Well, my second chapter, here it goes!
Chapter 2: The Awakening
Waking. I slowly regained consciousness, I'm pretty sure that I would have been out longer, had it not been for someone kicking my side. As I opened my leaden eyelids I could see a blurry blue object above me. When I blinked again I could see that it was an ice blue unicorn. Wait!
A unicorn? What the hell?!
"Oh, finally! I thought you'd never wake up!"
"Oh my God!"
"What?"
"You're a pony!"
'Um duh, of course I am! So are you in case you hadn't noticed.'
What the hell? I ran over to a pool, or at least I tried to, but when I attempted to stand I fell flat on my face. The blue mare started laughing and I looked at her in a plea to help me stand. She then nudged me up to my hooves, yet I was still wobbly, I figured I would be for a bit at least.
"Wow, I stood on my first try."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, when I woke up I saw you laying next to me, and when I went to wash my face off I notice the colors of my coat and mane matched yours."
Hmm, that's a bit odd, does it really matter? Well, it might, guess I'll ask right?
"So?"
"I don't know, but the only differences between you and me are that I am a unicorn and you are a pegasus and that I am a mare"
She then emphasized her next point by poking my lower region with her hoof.
"Are not."
By this time I had become coordinated enough to walk over to the pool, and as I peered in I saw that our colors matched exactly! I don't know what's going on, or how that dark cloud got me here, but I sure as hell am going to find out!
"How far away is the nearest city?"
"Um, I have no idea, I'm as clueless as you are."
"Then how did you get out here?"
"I have no idea!"
"What do you mean you have no idea?!"
She gave me a look that said 'You're an idiot.'
"I don't know how I got here, I was just walking back home from a party with some friends and then some big ole dark purply blue cloud-thingy comes out of the sky and hits us."
"Wait, seriously?"
"Um, yeah?"
"That's what happened to me."
She gave me a funny look and asked;
"What's your name?"
I then asked,
"What's yours?"
"Christina."
"Chris."
"What the hell?"
"I'm thinking the same thing."
It started to add up, the same colors, similar names, the same circumstances. Yes, it did add up. She seemed to be a female version of myself
"I think you're me."
"I thing you're me too."
"How is that possible?"
"How should I know?"
Yep, she was me all right. I had no idea how this was possible, and since I didn't, she didn't this meant that we'd have to find someone that did, so I voiced that thought.
"We need to find someone that knows what's going on."
"How're we going to do that if we're in the middle of what I'm going to assume is the Everfree Forest?"
"Easy, we just find a way out!"
"Then lead on, oh wise one."
I could tell that she might just get on my nerves the smallest bit...
We then took off at a steady pace through the forest, passing myriad colors of trees and shrubs, occasionally hearing the screech or howl of some unknown creature. To my satisfaction, my counter part was thoroughly spooked. Serves her right for mocking me.
Eventually we came to a path, where I asked
"Which way do you want to go?"
"Um, I'm not sure, why don't you try flying up above the trees to look which way a town might be?"
"Great idea, if only I knew how to use these wings."
She looked at me in confusion, then realization.
"Then let's get you started learning!"
With that, she grabbed a wing and pulled it out. To her displeasure it snapped right back to my side with a *fluff*
"Maybe we could try something reflexive?"
"Like what?"
She looked around, eying the scenery, then her eyes grew wide and she got very excited.
"Come on, climb that tree!"
"What?"
"Just do it!"
"Okay!"
As I got up to the tree I tried to grab a branch, but no longer having hands, I could not. Thus, I had to improvise.
After about ten minutes I was just about thirty feet above the ground (I climb slow, okay?). Once I had gotten situated, I asked,
"What now?"
To which she replied with a smirk,
"Hold on!"
She then proceeded to easily climb the tree in less than a minute (I don't know how). She came up next to me and said,
"Ready?"
Bewilderedly, I asked,
"What for?"
"For this!"
And with that she pushed me out of the tree.
As I fell I thought about how much I was going to miss, dying having only just entered Equestria, and how much I would have loved to see ponyville.
And as the ground sped toward me, I could feel a tingle in some place around my side, which then became something of an arm, which I then realized was my wings. About ten feet from the ground I felt them begin to move up and down, and I realized that I was slowing. I fought to will them in to obedience and flapped harder and harder, slowly gaining control (at least it seemed slow), only once I had full awareness and possession of them did I hit the ground with a nice, full, robust *THUD*
I heard her climbing down behind me, exclaiming,
"Yes! It worked!"
