time in months, so yay! Another reason to be happy.

Your love has already returned all of her work back to your room in the castle, prepared for you moving back in.

Speak of the woman, she enters through your hospital door and approaches the bed.

“Okay, I signed you out and everything,” Celestia says, bringing a wheelchair to the side of your bed. “Ready to go?”

“Been ready for months.”

==========

Leaving the hospital and returning home was pretty uneventful. Not many ponies out and about, but whatever.

Important thing is that you’re back.

You thought there was supposed to be a lot of ponies taking your picture or whatever, but you didn’t see any of them. You guess they were cleared out.

Or got tired and went home. You know you would.

The sun has already set at this point. All you have planned for the rest of today is to go upstairs and fall asleep. It’s going to be awesome. Every other task is secondary to that one.

Right now, you don’t even want to talk to anypony. You’ve got a bed that can fit you with your name on it.

“Home, sweet home,” Celestia announces, walking through the main entrance of the castle. You’ve missed this place. It’s even prettier than you remember.

The ceiling looks a lot higher.

“It’s good to be back,” you say. “Where is everypony?”

“Luna’s out, Cadence is out, Twilight and her friends are at dinner, I imagine. I didn’t tell them you were coming back so soon. I’ll let them visit you tomorrow if you’re feeling well enough.”

“Cool.”

It sucks being back in a wheelchair, but eh. What are you going to do? It’s not like you can effectively walk right now.

The chair it is. Most of your time in Equestria has been spent in a wheelchair.

The ride over the castle was uneventful. Not many ponies on the street this late in the evening.

A lot of those ponies are off fighting a war, so the streets are a lot less crowded.

“You’re back!” a voice announces. You look and see your old friend, Captain Shining Armor trotting towards you and your marefriend. “It’s good to have you back,” he says your name. “How are you feeling?”

“Thank you, Shining. I feel like crap. But I’m getting better. How are you doing? How’s Cadance?”

“Great, great, we’re all great. How-”

“As much as I love chit-chat,” Celestia cuts in, “someone really needs their rest. I don’t mean to interrupt, but we really must be going.”

“Oh, of course, Princess.”

“You can catch up later. I need to speak to you a moment, Captain. It’ll just take a second.” Shining agrees and they walk off a bit, leaving you alone in the middle of the giant entry room.

You’re not sure what this room is really called. It’s the first room anyone goes into when entering the castle.

The ceiling is massive, everything looks like it’s made of gold or some other expensive material…

It really gives you a high expectation for the rest of the castle.

“I need to talk to you,” a voice requests, knocking you out of your thoughts. You turn and see that it is none other than your favorite pony in the entire world…

Prince Blueblood.

It’s odd that he’s here, you wouldn’t think he’d want to see you.

“Yeah?” you ask, getting ready for an argument of some kind. Why else would he want to talk to you? “No ‘Hello, Lieutenant, how are you feeling?’ or ‘Sir, I am honored to call you a friend,’ or-”

“Yes, yes, yes, thank you for your service, you’ve saved Equestria, you’re my hero, yadda yadda yadda. I really need to talk to you. It’s urgent.”

“You want to talk to me?”

“That’s what I said, is it not?”

“Not really sure if I want to talk to you right now, Blue. It’s been a great day so far, I don’t want you bringing me down.”

“This matter is bigger than you or me. Much bigger.”

“Fine. What do you want?”

“Did you hear about Quincy Quilton? Aunt Celestia hired him as a political advisor.”

“Yep, met him the other day.”

“Here, come with me for a moment,” he requests, leading you a bit further away from Celestia and Shining, who are still talking.

You don’t go much further before he turns back to you, constantly looking back at Celestia and Shining, as though making sure they can’t hear him.

“My aunt has no idea what she’s done,” he says.

“How so?”

“Well, you said you met Quincy. That in itself should say it all.”

“What are you talking about?” you ask.

“Quincy is an asshole.”

“What? No he’s not, c’mon, he’s-”

“An asshole. We went to Hoofvard together. He puts on a good face when he has to, but if you think I’m conceited-”

“I do.”

“-then you clearly don’t know the real Quincy Quilton.”

“Blue, I don’t know what you’re talking about. And I don’t know why you’re telling me you don’t like him. It’s fine you don’t like him, I used to not like him. Are you mad that he’s prettier than you?”

“He is most certainly not more attractive than I, that is for certain. I tried telling my aunts what I thought of Quincy but aunt Luna did not listen and aunt Celestia believes I have a false impression of the stallion. He is unbearable.”

“He seems okay to me. Why are you telling me any of this?”

“Talk some sense into aunt Celestia. She is fooled by his guise, but I am not. I know him for what he truly is: a power hungry, deceitful, attention seeking egomaniac.”

“No offense, but I don’t exactly trust your judgment, Blue. We aren’t exactly friends.”

“Exactly. We aren’t friends. Most of the time I hate you. So why else would I come to you for help unless I was being 100% serious? This stallion could ruin Equestria. If you hated Kiusa, Quincy is 100 times worse!”

“Let’s go!” Celestia announces from the other side of the room, signalling you to come over to her. “Time to get you settled in.”

“Listen to me,” Blue says, getting your attention back. “If we don’t stop him, who will?”

“Stop him from what?”

“Taking over the country! Doing away with us.”

“I think you’re exaggerating.”

“I wish I was. We will speak more of this later. Don’t tell anypony we had this conversation.”

“If I’m not supposed to tell anypony about this then how am I supposed to convince Celestia that Quincy is evil?”

“Okay, just…” he groans. “Tell aunt Celestia that she needs a new advisor. Just leave my name out of it. I don’t want Quincy knowing I’m onto him.”

Blueblood holds his head high and trots away and out of the room.

That was weird. Blueblood never voluntarily talks to you. He sounded worried. And serious.

Eh. He’s probably just jealous of his school buddy.

It was odd hearing Blueblood call Quincy all those names, as they are also names that can be thrown right back at him.

You don’t know what to think of it. Perhaps you’ll just forget that conversation ever even happened. No sense in dwelling over the weird shit.

It’s a busy enough time as it is without making political enemies. You’re not here to make enemies. You’re just here to please Celestia.

“You okay?” Celestia asks, joining you at your side again.

“Mm-hmm,” you respond, not knowing what to say. “Fine.”

==========

Those painkillers don’t fuck around. The doctor said they’d take your pain away, and guess what they did!

They took your pain away.

Not only that, but they stoned you out of your freaking mind. You haven’t felt this relaxed in your entire life.

Or, at least not since you first arrived in Equestria. You remember those painkillers. You were all hopped up on them when you tried to escape the hospital in Ponyville. So, perhaps then you weren’t “relaxed,” really. You were just stoned and confused and horrified.

Now you’re relaxed and stoned, which is a great combination.

You remember the first time you got all hopped up on drugs in Equestria (not recreationally, but medically), you thought it was funny that all the talking ponies were trolling around, then thought it was weird that once you got sober, all the talking ponies remained. Now that you’re high again, you hope that once you sober up all the ponies are still around. You’ve gotten too used to them.

The world has never felt like a more comfortable place. Only thing is, your shoulder, stomach, and thigh feel pretty tender and oddly numb, so that’s weird. You know why they feel that way, and it’s not like they hurt, but it’s not like they don’t hurt. It’s an odd sensation.

You can’t help but poke your tender stomach. It feels… squishy. It’s like you’re a sponge. It’s like you’re part sponge.

“Stop doing that,” Celestia commands, moving your hand away from your stomach with a hoof.

She does that every once in a while. She laid you down on that giant purple cushion in front of the fireplace that you love so much. You’ve really missed this thing. It’s soft, it smells nice, and most importantly, it’s big enough to fit you and Celestia. She’s resting right next to you.

The worst thing about dating a pony, especially one as large as her, is that ponies and humans do not sit down and relax the same way.

For example, if a human was going to lie down on their bed and watch a movie or something like that, a human would lie on their back, so that their head is at the top of the bed. But if a pony was to lie down to watch a movie, they’d lie on their stomach, with their head at the foot of the bed. Complete opposites.

Humans could lie on their stomachs too, but that’d get uncomfortable after a little bit. Humans aren’t supposed to sit like that. A pony could lie on their back, but they don’t particularly enjoy that, you have come to find. Ponies don’t rest so easily on their backs; it makes them feel awkward with all their legs just dangling around.

So, lying down is weird, but so is just sitting. If a human sits, they’d prefer a chair to support their physique. If a pony sits, they can just sit on a cushion on the floor and be perfectly comfortable. That’s the closest you get to relaxing the same way.

Now you’re lying flat on your back, staring up at the ceiling. It’s the most comfortable position for you, given your injuries.

What really sucks is, not just your injuries, but the inconvenience of where you received all of them. You can’t turn on your right side because of your shoulder. You can’t turn on your left side because of your thigh. You can’t lie on your stomach because of your stomach.

Only option is your back, and that isn’t even that comfortable. When you got shot, all the arrows went through you and out your back, so your back aches too. Life’s just difficult sometimes.

Celestia is lying next to you, reading all of her papers of whatever it is she does. You really don’t know what she does. But, there is a war going on, so whatever it is she is doing, you’re sure there’s a lot of it. Work work work.

She likes having you next to her when she works. You used to be able to distract her pretty well, but you don’t think you can do that anymore. You can’t really move on your own, and talking is kinda… not difficult, but not easy.

She’s even more beautiful now than she ever has been. You need to tell her that. A compliment like that can go a long way.

“You’re beautiful,” you whisper, reaching out to poke her wing with a single finger, ruffling her feathers. You forgot how soft those were.

“I know,” she casually responds.

Well, it was worth a shot.

“But thank you, baby,” she kisses your cheek before resuming her work.

Perhaps it isn’t a good idea to distract her. There’s a lot of things she needs to go through. So busy.

The only one who isn’t busy around here, and won’t be busy for a while, is you. That’s a shame. What are you supposed to do?

Celestia mentioned that Twilight and her friends were in town, maybe they’ll come over for a visit tomorrow. That’d be great, actually. You haven’t seen them in a very long time.

If they don’t, you don’t know who you can talk to. The only reason Celestia took you out of the hospital early was so that you’d be by her side more often, but even now you won’t be by her very much. She’s got work and you can’t move.

During most of the day, Celestia will have to go places and do things. You can’t go with her. Maybe Shining is around? You haven’t even asked.

Luna might be here somewhere. You haven’t seen her in months. Sometimes she pops up in your dreams, but that hardly counts. You’ve been too drugged recently to remember dreams.

And that’s a very good thing. If you were able to remember dreams, or didn’t have medicine to keep you asleep, you’re worried you’d have some unpleasant flashbacks. PTSD and all that.

“Where’s Luna?” you ask.

“Uh…” She puts a document down and picks another one up. “Fillydelphia, right now, I think. She’s travelling this week. She’s travelling for me.”

“Travelling for you?”

“Mm-hmm. Public appearances, meetings… she’ll go north to meet with General Longstreet, get some status updates… planning… she loves a good war, Luna. She hasn’t been this perky in a millenia.”

“She’s doing all that alone?”

“For the next couple weeks she is, yes. But trust me, she loves it. When she discovered Equestria was being attacked, I thought she was going to kiss me. She has a dark mind, my little sis, but I love her.”

Celestia sighs, remembering something.

“You should’ve seen her when we fought Discord the first time. She’s always been shy, has always gotten nervous talking to ponies… she used to be very agoraphobic... but she knows how to stand up for herself. When Discord tried to keep her down… she became a completely different mare. Fighting Discord was the happiest I’ve ever seen her. She loves war. Something about it makes her… a completely different pony. I mean that in a good way, I know you know she isn’t a psychopath, I don’t want to make her sound like a maniac.”

“I know what you mean, baby. I’ve met Luna.”

Celestia giggles at your comment.

None of that surprises you in the slightest. Luna loves war and fighting and not getting along with ponies? Well, no shit. The first time you met her, she was pretty rude to you. She isn’t the most socially aware pony in the world, so it may have been unintentional, but your first impressions of Luna was that she is a hard ass.

You still think that way for the most part, with the occasional exception. She can be a cutie when she wants to, but she usually does so accidentally.

She can also be a vicious warrior when she wants to be, apparently. Not surprising. She scares you sometimes, especially when she pops up in your dreams.

She has been known to prank you in your dreams. Her sense of humor has gotten a lot better since she started hanging out with you. Her sense of humor used to be nonexistent, then it was just dark as hell.

You told Luna about pranks around the time you first started hanging out, and she loved the idea, so you helped her out. What you didn’t expect is that she would practice on you.

One night, you had a dream. You can’t remember what it was about, but you were in a field of flowers on a sunny day, just fucking around. Pinkie Pie was there, hopping around, singing.

Then, out of nowhere, the sky turned blood red, the flowers around you wilted and died and turned to ashes, Pinkie Pie’s flesh melted until she became a smiling skeleton, the ground shook, thunder and lightning was all you heard until the sun darkened and grew a disfigured face, and that face stared deep into your soul before laughing. It was the most evil laugh you’ve ever had the displeasure of hearing. The last thing you heard it say was “Sweet dreams!”

It was horrifying. You woke up sweating. A few minutes later, Luna knocked on your door to ask you how she did. You said it was awful, which only confused her. She needed a lot of work.

That wasn’t as much of a prank as it was a terrible way to mentally fuck with someone. You had trouble sleeping for the next few days, to say the least, and you were always paranoid that Luna was out to get you.

“Stop poking your injuries,” Celestia says again, moving your hand away. You didn’t even realize you were doing it.

“Luna’s fun,” you observe out loud.

“Very fun.”

“But she isn’t as big as you.”

“No, sweetie.”

“That’s why you’re the big sister.”

You laugh. What a clever observation! Not only is Celestia older sister of the two, but she’s also physically larger! Ha! What fun!

Your love smiles, not looking at you, but you’re staring at her. You love it when she smiles, she’s so cute.

You think ‘cute’ is the right word to describe her right now. There are some women out there who are hot, there are some who are cute, there are some who are sexy, there are some who are beautiful…

There are even fewer women that can capture all qualities, but Celestia is one of them, you think. She can be anything she wants.

Especially sexy.

But right now she’s just cute. Well, she’s more than cute, she’s… well, she’s gorgeous, but she’s just being cute right now. Give it a few minutes, maybe she’ll be something else.

“Stop doing that, dear,” she repeats patiently, moving your hand away from your stomach again. She’s the most patient woman you’ve ever met. She’s like a very experienced mom.

That would make Celestia a milf. That’s so hot. You love milfs.

She kinda is like a mother, if you think about it. She’s, like, 5,000 years old, she’s great with kids, she’s very personable, she’s personally invested in her subject’s lives, and genuinely wants what’s best for everypony she rules over.

She’s the great matriarch of Equestria. Equestria wouldn’t exist without her, so she’s figuratively the mother of this country, and does her best to literally act like the mother of this country.

She treats all of her subjects like her very own children. It’s endearing. Sometimes, she treats you like a child. A child that she’s had…

Okay, that’s enough of that thought. Best to derail those thoughts early. Ahem.

You miss email. It’s funny how you miss the things you used to have and not even recognize. Email was very important until you came to a land of happiness, where ironically, the internet doesn’t exist.

Getting letters is fun and all, but it’s not as much fun as when you were a kid. When you were a kid, getting a letter was like getting a present. Now it’s probably a bill of some kind or some foreign prince trying to scam you for money.

“Sweetheart, stop poking your belly, please.”

Celestia keeps talking to you, but her words aren’t really registering. She’s probably curious as to why your stomach feels so squishy too. Who wouldn’t be? It is awfully squishy. You hope Celestia doesn’t use you as a sponge; you enjoy life as a human.

You start to tear up, afraid for your future.

“Oh, baby,” you hear Celestia say softly, draping a wing over your body. “What’s wrong? Don’t cry,” she giggles.

She always has been so kind to you. How can you ever repay her generosity? The only way you can think of is that you can allow her to do what she wants with you.

And she wants to use you as a sponge… you cannot escape your fate.

“I-I’m afraid,” you whisper, a tear escaping.

Be strong! You cannot show weakness, especially not in front of her. You must get control of yourself. Breathe deep.

It’s not working.

“What’s wrong, sweetheart?” Celestia asks, sounding very serious. She nuzzles your cheek, wiping your tears with her snout. “What are you afraid of?”

“I-I-I…” You can’t stop stuttering, you can hardly control your breathing. “I don’t want to be a sponge.”

“You don’t want to be a sponge?” she giggles, sounding confused. “That’s fine, honey. You aren’t a sponge. You never will be a sponge.”

“I already am!” You poke your stomach again. “Ow.”

“Baby, stop poking yourself. Put your hands on my wing, I want to see your hands.”

