Fallout: Equestria - Lovely New Pegasus

by No one is home

Honest Apple Pt-1

“Dammit, I HATE Neighton. The whole settlement is literally nothing but shit kickers.” I’m probably complaining a lot because I really don’t like this settlement. “They need to just repaint a billboard. ‘Now with extra whores!’”

“Well, if my navigation subroutine is anything to go by, you have at least 24 hours to worry about that.” Jackie really is just great.

“Damn NCR got the hell hounds all riled up, or we could just take the north road…” I’m not whining. I’m not!

“Well Princess say’s we gotta follow up on the lead on Winner.” Why she gotta be so reasonable?

“Checkers is a much better name!” My girl perks to attention. She rides comfortable. I briefly wonder if there was a time she wasn’t there.

“It really is.” I’m not lyin’. That ponys parents must have really hated him.”

“Seriously, though, I really hate Neighton…” The red bars just casually pop up in my SATS.

“Targets acquired!” I can’t suppress my laugh as we prance up to the old fuel stop. Yes, I pranced, don’t judge me.

“I was out, what, less than a week? And we got Trouser Snakes in the old Ponico.” I slide my 10 mm out of it’s holster by the mouth grip. “Trouser Snakes are like bottom shelf raiders. I mean, Powder Gangers might be the new bottom rung, but still, they let themselves be called Trouser Snakes.”

“Are you prancing?” Jackie’s screen raises an eyebrow with a flat expression.

“Don’t judge me. A stallion can love his job.” I count three raiders outside. Four more in the station according to Sweet’s data feed.

“This is a desirable trait in a companion!” Sweets proclaims casting her hoofsie wide. “Friendship points have been awarded!”

“Keep being the best Sweets! Also give me active firing trajectories for my 10 mm, but hold off taking any shots yourself… unless it’s just a really fun shot of course.” The raiders scramble around while I prance in place as parts of my brain come back alive. “I’m feeling kinda shooty, today, ya know?”

“And you think it’s just okay to just roll in and murder these ponies?” I’m not even sure if that’s a real question. I mean I trust Jackie, but…

“Yeah?” I am respectively reserved and willing to hear her out.

“All the Yas!” Sweets agrees with me in all her autotuned glory.

“Wait a minute… what’s wrong with their horns?” As we get closer Jackie notices the thing…

“They don’t have horns. The Trouser Snakes are an earth pony gang.” I reply as I line up my first shot.

“Wait… are those… strapped to their heads?!?!” Jack-E is adorable, I swear.

“Yeah. They just all strap mare toys on their heads.” I explain as rationally as I can. “It’s their raider cosplay. It’s convenient really… makes my job way funnier… These are the trouser snakes…”

The trajectories play in green lines across my brain. “At least yer memory is coming back. That’s something.”

“That’s the fun part, Jackie.” Three shots, two Snakes. The third shot is extranous. It is not my fault they didn’t flat-line sooner. Headshot but they kept running. Like some kind of chicken-pony. “I’m starting to understand the ‘why’ of it.”

“You mean like why you think killing these ponies is fun?” I can’t see her screen, but I know which face she’s giving me.

“Jackie, they strap rubber dongs to their heads and rape ponies. It is not my fault they go out of their way to make themselves fun to kill.” I feel like I have a strong defense. “I’m not the one who dressed them up like that and told them to start a weird desert sex-cult.”

A timid Trouser Snake head pokes out from behind cover, just in time to get vaporized by Sweet’s head-laser, as she cheerfully proclaims: “Nopony has to die here today!”

“You said the words!” Our hooves clop in unity.

I don’t have to look back to see the raised eyebrow on Jackie’s screen. Just then, a raider stands up and takes aim in the window of the fuel stop. “This is just like that vidja game ‘Braeburn’s Alley’!” I manage to get two shot’s in before they collapse. “Can you guys keep doing that? I loved that game!”

“Wait, this isn’t what it looks like!” I hear a mare shout from inside. “It’s just a toll stop! We’re just trying keep the roads rolling since we heard the Couriers fell! We only rape ponies who can’t pay the toll! We’re totally reformed now!”

Author's Note:

Oh, no it's one of those pesky dialogue trees! Followed by Ultraviolence. The Trouser Snakes really seemed like they've turned a courner...