• Member Since 23rd Sep, 2014
  • offline last seen July 5th

Lilim


Italian pegasister

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Comments ( 27 )

but Fluttershy found it actually refreshing

Actually should go before Found.

so she had decided to come back walking slowly instead of flying

So she had decided to slowly walk back home instead of flying, would read less clunkily.

the familiar landscape in a mesmerizing black canvas

Into.

she left her mind wander between

Let.

sudden realisation freezed her thoughts

Froze.

New responsabilities

Responsibilities.

busy in the last period.

Busy for the last few weeks.

but something about it catched

Caught.

the yellow pegasus coudn't help to smile,

Couldn't.

But.

admiring tens lanterns dancing on the surface

I don't even know what's that was supposed to be.

Fluttershy even forgot to think

Fluttershy forgot to even think.

It felt like find again something she didn't know was lost

It felt like finding something she didn't even know was lost.

in the gran finale

Grand.

so I prefered just to

Preferred.

Besides, everyone had already forgiven you

Has.

bound to eachother

Each other.

Also, when writing dialogue, each character's speech should be in a separate paragraph, which should also contain whatever actions they're performing at the time, too.

Other than that, I highly recommend - especially if English isn't your first language, which I'm tentatively assuming to be the case - getting a pre-reader who can sort out some of those clunky phrases and poor grammatical choices.

But it's a sweet story and I enjoyed reading it. Good luck with your future works. :pinkiesmile:

5122924 thank you! I'm actually italian, you were right. This was just a little experiment: I hope to improve my english through precious corrections like yours. I will edit as soon as possible! Thanks again, sei stata gentilissima <3

5123151

You're quite welcome. Buona fortuna per il futuro. :pinkiesmile:

This was so cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuute!! :raritystarry: For English not being your first language, this was quite impressive. You write for the characters really well too!

Daww, this is so sweet. Loved it :twilightsmile:

5124291 Thanks! It means a lot to me :yay: I saw you are a fluttercord fan too: I can't wait to read your stories :heart:

5125200 Thank you! I'm really glad you liked it :twilightsmile:

this was so cooooooool I love it
Keep up with the great work
:rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::pinkiehappy::raritywink:

5126156 Thank you soooooooo much! :raritywink: I'm really glad you liked it :heart:

Though I'm a FlutterBulk fan myself, I really enjoyed this. Your descriptions were wonderfully vivid and you've got a good grasp on the characters. There were a few errors, but nothing so major as to make me stop reading. A wonderful little story! :pinkiehappy:

5125937 You...you will read them? :raritystarry: Oh that makes me so happy! Thank you! Please let me know what you think of them if you do! No worries, though!

This was pretty cute.

Three things:

One, be a little more careful to mention that the light comes from the flower-things. Before they all light up, it is not completely obvious that the light comes from the one she has picked up.

Two: Enlightening is a weird word to use about a bridge, as it is mostly used in a metaphorical sense, about getting wiser and stuff.

Three: You really need to divide the conversation better. Either make sure to have a clear "he/she said" or a variant of it after each sentence or split the sentences like:

"I didn't know it should be like this."
"Well, now you know, dear."

In my opinion it is best to do also make sure to have lots of mannerisms. So, at least after every second sentence, put in some sort of action or description, be it a turn of head, hoof, hand or a description of feeling, surrounding or face.

Happy writing.

This was really cute :twilightsmile: just remember next time to take a new line whenever the speaker changes, to avoid confusion

5127297 Thank you so much! I'm really glad you liked my story, it means a lot to me :heart: I saw you wrote about the pie family: I can't wait to read your stories! :twilightsmile:

5127649 Thank you! And thanks for your notes.
1. It must be because I pictured the scene in my mind so many times that it was actually quite obiouvs for me, I'll be more careful next time
2. Sorry, english isn't my mother tongue and I simply found the verb in the dictionary, i didn't know about the metaphorical sense
3. I'm sorry again, but it's just an habit of mine. I will begin a new line for every sentence to make the dialog clear, but it's really necessary to add every time "she replied" or something like that? I'm asking only because I always thought it could be boring for the reader, and that it would it be more interesting to imagine a reaction or the tone instead of reading it. I'm totally a noob in the fanfiction world so maybe I got it wrong. Ops :rainbowderp:
Anyway, thanks again!

5129863 Thank you! :heart: I'm glad you liked it. And thanks for the advice!

5130111

I know the problem with writing a scene that is so clear that you manage to write something that isn't quite obvious. The only cures for that are a) practice and b) Writing the piece, having a good break and then proofreading, while being careful to watch for this kind error. And all the others.

With regards to the speech thing. Varying your writing is the keyword. Variants on "replied" makes it easier to read, because long strings of comments without either "saidisms" or actions that aren't speech can get confusing for the reader. Imagine a long string like:
"a"
"b"
"a"
"b"
and so on. If you lose track, you might have to go back to the place where you had it figured who said what and then begin again. And remember, conversation doesn't happen in a void. Mentioning what people do while they talk makes the scene more vivid and makes the characters more characteristic. So no, you don't need "he said", "she said" all the time, but use more of them and many more descriptions of body language as well as changing lines.

Good first try. Room for improvement, but great start.

Happy writing.

Great story and a nice try :pinkiehappy:.
English isn't my first language either. :pinkiecrazy:
Still couple of mistakes left here and there :unsuresweetie: but good job. I enjoyed it quite a bit. If you want i can point them out, if not that's alright.

Looking forward to a sequel :twilightblush:

5185034 Thank you! I'm glad you liked it :yay: and it would be great if you could point out my mistakes: I will edit as soon as i can :pinkiesad2: Thanks also for the favorite :heart:
P.s. If I am allowed to ask, where are you from?

5187410
“Angel: she didn't want him to fell neglected,”
feel fell = fall

“[ size=0.5em]and maybe I was missing you just a little bit[/size ]”
well ... that's the way it came out for me when I downloaded .epub version.

“Oh, it's all right dear, I know I wasn' expected. I suppose I got caught in too many...productive plans...lately and I let too much time pass from my last visit". ”
wasn' => wasn't (unless that was actually on purpose)
up until just now i was thinking more along the lines of "productive plans lately... and" :facehoof: but then I started arguing with myself :twilightangry2:

“You now, I'm a little tired, but not sleepy at all.”
know

Just small insignificant errors that you can blame on "auto-correct" :pinkiehappy:

:pinkiegasp: Oh, and yeah ... I'm Russian :pinkiesmile: though I'm in the US now.

5188040 Thank you again! :twilightsmile: and how lucky you are, now I'm living in France: sometimes between french, english and italian I get a little confused :pinkiecrazy:

There's a nice atmosphere coming from the descriptions of their surroundings. And I enjoyed their interactions and could see it happening. Very sweet, I'm only upset it was so short. Ahh well.

5382428 Thank you very much! :heart: I'm really glad you liked it :yay: I'm sorry, I know it's short, but it was just a little experiment.

When you favorited my story, I took a look at your profile page. And thank goodness I did, for I would not have found this marvelous little gem!!:raritystarry: Your story is so cute and beautiful!

5720057 Thank you so so much! :pinkiesad2: it means a lot coming from an author like you! :heart:

Well I can say the same to you!! You have a gift, and the fact that you are sharing it here for everyone is a wonderful thing! Don't stop doing what you do! :pinkiehappy::raritystarry::twilightsmile:

Whouaaa , it's so cute !

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