The War

The dragons declared war on Equestria and the ponies are getting beaten badly. Spike is out for revenge after the war strikes a little to close to home.

Chapters (6)

Chapter 1 · 14th Mar 2024 · 1,373 words
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Chapter 2 · 14th Mar 2024 · 988 words
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Chapter 3 · 15th Mar 2024 · 1,159 words
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Chapter 4 · 22nd Mar 2024 · 1,737 words
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Chapter 5 · 22nd Mar 2024 · 1,203 words
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Chapter 6 · 30th Mar 2024 · 1,140 words
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Hyper Star

Hyper Star #1 · March 14th · 2 · · Chapter 1 ·

Blacktalon was still trying (and failing) to fathom how this one creature could still be standing, let alone fighting. It should have been killed by the tens of thousands of dragons that had stood before it. Pierced by the hundreds of arrows that had been fired at it. Sliced by the many swords that were sliced at it. Stabbed by the countless spears that were jabbed at it. Instead it had not been touched by anyone, Not even breathing hard. Just slowly advancing with its sword in hand and with a spear strapped to its back. It wore armor made of the finest metals and decorated with the bones and scales of other dragons. Its muscles were like finely toned steel, like they were chiseled out of solid rock. Upon its head it wore the gaping maw of a larger dragon.

We’re gonna need a serious explanation, you can’t just turn "Spikey-wikey" into "Edgelord Kaiju" with no reason.

The creature suddenly turned around and parried the blade into another dragon, slicing its head clean off. It followed up by grabbing the dragon's arm and flipping him over its sholdier...

I assume you meant "shoulder."

Suddenly he heard a shout behind him. He turned around and saw a big red earth pony stallion with a light orange mane slit a dragon's throat using a hoof-mounted blade. Behind him was a white unicorn stallion with a blue mane levitating a sword and shield in its magic, and a yellow pegasus mare with a fiery orange mane and a mounted bow and arrow on her back. Each of the ponies also wore armor made from the finest metals that was decorated with dragonscale and all of the weapons were dragonbone.

I think these are Big Mac, Shining Armor and Spitfire, why they had to remain ambiguous confuses me.

Blacktalon heard another sound behind him and saw the creature from before, which he refused to recognise as a intelligent life form, impale the soldier from before with its sword.

Spike keeps being referred to as "the creature," therefore there is no need to mention that Blacktalon refuses to acknowledge him.

Blacktalon quickly jumped to his feet and drew his sword. " The lamb finally arrives for it's slaughter. " He mockingly said. The creature made no reply, it simply remained silent and retrieved it's spear from the ground then returned it to the sheath on its back. " Oh, I see how it is " Said Blacktalon, " I get the silent treatment. "

You have a habit of spacing the sentence and the quotation mark, "said" should not be capital and the sentence prior to it needs to end with a comma.

Blacktalon seems way too "okay" after having his literal wings sliced off his back.

They studied each other's faces until the creature spoke in a low gravelly voice. " It is time that you pay for your crimes against the creatures of this world. Name your compatriots and face a quick death or remain silent and allow me to torture the names out of you. "

Does not sound like Spike at all.

Blacktalon did not reply. He simply lifted up his chest piece, revealing a multitude of dragon runes. The most important one was " Zephrath " meaning " Destroy. "

We don’t need to know the meaning.

The creature, being the only one that understood dragon runes, immediately unfurled it's massive wings and used it's body to cover the group of ponies. Blacktalon's body suddenly started shaking violently until it exploded!

Do not use exclamation marks in the narration, also, WHAT?!

" That was close " Said the white unicorn stallion.

This entire exchange, we know their names! Introductions are not needed.

After another uncomfortable silence Spitfire said " "Prove it, " Seriously Shining Armor. You just had to say it? "

Seriously should not be capitalised. Quotation marks inside of other quotations shoud be single quotes, i.e.: "'Prove it', seriously Shining Armor."

