Guilt

It was a normal Tuesday morning. The sun had just risen over the horizon, but Fluttershy was already at work feeding her animal friends. Tuesdays were always a bit more hectic than the rest of the week, because even though she enjoyed having a bit of free time to spend with friends every day, Tuesday was special. It was the day when Discord would come over for their teaparty, and she wanted to get everything done as soon as possible so they could spent as much time as possible together.

After she had finished feeding the animals around her cottage, she sighed. It hadn’t been long since Twilight’s coronation. Since the defeat of Chrysalis, Cozy and Tirek. Thinking about it sent shivers down her spine. But the worst thing was that Discord still hadn’t forgiven himself for putting them all at risk. No matter how often her friends told him that everything was fine, he didn’t care. He tried to hide his feelings from everypony, and most ponies let themselves get fooled. But she didn’t. She was his best friend, she knew how he felt, and it hurt her. It hurt to know that he decided to carry this burden. It hurt to know that he didn’t accept the forgiveness of their friends. It hurt to see his face when he felt guilty during their teaparties. That was the reason why she made sure that they were better every week. To show him how much she appreciated his friendship.

***************

The afternoon came faster than she expected, and she found herself sitting on the edge of her seat, staring at the clock. One minute before four o’clock. Discord would show up any second now. The tea was already brewing, the teacups were standing ready, and there was a free place for the cucumber sandwiches he brought every time. The clock hit four, and she felt a shiver running down her spine as a silent knock on her door was heard. She jumped up and opened the door. There stood Discord, a bouquet of flowers in his claw and the sandwiches in his paw. “Hello, my dear Fluttershy.” He bowed.

Fluttershy giggled. “Hello, Discord. Come in! The tea should be ready any minute now.” He hesitated a second with an unsure look, and she felt a short pain in her chest. “It’s ok, Discord. Just come in. A nice cup of tea will raise your mood.” Slowly he shuffled in, his eyes staring at the ground.

Today was one of Discord’s worse days. The sandwiches didn’t start flying around, and the teakettle didn’t whistle a symphony. Instead, they drank their tea in silence. Fluttershy knew that putting pressure on the draconequus could lead to him getting upset, so she waited for him to start a conversation.

As they finished their second cup, Discord raised his eyes to look at her the first time since they sat down. “Fluttershy–” he cleared his throat ”–I’m sorry for ruining this lovely teaparty. I know that I am a bit of a partypooper at the moment.” He raised from the seat. “I think I shou–“

“You stay right where you are, mister,” Fluttershy said with a stern face. “This is our teaparty. You aren’t ruining anything. I enjoy your presence, no matter if we talk for hours or sit in silence, just sipping our tea.” She waited until Discord had settled back into his seat, then her face softened. “You know you can talk with me about everything. That’s what friends are there for.”

Discord gritted his teeth, his face turning into a grimace of pain for a splitsecond. “And that’s just it, my dear Fluttershy. Friends should talk about everything. But all I did was putting everypony in danger. I told nopody about my plans because I wanted Twilight to see that she could do everything. I didn’t think about the risks involved. I brought them together, but I did not expect them to work together that well. After having seen how Sombra ignored everything I said and barging off on his own, I thought that they would never reach beyond a simple cooperation. But I was wrong. They teamed up to betray me. I didn’t see it because I didn’t expect it! My actions could have doomed all of Equestria, if not the whole world. Because I thought I was helping. I am not a friend, I am a danger, a bomb ready to explode any moment.”

Fluttershy slowly walked over to him and put her hoof on his reptilian leg. “We all have our flaws, Discord. You helped us to defeat them in the end. You trusted us to overcome this obstacle. Why can’t you trust us to forgive you?”

Discord bared his teeth. “Because I don’t deserve this forgiveness! I deserve to be punished. But everypony acts like nothing happened,” his head turned into the head of a foal, “‘Oh, look, there’s Discord! Let’s go chat with the monster that almost destroyed us all. He’s a sweet guy, isn’t he?’ No, I am not. Not too long ago, I would have laughed when those three showed up. Maybe I would have joined them. Remember, I fell for Tirek once.”