You reach up and hold the top of her wing like it’s a blanket. You look up into her big purple eyes… How you’ve missed those eyes… You see her smiling gleefully down at you. Should you be afraid of that smile? It warms your heart to see, but at the same time, it makes you nervous. Celestia is very gifted, magically speaking; she can turn you into whatever she wants.

“Now, let’s talk a bit,” she puts down her papers and turns a bit more towards you. “Why do you think you’re a sponge?”

“B-Because-”

“Ah! Hands where I can see them.” You didn’t even realize that you began moving a hand back down towards your stomach again, but Celestia caught you. You meekly put both hands back on her wing again.

“B-Because I’m squishy and absorbent now.”

“Absorbent?”

“Like a spo-onge.”

“Aren’t drugs just amazing?” she asks, nuzzling your cheek with her snout. Feeling her warm breath on your face is steadily calming your nerves. “Now listen closely to me, okay? You’re not a sponge. I don’t want you as a sponge.”

“Y-You don’t?”

“No, baby. I want you as my boyfriend. I want you only as my boyfriend, for me to cuddle and take care of and love as long as I want. I don’t want to wash dishes with you.”

“But I’m squishy now.”

“I don’t care if you’re squishy, I just care that you’re healthy...-ish… And you only continue to get healthy if you stop aggravating your injuries. So no more poking?”

“I can’t promise that.”

“Okay, I’m going to put you on my back.”

Your entire body is surrounded by a bright golden glow before you feel yourself lifted into the air. Celestia turns you over, and very slowly, eases you down on your stomach on her back. She positions you so that you are straddling her, your legs on top of her respective wings, your cheek on her neck. She grips your hands lightly in her magic, pulling them around her neck so that they are resting on her chest.

“Keep those hands right where they are,” she commands. “I’ll wrap this up and in a few minutes we can go to bed. Sound good?”

You’re not even listening. This is the first time you’ve sat on Celestia in months. You forgot how firm and muscular she was. And her wings are so soft! Oh God.

Her fur is so smooth. Has it always been this smooth? It’s smooth and… what’s the word… not bumpy… it’s kinda wavy. It’s like rubbing your face against a ruffles potato chip. Well, it’s probably like that anyways. You’ve never rubbed your face against a ruffles potato chip, but if you did, it’d be like rubbing your face against Celestia. It’s because her fur is kinda prickly, but in a soft, comfortable way.

You rub your cheek against her neck. The feeling is just amazing.

“Mmmmh,” you moan, feeling more comfortable than you probably ever have. “Mmh-mmh-mhh.”

You hear Celestia chuckle as you feel her shift around a bit. “I’m so happy to have you back.”

You’re still not listening. She’s saying words, and you hope she continues to say as much as she wants because she vibrates when she talks, because of her voice box or whatever reason. Anyway, it’s a great feeling. You’ve gotten completely over that Celestia was thinking of turning you into a kitchen cleaning device.

“You’re naked,” you observe, realizing that she’s not wearing her shoes or necklace or crown or anything else. It’s weird that you consider her naked just because she isn’t wearing shoes. Like, what exactly qualifies someone as being naked?

Is she technically always naked, even with her necklace and shoes and crown thingy? You think so. Like, she may sometimes wear shoes, but that doesn’t stop you from seeing her va-

“So are you,” Celestia responds.

“Yeah,” you chuckle. “But you’re really naked.”

“Yes, baby, I’m really naked. So naked.”

You laugh. You love it when Celestia talks. She has such a sweet voice.

Despite the mild pain in those damaged parts of your body, lying on your stomach right now is pretty good. Your stomach doesn’t feel as good as it did a few minutes ago, but it’s all right. Nothing beats lying on top of Celestia.

Your shoulder also hurts from stretching it upwards to have your arm around Celestia’s neck. It’s sore, so it’s not painful, but not the best feeling. Still though, there is no place you’d rather have your arm. Hugging Celestia the way you are is a show of affection, and you will continue to show your affection for your love so that she feels special, even if it is painful.

Nothing more special than a hug.

The only thing that could make this situation better is some music. Music would be great. It would be awesome if you still had your laptop or phone. There was music on that.

You could play a little romantic music, set the mood… Maybe you could run out and pick up some chocolates. Girls love chocolate. You should get a bunch of the little chocolates in one of those red hearts. It’s not Valentine’s Day (or the Equestrian equivalent), but somepony is probably selling some chocolate hearts.

It is a little late, though. Maybe some place is open?

Celestia probably wouldn’t let you leave. She won’t even let you stand up. There must be another way to be romantic. You haven’t been romantic in a very long time.

You’d kiss her, but she has a tall neck, so it’s a long way up. What’s more romantic than a loving kiss?

Nothing, probably. Except chocolate. And gondola rides. You can’t provide either.

If only your phone was still alive. You still haven’t forgotten about it, even though it was destroyed years ago. You remember texting and the internet and music. Did you have any romantic music on your phone? Anything Celestia would like? Maybe you can serenade her. She’d adore that. You could do your Barry White impression for her. The ladies love Barry White. Nothing gets them wetter, faster.

Girls love that kinda stuff, right? If only you had the internet to look it up. The internet had all the answers. It was amazing. But at the same time, it was awful. Very confusing.

Perhaps it’s for the best that the internet doesn’t exist. It was great for porn, and you miss porn, but you know what you don’t miss?

Youtube comments.

Youtube comments are the absolute worst. Nobody ever gets along, a lot of the comments don’t even pertain to the video, people say awful things, grammar is shit, and most of the most popular comments were just puns. It wasn’t anything insightful.

People say the meanest things sometimes. They wouldn’t say those things in person, probably. The internet gives power to mean people sometimes.

It took you a while to even get into porn in Equestria. It’s an odd change to start finding ponies sexually appealing. Once you got there, you haven’t looked back, and they are hot in their own way, but it’s different.

They even have their own Playboy equivalent in Equestria. They have equivalents for everything in Equestria that was in your old life. From city names to porn magazines, Equestria’s got it all.

It’s weird they have nude magazines, considering everypony is naked all the time anyway. It doesn’t take a whole lot of effort to catch a glance of some mare’s backside if that’s what you wanted to do. Sometimes their tails aren’t even against their backsides, making peeking that much easier.

You mean, it used to make peaking easier. You don’t do that anymore, you’re in a happy relationship again. So, no peeking. Well, you still peak on Celestia, but that’s easy because she she has a big butt and she’s tall, so it’s always right in your face.

However, when you did used to do it, it was easy. Now, this is just an example, but take Rarity. She has a beautiful tail, and it extends off her rump quite a ways. It’s not gentlemanly to look - and you never did on purpose! But if she was turned away from you, it didn’t take a whole lot of effort to see whatever you wanted.

Now you just peak on Celestia… and Luna sometimes, but that’s because she has a big butt too; it runs in the family. And Cadence… Sometimes Twilight when you see her… and her friends...

Maybe you should stop thinking these thoughts before Celestia reads your mind and destroys you.

It’s only natural to look, right? It’s not like you were doing it on purpose. For God’s sake, why does peeking have to be so easy?!

Look, you don’t do it anymore. Not on purpose, anyways. If you weren’t supposed to look, they wouldn’t be naked. No harm in looking anyways.

“Excited?” your love asks, not turning to look at you or anything.

“Hmm?” you ask, not paying attention to her either. But, it suddenly dawns on you that you have an erection, and it is grinding into your marefriend in her back. “How is that even possible?”

“I was about to ask the same thing. You’re on a lot of medication.”

“Maybe it’s a side effect.”

You think it’s a little weird that you can even still feel that part of your body. Surely with all the medication you’re on, it would be numb. But hey! You’re not complaining, and Celestia doesn’t seem to be either.

“And do you know…” you begin, but forget where you were going for a moment. “Do you know what the side effect of a boner is?”

“No, dear. What is the side effect of a boner?”

You laugh, nuzzling your head into your love’s neck. It’s so funny hearing her say “boner.” Ha! Has she ever said that word in her entire life? She doesn’t look like the kind of pony to use dirty language like that.

“What’s so funny?” she giggles.

You take a minute to recompose yourself.

“Sex,” you giggle. “Sex is the side effect of a… boner.”

You start laughing again, and hear Celestia join in with you a bit, though she still isn’t giving you full attention. She’s very busy, but she’s a great multitasker. As she laughs, her chest rapidly expands and contracts, bouncing you up and down a bit. You hug around her neck a bit tighter so you don’t slide off her back.

“So I think…” You laugh, trying to think of something romantic to say. This is your chance. “...We should have sex.”

Boom.

Celestia chuckles. “Oh, I don’t think that’s a good idea, sweetie.”

“Why not?”

“Well, you can barely move by yourself, and if I got on top of you with you in this condition, you would die.”

You laugh again, nuzzling your cheek against her neck. “Worth it.”

“I’d much rather not kill you. We will have plenty of time for… sex and all that good stuff later.”

“We have plenty of time for that now. I’m not allowed to get out of bed for a long time.”

“Yes, sir.” She flips through a few more papers.

You forgot what you were just talking about. You think it was important, but if it was all that important, you wouldn’t have forgotten it in the first place. Logic.

What you do remember is that Celestia’s body is very nice and smooth and comfortable. Her short fur is tickling your skin sending chills through your body. You shiver.

“Are you cold, sweetie?” Celestia asks, but you’re not paying attention again. Even though you don’t respond, and don’t hear her in the first place, Celestia drapes a blanket over her back and over you. You hardly recognize that new sensation, but you do feel warmer now.

You nuzzle into her neck again as you stretch your legs, starting to feel a little cramped. You squeeze your marefriend tightly, not wanting to fall off, while you extend your legs, feeling Celestia’s body the whole time with your legs and feet.

You feel the soft feathers of her wings, her slender waist, and her wide hips, stretching your feet all the way down to her flanks.

“I’ve missed your butt,” you say, now really wanting to turn yourself around to play with it. Celestia probably wouldn’t let you do that right now. You’ve missed touching her cutie mark.

“I’ve missed your butt too.”

“No, I mean it.”

“I mean it too, sweetie,” she giggles.

You laugh as well, but don’t know exactly why. All you know is that your favorite being in the universe’s existence is happy and laughing, so you are now too.

Laughing is so much fun. It’s a good thing Celestia and you do it together pretty often. Her laugh is so cute; hearing it makes you feel warm.

You cease your stretching and settle down again, your eyelids feeling heavy. You relax your legs so that they are resting on the purple pillow once again, and you can feel her wings with your thighs.

You shift up her body a bit, trying to get your sore form closer to your lover’s face. She’s kissed you a couple times this night, but you haven’t kissed her all day. You want to be the one to kiss her. It’s not fair that she’s the only one kissing you. That’s not fair.

You’re tired. Is it bedtime yet? She said you were going to go to bed in a few minutes, and that was more than a few minutes ago. That was many minutes ago. Probably. Either time is moving a lot slower or a little faster than usual. You can’t tell.

How can you tell your love that you’re tired? Nothing logically comes to mind. Perhaps you should try climbing her neck until you reach her face. Then you could give her a goodnight kiss. She’d understand then. Show her some affection and tell her you’re tired. Kill two birds with one stone.

With your sore arms, you pull on her neck, trying to get closer, but it’s hard. And it’s starting to hurt. With one giant effort, you manage to pull yourself forwards about one full inch. That’s it.

Now you’re exhausted.

“How’d you ever get so big?” you ask your mare after a deep breath. “You’re so big and... nice and soft and big… You’re so cuddly and big. Like a… sexy teddy bear.”

You rub the side of your face against your love’s long neck, feeling her short white fur tickle your cheek. While straddling her, you feel the soft feathers of her wings unintentionally caress your inner thighs. You love it.

“And you have wings. Wings are the best thing ever. They make you look so hot. I wish I had wings so I could cuddle you with them. Then you would know how cuddly they are. And they’re so pretty; they make you look like an angel.”

Celestia laughs again, reaching a hoof up to hold your hand against her chest. “I love you, sweetie.”

If there was someway for you to move yourself, you would sit up straighter, maybe give Celestia a kiss, maybe get a glass of water. There’s a whole world of opportunity that can be explored when you can move.

But you can’t move. So your world now looks like the back of your marefriend. Maybe she’ll take you places and you can ride her around. She doesn’t want to carry you around in public; she’s told you that before. She enjoys doing it in private, though.

She still refuses to put on a saddle. Humans were never meant to ride horses. If you were, you wouldn’t have testicles between your legs.

She’d look so hot in a saddle. One of the first technically pornographic images you saw of a pony in Playcolt (Equestria’s Playboy equivalent) was two mares standing on their hind legs, leaning against one another, both wearing saddles.

It was a confusing experience for a little while. They wanted someone to take them for a ride. Even nowadays a lot of it doesn’t make sense. Ponies even wear saddles outside of porn mags, just for everyday purposes. As far as you can tell, saddles serve literally no purpose. Why do they wear them? No one rides these ponies. You ride one of them, and she’s the only one you know who outright refuses a saddle.

Humans don’t wear saddles. You know why? Because no one rides humans. Not literally, anyway.

“You know,” you tiredly begin, grabbing at her firm chest. “If you were a human, you’d be so… so beautiful…”

Just the thought of your beloved being a human is making you tear up. The mental image you have of her is nothing short of immaculate.

Of course, she’s perfect now as a pony, but if she was a human, she’d still be perfect. Just in a different kind of perfect way. She’d be tall, have a big butt, have awesome hair, and be way out of your league… It’s a good thing pony Celestia doesn’t think she’s out of your league.

“Aww, thank you, sweetie,” Celestia says, looking at her papers. You can’t read what they say.

You’ve always liked it when you were on top of Celestia and she started talking. Her voice makes vibrations and they go through your body, and now that you’re on painkillers, it feels wonderful.

“And you’d have the biggest boobs,” you add. “They’d be beautiful. And they’d be huge. And they’d be right here.”

You grope at her chest, squeezing her soft fur, letting her know where boobs on a human go. It’s a good thing you can still remember that information.

“And I could touch them all the time, whenever I want.”

“Big boobs?” she asks, not sounding nearly as interested or as excited as you are.

“The biggest. Like, more than a D cup. A G cup, probably.”

“And you would find that attractive?”

“Ooh yeah. Heh.”

“And I’d let you touch them?” she asks, turning through papers again.

“If I was being nice, you would. You let me touch your chest now, so...” You squeeze her fur on her chest, massaging her to the best of your inebriated ability.

“Yes, but I don’t have anything on my chest now.”

You stop massaging for a moment to think, then you start massaging again. “That’s true. But you like me, don’t you?”

“Mm-hmm.”

“And girls let guys they like touch their boobs. So, boom, there you have it.”

“I’m beginning to think you’d prefer it if I was a human,” she teases.

Given your delirious state, you don’t hear the playful teasing in her voice. You hear nothing but complete seriousness.

And you feel terrible.

How could you have done this to the mare you love? After everything you’ve been through today, you go and do this? Shame on you. Shame.

How could you make her feel bad for just being who she is? She can’t help it that she isn’t human. She can’t help it that she’s a pony. What is wrong with you? She has done nothing but try to love you, and this is what you do to her?

Tears begins falling from your eyes, quickly running down your cheeks. As your head is still on your love’s neck, your tears immediately mat down her fur. You gotta get your breathing under control… again.

You haven’t felt this bad since you were going to be turned into a sponge.

“Aww, don’t cry, honey!” Celestia chuckles, bouncing you up and down a bit. She puts a hoof on your hand, holding it tightly against her chest. “What’s the matter, sweetheart?”

“I-I made you feel bad for being a pony.”

“Oh? When was this?”

“A-About 15 seconds ago.”

She laughs again. “Okay, I think you’ve been up long enough. It’s bedtime.”

“Are we going to bed now?”

“You are going to bed now. I’ll get in bed with you, I just have a few more things to scan over before tomorrow morning.”

“Y-Yay,” you whisper, still crying.

“All right, up we go,” Celestia says, steadily rising to her feet. The first part of her to rise up are her hind legs, throwing you forward a bit so that your shoulder is hard pressed against her neck for a couple moments until her forelegs straighten up as well. “Let’s get you to bed. You’re very tired.”

“I-I’m so s-sorry. I love you so m-much.” Hold it together, hold it together.

“I know you do, baby,” Celestia laughs. She’s been chuckling a lot tonight. You can feel her muscles through her soft fur. She’s so strong. “It’s been a long day, so let’s just get some rest.”

“I’m not tired,” you yawn. Wait, why did Celestia stand up? Where are you going now? Why are you crying? “Where are you taking me?”

“Where do you want to go, baby?”

“I’ll go anywhere with you.”

“Aww!”

“Maybe I should go to bed… Or Mulligan’s! I could use a drink.”

