Management of Oneself

by RobynJSwift

Only Chapter

Starlight felt sick, not quite nauseated but sick enough emotionally that she was unsure that she was completely disqualified from that descriptor. Guilt tethered to every piece of her, her very own talent having once again betrayed her. She was almost tempted to try removing her own cutie mark again - but it never worked before so she knew there was no reason it would work now.

While a small part of her was trying to project the guilt to her destiny, to her cutie mark, she knew it was her own fault as well. She knew she shouldn’t have used her spell-weaving on other ponies to brainwash them, or at least she thought she knew, now she knew at least. She understood the idea was originally a comfort to her own fears, that she used it more to help herself settle than out of any harmful intention.

But after how Twilight was disappointed over the whole incident and how Rainbow yelled at her, it struck her that her thoughts had gone back on a path that she’d barely avoided ever since she got to the castle. She was almost unsure how she’d gotten to the point of thinking the spell was a good idea in the first place. Because of this, she had asked Twilight to allow her to not do her magic lessons today since she knew her magic might be harmed by her emotions.

It had been horribly difficult to ask to miss a lesson, especially since Twilight was the mentor who tended to think of every detail. She almost felt wrong for asking, that Twilight would have asserted the break if it was something she thought Starlight needed. Starlight felt slightly burned by the faint disappointment that had lingered within her mentor's hopeful expression - knowing she had caused its presence. The pressure of that gaze had been enough to bring her to feel that asking to be dismissed was more important than it previously felt like it was, even if just to escape.

When she had proposed it however, Twilight accepted her request to pass up lessons for the day. The short mention of probably needing time to recover from everything that happened set Starlight on edge despite the reassuring hoof on her shoulder. But the moment Twilight separated from her, reminding her to turn in her friendship report by tomorrow night, she spoke a short thanks and teleported out of the room immediately.

She went to the desk in her room and sat at it, levitating the friendship report over in hopes that she could get it over with to allow herself the time to think about everything. The moment she sat down with the large blank space for the lesson staring at her. The only portions filled were the name, date, assignment and incident summary. She had struggled to finish detailing the incident yesterday, it felt like a slight taunt toward her failure when she read it, let alone when she wrote it. It was nothing more than doing the things her friends liked, but every one of them had turned into a disaster. She hadn’t been able to bring herself to do a single one of them like someone normal would do.

The brainwashing stuck in her mind, the way her friends would almost lifelessly stare at her with shrunken obedient eyes. She had done that, she had altered their behavior enough that the gaze she got should have been the first clue something was incorrect about what she did. But it didn’t, it simply seemed like the right solution for efficiency. It seemed that she would be able to mark each task off of her list and settle all unfinished lessons at once, but she’d messed that up.

Ponies were so frustrating to deal with sometimes, the way they would try to fight every little thing she offered as a plan simply to suit themselves. She understood some of their points, sure, but the way they looked at her like she had no idea what she was doing. The way they stared at her as though everything she said was wrong and she was only serving to disappoint Twilight by even daring to attempt the lessons in the first place - and now she had proven them right by a means that they probably hadn’t even considered.

She felt like her mana bank was warming simply from the stress of thinking about it, and she used a hoof to itch the tingling notches in her horn. At that, she knew this assignment wasn’t getting done by sitting here and stewing, she typically took this habitual irritation as a show that it was time to destress. She stood to ditch her assignment, still having time for it tomorrow if needed, and grabbed the pieces of a couple different disassembled kites before shoving them into a saddlebag and teleporting out of the room.

She didn’t go far from the castle, the plains with faint hills behind it just past a small river only served as a perfectly open space for wind to travel easily. With the river flowing between her and the rest of Ponyville, she felt just isolated enough to be comfortable with herself and the lack of expectations that could reach her.

Pulling out the kite pieces, she started assembling them with a subconscious level of practiced ease while she looked through the bag at her handle options. She’d easily slotted the spars into the pockets at the corners of the diamond-shaped nylon, used to having to slightly bend the last spar at the top a bit due to the dihedral nature of the simple design.

She planned to pull out her other kite later, once she’d settled sufficiently, but it took her a moment to decide between her yo-yo spool and her bar handle. She decided that, considering the nature of her current free time, she should use the yo-yo spool as it was the easier of the two options to use without magic due to it sitting around one’s hoof with bracelet-like ease.

She tied the line with a practiced ease in her magic, securing it on the free end of the split string that was already attached to the nylon near the top and bottom. Using her magic to give the diamond some distance from herself after checking the air direction, she faced west of the castle and as she could feel the breeze tug on the cloth she slowly let it gain in the air despite being able to put it there directly if she pleased.

