Shit >.> YOU MAKING ME A KIDNAPPER
ASSHOLE
...
+1 and fave

Edit: Dam man, you really need to do somthing about the HUGE block text. and use "Quote"

media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lnk77kmyBL1qk7u37.gif

fc04.deviantart.net/fs38/i/2008/322/6/c/Grammar_Natzee__Wall_O___Text_by_dinyctis.jpg

I like it. Am I a bad person?

1307405:
You like it?
ponypic.com/?v=Zw6lV.gif
XD, but really now.....i don't care if you do.

Now this.......just by your user name I'm all: .....................Whoa

google.com.my/search?hl=en&sugexp=les%3B&cp=13&gs_id=t&xhr=t&q=middle+finger&safe=off&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.&um=1&ie=UTF-8&tbm=isch&source=og&sa=N&tab=wi&ei=CThbUIXmD4iIrAepl4DIAQ&biw=1024&bih=672&sei=DThbUKG-C4ntrQeQk4CADQ#biv=i|1;d|b9xcXMwt0mwswM:

That was so painful to read yet I finished it.

media.rob.nu/wp-content/uploads/2010/04/facepalm.gif

1307467

I wasn't exactly telling YOU that I like it. I was saying to everyone that I like it, because this is the comments section. I'm supposed to give my comment.

1315343
And as I said, I didn't care, and I don't. :3

*FLICK!* the lighter says breaking the silence of the basement. The lighter "says"??? Since when do... nevermind.

Okay, here are some errors you got:

> You use asterisks (*) for dialogues
> Incorrect: *You’re not that bad looking. Shame you live out of province…*
> Correct: ''You're not that bad looking, shame you live out of province...''

> Space your dialogues

> Incorrect: *Might as well lurk 4chan for a bit…* you say to yourself as you take another drag from your smoke. You pull up the site and aim for the same board you always go for to find jailbait. Before you do, you rev up those proxies. Last thing you need is to get party van’d. You’ve been to jail on a few occasions for little things being overly drunk, theft, arson, and stuff in your young adult years; but you don’t know how you did it but so far you never got put in for rape or murder. Efficiently was something you prided yourself on. If a mistake was made, you would never make it again. As you’re going for the panel you notice something new. *Pony?* you say to yourself as a new tab greets you on the front page. You stare in confusion. Out of curiosity you open it up. *What the hell is this?* you say as colorful ponies litter the board. You start to recall hearing about this thing over on /b/, though you never followed it. Something about a show for little girls. Suddenly a thread catches your attention.

>Correct:

´´Might as well lurk 4chan for a bit.'' You say to yourself as you take another drag from your smoke.

You pull up the site and aim for the same board you always go for to find jailbait. Before you do, you rev up those proxies. Last thing you need is to get party van’d. You’ve been to jail on a few occasions for little things being overly drunk, theft, arson, and stuff in your young adult years; but you don’t know how you did it but so far, you never got put in for rape or murder. Efficiently was something you prided yourself on. If a mistake was made, you would never make it again. As you’re going for the panel you notice something new.

''Pony?'' you ask to yourself, as a new tab greets you on the front page. You stare in confusion. Out of curiosity you open it up.

''What the hell is this?'' you say as colorful ponies litter the board. You start to recall hearing about this thing over on /b/, though you never followed it. Something about a show for little girls. Suddenly a thread catches your attention.

>Space your paragraphs
>Incorrect:

You both stare in silence. *A-are you a diamond dog?* the horse asks you still looking at you upside down. *A what?* you say confused. The rainbow horse rolls over and stands up. Judging from her size her head comes up just below your gut. *A diamond dog. You know ugly creatures that live underground and hoard gems. Judging from the smell of this place I thought you were one.* She says without sounding like she care while moving her head and looking around. That hit a nerve. *So let me get this straight, you show up in my house and start calling me an ugly creature without even telling me who you are? I could ask what the hell you are. From what I’m seeing you’re a flying horse that looks like someone dropped a bucket of paint on you.* you snap at her. She stops looking around and gives you an angry glare. Suddenly she spreads her little blue wings and floats into the air. *What did you say to me!? I’m not a horse, I’m a Pegasus pony! PE-GA-SUS PON-Y!* She says pushing her face into yours. You can feel her mane brush against your face as she glares at you with saucer panned eyes. *Fine you’re not a horse, but that’s doesn’t tell me why or how you got here.* you say backing up. You see her face release from anger and she calms down. *I don’t know, I was practicing my routine so I could get into the Wonderbolts one day…I was going for a sonic rainboom and then an odd portal opened up and then I ended up here.* She says as she crosses her hooves and flaps her wings. She’s just as confused by this turn of events. *What’s a Wonderbolt?* you ask her not familiar by the word. Her jaw drops and she gives me a worried look. *How do you not know what a Wonderbolt is!? They’re only the greatest flyer in all of Equestria!* She says as her wings start flapping harder. Now you’re getting more confused by this. *Equestria? Isn’t that a place in South Africa?* you answer back while remembering a book you were reading earlier. *What the flying feather are you talking about? Equestria is a land ruled by the two royal sisters.* She says back to you.