“Bed it is.”

“Damn.”

Celestia takes the blanket off your back, tossing it onto her purple pillow before lifting you up with her magic and lying you on your back on the bed. It’s amazing how soft the bed is. Was is always this soft? Oh God, you feel like you’re sinking.

If you sink all the way into the mattress, you think Celestia would save you. She wouldn’t let you sink. Can you drown in a bed? Celestia’s like a lifeguard… A big, sexy lifeguard. She could be in Baywatch.

A few moments later, Celestia crawls in bed on the opposite side of the mattress, which lifts your side of the mattress up, saving you from sinking. It’s because she weighs a lot more than you do, but you’d never tell her that. For one, she already knows she weighs more, and two, you don’t want to make her feel fat, mainly because she isn’t fat, but also because you enjoy not being killed.

Celestia drapes the blanket overtop both of you, but you hardly realize it. She scooches up to your side, turning so that she is lying on her back, and levitates a few documents over so that she can read them.

The room gets a little darker as Celestia magically blows out most of the candles, leaving the room to be illuminated only by the fireplace and the candles on her side of the bed.

Now that you’re back into bed, it’s cuddle time. It’s a good thing you have your old cuddle partner back, these past few months without her have made cuddle time difficult. Cuddling a pillow isn’t as much fun.

You gradually manage to turn on your side to face your Princess, reaching a hand out and putting it on her chest.

“Ah ah ah,” she admonishes. “Not right now, I want you sleeping on your back the next few days.” She lies you down again, keeping you on your back.

Why is she pushing you away? Does she not wish to snuggle? You don’t logically see why she wouldn’t want this. She hasn’t had a cuddle partner in a long time too.

Oh well. Old habits die hard, so you try again.

“No,” Celestia says, keeping you down with a hoof.

“Just a little bit,” you request, powering past her defenses. “Just a little snuggle, baby.” You grab her hoof and wrap it around your shoulders, forcing her to hug you, and she doesn’t resist.

“Okay, fine, but just for a little bit.”

“Yay.” You forgot what you were excited about, but you still feel excited. It’s probably because you’re so close to your beloved. She isn’t making cuddling easy. She would normally turn towards you around this time of night, but she’s still lying on her back. Cuddling will be tough in this position.

You scooch up to her side so that your chest and stomach are pressed against her wing before putting an arm around her, wrapping her up as best as you physically can. Both of her wings are folded against her barrel, so you take your extended arm and slip your hand in between her wing and her body, massaging her sensitive side.

Celestia releases a breath, which you take as a sign of her comfort. She’s so cute. You can feel her heart beating through her chest.

If you were in better shape, you’d pick up your head and try to put it on her chest. But, she’s a big pony, and the top of her chest is a very long way away. That’s a great shame. How else are you supposed to show your love to your woman? Cuddling is always good, but your cuddling is subpar right now.

You know you’ve said it a lot today, and over the past few days, but does she actually understand how much you love her? She doesn’t look like she does. You look up at her face to see what she’s doing, and she’s just reading through her papers. Does she know you’re still here?

You give her side a kiss before looking back up to her face, but she’s still reading, not acknowledging your presence.

She’s so cute. She’s a big pony, lying in her bed, reading something, looking serious… it’s just so cute! This whole situation is just so bizarre that you have to laugh.

“My little pony,” you say, chuckling the entire time. You hear Celestia say that all the time when she’s talking about her subjects, because they’re little, they’re ponies, and they’re hers. It’s so adorable. Now you have turned the tables. “You’re my little pony and I love you.”

You squeeze her as hard as you can, which unfortunately isn’t very hard, but you try.

Has anyone ever called Celestia ‘my little pony?’ You hope not. It’d be a lot funnier if you were the first to say it.

“I love you too, sweetie,” Celestia says, not looking away from her papers.

She doesn’t seem amused. You thought that line would’ve gotten her. Damn. Gotta keep trying.

The soft surface of the bed combined with Celestia’s warm body is going to make you pass out. Your breathing is starting to slow down and your eyelids feel heavier.

You scratch her delicate side, because you know everyone likes to be scratched. It just feels great, and if Celestia could do it to you, you’re sure she would. She definitely would. She’s a sweetheart like that.

“Mmmh,” you coo, rubbing your face against Celestia’s side. “You wanna know something, baby?”

“What’s that dear?”

“I’ve always wanted to pick you up, like the cute little pony you are, and kiss you and hug you and snuggle you and make all your cares go away. I’ve always wanted to do that, but I can’t.”

“But baby, you already do all those things.”

“I mean it literally. I can’t pick you up because you’re too big.” Oops, you forgot you weren’t supposed to imply that Celestia is fat.

“Well, I suppose that’s true. But I don’t need somepony who can pick me up. I need somepony who can kiss me and hug me and snuggle me and make all my cares go away. You do that for me, baby. You’re all I need.”

“Really?” you ask, looking up at her, but she’s still looking at her papers.

“Really really.”

She always has been a great multitasker. She’s working on what you can only assume is some super important shit while simultaneously being romantic as hell and loving to you. You wouldn’t be able to do those at the same time.

She’s so smart. She could be a scientist; but not just any scientist. She could be one of those super smart scientists they have on the news sometimes to talk about global warming and intellectual things like that. You wouldn’t be able to go on the news and talk about global warming.

They technically don’t even have the news in Equestria because television doesn’t exist. If television did exist, you wonder what kind of shows ponies would have. Would they have soap operas like humans do?

It’d be interesting to see.

Celestia floats her multiple papers over to her bedside table, sighing deeply. It wasn’t a sigh of happiness or comfort or content. More of a sigh of frustration.

“Alright,” Celestia whispers, rolling over and off the bed. “Time for me to get ready for bed too.”

Now that your love has removed herself from your soft mattress, you have begun sinking back into it again. The only thing keeping you buoyant was her weight, but now that she’s gone, you’re going to drown. You’re going to drown in a mattress. Oh God.

You can only watch in panic and horror as your love goes into the bathroom, abandoning you to your fate. Nothing can be done.

You’ve lived an okay life. Sure, you were shot a few times, and that was probably in the top 20 list of worst things that have ever happened to you, but at least you had sex before dying. It’s just a good experience to have before death.

Meeting Celestia is in the top 7 best things to have happened to you. If you were going to die a slow, painful death, at least you’ll do it with her in the next room.

Drowning has always scared you. The thought of air being replaced with liquid is a terrifying thought. Even though there isn’t any liquid here, you still think this constitutes as drowning.

As you sink and sink deeper into the depths of the mattress, breathing becomes more difficult. Your vision gradually blackens, as there is nothing to see but the mattress that you are becoming one with.

Life is ending. You never even got to say goodbye to your beloved. She’ll be mortified when she discovers you, surely. You never got to say goodbye to Luna. You never even met your children.

Before the darkness completely consumes you, you feel something grip and lift you, tearing you away from the blackness.

“This is why I wanted you on your back,” Celestia sighs, picking you up and turning you over.

That’s what she said.

“What happened?” you ask, feeling dazed and confused and are suddenly able to breathe. Your vision is filled with the glorious colors and surroundings that are in your bedroom. Oh how you missed these things.

“Your face was right in the pillow and you were talking to yourself.”

That’s not exactly how you remember it. You were drowning in the ocean just a minute ago.

“Don’t do that again. You’ll suffocate and die.”

What the hell is ‘suffocate?’

“Okay, now…” Celestia walks to your side of the bed, holding some things in her magical grasp but you can’t tell what they are. “One more pill before before bedtime.”

“I don’t want the pill,” you pout, starting to feel sore all over. Pills are for babies, and you’re an adult.

“If you don’t take it you’ll get grumpy and achey.”

“No I won’t.” You cross your arms.

Celestia levitates a blue pill and a glass of water in front of your face. She gives you a stern look, having had enough of your insolence. You’ve learned that, because she is a Princess, your girlfriend doesn’t deal with insubordination very well. When she tells you to do something, you have to do it or she’ll have you publically executed for treason. Even if it is just a simple matter, like taking medicine.

“Forgive me, My Lady,” you plead. “I will do as you request.”

“Good,” she smiles. “Now open up.”

You open your mouth and Celestia places the pill on your tongue before putting the glass of water up to your lips. She tilts the glass down a bit, allowing you to drink the water and swallow the pill. Medication is fun.

“Good boy,” she whispers, stroking your hair.

“What did I just eat?”

“Your medicine.”

“Oh. What does it do?”

“It’ll help you sleep. You need to get some rest. I shouldn’t have let you stay up as late as you have.”

“Cuddle time again now,” you announce, seeing Celestia returning to her side of the bed.

“Yes, baby, it’s cuddle time.”

“It’s cuddle time,” you quietly repeat.

“Mm-hmm...”

“Can you lie on me?”

“Can I lie on you?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t think that’s a great idea. I’ll lie next to you, sweetie, how does that sound?”

You forgot what you were talking about again. What did she say?

Celestia climbs back into bed, lifting your side of the mattress up, and scooches up to your side. You’re not allowed to move, as Celestia has commanded you stay on your back, but you’re electing to disobey her. You may be charged with insubordination, but you gotta do what you gotta do for cuddle time.

You turn on your side, reaching your arms out and wrapping them around Celestia once she gets close enough. She’s way too big for you to completely wrap up, but you’re small enough for Celestia to wrap up. Thankfully, as is proper for cuddle time, your Princess is now lying on her side as well, facing you.

Your love wraps you up in her forelegs while you put your head against her chest and your hands on her slender waist. You move your fingers up and down her sides, trying to massage her to the best of your ability, but you’re starting to feel really drowsy. Sleep is coming for you.

Celestia’s fur is so smooth. What kind of shampoo does she use? You should know that.

“Sleepy?” Celestia whispers, running a soft hoof along your back and turning out the rest of the lights in the room. Except for the fireplace, which is still going. It’s always going.

“Ehhh…” You meant to say ‘yes,’ but that’s close enough.

You’ve missed touching your Princess. You know every last inch of her body, even in your current condition. You know what she likes, what she doesn’t like…

She’s always loved you feeling under her wings. That’s probably her most sensitive area, and she loves to be massaged there.

You reach a hand under her wings with the sole intention of pleasing your goddess. Surely she has had a long day and could especially use some TLC.

The first thing you feel is a long scar she has. It’s just a small bump, but you can feel it. You remember her telling you about how she got that one. It was a very long time ago, but she still has the scar.

She said it was around 700 years ago. She was in a battle and got sliced on her side when her wing was up. It was deep, so it’s still there.

It reminds you of your scars. You slowly drag your fingers across the long bump in her fur. She has a few of these types of scars, and you know where the all are. She hasn’t gotten one in a long time, though, which is good. Her battle stories used to upset you. Now you have one of your own.

The fact that Celestia was injured so grievously in battles upsets you. There was nothing you could have done about it, as you weren’t even born then. But it still bothers you.

You don’t know how Celestia got injured, exactly. Like, who could go up to this woman and successfully attack her? Celestia is huge, imposing, magically gifted, and very skilled in combat.

There’s no way you could beat her in combat. Not that anypony else has, as Celestia is still alive and running a country, so you assume no one else has bested her. But a few ponies at some points in her life have stabbed her.

Wow, you’re tired. You’ve been tired for a while, but now you’re exhausted.

You can barely feel your hand as you caress your love’s old battle wound. It makes you so happy that she lets you do that. If she wanted to touch your wounds, you’d let her do that too. It’s only fair.

“We’re the same now,” you chuckle, on the brink of passing out. You run your fingers up and down the bump one last time. “I have… some of these now... too. Just like you...”

That’s pretty cool, isn’t it?

You have something in common with your beloved, that’s pretty neat. Physically speaking, you’ve never had anything in common with one another.

She has purple eyes, you don’t. She has four legs, you don’t. She has a horn, wings, fur, hair that moves by itself… you don’t. Literally, no similarities.

Until now! How exciting.

You feel Celestia’s angel like wing drape overtop of and around your body, wrapping you up like a burrito. Or a cigar. Her forelegs and wing squeeze you, holding you tightly.

You love it when she does that. You getting wrapped up is the best thing ever. Her wings are the best; they’re big and soft and feathery and warm. You smile, kissing her chest, silently thanking her for the loving act.

You try to tell her how sweet she is, but you can’t move your mouth. Every muscle in your body feels like it’s shutting down one after the other.

The last thing you feel are Celestia’s lips on the top of your head as she holds you close. You love her.

This is the first time you’ve slept with her in months. You forgot how amazing it felt. You forgot what it was like.

How could you have ever left this?

Then you fall asleep.

Chapter 14: Daily Routine

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You wake up, eyes feeling heavy and achey.

It’s sometime in the morning, sure enough, as there is a bit of sunlight coming through your window. It’s impossible to tell what time it is exactly, though, so you tiredly glance at the clock on the bedside table.

7 a.m.

Good. It’s still pretty early.

Considering the time you went to bed last night, which was like 3 in the morning, you haven’t gotten a whole lot of sleep. Hardly at all, actually.

So it won’t be that big of a deal if you doze off a little longer. No harm in that, you reason, especially if Princess Luna told Princess Celestia about your time in jail last night.

You kinda hope she doesn’t, to be honest. It wasn’t a big deal. You’d hate for that guy to get yelled at again, the way he was. That was just terrifying.

You don’t want to be responsible for that guy getting fired. That would just make you feel like crap. Sure he fucked up, but everyone fucks up.

And when most people fuck up, they don’t get screamed at by the dark lord, also known as Princess Luna. She’s really scary.

It’d be great if she didn’t come to your meeting with Princess Celestia later. They both intimidate you, but at least Princess Celestia only intimidates you with size, whereas Luna frightens you with her size and temperament.

Celestia seems peaceful enough, but Luna was talking last night like Celestia is the one to be afraid of. You’ll find out for yourself.

But that will wait until later. Now, back to bed.

Your head hits the pillow, and you fall back to sleep in a second.

==========

You wake up three seconds later and glance over at the clock.

11:30 a.m.

What the fuck? How did that happen?

Damn sleep patterns.

Well, now it’s probably best to get up. You’re still trying to make a good first impression with the horse royalty, so you gotta try harder. Waking up after noon to confusedly wander around the castle isn’t a good way to start the day.

But who knows, maybe you’ll actually get where you want to go today without outside assistance. It’s theoretically possible.

You know you don’t have any real responsibilities yet, as you’ve only been here a few days, but you feel like you need to be doing something. It’s odd to go from working everyday to just lying around doing nothing.

You’re more than ready to get out of this tiny bed anyway.

With a slow and uncomfortable effort, you squeeze your way back into your wheelchair, already prepared for the day. There is a bathroom attached to your bedroom in the next room over, but taking a shower right now would just waste another hour of your time.

Of course cleanliness is important, but taking a shower when you can’t really hold yourself up that well doesn’t seem like a great idea. You’ll have to remember to take one tonight. You could use one.

Thus, off you go, opening the bedroom door and venturing out into the hallway, illuminated by the morning sun. The hallway looks beautiful in the daytime. Much less threatening.

But where to go?

“Good morning, sir,” a golden armored guard announces from seemingly out of nowhere, startling you considerably. Evidently, you are very poor at spotting these guys, but find it admirable they manage to hide in plain site so well. “Princess Celestia requests your audience in the Throne Room when you are ready, sir.”

“O-Okay then,” you breathe, trying to control your heart rate after this guy scared the crap out of you. If one more pony pops out of nowhere you’re going to have a heart attack.

“Would you like an escort, sir?” the muscular white pony asks, as if you’d even consider such a thing.

“No, thank you, sir. I’ll find my way just fine.”

“Very good, sir.”

With that, the guard turns before standing perfectly still, looking at the wall on the opposite end of the hallway, going back to guarding this particular area of the castle or whatever it is these guys do.

His eyes may not be facing you, but you still feel like he’s watching your every move.

In all honesty, you still have no idea where you’re going. The Throne Room was that giant ass room you were in yesterday, but where that particular room is relative to where you are now is currently unknown.

You appreciate the guard offering to escort you, but you’re pretty wary of these guys. Every single one of them looks like they’re more than ready to beat you up, as if you somehow insulted them by simply existing.

And one of them actually threw you in a cell yesterday. It all makes you pretty paranoid.

But, of course, you’re still not accustomed to seeing tiny horses wearing armor and talking quite yet, so it’ll just take some time to get used to.

Probably.

You begin rolling down the hallway wondering how the hell you’re ever going to figure this place out. Maybe you should try getting a job so you can get an apartment somewhere and be rid of this castle maze.

“Sir,” you hear the guard announce as you roll by him. “The Throne Room is that way.” He points a hoof in the exact opposite direction from where you are going.

You sheepishly turn your chair around, and with an embarrassed “thank you,” you roll off in the general direction of where you’re supposed to be going.

