For over a thousand years Equestria has seen peace under the guidance of the Royal Sisters. Under their benevolent rule crime is seemingly nonexistent with only the longest era of peace and order that has been seen for such a long time. Even with Luna's exile and eventual return no other nation dared to set foot in Equestria. However, nothing is free, much less peace. In that case, who really pays the price of peace?
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MUST HAVE MORE!!!!
Princess Celestia.He looked
Spaces, darling.
" QUIET." Celestia snarled at the aristocrats who promptly shut their mouths and looked fearfully at the Sun goddess. It was rare that she would raise her voice at anypony.
" Summon my sister to my chambers. Take this pony too." She waved her hooves at the patheic sight , and began walking out of the room thinking to herself, " More work to do so late....and I have a message to send..."
Several things wrong with this passage. There ought to be a comma after QUIET, since you always put commas after quoted words when you're typing things like: "Do this," he pontificated, "and that."
That second dialogue bit should be backspaced together with the first dialogue bit, since it doesn't make any sense to separate them, and a comma should be put after 'anypony.'
You also put a space after sight, just remove that.
The last line of dialogue in that passage was just messy. I can it working, but it just makes the passage look ugly. Get rid of the triple dots. If I think I know what you're trying to say, you could use this: "And here I thought I was going to catch up on my sleep."
Or something along those lines.
One of the younger recruits asked a senior who it was which was simply answered with
First, passive voice is bad. The person was not 'answered with,' the other person 'replied.' Second, there should be a comma or semicolon after with (or if you fix the passive voice, a comma after 'replied').
" The Consort."
Just fix that space before 'Consort.'
'how nice it was'. .
Unless you're British, all punctuation goes inside quotation marks. You should also delete that extra period.
or just Red was soaking in the beautiful rays of Celestias's sun.
Comma after 'Red.'
However, at the very least Red had a stable income and lived in a very nice stable.
Punny as this sentence may be, it's messy to read. If you still want to keep the pun, I recommend changing it to: "At the very least, Red had a stable income."
Author: Find out what Celestia needed to talk about and the importance of the nearly dead pony next time!!![
I thought I was reading a little note you made to your self for a moment, and then I realized people were actually supposed to read that. It makes you sound like a 12 year-old girl. Delete it.
Those are just all the mistakes and sloppy sentences I found. Clean them up at your leisure.
As for the story, there wasn't much of one to review. You said this was a prologue, though, so people have to judge it on it's ability to set the scene, and draw the reader in.
The first passage did well in both regards. It didn't give me a "OMG MORE PL0X!" feeling, but it was okay.
The second passage was also okay, but I felt like you could have upped the danger a tad.
The third passage seemed senseless. Unless you plan on making Red a major character, I recommend dropping it.
The fourth passage was short and to the point, which is fine, but it didn't exactly get me excited about anything.
That's my review. Ignore it, or don't; those are just the mistakes I saw in the story.
100797
haha thanks.....I was doing this at 3AM because I had nothing else to do. Than I slept. It was good. I'll go fix those!