Failure is acceptable, giving up is not. My YouTube : https://youtube.com/@MLPDymosX?si=6GI8YVUEL1plGADj
The young Pie sisters loved playing in the forest close to their home. They did so on a daily basis and had fun each and every time. However, there was a danger to the area. One that Pinkie Pie never took seriously. One day, Pinkie decides to ignore here sisters' warnings and disaster strikes.
Maud does all she can to help her sibling, but is it enough?
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Intriguing and rather unique format you've used here. The narrative really shows how life experiences can shape the way we are now.
11721055
Thanks for the comment! Yeah, I tried something new, hopefully my intentions came through.
This is very good, and pretty unique. This is trauma at its finest, someone dying because you are powerless to stop something. Of course the process of death was interrupted, but it’s effective nonetheless.
I like how you presented the 3-4 PoV idea, and the execution is well done, not really perfect but I wasn’t left disappointed at all.
I still think it wouldn’t hurt to add more details in, like explain to me how it felt to be trapped under a log, what the impact did to your leg, stuff like that. Maybe even add a bit of text before someone replies of their expressions, like did they make a scowl? Just make your story be a bit more imaginative overall, because while I’m enjoying the read, sometimes it’s hard to imagine some scenes playing out.
Otherwise, this is good, a 7/10 or a 8/10 if I had to rate it. It does a lot of right, and very few wrong, I would go as far as to say it does nothing wrong. It just has the potential to be a tiny bit better.
11721915
I tinkered with the idea of killing Pinkie. It didn't seem right.
The pov thing is definitely wonky as it's my first time trying. The whole should this be a thought or not bugged me.
Lol second time with the details, Fox? I understand the want for that, but with your first few points I did contemplate adding more... disturbing descriptions. I tend to try to keep in line when it comes to ratings and stuff. I really didn't want to push anything like that. I do agree, though, again, lol. I tend to over/under quite a bit.
"Hoof, you didn't describe here enough!"
"But there's a really cool scene coming up and I wanna write that!"
And I definitely agree, this could be much better, but I think it's a cute little short.
Thanks for reading and commenting!
11721948
I do love myself some ‘light’ gore, but this story wasn’t tagged with gore so I have no idea what I was expecting. I guess I just love to go all out when I do things, and I have no concept of a small story.
11722116
I really have to hold myself back for one shots. If I didn't every one would be like 30+ chapters, lol.
For me, there was a peak of suspense when the white text entered. I thought at first that it might have been a monster or maybe an angelic presence looking down as the action unfolded. It's a great "what's going on" moment because the rest of the story is structured so clearly, and the idea of a fourth "unseen" character offers a lot of narrative playground.
As it is written, though, I believe the purpose of giving the different points of view is to show the reader that Pinkie doesn't blame Maud for the scare they had down by the river, so that the latter's emotional guilt is a self-understood thing. Her response to that crisis, however, seems very natural to me. I would say that is a spot which needs "detail" to help make the connection between this experience and her adult character. For example, using the tense split you have going and having her reminisce about children's library books on geology while she struggles with the rocks that are anchoring her sister to the river bed.
This feels like it could be an episode in a larger work, and I think that one day you will write a great book where you tell the history of a family or a place through several biographies.
11722729
Thank you much for reading, as well as for the thorough analysis. If I ever do manage to write a book, you'll be one of the people I thank in it, lol.