• Member Since 6th Jun, 2013
  • offline last seen July 25th

neokiva


Comments ( 91 )

Another one? Is this one gonna cross with Archer as well?

7492162 Nah, this one is largely separate, the two wont ever crossover.

You know, when a sub-genre gets so tedious that the long description is a literal checklist, maybe it should be left to die. Just a thought.

Hmm, I think I could get behind this. I'll give it a chance and keep it tracked.

7492205
Or people could write summaries that don't completely revolve around how the MC got to Equestria? It's a thought.

7492215

The trend seems to be "Yeah we've done this a thousand times already, but here it is again" which gives some insight into how the author feels about the story, if only just the beginning. At the very least something needs to change.

7492221
I couldn't agree more. I'm currently in the middle of trying to write a Displaced fic, but I'm also trying to make it not so generic it follows the apparent Displaced formula to a T.

7492226 I also happen to be trying to do that, but if you read the rules of the group it still has to follow the general theme.

7492240
Well yeah, but I mean most of the Displaced fics I've read seem to have some of the same problems or go the exact same way. On that note, when was it mentioned that Aryxon knew anything about MLP? I could have easily just missed it, but I don't think so. Also, I would advise trying to write a new summary when you have the spare time (even though I just noticed you got rid of that "list" part). Just trying to help out in some way I can.

7492221 which would be what? I am trying to also follow the group rules as well as doing something new. but when your writer number 1000+ for a group with a specific theme, things tend to be either done before or hated because it's not displaced.

Also what do you mean about same problems? Can you elaborate so I can avoid them?

7492250 well that's the thing I can't really think of a summary, that stands out.

7492257
That's ok, stuff like that takes time to do well in my opinion. Just keep trying and eventually you'll get something good. :twilightsmile:

7492280 Still I'd like to avoid the pitfalls that have been repeated (not the first part with the merchant, at least it had cake and was female) Btw that pokemon in the oreo is making me hungry.

7492288
Ah, but that's where you're wrong. It's not a pokemon in an oreo, it's a pokemon that is an oreo! Yeah but with the merchant part in my story I was just gonna mention it briefly (not at the beginning either) and just move on.

7492251

Fuck the rules, then. Start the story however you want. As long as it's a person in Equestria with some kind of already known character's abilities, it's Displaced. Write the story, submit it anyway, and if it's any good they'll take it. And if they don't, then whatever. Keep writing it. I think it's an absolute waste to write something you think is shitty just because some strict guidelines say you have to. Break the mold. Subvert expectations. Show the reader something new and fascinating. Keep it fresh.

7492293 Ok I have removed the whole part about the convention and made a tiny note not to trust shady merchants. let's see if it get's a different reception.

7492317
Seeing as I'm no critic or reviewer of any sort, I honestly can't say if it makes it better or not, but I can tell you that I enjoy it more without the convention part right at the beginning. On a side note, silver dragons are fucking awesome. Other metallic dragons are cool too, but I like silver the most.

7492317

Welp, I can safely say you'll need to edit this thoroughly...

7492481 it's a good thing I said it's not edited then eh?

ill leave this simple i enjoyed it and hope to see how spike reacts to a silver dragon

"What's going thoue my mind as I'm reading this"
DOVICEN, DOVOCEN, YOU MAKE FALL OUT LOOK WEAK AND BECAUSE YOUR SO FUN. I DONT NEED OBLIVION. NOW MY LIFE WILL BE GONE WHEN THIS GAME IS DONE BUT I JUST BET THE GAME AND IT ONLY BEGONE!!!!!

So.:applejackunsure:

That just happened.:rainbowhuh:


I'm oddly pleased about it.:facehoof:

7493667 Don't rightly know, to be honest.:applejackunsure:

Maybe it's because of this surprising way spike started that whole thing at the end.:rainbowderp:

I really don't know why, but... well...:trixieshiftright:


I don't know:unsuresweetie:

Just don't know why, but i'm oddly pleased how all that stuff happened at the end...

:facehoof:le sigh...:facehoof:

From what I seen this could be a great story but i would suggest using better passing from the git. We have two characters that can help flush out the mane characters personality more (the griffin and the Pegasus) this could be a time fore the mane character to find any differences between the equestria he knows and the real equestria . Its not like we know everything about equestria we only git a half hour glimpse into it threw the eyes of a select few. You don't half to ex plane everything about the mane character maybe put him/her in a situation were it will show there mental and moral standing. This will allow for better connect-ability with your audience and make your character better received. 5/10 so far but could be a 9/10 if you work on expanding your characters mindset .

7497273 lol she isn't that big yet XD she's a young adult silver dragoness on the cusp of adulthood.

Ah, breath attacks...I remember my first d&d character had one... I called it the rainbow breath, roll the dice for effect..

7500524 trust me there's lots of irritating dice rolls I have to roll with this story.

7500675 Oh! Your actually rolling the die in this story? Colour me intrigued...what color would intrigue be? Purple? Maybe a dark blue?

Neokiva

I enjoyed the chapter As for the other's comments I have a feeling that Spike will be shocked and or Two or Three things will happen. Spike is happy to not be the only dragon in Ponyville. Two: Aryxon gets dragged in as a potential role for Spike as an Adult Dragoness or Three Hypothetically Spike latches on to Aryxon and calls her mother in every sense of the word. This brings up some questions what breed of Dragon is Spike? Does anypony truly know this information?

7500691 I don't know maybe red or orange

I have to ask, what made you decide to add the new part of chapter 1?

7503694 because I found exposition was sparse and some character building was needed, you see it's relevant because Aryxon will keep fighting her new instincts. That spiel about ignoring the Kraken was more than just a comedic device. It should also be noted that alternate form essentially presents a chance for Celestia to be a troll. But I won't say much else.

Wait a minute, what edition does this story use?

7513013
Just wondering is all, I play 3.5

Hmmmm.. The translating is a little tedious might I suggest paraphrasing it?

7518412 Yeah, reading this on a tablet makes it pretty impossible to easily bounce back and forth between pages or copy/paste things. Suggest using brackets for the translation.

Partly seems a little cliché....

Otherwise interesting....

I'll keep my eye on this....

Good chapter can't wait for more

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