I'm going to assume that this is your first story, and if so, congratulations. That being said, this does feel like a first story. This felt very fast-paced, not helped by the large number of short sentences you used. I really think you should have slowed this down, added more detail, and spent some more time proofreading on this. If you had done that, I think this could have been pretty good.
I'm going to assume that this is your first story, and if so, congratulations. That being said, this does feel like a first story. This felt very fast-paced, not helped by the large number of short sentences you used. I really think you should have slowed this down, added more detail, and spent some more time proofreading on this. If you had done that, I think this could have been pretty good.