Fluttershy shook her head. “And you remember how it ended? You helped us defeat him. You helped us open the chest. You showed Twilight what being a friend can mean. Without you, we wouldn’t have had a chance against him. Do you remember the changelings? How they managed to abduct and impersonate all of us? You rescued us. Not alone, but with friends. You are a hero, Discord, not a monster or a villain. Yes, you made a mistake, but everypony makes mistakes. You do not deserve to be punished for it. And you should not try to punish yourself by feeling like you can’t be forgiven. You try your best, and that’s all we can ask for.”

Again, they sat there, silent. Fluttershy didn’t want to interrupt Discord’s thoughts but waited for him to make the next step. She knew it would take him some time and some more tries to accept what she said. After all, they had gone through the same process when he had sided with Tirek. But she had been there for him back then, and she was here for him now. He needed her, and she was happy to help him.

After another half an hour, Discord cleared his throat again. “Fluttershy, why do I deserve somepony like you at my side? Not only have I endangered everypony else, but I have endangered you. I know you don’t exactly like me playing favorites here, but if I had to choose between you and everypony else, you know I would choose you. And still, I have betrayed your trust. Everything you stand for, everything you have done for me. I know that forgiveness is part of friendship, but I fear that there is an end to this forgiveness. I fear that I will loose your friendship one day because I screw up again. If I do not punish myself, how can I be sure that I learned the lesson?”

“You have to trust yourself. We all trust you. Doesn’t our trust mean anything to you?”

“It means everything to me. Your trust, your friendship, your care, your…” he stopped speaking, his face cringing in pain for a second.

Fluttershy smiled, knowing what he implied, but after a second, her face changed to a mask of sadness. “Discord. I know how you feel. But we both know it could never work out between us. This way, your pain will fade in time. If I would reciprocate your feelings, it would hurt a lot more when I am gone. I couldn’t ask you to bear this pain.” She sighed.

“I know, we have talked about it more than once. I understand what you say. But it still hurts, you know?” The draconequus shrunk in size. “You worry about a future in which you will not be here anymore. You care about every creature that is and will be. It’s one of your best attributes. I don’t even manage to care about me.”

Fluttershy put her forelegs around him. “I wish you would see the world through my eyes one day. You’re immortal. You will see all those creatures that will be in the future. Creatures I won’t be able to see. Creatures I won’t be able to care for. That’s why I want you to feel about them the way I do, and not let pain or guilt consume you.” She buried her face in his fur to hide the tears running out of her eyes before she could regain her composure. “As my friend, you will be my legacy to this world.”

Discord tried to smile. “You know I have powers unlike any other being. I could make sure you see the future at my side. Please, Fluttershy. If you are gone one day, who else will make sure I don’t do something stupid again?”

She shook her head again. “I know you could do that. We have had this conversation before. Just like I can’t ask you to bear the pain of loosing me–“

“–I can’t ask you to bear the pain of seeing your friends wither and die, I know. But what if I am willing to try it? Maybe it’ll hurt more to loose a lover than a good friend, yes. But I am immortal. I want to remember you the way I want to see you: happy. For me, time is nothing. I will see so many years, so many people live and die. I will experience much pain in the rest of my existence, if there even will be an end to it. But you? You are mortal. You deserve to be happy, my dear. Nopony deserves it more than you. Don’t worry about me. Isn’t it my decision if I want to risk this pain?”

Fluttershy breathed in deeply. “Yes. But I would know what you would go through because of me. I would know that my happiness would only cause you pain in the future. And...and I don’t want that.”

Discord let his head hang low as he embraced her. “I know, my dear. I know.”

***************

They stayed in their embrace until the moon rose. Two lovers who decided not to love each other. As Discord took his leave, Fluttershy laid down on her couch. “Maybe one day, Discord. Maybe one day…” she whispered to herself as she felt her heart break once again.

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