Life is just a vague series of various embarrassing moments until death.

==========

After only an eternity of searching, you stumble upon the giant and recognizable doors of the Throne Room. It makes you happy to have found them, but you’ve also already forgotten the exact path to this room. Shit.

Oh well, at least you’re here now. However, there is a bit of a problem now.

In front of the massive closed doors of the Throne Room, there are two guards, standing diligently, potentially waiting to arrest you.

They aren’t even looking at you, but you can tell they’re watching you. It’s creepy. It’s like being in the Haunted Mansion, with all the eyes from the paintings following someone when they walk by.

Now the question is, should you approach the guards and explain what you’re doing here? Do they already know? The guard who was outside your bedroom knew where you were expected to go, but do these guys?

Maybe Princess Celestia is busy. Why else would the doors be closed? Are they usually closed? Were they closed yesterday?

Every little thing has to be so difficult.

You feel weird just sitting here, which makes you want to try and go in. But you don’t want to get too close to the doors in case Princess Celestia having some kind of meeting or something and isn’t to be disturbed.

However, nothing risked nothing gained, so you guess you’ll just have to go for it. What else is there to do? Sit here and wait for death?

With that thought in mind, you roll up to the guards, trying to process in your mind what you’re going to say to them so that you don’t stutter when you talk to them.

These guys may be miniature horses (i.e ponies), but they appear very physically fit. Sure, they’re soldiers and all, but horses in general back on Earth were very muscular creatures. Other than height, these ponies seem to take after them pretty well.

As you open your mouth to speak, the guards’ magically open the doors, surprising you. Neither of them look away from whatever it is they are already staring at, not acknowledging your exist with direct eye contact, but they certainly know you’re there.

You glance inside the room, making sure there isn’t anyone walking out before hesitantly wheeling yourself through the doorway, afraid they might slam the doors on you when you get close enough.

Thankfully, that doesn’t happen, as the guards allow you to roll on in and close the doors behind you, leaving you inside this giant ass room once again.

It looks a bit smaller than it did yesterday, but you’re a lot less nervous than you were then, so perhaps that’s why.

The only occupant in this entire expanse, as far as you can tell anyway, is Princess Celestia, sitting a mile away on her high throne, reading something. You’re no where near close enough to respectfully get her attention, so you start rolling forward, hoping she will notice you approaching.

You’d hate to interrupt her reading. She still scares you.

Princess Celestia is surely a very busy woman. She has an entire kingdom to run, and as she claimed yesterday, she’s hundreds of years old, at least. She must’ve been ruling this place for a while.

And, considering how you haven’t heard anything to the contrary, and how everyone here seems generally pleased with life, she must be a pretty good ruler. She doesn’t come across as controversial, she’s very nice (or appears so), she looks smart, and she’s massive. She’s the biggest of the miniature ponies.

You doubt anyone would challenge her authority, lest she step on them and they die. Literally. If she stepped on you, you’d die.

And, because she claims to be so old, she ought to have a lot of magic experience. You haven’t seen a lot of ponies use magic quite yet, and you haven’t seen any lethal spells being cast, but you’ve played Skyrim so you know what they’re theoretically like. Celestia probably knows a lot of ways to destroy you, if she willed it.

That is why she scares you. You imagine her darker sister has the same attributes but with a shorter temper, so you fear her more.

But yesterday she implied Celestia was the scarier of the two, and that scares you even more. Perhaps Celestia just pretends to be nice so she can destroy her enemies?

You don’t know. You will soon discover.

This whole situation is not as surreal as it was yesterday, but it’s still incredibly odd. The giant magical, flying, talking, sparkling horse took you out for donuts yesterday.

Donuts.

When in your most bizarre acid trips have you even imagined that happening to you? Presumably never.

It’d be nice of a normal person took you out for sweets, but it wa the ruler of the god damn country! Like, imagine if Barack Obama took you out for donuts. Imagine if Putin took you out for donuts. That would be crazy!

She’s very sweet, and even though that’s a trait that’s meant to be disarming, it makes you even more on edge. You can’t shake the feeling that these little ponies are up to something.

You feel like if you start trusting them too much, then they’ll harvest your organs while you’re sleeping or shave off your eyebrows.

Of course, they probably won’t do that, as the Princess is presumably being kind to you because she is, in fact, kind. It’s just the absurdity of this whole situation that’s making you paranoid.

Princess Celestia’s face has, perhaps, never been fully seen at one moment in time by anyone in history. Whenever it is that you come face to face with the woman, half her face is obscured by her wavy hair. Every single time.

Tragically, the giant magic horse with wings still hasn’t heard you, or if she has, she’s just ignoring you, as the wheelchair gets ever closer to the front of the throne.

Should you, like, clear your throat? Maybe? Perhaps greet her or something?

Even from this great distance, she still looks massive and imposing. Maybe it’s just because she’s high up, but she looks dominant.

It’s amazing how generally uncomfortable you feel around this pony, and every other pony, considering you have to live here. Maybe you can move out. It’ll be easier to learn your way around an entire city than it would be this castle.

Princess Celestia’s ears perk up, finally hearing you and she glances up, seeing you nervously roll towards her for the second consecutive day.

“Good morning, my dear!” the princess greets, setting her work to the side, turning fully towards you. She straightens her back and unfurls her wings a bit, showing how physically large and imposing she really is. She looks even moreso with her sitting a few feet above you.

“G-Good morning, Princess,” you say, voice cracking. You mentally scold yourself for that embarrassing moment.

“I’m glad you were able to join me today. Have you eaten anything?”

“Uhm, not yet, Your Majesty. I overslept and came over once I was told you were expecting me.”

“Oh, there’s no reason to feel rushed, here. You’re a guest. If you wish to sleep, feel free to do so. If you wish to explore the grounds, please do. You’re not on any kind of schedule. But you shouldn’t skip breakfast. It’s my favorite - I mean, most important meal of the day,” she smiles.

“Yes, I’ll… be sure to eat something soon, then.”

“We can eat now, if you like. Are you hungry?”

“I suppose so… I don’t want to disrupt your work, though, Your Majesty.”

“Work?” she scoffs. “I’ve read this same piece of paper ten times in the past half hour,” she admits, holding up the paper she was reading when you entered the room, before balling it up and tossing it over her shoulder. “I just can’t concentrate today. I keep daydreaming. Oh well, we’re all entitled to a day or two or five of mental relaxation, hmm?”

“Yes, I suppose so, Your Majesty.”

“Most ponies hold me to a higher standard than everypony else because of my life experience and position in society, which often gives everypony the misconception that I know everything and work at all times. What ponies fail to recognize is that I’m a normal pony, except I live a bit longer. Perhaps I’m just feeling a bit nostalgic today. It’s hard not to after living so long. But! It’s nothing a good lunch can’t fix. Let us go.”

The large horse rises to her feet - or hooves, whatever. She gives a her back a stretch, flapping her wings twice.

You feel the draft from her wings, being startled by how strong it is. You would love to see her fly, thinking it would certainly be magnificent to see.

“Off we go!” she says, stepping down from her throne and walking beside you as you roll out of the throne room.

You turn your chair around, getting up to the Princess’ side as she walks along. Again, you look her up and down as her attention is drawn elsewhere, seeing her muscles, large wings, and flowing hair. It’s a majestic sight.

“I’ve had these doors for over a century,” the princess says, nodding towards the large doors you walked through a moment ago. “I may have them replaced. What do you think? Perhaps something lighter. A lighter wood. More inviting.”

“Uhm…” you think, trying to find the right answer to the question. You want this horse to like you, so it’s important your opinion matches hers. “What would your sister think about that?”

“Excellent question… She’d want something dark and heavy, no doubt. We often disagree on decor. And many other things. Her return to Equestria has perhaps changed that, though I doubt it.”

“Her return?” you ask, not knowing what she means by that. “Where was she before?”

“Oh, I suppose nopony’s told you yet. Not to worry, dear, I will get you all caught up on Equestrian history after a long lunch. But now, what do you think of the doors? They don’t match the bright and inviting stained glass and marble of the Throne Room, I think, though I am no interior decorator. I want this place to look vibrant and pleasant to reflect the peaceful period we are living in. They’re just not welcoming, enough. I think it puts ponies off.”

“I can agree with that,” you admit honestly. “I saw the doors were closed with the guards outside and didn’t want to come in because I thought you were busy.”

“Oh, no, child,” the horse chuckles. “I just keep the doors closed so no one can see if I doze off. I get bored sitting on that chair all day.”

You laugh at the Princess’ honesty. It’s hilarious that she would admit something like that to you, you think.

“I need to get a new throne too, to be honest. That one… it’s a bit small. The cushion is worn out. I don’t fit in it like I used to. It’s a few decades old.”

The doors magically open as you both get close enough to them, as the guards outside have somehow recognized your presence from through the wall. They never cease to amaze you.

“I just can’t seem to concentrate on my work today,” she admits, leading you down a long hallway. “It happens more than most ponies think, like I said. I could use a vacation. I get my mind set on other things and it stays there for a while. Every few years it happens. Instead of working I’ll just… fly around Equestria, making big plans for myself, then eventually get bored and head back to the day job. Not that you care, of course. I’m just an old mare rambling.”

“Of course I care, Princess,” you say, being respectful. “You’ve been very kind to me and I’m… really appreciative of all this. Seriously, thank you for everything you’ve done for me. I still can’t wrap my mind out of any of this, especially you supposedly being centuries old, but I believe you. I like listening to you, so if you wish to talk, talk about whatever you want. I’m listening. Please don’t think you’re just rambling.”

That earns a smile from the princess, lifting your spirits.

“I’m very interested in what you have to say… It’s not everyday I get to talk to a millennia old, magical, winged goddess.”

“You flatter me,” the princess giggles. “A goddess? Unfortunately not, but thank you, dear.”

“I think a lot of people would think you’re one back where I’m from, Your Majesty. You certainly look like a goddess.”

“Aww, you’re too sweet!” She reaches a hoof up to her face and pushes her flowing mane behind her ear, showing you her entire face for the first time in your life before sweetly looking down at you with a pleasant smile. Her large purple eyes seem to have gotten even larger, and you take a moment to look into them. They’re a lovely shade, you think… very calming... If you're honest, in this moment at least, she looks very pretty...

Then something occurs to you…

Are you accidentally hitting on her? You didn’t mean anything by what you said, other than she’s a cool looking mythological creature, but by the way she’s looking at you, it makes you think she thinks you paid her more than a simple compliment… After all, you did call her a “goddess.” She seems to have liked that.

Your cheeks flush in embarrassment and you force yourself to look away from the mare. You have no idea what she’s thinking, but hopefully she doesn’t think you’re hitting on her. That’d be weird.

“You’re a very sweet young man,” Princess Celestia observes. “I often get the feeling the only reason anypony is listening to what I say is because they have to.”

“I’m sorry you feel that way, Princess,” you say, turning down a different long hallway. “I hope you don’t feel I’m one of those people. I owe a lot to you and Twilight Sparkle and her friends, so I hope to repay you all in friendship until I can find something more substantial.”

“There’s nothing more substantial than friendship, my dear. I appreciate your offer of friendship and gladly accept it. I’m glad you’re here with me today. It’s terribly lonely eating my meals alone, so your company is most appreciated.”

“Of course, Princess. It’s the least I could do.”

You both continue down the hall, finally turning into the large dining room.

==========

“I heard spaghetti is also a popular dish where you are from,” Celestia begins, sitting next to you at the large table. She is sitting at the head of the table, rightly so, with you sitting one seat down, as you were last night. “I hope you don’t mind, I took the liberty of ordering the chef to make us some. To make you feel more at home.”

“Thank you, Princess,” you say. “That sounds perfect.”

“It’s quite interesting our societies share many similar things… language, for instance. There are over 1,000 languages on this planet.”

“I’d say the same for mine.”

“Which makes it all the more fascinating our languages are… identical.”

“I’d say so. In everything but general appearance, humans seem to go along with ponies in this world hand in hand.”

“I read Twilight’s full report on you and she came to the same conclusion. Unfortunately, she observed the vehicle in which transported you here, but didn’t find any traces of magic or anything unusual that would’ve directly been responsible for transporting you into Ms. Apple’s farm. She’s still researching what may have happened, and will surely find the answer. If anypony can, she can. But in the meantime, you will be spending your time with me at the castle. That is, if you wouldn’t mind.”

“I don’t mind, Your Majesty,” you say nervously.

“I know you feel intimidated by the guards. And by me. But we will do you no harm. I guarantee it. If you wish to return to Ponyville, however, I will make the arrangements and visit you there. Whatever you are most comfortable with.”

“That’s very kind of you, Princess,” you say, happy with the prospect of getting out of this place. “But I’d hate for you to make such a long commute just to visit me. I’m sure I’ll get used to staying here soon enough. Eventually I’ll stop seeing talking ponies and just see fellow creatures, similar to myself.”

“That’s a very wise response,” Princess Celestia smiles. “But my offer will always stand. If at anytime you wish to travel back to Ponyville, you may do so. Do not feel you have to stay here out of convenience to me.”

“Of course, Your Majesty.”

“I will try not to bring up subjects Twilight already inquired about while we talk.”

“It’s okay if you do, Princess. Twilight and I didn’t really have a conversation, so to speak. It was more of a… not an interview… a scientific inquiry, I’d call it.”

Princess Celestia laughs heartily, her voice echoing off the walls. It’s a very un-Princess like laugh, and you love it. It’s an adorable sound. Just hearing it makes you start laughing too.

“That’s an excellent way to describe speaking with Twilight,” Princess Celestia chuckles, calming herself down. “She has a very scientific mind. She’s a bright girl.”

“Don’t get me wrong, she’s very friendly! She’s just…”

“Don’t worry, dear, I know what you mean. I’m very proud of Twilight. She’s always been an upstanding mare, and continues to be to this day.”

“You said yesterday that you taught her when she was young.”

“I did. I still do, in fact. I don’t teach her direct lessons, like a school teacher, but I set her on paths in the real world for her to gain knowledge through experience.”

“Experience is the best way to learn.”

“Precisely. From when she was just a filly, she’s always been very gifted. Her test to get into my school for the magically gifted was to hatch a dragon egg using her own magic. I think she was 6 or 7 or 8 at the time. I can’t recall specifically.”

“To get into this school of yours, a child has to wake up a dragon?” you ask in disbelief. You’ve seen Game of Thrones. You’ve seen The Hobbit. You know about dragons.

“Just to hatch a baby dragon. It takes a great deal of magic and concentration to do so. She did so successfully, hatching the dragon you know as Spike.”

“Her assistant?”

“The very same.”

“But he’s just a kid. Shouldn’t he be a teenager by now?”

“Dragons age much slower than ponies. He won’t be a teenager for quite some time. Dragons can live for a millennia, if they’re lucky.”

“I don’t mean to bring up your age again,” you say, getting a smile from the princess, “but does that mean you age similar to dragons?”

“Thank you for being a gentleman, but I do not mind speaking of my age. My sister and I do not age like dragons. While they may spend a decade as a baby, my sister and I age like everypony else. Our bodies grow and advance as quickly as everypony else’s. However, we stopped aging sometime in our 20’s or 30’s, not physically getting any older.”

“Have you always - no, sorry,” you stop yourself, not wanting to ask a disrespectful question.

“You may ask me anything, dear. No need to be bashful. We can learn a lot about each other through open discussion.”

“Okay… Uhm… Have you… Where I come from, ponies are small, and horses are large. You and your sister resemble horses more than ponies… So my question is…”

“Why am I so big?” she chuckles.

“Just out of curiosity,” you flush.

“Alicorns do tend to be larger. There are a lot of theories as to why we get so big, but nopony knows for certain. I’ve heard it’s because we are more magically gifted than anypony else, but I don’t know if I buy that. It’s just the way it always has been. Earth ponies are typically physically larger than unicorns, for example. I was this same height when I was seventeen. My sister and I used to hate it as we would always get teased and gawked at, until we realized we could use our size to our advantage. Ponies don’t tease us as much anymore.”

“Ponies teased you so you became princesses?”

“Not exactly,” the princess giggles. “But not too far off either. We used it as a motivator. We didn’t like being bullied or told what to do. What better way to put an end to all that than by being the boss?”

“Can’t argue with that,” you laugh. Princess Celestia must be a very driven woman if she conquered a land solely because she does what she wants. You find it admirable. “It must’ve been difficult.”

“It was, I suppose. My sister and I didn’t just overthrew a government and take Equestria in one fell swoop. We took it piece by piece over several centuries, and it has looked the same as it does now for more than a millenia. I’m very proud of it.”

“As you should be. I’ve only seen a bit of it, but everything looks beautiful and everyone is happy.”