Sure enough, I could still feel the blood flow in my wings, and I started to stretch them out a bit, getting a better feel for them, testing all of their contortionary limitations, finding which angles I could fold or stretch them at, and getting the fine details of the intricate muscle fibers ingrained in to my memory and moving each and every feather. Oh, yes, I could get used to this!
"It sure did, look!"
I started flapping my wings and I could feel the force of the air beneath them slowly lifting me up, and once I had reached about ten feet in the air I looked down (while still flapping) and called out to Christina,
"This is amazing!"
"Yeah it is! Now get up there and look for a town!"
"Yeah! I'll get right on that!"
I was still learning, and it took me a while to learn how to get up to speed, but once I did I was going, and I mean I was really going. The only problem was maneuvering my way through the canopy to get a view, and of course I smacked in to a few branches on the way up, but I figured I was doing pretty good for my first flight, right?
I broke through the canopy to a cacophony of chirping birds and blinding sun light, man was it dark down there! I took a moment to just float and relax there, taking the view in. There were distant mountains, a wonderful variety of clouds, and to my pleasure, a small town in the distance, with a cottage on its outskirts and what looked like an apple orchard to another side. It was Ponyville of all places! My heart leapt (leaped?) when I saw it and I did a nice spin while in the air, resisting the urge to shoot off towards the town. I decided to mark the place where I had exited the canopy and to do a few exercises before flying back down.
I started to flap my wings and gained a little speed, then made a sharp turn to the left followed by an aileron roll, pulled to a complete stop and started to fly backwards, at a much slower speed. I then started forward again and shot up through the clouds and pulled another series of turns just working on agility. Yes, I figure now would be a good time to go back down to my second self and report my findings, I looked back toward the town and took note of the direction and distance, then flew back down to the spot I had exited the forest, winding my way back to Christina, and alighting with a flourish (I like style).
"Ponyville is only about a half mile east!"
When she heard this she started bouncing up and down, clearly very giddy.
"Oh really? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!"
"Yeah, let's go!"
I then took off running east on the path, and as my ears told me, so did my counterpart. We kept this pace up for quite a while, taking all the twists and turns in the path at speed, ignoring all of the calls of the creatures of the forest, in the sheer excitement of the thought of seeing familiar faces from the show. We kept our speed until the path exited the forest and there, no more than three hundred meters away was Ponyville!
It suddenly dawned on me, neither of us had appropriate pony names! This could be a problem in the event that either of us was asked about ourselves. We would have to come up with appropriate names and stories of our origin in Equestria. I then stopped and turned to my second half.
"We need names and stories of how we got here and where we are from."
Her eyes lit up, and I could tell she was thinking.
"Well, I had been thinking of that, and I noticed that our color patterns and tones reminded me of something wind related, so I was thinking something like Zephyrius for you, and Zephyria for myself?"
"Wow, that actually doesn't sound too bad, um, I guess we could say that we were born and raised in Canterlot in one of the smaller suburbs?"
"Sure, why not? Well, I guess that's it then right?"
She shook her head with ill hidden enthusiasm
"Yeah, I guess so!"
"Well, let's get going!"
And with that, we started our trot in to Ponyville.
Well, there it is, I hope that anyone reading it is starting to enjoy it! If you feel like it, just tell me anything that I could improve on!
Thanks for reading!
1366315
I don't really know, I enjoy being part of the fandom, plus I guess I just felt like writing.
1366329
That is a good enough reason to write in my opinion.
1366346
Hey, you know, I figured it would be as good of a reason as any!
1366343 I completely understand. That being said... Did you consciously decide to make a story that follows all the wrong stereotypes about amateur pony writers?
Like, let me be clear here, there's nothing wrong with your writing, aside from a few punctuation errors. It's just, an HiE story where the protagonist wakes up in the Everfree forest? It almost feels like you're TRYING to conform to stereotypes. It's very unoriginal.
1366392
I actually did consider that. I did see that as being a problem, but at that point I was just too tired to think of a way around how I wanted my storyline to go. I'm sure that once my next chapter is up you might see some divergence between this and other HiE stories. Honestly, I am an amateur pony writer, and my punctuation was never very good (As my past English and Composition teachers would certainly agree). I just decided that I'd try my hand at writing you know?
