This story is a sequel to Fluttertree
Sequel to Fluttertree.
Twilight, Flurry Heart and Discord help Cadance with the passing of her husband.
It's not easy and requires an original solution.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 19th Feb, 2022
- offline last seen 31 minutes ago
Caladis
You cannot appreciate the light without seeing the darkness. Donations welcome. https://www.patreon.com/Caladis
Caladis
Joined 19th Feb, 2022 ·
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The writing is fine, no issues with spelling or grammar, which isn't a high bar but you never know with fanfics.
However, there's some tonal dissonance. The story is meant to focus on Cadence dealing with the passing of Shining Armor, and so the inclusion of Twilight only just finding out is very odd. It's brushed aside immediately, which makes it unnecessary to the conversation throughout the rest of the story.
As for the dialogue itself, while it is about acceptance, it also involves a conversation about moving on, which doesn't pair well with fresh grief. The sudden appearance of Discord, while making sense in the context of MLP, is narratively very random, and might exist only to make it a direct sequel, which is not necessary as the passing if Fluttershy is referenced by Twilight.
If I could describe the feeling in brief, the story seems very scattered and unfocused, a weakness is much more noticeable in short stories like this one.
11550700
Your points are valid. I didn't intend for this to be a sequel to Fluttertree until I found that I couldn't write it any other way.
I guess once you're ageless and pushing over a 100 years, you know that your mortal loved ones are going to die. You both can and can't cope with it at the same time, Humor can help the pain, but you still need to cope.
I tried to make the best out of the concept.
11550724
I think integrating humor with sadness is natural, but also difficult, and there's nothing any of us can do except try.
This story is strange for lack of a better term. Fluttershy is a tree? Shining Armor is turned into a set of, well armor? Flurry is overtly promiscuous with her guard, or at least endorses such actions?
Not a bad story by any means, but I got caught off guard by a lot of the plot points. Would've liked to see more exploration into Cadance's grief and how she felt losing Shining.
11550764
The Fluttershy turned into a tree part makes a lot more sense if you read 'Fluttertree' first but yeah, I was trying something different. Not sure if it worked.
11551020
I'll check that one out then.
Also I'd like to clarify. This isn't bad just unexpected fur me. It's just reader expectation bring different y'know what I mean?
I like a lot of the ideas and themes this story brings up, I especially think the idea of Shining becoming a literal armor for his daughter is a strange, but ultimately sweet idea
However, I do think this story is extremely rushed through. Cadance's grief seems incredibly glossed over as soon as Twilight enters the story, then both of them feel brushed aside when Flurry makes the final suggestion on what to do with her father. And while I understand why the appearance of Discord was necessary for this story's conclusion, he too suffers from the frantic pace of the writing. You're trying to introduce a variety of very personal themes, but you'll struggle to get the reader to truly empathise unless you take more time using your description and exposition to help aid those themes. I'm not saying spell everything out for the reader, but you do need to make more time for it so the pace of the dialogue doesn't feel so uneven.
I think you've got a lot of good ideas, but just practice a little more on controlling the flow of your narrative.
11551163
I probably should have spent a little more time working on this before I published it. Nothing stopping me from going back and putting more time into it and updating it.
11551163
I went back and edited in a longer passing and mourning process. Maybe you'll enjoy it more now?
11550700
I edited the story, maybe it'll meet your expectations a little better now, and thank you for your feedback.