“I couldn’t ask for more. The worst thing about peace is that it makes ponies discontent. Ponies who live in peace sometimes find that they’d rather live in war. And those who live in war just want to live in peace. It’s nice that my citizens seem pleased with this era of relative calm. It makes my job a lot easier.”

“Everyone wants want they don’t have.”

“More true than not.”

“If I may, I’d like to ask about your sister.”

“Of course! Have you had an opportunity to speak with her yet?”

“Uhm…” you breathe, mentally debating if you should tell Princess Celestia about last night’s events. She doesn’t appear to know what transpired, so should you really tell her? Eh, probably not. “I spoke with her briefly last night.”

“Excellent! She really is a very sweet girl, but doesn’t typically come across that way. So, what would you like to know about her?”

“Why does she speak the way she does?”

“It’s a very long story. One I’d rather not share over a meal I’m trying to enjoy.”

“I’m sorry to ask.”

“No, no, don’t be. I will tell you, but after I finish dessert. For now, I will simply tell you she prefers changing prepositions, rather than saying “I” she says “We” when referring to herself because she believes everything the Princess of Equestria says should be on behalf of Equestria. She never claims to voice her own opinion, but instead, Equestria’s opinion.”

“That makes a lot more sense now.”

Just then, the kitchen doors open and a rolling table filled with food is brought out.

“Ah, finally,” the princess sighs, more than ready to eat. “I’ve been looking forward to eating since… breakfast, I guess.”

This lady sure does love her food. It’s amazing how fit and muscular she looks considering food is all she talks and thinks about. But she is a big girl, so she can probably eat a lot without gaining weight. She presumably has a larger stomach than other ponies.

A literal mountain of spaghetti is placed before you and the Princess along with a loaf of bread, a bowl of salad, and glasses full of water. It all looks delicious, of course, but why so much? Is this all for the two of you?

Princess Celestia puts a few slices of bread on her plate before piling spaghetti on top of it, looking more than pleased to be around food. A lot of your interactions with this horse seem to be involving food, and god damn she loves it.

“Help yourself, dear, don’t be shy,” she instructs, passing you the bowl and you dish out a moderate amount of food. The amount on your plate isn’t even half of what Princess Celestia has. It’s not even a third.

You both begin the meal, remarking on how it tastes, and you admit it is really good but it’s not the best you’ve ever had. You guess in a world of knock off Italian ponies the food will also be knock off Italian food.

Nevertheless, it’s still good, and you’re grateful for a familiar meal. It’s much better than whatever you were eating in the hospital.

As the conversation between you both is just about to resume, the doors at the far end of the room slowly creak open, the annoying sound echoing throughout the large chamber for several moments as an old pony pushes the door open.

A familiar face lurches into the room. You can’t remember this guy’s name, but you remember the Princess said he was an advisor. You two have not been formally introduced.

“Oh! Good afternoon, Mr. Kiusa,” Princess Celestia greets as the aged pony hobbles into the room, eyeing you for longer than you find comfortable and appropriate. As he gets closer, his odd scent fills your nose, as he smells of old books, hair gel, sweat, and just generally like an old person. “Care for some lunch? We’re having spaghetti. I can tell the chef to make more if you would like to join us.”

Make more? There’s a mountain of spaghetti sitting in front of both of you and she’s talking about making more? Does she expect you and her to finish off this pile of food by yourselves?

The old pony meanders his way up the dining table, looking between your plate and the princess’ plate, noticing how much more spaghetti is on her plate. There’s at least four times the amount of food on her plate than yours, but she is a big girl so she presumably needs it.

“I don’t think you need anymore food,” Mr. Kiusa says disappointedly.

You can’t tell if he’s simply referring to the amount of food Celestia has on her plate or how much she’s been eating. Either way, you wonder who this guy is to question the princess like that.

An uncomfortable silence reigns over the room as you decide not to say anything at all. Princess Celestia doesn’t either, and Kiusa is just staring at her plate. You don’t want to say anything, but you desperately hope someone does. Awkward silences are unbearable, especially in the realm of talking horses.

Princess Celestia doesn’t appear to pay his comments much mind, as she swirls a forkful of spaghetti and shoves it in her mouth, eating without a care.

“You know I love good food,” the princess says, cutting herself a piece of bread.

“You love all food, by the looks of you,” Kiusa says, looking the princess up and down.

What did he just say?! Your eyes widen in horror at the way this guy just spoke to royalty. If this was Game of Thrones, he’d be dead by now.

But honestly, what the fuck is this guy's problem?! Does he mean to sound like a jackass, or is it just coincidence? It’s making you uncomfortable. You want him to leave.

You and the princess were enjoying a nice meal with nice conversation before this old guy shows up. You don’t think you like him.

Meanwhile, the princess doesn’t even appear to hear the old man’s words as she eats half a piece of bread in one bite while daintily dabbing her mouth with a napkin. It’s funny how she’s eating so much food while still trying to act graceful and proper. It’s adorable, really.

Another uncomfortable silence reigns over the empire, as Princess Celestia doesn’t respond and there’s no way in hell you’re going to say something now. You’re not even hungry anymore.

Can this guy seriously leave? You were having a good time with Princess Celestia and this guy has to come and fuck it up? Seriously, something good was happening for a while there.

As much as Princess Celestia intimidates you, you’re starting to get used to her. She’s not as scary or as imposing as she was yesterday now that you’ve had a few chats. Perhaps, in time, you’ll even grow to like the giant horse lady.

Unfortunately that day doesn’t appear to be today, as the rest of your life may very well be one long awkward moment, thanks to Mr. Kiusa. He just seems like a grumpy old man and you don’t like having him around.

First impressions are everything, after all, and his has been downright terrible.

“You know, Mr. Kiusa,” Princess Celestia begins, fortunately breaking the silence again, “I was thinking earlier, sitting in the Throne Room, that the entryway doors are outdated. I’m going to look into replacing them. Something that’s lighter will give a better impression of the room.”

Mr. Kiusa heavily rolls his eyes, and you silently pray this guy doesn’t say anything more insulting than he already has. But, judging by the look he’s giving the Princess, he’s going to.

“You should focus more on your work than on interior decorating,” he says.

Well, even though it wasn’t really an insult, you still want him to leave. He’s bringing the room down. It’s only a matter of time before he says something else that makes everyone uncomfortable.

You turn your head a bit to look at Mr. Kiusa, only to discover that he’s already staring at you. You’re quick to turn back to your food again, now feeling even more strange to be in the same room as this guy.

“I need to replace my throne cushion, too,” Princess Celestia adds, unabated by Mr. Kiusa’s attitude. “It’s gone flat. I may as well be sitting on marble. It’s hard to work on a flat cushion, you know.”

“Perhaps if you actually managed to stick to your diet instead of eating all day with your new friend, your ever growing posterior wouldn’t have ruined that poor cushion and you wouldn’t have this problem at all.”

For… the… love… of… ass...

Did he genuinely just say that to the princess? Are you hearing something incorrectly? What the hell is even going on anymore?

You’re having a real nice time with Princess Celestia, and this guy is ruining it! You’ve got to say something, you just have to say something!

Princess Celestia has been very kind and you officially became friends about 30 minutes ago, so for this douche to come in here and douche up the place is ludicrous!

Just as you turn to tell Mr. Kiusa off, you notice that he’s already more than halfway out of the room. That even further baffles you.

Did Mr. Kiusa come in here just to insult the princess? What was the point of any of that?

“Looks like somepony woke up on the wrong side of the bed,” Celestia giggles, pointing her fork at the departing Kiusa. “It’s easy to let old age make one generally bitter, I know, I’ve been there. But what a rude thing to say. I’m a Princess. It is not his job to tell me about the size of my posterior… I have somepony else to do that.”

“I-I can’t believe he said that,” you say in utter disbelief. You can’t believe the princess is just laughing off an insult like it was nothing. “I can’t believe he said that to you…”

“If he wants to show his displeasure it’s best he does so to me. If he did so to my sister, he’d be a pile of ashes by now.” Celestia laughs. “Ah… But that’s a story for another time.”

Wait, what?

“How’s the spaghetti, dear? As good as it was back in your world?”

You honestly forgot you were eating. That old guy just walked up to what you believe to be a powerful warlord goddess and told her that her ass was fat…

How the fuck is that guy not being killed right now? Or at least fired?

“I’m sorry, Princess…” you clear your throat, snapping back to reality. “I’m just a little stunned at what I heard Mr. Kiusa say.”

“He’s a faithful advisor and has been for many years. He doesn’t mean his words in an insulting way. It’s more of a harsh criticism.”

“It sounded like an insult to me.”

“As a Princess, I get insulted all the time. Ponies think I have a big butt? They’ve always thought that. Ponies think I’m stupid? They’ve always thought that. Ponies think I’m weak and don’t know what I’m doing? They’ve always thought that. Ponies will always think disdainfully about politicians, believing them to be collectively dumb and that somepony can do a better job. It’s tough to get insulted the first few times, but I eventually became numb to it. I know I’m doing a good job, and that’s all that matters.”

“I agree with that, Princess, and I don’t mean to question the way you run your kingdom, but why does he work for you? Why is he so comfortable with being disrespectful?”

“Oh, it’s not like that. Mr. Kiusa isn’t a stallion to mince words. I’ve always described him as ‘If it’s on his mind then it’s out his mouth.’ He voices his opinion at all times, not meant as an insult, but as a criticism. That’s more or less what his job is.”

“Even so, the way he was speaking to you was disrespectful, I think. If he had a normal job and spoke to his boss like that, he’d be fired.”

“He’s just been in a mood ever since my sister returned. He used to have a lot more responsibility until she took over again. I think he’s a bit jealous. He’s not used to having her around. He’ll get over it. And if not, he’ll retire.”

“How old is he?”

“Oh, goodness… He’s… 72?”

“That’s very old.”

“He’s worked for me since he was 35. Over half his life has been spent at my side. He just feels a bit left out, I think. He can’t work as efficiently as he once did.”

“I hope you don’t mind my asking, but why do you need an advisor, Princess?” you ask. “I mean, Equestria is run by several princesses, so what does an advisor do?”

“That’s a fair question. As you may guess, my advisor hardly does much of anything. Here’s the situation: I ruled Equestria by myself for 1,000 years; I’ll elaborate on that later. As such, I needed advisors to help me keep my thoughts together. Then, just a few months ago actually, my sister returned to rule by my side, which significantly lessened my workload. And now Cadance is a princess as well, which lessens my workload still. A big benefit of having them assist me is that I work less. After 1,000 years, I think I’ve earned the right to take it easy for a while. But, the downside is that if I’m not busy, Mr. Kiusa isn’t busy either. He’s just not used to it.”

“You’ve ruled over a kingdom for 1,000 years?” you ask in astonishment.

“That I did,” Princess Celestia boasts, sticking her chest out a bit and eating a forkful of spaghetti. “I had a lot more energy in those days. The majority of it was dreadfully dull.”

“I imagine so. Most people can’t work in the same place for more than a decade or two, so to be in the same position for a millenia is unbelievable.”

“Things are a lot nicer now. I haven’t had the time to just… sit back, relax, and do some interior decorating… or napping… or any of the little fun things I used to love so much. I hope I can start those things soon. Politics… it’s not what it used to be.”

“Yeah?”

“Back in the day - Oh! Just look at me, ‘Back in the day,’” she giggles, impersonating herself. “Sometimes I really do sound like an old mare… Ahem, back in the day, if a King or Queen or somebody didn’t like me, they’d attack Equestria. And lose, of course. All I do is win. But nowadays, if somebody doesn’t like me, they’ll just send me passive aggressive letters or publish something calling me fat and stupid… It’s strange, but I kind of miss war. It’s easier to handle than someone being a bully from 10,000 miles away. Sometimes, I wish things were still like the old days.”

“Be careful what you wish for,” you laugh. “I have no doubt you were a great warrior, but surely war isn’t desirable.”

“Oh, of course not… It just has a sort of nostalgic value. It’s hard to describe.”

“I guess even unpleasant things seem desirable in a nostalgic way. Like school. I hated it while I was there, but sometimes I think back on those days and wouldn’t mind visiting them for a while.”

“Exactly.”

“Not to say my schooldays were akin to war,” you say, getting a laugh from the princess. “I imagine my school was a lot less exciting.”

“Well, if you ever want to speak about war, my sister is certainly the one to do it with. She doesn’t do well with strangers, but battles are something she’ll talk about with anyone.”

“That’s good to know. I took a stroll last night and came across Princess Luna… I didn’t know what to say to her. She was really quiet.”

“She’s always been like that. She’ll talk a lot if you ask the right questions. She likes reminiscing about the old days, so if you want her to open up, try asking something about it. Tell her to tell you about the Battle of Talltree. Nothing gets her chatting quite like it… How was your stroll, though? Couldn’t sleep?”

“No, I guess not,” you say, telling the truth. You suppose she doesn’t know you went to jail for a bit last night. It’s for the best not to tell her. Hearing Princess Luna yell is still freaking you out. “It was a nice time, though. Princess Luna seems… nice.”

Princess Celestia laughs. “I don’t think anypony has described her in such a way after meeting me sister for the first time, but I’m glad you think so.”

This lunch is starting to look up again, now that Mr. Kiusa has fucked off. Princess Celestia is a very pleasant woman and you’re warming up to her pretty fast. It’s nice to share a meal together, it’s a much less stressful environment than being in the Throne Room.

Princess Celestia is much more interesting woman than you originally anticipated. And she hasn’t tried to kill you, not even once. Nopony has.

Who knows, maybe you’ll like this woman after a little while.

“More spaghetti, dear?”

==========

Have you ever been this hungry in your entire life?

You regret declining Princess Celestia’s assistance in finding a place that serves meat, but you’re just not ready to be out and about in a city full of talking horses. You think you might die if you saw something as bizarre as that.

You’ll go out eventually, but today was not going to be that day.

Just having a salad for dinner, albeit a large one, isn’t cutting it. It was a lovely dinner and all, only you, Princess Celestia, and Princess Cadance attended this evening, but a salad is just not enough.

There has to be more food in this massive castle in the kitchen. You bet this place has enough food to feed the whole city! This castle basically is a city in itself.

The biggest problem with hunger, aside from it ultimately leading to death, is the inability to be comfortable. How are you supposed to sleep with a stomach containing several leaves and croutons and shit?

Your body demands more.

Tragically, you doubt the kitchen is open now. It’s a little after midnight, so you assume the only ponies working are guards and maybe some housekeepers.

However, when one door closes another one opens, so if the kitchen is abandoned, all the food remaining in it will be unguarded and up for grabs.

With that thought, you begin to creep out from your bedroom. The hallway appears to be clear, so you move out.

Of course, you don’t have to sneak around necessarily. If you want to, you can go anywhere. But, because you’re not sure if raiding the kitchen is allowed, and assume it isn’t, it’d be best to remain in stealth mode.

The best thing about the castle, at least right now, is that the floors are very solid and smooth. As such, your wheelchair makes little to no noise as you roll about. It makes life much easier.

With several hundred feet remaining between you and the kitchen, you silently roll down the empty hallway.

==========

If you were in a video game, you’d have an insanely high ‘sneak’ level. The fact that you’ve rolled around this castle in a chair, got lost several times, and still haven’t gotten caught is incredible.

For all you know, though, the guards do see you sneaking around and just don’t give a shit. You don’t think there’s a rule against you roaming about now, especially after what happened last night.

But you’ve done an excellent job at avoiding the guards you’ve seen so far. It’s not easy to hide yourself, being as large as you are relative to these tiny creatures.

A giant, odd looking creature in a wheelchair like you is easy to spot.

Nevertheless, you’re starting to get a better feel for this castle: your new home, it seems. It’s about time. You don’t know all of the rooms (probably not even half), but you do know the more important ones.

“Aha!” you whisper upon finding the dining room that you were eating dinner in hours ago. Where there’s a dining room, there’s a kitchen, and so it must be one of the adjacent rooms.

Best thing about this area is that no guards seem to be immediately around. You suppose if someone was sneaking around, they probably wouldn’t be doing so at the dinner table. There’d be no sense in that.

Once again, you ponder whether or not you’re actually allowed to do this. The more you think about it, the more you feel like it’d be perfectly fine for you to get something to eat. Everyone here has been insanely pleasant to you, so if you asked for food, you doubt they’d say no.

But, no sense in taking that chance. Stealth mode it is.

Just beyond these doors in front of you are the kitchen, the heavenly room of food and happiness. You’re more than ready to pig out on… whatever you find and pass out.

However, just before you push open the kitchen door, something stops you. There’s a very dim light coming from the crack at the bottom of the door. As such, this obviously means that one of the lights is on in the kitchen, and as you press your ear to the door, you hear rustling, assuming that there must be someone inside.

