Night Shade
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I realize this is probably going to make me seem like a jackass (and be a very long comment), but I'm going to be blunt. This story is terrible, though it's mostly because of the grammar. You have paragraphs made of one run-on sentence each, atrocious spelling, I believe you didn't once capitalize the word "princess" unless it began a sentence, and I don't think you capitalized "sparkle" for Twilight's name at all either. The grammar in this made it VERY difficult to read at all.
"Twilight focused all her magic into the formation of the magic symbols on the floor while princess Celesita was conjuring the magic for the final seal, the ancient spirit was contained in a stone box decorated and embedded with magic to prevent him from escaping, after princess Celestia explained what Twilight had to do she had been focusing all of her magic into the symbols trying to prevent her thoughts from wavering, so far she was doing fine but she was beginning to feel weak and drained from overusing her magic, but the ceremony was coming to an end, it wouldn’t take much longer until the evil spirit was sealed for another eternity and all would be safe."
Why is this paragraph all one sentence? That's the kind of thing I'm talking about. The grammar is so bad that it makes it difficult to read the story. The story doesn't seem very well thought out, the grammar's terrible, and it could have been at least somewhat good if it weren't for these problems. That's really the worst part.
The mature stuff wasn't very good, it seemed incredibly rushed and unvaried. The ending was boring, and you used "equestrian" when it seemed like you meant to say "Equestria".
Overall, I'd say 2/10, and that' being generous because I think I know what you meant for this story to be. If you fix the grammar it can be much better, though I don't know how good it will be even then.
Sorry if I seem like a jerk but this was just... really bad.
Dude. What.
dl.dropbox.com/u/81733307/abandon-thread-gif-cats.gif
1374934 well it was a thing i did in a few hours coz i made a bet with a m8.
though i do agree it's crap.
1374952 Damn man that gif made me lol so hard, I have to get that one!
1375359
That GIF is the best thing about this whole mess.
Is you could ad the capitalizations and add the punctuation marks that are missing, this could be a nice one shot actially. But is to hard to read, and frankly is way to rush, specially the ending. I have no idea what you said when you explained what the evil spirit was.
erm the sex "scene" was like lighting...
BOOM
and it's over
the amount of clop in this clopfic is so weak/small.... I expected a bit more specially that Spike is older and he should have more stamina (so he count switch poses or even holes) for sex
you could at least add the normal sex scene after those 1000 years if you didn't had idea for "rape" scene
1381666 im planning to expand the ending a lot, it was rushed and im planning to do a lot more with spike and luna (maybe add in a 3some later on)
after the scene in the gardens it will be moved someplace else and more stuff happens (no Spoilers)
so after im finished tomoz it should have a lot more added
ya know what, its time for some useful information
Hey bro i mean its not like it was horrible, it made me think about some stuff while clopping myself to death in the middle of the night.
You need to take your time on this type of stuff, while i don't have any posted stories i know that every chapter needs at least 2-3 weeks revision and the story is vivid and would probably do better as a non clop which is cool so yeah just sayin'
1477588 thanks for the pointer, i might redo this whole story after I've done my next 1 that's taking forever to do.....
I've also noticed that nearly all my work has been rushed, but anyway thanks again for the help
Hmmm, interesting fic this. Good job.
Very good clop sir very good also just because I can
Damit I drew a pic for this (took likee 5 min) but I cant figer out how to post it
not too bad