Our new queen
10 years later I was 20! My older sister was 25 and my youngest was 15! Thorax made a king party! I helped him with everything! There was games, music, and fun! We were happier than a pony that sees Robbins legs! Me and my sisters were laughing and having fun! We ticked our hooves and played peekaboo and tag and ran around. We laughed and flew into the air and threw flowers all over every changeling. We also raced and played around laughing. We had so much fun! When it was time for the big moment, we dropped the bucket onto a Changeling’s head. We all laughed. I used wind power to make a hoof made out of wind to tickle everyone. Every changeling laughed. The baby changelings did too! We started tickling Thorax. He laughed. We started tickling the whole kingdom. I gusted tickling wind all over the kingdom. Every single changeling laughed. We all laughed and had fun. I was the only changeling able to do that. Thorax told me about when he and Starlight had to stop discord from ruining the school because he was jealous.
My crush, Pharynxes son, Fortis was here too. He was the smartest, strongest, most beautiful changeling in the kingdom. I quickly stopped tickling everyone. His beautiful black skin was so beautiful... he looked stronger than strong... he was smarter than a brain... his heart was bigger than my head... he was so beautiful and dreamy.... his voice was so angelic and beautiful... it sounded like an angel... Almost as pretty as Robbins legs... he had the most shiny wings... so shimmery and blue... he had the most beautiful mustache... it was short and blonde, but beautiful...His beautiful blonde hair went down to his legs... So long.... so free.... so smooth... so clean.... so shiny... His eyes looked like any other changeling... but they were beautiful and red.... he was so close to me... I could just kiss him...
I walked closer and closer to him until we kissed. All of a sudden, the whole world became a angelic white. I looked into his eyes... he looked into mine... he looked at me..... he saw me..... he saw me.... his beautiful eyes were wide... wider than I expected... I waited a few seconds for his dreamy eyes to close with pleasure... still nothing. I snapped back into reality. Every changeling stared at me in shock. Even Fortis! I just sat there, confused. After 10 seconds, Thorax said,
“Our new King and Queen!”
Every changeling cheered. Fortis smilied. I smiled too. We both found love and our destiny. After the party, I kissed Fortis and tickled him. He laughed and kissed me. I tickled him again. One hour later, I left my new queen throne and said hi to my sister Orbit. Orbit said hi to me. We both left the hive and talked to each other. Soon my little sister Ocellus joined in to talk with us.
“Congratulations on your Coronation and marriage! I’m so proud of you! I bet you will take good care of our kingdom!” Said Orbit. I thanked her. I was very very very happy that the changeling I fell in love with became my husband. Orbit nudged me smiling. I nudged her back and tickled her. She tickled me back. Ocellus laughed and jumped on me. All three of us started tickling each other. Then, I had an idea!
“What if for the first day of my princesshood, I could host the annual tickle party? We can all tickle each other and eat and drink!” I said proudly. My sisters agreed. 2 weeks later, at the party, we all danced all night. Fortis sat there watching. I’ve always wondered why he never joins. He rubbed his mustache and started using his change phone. He searched up pictures of Robbins legs. The Change Phone is an invention I made for my dad to use when I was a nymph. He gave every changeling one. At 12:00 AM, my sister threw tickle bombs at every changeling. 3 changelings came to the hive one said, “This party is lame.”
My sister heard and started crying! I got mad and sent the changeling to changeling prison! I realized I must make rules! I wrote a list of rules every changeling in the changeling kingdom must follow in the hive if they don’t want to be punished by being sent to changeling prison for a certain amount of time so they could learn their lesson about following directions! After I finished the 8,000 paged list, I called all changelings to pay attention. As soon as I opened my mouth, a changeling got hit by a dart and fainted.
It was the COOL MEAN COLTS!
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So it seems you have a problem with telling rather than showing. The way thing progress almost feels like reading a list of actions rather than picturing a story play out. You want to give time for the reader to see things happen. Expand upon what happens. Keep in mind who, what, when, where, and why at any given time.
However at the same time there are certain times when you want less detail. I'm especially talking about character descriptions. Better to get a glimpse of golden locks, flitting through the crowd, a gleam of multifaceted eyes catching yours from a far, then just dumping a pile of information all at once about what they look like. It feels just feels clunky.
I would also suggest less ellipses. You want to use them sparingly but you used them a lot during the scene with Fortis. Save them for important moments, maybe when their eyes first meet or when their lips interlock in a loving kiss. It can seem almost like your characters very breath has been stolen away and they're unable to even finish their thought.
On that note, I have a purely curious question. If she's Thorax's daughter and Fortis is Pharynx's son, wouldn't that make them cousins? I know that changeling families are a little more fluid so I'm just curious if that counts as incest.
Oh no, not again—
Quickly, changelings, quickly! You too, Thorax! Run before the OC gets you! Hurry, before it’s too late—
10768775
??.
?
10768773
Ok thanks you! Also I’ll changes the pharynx to another Changeling I forgot they were brothers
I’m gonna curl up into a ball and cry my eyes out
...What have you done?! Quick! Thorax! Pharynx-husbando! Run for your livesssss!
Oh god. ANOTHER VILLAIN TWILIGHT STORY IM YEETING MYSELF OUTTA HERE-
🏃
Leave the Changelings alone!