" Ok are just not going to point out that Spike seriously said " It is time that you pay for your crimes against the creatures of this world. Name your compatriots and face a quick death or remain silent and allow me to torture the names out of you. " Said Shining Armor in a silly voice trying to imitate Spike. " It sounded much to serious " Shining Armor continued, this time back in his regular voice.

Shining Armor quoting Spike’s whole dialogue is just filler. Much "too" serious, not "to." Shining seems like a little child here.

While they were doing this Spike knelt down and did a breathing exercise to control his growing anger. " We just lost our only lead and you two are just squabbling like children! " Bellowed Spike.

Yeah! Spike is supposed to be the child! If he’s so mature, Shining Armor should be even more so!

Everybody looked at him because they knew how personal it was for him and immediately felt guilty. " And besides, I guess you just forgot about the rest of the dragons " He finished after a short pause.

Something happened to Twilight... right?

No offense, but this is...

The grammar is okay, but the story, oof, Spike is shown to be unrealistically overpowered, your username further proves the bias.

I’ll give this a "PRETTY BAD," but being your first fic, it’s quite good.

Glennmanangan5

Glennmanangan5 #2 · March 14th · · · Chapter 2 ·

quick question I'm who love spike

Comment posted by SpikeisBest deleted March 14th

SpikeisBest

SpikeisBest #4 · March 14th · · · Chapter 2 ·

11850031
I appreciate all of your advice and fixed the mistakes (I think), but just a few things. One, I will explain Spike's transition, but it will take place in a later chapter. Two, I will explain what happened to the Mane 6, but it also will have to wait for a later chapter. Three, you will just have to get used to the spacing because it is just how I write. Four, I redid some of the first chapter, so you should reread it. Five, finally I want to thank you all so much for all of the help and advice I have gotten.

Hyper Star

Hyper Star #5 · March 15th · · · Chapter 3 ·

When Spike made it past the gate he went straight to his private quarters. Most ponies has to share a barracks, but since he was an officer he got a private room. Besides, nopony wanted to share a room with a dragon.

"Most ponies have to share a barracks."

The way Spike was described in the first chapter made him seem Godzilla size, I don’t think anypony can be in the same room with him.

That was when he noticed it. All of the pictures had connections to a creature named Greenhorn. There were two things about the name that stuck out. One, the creature, whatever it was, probably wasn't actually a greenhorn, for it had to be really skilled at its job to be in contact with all of his other targets.

A name does not reveal much about a person.

Two, he had seen reports of pony squads being butchered by a dragon that was named Greenhorn.

Isn’t he dead? A bit late to investigate him.

He remembered the name because the dragon actually had green horns which was rare for a dragon. Spike had green spikes but not horns. He knew that he would eventually have to hunt the dragon down, but he also knew that it would be best to wait for more information.

Echoing my previous statement about names, I’m pretty sure Spike has no spikes, those things on his head are probably spines.

The X's on the photos, after Spike crossed out Blacktalon, make it seem like these guys are all dead, it was mentioned that all the photos besides Blacktalon's were crossed out, so how come Greenhorn hasn’t been killed/investigated already?

Spike was contemplating trying to get some sleep because he was exhausted, but he didn't like sleeping because he always had dreams of her . Then Spike decided to go the mess hall, but he realized it was raining, so he opted to close the windows and simply wait for the rain to go away. He didn't mind the rain that much, but he disliked seeing what it left behind, because it also reminded him of her .

... Rainbow Dash? That’s random, but rain matches up with that.

He remembered that fight like it was yesterday. He was using a halberd and his opponent was using the previously mentioned mace and shield. Spike vividly remembered the moment that he sliced his halberd then his opponent, a dragon with a very rare black-and-yellow scale pattern,

If it has no importance, don’t tell us the pattern was rare.

" Well it took you long enough " he said. " Where is your sword? " Shining Armor said. " It broke. " replied Spike. After this he saw Spitfire give Shining Armor a few bits.

Change paragraphs when a different character talls, and some stuff is redundant, have it be like this:

"Well, it took you long enough," Spike said.

"Where's your sword?" Shining Armor asked.