Edit: If I plan to keep the story up I do think that I would need a pre-reader/proofreader.
1366392
That's kinda harsh.
1366425
Try Proofreaders and People willing to Proofread, Proofreading Prereading and Editing, or Author Support.
1366425 Good stories don't just happen like that, they require a lot of thought. By all means, continue to write this story. I just want to tell you that I think your talents and efforts would be much better used by writing something less trope-y. The good news is, you CAN do that. I like the dialogue in this story, it's funny and lively, despite the subject matter. That's why I'm telling you that this story is unoriginal - you could be doing better.
1366426 I don't mean to put this fine fellow down. Criticism is criticism, it's not a personal attack. Considering that this story is decently written and mostly devoid of errors, that's like half of what you need to get in the featured box right there. This just doesn't seem like a good idea. Anyways, I'll still offer my apologies if I come off as offensive.
Edit: Well, what do you know. It DID make the featured box. Impressive!
1366463
Sorry, I guess I'm kinda jumpy. I just came from a story from a first time writer that got down-voted into oblivion amid "reviewers" who kept calling the writer stupid.
What happened to love and tolerate?
out of curiosity, why do you use ' instead of " ?
1366477
Um, where?
1366477 It's just a style thing. Presumably it has something to do with American vs British English.
1366529 ok 1366495 when the people/pony's talk
Edit 1: this is your first story? it's pretty good
'
1366570
Yes, this is my first, but I'm not reassured about it's quality due to the number of down votes.
encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSniTvq7zSI5V_ulcYUTOg0s6GLkS5vUd6sl256tkQWutJXpCNs
We are watching
encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSniTvq7zSI5V_ulcYUTOg0s6GLkS5vUd6sl256tkQWutJXpCNs
We know
This is featured.....
1367324
Dabuck?
1367328 It's on my featured bar...
I shall read this story later.... Somehow it's on featured ........
1367343
Let's watch the down votes rise, shall we?
1367352 I don't know... I promised myself to read this after work today which is about 7 hours.
1367352
dont be so negative about it... think positive? you got featured which means you can get more people to look at your work and give you GOOD AND HELPFUL advice on what to do on your second try. You shouldnt be thrashed upon for posting your work and recieve alot of downvotes when you were honestly just trying to write a story because you wanted to, its not like you were trying to bother or offend people right? Instead you should be shown support and help when there are probably plenty of others who didnt even attempt at writing because they didntthink that they could create something good, you however still went ahead and gave it a shot so kudos to you for trying! hope your future works turn out for the better dont give up on writing if thats what you want to do!
If its your first don't worry you'll get better trust me
Okay, so don't take this the wrong way, but I don't know how this got Featured with as many downvotes as it got. Nothing to do with quality (I ain't read it yet), I just thought the system worked different.
I'll add this to my massive, massive list of fics to read, and I'll give critique once I've read it.
Honestly, pretty bad beginning. It was pretty generic (although it was funny) and it wasn't really plot revealing.
However....it sounds very interesting. following on presumptions
btw. don't let mostly negative comments like mine let ya down. I just noticed something that could be improved upon next time.
keep writing dude! for effort.
1367473
I was much more bewildered. Trust me
1367471
Thanks for the encouragement!
1367446
Hard to see all that support through that big ole bar of red lol. Thank you though!
The concept of this story is interesting at the very least. I don't know if I've seen it done before. I'll follow it for as long as it can hold my interest. For now, have a thumbs up and a favorite.
1367645
Much appreciated. I will do my best.
Interesting twist having gender and species flipped versions of the wayward brony meet up like that. Things are looking up, plot wise. :) (Nooo not that way ya pervs.. )
Now the big mystery to me is are they from two different alternate realities, or did he trip out so badly before the magic meteor hit that his Anima/Animus split into two ponies? This little mystery is gonna keep me watching this for now. :)
(and before anypony asks, The Anima and Animus are the female and male portions of everyone that are deep in every mind. A websearch might turn up enough of the latest research to satisfy the curious.)
It's decently written, I'll be watching to see where this goes. Honestly I don't see why there are so many downvotes. No it's not great, but neither is my first attempt. Keep writing, keep improving, and prove the downvoters wrong I guess.
Away with you red bar.