Against my better judgement, I decided to read this story, just to see what all the fuss in the previous comments was about. Barely one paragraph in, and oh boy problems!
Backstory any% speedrun. Infodumps are hardly interesting. It would be better to cut most of this
paragraphchapter away, and sprinkle it in other places in the story.And now we learn Octavia is an abusive mother. Are you even capable of writing relationships that aren't fucked up on some level?
Thorax is a changeling. As an emotion eater specifically feeding on love, you'd think he would realize something is wrong with this family.
Yes, we can do math. You don't have to spell out how much 5+5 is.
Don't they have eachother? I mean, there is two of them. They are sisters. And the whole point of changedlings is that they can share love now. You'd think at least one of those problems would be solvable.
The hell did that come from?
Again, where did that come from?
Where was the coronation? And where was the marriage? All we've heard was some light, two characters looking at eachother. And what of Thorax? Did he abdicate? When, why? Is he unfit to rule for some reason?
Again with the tickling? With how much of that you put in the story, you'd think it deserves a fetish tag.
Do I really need to explain what's wrong with this sentence?
Woah, calm down Stalin. They just didn't like your party. You'd think there are less severe ways to deal with that.
That is an incredibly short code of law. The implication here is that changelings had no law before that (which has its own host of problems). So you have to fit everything, from the royal succession to traffic violations, in these 20 pages if you want to be comprehensive.
Have I mentioned how much I hate that name? No? Well I do now. It's bad.
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Previous stories contained a lot of farting, to the point I was wondering this. Author claims to be 15, so probably not a fetish, just immaturity or something.
Oh, yeah. The "good guys" in these stories banish people to other planets for trivial offenses & have a habit of torturing family members like Discord, even though the author swears up and down that they all truly love each other and are the perfect family...
Don't you mean 'his daughter'?
10769199
He's a changeling, who said they have to be consistent?
Thank you, Captain Obvious. We can count.
There's no way all the laws and rules of an entire society could be fitted onto 20 pages. The US Constitution, for instance, runs to 34 pages.
10769213
Maybe they just trimmed the fat?
The cake is for everyone law got...pulled...again
10769218
Or perhaps it's in a tiny font?
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Darn that was good. I forgot the tiny font.
10769225
Or maybe it's just 20 pages of "if you don't like my parties, you get sent to prison for life" over and over again. I would expect something like that from the author at this point.
>Account created 17 days ago
>8 stories: 1 marked complete, 2 cancelled, 1 on hiatus, 4 incomplete
>all have a like-dislike ratio severely in the red
>several mary sue oc's
>seems to have a inordinate hatred toward the canon cast/events
10768939
Villain Twilight can be done well, like any sort of prompt, it just has to be believable.
That said, there's nothing wrong with an AU where Twilight is just an absolute heartless bitch, but that has to be established as part of the setting.
From what I'm gathering this author just does "And then Twilight did mean things and everyone hates her! Grrr!" There's no build up, or rhyme or reason for it.
Questions that need to be answered here
1. Why did Twilight declare war on the changelings?
2. Why did she not attempt diplomacy first? She's the princess of friendship, Thorax is one of her younger brother's best friends, and a friend of hers to boot. If they had a falling out, then explain that in the opening paragraph.
3. Do the rest of the mane 7 agree with this course of action? She set them up as her advisors after all, something like this would have to either get a unanimous vote from the others, or else have her disregard their council, or do it without them knowing, and if so...
3a. Why did she go against the council of/behind the backs of her best friends and advisors?
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10769155
And by a lot of farting, it's the point where an entire family is literally using fart power to fly around ponyville, making a show for the ponies to enjoy. Oh god, why did I come to read this story's comments, it's bringing back the memories of all the farting
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Oh, I'm not complaining about the Villain Twilight. I've seen many done well, and I read 'em anyway. T'was a joke and I share many of your opinions.
10769232
It's very important.
10769233
If that was typed out, it would bump up the wordcount if nothing else.
10769243
There was also a lot of belching, to the point a villain was defeated by explosive farting and loud burping.
10769155
Even then, they sound like they’re 9-12 instead of 15. Actually no, they sound younger.
I could just be mistaking one sister for the other, so correct me if I’m wrong
10769288
Naw, she has two sisters. The older one, Orbit is a full sister. The younger, Ocellus, seems to be the result of Thorax's affair with another changeling.
O.O
Woah! that Coronation and marriage sure happened fast! it happened so fast we didnt even get to see it!
Just because the changeling didnt like the party? Really?
OH NO NOT THE BOOTLEG MEAN CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS WHOS NAME SOUNDS SO BAD I WANNA SHOOT MYSELF WHEN EVER I HEAR IT!!!!
Talk about the worst fanfiction I ever read and that’s saying a lot also has a terrible taste in love story/romance because you don’t just look at someone and declare he’s the one just no it doesn’t work that way if I were to rank this Terrell fan fiction with the other terrible fan fictions I’ve read it would probably be roughly around 3 to 5
10771623
She had a crush on him for a long time!
I cringed last time Robin revealed his legs on teen titans go. And, the only titan I would ever make my OC love would be either BB or Cy. (Definitely not bb.
)
Ew! I cringed during that scene. A LOT..
You’re kinda weird. But nice!