I'm Only a Mare

by Hoofprintz

After the Devil beats his wife

"Pinkie, SLOW DOWN! You know we're not supposed to go down to the river if Limestone isn't with us. I know you want to go for a swim, but-"

She wasn't listening to me. Her mind was already made up and she was making a beeline for her favorite spot in the forest, regardless of my objections.

Why don't you ever listen, Pinkie!? I know we do it all the time, but we get in trouble every time, too. Father just forbade us from going down there and you're deliberately disobeying him.

"Can't we just play in the forest? Hide and seek sounds fun, doesn't it? We can just-"

"Maud you always want to play it safe! It's so hot today. Let's just take a quick dip in the river and then we can do all the hiding and seeking you want!"

She was way too slow to catch up to me. Marble was too. They always resisted at first, but once we were all nice and comfy in the water, they were glad we got in. I just had to push them a liiiittle harder.

I don't know why you're so scared all the time, Maud, but I'm gonna change that! Taking a quick swim is pretty much our tradition on hot days anyway. We'll get in, then get out. No fuss, no muss.

"It'll be fine! And fun! I promise!"

Why are you always like this, Pinkie? Don't you understand how dangerous it is? Aren't you afraid?

I couldn't catch her, not in a million years. And trying to convince her not to go never worked, but that didn't mean I wouldn't try every time.

"And if something goes wrong? What then?"

"Nothing's gonna go wrong, Sis, you worry too much. How many times have we done it? A hundred? I just don't want to be all hot and sticky and I know you don't want to be either. Don't you wanna cool off too? Don't you want to, Marble?"

"I've... got a bad feeling, Pinkie. I... I think... I think we should listen to Maud."

If Limestone were here Pinkie would never dream of doing something like this. Even if she was just joking, she'd listen to Lime. But right now...

Please, just listen to us, Pinkie.

"Aww, you guys are just being silly. Look, same old river as always. It'll be fun, just like it always is! TRUST ME!"

Leaping head first into the cool water was like jumping into a little piece of heaven.

"PINKIE WAIT!!!"

She didn't even wait for me and Marble to finish our protests. She'd jumped in without a care in the world.

"Come on in, gals! The water's perfect! It feels soooo good! You're not fraidy ponies, are you?"

The current is a little faster than usual though. That's kind of weird...

"You KNOW I am, Pinkie! You KNOW I hate the river!"

Walking up to the edge of the body of water had my heart pumping faster than when I'd been running. Looking into it was like looking into the possible cause of my own death. Dad had told us too many scary stories about ponies who'd drowned. I wanted nothing more than to run away from it and hide.

Why is it moving so... fast today?

Peering into the water, it was obvious there was something off about it. It was... wrong.

No. Something's wrong. Something is definitely wrong.

"Awwww, just cause you stayed under the water a liiiittle too long that one time, Maud?"

I knew she'd taken that incident poorly, but I didn't know it was THAT bad.

All's well that ends well... right?

"I NEARLY DROWNED, PINKAMENA!!!"

I had to struggle to calm myself, taking a deep breath both because of my sister's insensitive words and my proximity to the river.

"Now, you've had your fun. Let's go!"

"Don't be such a party pooper, Maud! Come oooon!

Just a little more and she'll get in.

Don't go, Sis... please?

If Maud gets in too...

Gosh darn it, Pinkie Pie! I swear I'm gonna-

"I have to get her out of there, Marble. Just... just hold on a sec. Wait here."

I wouldn't risk Marble getting in as well. I just had to drag Pinkie out. Kicking and screaming, if need be.

"I'm telling you, you're gonna lo-"

I was suddenly in over my head. Literally and figuratively.

W-what!? What was that...? Why can't I- MY LEG! MY LEG'S...

"P-PINKIE PIE!?!"

She'd vanished from view, only the rushing water now visible.

NO! PLEASE NO!

"PIN-"

"Go get father, Marble!"

"B-but-"

"NOW!!!"

Please, Pinkie. Please be okay.

I galloped as fast as my legs would carry me.

I stared at the erratic water for longer than I should have, my body's trembling becoming uncontrollable.