There was a small satisfaction as the breeze gently pulled the kite in the air, one that she wouldn’t dare shortcut with her own magic. Simply going through the process gave her a little more peace as she then settled on the grass, enjoying the faint tug of the wind as she loosened some more string from the spool with a turn.

As she sat there, thoughts ran through her mind that she knew would have been far quicker and harsher if not for her gaze on the free flier in front of her. She knew her actions in the castle over her lesson had been a manifestation of her defaulting to the same control she had in Our Town. That she’d snapped backward when she was sure that she could never be genuine friends with the group without a magical tether to ease the process. It definitely helped her realize that using spells on friends in itself was just not a good thing, especially after Rainbow had shouted that fact at her.

Guilt still settled on every strand of her wind-brushed coat, but she wasn’t sure how to proceed from here. She’d made up with the victims of her brainwashing, again, and now was stuck at the thought that she really didn’t deserve a talent in spell-weaving. She was starting to think that maybe she should just avoid it altogether again, she could write and cast most spells with ease, she didn’t need to keep inventing highly calibrated hybrid spells. A thought crossed her mind once again that she’d calibrated her recent brainwashing spell incorrectly but that was defeated by the thought that the entire act was incorrect altogether.

She ruminated on the idea, unsure of what she could do to keep herself from doing such a thing again. It was so easy to prioritize efficiency, order and control over the consideration of others. She knew it was far easier for her than most ponies, but she’d proven she was nearly no different from before. She still wanted to blame cutie marks and talents, she still couldn’t imagine trying to create functional friendships without the upper hoof, she had really missed the point of her lessons.

A small shift in the wind caught her attention, the gentle and willful kind. She looked around and immediately to her left she saw a familiar yellow pegasus approaching after landing in the grass gracefully. Her comfort in the breeze shifted to discomfort as it was as though a sanctuary had been stepped into. But she knew Fluttershy would likely be too delicate to make anything worse, so she was able to ease herself a little.

The pegasus spoke as she approached, her back carrying saddlebags and her tone as soft as the plush grass beneath them, “Hey Starlight, how are you doing?”

Starlight didn’t want the small talk, but polite intentions reigned, “I’m doing just fine, enjoying the breeze with my kite. Did you need me for something?”

Fluttershy tilted her head unsurely from one side to the other, “I don’t need anything. But I was hoping we could spend some time together, i-if you’re okay with that.”

The unicorn noted that she seemed a little more nervous than usual, which she really didn’t blame her for. But she couldn’t find an excuse to continue to isolate herself as she had been, so she decided she may as well integrate Fluttershy completely. She then gave a playful smirk, “Sure, but this is kite flying time. So you have to fly a kite.”

The pegasus then looked around them, smiling kindly, “I can do that, where would I get one from?”

Starlight rolled her eyes a little, knowing the mare genuinely meant she would go purchase one if needed to the point that the unicorn slightly chuckled about it. She then used her magic to pull the yo-yo spool from her own hoof grip and held it out in an aquamarine aura, “Here, I have another one in my bag.” She supposed she’d been flying her diamond kite long enough to warrant swapping to the other one anyway - or rather that was her excuse as bar handles were more difficult with hooves. But she watched for a short few seconds just to be sure the pegasus was maintaining the kite well.

Her second kite was far more complex, a three-section box kite with crossing spar supports at each section of indigo-colored nylon. Due to frequent practice she found it quite easy to assemble even though this one was far harder. It wasn’t manufactured like the diamond kite, but she put quite the care into giving it minor notches and fluctuations in the poles that allowed her to work with it easier and with easier measurement guidance.

She used square lashing knots on each of the dozen ends of the three crossing internal supports in connection with the spars that maintained the corners of its box-shape. It surprised her she was able to maintain the focus with the pegasus watching her, likely only due to how quiet she was as she watched. Starlight then latched on the nylon within the faintly thinner portions of the spars that had been sanded down just enough to settle the trio of fabric strips flush with the bars so they wouldn’t move.

After she latched the three sections of fabric she then tied two more strings in another cross as she tied them to opposing corners of one of the long sides of the kite before tying the string on her bar handle to the space where they crossed over. She once again used her magic to distance the device from herself and allow it to rise naturally once it caught the air and maintained her hold on its handle with her magic.

It was as though her nerves had traveled down the string and were held in the distance of the kite, away from her where she could think with more ease. After a bit of quiet, Starlight knew the mare could probably sit there for ages before addressing whatever she actually came for. Starlight decided to rip off the bandaid and ask, “So, how are you feeling after the spells I did?”

She only looked at the mare for a moment to see her now sitting in the grass with her saddlebag between them where Starlight’s also was. Fluttershy started her answer before Starlight was looking back at her kite, “Oh, all the side effects have already cleared up for me. A-and I was never really upset about it, it was just a bit surprising.”