Perhaps it’s a janitor or maid or someone cleaning up a bit. Perhaps it’s a chef, getting an early start on the Princess’ meals. Perhaps it’s a guard, patrolling the kitchen, ready to kill any wheelchair bound humans they please.

You’ve come too far to turn back now, so there’s no option other than going forward, but you elect to do so slowly, as to see who specifically is in this room.

With a light push, you nudge the door open just a creak, peeking into the dimly lit room. At the far end of the room is a giant refrigerator and what appears to be a pony sitting in front of it.

There’s only one pony in there, by the looks of things, and this individual is… eating?

There’s somebody in here having a midnight snack too! That’s good. Considering the only light in the room is coming from the refrigerator, you assume this pony isn’t supposed to be in here.

Fantastic! That gives you something to bond over. Maybe this is that cute little French maid from yesterday. It could be anyone, but no matter. Time to make a friend! And eat ice cream together!

Putting your fear of little horses behind you, you wheel in and turn on the light, illuminating the entire room. The pony at the far end of the room literally jumps in surprise, turning quickly towards you with shrunken eyes. A spoon hangs out of the pony’s mouth as she was caught in the middle of a bite.

“P-Princess Celestia?!” you gasp.

The pony sitting on her big bottom in front of the refrigerator, by herself, in the middle of the night, eating straight out of a tub of ice cream, is Princess Celestia. However, she looks very different from how she did earlier.

Her once vibrant, colorful, flowing mane is now still and bound with several pink hair curlers atop her scalp. She seemed very awake earlier but now has visible bags under her eyes. She’s still wearing her crown but not her shoes, and you cannot tell if she’s wearing her necklace as she’s donning a very large, pink bathrobe with a fluffy light pink collar.

“Oh good,” Princess Celestia sighs, taking another bite of ice cream, quickly followed by another. “I thought you were Shining,” she manages with her mouth full.

She takes another bite before holding out the tub in your direction, silently offering you to join her.

Once you get over the initial shock of seeing the magical, giant, talking, winged, horse goddess sitting in front of a freezer by herself eating ice cream, you decide to join her.

This really is quite a spectacle.

You roll up to the Princess who currently looks incredibly un-regal, and she levitates you a spoon. You guess you aren’t in trouble for sneaking around for a midnight snack, especially if the ruler of the country is doing it too.

After getting over the shock of whatever is going on, you work up the courage to speak to the Princess.

“What on Earth are you doing eating ice cream in the dark, Your Majesty? It’s the middle of the night!”

“I’m hungry. I assume that’s why you’re here as well, is it not?”

“Well, yes, but what I meant was why are you eating down here? With the lights off? Why not eat in your bedroom?”

“As a princess, one of the most important qualities to have is attractiveness. As such, I have to maintain a certain figure and am forced to diet. Lots of foods I’m flat out refused to be allowed to have. It leaves me very hungry most nights, so I have to sneak down here if I want to eat.”

“But you’re the princess,” you reason, a little confused. “Who’s going to stop you from eating something?”

“Literally everypony. My sister, Captain Armor, Mr. Kiusa… All of them make sure I adhere to a strict diet.”

“What are they going to do if they catch you? Throw you in jail? There can’t be a whole lot they can do.”

“They will lecture me until my ears bleed. It’s very frustrating. It makes life easier to just not get caught.”

“Wait, so seriously? You can’t just eat whatever you want?”

“Ugh, apparently not. Don’t get me started.”

“That’s so lame.”

“Right?!” the Princess agrees. “I’m the Princess! I should be allowed to do what I want!”

“Exactly! If you want a tub of ice cream, you should have it!”

“Thank you! You know, I like having you around,” she says, saying your name. “You’re the most sensible person in this entire city.”

You flush just a bit at the compliment. It’s nice to be complimented by a princess. It’s not something you’re accustomed to.

“I’m the only person in this entire city,” you joke, eliciting a laugh from your midnight snack buddy.

“Yes, that is a fact,” she giggles. “Oh! I’m terribly sorry, hogging all the good stuff. Please dear, don’t be shy.”

The Princess levitates the tub of ice cream aloft in between you both, offering you the now half empty tub of ice cream. You gladly take it and start eating.

“Mint chocolate chip?” you ask, guessing the flavor.

“That’s right!” the Princess beams. “It might be my favorite… but then again, I do like cookie dough… but then again, I do like vanilla... but then again, I do like the butternut almond chocolate fudge strawberry cheesecake swirl… but then again…”

You’re sure this woman could just list every ice cream flavor in the world and claim it’s her favorite.

If there is one thing you actually do know about this woman it’s that she loves food. You’re not sure if she’s actually 3,000 years old or however old she claims to be. You’re not sure if she’s some sort of demigod or something. But you do know that she eats a lot.

But just knowing that much makes you feel more comfortable around the woman. This whole situation is just absurd! It’s enough to make you laugh, and you do, getting a curious glance from the Princess.

In your mind, this talking horse is some kind of grand wizard capable of destroying you and the entire world with a single thought. So seeing her here… sitting in front of the freezer… wearing a pink bathrobe and hair curlers… looking as innocent and childlike as a Princess could…

Never in a billion years did you ever think you’d see something like this. This is amazing.

“Y’know,” you begin, feeling more comfortable around Princess Celestia than you ever have, so you’re feeling more willing to talk. “If I was King or Prince or whatever, I’d eat whatever I want, all the time.”

“I used to be as naive. It’s a shame I’m not allowed to eat whatever I want nowadays. The food tastes better these days than it ever has!”

“Ain’t that the truth. Sugar and spices make the world go around.”

“Everypony’s always telling me, ‘Oh, Celestia! You must stick to your diet!’ ‘Oh Celestia! Your butt’s too big!’ ‘Oh Celestia! Don’t sit down too fast or you’ll cause an earthquake!’ Give me a break. I don’t even want to diet.”

You laugh. “For what it’s worth, I think you look great. You’re by far the most muscular pony I’ve seen.”

“And you are a flatterer,” she giggles. “Most others would disagree with you, especially those who know what I looked like a few decades ago. I had a much stricter workout routine that I adhered to.”

“I can’t imagine you any more muscular than you already are,” you say, mouth full of ice cream. This is a terrific bonding experience, you think. “Compared to me and everypony else I’ve seen, you’re buff as hell.”

Is that a proper way to talk to a princess?

Princess Celestia smiles confidently, lifting up a foreleg so it’s in front of your face. “Come on, check out these bad girls,” she urges, flexing her considerable foreleg muscles and nodding towards them. “Come on, they don’t bite!”

With a nervous chuckle, you hesitantly extend your arm and grip her foreleg muscles as she flexes them, allowing you to feel her strength. She flashes you a cocky grin, making you laugh. She looks too cute right now. Her foreleg is strong and tight as you expected, but perhaps a bit squishier than you anticipated.

But hey, that’s what eating a tub of ice cream will do to ya.

You also never expected her legs to feel so soft and smooth and furry. It feels lovely.

“You could be a bodybuilder,” you joke.

“I was thinking more along the lines of a boxer,” she laughs. “After being in meetings all day, there are fewer things I’d like to do than sock somepony in the jaw.”

“I’d appreciate it if you didn’t punch me.”

“I enjoy your company,” she smiles, saying your name. “I wouldn’t hit you anyway. But the mayor of Minneighapolis? He’s got one coming.”

“Why not just lay him out then?”

“I doubt the citizens of Equestria would appreciate a Princess who preaches about love and tolerance punching an old man half my size.”

“Jeez, you can’t do anything as Princess! Can’t eat ice cream. Can’t punch anypony in the mouth. The job sounds overrated.”

She giggles again, and you feel like you’re on a rampage. Surely the best way to make anyone your friend is to make them laugh, and you’re doing a great job.

You laugh too, but more at the absurdity of everything than anything else. This princess is wearing hair curlers in a bathrobe eating ice cream in secret while talking about punching ponies and how fat she supposedly is.

As if eating ice cream with a horse isn’t odd enough. This whole situation is so bizarre it’s hilarious.

“There was a time I could do all that,” Princess Celestia says. “Can’t just punch who you want to nowadays. Can’t just eat what you want to either.”

“Well, you’re not supposed to be eating ice cream, and you are in secret. Should I expect you punching the mayor of Minneapolis in secret?”

“Snitches get stitches,” she mock threatens with a chuckle, and you join in. “Minneapolis is a… city where you come from?”

“Yep. I imagine it to be oddly similar to your pony equivalent.”

“Truly fascinating… It’s a very lovely city… But that mayor? He’s got one coming. No respect for any pony.”

“A true politician.”

“Not a fan of politicians?” the princess asks, making you a little nervous to answer.

“Can’t say I come across them very often.”

“I’m a politician.”

“You’re a unique case, Your Majesty."

“How do you figure that?” she asks, swallowing a mouthful of ice cream.

“You’re already in power and, because of your age and position, don’t have to worry about getting reelected. You don’t have to pander to anyone or do things just for show… necessarily. You’re a unique woman.”

“I’m glad you agree,” she says with a wink and another mouthful of ice cream. You smile up at the woman, happy to be here and in her company.

She’s a comfort and, as it turns out, a joy to be around. Perhaps your time here will be a good one. It’d be nice to enjoy yourself before Twilight finds you a way back home.

“Got anything else to eat in here?” you ask, still hungry.

“Plenty!” Princess Celestia exclaims, finishing off the tub of ice cream and tossing it at the trashcan, only for her shot to miss and the empty tub rolls onto the floor. “There’s a pantry over there, if you’d like to take a look. I’m gonna grab some more ice cream, myself.”

You roll off towards the pantry, opening it up and suddenly realizing how big it is. It’s almost the size of your current bedroom, with various snacks and foods shelved ten feet high.

This place is incredible. A lot of the food consists of various salad dressings and garnishes or whatever that doesn't constitute as food in themselves, but there’s still a lot of stuff in here. The first thing you see is a box of graham crackers, so you grab those and start eating. It’s amazing the food here is so similar to where you’re from.

It makes everything much easier.

There are also several large bags of marshmallows that you’d like to grab, but you can’t quite reach given your current position. Life is too difficult sometimes.

“See anything you like?” the Princess asks, suddenly behind you, startling you considerably. “Oh! Sorry dear, I didn’t mean to frighten you.”

“No, that’s fine,” you breathe, turning towards the robed horse.

“Are all humans so jumpy?”

“No,” you laugh. “That’d just be me. I thought you were a guard or something.”

“You really don’t like the guards, huh?”

“I’ll get used to them, I’m sure. I’m just not used to having guards around all the time. Where I used to live I didn’t have a bunch of threatening, big guys around watching my every move.”

“My guards look threatening but they mean well. They’re trying to protect me as best they can, so they can come across as hostile. If any of them touch you, I will deal with them. They know better than to disobey me.”

You assume that she still doesn’t know about your run in with the guards last night, but you’ll just keep it that way. No sense in making a ruckus.

“If I’m honest, it’s been making me nervous,” you admit. “How strong you look.”

“I hate to have given off the impression I may harm you.”

“I wouldn’t say you’ve given that impression, Your Majesty… It’s just I’ve been so nervous all the time; more than I ever have been. With how nice you’ve been to me, I’ve been more afraid of accidentally offending you than anything else.”

“I’ve got thick skin, my dear. I doubt you could offend me even if you tried.”

“I don’t think I ever would try is what I mean. Because this world is new to me, I don’t want to do something I normally do and accidentally offend you. Or anyone else for that matter.”

“Like what?”

“That’s the thing, I have no idea.”

“Do not worry yourself, dear,” she laughs. “If you do something out of the ordinary I will bring it to your attention. But so far, you’ve been nothing short of a gentleman. And if I think that, everypony will think that… Marshmallow?”

The Princess levitates the bag of marshmallows off the shelf and gives them to you, while getting another bag for herself.

“I love these things,” she says, opening the bag and popping one in her mouth. “Straight to my tush, though. Once Luna discovered these little things existed, she started calling me ‘Marshmallow Butt’.”

You stifle a laugh, not wanting to appear rude but still finding that funny. Thankfully, Celestia laughs as well.

“I love my sister dearly and like no other, but despite how courteous I am she will always insist on constantly teasing me about my figure.”

“Oh?”

“All the time. She’s a quicker thinker than I am, even after all these years. She’s very skilled in teasing and pushing my buttons. Everytime she catches me going for a midnight snack, she will walk around my backside and feign blindness, exclaiming ‘Oh! Dear sister! The sun has seemingly doubled in size!’”

You laugh, you just can’t help it.

“She’ll say, ‘Please! Your kingdom will go blind!’” Celestia laughs. “It’s very funny, yes, but irritating. So now I have to sneak down here and hope she doesn’t catch me, lest the teasing resume. And I haven’t come up with a good enough comeback yet, so she won’t stop. Sisterly love.”

“Siblings are the best,” you say. “Love ‘em or hate ‘em, they’re always there.”

“Mm-hmm.”

“All you need is a few good comebacks and she’ll stop.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, find something to tease her about. Get a leg up on her.”

“I can’t think of anything,” she admits, eating a few more marshmallows. “Luna is a quicker thinker than I am; always has been, believe it or not.”

“Does Luna have to diet?” you ask, hoping not to cross some sort of line.

“Oh, definitely. All the princesses have to. Appearances matter more than anything in politics.”

“How about,” you begin, thinking of something Celestia can fight back with. “How about… Next time your sister is eating, sit right next to her, scooch up to her side so your cutie marks are next to each other, and say ‘Oh goodness! There’s an eclipse!’”

“Ha ha!” Celestia belts out, doubling over in laughter. You start laughing too, seeing how much the Princess enjoyed your simple suggestion. As such, you decide to push your luck.

“Say ‘Somehow the size of the moon has surpassed the sun!’”

“Ha ha!” Celestia laughs, stomping a hoof, making you laugh even harder. You’ve never seen the Princess in this state before but you’re loving it. A horse in a fluffy pink robe and hair curlers laughing her ass off with a mouthful of marshmallows. “Ha ha *snort*”

The large white goddess freezes in place in utter shock, her face turning a deep red.

“Oh goodness,” she says, recomposing herself while you stare at her in disbelief.

That was the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen in your entire life, you think. You must make it happen again. You absolutely must make that happen again. This giant horse goddess has the best laugh ever. You love it.

“That was very unladylike,” she clears her throat, trying to stand up straight. You think it’s a shame that now she feels embarrassed about her laugh because you adore it.

“That was awesome,” you say, laughing. “Your laugh is awesome.”

“Thanks,” she giggles with a strained smile. “I try to control it when out in public.”

“What? Why?”

“It’s not the most refined of noises.”

“No, I guess it’s not, but does it have to be?”

“It does if you’re a princess,” she nods.

“See, that sucks. Can’t eat what you want, can’t punch who you want, and now can’t even laugh how you want? The job sounds overrated at best.”

“That it does,” the Princess quietly remarks with a small smile, and you feel like you’ve somehow brought the mood of the room down.

She doesn’t seem as upbeat as she did before so now you’ve gotta think of something to get out of this situation.

“I’m still hungry,” you say, getting her attention. “How about we make some sundaes?”

That seems like the best way to get back on track.

“I’ll get the bowls,” she smiles, and you mentally high five yourself for getting the ball rolling again. You and the Princess seem to enjoy each other’s company quite a lot, at least when it’s just you two hanging out together.

You like being with her now. She was intimidating earlier, but seeing her in a fluffy pink bathrobe and hair curlers while having some fun in the middle of the night with you has essentially erased all your previous apprehensions.

This is just amazing. She hasn’t treated you anything short of a welcomed friend, and she’s been incredibly accommodating to a stranger and foreign creature like you.

You should try harder to be friendly with this gently woman. You’ve been very pleasing this evening, if you must judge yourself, and you’ll try to act this carefree around her henceforth.

The Princess levitates out a couple bowls and several tubs of ice cream all at once, placing them before you.

“How should we start?” the princess asks with a big smile.

==========

These are easily the tallest sundaes on the face of the planet. What started as adding several different flavors of ice cream and sprinkles together in a bowl has turned into stacking whatever you both can find as high as physically possible.

You’ve forgotten you were supposed to be eating these.

The base of your sundae is vanilla ice cream with chocolate on top of that, then more vanilla, then some nuts and sprinkles and cherries, then some whipped cream, then some marshmallows, then some graham crackers, then god knows what. This building project has quickly descended into madness.

Princess Celestia’s sundae is more of the same, but her sundae is kind of leaning to the side, getting close to toppling over.

“You sure that’s gonna hold?” you laugh, pointing to her sundae. “Looks like the Leaning Tower of Pisa.”