>Correct:

You both stare in silence. ''Are you a diamond dog?'' The horse asks you still looking at you upside down. ''What?'' you say confused. The rainbow horse rolls over and stands up. Judging from her size, her head comes up just below your gut.

''A diamond dog. You know ugly creatures that live underground and hoard gems. Judging from the smell of this place I thought you were one.'' She says without sounding like she care while moving her head and looking around. That hit a nerve.

''So let me get this straight, you show up in my house and start calling me an ugly creature without even telling me who you are? I could ask what the hell you are. From what I’m seeing you’re a flying horse that looks like someone dropped a bucket of paint on you.'' you snap at her.

She stops looking around and gives you an angry glare. Suddenly she spreads her little blue wings and floats into the air. ''What did you say about me? I’m not a horse, I’m a Pegasus pony! PE-GA-SUS PON-Y!'' She says pushing her face into yours. You can feel her mane brush against your face as she glares at you with saucer panned eyes. ''

Fine you’re not a horse, but that’s doesn’t tell me why or how you got here.'' you say backing up.

You see her face release from anger and she calms down. ''I don’t know, I was practicing my routine so I could get into the Wonderbolts one day…I was going for a sonic rainboom and then an odd portal opened up and then I ended up here.'' She says as she crosses her hooves and flaps her wings. She’s just as confused by this turn of events.

''What’s a Wonderbolt?'' you ask her not familiar by the word. Her jaw drops and she gives me a worried look.

''How do you not know what a Wonderbolt is!? They’re only the greatest flyers in all of Equestria!'' She says as her wings start flapping harder. Now you’re getting more confused by this.

''Equestria? Isn’t that a place in South Africa?'' you answer back while remembering a book you were reading earlier.

''What the flying feather are you talking about? Equestria is a land ruled by the two royal sisters.'' She says back to you.

>Extra Mistakes:
>Indent Paragraphs
>Comma uses
>Dialogue Spacing and Usage

If you need more help, here are some options:
1. Get an Editor
2. Get an Proof- Reader
3. Use Microsoft Word as your Editor
4. PM me

-|DJ Blitz|, TWE's Med Tempered-

1315350

Ah, now I see.

1320520

I respect you very much. You're just the kind of person this website needs!

...i.chzbgr.com/completestore/12/6/9/hPglsAlmNUyHLKURzNMk1g2.jpg

Does your keyboard have no quotation mark key?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! A RAPE FIC? WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?! God, if only I could thumbs-down this a thousand times.

Alright, let's take a look at this story.

Oh, good lord, the title and you username make me very scared. Coupled with that sad looking Rainbow Dash as a cover picture really puts a knot in my stomach.

I digress however, surely coincidence. Let's get this show on the road.

You're nothing but another human living in the world you're forced to deal with.

As opposed to something else?

Over time you wanted something thrilling and took the idea of kidnapping women for enjoyment. Overtime it got boring, but on one fateful day, something new happens to you....

What... I don't know if this is what people do for enjoyment. It's not exciting, it's fucked up. Right from the get go, you make the making it very difficult to like the main character. Wait, it's me, I'm kidnapping women for enjoyment. I'm an asshole.

And "Overtime"? What, am I getting payed double time for kidnapping people? Also, it gets boring? If this was something you did, toying with other human lives, how does it simply get boring? I'm starting to hope that this event that happens on this "fateful day" is the cops coming in and busting down my door, arresting my ass. Look at that, you make me want to get arrested. That's great.

Just for the record, I don't usually do descriptions, I just felt the need to point out some of my gripes with it.

The dim screen illuminates your darkened room, and the smell of old pizza and soda cans linger in the air.

This right here is a beautiful description... Well, it's setting atmosphere, so I can't really critique it beyond that.

You manage to grab and reach for your cigarettes near the monitor. You open the pack and notice you’re down to your last one. *Better head out soon and restock.* you say to yourself as you take it out and put it to your mouth.