Starlight scoffed a little, the peace of her kites and the breeze making it easier to speak her mind, “I know I caused you trouble with your animals, Fluttershy. And while I’ve heard each of you forgive me you don’t have to try to pretend that it’s all okay already.”

She glanced over as Fluttershy seemed to shrink away just a little, which only made the unicorn’s guilt to pulse. But the pegasus answered her, seeming to regain a bit of confidence after a second, “I do forgive you. Yes, it was a bit inconvenient to lose a night of sleep calming the animals, and a little scary to not be in control of myself.” There was a pause, Starlight unable to answer before the mare added, “But I’m more worried about you than I am about all of that.”

The unicorn became unable to look at her kite lingering in the air as she looked at the pegasus with some shock. She glanced around nervously after a second of eye contact, “I don’t know what there is to be worried about here. I mean, clearly I’m not short of magical strength, and I’m even enjoying some nice kite flying.” She then quickly returned to watching her kite as if trying to prove it.

To her surprise, after a couple seconds, Fluttershy spoke, “I know what it’s like to shut yourself away for doing something bad.”

Starlight felt her magical hold on the kite flicker for a half-second in shock. She almost lost the bar to gravity before quickly settling it back in her magical grasp. With a tone of slight incredulity she then asked, “You? Fluttershy, the element of kindness, did something bad enough to isolate yourself?”

She watched as the pegasus gave a hesitant nod, her mane covering the eye opposing Starlight but she could tell she was hiding behind it out of habit. Fluttershy then continued, “I got really mean for a little while. I’d gone to assertiveness training but the lessons weren’t very kind, and it was so nice not to be pushed around that I lost myself in it. When I realized what I’d become I locked myself away in my own cottage, and if it weren’t for Pinkie and Rarity I would have probably never come out again.”

Starlight took a second to process the story, and then to process Fluttershy’s purpose here. She then offered her conclusion, “And you’re sharing this with me because you think I’m about to start to do the same thing.”

Fluttershy nodded again, regaining strength in her posture, “I don’t want that for you. I mean, you’ve already taken yourself out of those magic lessons today. And you’re clearly thinking about what happened.”

Starlight let out a slightly amused breath, returning to looking at her box kite, “That is how self-reflection works sometimes. But you don’t have to worry about that, I live with Twilight and Spike, I couldn’t truly isolate myself even if I tried.”

The pegasus then spoke with an almost uncharacteristic firmness to her gentle tone, “I think we both know that you don’t have to be isolated from ponies to separate yourself from them.”

The unicorn wanted to be bothered by the statement, but they both knew that the last thing she said was an aim to avoid admitting what Fluttershy had said. It was the very reason she picked kites over taking the newly freed time to talk it out with Twilight or Spike. She was unsure how to respond to the statement, as they both knew Fluttershy had caught her.

Instead, her gaze was caught by the mare pulling out a thermos from her saddlebag that she used to hold the spool for a moment while she pulled out cups. There was an awkward moment while Fluttershy was setting up the tea for both of them, getting Starlight to shortly admit her preference for a lack of sugar before it became a quiet kites and tea party.

She could tell from Fluttershy’s features that when she held onto the spool she was actually genuinely watching and soaking in the breeze alongside the kite. Starlight wondered what a kite looked like to somepony else, and as a byproduct wondered what tea was like for other ponies. But as she waited in the quiet, soaking in the atmosphere of peace that she hadn’t expected to regain in another's presence, it tempted her to break it.

Starlight didn’t want to do anything to ruin it, but she felt this urge to share. It was the same comfort she felt around Trixie and Spike, just far more muted by her own guilt over what happened a couple days ago. She then worked her way to starting conversing again by speaking softly, “Thanks for sharing that, Fluttershy.”

The pegasus returned a gentle, “Of course, anytime.” She watched the mare for a moment, who gave her the faintest glance before smiling a little into her tea as she drank it.

Starlight knew she was ready to backslide into the distant silence given the chance, but the small start seemed to close the gap in her mind. She then started, maintaining the quieter air around them, “I hate to admit it, but I’m a bit scared at the fact that I seemed to be backsliding. I mean, you saw what I was, it’s clearly not completely gone.”

Wind-whisked silence held for a moment before Fluttershy chose to answer when Starlight seemed to be waiting for it, “I don’t think those parts of us are ever completely gone, Starlight. It’s just up to us to learn how to find how much of it can be good so we can manage the bad parts properly.”