I don't want to get in. I don't want to get in. I don't want to get in! I DON'T WANT TO GET IN!!!

I was so scared, the prospect of my own death repeatedly passing through my mind. And then Pinkie's lifeless body flashed through it. I grit my teeth and jumped in after her. The current was much stronger than ever before.

Where is she!? This current is... I can't keep this pace up for long...

I can't get my leg free... I CAN'T GET MY LEG FREE!

I was stuck, my hoof trapped under something hard and impossible to move.

MAUD! MARBLE! SOMEPONY, PLEASE HELP ME!

Terror gripped me, making it that much harder to breathe, my lungs already burning like the hottest of flames.

It's... It's too much... I can't...

My muscles ached, fighting against the current gradually draining all of my energy. I'd need air soon and Pinkie was nowhere to be-

THERE! SHE'S THERE!

As soon as I spotted her my strength renewed. I blasted as hard as I could toward her, my hooves resting on her shoulders.

M-MAUD!? MAUD, I'M STUCK!!!

She came for me. Even though she was so scared, she'd come for me. I was so very happy, but...

I'VE GOT YOU! Now, we just have t- W-what!?

I couldn't move her an inch. The expression she gave me wasn't one of fear, but of sadness, as if she was aware of something I wasn't. She shook her head slowly.

You can't... I'm... I'm stuck.

Tears would have stained my face, if that was actually possible, but the water instantly washed them all away. It felt like I was shackled to something. She wouldn't be able to help me.

There has to be...

I looked around her body for a second before finally noticing the problem.

YOUR HOOF?!

A large log had come to rest between her leg and... something else on the floor of the river, creating a vice like grip on her.

Come on. COME ON!

I grabbed the wood, pulling it as hard as I could over and over again. Despite my best efforts, It wouldn't budge. I was too weak.

PLEASE! JUST, PLEASE! UGH!

I couldn't move it... and I was quickly losing strength, my muscles already numb from the effort and the swimming. I moved back up to her face, my lungs on fire, my throat burning.

I... I can't do it... Pinkie... I can't do it. I'm sorry. I'm.... I'm scared... I'm so scared.

I wanted to cry.

I don't want to be here anymore.

I wanted to save her.

I don't want to drown.

I wanted her to be safe.

I don't want to die.

It's okay, Maud. Really, It's okay. It's all my fault. I'm sorry... I'm so... sorry.

I couldn't hold my breath any longer, a mass of bubbles spilling out of my mouth as I took in too much water into my lungs.

NO! You can't! Not like this. Please, not like this!

Her eyes were glossing over, her consciousness fading.

There has to be something I can do! Where is Marble!?

How did I get here? How did we get here?

NO! PINKAMENA DIANE PIE, DON'T YOU DARE CLOSE YOUR EYES!!!

I grabbed her face, begging with her, pleading my baby sister... but I knew... I already knew...

Please... just... leave... Maud.

It was a dumb decision. I should've listened to them. Now I...

Still, Maud loved me so much she was risking her own life to try and save me. Even though the water had become so cold, that fact made me feel warm.

I'm not a coward. I'M NOT!

In seconds I'd be swept away by the current or swallow so much water I'd pass out.

I can't... I can't breathe... I'm going to... I'm going to drown too...

The fear won. I let her go. I watched her as I began to swim away. I watched her...

I have to... Pinkie... I have to. Or I'm... I HAVE TO GO! I'M SORRY!

As I ascended, I could see it... her body had stopped moving.

I wasn't mad at her. I'd been the foolish one.

It's okay, Maud. Really, it's... okay. I... love... you... big sister... Thank... you... and...

As I surfaced and swam back to land, I crawled out onto the riverbank, coughing up the abundance of water I'd taken in before I began to vomit.

"H-HELP!!! ANYPONY PLEASE!!! SOMEPONY HELP!!! MY SISTER IS- MY SISTER'S-"

"MAUD!!!"

Dad was galloping my way, the look of determination on his face causing my tears to fall. Mom and Marble were right behind him, looking just as terrified as him. He didn't say another word to me, leaping into the river as soon as he reached it.