How do you manage to grab and reach for something? Do you turn your hand into a fist before you reach to get it? Shouldn't it be "You reach to grab your lighter"?

Also I noticed that you're using asterisks instead of quotation marks. Why? It looks horrible, was it really so hard to just use quotation marks? Is your keyboard broken?

*FLICK!* the lighter says

And now the lighter is talking. That's amazing...

After it’s lit you put your lighter on the desk and inhale that glorious toxic.

Inhale the glorious toxic what? Toxic fumes? Toxic slime? Just kind of ended the sentence there, but that's what smoking does to you.

*Oooowwwwww…these sticks will kill me yet…*

Holy shit, I've never seen such an obnoxious smoker. I've seen people cough but not go "Ow" for a ridiculously long time and then say "the cigarettes are killing me". Oh, but I forgot, that was me smoking.

*You’re not that bad looking. Shame you live out of province…* you say as you check over a bunch of Facebook profiles of potential victims. It’s been a dry few weeks for you. Usually you could find women fresh for the picking everyday near your city. Maybe it’s because you’ve already taken all the good ones. It’s a shame though; even the good ones get boring after a while. You look up above your computer to your wall and smile. About 15 pictures of women varying from teens to women in their mid-30’s litter it. Each picture has an X crossed into it. All victims, most of them are smart enough to keep their mouth shut, while some…well, let’s just say they ended up being murdered and discarded into a nearby trash burning dump. You weren’t stupid though. You always made sure to clean up the body before you were getting rid of it. Every night before you killed them you always made them shower up and clean themselves down perfectly. There was a struggle, but that was the fun part of it. The more they struggled, the greater the urge to rape them. But you had to be restrained; the body had to be clean of any proof of you on them. The only thing you ever left was either bruised, and/or contusions on their necks. It started out fun for you but soon the fun left. They all just turned into objects to play with, to use and abuse, and to torture as you see fit. Now the rape is boring and you feel empty.

Where do I start with this paragraph? First off, way to just completely make my skin crawl. This is absolutely disgusting, I don't care if this is suppossed to be a dark fic, this is more a mental illness.

Way to be subtle about saying they were murdered to. You just came out and fucking said "Yeah, I killed them", almost as if you were insulting your reader's intelligence. "Yeah, they won't get if I allure to murdering the victims, they're dumb fucks, let me just spell it out." Also, do you have any idea how forensic science works? Forcing someone to shower before you kill them won't make it so the cops can't find you. Oh, and rape too now?

What in the living fuck is going on here? This is horrible so far, but I'm going to continue reading, and maybe if you're serious about this you'll actually take what I have to say into consideration.

*FIND SOMEONE TO RAPE YOU FAGGOT!*

Okay, this is almost humorous. What you meant was "Find someone to rape, you faggot" but instead you made it sound like you need to find someone to rape you.... Look, I'm correcting you on how to persuade yourself to commit sexual assault...

*I’m looking dick, but it’s no fun anymore.* you say rather annoyed to your crotch.*

No, just fucking no. This is getting too fucking weird. It's just so wrong.

Also, the dialogue makes it seems like you look like a dick. Instead of saying "I'm looking good today" it would be "I'm looking dick today".

*Might as well lurk 4chan for a bit…* you say to yourself as you take another drag from your smoke. You pull up the site and aim for the same board you always go for to find jailbait.

I know that 4chan is scary, but not as scary as this fucking story. Seriously, way to make it seem like everyone that goes on 4chan is as creepy as this fuck.

You’ve been to jail on a few occasions for little things being overly drunk, theft, arson, and stuff in your young adult years; but you don’t know how you did it but so far you never got put in for rape or murder.

By the way, it doesn't make it better to point out a massive plot hole in your story. It still makes the story ass.

As you’re going for the panel you notice something new.

Don't use "you're" and other contractions out of dialogue.

*Bunch of fucking autistics…* you grunt out and open the thread to see the other replies for another laugh. You scroll it and see more autistic nonsense

Are you literally trying to make this person an asshole? I've seen GTA characters with more of a conscience than this miserable fuck. Also, don't you mean scroll down?

>RAPE; and hit the submit button. It takes a few minutes before anyone notices but then the thread turns into a shitstorm of people calling you a faggot while others take your idea and start posting >RAPE as well. You laugh. *These fags are easy to troll.*

Do you even know this fandom? That wouldn't exactly be enough for a "shitstorm", I'll tell you that much.