*Adds a like and a fav*
There we go looks a bit better.
iambrony.steeph.tp-radio.de/mlp/gif/typiesmall.gif?1311685964
You see this? ""? Use them for God sake. Also, this is just gross. I don't want to say anything else. Good day.
Fixed my apparent punctuation problem...
wow... i really liked this one....simple yet deep, striking yet shallow and very very hooking.... looking forward to more!
How did this get featured? I mean, I haven't read it yet or anything, so I have no idea how good this is (or isn't). But I'm fairly certain having more downvotes than upvotes should, uh, make it near impossible to be featured.
Apparently, though, that's not the case. So confused... dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_TwilightWut.png
1367992
It appears to be le bug.
1368023
At one point it had a decent number of ups, but there was a sudden influx of downs.
Idiot haters, nothing more. Just ignore them.
Still, this worries me. You have the potential, but like others said before me, it seems a waste to use them on a fic like this. I suppose you could say that a HiE is sort of like the first thing any fic writer is expected to do, but... Then again, I'm being hypocritical, my first fic was a HiE. Shipping, at that.
ANYWAY, I shall track this, though how long I do that for just depends on a) how much depth the characters have, b) what happens, c) and whether or not the quality remains the same.
Don't worry, Princess Celestia is sending a chariot to pick you up. There is a process for this kind of thing, it happens all the time.
bam, balanced votes! wa-ha!
oh, shit. if i were this guy i would totally romance myself
First chapter was pretty good I think. The humor and fast pace (to reach the part we're here for) mostly makes up for it's generic execution. Second chapter brought an interesting twist I haven't seen before, so bonus points for that.
One thing I don't much like is how fast they adjusted to their brand new bodies. Most people don't want to watch someone learn to walk, but it's been like ten minutes and they're already running like the wind and flying like a pro. Pegasi attend flight camp and unicorns have specific schools to learn magic (magic kindergarten). I know you want to do stuff with your characters soon, but learning things like flying and magic would need some time.
I have a couple tips if you want them:
1) Slow down a bit, the journey is half the fun.
2) Start introducing a plot (one that is more than *meet ponies-->live happily ever after* would be nice.)
3) Please try to avoid at least some of the big cliches.
4) Chris out flying RD and/or Christina out magicking Twilight. Don't do it. I just don't see that ending well no matter how you spin it. They really shouldn't even be in the same league.
That's all I have for now. I'll keep an eye on this for a bit, see how it goes.
1368223
Well, one could say the new bodies come with muscle memory. Or the muscle memory for bipedal locomotion was altered to fit quadrupedal locomotion. Unless specifically stated, though, yeah, it's too fast.
Yeah, some sort of plot. Even a simple one like trying to find a job and various (and hilarious) cock-ups.
Oh yeah. Cliches are bad. Unless you plan on parodying them. Even then, be careful.
1368223
1. Oh I'm trying to lol
2. coming soon
3. I will try my best.
4. I hate those sooo much.
Yeah, the speed with which they adjusted was a tad overboard. I just figured it would be good for progression, as you said, no one wants 2000 words talking about learning to fly.
1368185
Never said it was an alicorn. I hate OP BS. I just hate how people see thie and they're like ' HiE, it's gotta be about some OP corny hero dude. Let's tank it!' Without even giving it a shot.
1368261
If you only show bits and pieces of it, it tends to work well.
Man, this is weird. A fic with a 50-50 like/dislike ratio, and all of the comments are either praise or constructive criticism? THIS IS NOT HOW THE INTERNET IS MEANT TO WORK.
That being said, I'll give it a read and get back to you.
FAKEDIT: And again, total agreeance. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU TONIGHT, INTERNET?! Anyway, I have the same feelings as everyone else. A bit cliche and some pacing issues, but solid writing and concept.
The Internet is not meant to have this much friendship and tolerance. Not even on pony sites. WHAT IS HAPPENING
I can't tell if this fic being feautred is very good for you, or very bad.
Good because you can actually get some pretty nice things such as constructive criticism and tips to improve.
Bad because you know there's going to be a lot of piss thrown at you and your story.
Let's face it, your story's not good, but you made it clear you just like to write for the hell of it. And though you may not care what some people have to say about your fic, you must know that too much negativity will still get to almost anybody.
Stay strong novice author brony
1367035 meh... don't worry about them... they're probably just doing that for no reason