One Of The Same

by Emily_Is_Bunnii

What An Ending...

What An Ending...

By: Emily_Is_Bunnii

They were passing by the school playground, which was still open. The pegasus that hurt Emmaline was there. “Oh no…” Emmaline said, realizing that he spotted her. “What’s wrong?” Zee said. “It’s that guy. He saw me.” Emmaline looked back to see if her flank was exposed out of habit, and it wasn’t. She had an idea. Not too unique, but it’ll still shock that bully. Emmaline and Zee continued walking, but soon heard the beckoning call of the predator. “Hey Blank Flank! Who’s that? Your boyfriend?” Emmaline swished herself around proudly and said “Absolutely! Aren’t we cute?” She giggled as she hopped onto Zee’s back, surprising both of them. Zee was smiling and laughing along. “Wow, what could a guy as cool looking as you be wanting from a blank flank? She’s ugly, annoying, and nothing special.” Emmaline was going to say something, but those words went through Zee harder than intended. He let Emmaline off of him, and with a straight face he looked back up at the rude pegasus, puffing his chest out. “Now excuse me, you little mongrel. My Emmaline is beautiful, stunning, and she is absolutely amazing company. Now, I know that she hasn’t been herself around pony folk like you- But I’ve seen how she really is. What you see is just a mask, a day to day act. You’ve never given her the due she needs for you to fully see how precious she is, as a friend, and as my perfect other. It’s been a year today that I asked her to be mine, and I will never regret that. And if you think that you can go around and say such things about her right to my face? Do you think I’m like you- Uncaring and heartless that I wouldn’t care when someone straight up insults my close ones? I was the first- the very first- to know what you did to her. You hurt her, you hurt her badly. What’s that for, eh? What was it? Is it jealousy because she can do more than you ever could, withstand more than you ever have? And now, look what my presence has done. Emma, show him.” Emmaline nodded, and they both turned their flank towards him and showed the stunned pegasus the fresh cutie mark. “But… No, what? That can’t be there. It’s fake, there isn’t a way that two ponies can have the same cutie mark!” Emmaline laughed and said “Well you’re looking straight at them!” A puzzled realization bolted through the bully’s mind. He stood thinking for a moment, then looked up at Emmaline and said “Wow. I mean, really… Wow… I-I don’t know what to say. Well, I guess I should apologize firstly. I guess you really would get your cutie mark. Second, it’s… so different! Can I ask how you guys thought up of a reason on… how?”

Zee smiled, feeling accomplished knowing that his speech worked. “Yes, actually. We figured that… Well…” Zee trailed off, not knowing what to say next. He knew the reason, but couldn’t put it in words. Emmaline noticed this and said “Let me take it from here.” Looking back at the other pony, she started to explain. “Ever since I moved here, I’ve been having a bad time, nopony to talk to, nopony to listen to me. I was miserable. But one day, I met Zee, this handsome pony beside me. We became best friends. We did everything that friends should do. It was like we were exactly the same. One thing led to another, and we found that we were perfect for each other. So we went on that. Our relationship grew and grew. To get to the point, we were made for each other. Without him, I would’ve… I would’ve done some stupid things. Without me, he would live a lonely life, a fun one, but lonely. The only thing that really makes us so special is each other, pretty much.”
The pegasus that stood before Emmaline was star struck.
“I have no reply to that. I mean it’s deep, it’s… unusual for a pony to find that kind of love so young already, but you guys have it down. Congrats, you guys. And again, I’m sorry.” Emmaline and Zee smiled and both said “It’s okay.”

They departed. Zee and Emmaline turned to continue their trek to Emmaline’s home. Once they got there, they realized the shock that Sunny Side was going to have when she would find out. They both got excited and bolted up the drive, anxious to see her reaction. The pair busted through the front door and both exclaimed “We’re home!” Sunny Side poked her head through the kitchen doorway. “You two sound excited, what’s the event?” Emmaline started to bounce up and down, looking to Zee to see if he knew what they were going to say. They both exchanged smiles, and looked at Sunny Side and said “We got our cutie mark!!” Sunny Side immediately started jumping along. “Oh my, oh my! You did? Let me see!” Zee and Emmaline turned, and showed it off. Sunny Side looked back and forth, from Zee to Emmaline, Zee, Emmaline. “Wait.” She said. “Wait. Wait… What? My old age must be messing with me…” Zee laughed and reassured her that they were real, and the same. “Oh my… How did… I mean, really, how?” She asked. Emmaline nor Zee wanted to repeat the earlier speech. So they just settled on a simple sentence. “We’re one of the same.”

Comments

[spymanx]

For gods sake

this is a mistake most authors make, I learned this the hard way (TRE hard way) but prepare yourself for this

No one gives a flying buck about your OC, that's it, I don't want to be rude but it's the truth.

And come on?!? you really say it's a self insert, no one wants to read about a self-insert, they usually revolve around OC (you) and we want plat, ADVENTURE story, not your OC's life.

And it's A BLOODY WALL OF TEXT! Space it out! Find an editor for gods sake, but I am sad to say the story looks unreadable, and near the end the word count drops drasticly, you could have merged the last three chapters together to end it.

So I give it a 0/10 I'm sorry, not saying I was any better, I sugest taking a look at Wanderer D's How too's for tips, best of luck

A fellow writer
~Spymanx

[Emily_Is_Bunnii]

1530763 I saw that people were giving it those downward thumbs, but I guess thanks for the input, I was waiting for that. You didn't have to blow up about it. I doubt this would've made a difference, but this is my first story that I have EVER published ANYWHERE. It's my first fanfic, I don't know what exactly I expected and I don't know what others expected either.
It's a story, one that I put a hell of a lot of effort into, and if people aren't going to like it then fine. I made my OC with what I had, I tried to make it entertaining, and I did try to space it out. The word edit thing used goofed several times, by witness of several of my friends who I got a bit of feedback from. I tried to fix it, I don't know what's so wrong with it though.
And there IS a way you can *not* be rude about it, I saw what you were trying to do but still. I put this up in haste, seeing that I finally finished the story. Is there a link I could have for the how to thing? If it'll help, then great.

[spymanx]

1570033

Ok, here we go

http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/38998

Read this, it will give you all you need to know, and I understand how hard the first is, but people don't like that excuse, to them it sounds like your trying to use inexperience as an excuse.

and just to make sure

http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/64859 <----- READ THIS FIRST

this will tell you all you need to know about how to make your OC better

Hope it helps

~spymanx