"It broke."

Spitfire gave Shining Armor some bits.

After returning to his quarters Spike laid down and had a dream about the day war was declared on Equestria and the last day that he saw her .

No, Twilight, definitely.

...

Or Rarity.

I decided to keep reading this, it has been moved from the PRETTY BAD bookshelf until it ends or until I lose interest.
Why is Big Mac here? He seems so out of place, and the rest of the Main Six are also nowhere to be seen.

SpikeisBest

SpikeisBest #6 · March 15th · · · Chapter 3 ·

11850990
Thanks for the advice! As for a name not meaning much about a person, a greenhorn is somebody who is inexperienced; a novice. Greenhorn the dragon is very skilled at his job.

Hyper Star

Hyper Star #7 · March 16th · · · Chapter 3 ·

11851378
Yes, you are right, "greenhorn" the word means an inexperienced person, yet it would be wrong to assume a dragon named "greenhorn" is inexperienced, kind of like how you can’t just assume a guy named "Joey" likes kangaroos (for context, a joey is a baby kangaroo).

Hyper Star

Hyper Star #8 · March 31st · · · Chapter 4 ·

Spike woke up to the sound of an explosion going off downstairs. He hurriedly got up out of his basket and in a moment of panic left without fixing his sheets. He ran downstairs only to find a purple alicorn with a dark purple mane that had a magenta streak staring at a book on the floor.

We know what Twilight looks like, don’t describe her and don’t introduce her like a new character.

'Most likely trying to find what went wrong with the spell' thought Spike.

Hello, single quote thoughts, my nemesis. Do not do that, it gets confusing. It’s better to just use italics or just simply write "thought Spike" without any formatting.

"Well I guess I should get ready now." Spike said. Then he walked out of the room; he went back upstairs and fixed his basket. After which he went into the bathroom and grabbed his scale polish. Spike hurriedly took a shower and polished his scales, but he realized that his scale polish was running out. He added 'get more scale polish' to his mental checklist. As for drying off, Spike waited for the tub to drain of water then got back into it. Spike then blew a gentle flame over his body that evaporated all of the water. "I'm so glad we have a metal tub." he said aloud to himself. He only dried himself using his flame inside of the tub because he didn't want to burn down the library. He could have just used a towel, but he disliked using one because it always got stuck on his scales.

Wow, this is way too redundant, we don’t want a whole paragraph worth of a description of Spike taking an effing bath.

"Just make sure you're back by 6:00." Twilight said.

Sentences that end with a period are complete, said tags do not come after a complete sentence. If you’re so persistent on using "said" the sentence should be ' "All right," Twilight said, "just make sure you’re back by 6:00." ' (or "alright", it depends on your style).

"Don't worry Twilight; I'll be back by then." Spike shouted while running out of the door. He ambled throughout the town for a while, but then it hit him. 'It' was not a physical object. Rather, 'it' was an idea.

Redundant, "it hit him" is already a metaphorical term for getting an idea, you don’t need to tell us.

When he walked inside he saw a bright pink earth pony that had a mane that was also bright pink. "Hello Pinkie." Spike greeted.

WE KNOW WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE!

"Sure thing Spike! The wait will be a little longer than usual because we just ran out of blueberry muffins though." Pinkie said.

That "though" seems out of place. If you really want to use it then place it after the "usual" and replace the "because" with a semicolon (;).

"That's fine Pinkie." Spike replied. Pinkie then walked out of the room into the kitchen to make the muffins. After about a ten second wait (thanks to Pinkie's speed that seemed to defy physics) Pinkie came back into the room carrying two dozen blueberry muffins.

Two dozen is... twenty four whole muffins! I know Pinkie has weird abilities but that is way too much!

The pegasus had a rainbow colored mane and currently had a face that showed a mixture of mostly worry and a little bit of embarrassment.

Weeeee knoooowwww

Rainbow Dash loomed down and realized that she was still on top of Spike. After she moved off of him and helped him up she said "Can you walk? If not I can fly you back to the library."