Celestia laughs. “It’ll be fine! It’ll be fine! It just needs a support system… Maybe we can make one out of marshmallows and toothpicks.”

“Like scaffolding?”

“Yes, yes. Maybe we can use some graham crackers and cake frosting to hold it together, like in a gingerbread house. Like some flying buttresses.”

“I like the way you think, Your Majesty.”

“Well, you don’t get to where I am today without knowing these things,” she brags with a chuckle.

You start connecting graham crackers with cake frosting to hold them together in the hopes of supporting the Princess’ leaning tower of ice cream while she does the same.

“Timber!” the princess exclaims, and you look up just in time to watch her sundae topple, splattering onto the table. “Ooh. Too little too late," she laughs, not caring at all that her tall dessert now lies in ruins.

“Well, at least we were trying. Here, help me with mine,” you suggest, handing her a bag of marshmallows which she gladly accepts. You decide to just ignore the pile of ice cream and nuts and cherries that is now piled onto the floor. Cleaning up would ruin the fun.

The Princess impales several marshmallows onto a twizzler and pushes it into the ice cream.

“Very creative, Princess,” you say, complimenting her work.

“Thank you, my dear,” she buffs out her chest proudly. “Oh my, this is starting to get pretty big now.”

That’s what she said.

You contemplate making a dirty joke, but considering how young your relationship is, it’d be for the best to hold off on that for a while. You don’t know if she finds that kind of stuff humorous anyway.

The mountain of a sundae is now a couple feet tall, but that’s not going to last much longer. Ice cream melts, and two feet is a grand distance for ice cream to be piled, especially with all the other crap you’re both shoving onto it.

“Oh hey, check this out!” Princess Celestia exclaims, drawing a long line of whipped cream onto her face, just above her eyes, representing a unibrow. “You call me Boris now,” she demands with a scowl in an excellent eastern European impression. “You give me ice cream or I break legs.”

You laugh, enjoying her new accent very much.

“Why laugh? Why you laugh at Boris?”

“That’s an excellent impression, Your Majesty.”

“Isn’t it though?” she giggles, wiping her forehead clean and eating the whipped cream that was just there. I've had a few centuries to perfect it."

Princess Celestia takes the can of whipped cream again and directly sprays it onto her cheeks and chin, heavily coating it with the cream.

“Do I look prettier with a beard?” she winks, licking some of the cream off her lips. “I feel like a Princess.”

“Nothing short of beautiful,” you laugh.

You both laugh and continue to add random items to your sundae, now getting more carried away with that you can put on it than by what you actually want to eat. Actually eating all this hasn’t even crossed your mind.

Whoever is going to have to clean these up is gonna be pissed, but oh well. This is fun. You haven’t had this much fun since-

“Halt! Who goes there?!” a voice barks from outside the kitchen door.

You and Princess Celestia freeze in place, her eyes wide with some of the whipped cream dripping off her chin and onto the floor. She looks like a little kid about to get caught with their hand in the cookie jar, and that’s more or less what she is.

“Shh!” she shushes you, even though you’re not making a noise.

“I said Who goes there?! I’m coming in!” the voice barks, his hooves getting closer and closer.

In a flash, Princess Celestia’s eyes dart to meet yours as you both stare at each other, wondering what to do to escape this predicament.

“Run!”

“Hide!” you both exclaim simultaneously, bursting out into fits of laughter as you bolt out of the back of the kitchen.

The Princess takes the lead and you try your best to roll quickly behind her, trying to keep up and stay together. You both run into the hallway, but know you must distance yourselves as much as possible from the kitchen.

This is the fastest you’ve ever rolled, you think, as Princess Celestia glances behind her with a big smile, making sure you’re still there. The whipped cream is still dangling from her chin, you notice.

“Over here!” she whispers, and you both get behind a couple of columns to hide for a moment, still giggling, a rush of fresh energy overcoming you both. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” you laugh, catching your breath. “Haven’t had to sneak away from a midnight snack since I was a kid. Are you okay, sir?” you joke.

“I’m fine,” she laughs, wiping the remnants of her whipped cream beard off her face, eating the cream with no shame. “This is exciting, huh?”

“Very,” you laugh, not at what she said, but how she looks. She looks so excited to be hiding from her own guards, like a big kid. She’s so cute!

Huh. You guess that’s an okay thing to think, right? She is cute.

“Ready to move?” she asks, snapping you out of your stupor.

“Where are we heading?”

“Your room?”

“Sounds good to me. Is the coast clear?"

“Yeah, yeah,” she claims.

“You didn’t even look,” you observe. There’s no way she just knows you’re safe where you are without actually checking.

“Pfft!” she laughs sarcastically. “You're so cute. I don’t need to look! I know this castle like the back of my hoof! I know all the guard patrols, trust me. At this time of night, there are no standing guards in this and the next hallway.

“Okay, I trust you,” you say.

“Let’s go,” she whispers, creeping out from behind the pillar and you follow down the empty hallway. Once you reach the end, you turn left.

And immediately run straight into a group of several guards, including the Captain himself.

“Whoops!” the princess exclaims, quickly turning around and pushing you backwards with a bare hoof. “Wrong way! Wrong way!”

She grips your chair with her magic and drags you along as she trots in the opposite direction, pulling you at such a great speed you think you'll break the sound barrier. It's amazing this woman is sprinting so fast without shoes and in a bathrobe.

“Wow,” you laugh, making the Princess’ face turn red. “What happened to ‘I’m the Princess! I know everything about everything!’”

“Captain Armor must have changed the guard schedules,” she laughs at her mistake. “I have a short cut we can take.”

“Why didn’t we do that in the first place?”

“Because I’m the Princess and I do what I want.”

“Excellent point.”

Princess Celestia finally releases her grip on your chair and you resume rolling behind her. At this point you think it’s safe to stop sneaking around as those guards definitely saw you, but you decide not to tell her that. You’re having too much fun to stop now.

Besides, she probably wouldn’t agree with that. She presumably wouldn’t want her guards seeing her in a bathrobe and hair curlers. Again. At least she doesn’t care that you see her with all that.

After several turns and going through a large empty room, you enter a hallway that looks familiar and you recognize it as this is where your bedroom is.

Only problem is, there is a guard in this hallway. Is there a way to sneak by him? You and the Princess peak around the corner, looking at him for a few dozen feet away.

“I’ll take care of him,” the Princess smirks, her horn lighting up, and you momentarily wonder if she’s going to kill him. You assume not, but the thought does cross your mind.

Somehow, you hear Princess Celestia’s voice from down the hall, yelling “Guard! Guard! Come quickly! I've fallen and I can't get up!”

“How are you doing that?” you ask, looking up at the Princess in astonishment.

“Cool trick, huh? It’s a spell that lets me throw my voice. He’s totally buying it,” she smirks.

As you notice, the guard believes the Princess herself to be on the opposite end of the hallway, and hurries towards where he thinks she is.

“Go, go, go!” the Princess whispers, leading you back to your bedroom, which you both hurry inside fast enough so that the guard doesn’t see it. Safely inside, the Princess closes the door, having finally made it to your destination.

“That was amazing!” you exclaim, having head a great deal of fun.

“That it was!” the Princess agrees with a chuckle. “My heart hasn't been going like this in a very long time. We should do this again.”

“Nothing more exciting than running from your guards for no reason.”

“No reason? Do you know what would’ve happened if we got caught? We would’ve been scolded!”

You both share a laugh.

“But seriously, that was great. You’re a lot of fun.”

You blush unwillingly at the compliment. Being complimented by a Princess horse goddess creature just isn’t something you’re accustomed too, so for now you’re just gonna have to get used to flushing every once in awhile. It’s either that or stop being fun, and you’re not gonna stop being fun.

“Thanks,” you say, as confidently as you can. “I’m glad I snuck into the kitchen tonight, I like hanging out with you, Boris.”

She laughs heartily. “Boris is glad!” she says in her eastern European accent before speaking normally again. “We will be seeing each other very often so I’m glad we had such fun tonight.”

“Off to bed then?”

“Yes, I’m afraid so. This is the latest I’ve stayed up in quite a while, but I’m glad it was worth it,” she smiles. “I will see you tomorrow, my dear. Oh! And don’t tell my sister what we did.”

“Wouldn’t even dream of it.”

That comment makes Celestia laugh much harder than you thought it would, but whatever, you like her laugh.

“Please don’t dream of it, if you can help it. My sister will definitely find out that way. Have a pleasant night, my dear. Feel free to find me whenever you wake up.”

“I will. Goodnight, Princess Boris,” you bid with a smile.

She returns your smile before her horn lights up and in a blinding flash, she disappears completely.

“Wait, what the fuck?” you ask the empty room. “Did she just teleport? Couldn’t she have just done that in the first place?”

Pony magic is still something that is very unfamiliar to you, but now you know they can teleport places. At least Princess Celestia can.

Either she teleported or she disintegrated herself, but that’s not especially likely. With nothing else on tonight’s agenda, you slide into bed and turn off the light.

If tomorrow is half as good as tonight, then it will be a great day. You’re already looking forward to it.

Last night you went to bed nervous and confused. Tonight you’re going to bed excited and confused. The confusion will probably last forever in some amount, but you’re really looking forward to hanging out with the Princess some more.

And with that, you go to sleep.

==========

That’s probably when you started falling in love in Princess Celestia. She scared the crap out of you, and honestly she still kinda does, but once her playful nature started shining through, you couldn’t stop yourself from falling for her.

You first met her and she seemed like such a powerful and respected and feared ruler, but that night you saw that she’s just a big kid in charge of a country.

And you saw that she loves her sweets. God damn that woman can eat.

And, as the days went on from there, you saw Princess Celestia for what she was: a lonely old woman. But more on that later. There are more pressing matters to attend to right now.

First and foremost…

“When did you get so soft?!” you groan, squeezing your love as hard as your doped up mind allows. “You’re so soft and… big.”

“Recently, he’s been often referring to my large size with great affection,” you hear your love say. But her voice sounds distant, which bemuses you. Surely, as you’re cuddling her, her voice would be more local. “If I had a bit for every time he’s called me ‘big,’ I’d buy the Destrierians instead of fighting them.”

The sound of a second individual is heard giggling. “Take it as a compliment, sister,” you hear Princess Luna manage through laughter. “He’s clearly infatuated with your size, and with your large appetite, you should take that as a blessing.”

“He’s never minded my size. He’s always accommodated my eating habits. It’s what drew us together at first, in fact.”

“We’ve always found great amusement in that fact. In this day and age of personally choosing one’s own mate, We should have expected the stallion you’d fall for would be whichever one indulged your gluttony.”

“Har har,” your marefriend laughs sarcastically, though Luna does have a fair point. “We’ve always had plenty of things in common.”

“The most important one being a love of food, surely.”

“Perhaps,” Celestia says dryly. “But as fat as everypony thinks I am, he consumes much more than I! He just makes a better habit of working out.”

“It was practically his job. Staying in shape as a soldier is easy; as a princess, it’s much more difficult. Or practically impossible, in your case,” Luna giggles.

You can almost hear your marefriend rolling her eyes at Luna’s teasing. Sisterly love, as they call it. “He loves me for me, regardless of my figure.”

“If you say so… He is a carnivore, sister. Perhaps he’s fattening you up a stew!”

Princess Luna has always had a loud, deep, distinct laugh, and when it’s heard, there’s no denying the noise comes from her. This occasion is no exception.

Even though you can hear Princess Luna laughing, you don’t know exactly from where, as you still haven’t opened your eyes. Your eyelids feel much too heavy for such a feat.

You haven’t seen your girlfriend’s sister since your return home, and you’d very much like to see her for a while. But that act is proving much too difficult.

As such, if you cannot see Luna, you’ll just continue to cuddle her sister. Ya win some, ya lose some.

“Big and soft,” you mumble, stretching your back, feeling terribly comfortable. “I love my little big pony.” You push your face into Celestia’s soft flesh and kiss it before putting your head against her and sighing.

“What is he doing?” Princess Luna asks.

“Hmm? Oh, he’s cuddling a pillow. He thinks it’s me.”

Are they talking about you? You would ask but you can’t remember what you were going to ask in the first place.

Luna’s loud laughter echoes across the room once more as she takes great enjoyment in whatever Celestia said. You can’t remember.

“Your texture resembles that of a pillow?” Luna chuckles.

“Stop poking me, Luna!”

“You do feel like a pillow!”

“Stop poking me! Ugh… Tell me of your travels, sister,” Celestia requests. “Do try to ignore my coltfriend’s ramblings. He’s supposed to be sleeping, but finds great enjoyment in deliberately not listening to my requests.”

“I find his ramblings quite endearing,” you hear Princess Luna say. “With his mind on those drugs, he’s virtually incapable of telling a lie. He’s virtually incapable of forming a coherent thought! So the fact that all he’s done is speak of his love for you is most romantic.”

“I hadn’t thought of it that way,” Celestia admits. “Hmm… That is quite romantic… Don’t tell him he’s being romantic. I am still upset he left when I told him not to and he still has to make that up to me.”

You barely manage to squint your eyes open, and thankfully find that the room is almost entirely dark despite it being the middle of the day. All of the heavy curtains are drawn, blocking the sunlight most effectively.

The only light in the room would be that from the fireplace, which you struggle to look over to. As your blurry vision clears, you make out the forms of Celestia and Luna sitting in front of the fire on cushions, both facing towards it with their backs to you while sharing some tea.

It’s a shame you can’t really see their faces too well, as they aren’t facing you, but looking at their butts is way more fun anyway. You can’t say this out loud, but it appears having a big booty runs in their family.

It’s an amazing trait to have, and even more amazing for you so you can look it them all day.

Perhaps you will tell them how much you enjoy their butts. Surely that’s a compliment, right? If you told your girlfriend and her sister that they have nice butts they’d love that!

Right?

You turn over, not remembering your bed being this soft in your entire life and arch your back, letting out a loud sigh of content.

You squeeze your love as hard as you can, remarking on how soft she is.

You wonder how many Celestias there are in this world now. You’re more than happy with there being multiple, as there sometimes have been in your dreams. This doesn’t appear to be a dream, but there do appear to be two Celestias at least.

Praise the lord!

There is a Celestia in front of the fireplace and another one quietly acting as your cuddling partner. You only hope there are a dozen or so more for you to meet and snuggle with.

And you could have your own harem of Celestias. What would be better than that?

The greatest idea you’ve ever had in your entire life has just flown into your mind. Seriously, this is the best idea ever, and you’re glad your doped up mind was able to conjure it at this moment.

You will invite the Celestia in front of the fireplace to join the Celestia already in bed with you for a threesome!

Best. Idea. Ever!

“Baby!” you slur as loud as possible, trying to get your love’s attention. “Come to me!”

“Anything the matter, love?” you hear her ask from a million miles away.

“Only everything!”

“He is very dramatic,” the voice of Luna observes.

“He’s always like this,” Celestia comments with a yawn. “The drugs haven’t helped any. I was hoping they’d make him quieter, but nope. Let me see what he wants.”

With a grunt and stretch, Celestia and her sister rise from their floor cushions and approach your side of the bed, Celestia looking very tired and Luna looking amused as she gazes upon you.

“Time for your nap,” you say to Celestia. “Hop on in. Come on.”

“No naps for me. I still have some work to get through,” she deflects, making you disgruntled. “Why don’t you just keep cuddling the pillow - I mean, me, and close your eyes for a bit.”

Pillow? What is she talking about? Your grip around the Celestia in your bed loosens as you look down upon whatever you’ve truly been snuggling this entire time.

“This isn’t you,” you observe, discovering that the Celestia you were cuddling with isn’t Celestia at all, but rather a large pillow that smells like her. “This is a pillow. I’ve been bamboo… bambooz-zled.”

“What an entertaining spectacle,” Luna giggles. “If only we had a video camera.”

“By the Gods, do not bring a camera anywhere near this man.”

“Twas merely a joke, sister.”

You turn a bit to look up at the horses standing above you and come face to face with the most beautiful women you’ve ever laid eyes on. Both have similar qualities that make them gorgeous, but they appear so different from one another.

An amazing trait of these princesses is that despite the room being almost completely dark, their eyes and hair seem to glow. Perhaps it’s just the drugs, but it’s probably some weird magic shit you don’t understand.

Either way you go, they look amazing. You could stare at them all day if they’d let you. Luna’s mane especially, shines and sparkles in the darkness.

“Hey there, Luna,” you yawn, trying to reach a hand up to touch her face. Your hand doesn’t quite make the journey, but Luna moves her head down a bit to nuzzle her cheek against the appendage. “How ya doing? Been a while.”

“It has been a long time,” the princess agrees, saying your name. “We have spoken in your dreams, sir, though We take it you cannot recall.”