At this point, because this story seems to be too long for it's own good, I'm just going to go over some glaring problems that I find.

That hit a nerve. *So let me get this straight, you show up in my house and start calling me an ugly creature without even telling me who you are? I could ask what the hell you are. From what I’m seeing you’re a flying horse that looks like someone dropped a bucket of paint on you.*

Oh, really?! Really! Are we supposed to feel bad for this horrible waste of maggot food after all we know? And is that really the best insult he can come up with? What kind of paint is that, rainbow paint that gets painted in a perfect rainbow patter? That's awesome, I want that shit.

*What did you say to me!? I’m not a horse, I’m a Pegasus pony! PE-GA-SUS PON-Y!*

I'm surprised, Rainbow Dash seems surprisingly in character as of right now.

*What the flying feather are you talking about? Equestria is a land ruled by the two royal sisters.*

What a boring way to describe Equestria. Really, of all the ways to describe it, that's how she does it?

As she starts for the stairs your eyes are drawn to her rainbow colored tail. You watch it move side to side and she walks away. You also notice that bit of pink barely noticeable but enough to draw you to it. Suddenly it feels like time itself goes into slow motion.

NO! Fucking, NOOOOOO! This... Isn't... Happening!

*WILL YOU STOP STALLING AND FUCKING GET THAT PONY ASS ON TOP OF ME!?*

Is his penis talking to him. It is, isn't it? His dick is talking to him!

Want to know something, I'm done with my detailed review stuff. The rest is just fucked up.

What can I say. The character is fucked up beyond anything else. I hated him. That's always fucking great, you know, when the reader wants a bird of prey to piss acid on him. The story, what there is of it, isn't even unique. Oh boy, Rainbow Dash abuse, never seen that a million times before.

Do you want to know the saddest part about this? I know this isn't a serious story. I could sit here and continue going into detail, but it won't make a lick of difference. While I usually offer my assistance to writers, I'd appreciate you keep me out of this story...

I need to go take shower, reading this story was the equivalent of rolling around in a mixture of cow piss, horse shit, period blood, and dog vomit.

-Love, Fuckfully Yours, Madcat

My reaction: fc07.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/249/a/8/no_no_no_no_no_no_no_no_no_no_no_no_no_no_no_no_no_by_darklove6792-d5dtift.jpg

Takes a look at the username.
Takes a look at the Summary.
Takes a look at the gore tag.
Takes a look at the thumbs down.
Takes a look at the comments so far.

Yeah, I'm not even going to bother to read this. This is either a trollfic or was made specifically to be added to the TWE's list.

>Evil Homer - TWE's Tactical Tactless Nuke

Interesting story, will there be a second chapter?
(I know that the "Incomplete" tag should answer this, but most of this kind of story have never received a second chapter)

1324505

Thank you for mentioning this great list, now I have a lot to read
It's clearly easier to find interesting fics there than with searching through all storys.
--
Edite:
Misunderstood the list, only found two more interesting storys.

1325696

What list are you talking about?

1326100

The lists from the Train Wreck Explorers Group. At first I thought there were storys with bad topics listed, so I wrote the thanks part of my comment. Later I noticed that they list bad written storys, so nothing interesting for me, because I would only destroy my english (more), when I read too many of them. (I am not good enough in english (english is not my main language) to find errors, so I would memorise them)

1326253
Got it.
But you can check out the Padded Room there where we keep good fics to remind ourselves that there are stories out there worth reading.

1325696
Yes. There will be more chapters.

I'm too scared to read the rest!

'Shakes her head yes'

I've never seen a 'nod' descibed like that.

Anyway, following you, I read Breaburn'd and enjoyed it. Seeing you have a epic long fic, I'm excited.

*clop* *clop* *clop*

i guess im keeping her in...MAH SHED! [img]stayoutamahshed[/img]

hey, hey, hey. What'd I tell y'all 'bout goin in my shed.

Quote and curly do not like your story, and Balrog squashes it.

*lolque*

Relevant username OP

A rape fic?

Really?

You people are sick fucks.

No offense, your writing is really awkward because of the "Engrish". Aside from that, I get what you wanted to write and you indeed succeeded.

Also, I want to gouge my eyeballs out after reading this.

1323077 this critique is the best thing i have ever read

I get the biggest fucking grins from this story

I make a point to come and read it when I'm super down, and if not, at least once every 3 months

This just never gets old for me. I’d pay RTE to keep the chapters coming, even if that meant coming to an end eventually. It’s a shame that‘ll likely never happen