Rainbow Dash is a pony, not a tank engine, crashing into her should not hurt too much.

"The only way you could be better is if you were to drop the ego," Rainbow said.

Well, Rainbow, yours is a lot larger.

When Spike finished reading the letter he looked at Rainbow Dash and said "You get Fluttershy and Applejack. I'll get Pinkie Pie and... Rarity."

What’s up with the ellipses? Did Spike forget Rarity’s name or something?

" On it" Rainbow said as she flew away.

There’s a space before "On" that’s not supposed to be there.

When he entered the building he was greeted by a white unicorn that had a magnificent purple mane who said "Spike darling what are you doing here? I didn't think that you would still come and visit me after what happened. Oh well, what can I do for you?

Drama senses are tingling, but sort of always happens with Ms. Rarity around, no ?

Spike finished his trek to the library and was greeted by Twilight, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash a yellow pegasus with a pink mane, named Fluttershy, an orange earth pony with a blonde mane wearing a Stetson hat, named Applejack, and most notably a white alicorn with a flowing multicolored mane wearing full princess regalia, named Celestia. "Rarity should be on her way." Spike told everybody.

FOR CELESTIA’S SAKE, WE KNOW WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE!

After a few minutes of waiting Spike, starting to become impatient, moved over to stand next to Rainbow Dash. "Were your muffins good?" he asked.

There is an emergency, Princess Celestia is standing here, and you ask her whether she liked her muffins?

"Spike, we don't know if that's why they did it. I was merely stating that it was a possibility." Celestial tried to comfort him.

It is a very dumb possibility! Spike, to them, is just a little runt, why would they?

Good, flashback chapter, I needed this. SpikeDash is... not a new, but uncommon ship. I don’t really like Spike ships but I’ll keep reading for now.

Hyper Star

Hyper Star #9 · March 31st · · · Chapter 5 ·

Spike ran over to the Wounded pony and was debating whether or not he should move Big Mac to the infirmary, but then out of the corner of his eye Spike saw a fireball coming.

"Wounded" is not a proper noun — actually, it’s not even a noun at all — therefore should not be capitalised.

He ran back outside to where Big Mac was lying on the ground and shouted "Medic!" Thankfully, somepony heard him and rushed over. "Take care of him. I will go aide in the defence." before he even got a reply, Spike ran to the training field to grab a weapon. He cursed himself for not grabbing a weapon to replace his broken sword.

"Aid" does not have an "e" at the end.

"Bwahaha. Sorry. I'm sorry. it's just funny that you think that. If you knew the amount of times somecreature has said that to me you would be laughing too. Also, I'm not sure who calls me "savior of the ponies," but I like that title. It has a nice ring to it." Spike said.

It’s better to write "Spike laughed" before his dialogue rather than adding "BwAHAha" in his dialogue.

Fire should not hurt the dragons; they swim in literal lava as a leisure activity.

"Well I can't deny that, but I can choose to give you a quick death," Spike paused "or I can give you a slow death" Spike finished while choking Redwing out.

Missing period after "or i can give you a slow death".

Why not just have Pinkie be a nurse as well? Or you could have her work cafeteria too, you know, an actual job.

Spike is waaay too overpowered, something better be defeating him before I get bored.

Hyper Star

Hyper Star #10 · March 31st · · · Chapter 6 ·

"I believe that I know who is behind this. One of the squad leaders had a tattoo that signified him as part of the Blighters," (if you're wondering why the name-drop took so long it's because I couldn't think of a worthy name.)

See that? Never do that, save it for the author’s note.

"Dude, I didn't know that you cared about what happened to the dragons after they died." Shining Armor whispered to Spike.

"Dude", what is he, a soldier or a hippie?

The whole "he slept and dreamt about {blah blah blah}" thing seems out of place and... childish, so maybe don’t mention it.

Sejen

Sejen #11 · 3 weeks ago · · · Chapter 6 ·

The next letter:
"Dear sir/madam,
We regret to inform you that Miss Rainbow Dash..."

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