She’s saying a lot of words right now and they’re definitely not registering. Luna’s always been kinda hard to understand anyway, so right now it’s just not possible. As such, you assume she said nothing of any importance and turn towards your girlfriend.

“Hey hon,” you say, looking over at the giant white mare. “Bedtime?”

“It is for you, dear,” your love coos. She’s always had a pleasant voice. “Close your eyes for a bit before supper.”

“No.”

“He never was much for obeying, sister,” Luna says, making Celestia frown. “We did not mean to upset you.”

“Of course not,” Celestia sighs. “It’s hardly your words that trouble me, sister… I look to the future… And I am afraid of what it will bring.”

“Surely there is nothing to fear. The Destrieriens are retreating faster than we can advance. The war has given Equestria a great sense of national unity. Equestria is bound to make a fortune after the war is over. Your man has returned and is safely here. What it is you fear is unclear to Us. Life has never seemed so good.”

“In those aspects of life everything is going just fine, as you say… The future, too, looks up for many… But what about his future?”

“We do not see an immediate problem with the man’s future. He loves you very much, as we plainly see, and will spend the foreseeable future with you. Unless you speak of ending your courtship?”

“What? No, no! Of course not, that’s not what I mean.”

“Then what do you mean, Celestia?”

Celestia breathes a heavy sigh, and even though you are a couple feet below her, you feel her breath wash over you. “It’s… There are things in life we wish we could protect our loved ones from. Do you agree?”

“Naturally, sister.”

“I wish I could protect you, sister, as I have protected my subjects… But you’ve never allowed me such a privilege.”

“We do not need the protection from life, sister. It is harsh, but We manage.”

“I know. You are a natural fighter. A warrior… And so is he.”

“Admirable qualities, no doubt.”

“Admirable, perhaps, but unwanted.”

“Sister?”

“You know what it’s like to fight, Luna. We have seen and done… terrible things. Those events we have seen once are replayed thousands upon thousands of times over in our minds… In our dreams…”

“This is what you fear?”

“Bad dreams are not to be taken lightly, sister, I shouldn’t have to tell you that. What one sees when they sleep is what occupies their subconscious.”

“You fear he will have bad dreams?”

“I fear he will be greatly troubled by what he’s done… I fear, when the medicine wears off, he will not be the same man he was.”

“Sister,” Luna coos comfortingly. “You have spoken to him. He still loves you. It seems he will for a long time. With you by his side, We are certain everything will be fine.”

“The medication is all that makes him sleep… I’m afraid he will get very little of it once his prescriptions are up… I’m afraid he will sleep as poorly as I…”

“You worry of the demons?” Luna asks, already knowing the answer.

Celestia doesn’t respond, and simply nods her head.

“Do not look so solemn, dear sister. Your man is strong.”

“Strength does not prevent one from a haunted subconscious.”

“Of course not. But strength will help him through tough times, as they are to come. And you will be by his side, no doubt.”

“I will try to be. I fear this war will keep me from him still, even though he is home.”

“Do not feel you must travel, sister. It has been so long since you’ve had the company of a stallion. With a more than capable military, this war will progress fine without your micromanaging. We will gladly lead in your stead.”

“I do not wish to burden you, sister-”

“Tis not a burden. We greatly look forward to executing King Belmont and Queen Preakness in their own palace. Perhaps We shall photograph it.”

Celestia finally allows herself to chuckle. “You do love photography.”

“The most fascinating invention We did not witness,” Luna smiles, nuzzling under her sister’s chin.

“Cuddle me!” you demand, getting the sisters’ attention and ruining their moment.

“How about this,” Luna suggests, “We start work a bit early today. Forget your meetings tonight, We shall go in your stead.”

“I wouldn’t dream of doing that to you,” Celestia says.

“Which is why We are offering. It will be no burden, We are rather excited. If anything important happens, We will let you know immediately. Most of these meetings are small talk and ideas that go nowhere anyway, so please spend the night with your man. He looks like he needs it.”

Luna sure does talk a lot. She’s incredibly talkative. How have you never realized this before?

“Are you quite certain?” Celestia asks, ears folded back.

“More than 100%, if it were possible. Please, you are going through a lot right now and it must be hard. What good is family if not to look out for one another?”

“I really appreciate your generosity, sister,” Celestia whispers, nuzzling her sister’s cheek.

“Think nothing of it,” Luna smiles. “Please take it easy for a while. You are no good to anypony if you’re too stressed to work.”

“Thank you, Luna. Thank you."

“Thou art welcome.”

Celestia kisses her sister, being very appreciative of having a night alone with you.

“Things have been very difficult as of late,” Celestia admits.

“Truly. Speak no more. We shall leave you two alone for now. Take it easy with your man tonight. You have earned nothing if not that.”

Celestia kisses Luna again.

You silently remark in your head how that’s pretty hot. You bet if the internet back in your old world knew about Celestia and Luna there’d be a lot of drawings of them making out. That would be awesome.

Luna bids you a goodnight with an affectionate nuzzle, but you’re finding it difficult to understand the dark horse, so you don’t respond and she departs.

“She’s nice,” you remark, looking at your love and feeling happy.

“Very nice,” Celestia agrees, bending down and kissing your forehead. “Why don’t you take a little nap before supper, hmm? That’d make me very happy.”

“I want you to be happy.”

“Then why don’t you take a little rest for me, yes?”

“Okay. Hop on in!” You extend your sore arm out, pulling the covers off of you to offer your girlfriend some space.

“I can’t right now.”

“Oh… Then I can’t sleep right now.”

“Please, honey, I have-”

“Nope! I’m not tired.”

Celestia sighs, frustrated. Every time she has something to do, there you are to be a bad influence.

“I have some reports to read,” Celestia says.

“Read them in here,” you demand, motioning for her to get in bed. Normally you’d be more careful with issuing commands to your powerful girlfriend, but your drugged mind doesn’t seem to give a shit.

“Okay, but if you don’t fall asleep I’m throwing you off the balcony.”

“Yes!” you exclaim in victory, not hearing anything after she said “okay.”

Princess Celestia walks around the bed, picking up her work with her magic and gets into the bed from her side.

“No, you have to get under the covers!” you whine.

“But it’s too hot, dear.”

“Covers!” you demand.

She rolls her eyes before reentering the bed, this time getting under the covers, as is proper. It’s not proper cuddling etiquette for one to be under the covers and the other to be on top. What kind of sense would that make?

You make the great distance across the insanely large mattress to your love, grabbing ahold of her chest and scooching up to her side.

She glances down at you, making sure you’re nice and settled and no longer making any noise before her horn lights up and she turns her attention to the papers in front of her.

You hate how every time she gets in bed she’s doing work. Rarely does she ever get in bed with the intent of sleeping or being with you.

Of course, you were the one who made her get into bed, but still. Even when you don’t make her, she’s still usually working. If she’s this busy nowadays you’d hate to imagine how busy she was a few years ago when she was ruling by herself and had Twilight Sparkle to mentor. You never would’ve gotten a date then.

Timing is everything.

Your love’s wings rustle slightly, and you feel her soft feathers brush against your chest. You like the feeling, but if she’s ruffling her wings, then she must’ve forgotten you’re here.

To remind her, you grab her chest and pull yourself as close as physically possible to her, diminishing any measurable distance whatsoever before scratching her chest and kissing the side of her neck.

“Go to sleep, baby,” she instructs, not even looking at you.

Grumbling, you oblige, closing your eyes for a bit. She doesn’t appreciate you now, but she will by the end of the night. You will make sure of it.

===========

Dinner was fun. Celestia had to feed you so that was neat in its own way. The food was good and everything, but you’re starting to get more uncomfortable.

Your wounds slowly start to ache and it becomes more difficult to move. It becomes more difficult even to just sit in place.

The aching and throbbing is starting to put you in a bit of a mood, as you don’t like it. You were hoping it would’ve stopped by now, but nope. That would be too convenient.

Celestia has moved you onto the floor cushion that she is also sitting on, if only for the sake of working while having you around so you won’t complain about her being so far away. She’s clever like that.

She’s lying on her belly facing the fireplace, and you're lying next to her with your head closer to the fireplace. She has her wing loosely draped over you while she does some work, silently enjoying your company.

You look up at her face, gazing into her immaculate purple eyes as they gaze over her documents. It’s so cute when she reads. You like it a lot. A big, pretty pony with wings reading. It's adorable.

But even being this close to her isn’t making you any happier. You’re upset with her. She’s been spending a lot of time lately with not you, and that makes you upset.

You’re her boyfriend, and deserve more attention. Whenever you’re with her you give her all of your attention, so why can’t she reciprocate?

It makes no sense.

“I’m mad,” you announce for the sake of Celestia knowing.

“Oh, why?” she asks, surprised. “I’m lying with you this time, see? I’m not a pillow. It’s the real me.”

“That’s not why I’m mad,” you huff.

“Then what’s bothering you?”

“You don’t love me as much as I love you.”

Celestia gasps, her ears perking up and eyes shrinking, putting her papers down and turning her full attention towards you. She knows you’re drugged up so no one knows how you’re actually feeling, but it bothers her immensely that you’d say what you have in any physical and mental state.

“Why on Earth do you think that?” your love asks, and you feel kind of bad to make her look so shocked. But you have to tell her what’s bothering you. Communication is key to any relationship.

“Because I’ve been locked away in this tall tower like Princess Fiona.”

“You aren’t locked here.”

“I’m not allowed to leave.”

“That’s for your health.”

“No, it’s because you’re ashamed of me.”

“Wh-What?” she asks, now sounding very worried. “No I’m not! Oh, honey, why do you feel that way? Of course I’m not ashamed of you!”

“Yes you are,” you whimper. “That’s why I’m here. And I’m sad.”

“Oh, baby, I’m not ashamed of you at all.”

“Why don’t you show it to everypony? Nopony knows I’m your boyfriend, I don’t get it. All my friends know you’re my girlfriend.”

“Everypony knows we’re dating, honey.”

“Some of the guards don’t even know we’re dating. The Destrieriens don’t even know we’re dating. Most ponies just think it’s a really popular rumor.”

“Oh, sweetie.”

“I know it’s a stupid thing to complain about,” you admit. “But it just feels you don’t want anyone to know we’re dating. I don’t know… It’s embarrassing.”

Celestia takes a deep breath, thinking you actually made a very good point. She hates to have given the impression at any point in your relationship that she was ashamed of you in any regard. She would never have considered dating a man she didn’t respect.

“Sweetheart,” Celestia coos, bending down to kiss your cheek.

You tiredly wrap and arm around her head and pull her in for a few sweet kisses on her lips.

“I don’t want to upset you, hon,” you say. “I just want to tell you what I’m thinking.”

“And I appreciate that, I do. I don’t want you to feel like I’m embarrassed to be with you! I’ve never felt embarrassed around you, ever! I love you! I’ve never made an announcement about our relationship because I didn’t think you’d want me to. You’ve never cared about what everypony else thinks.”

“Y-You’re right, I don’t…”

Celestia gives you a sad smile, looking affectionately down at you. She thinks you’re just having a bit of a moment, as if you were sober she sincerely doubts you’d be saying what you are. Nevertheless, she thinks you did raise some valid points and she wishes to rectify them.

You don’t even know why you brought this topic up in the first place. You’re just crabby from having just woken up from a nap and getting incredibly sore as the medication is wearing off. The wounds don’t necessarily hurt, but they are throbbing, and all of it is making you incredibly uncomfortable.

That stupid article never would’ve been written if everypony knew how much Celestia loves you. You thought you were over that but you’re just not. That damn article never should’ve been written. The fact someone wrote that is disrespectful to you and your relationship.

Some attractive guy starts talking to your girlfriend and everyone just assumes they’re going out? Like, what the fuck ever happened to you? Does anypony know you exist? Does anypony want you to exist?

It was a long time ago, but you were outright denied entrance into the caste, your home, because one of the guards didn’t even know you existed. You couldn’t enter you own fucking house until someone else came by and told them who you were. That’s embarrassing!

You’re in a relationship with the most powerful woman in the country, who everyone knows, and no one even realizes you exist until you pop up. It’s frustrating. It’s a frustrating thought.

Normally, you’d be able to deal with it just fine, but you’re so tired and in pain that you can’t let it go.

“How can I make you happy, baby?” your marefriend coos. “I want you to be happy. Here, how about this?”

Celestia levitates over a large piece of parchment. You know it’s parchment because every time you call it ‘paper’ she haughtily corrects you.

She scribbles for a several moments on the parchment before clearing her throat and turning to you, showing you what she’s written. At the very top of the page in a fancy font are the words “Royal Decree.”

“This is a Royal Decree,” she announces to you, holding her head high. “Let it be known that I, Princess Celestia, raiser of the sun, bringer of the day, is hereby in love and has engaged in a romantic relationship,” she smiles, saying that it is you she has entered this relationship with, making you smile. “This wonderful man is to by my coltfriend, for everypony to know, recognize, look at, and be jealous of.”

That makes you smile. You don’t want anypony to be jealous of you necessarily, but you want them to know you and that you’re a high priority in Celestia’s life. You want everypony that doesn’t like you to know you’re going out with Princess Celestia, and if they don’t like it then they can fuck off.

But first, you want them to know you’re actually dating. Because you’re actually dating.

“Furthermore,” Celestia continues, “my coltfriend is to be my source of love and friendship, the likes of which I have never seen. His duties, numerous as they are, include bringing love directly into my life, in my darkest hours and moments, and providing me snuggles for all time!”

That makes you very happy, and you smile up at your marefriend, declaring her love and affection for you. You’re glad that your relationship is finally being mapped out too. Ever since this relationship started you’ve just kind of been rolling with it without bothering to let anyone outside of Celestia’s family and closest friends know.

It’s good this is all a Royal Decree. That means it’s official. You’ve officially been Celestia’s boyfriend for a while now but there are still a lot ponies who don’t appear to know.

Or they just don’t care.

“Yes, ma’am!” you exclaim, doing your duties as a good boyfriend and grabbing onto your marefriend, cuddling her as hard as you can, eliciting a giggle from the large, fuzzy pony.

“And!” Celestia continues, giggling while trying to finish her Royal Decree. “And, for as long as he shall be mine, my human will be happy. If he is anything but happy, then it is my personal responsibility to rectify that.”

“And!” you butt in, excited at how Celestia is declaring her love for you. “If you, my love, are anything less than madly in love, I will make it my top priority to make you the happiest you’ve ever been.”

Your shoulder throbs several times, but it’s not enough to ruin this moment.

“Aren’t you the sweetest?” your love coos, rubbing her nose against yours.

“No, you’re the sweetest,” you chuckle. “Did you really make all that a Royal Decree? Just for me?”

“Uh, yeah! It’s definitely a real Royal Decree, sweetums. Completely real. Yep.”

"I love you, Boris," you say, rubbing your nose into her side, making your love laugh.

That makes you happy. Celestia’s wing tightens overtop of you, pulling you deep into her side, which is your favorite place to be. She’s so warm and soft, and her wing is so large and fluffy.

It’s a good thing these kinds of ponies don’t exist in your old world, lest people kill them for their fur. You’d understand why they’d do it. You’d do it.

But you won’t tell Celestia that. That’s distasteful.

You wrap your arms as best as you can around your Princess, but they don’t make it all the way around. As usual.

You wish you could wrap her up all the way. That’d make her feel real good, you think. You love it when Celestia wraps you up. Her wings are big enough to wrap you up several times if she wanted, and she legs too.

You just have arms, and they ache and are useless. It makes you sad.

But in that instance, Celestia kisses the top of your head, and all your bad feelings flush away for a bit.

You know she loves you… You know she loves you a lot… You know she loves you more than anyone else… Even if you have to keep reminding yourself that…

You are always happy with your woman. How could you not be?

She’s perfect to you. She’s beautiful in every sense of the word. The fact that she has put up with you as long as you have lets you know that she loves you.

You know she can do a lot better than you, and that makes you afraid. You don’t think she will leave you, of course, but those thoughts still manage to creep their way into your mind.

But while you’re with her, you will make the most of it. You will give her everything. You will make her happiness your top priority. You will be happy for as long as you’re with her.

Tough times lie ahead. Life is hard now, but everything will become much harder.

This Magic Moment

by ScatMan2001

Chapter 1: Your New Old Life

Chapter 2: Late Night

Chapter 3: Just Another Morning

Chapter 4: First Impressions

Chapter 5: Sick Day

Chapter 6: Hearth's Warming Day

Chapter 7: Always Be Worse

Chapter 8: Surroundings

Chapter 9: Fight

Chapter 10: Coming Back

Chapter 11: Just Fine

Chapter 12: A Long Talk

Chapter 13: Coming Home

Chapter 14: Daily Routine