"M-Mom, I- we-" I was bawling. Mom was already cradling me, her tears flowing as well.

"It's okay, Maud. It's okay. Everything is going to be okay." She kept repeating that. Over, and over, and over again. "It's gonna be okay."

But... I knew...

I already knew...

Pinkie is...

I'd left her.

I felt nothing. I saw nothing.

"Maud! MAUDILEENA!"

I opened my eyes, mother shaking me roughly, tears streaming down her face.

Why is she smiling?

"I told you, dear." She tilted her head.

P-Pinkie?!

My eyes became so wide they hurt.

She was coughing and she looked frightful, but she was alive, Dad holding her close. I felt so good, felt so happy, I wanted to jump up and dance and scream in delight, but I couldn't. Instead, a small smile came to my lips.

She's okay.

Author's Note:

Just a little short about how Maud became the way she is. Not dumping on the actual reasons or anything, just thought some trauma would be a fair reason. Oh! This is also inspired by a song...

Comments

[Isuvyw]

Intriguing and rather unique format you've used here. The narrative really shows how life experiences can shape the way we are now.

[Hoofprintz]

11721055
Thanks for the comment! Yeah, I tried something new, hopefully my intentions came through.

[Foxtrot-Mayflower]

This is very good, and pretty unique. This is trauma at its finest, someone dying because you are powerless to stop something. Of course the process of death was interrupted, but it’s effective nonetheless.

I like how you presented the 3-4 PoV idea, and the execution is well done, not really perfect but I wasn’t left disappointed at all.

I still think it wouldn’t hurt to add more details in, like explain to me how it felt to be trapped under a log, what the impact did to your leg, stuff like that. Maybe even add a bit of text before someone replies of their expressions, like did they make a scowl? Just make your story be a bit more imaginative overall, because while I’m enjoying the read, sometimes it’s hard to imagine some scenes playing out.

Otherwise, this is good, a 7/10 or a 8/10 if I had to rate it. It does a lot of right, and very few wrong, I would go as far as to say it does nothing wrong. It just has the potential to be a tiny bit better.

[Hoofprintz]

11721915
I tinkered with the idea of killing Pinkie. It didn't seem right.

The pov thing is definitely wonky as it's my first time trying. The whole should this be a thought or not bugged me.

Lol second time with the details, Fox? I understand the want for that, but with your first few points I did contemplate adding more... disturbing descriptions. I tend to try to keep in line when it comes to ratings and stuff. I really didn't want to push anything like that. I do agree, though, again, lol. I tend to over/under quite a bit.

"Hoof, you didn't describe here enough!"

"But there's a really cool scene coming up and I wanna write that!"

And I definitely agree, this could be much better, but I think it's a cute little short.

Thanks for reading and commenting!

[Foxtrot-Mayflower]

11721948
I do love myself some ‘light’ gore, but this story wasn’t tagged with gore so I have no idea what I was expecting. I guess I just love to go all out when I do things, and I have no concept of a small story.

[Hoofprintz]

11722116
I really have to hold myself back for one shots. If I didn't every one would be like 30+ chapters, lol.

[Heavy Mole]

For me, there was a peak of suspense when the white text entered. I thought at first that it might have been a monster or maybe an angelic presence looking down as the action unfolded. It's a great "what's going on" moment because the rest of the story is structured so clearly, and the idea of a fourth "unseen" character offers a lot of narrative playground.

As it is written, though, I believe the purpose of giving the different points of view is to show the reader that Pinkie doesn't blame Maud for the scare they had down by the river, so that the latter's emotional guilt is a self-understood thing. Her response to that crisis, however, seems very natural to me. I would say that is a spot which needs "detail" to help make the connection between this experience and her adult character. For example, using the tense split you have going and having her reminisce about children's library books on geology while she struggles with the rocks that are anchoring her sister to the river bed.

This feels like it could be an episode in a larger work, and I think that one day you will write a great book where you tell the history of a family or a place through several biographies.

[Hoofprintz]

11722729
Thank you much for reading, as well as for the thorough analysis. If I ever do manage to write a book, you'll be one of the people I thank in it, lol.