Starlight immediately took that to heart, as it appeared evident in everypony in some manner the more she considered it. She had never considered that passing through this mindset she seemed to be stuck in would mean laying it dormant rather than completely extinguishing it. But she could see it a little clearer when it was stated like that. A small doubt bubbled to the surface when she once again realized just what she had done. She realized how it may look to an outsider, like maybe she was trying to take over again.

She hoped that some explanation would help, and despite her nerves at sharing she took the risk of continuing, “I’ve always had trouble making decisions without magic as a solution, without full control of a situation in which I could manipulate things however I needed. It was the only way I knew how to do things after I left home, it was the only way I knew how to protect myself. I assumed that I’d been learning from Twilight long enough to be able to trust my own judgment, that what I knew what right and wrong was now.”

Starlight couldn’t look at the mare beside her, pausing just to sigh as she couldn’t even look at the kite anymore, “I wanted to impress Twilight with my progress, with efficiency. But when I got overwhelmed with all of you talking to me at once, knowing more than me even though I was so sure I understood the lessons. I panicked and defaulted back to using magic because I know magic. I shouldn’t have gotten so scared around all of you, about everything you all wanted to do with me.“

She could only bring herself to look for a second as the silence felt tense to her, and when she saw the pegasus mare all she saw was a slightly guilty expression. The split-second eye contact seemed to urge Fluttershy to speak, “I shouldn’t have put that pressure on you, Starlight. It’s never fun to have a group of ponies putting more pressure on you when you’re already nervous. I’m sorry.”

Starlight found her gaze quickly snapping back to the mare as she quickly spoke, slightly defensive in tone, “I don’t blame you at all, I should be able to handle a little noise and a little pressure. I wronged you, I took away your free will for a few hours just because I was set on edge. Being on edge doesn’t mean I’m not completely responsible for this.”

She watched Fluttershy’s expression of guilt slowly become a gentle smile, “I know that, Starlight. And now that I know the reasons behind your actions I’m glad to know that I was right to forgive you. The point of being Twilight’s pupil is to learn, and it’s pretty clear to me that you’re doing that.”

Starlight wondered what lesson it was that was happening. She realized that she’d shifted all the blame to herself rather than falling into her tendency to blame her cutie mark or talent for everything bad that occurred. It was slightly relieving to be honest with herself about where the blame was as it seemed to untangle her mind a little. She knew that this moment of contemplation and reflection wasn’t something she did often, neither did she like to confide in others like this. Risking trusting her new friends, even a little, always seemed to be a step in the right direction recently.

She wondered how much of this the pegasus could see, what it looked like from her perspective. It took her a moment to realize that accepting Fluttershy’s presence so clearly was also her avoiding the isolation that the mare was worried about. Then she thought that the pegasus might have simply been talking about her remorse about the incident altogether, which felt rational considering the mare couldn’t read minds.

The unicorn took a deep breath as the guilt sunk in, not even noticing the silence she had left between them. She returned her gaze to her kite as it gently wavered with the force of the breeze, “I suppose I am learning, I didn’t expect friendship to be this intimidating. Or difficult. Or even that I could make so much of a mess.”

Fluttershy then gently offered, “It should get easier with practice. But if you’re still worried about the others, I’m sure sharing more about where you’re coming from would help. And I could join you, if you feel like you need the support.”

Starlight immediately shook her head, feeling like this moment was already enough progress for a little while. She did find herself slightly smiling, which she hadn’t expected from herself, “I appreciate the offer. But I might need to think about everything more before I even attempt to talk to the others again. This conversation was far more helpful than I expected.”

She watched the pegasus chuckle happily before returning to her kite, “I’m glad, I would have hated to ruin your free time.”

The pair continued to settle in the grass, slowly working their way through the tea. The gentle wisps of the open air helped the thoughts brought up by the conversation sink deeper into Starlight. She had been waiting for everything to crumble, but everything was not only still intact, her slowly growing sense of hope felt once again reinforced.

Author's Note:

When I had planned everything for this series of stories I couldn't ignore the momentary inspiration I got from Doctor Disco's story Once Upon a Villain over Fluttershy and Starlight connecting over this linking point so I had made a different version for my project. This was the only other completed segment I had prepared for this project and figured there was no harm sharing it as a one-shot.

Comments

[Starlight Fan]

Thank goodness, a story about ELTSD that isn’t bashing Starlight constantly. What a relief.

[starcoder]

This story is only your second, but it's doing so well, just like your first! The emotions, the actions, basically everything are so well-written. Your work is amazing!

[Catpaw616]

You're really good at conveying the emotions and actions in this story. Have a favorite and a follow. Can't wait to see more Starlight stories from you 👍

[AizakkuHorooee]

I just read your stories last night and this morning. They were really neat reads. Great job adding to Starlight Glimmer's Season 6 character arc.